House Of The Rising Sun
by fairytail dreamer
Summary: Bella's leaving Forks and Jake behind for College in Seattle. Edward is anti-social with a rare medical condition, his sister acting as his baby sitter, both heading for a fresh start. What will the future hold? AU ALL HUMAN SLIGHTLY OOC E&B someB&Ja A
1. Chapter 1

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_A/N: ok a few things_

_This is and Edward Bella story but starts with her seeing Jake - ther will be a fair use of Jake - its in the story!!_

_The condition Edward has is real and you will find out what eventually, but this being FF I'm taking some writing liberties - so there!!_

_Starts off a bit light but It will make its way to its M raiting with drama, sex, swearing and nudity - you have been warned!!_

_Please let me know what you think - your reviews are really important and I need to know if you like where I'm going - I'm not a mind reader - unfortunatly!!_

_Of course - Enjoy!!_

Chapter 1

**BPOV**

I sat there wide eyed and guilty as hell. I held on to the sheet, my nails digging into the material hoping this was all some kind of bad dream.

He looked down at me his eyes open just like mine. His whole face mirrored mine. You could see the tension build in his arms. His fist griping on to the door handle, trying to free some of the anger that no doubt swam through his veins.

I was regretful, I was ashamed, I was penitent.

But I wasn't sorry.

His eyes filled me with sorrow at everything that had happened, everything I had done, everything he was seeing.

But I wasn't sorry.

I could never try or ever would be sorry for _any_ part of it.

* * *

**Five months and two weeks earlier**

_23rd of September_

I stood up looking at the building; it was old, classic and beautiful. The dark red stone made its presence even more unmistakable as it drew you in with its arched windows and entrances. The main entrance with the half a dozen stairs leading to it's opening was grand and almost majestic in its appearance.

"You ready?" I heard him call as I looked up from where I stood, next to my beaten up red truck. The exact opposite of the definitions I would have used to describe the building but some how it felt like the two some how matched in there differences. I loved my truck and looking up at the halls that would become my new home I knew I loved being here already.

I nodded as I turned to the back of my truck, pulling at the protective water proof cover that coved my belongings and trying to lift out one of the bags.

"Bells, I'll get that, it looks like it could carry you in it." He laughed and I joined in knowing that it probably could do.

He walked around to my side pulling it out with ease and slinging it over his shoulder just like he had done with me many a time while joking around or the once I decided to get drunk on my own after a huge fall out over something ridiculous with Charlie and he took me to his place while I sobered up and threw up while praying to god to 'let me just die already'.

_Jacob_

One word and it was everything to me.

I had known Jake for two years and we had been together for one year and eleven months. Ever since I had moved to Forks to live with my dad, to give my newly wed mother some real honeymoon time I knew she craved with her husband, we had been side by side.

He was a year younger than me but It never made a blind bit of difference, he was care free and often pulling me into ridiculous ideas like cliff diving. We had even built up two old motorbikes together and would often speed through miles and miles of field buy the reservation. There were many trips that was needed to emergency after I had small collisions with nothing but the air in front of me. I was a little clumsy to say the least.

This year Jake would finish school and next year he would go to college or look for a job that would teach him on becoming a mechanic. It's what he loved and if it made him happy it made me happy. It was going to be tough but we would survive. We had mobiles, e-mail, and we could still travel the three hours it took from Seattle to Forks to see each other. We would be fine. We could withstand anything.

_At least that's what I told myself. _

* * *

We walked through the long corridor with a piece of paper in my hand looking for my room. 323 was my new room number. It was located on the third floor along the far end, the door opposite was marked 324. I opened it up slowly, half excited and half terrified at what I would find behind it.

There was a small pixie like girl with black spiky hair stood with a wide smile on her face greeting me with a hug as soon as I entered the room.

"Hi, I'm Alice." She beamed proudly and excited as she bounced on the soles of her feet. I liked her already. Her energy was infectious.

"Hi, I'm Bella." I hugged her gently back a little in shock but definitely not opposed to the friendly contact.

She pulled back from me glancing up at Jake. "This is Jake, my boyfriend." I waved a hand in his direction. "He's also the great guy that will climb all the stair with my stuff while I pretend to look busy at unpacking." I smiled up at him jokingly fluttering my eyelashes at him

She laughed. "I don't have a boyfriend to do that for me so instead I talked my brother into doing it for me. He can carry the heavy stuff, I'm tiny, I barley manage to carry along my own purse never mind all the stuff I brought here with me."

She was right she must have been about half a foot shorter than me and I was pretty small. I wasn't lying when I said she was like a pixie.

"So what side do you want?" She asked as she stood with a bag at her feet in the middle of the room.

"Any, I don't mind." I shrugged.

"Oh thank god, I waited in case I had to share with some demanding 'daddy's little princess' who had to sleep on the left cause her Tai Chi instructor said so." She let out flatly with her running a hand through the end of her hair.

We laughed, "I think you mean 'Feng shui'" Jake corrected.

"Whatever." She waived with another laugh while rolling here eyes. "I'll take the left then." She joked raising her eyebrows up then down but still threw her bag down on to the bed.

I threw down the bag on to the bed on the right and threw myself down on to it too. "You know, it would be super great if you could get that big box for me that's in the truck." I smiled sweetly at Jake.

He rolled his eyes at me and nodded like I knew he would. And with that he was back out the door.

"He seems nice." Alice eyed me up from the over side of the room.

I nodded in response still gazing at the door from where he had just left before I faced her. "He's great." I smiled at her but knowing how much I was going to miss him.

"How long have you two been together?" She asked me, not being nosey, but friendly, getting to know me.

"Almost two years now." I thought of proudly.

She nodded "Wow, that's a long time and he still gives you that look. Aww to have a nice man look at me like that..." she sighed

I smiled shyly at her before quickly breaking away my glance to my lap pulling a piece of hair behind my right ear.

"It's good to see." She let out slightly more serious but truthful in her words.

"Here is bag number two." A huge muscular looking guy walked in throwing the bag down in the floor while letting out a small moan. He looked like he could be a football player. And knock them all on to there backs.

"Ah don't kid yourself, it's light as a feather for you, I've seen the way you throw Rose around." She reached for the huge bag before pulling on the zip and began raking through its contents placing clothes down at the side of her and on the edge of the bed. "This is my brother Emmett by the way." She nodded in his direction losing her interest to her bag.

"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Bella." I reached out my hand and shook his.

"Nice to meet you Bella." He smiled down at me. You could tell that the two were related; his hair was brown but only by a few degrees lighter than Alice's black locks and the same energy buzzed from them. Excitable, child like and care free.

It was a good energy to be around and only made me feel more relaxed than I already was. It felt like home already.

"Looking forward to the start of school?" he asked and completely interested.

"Yeh, it's going to be great. I can't wait for it. I just can't wait to get into a new routine" I said as I felt the bubbles of excitement swell in my gut at my new life.

"What do you do?" I asked him resting my chin on my hand as I looked up at him from my bed.

"I go here too, so does my girlfriend, Rosalie, we live together about fifteen minutes off of campus. I'm going into my second year of Architecture. It's good, it's a good school. " He tells me sure of himself easing any worry I had about starting my lessons.

"Yeh his ever suffering girlfriend." There was a tall blonde that spoke from behind him pushing him further into the room making him almost fall over the bag he sat at his feet that Alice was still rifling through. "Hi, I'm Rosalie." She smiles warmly at me holding out her hand for me to shake.

"Bella." I tell her smiling at her shaking her hand.

"Nice to meet the person that has the nerves to put up with this one for a year." She jokes.

"You love me really, Rose." Alice chips in from her crouched pose on the floor before sticking out her tongue at Rosalie.

"I love you, I just couldn't live with you." She teases more. "Seriously this girl is constantly on the go. I mean Emmett has some energy," she smiles at her boyfriend slyly "but her," she points at Alice "she just goes on and on. She's a total pain on the ass." Rolling her eyes, half joking and I think half serous; either way you can tell they are close by her tone.

"Ok, I managed the rest of your stuff." Jake let out a groan as he sets down the box and another bag that I forgot all about as he came back into the room meeting the other two. "Hi, I'm Jake." He gives a small salute to Emmett and Rosalie.

"Emmett." "Rosalie." They both call out one after another.

"So you were the one drafted in for the heavy work?" Emmett gives a small knowing smile to Jake.

"Yeh, something like that. Someone had to make sure she got here in one piece."

"Hey, fresh start, clumsiness left back in Forks thank you very much." I jokingly scaled him and give him a small slap with the back of my hand to his torso as I stood up.

"Bells, the bad news is that it's never going to leave you, sorry to be the one to tell you." He wraps an arm around me pulling me into his warm chest kissing the top of my head.

It's her I realize that I won't have this every day, I wont have him sneaking into my bedroom anymore, I won't have him catch me as I stumble through everyday life. His warmth, his charm, his ability to make me laugh when I feel like I could cry, will be gone. I don't know how I will survive without him here. We have been together side by side for so long it will feel like I've lost a limb or a vital organ.

_My heart_

I suddenly feel myself tear up. I feel my eyes glaze up and my grip on him tightens. "You ok?" he whispers into my ear, knowing and with that I break, I pull my face into his chest and cling on for dear life.

"Well I still have a bag to bring up..." I hear Emmett speak before I hear Alice's sing song voice saying she will join him and Rosalie following behind them as they disappear out the room leaving the two of us alone.

As the door closes Jake pulls me down onto the bed peeling me off of his form and tilting my head up until my eyes meet his.

"Hey." He whispers out.

"Hey." I reply back.

"You gonna be ok?" He asks with concern laced in his voice.

I nod. "I'm just going to miss you." I said while I wipe a stray tear from my face.

"Yeh, well I'm going to miss you too but I can visit and I'll call you every day." He promised me.

I nod meekly again. "Just promise this wont change anything. It's only one year, we can do this." I let out little above a whisper.

"Listen Bella, it won't change _anything_," he defiantly shakes his head at the thought of this ever parting us. "we _can_ do this. I love you" His large warm hands grip my face and pull me into his lips with his positive attitude radiating through me warming me to my core.

"Your right, I mean it will suck, but we can do this. We love each other. That's all that matters that all that counts." I reach to his lips letting the moment consume us with both our grief for the moment but hope for the future.

* * *

"Is it safe?" I hear Emmett's booming voice from the other side of the door.

"Emmett…" I hear Alice chide her brother also from the other said of the door.

The door opens and Alice's head pops around the corner with her bright smile as her spikes bounce around the side of her head. "All sorted?" she asks as she glances at Jacobs and I, laying along the length of the bed as I nod and begin to pull myself up with Jake's strong arm toying with me keeping me in my place.

"Jake." I let out with a little chuckle as I slap his arm away pulling myself up and him joining me as the three of them come bounding back in to me and Alice's new room.

"I'm sorry." Rosalie begins. "This must be really hard for you Bella." She smiles a small sweet smile in my direction. "We are all lucky we have our family and friends around us." I feel a pang of jealousy at her words but I know that she doesn't mean for it to sound like that. "Anytime you need someone, were here." She shrugged knowing that it wouldn't be what I want but maybe just what I need. She placed a shielding hand at the side of her mouth and whispered "Even if it's just to get away from this one." She rolled her eyes in the direction of Alice with a cheeky grinning smile.

"I heard that." Alice lets out loudly and flatly.

"Oh you did…That's too bad." Rosalie's sarcastic tone is fun and makes me laugh.

"Thanks, I'll remember that." I promise her.

"You do that, this is my number, just in case…" she handed me a small tear of paper with seven digits scrawled along it. "Even if it's just because you managed to lock yourself out in the middle of the night and can't get Alice, ok." I nod in agreement at her generosity.

"Hey, don't go stealing my new friend already, Rose." Alice pipes up in the background with her joking tone. "I saw her first." She adds.

Jake lets out a soft aww as if he's looking down at a puppy or something "See now I'm not so worried about leaving you here, now." His hand running through the back of my hair and down my back.

Now I really do feel like things will be alright here, that I will sleep easy with them looking out for me.

The five of us sit around talking as me and Alice begins the task of unpacking, the atmosphere feeling fun, light and full of new things.

The next thing I knew the door bursts open and in comes a tall, lean boy around my age. His features are strong and perfect as his copper hair stands wildly up in its own form, messy but also perfect, it shines with the sun hitting it with the light streaming through the window from the clear day we are having. His eyes shimmer with a dozen shades of green in them with the sun also hitting off them and you can see the window frame reflect in them. He wears black jeans that look like they hang slightly low down on his frame, his look finished with a light blue button down shirt that is rolled up at the sleeves revelling more of his Ivory skin that you see on his face and neck going down to his chest where the buttons meet and hide the rest of his body.

He looks like he doesn't belong to Emmett or Alice in comparison to the hair and the skin tone, that his is several shades lighter to theirs but there is something about him and you just know that he is actually related to them. There are small similarities that bind the three together.

Walking into the middle of the room he passes me just slightly by a few inches closer to Alice as he stands there looking at her wanting something from her.

"I need to eat." He demands, his voice is like chocolate, smooth and creamy but also dark with his demand almost aggressive to the little pixie.

Alice just simply turns to him and smiles "Edward," she greets him. "This is Bella." She waves in my direction.

His facial expression doesn't change and he stands rooted to his spot before beginning again. "I need to eat."

"No you don't, you can wait half an hour." She tells him. "This is Bella." She try's again. "And that's Jake." She waives in his direction.

He stands there testing her, never breaking there look. She was talking to him, some how she was, without any words though.

"Edward, please, be nice." She smiled almost nervously at him, I think from some kind of embarrassment. But her words are firm "This is Bella." She waved in my direction once again

He turned his head slowly looking over his right shoulder, his green eyes meeting my brown ones. I gave a small nervous wave as his head snapped back around to Alice giving me no other signs of acknowledgement.

"I need to eat." He told her again.

"No you don't Edward. You can at least try to be sociable for five minutes and at least say hello." She begins to ask him how he is getting on with his unpacking.

"Fine." He lets out tiredly as he looks at the floor as if he is bored with her.

"And your roommate?" She asks with hope in her tone.

He shrugs.

"A name?" Her eyebrows rose.

He shrugs again.

"Jesus, Edward, did you even talk to him?" she asks him, looking like she was in a loosing battle.

"He had a guitar." He tells her, as if she should be impressed.

"So does he play in a band or something?" Alice slightly hopeful at his random observation that he had made.

"Don't know, I never spoke to him." Alice looked slightly horrified but not at all shocked at her earlier predication.

"Oh for god sake Edward, go and at least try to find out his name." she told him almost like a child. "_Before_ we go for food." She finished with a smirk, blackmailing him.

With that he turned on his heels and sped through the door slamming it on his way out back in to the hall.

"Uugh, what a dick." She lets out obviously infuriated by her brothers' actions.

"Easy on Alice." Emmett tells her.

"Don't even start Emmett. You don't know what it's really like." She tells him off. I feel like I'm intruding on some real family issue that is none of my business before Emmett turns to me.

"Sorry about that, my brother, he has some…social issues." He tells me, slightly unsure of his word choice.

"Some." Alice spits out.

"Alice…" Emmett warns her.

"No Emmett, Bella, Edward has…well he has a kind of condition, he doesn't like people too much really." She shrugged. "But he still shouldn't have gotten away with that."

"That's how he is." Emmett corrects her.

"That's how he is because people let him away with it." She crossed her arms looking down at her brother who was relaxed sitting on the bed and leaning against the wall. "You like to live in your little bubble and think he's ok. He's not, he's a rude arrogant prick." She let out with a long sigh.

"I know what he's like-" Emmett began.

"No. You. Don't." Alice shook her head raising her sweet little voice. "You got your nice little apartment for you and Rose to move into last year, I got _here_," She let out with her palms open to the room. "baby sitting Edward, while he's forced into being sociable by dad." She threw herself down into a chair that sat by a desk on her side of the room.

"I know it's not fair, but you're the one he goes to." Emmett told her. "You're his twin, he feels close to you, even if all he is doing is trying to piss you off."

"I just don't see how it has to be me all the time. I have to go around with him while he goes around treating people exactly like that." she spoke before pointing her hand in my direction. "I didn't even get to go where I wanted, I'm here cause it was best for Edward." She let out a little sob.

Her fire and her energy had all been extinguished by the few minutes her brother was in the room.

I disliked him already.

Emmett stood up from his seat and went to his sister and pulled her up from her seat crashing her into him in a tight bear hug. "I'm sorry." He told her as she nodded accepting his apology. "I'll do more now that he's here; you don't need to be burdened with him all alone."

"I'm not…He's not…It's Edward. I love him. I do. But sometimes it just gets all too much for me."

"We know honey. This isn't just a new start for him; it's a new start for you too. You need to make sure your happy with what you do." Rosalie's voice called from behind the mass of Emmett and Alice tangled together.

And with that the three of them settled down again and we slipped into random conversation.

* * *

I looked up at him at the bus station willing the tears to stop but it was no use.

"Ok Bells, no more tears, come on I'm never going to be able to leave you with that sad look on your face." He kissed my forehead with a small peck.

"Well don't. You can leave school and move down here, we could get the money back from the halls and put it towards an apartment." I let out in one desperate breath, needing him near.

"Ok, now who just lost there mind?" he raised his eyebrows in shock at my pleading.

"I'm serious." I pulled on to the sides of his zip down red hoddie never wanting to let go of him.

He smiled that smile at me when all reason has left me "I know your serious, but look Bells, you look like you have made yourself a couple of real nice friends today." He kissed my lips "You will survive without me."

I pulled him closer to me reaching for the back of his short dark hair, feeling the comfort of him run through my fingers.

He pulled away looking serous at me, "If that guy gives you any grief, I want you to tell me straight away ok."

I nod a yes, but know it most likely won't happen; the memory of Jake breaking Mike Newton's nose because he grabbed a boob in bio one day still haunts me. We were younger then, I wouldn't want to see his anger if he thought I was scared of someone now.

"Ok well I need to go, as much as it will kill me." His white smile is illuminated against his copper skin and I melt inside with how beautiful he looks.

"Don't leave." I plead one last time with him all ration completely leaving me.

"Bella, your killing me her, you know I can't, so don't ask me. I'll give in and we'll have both Charlie and my dad out looking for us."

I nod knowing he's right again.

He pulled me close to his warm body as I begin to shiver and shake at the thought of him leaving my side.

"Hey," he whispers in my ear. "No crying, we'll get through this, remember." His warm breath moves closer to my ear placing a small kiss across it before moving back and letting our mouths consume one another in a long heated goodbye kiss.

He pulled away and breaking our contact as his arm slides down my arm and let's go at my wrist.

I'm stand by the side of the tarmac as his bus pulls away, all the time Jake making funny faces as the tears run down my face laughing before he falls out of sight with one last blown kiss that I catch and place on my hurting heart.

I make it back to the halls five minutes later parking outside, looking up at the building I love and I know it's a change and I hate _that,_ but I can't not help feel the excitement and love I feel for my new home. I check my red rimmed eyes in the mirror and blink heavily trying to make the red on the whites soften.

I walk up the red stone stairs I love so much and smile to myself.

Making my room I walk into the three bodies that I left.

"You were quicker than I thought." Alice beams as she looks at me in the eyes, assessing them.

I nod in agreement.

"Do you want to come for some dinner, were just going to head soon." Emmett asks me.

"Yeh, I kind of hoped you could come along." Alice bounced as she grabbed hold of my arm puling me down onto my bed with her.

"I'm starving." I let out a little light relief at finally the thought of food.

"Excellent. Now we just have to get Edward." Her look is happy but also apologetic.

I have no idea what to expect but I don't change my mind. Its college after all, It's all about meeting new people and I couldn't turn down dinner with my three new friends.

* * *

_**Please review!!! **_

_**This story had been in my mind ever since I read twilight and finally i'v decided to get it out. Let me know what you think. I really would love your feed back **_

_** ohh and any guesses about Edward?**_

_**Chapter two has been writen and will be put up when i get some good feed back - I dont like to be mean - It just get shit done!! lol**_

**_peace_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: First a big thanks to all who read, added and even more so to the 4 who reviewd - making me want to post this a LOT sooner than I thought I would_**

**_Thanks to: Lenabeen, tiadorna, Alyj16 and galli - I give you all some cyber love - lol_**

**_Please - Enjoy!_**

**Chapter 2**

Walking out of our room Alice stopped outside room 324 before knocking. The door whipped open almost instantly with Edward looking at the four of us.

Alice, I guess being Alice walked right in pushing past Edward before stopping as she noticed the blonde boy lying sprawled out across his bed. Her smile made her face glow at the sight of him. I think she could be in there as the blonde was quick to sit up at her presence. He too wearing the look she had.

She held up a hand to silence the boy before he had a chance to even speak as she turned looking at Edward. "Name?" she looked at him pointedly.

"Jasper." His head nodded off to the right as he answered her with a smug grin on her face. He was gorgeous when he smiled; making him look the exact opposite of the broody boy I had seen earlier.

"Hi Jasper, I'm sorry for my brother, he sometimes forgets his manners." Her voice was subtle and smooth and screamed sex. Yep she was definitely after this one.

"Yeh I think he learned some after touching my guitar." He let out a low deep laugh.

"I like you already." She flirted with him as if no one else was standing in the room with her creasing her nose up, looking cute, as she smiled.

Emmett coughed breaking the spell and bringing Alice back into the real world once again.

"Anyway." She began. "We were going for dinner, do you want to join us. You know if you don't have any other plans." She shrugged almost shyly.

"I would love to, ma'am." He jumped to his feet placing his hands deep into his trouser pockets as we all turned to leave the room.

I ran quickly back into my room picking up my purse that I had left lying on the bed, walking out I ran into Edward placing a sweater on as he left his room while locking his door.

He looked across at me and I attempted to smile at him with him ignoring it and him walking briskly to catch up with Alice.

I had managed to catch up most of the difference but I don't think they were quite aware that I was as close as I was.

"I'm sorry." I heard Edward mumble close up to Alice. He sounded like he really needed her to say he was forgiven.

"You're an ass." She told him sharply.

"I'm sorry." He said again.

"You're always sorry Edward, why don't you just do something about it." She whispered her angry tone at him.

"I'm trying. Its…Its just hard." His tone was like a little lost boy.

"No, what's hard is me having to put up with you." There quite argument getting tenser by the second.

He was silent, but his eyes were talking, he looked at her begging for forgiveness.

"What's her name?" she asked suddenly.

"Bella." He whispered.

"Well at least you were listening." She grunted.

There argument was confusing me, trying to pretend that I never heard any of it I pulled out my phone and pretended to be occupied with it.

"Guys." I called on them running the yard of distance catching up with them.

Edward eyed me suspiciously as he pulled away to catch up with Emmett who was in deep discussion with Jasper.

"Does Edward have a problem with me?" I asked feeling uneasy.

"Bella, Edward doesn't like anyone." She shrugged. "Don't take it personally; its just he's always been a bit of a loaner, though it's brought on by himself. He's just not a people person. He doesn't do conversation to well even with me. He just finds it hard. Clever as fuck though." She finishes flippantly with a small smile that makes me ease a little at the prospects of a possible difficult dinner.

We had walked out the back of the halls and around the corner to where there was a canteen; we settled on this as it was nice and close and couldn't be bothered trailing around with the long day we all had had.

* * *

"…the next thing I know the flames are licking out the top and the smoke alarm is going off. Before I know it dad is behind me extinguishing the toaster as I stand there totally shell shocked. The reek of the flamed toast was through the house all day. My mum kept trying to get rid of the smell but it wouldn't leave." Alice finished shaking her head in embarrassment.

"How old were you?" Japer asks her, his interest on her through diner only getting more and more noticeable. Rose gave me a raised eyebrow as the boy seemed whipped by any word that left her mouth.

"It was last week." She let out with a laugh as the rest of us joined in. "I swear to god I can't cook a thing." Her hands covered her face to hide her red flushed cheeks as she tried to stop laughing at herself.

Jasper turns to me "What about you Bella, can you cook?"

I shrug "A little, my dads cooking resembles Alice's so it was either that or we starved."

"Well you know Bella, we have a lovely, unused kitchen at our apartment, feel free to mess it up and feed us anytime you want." Emmett called from the other end of the table.

"He's only saying that cause he means it." I hear Rosalie call from next to him before I heard Emmett mumble a 'damn rite.'

"Maybe Bella can give me some lessons before I become Mrs Cullen." She winks in my direction.

"You're other talents already out way any cooking talents needed." He nods his brows up and down.

"Please…I'm eating here." Alice complains as she throws a balled up napkin in Emmett's direction.

"Like I'm sure you're not like that with your boyfriend." Jasper comments but I think it's more of a hidden question."

She proudly shakes her head. "I'm a single girl. I just need a good looking boy who can put up with me." She smiles at Jasper nervously playing with her short hair.

"I cant ever imagine someone not being able to put up with you Alice Cullen. Your one of the best." he flatters unashamedly in front of others with Rose and Emmett rolling there eyes.

Edward sat across from me on the other side of the table looking off into space as the rest of us joke around telling stories. In a moment that the others were caught up I leaned into his direction. "Your quiet." I comment to him.

"Maybe, your all just too loud." His eyes don't meet mine and he looks back down at his tray before he stood up and walked away from the table disposing of his tray and walking out of the canteen.

I felt Alice's arm grip around my shoulder "Like I said…he's just not a people person." Her hand pulling back as I hear her laugh as she joins back into the conversation leaving me stare into space at the door Edward Just left through.

* * *

I lay in my new bed looking at the city lights flood through the window of my new dorm room twisting around in my new sheets. I felt uneasy at my new life in the middle of the night and the only thought in my head is of Jake.

"Cant sleep huh?" I hear Alice call from the other side.

"Sorry if I woke you." My head just doesn't seem to stop buzzing.

"No I'm awake, don't worry." She switched on the light sitting on the top of her bedside cabinet.

I wonder if everyone in the building feels the same trepidation as I do tonight.

"Hey budge." She orders me pulling back my covers and I look up at her a little surprised. She smiles an impish smile as she holds a pair of offensive looking toe separators in one hand and a sea blue nail varnish in the other.

I let out a small laugh at her antics.

"What, we might as well do something." She tells me before pulling at my left foot and placing the separators in between each toe. "So Swan, what's on your mind?"

"Nothing." I tell her simply.

"Oh come on, I have heard you toss and turn for the last two hours. What gives?"

"The light, it's just so bright in the city, Forks was always so dark, there were only a few dotted street lights outside my old window."

"Street light?" She asked me quizzically as she moved along my foot leaving a shimmering blue in her wake.

"It's all just such a big change and I don't have anyone-"

"You have me now." She winked at me.

"Yeh but I don't have any family near me like you do." my heart feels a little heavy at the closest person in my life, Jake, being so far away now. "Maybe I should just go back home and go to community college or something." I shrug feeling lost and completely unsure of myself.

She taps my right leg alerting me to my finished toes on my left foot as I slide my cold toes from out below the warmth of my duvet cover as she makes a start on the plain nail beds.

"We'll…I think you should relax, give it at least a week before you completely wimp out on me here and," She reaches past me to my bed side cabinet picking up my phone, handing me it. "…call Jake so many times you get fed up with him." A small smile on her face appearing as she goes back to finishing my toes again.

"Christ, I'm being a total crazy cow right now, aren't I?" I slap my hand on my forehead at the realization.

She lets out a little laugh at my actions. "Just a little crazy." She corrects and I roll my eyes at her.

"All finished." She informs me as I look down at my tropical blue nails.

"So…Jasper…" I raise an eyebrow "what's the story there then?"

"Oh he's so gorgeous." She gushes as if she has just met the love of her life. "Do you think I could ever land a guy like him?" she asks in a ramble obviously unaware of just the effect she had on at dinner.

"Are you kidding me? I though he was going to go in for the kill at dinner. I think Emmett and Edward was the only reason he never actually tried."

"You think?" her look is questionable as she looks off to the side.

"Think –I know. Ask Rosalie." Backing myself up knowing he was totally smitten.

"I'll maybe flirt with him tomorrow." I let out a loud laugh as I cover my mouth surprised at the sound myself.

"You flirted with him form the moment you met him." I slapped her leg shaking my head trying to muffle my sounds. "I like you already." I mock her earlier words with Alice's sex voice.

"I did not sound like that." she rolls on to her side laughing with my interpretation.

"You did." I challenge her.

"I can't help it if I sound like sex all the time." She jokingly pretends to flick long hair over her shoulders while pouting.

"You're not right." I shake my head in amusement at her antics.

"Anyways Edward has probably scared the shit out of him now, he will think were all like that." her tone going down again.

"I think he's aware Edward is a bit…Different. What's the deal with that anyways?" I paw for more information, curious at his strange behaviour.

"It's Edward." She shrugs matter of fact. "I just hope he settles in ok. I don't like to talk about it because, well it's his thing, but he was born with a kind of strange condition. I really don't want to talk about him like that though." I nod understanding. "High school was hard for him, this is his new start, no one knows him here."

"You don't have to tell me anything, but if you feel he gets too much for you, like earlier, you can talk to me ok." I squeeze the side of her thigh in reassurance and comfort.

"Thanks." She whispers our conversation coming to an end.

"Well I think your right, I think I'll call Jake until I get fed up of him, starting now." I wave my phone in front of her.

"Just now?" she asks surprised.

"He's use to me calling at all crazy times of the night." I shrug as I get to my feet reaching for my dressing gown.

"I think I'll be sleeping when you get back." She lets out with a yawn pulling herself from my bed to hers.

"Night." I call as I walk through the door hearing her call the same back to me.

I pad along in my bare feet with the toe separators still in place walking down the end of the corridor down the three flights of stairs to the double entrance boxing me in from the sleeping students and the cool summer's night.

I look down at my phone coming to Jakes number, knowing he will be the only voice that would sooth me completely form my uneasy night. If I was at home he may just be sneaking into my room right now, being the weekend. A trick that he had managed for almost two years.

I remember the first night he did it. I lay in bed with tears in my eyes wishing I could be anywhere but Forks. Charlie and I had argued earlier in the day and Billy had stopped in with Jake not long after it. The entire evening I sat outside with Jake talking it through, him talking me into me not really wanting to leave Forks, that I had to stay to keep him in line.

They left a little after ten and by twelve thirty I heard a rustle in the tree outside my window and Jake's form climbing in through the window. I could have died of a heart attack. He guided me back to my bed placing me below the covers before he held me, my eyes still crying, as I fell asleep. That morning he was gone, but many more times he had stayed, and I got a little more than being held. I still smile at the memory.

Once we were caught by Charlie but he believed the story that we made up. That he had gotten to the house early and that I was helping him with some homework. We'll, he turned a blind eye at least.

I called his mobile and he picked up on the third ring answering in a sexy sleepy gravely voice. That tone always managed to make me shiver. It's was one of the best part about wakening him up. "Hey," He called down the phone.

_Hey_

It was our word.

_I stood by a huge red truck looking over at Charlie as he spoke to his friend Billy who I struggled to remember from the last time I visited about eight years before. His son stood tall, but shorter than now, smiling at me from the end of the drive way. I smiled back as he walked up to me._

"_Hey." He greeted me._

"_Hey." I mimicked._

_He stood there lost for a moment looking at me. "Hey." He called again. I laughed, I relaxed, I was won over. Ever since then he had me._

"Hey." I called down to him down the phone like I did every time I spoke to him. And like I knew it would, his tone soothed me like a lullaby to a baby.

"I miss you." The three words I was desperate to hear and the three words that broke me.

I felt like I could cry, but I didn't. I knew it would only upset Jake more knowing that he couldn't be here this time to come sneaking into my room and comfort me.

"I miss you too." I ran my fingers in an attempt to distract me and to calm me, playing with the ends, inspecting them.

"So how was your day after I got home?" his tone sounding more awake as I could here him shuffle up right at the other end.

"Yeh…It was good I guess. We went out for dinner, all of us."

"Even the guy with the attitude problem?"

I smile at the look I know would surely be on Jakes face right now.

"Even him and his roommate."

"Poor bastard having to put up with that guy for the next year." He let out a little laugh on the other end "Did he talk to you?" he asked me.

"Not really, I tried talking to him and he mumbled something then left, we never seen him for the rest of the night. But his roommate, Jasper, he seems like the kinda guy that can just roll with whatever comes his way."

"You mean unlike me?" he jokes.

I laugh at his observation "Exactly." I smile down the phone to him.

"And Alice? Is she still bouncing around?" he asks, generally interested in all the changes.

"I think she's asleep now. She just painted my toe nails since I was keeping her awake."

"Oh the price you pay for sharing. Just as long as she doesn't turn you into a complete fashion feign."

"I wont let her, I promise." I move against the wall sliding down huddled in to a ball as I continue to talk away for another five minutes or so before I end the call, letting Jake get the sleep he always seems to need.

I sat there for a few moments absorbing the conversation, feeling lighter for it as I look down at my blue toe nails shimmering with the small dull light that hangs above me illuminating the boxed entrance.

The silence is broken as the front door creeks sharply open making me jump as I pull myself away from the door before I'm stood on.

The light escaping through the door spills on to my visitor making him visible to me as I recognise his face as Edward.

He looks down at me, bothered, pausing for me to move out of his direction from my spot on the floor.

"Where have you been?" I ask in a nonchalant tone trying to make light conversation in passing.

His response is to glare at me as I make my way on to my feet, as his eyes move quickly from me to the door behind me that will let him into the main building.

I stand a bit perplexed that he won't even answer a simple question I ask him. I didn't know if it was just me, like Alice said, 'don't take it personally', or if he really is like this with everyone.

His hand runs through his rusty hair as he looks off to the side of me waiting for me to move.

He doesn't bother waiting long and he pushes by me making me lose my balance and landing against the wall before he accidentally stubs my toe by bouncing his black vans off of my bare feet as I yelp in pain.

He paused momentarily, looking at me and then down to my feet, my toes still in there little dividers that Alice placed on me.

I expect an apology or something, some kind of recognition at least.

And then he speaks.

"Nice toes." He lets out dryly before looking at me in the eye with distain before he once again races off through another door and into he night.

A delayed moment of shock form Edwards behaviour I yelp again taking my toes into my hand, curling my fingers tightly around my little bit of blue as I tried to ease the pain.

* * *

I peaked behind the door frame of the shower, eyeing my route my bedroom making sure the coast was clear. Me being me…well, I managed to forget my clothes. The realization of what coming to me when stepping out the shower to be greeted with a relatively small towel that was in fact, meant to hold my wet hair.

I looked down the empty corridor from one end to the other feeling somewhat safe about the obvious sprint back to my room.

Gearing myself up I held onto my towel tight at the top making sure not to give a view to any others that my end up coming my way from the mixed sex corridor. My other hand holding on tight to the back bottom end of the towel, trying to salvage the last tiny shred of dignity I would have left if I was to be caught.

Taking my chance I bolt along the corridor past the few doors to my room running in closing the door behind me as I begin talking to Alice. "Oh god you never guess what…" I was stopped mid sentence as I turned round to be met not only by Alice, but Edward too.

"You forgot your clothes." She happily filled in for me as I stood there holding on tight to the towel that surrounded me as I looked down to the flood in shame.

"Edward, avert your gaze." She told him sharply with a smack to the back of the head. He never listened to her and continued to look at me with a look of repulsion or somthing.

I felt uneasy as he looked at my face, his eyes never leaving mine but his expression written all over his face as water trickled down my back making me shiver.

"Edward, door." Alice ordered him before he broke his gaze looking down to my feet.

"Nice toes." His tone matched the one he spoke with last night after he stubbed my foot with his vans.

"Yeh, I know." Alice called from behind him. "We couldn't sleep last night so I jumped her." Alice laughing as if this was what she did to everyone.

His head cocked to the side taking in her words but never attempting to look at her, instead he continued to look at me once again before he headed for the door leaving it wide open.

"I'll leave you to get changed." She let out a little hesitantly, the atmosphere of the room changing with Edwards's departure making the room feel somewhat heavy.

She left with a light click of the door, me standing in my towel as I felt a shiver run down my spine at remembering the look he gave me.

He hated me, I was sure of it.

I just didn't know what I had done to deserve it.

* * *

**_A/N: Me again - please please please review and let me know what you think. - it helps with the writing process._**

**_Chapter 3 is nearly fininshed with and chapter 4 already has quite a clear outline for writing already. _**

_**Also I have another Twilight story called Closer- I'm on a short hiatus with it right now but will be getting back to it in a couple of weeks.**_

_**And...also a one shot up called Open Window - please take a read at both of these.**_

**_peace_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Ok I only had one review for chapter 2 - Please, the reviews really help with the writing process. **_

_**But man really - I dont know what going on with me but I just want to keep going here - My updates wont be comming as fast all the time but I just cant stop right now. chapter 4 is almost done - chapter 5 is gettin shaply and chapter 6 I know the direction I'm going!!!**_

_**So enjoy this and I hope to have 4 up soon - Pleeeeeease let me know what you think!!**_

**_Also I have no beta so if anyone wants the job - let me know!! I do apologize that I dont have one - I worry that ppl wont want to read it cause of my bad grammar._**

**_Sorry - one more thing - I'm scottish and our drinking age is 18 so I'm going with that instead of 21! - so there lol_**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

I was feeling a little more decent once I got changed. My jeans now covering my backside and my dignity restored at the thought of a bra and my long sleeved t-shirt covering my pale flesh.

I suppose I should be happy it was only Alice and Edward that had caught me; even then Alice didn't really count. But I still felt embarrassed at him catching me. Of course, he just had to be in here didn't he? He picked his moment to be sociable and I came running in almost flashing the guy.

_The shame_.

I could only hope he would be a gentleman and say nothing about it to anyone else. That would probably be asking too much of a eighteen your old boy. I'm sure he would keep the piece of info to himself before he found an awkward moment with Jasper and would pull it out to ease the tension.

That's what guy's did.

_Wasn't it?_

Anyway, there was no point worrying about it now. It was done. I would just have to put up a post-it on the back of the door reminding me of my clothes tomorrow morning.

I dried my hair letting it fall down around my face, no really bothered what happened with it. Sometimes I would make an effort for Jake, he liked to see my hair all smooth and shiny, but since he wasn't here there wasn't anyone else I was to trying to impress.

Thinking of him, the ache in my heart tightened and I decided it was now a reasonable time to call him. Calling the last dialled number on my phone he picked up after two rings. Billy must have kicked his ass about getting out of bed this morning. Usually it was four rings I got, unless Billy had some influence and then it was two or three, depending on what he was doing.

Ok it was a little sad I know but after almost two years together we knew every tick that belonged to one another.

"Hey," he answered down the phone and his voice all chirpy I could hear the smile on his face.

We talked for about ten minutes. I explained about my little towel shame, he laughed, amused, but not surprised I had managed to do something like that. I missed out the part about Edward though. It would only piss him off, Edward glaring at me as I stood half naked and all wet.

Yeh, definitely not the thing to tell your boyfriend.

After my call I decided I really should call Charlie and let him know I had survived my first night on my own in the 'big bad city'. He was sure to be worried. That's all he did about me. It caused more than a few arguments, me reminding him I wasn't the little girl that would come to visit him but now a relatively mature teenager.

He was happy to hear from me and after I told him for the fifth time I was great his tone relaxed.

I was great.

All nudity and stubbed toes aside, I was really beginning to feel like I was settling in.

My stomach growled at me for food and I began to wonder just where Alice had got to.

Walking out my door to attempt Edward and Jaspers room in my search for her I found Edward looking out the large stain glassed window on the end wall looking outside picking at the perishing rubber holding the glass secure.

I was surprised to find him standing out here all by himself.

He turned to me, his eyes not able to meet mine.

"Do you know where Alice is?" I asked at the same time as he mumbled something in my direction.

"Sorry?" I asked him looking to repeat what he just said.

"Don't make me say it again." he mumbled lowly into his chest

"I never heard you." I told him honestly.

His left arm was wrapped across his body, protectively with a tight grip pulling at his black t-shirt with his right hand raking through his hair, almost pulling it out, clearly having difficulty at getting his words out.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled.

Well there it was, my apology, I just didn't know what part of it he was apologizing for.

"For what?" I eyed him sceptically; sure that Alice had put him up to it.

He sighed, letting his hand slip down to his eye as he rubbed at it with the force he had been using on his hair.

"Your toe." He let out in a whisper as he looked down to his feet before moving his nervous gaze out the stained window again.

"Now your sorry?" I let out a little sarcastically and a little louder than I intended, startling him, making his eyes finally meet mine.

"I didn't mean to hurt you." He whispered out but I cold tell he was being truthful. There was a small pause before he spoke again. "Alice said you had a bad night." He shrugged as he looked back out the window once again.

I was a little surprised that Alice would have told him this, and a little hurt. I thought it would have been kept quiet between us. In the end though I decided she had seen the look Edward had given me and had warned him.

I couldn't be mad at her for it.

But I couldn't be bothered with Edwards juvenile behaviour either.

So like the immature bitch I was, I ignored his words and asked if he had seen Alice instead, ignoring him.

"In my room with Jasper." He informed me while putting his hands deep into his pockets before slowly walking down the hall and disappearing through the exit to the stairs.

I knocked two chaps before opening the door and letting myself in.

"Bella." Alice chimed as she bounced on what I guess was Edwards bed.

"Are any of you ready for breakfast?" I asked as Jasper nodded and Alice jumped to her feet.

"Just let me get my purse." She shouted as she flew past me and out the door.

"Did you see where Edward went?" Jasper asked me.

I shook my head answering no. I had seen him head down the stairs but apart from that I don't know where he did actually go.

He nodded his features on his face thinking. "I think the guy is just a bit stressed at moving in here." Jasper told me as if he were able to read my mind as I thought about Edwards's odd behaviour. "He was choking up this room last night with tension rolling all around that bed." He said as he looked over to the bed on the opposite side of the room that only moment ago Alice had been on. "He was beginning to rub his stress off on me before I kicked him out telling him to walk it off."

I gave a confused nod at him, not sure of what to say to him.

"He really didn't mean to hurt you."

"He told you about last night?" I asked incredulously

"Yeh he told me this morning. He came back in with Alice and she told him to be nice that you had a bad night. I guess he knew what it felt like. After that he left."

"When was that?"

Jasper pulled his watch to his face inspecting the time. "About half an hour ago."

Half an hour ago. Had he spent the past thirty minutes outside my room listing to what I got up to just to say he was sorry? Could he not have knocked on the door to tell me?

I felt a small pang of guilt as I remembered him stumble on his words in the hall trying to apologize and there was I shooting him down not even acknowledging his apology, never mind accepting it.

I shot him down after he tried to take back last nights little incident and I watched him walk away with his head bowed down.

_Shit_

No wonder he didn't deal with people, when any attempts for him to apologise for his actions are thrown back in his face.

_It's a condition._

That's what Alice had told me.

_Don't take it personally._

She even tried to warn me.

_Bugger. Bugger. Bugger._

I could have bashed my head off a wall.

"Bella?" Alice called from behind me as she looked at me strangely. I must have completely zoned out because Jasper now stood at the other side of me next to the door waiting for me to join them.

"Coming." I called to them trying to snap back to reality but couldn't get Edwards words out my head.

* * *

After breakfast I decided I would leave Jasper and Alice to it. I was beginning to feel like the third wheel so I made my excuses and decided to go and check out more of the campus.

I drove over to the Huskies stadium taking in the massive structure that could hold the chanting crows come game days. I had seen it on the television a few times, Charlie watching football games with Billy, but looking at it here is was massive. I couldn't ever think of enough people to fill it

After that I headed to Red Square and to the Suzzallo library – one of the deciding factors in picking University of Washington to attend. Taking in all the architecture of the gothic looking building I was mesmerised. My halls I loved. This I would die for.

I walked in running my fingers along the spines of the rows and rows of books I could quite easily get lost in the pleasure of. This would be where I crammed in hours of studying, this would be my place to hide out in, this would be the place that I could happily spend my college days in.

I wandered through the Classic literature section picking out 'Vanity Fair' before wondering through to the reading room.

That's all you can do in this place is wander, the grand interior along the walls and ceiling make it hard to simply just walk.

I looked along the rows of tables. The hall was silent except for the odd flick of a page from the books from the very few people in here before classes start come Monday morning.

In the far end of the hall I see the mop of unkempt bronze hair sitting in the darkest corner of the library that he could possible find.

I make my way over to him, hesitant of his reaction but know I should at least try to smooth things over with him. If only for Alice's sake. It seems like her life with him is hard enough, never mind her roommate at odds with him.

I stop at the table he sits at as he looks engrossed in some thick, heavy book with some image of the human body.

His head looks up quickly before his expression changes at seeing me and he shuffles his now rigid form closer under the table, only slightly further away from me.

I suppose I deserved that.

"Can I sit?" I ask in a whisper, not just because I was in the library but because my gut wouldn't allow it any louder.

He shrugged. No words, just a shrug.

Least it was something.

Taking my chance I moved out the seat across from him with a small squeak before sitting down. I looked across at him hoping that he would look up at me or even just break his gaze from the book in front of him even if it was only a tiny second.

Sitting my book down on the table I rested my hand on top of it still watching him.

"Vanity Fair." He said with no emotion as he glanced at the spine of the book.

I gave a small nod. "It's a favourite." I offered a small smile to him.

"The book with no hero." He confirms.

"It depends on your out look." Backing up my love for the story.

He looks up at me briefly, taken aback at my view before his gaze breaks off to the side of my head. "A social climber after money and status. Becky seems to have no sense of moral using chat and charm to push further up in life. Not very heroic. Is that what you aim for in life?" He snapped before his head bowed back down to his book.

"What about her being a good friend or trying to better her life for the man she adores." I argue back. "She made mistakes and ended up with a broken heart because of it. She showed her weakness and showed that she was human." I add. "We are all guilty of being like Becky; we all make mistakes and treat people badly." At this point I wasn't right sure if I was talking about our own behaviour or Becky's. "She makes me feel it's acceptable to make mistakes because everyone does it."

His head rose looking up at me. "So you think she's a heroin because she makes mistakes?"

"Yeh, she's a heroine because she's human. She moves on in life with no real happy ending and she survives."

Edward was sat back in his seat, surprised at my interpretation. "English Literature, right?" he asks, still hesitant to show any real connection even though I see it in his eyes."

I nod at him confirming my major.

"I heard you had a bad night." I echo his words from this morning.

"I think you heard wrong." He tells me with his tone going cold again, obviously embarrassed.

I looked down trying to pick the right words to say to him. "I just meant that perhaps I was a bit of a bitch earlier when you tried to apologize. Friends?" I question him as I put out my hand for him to shake.

He looks down at it floating in the air before he stands up. "I apologized for last night. I didn't want you running away telling Alice that I was some thug. I have to put up with enough shit from her." He told me with his words laced in venom. "I really don't want you near me as it is without putting up some crappy pretence of us being friends. It's not my thing. Just shut up and put up, for Alice, like I'm doing. We'll get along just fine then." And with that he walked away from me, not a trace of a wander but the cold firm steps of his feet pounding off the floor in quick concession.

His words were clear and sure, it wasn't a mistake, they were intentional.

* * *

I made it back to my room some how in a daze of the whole conversation we had not long had. I couldn't get my head around him at all. He just became so…cold. I thought we were finally getting onto some level land too.

I opened the door to my room to find Alice and Rosalie crossed legged and facing one another.

"Good day?" Rose asked as Alice looked down at Roses fingertips with a steady hand painting her finger nails.

I threw myself down onto my bed with a groan. "Something like that." I reply to her sarcastically as I pull the pillow down by my head and curl up in bed.

"What happened to you?" Alice asked, her attention now on me but still gripping on to the florescent pink nail varnish.

"Asshole college boys." I tell my pillow with the other two still able to hear me.

"Some guy has pissed you off already, how is that possible? Class hasn't even started." Alice talked as she slid onto the space at the end of my bed.

"Well I have a real talent at meeting some jerks." I shrug, closing my eyes willing sleep to come to me.

"Who was it, where was it?" Crap, I couldn't tell her it was Edward, as tempting as it was to see her give him the telling off she had given Emmett yesterday, I knew it would only ruin her day as well as mine.

"It doesn't matter now." I shrug trying to block her out.

I felt my bed shift as she moves closer to me. "It does, tell me and I'll have Emmett go kick there ass."

I let out a little laugh at the though of Emmett beating up Edward. It would be justified but I just couldn't see it happening, Emmett was only ever defensive of his younger brother.

"Alice really, I just want to forget all about him and sleep." I said a little forcefully hoping she would take the hint and leave me to rest.

"Fine, we will let it slide, but you can't sleep. Were going out tonight." She tells me.

I turn around on my bed so I can face both Alice and Rose. "No, I'm not."

"Yes you are, It's Saturday night in Seattle, the weekend before school starts. We. Are. Going. Out." she orders.

I look across at Rosalie for back up to let me hide. "Don't give me that look, your going out and that's the end of it." Rose backs up Alice. Damn it.

I groan into my pillow a little peeved but I know that I could probably do with getting out of here. "Fine." I finally let out followed by a squeak from Alice and her bouncing off my bed.

"Ok so I was thinking this little cute black top with this skirt for you." She began to ramble.

"Huh? Wait, no skirt."

"The skirt makes the outfit." She told me.

"No skirt."

"Bella-" she began

"No. skirt. Or I don't go."

She let out a small growl at me. "Fine, have it your way. No skirt." She slid down onto her bed next to Rosalie looking deflated.

"Let me see the top?" I smiled at her holding out my hand for her to pass me it hoping that she would get a little bit of her sparkle back if I at least seemed enthused about the top.

She passed it over and I held it out. It was a black low cut fitted halter. It was simple, understated and I knew it would look nice with my jeans. "I like this." I told her, Alice looking please with herself.

"You're going to look like the odd one out, me and Rose are wearing skirts." A small confirmative nod coming from Rose.

"No skirt." I bark.

"Ok, ok, no skirt." She lets out before I have time to change my mind on going out at all tonight.

"But I really do like the top." I tell her honestly.

"We'll I need to go, Emmett and I are going for dinner. I'll see you later. About nine?" Rose asks.

"Yeh, I'll ring you when were ready and come and meet you." Alice tells her.

"Ok, cool, see you later."

"Bye." We both call to her as she walks out the door before closing it behind her.

"So want to head for some food?" I heard Alice call over to me from her seat on her bed.

"Sounds good to me." I nodded, just about to attempt to move from my spot on my bed.

"Ok give me just a minute and I'll go and get Edward and Jasper." she told me as she moved from the bed to the door.

Her hand resting on the door handle as I ask. "Do they have to? Can we not just have some…girl time?" I stutter out at the end trying to think of the best words that would distract Alice.

"Is it ok if I ask them?" She shuffles on her feet looking down at the floor. "Just I haven't seen Edward since before breakfast and I kinda want to make sure he has something to eat before we go out." She looked back up at me.

"He's going out tonight too?" I asked her not hiding my shock to well either.

"Yeh, that's ok isn't it?" she asked me confused at my sudden distancing from Edward.

"I suppose…I just though it was a girls thing." I shrugged, annoyed that I was now going to have to put up with being near Edward.

"You don't like Edward all that much do you?" she smiled as if she knew exactly where I was coming from.

"No, it's not that." I tried to protest, my hesitance giving me away.

"Listen Bella, I know he's an ass, but he's my brother. I need to keep an eye on him; just like I need to make sure he eats something. It's just the way it is." She finished off a little sadly as if I was rejecting her because of who her brother is.

It seemed as if she had been down this route before. "He isn't always as bad, he's just nervous about college so he's being extra rude. Just ignore it. Please." Oh god I cant believe I have her pleading with me, for me to accept her brother being around us. I know if I didn't I would lose her to Edward. She wasn't one for turning her back on her family or friends but I had the feeling many had done it to her because of her bond with Edward.

I wasn't about to lose my new friend over him. I nodded my head smiling "I really just thought we could have had some good girl time." I shrugged trying to sound truthful in my lie.

"Soon." She promised me with a bigger smile as she opened the door to speak to the others.

She knew the truth, I could tell but she accepted my words because it was what she needed to hear. She knew Edward wasn't someone I wanted to spend time with but she knew I wasn't backing down as her friend either and that I would put up with him. Even if she had seen through my lie of wanting it to just be the girls, she took it because more than anything she needed a friend.

* * *

Walking out of the cubical I looked into the mirror examining the make-up that Alice had fought with me to put on. I suppose I looked nice with the little bit of shimmer over my eyelids and my lashes looking almost glamorous. I pulled at my top shifting it up slightly at the chest, trying to hide some of my flesh; it was Alice's top after all and perhaps a slight fraction smaller on me. Either that or Alice felt comfortable showing a little more than me.

"Will you stop pulling at that top, its how it's supposed to sit." She slapped my hand away placing it back to where it had been.

"The only time I have worn anything remotely close to as low as this was my dress at my prom." And even that wasn't particularly low; actually it sat about the same height as any of my vest tops.

"Well, you're in college now, and you have a great figure. You need to wear skimpy clothes and take lots of pictures to prove it cause when your ass is bursting out your jeans and those stretch marks are being hidden with some god awful kaftan you can happily remember the good old days." She states matter of fact finishing with a smile.

I shake my head at her in pure amazement at how she thinks these things up. "So, another drink?" she raises her left eyebrow at me.

"Lead the way." As we head back to the bar.

"Ok can I have five beers a coke…" she eyes me up suspiciously "and two shots of tequila?"

"Alice, no more tequila, your going to have me wasted." I tell her off.

"That's the plan, I've already got you in that top, I just need you to let down your hair now." She winks. "It will be less painful if you just go along with me here."

I wave my had off to the side accepting her words before we pick up the shots and clink our glasses together before knocking the fiery liquid down.

"Whoa." Alice calls out before taking a swig of beer to help wash it down as I did the same.

"So…" I start looking at the glass of coke in front of me. "Edward doesn't drink at all?" Slightly confused, his first proper weekend away at college and he doesn't drink at all.

"No, it's just him, he doesn't like to drink." Alice shrugged picking up two bottles of beer in one hand and the coke in the other while I pick up the other three before making it back to the table.

"Is he not back yet?" Alice asks with a bit of anguish at the disappearance of Edward. It's to get away from me, I'm sure of it but I don't say anything.

"He's probably brooding in some dark corner somewhere." Rosalie states, obviously very aware of his usual behaviour.

"Emmett can you check the restroom?" Alice asks her brother.

"Alice, leave the boy alone, if he wants to be left alone, let him. You know he will just complain if we go after him."

I look at Jasper who gives a small smile in my direction, him looking as lost as I feel at there conversation but we both don't ask any questions.

"Just one look, please, just to check." She begs.

"No." Emmett lets out firmly.

She turns to Jasper who she is sitting beside, Jaspers hand resting on the small of her back, no one else would be able to see the gesture but I can. "Can you, just pretend your using it and see if he's in there."

"Alice!" Emmett's loud booming voice becoming angry.

She ignores him with her sad look looking into Jaspers eyes. "Please." She pleads, her voice stretched.

Jasper looks hesitant between Alice and Emmett. You can see that he wants to help Alice relax a little but most likely scared at getting on the wrong side of Emmett. He looks back at Alice and you see him crumble at her pleading face.

Without a word he stands up and heads for the men's room.

"You need to get over this, he can look after himself," Emmett leans across the table talking to Alice.

"He didn't eat much today." Her crazy reasoning was received by Emmett rolling his eyes.

"Babe," Rosalie's sweet tone began as she placed her hand in his hair at the back of his head. "If it helps her relax, let her have it ok. She's just worried about him." She kisses his lips and you see his body relax back into the seat.

"Fine." He surrendered before giving her a small smile and a wink settling things between them.

A few moments later Jasper came back with Edwards arm slung across the back of his shoulders, holding him up.

"Shit, Edward, why did you have to go and do that." Alice shouted at him as she fought a glass of neat liquor out of his hand.

"It's college, that's, what you do." he let out slurred with a heavy laugh. I had never heard him laugh once.

"Well thank you. Now the night is over. Lets get you back to your room." She said, completely pissed off at him.

With that Emmett grabbed the other side of him before the two guy's marched him past two eyeing bouncers standing at the entrance and into the street.

* * *

Also - it comented about Edwards POV - there will be some EPOV eventaully but right now its planned more from Bella's POV - sorry - though I may do some small one shot views from Edward and you will get them when you review - I will let you know if and when I do though.

Once again I ask - if you are liking this - let me know - Its taking a bit of reasearch for thngs and I'm wiki'ed out my mind so encouragement please.

Also more Drunkward next chappy lol!


	4. Chapter 4

**_A/N: Ok So I have no life this week!! - Enjoy the start of the drama _**

**_as of this moment I havent had any reviews for my last chapter! The adds do mean a lot but its also great to have some feed back._**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Jasper and Emmett struggled to carry Edward along the sidewalk. He was totally buzzed and seemed to want to fight against them to enjoy it. Though in reality, he could barely even stand.

He purposely swayed from side to side between the two while singing, out of tune, some random song.

Rose was in fits of laughter at the sight in front of her but Alice's glare was making her try to hold it in.

"It's not funny Rose." She told her flatly.

"Oh come on, how can you not laugh? Look at him?" she stretched her arms out in front of her in the direction of the three guys, Edwards still swaying between them.

"He's so stupid." Alice groaned to herself.

"Alice, look at him, he's fine, totally pissed, but fine." She tried to reassure her.

"I thought he didn't like to drink?" I asked confused from Alice's earlier words when she bought him a coke.

"Well, he shouldn't drink-" Alice stated before Rosalie interrupted.

"He should totally drink, he's funny, this is the most I have ever heard out of him." She burst into another fit of giggles as Edwards voice pitched up several notes. "Sing it again Edward." She shouted to him while laughing.

Alice turned to look at me. "I just said he doesn't like to drink so you didn't ask questions. And don't encourage him Rose." She told her off while elbowing her in the ribs.

"Oh, he's having fun, let him have it." Rose told her, seeming a little sorry that Alice was trying to stop him.

"It's not going to be fun if it goes all wrong is it Rose?"

"You know for some one that has so much life in her you can sure as hell come crashing down on others pretty heavy when it suits you."

"Fuck off Rose." I was surprised to hear Alice talk to her that way but Rose just seemed to shrug it off.

Emmett hearing the commotion had stopped and was trying to see what was happening. "Alice, stop it." He told her, trying to protect his girlfriend.

"Em, it's fine, leave it." Rose knew that she had touched a sore spot.

"No its not." He tells Rose before turning his gaze back to Alice. "You talk about Edward being rude but your pretty good at it yourself."

Alice's eyes glazed over with unshed tears at her brothers words then tried to hide her face with bowing her head.

Jasper looked at her as if he wanted to cuddle her and make her feel better.

"Becky, Becky." Edward called while swaying.

We all looked at him, the rest wondering who he was talking about while I, knowing all to well it was me he was talking to.

"Be-lla." Rose stretched out for him thinking he must be getting my name wrong.

"No," he shook his head. "Becky." He said almost firmly. "Human." He shrugged while still looking at me, his beautiful green eyes looking sorry.

I nodded and the others looked at me confused. "I know." I whispered to him, knowing that he was saying what he couldn't say earlier on in the library, that this is what he really wanted to tell me.

With that Jasper and Emmett turned around continuing down the street.

Rose looked at me from the corner of her eye; I could feel her watching me as I looked down to the concrete. "It was him, wasn't it?"

Alice looked up looking at the both of us wondering what Rose was talking about.

"He was the one that upset you earlier?"

I gave a small nod. I couldn't lie about that. They would see straight through it.

"He was the one that upset you today?" Alice screeched.

I nodded again.

"See this is exactly what I'm talking about." She spat as she rushed around to face Edward.

She poked him in the chest as Emmett and Jasper stopped. "You upset Bella today, she was upset, why Edward?" she stood there looking at him waiting for a response.

"Why, Edward? Why do you have to be such a dick to Bella. I have no one because of you." Tears began to pour down her face, the alcohol that she drank earlier not helping her control her emotions.

"Sorry." Edward head flopped down in shame before looking at Alice again. "I hurt her." Alice's eyes widened in horror not understanding what her brother meant.

She looked at me in panic. "No wonder you don't want to be near him, he hit you?"

Emmett threw Edward's arm of his shoulder "You bastard, what the fuck were you thinking." Squaring up to Edward as he dangled by Jaspers side.

"No!" I shouted out jumping in front of Edward, shielding him from something he didn't deserve. "He didn't hit me, he stubbed my toe."

Alice, Emmett and Rose all stood looking at me disbelieving. "Jasper, tell them. I tried to get him to talk last night and blocked his way so he pushed past me, because…well he doesn't want to talk to me. He stubbed my toe as he moved past. He even told Jasper about it this morning. Jasper?" I asked for him to back me up.

"She's right. He told me all about it." Jasper shrugged "Honestly…I think he has a bit of a crush on her." He finished off with everyone, especially me looking at him in shock.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Edward let out exaggeratedly in Jaspers direction as we all turned to Edward in complete shock and in silence.

"Hmmm." Alice ran her fingers through her hair trying to sort herself. "Not quite the way I had imagined the night to go…" she finished still in shock.

I couldn't help but let out a laugh at the way things had went, Rose just looked at me wanting to laugh, she lasted about half a second before she burst out laughing along with the rest of them.

"Ok let's get this one to bed." Alice's cheery tone once again present giving out the orders.

* * *

I didn't know what to think at Jaspers words, that he thought Edward had a crush on me. I was sure he had got it all completely wrong. If you like someone you don't go around acting like that to them. It just makes no sense.

I put it to the back of my head as I watched Jasper and Emmett put Edward on his bed. They pulled at his clothes undressing him, taking care of him as me and the two girls watched in amusement as Edward fought to keep his high despite him almost falling asleep.

It was like a car crash, you know you should watch but you just can't help it.

"Ok, let's go." Emmett called to Rose standing up but still looking at his weary brother in bed. "Call us if you need us ok?" He reached Alice, pulling her into a hug as he kissed the top of her hair good night. Rose joined him, pulling Alice into a hug too.

The next moment Emmett pulled me into a hug giving me a small peck on the cheek before Rose also hugged me goodnight. I was surprised. I felt like I had been taken in as one of there own.

With that the duo left, heading for there own bed.

"Is he going to be ok?" I asked worriedly looking at Edward as Alice sat at the edge of his bed before checking him over for herself.

She nodded before turning to look at me "This time he's lucky. But the good news is he will be feeling so bad come morning I don't ever think he'll be attempting it for a while."

She looked back at Edward and his now sleeping form. "He spoke to you?" She asked, me, not sure who the question was directed at. "Jasper?" she turned to him, the question meant for him.

"Yeh, how?" he asked confused.

She combed Edward's messy hair back out of his face with her fingers, worried about him. "He doesn't do that. He's never had a friend before." A tiny sob came from her as she wiped away a rouge tear from her face.

Jasper let out a small laugh. "Sorry. I'm not being rude." He sat down on the floor at the side of Edward's bed looking up at Alice. "When you sent him back in to find out my name he came in saying 'My pain on the arse sister thinks I'm being anti-social to you, what's your name?' I asked if you were single, he said yes, I gave him my name. He laughed at that. …I don't know I suppose we just clicked and we started talking." Jasper shrugged.

"He has a friend?" Alice's sweet voice trembling but also hopeful.

He laughed again. "He has a friend.... though he _was_ pretty damn unsociable till then." He joked making Alice laugh a little.

I felt like I was intruding on a personal moment between the two and thought it would be best to leave them to it. To talk a little. There was clearly some strong attraction between the two of them, not just lust but a little bit of something else as well.

"Listen…I'm just going to bed." I told them

"I'll be through in a minute." Alice said and I nodded.

"Night Jasper."

"Night Bella." He saluted from the floor as I left to go to my own room.

* * *

I lay in our room with my lamp on staring up at the ceiling totally taken aback by the night's events. I never imagined seeing Edward in a state like that. Alice I thought was going for it, but Edward…Never seen that one coming. He's always…well, quiet.

I also don't get why Alice lied. I suppose it would be the easiest answer, people would just shrug and not bother asking anything of it. Just like I did.

But he can't drink, we'll at least I'm guessing he's not meant to. Either that he had drank a lot while he was away from us. It didn't make sense in my head. To me it seemed as if he was just trying to put some distance between him and something in his head. He will feel like crap in the morning. Generally, yes, for him, I think he will be feeling even worse, just like Alice had said.

The door quietly opened as Alice came in. I had left her almost two hours ago with Jasper and this was her just getting back in.

"You're still awake." She smiled at me as I looked at her coming through the door.

"Yeh, I just wanted to check you were ok." I gave her a tight smile, worried about how she was feeling. The night had definitely taken it's toll out on her.

"I'm fine," she smiled almost dreamily. As she place down her jacket on the back of the door.

I couldn't help but let out a small laugh at the look on her face. "And how is Jasper?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"A great kisser." She let out a happy sigh.

I had to laugh. I had been so worried about her but her she was back to my bouncing Alice.

"You didn't, not in the same room as you're passed out brother?" I joked.

"No, that would be just wrong," she shook her head with a posh tone in her voice. "He was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my door." I rolled my eyes.

"Making out in hallways, Classy." She poked her tongue out at me.

She sat down on her bed before giving me a look. I knew this look, it was a serious look. "Edward?" she asked.

"Is a great drunk." I replied trying to keep the tone light.

"Seriously. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well…I don't know. You seem to have your hands full with him as it is without me adding to it."

"You know, what he says to you, it's important to me. I don't want you to not want to be friend with me because he's an ass."

"I understand what you said. He's just not a people person. He finds it hard. I saw it. I don't understand why he's like that; I just understand that's how he is."

Alice smiled at me with a huge grin on her face.

"What?" I asked

"No one seem to get him, but Jasper and him have some kind of thing going on-"

"You make them sound like a couple." I laughed.

"Hey, Jaspers mine." She looked off again all dreamy eyed "Such a good kisser." Her attention coming snapping back to me. "And despite him being a total dick to you, you seem to get it." She shrugged.

"We'll he doesn't want to talk to me so I will just keep my distance. It will be best for him."

"You think?" she raised an eyebrow. "Jasper is pretty sure he likes you."

"I don't think that's true. Besides I have a boyfriend." I remind her.

"I suppose if he did he would at least remember your name."

I laughed "We were talking about a book earlier in the library." I try to explain.

"Ahh. Vanity Fair." She nods understanding. "Edward loves that book, he loves Becky. He thinks she's just like him. Good intentions but always does the wrong thing. He thinks her mistakes are what make's her human. That even though in the end she doesn't have anyone to really love she still gets by." He sees Becky like I do. Like how I told him in the library.

"I don't know. I always just saw her as a bit of a money grabbing status snob." Alice finishes.

I sat there a bit dumbfounded at what Alice had just said. No wonder I thought we had seemed to connect a bit in the library. I have never had anyone else tell me that they seen Becky like I did.

"Alice," I looked up at her a bit more serious. She could tell already what I was going to ask. I could see it on her face. It was as if she was reading my mind.

"Bella, please." She tried to stop me.

"What is wrong with Edward? You know at first I thought he was just arrogant, then I though he maybe…I don't know, maybe bi-polar or something. It's something else though isn't it; it's not just his mind." She sat there silent looking at me not knowing weather to answerer me or not. "He was wasted and he didn't have much time to get that drunk, it's physical too?" I asked.

She ran her fingers through her hair. "You know, he's… It's like you said, it's something with his mind and also some physical things too. Coming here this year was a new start. No one knows him. If we don't say what's wrong with him, then well, he feels that he is the ass that everyone thinks he is and he happy with that thought a lot more than people knowing the truth. Like I said high school was hard for him, it was hard for me seeing him like that. Here, no one knows, no one can judge, no one can make fun. He's not that little bullied boy anymore and now, he has a friend." Alice looked like her own heart was about to break at the thought of her brother but she still smiled. "If you want to know, you will have to ask him, sorry." She shrugged simply.

"I'm sorry I asked. Your right, I should ask him if I want to know. You're a good sister to him."

"Thanks." She smiled at me shyly. "Well I think this day had gone on long enough. I'm going to get ready for bed then seep."

"That sounds good to me." I smile back getting settled back into my bed as Alice leaves to go get ready for bed.

* * *

"Rise and shine sunshine." I hear Alice chirp as she opens the curtains wide to the morning sun.

"Are you kidding me?" I ask her as I try to hide below the duvet.

"Come on, its last day before your life is washed away into the grown up world of college." She jumped on the end of my bed bouncing to get me out of it.

"Stop it already. God what to they feed you? Where is your sore head?" I ask her, she seeming to have no ill effects of last night.

"Yeh, I don't get hangovers. I don't know why." She sighs.

Her voice, the light my head. There all killing me this morning. "That's most likely because you don't sit down long enough; you burn all the alcohol off." I snap.

"Oh someone is touchy."

"Some one is loved up." I reply.

"Talking of him. Were going for breakfast, want to join?"

I look at her, all showered, dressed and make-up done. "No I think I'll leave loves young dream to it this morning."

"I was hoping you would say that." she poked her tongue out at me. "Becky is still in her bed unconscious. I think its best she sleeps." By Becky, I'm guessing she means Edward. And no wonder. I would still be sleeping if I had the chance to.

"Ok whatever." I moan into my pillow letting myself slowly wake up.

She disappears out the room and I'm left in a peaceful stillness. It feels great, though I decide to head for the shower to at least help with my sore head.

Getting in I let the steam build up in the cubical as I feel myself and my head relax. My head is still fairly sore though. I stand in the shower for what seems like forever before I notice my hands all wrinkly.

Getting out the room is filled with steam and I can't see a thing in the mirror. Though, happily – I have remembered my clothes today.

I get dressed and wrap the towel around my head before I head out back into the hall heading for my room.

Standing at my room door I hear a groan come from behind me, making my head whip around to the door behind me, 324, Edward and Jasper's room.

I shrug it off to Edward's hangover catching up with him as I slide my key in my door.

Another groan but this time louder. I look back wondering if I should knock and see how he is though my guess is he might not want to see me, perhaps embarrassed about last night.

I look back at my key dangling in to door as I go to turn it. The cry from Edward is loud and there is most definitely pain behind it. I knew Alice said he would feel bad but that would be ridiculous to make a sound like that from alcohol.

I pull my key out turning to the boy's door as I hear an almost shriek coming form the other side that has my stomach in knots.

I knock on the door calling through to him, looking for some answer. Even if it was just to tell me to piss off. Any sound would be better than what I just herd.

"Edward." I call through the door once again as I bang my hand off the door.

Another blood curling cry from him and I decide I need to go in. I push the door open, thankful that Jasper never locked it.

Edward is lying there fetal on his bed gripping onto his abdomen in pain with his forehead shining with sweat. I stood for a moment in shock at what I was seeing, this wasn't a hangover, something was very wrong here. Another cry snapped me back to reality as I ran to his side, trying anything to see what was wrong.

"Edward what's wrong?" I ask but he seems oblivious to me sitting next to him. My towel falling off my head and on to the floor and I barley even noticed it.

"Edward, do I need to do something." His head twitched to the side in reaction to my voice.

He tried to get up but more pain came and he griped once again at his waist with a loud cry.

I pulled at his face to look at me, making our eyes meet. "What do you need Edward." Convinced he was trying to get a something.

His eyes were bloodshot and his chest was soaked with sweat. He loosened one of his hands away from himself trying to pull himself along his bed before another wave of pain hit him making his body jerk together, bouncing his head of my thigh.

Once again the wave seems to lessen and his hand moved to my leg gripping me, my eyes snapping back to Edwards's tired looking eyes.

My hand shook as I pick up his mobile that I notice and tried to call Alice just as the battery died and my phone still somewhere in my room. I planed to quickly rush through to get it but Edwards hand reached for mine as he pulled at me, moving him on to his side. I moved closer to him just before he threw up catching part of my top.

I rested my other hand on his face, trying to relax him when another wave of sick hit him. It's close to his face so I grabbed at my discarded towel trying to wipe it away from him before his body seemed to momentary relax as I pulled myself to his face trying to check his eyes and wipe away his damp sweaty hair out of the way.

Looking into his eye's they rolled back into his head, showing only the whites as his body began to flinch. realizing he was having a seizure. I didn't know what to do but reckoned it best to hold him slightly so he didn't hurt himself but not firm enough that I hurt him. His legs and arms contract randomly as it shook through his torso and up to his head.

At one stage his chest seemed so high up in the air but it came back crashing down on to the soft mattress. I thanked god that he was in bed when this happened.

His eyes still a plain white showed as his head and neck twitched with the fit when all of a sudden it was calm and quiet.

I let go of his head as I looked him over. His body was soaking with sweat but his breathing seemed almost calm. His eyes were closed, now no longer only able to see the whites.

I was happy of that.

It showed his pain too much and it was hard to look at. I pulled back one of his lids checking that they had in fact returned to normal.

I picked up my key and ran to my room opening it to get my phone. I called an ambulance first. None of this was normal for anyone. He needed a doctor and quick.

"911. What's your emergency?" the voice answered.

"I need an ambulance quick." I told the operator. "My friend had some kind of fit."

"Do they have a history of seizures?" they ask.

"I don't know. Please. Just get her as soon as you can. Its room 324 Meadow Halls." I give her the address.

"How is there pulse?"

In my whole panic I never thought about checking his pulse. I struggled to do it in fear of one not being there but I had to try. I placed my trembling hand at his neck getting a reading. "It's pretty fast."

"The ambulance is on it's way. Do you want to stay on the phone until they arrive?"

"No, I need to call his sister."

"No problem, call us if you need to." I cut her off without another word as I rushed through the phone book on my phone. I heard the tune for Alice's phone carry through from my open room. She had left it and I still didn't have Jaspers number.

I had Rose's number somewhere. I still hadn't saved it to my phone but I had to try to get one of them.

I looked down at Edwards resting or unconscious body not wanting to leave him, worried that it would happen again.

I had to try though. They would know what to do, surely.

I raced through to my room pulling my drawer out where I had thrown the number into with a million other things.

Rushing back beside Edward I emptied its contents out on the floor sieving through it looking for the small scrap of paper while constantly looking up at him.

I called but there was no answer. I left her a desperate message no doubt scaring the hell out of them once they received it.

I sat back at Edward's side, checking him over then lay down beside him, laying in some of the wiped off vomit but it didn't matter. I didn't know if he could hear or feel anything, to be honest it didn't matter if he did because I still wanted to make sure he was safe.

I pulled at his covers, pulling them up to his chin, his body cooling down with the sweat, as I tucked it around his side before I wrapped an arm around his waist, all the time my eyes on him.

* * *

**A/N: I know there has been a fair bit of Alice the past two chapters but I need to build up the story and there relationships - its all needed for the story.**

**Also I need to know what you think of the last part of this chapter. I didnt want it to be too descriptive but I wanted it to be real. Also someone I know had a fit so what Bella did here was kinda what I did to her. right or worng - I dont know but she was fine. **

**Can I ask If i'm being to descriptive in what I'm writing or is it just enough or too little? I dont know and I need help to get better!!**

**Please review!! I'm starting to lag in my creative urges now.**

**xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**_A/N: ok FF has been havving some problems i think. Its been acting a little strange with me - I couldnt post this chapter._**

**_Chapter 5 hasnt changed for those that did manage to read it but I took it down cos FF didnt seem to let it show. - if you get what i mean lol_**

**_I hope this is the reason for getting no reviews for te last two chapters and not cause it sucks! - let me know please!!_**

**Chapter 5**

About five minutes passed before I heard the commotion along the hall. I heard a man and a woman call out, looking for us. I pulled Edward closer to me before releasing him as the two found his door. I brushed his cheek with my thumb wanting him to know I was still here, that I wasn't going anywhere.

"Hello ma'am." The man called to me while beginning to inspect Edward. "Can you tell me what happened?" He asked as he shone a torch into his eyes.

"Pupil reaction is slow." He told the women.

Looking at Edward I stumbled the words out. "He was crying out with pain, pain in his gut I think. He was curled up and gripping at his waist then he was sick." I told him as I looked down at my shirt for evidence before I looked back at Edward. "He had some kind of fit." I finished off.

He had bracelet on his wrist. I hadn't even noticed it before now but with the paramedic standing there it made sense it was a medialert bracelet.

The man looked at it reading it. "AIP." He called up in surprise. "He and an attack, he needs glucose and heme," he turned to me. "We need to get him to the hospital right away to make sure there is no permanent damage." I nodded not really having any clue what he was talking about. "Do you know where his meds are Miss?"

"Meds?" I asked not having a clue he was on medication.

"Yes, the ones he takes if he has an attack." He looked at me waiting.

"I…I no…I just met him a couple of days ago. We start college tomorrow." The man only nodding at me.

"It's alright Miss." the lady placed an arm on my shoulder as my head looked around the room. That must have been what he was trying to get at. I knew there was something.

I began to dive into his belongings, pulling out his drawer and throwing its contents beside my spilt ones. There was no medication to be seen. No bottles no packets, nothing.

"Miss, does he have a jacket? You know if he went out he would perhaps keep them in a pocket.

I ran to the back of the door pulling at a few jackets inspecting a few pockets before I found what I'm looking for. "This them?"

I passed the bottle over to the woman as she reads the label before nodding her head.

They strapped Edward into a stretcher and began there decent down the stairs. My hand holding tight onto his, rubbing the back of it offering some form of comfort as we passed through the small crowd that had gathered after the Ambulances arrival.

I was only glad that Edward was out cold right at that moment so he couldn't see there faces staring at him. He would hate this. I didn't let go of his hand at any time.

My voice filled the air with useless babble as I kept talking to him letting him know I was there "Don't worry, Alice will be here soon". I promised. I only hoped it wasn't an empty one. I knew he would need someone when he woke up - and that someone won't be me.

"You're doing good, Edward. Once you're at the hospital you will be just fine." I hoped it wasn't another empty promise.

"Bella?!" I hear my name being shrieked from across the parking lot and I knew it was Alice. Her tone is of complete panic and fear.

"Alice." I called back to her finally finding her in the car park.

I seen Jasper and her race across to Edwards's side as she threw herself at Edward.

"Alice, they need to get him to hospital for something."

"Heme." She told me.

"Excuse me miss, is he a relation to you?" The paramedic asked.

"He's my brother." She told him while all the time her eyes looking down at Edward as Jasper held her up. "You need to take him to Seattle Grace. My dad is a doctor. He can fix him." Alice told the driver. The paramedic only nodded in agreement.

"We need to get him to hospital Ladies." I heard the woman call.

"Edward, Alice is here, she will take your hand ok? She will go with you in the ambulance." I kissed the back of his hand before I passed it to Alice. She gave me watery smile as tears slid down her cheeks. "I'll meet you there." I promise her.

"Come on Bella I'll drive you." Jasper pulled me into his side as they wheel Edward in to the van and Alice joining him before they close the doors.

I heard Jaspers phone ring and thought of Emmett and Rose straight away. "Emmett." I heard Jasper call into his phone, while remembering that I had left my own phone on Edwards floor. "There just heading to see your dad. Bella and I are just going to follow them." Jasper pulled me along with him in the direction of his car and I wrapped my arms around his waist needing all the support I could get.

He opened the door for me and helped me in before helping me with my seatbelt as I dazed out the windshield. The journey to the hospital, I can't remember. My only thought was seeing Edward cry in pain and his eyes rolling back into his head. Jasper parked and found out where that had taken him. I didn't even notice myself pass through the hospital, my only memory was Jasper sitting me down and telling me he was going to find out what he could.

Some time passed, but I'm not sure how long before I felt arms around my neck as Rosalie's voice filled my head with questions. I felt her wipe at my face and it was only then I realized I had been crying.

"Bella, Bella?" My head snapped at Alice's voice. "This is my dad", she pointed to a slightly older man but his hair still a vibrant blonde.

"Hello Bella." The blonde knelt down in front of me. "I'm Carlisle; I just want to thank you. You did a good job at looking after my boy." He smiled at me but you could see the pain in his eyes at having to see his own son on a work basis today.

"I never did much." I shrugged.

"You might just have saved his life, that's a lot to me, and it will be to my wife too." He smiled, placing a hand on my knee giving it a reassuring squeeze before he stood back up.

"Can I see him?" I asked hopeful that if they were out here that he was fine.

"There is a doctor in just now and I'm going back in but I'll let you know as soon as you can. It's the least I can do." I felt Emmett's burly arms around my neck from behind as he kissed the back of my head. There was no words, there didn't need to be. I knew what he was saying.

* * *

Some time had passed in the hospital and in the waiting room only Jasper and I sat. The rest of them were together in private catching a moment together.

A slender woman had walked through not long before who I took as there mother. The worry was etched in her face as she ran around calling for Carlisle.

I felt Jaspers elbow give me a small dunt to my side once again. He had done this a few times checking I was ok. "I'm still fine Jasper." I let out mechanically my head not moving but only gazing at the wall.

"If you were fine you wouldn't be normal." He told me and my attention was his.

"I wasn't right sure if you could actually move your neck there, really, my driving isn't that bad." I let out a tiny laugh knowing I needed it so bad.

It made me relax a little. "You know you should go around there, find out what's happening." He told me, knowing that I really wanted to.

"I cant, it's a family thing."

"We'll, if you ask me, well even if your not, I'm telling you anyways…If it wasn't for you, they might be missing one of there family right now. So I think you at least deserve to go and see what's happening." He smiled at me, encouraging me. "Go on, I'll keep your seat warm." He joked.

I give a small nod of thanks to Jasper and head around the corner.

"Why did you let him drink if the first place? You know he trusts you, why did you let him do it?" I heard the slim mother tell Alice.

"But if you just listen…"

"Come on Alice, you know this stuff better than anyone, did he eat?"

"A little."

I was shocked; Alice really was the one to look after Edward. His whole family seemed to put it on Alice.

"Alice." I called as I walked up to the pair.

"Bella." She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tight, so tight I didn't think she would ever let me go. "This is Bella, she found Edward. Bella this is my mum."

The woman just gripped me in a tight hug just like Alice had done seconds before, her hug was also tight. She pulled back with a tear in her eye.

"I don't know what to say, thank you so much."

"Mrs Cullen…"

"Please. It's Esme." She told me.

I smiled at her politely. "Esme." I corrected myself. "I don't mean to speak out of turn here but, Alice, she has done nothing but chase Edward around since I met her two days ago. I think it is the stress of starting college that made him drink last night." I shrugged, not really sure of what I was talking about. "All I know is Alice had tried really hard with him so please go easy on her. This isn't her fault, or Edwards."

The woman looked at me a little surprised not speaking, inching the bridge of her nose with her eyes closed as she took a deep breath before she began. "You know what, your right." I was? "I have Alice struggle with looking after him because, well that's how they work, but I have put too much of it on you Alice." She turned to Alice before cupping her cheek. "I'm sorry, I have forced you into these things but really he's old enough to do what he wants, and he has." She shrugged slightly. "Once he's out of here we talk about it ok." Alice head nodded while still embracing Esme's warmth.

"Now I'm going to see if I can see my son. I'll let you know when we can." And with that she was away.

"Are you ok?" I ask Alice. She gives me a shy nod before crashing into me for another hug.

* * *

I sat looking at my hands as I wrung them. "You know they might just fall of if you keep playing with them." Jasper warned with a joking tone.

Honestly I don't know how I would have gotten through being at the hospital without Jasper. He calmed me back down just when he sensed me getting anxious again.

"I heard about this boy one time, he kept playing with something." He raised an eyebrow. "And then one day it just fell off. Telling you, true story." He nodded. I burst out laughing knowing fine well.

"You know, you're pretty funny." I tell him. "That's must be the reason you have got Alice hooked." I looked at him testing the waters as he squirmed in his seat.

"Nothing's going on there." He told me.

"Uh-huh? So do you just kiss everyone?" I push him further and he let out a groan.

"She told you."

"You have met Alice, right? Of course she told me?" I looked at him seriously "Don't tell me you're not really interested in her?" I let out, more than a little upset for Alice.

"Of course I am. She's great and beautiful and I can pick her up with one arm." I roll my eyes at him "But then there's Edward, I have to share with him for the next year, he might not like it. Plus, with whatever is going on with him, I worry that I really piss him of he will smoother me in my sleep or something. "I had to let out a laugh at that one. "Then there's Emmett, Christ, one wrong move and he will crush me." he shook his head.

"But if it's the right girl…" I tell him

"Yeh, she's definitely the right girl." He gave out with that dreamy sigh Alice had this morning

"Grow a pair then and ask her out." I ordered him. "It just might make her day a little bit better."

"Oh you're good Swan?" he eyed me form the side.

"I know." I tell him, jokingly boasting.

"So…what about our little hospital patient?" He looked at me.

"Yeh, I hope I see him soon." I shuffle in my seat trying to see around the corner "I was so scared for him. That screaming…" I shuddered at the thought.

"I'm sure…" he trailed off ending his sentence before I once again felt a small elbow as he pointed his head in the direction of Alice who is waving me over.

I stood up feeling apprehensive, I didn't know If it's what I should do, to go in and see him, but I need to, I need to see him better, not like how I seen him the last time.

I walked up to his room behind Alice; it felt like everything was in slow motion. Emmett and the rest came out of the room when they see me coming up to the room from the corridor.

Esme smiled at me and squeezed my shoulder when she passed, Rose gave another hug, as did Emmett and Carlisle just gave an appreciative nod. I still don't understand why they thanked me so much. All I did was call an ambulance. They would have done the same.

I couldn't even find his medication.

Alice let me walk in first, my eyes filling with tears. He looked better now, he did, but there were tubes at his nose giving him oxygen and a drip with more than one bag going in to his arm and his heart is being monitored; good and steady.

"Listen, I'll give you sometime alone, ok." Alice nodded before she disappeared out the door closing it with a soft click.

I wondered up to his bed slowly as I took in all that's around him, I took in him, below his eyes were lighter, not the dark shade of purple that looked more like bruises. As I got closer I only just noticed his light stubble for the first time.

A piece of his hair was hanging down over his eye and my hand instinctively reached for it, wiping it out from his face. I let my hand slide down his face, feeling the short stubble down the side, before resting my hand on his cheek, cupping it.

Edward moved his head further into my hand and I snapped it back cupping my mouth in shock realizing that he was awake.

His eyes fluttered open looking for me, trying to focus, eventually seeing me and giving me a small smile. "That felt nice." He told me, I guessed he was meaning me stroking his cheek.

I smiled soft at him placing my hand back up at his cheek, continuing.

"How are you feeling?"

"Great." He told me. Still high on the drugs they had given him I thought. I let out a little laugh at his enthusiasm.

"Some hangover."

"That's why I should never drink." His eyes fluttered closed as he pushed his cheek further into my hand.

"Are you ok?" I ask a bit more serious, his eyes opening again, meeting mine.

"I will be." His words are honest. This is like the drunken Edward of last night. All of the truth spilling out of him.

He said nothing else and we enjoyed the silence, his eyes looking up at mine as I continued stroking his cheek, giving him any comfort I could.

His hand reached up to my face and I pulled down closer to him, Edward wiping at tears that I never knew existed once again.

"Sorry." He mumbled

"Nothing to be sorry for." I promised him as I let my other hand grasp on to his hand giving it a squeeze. His eyes pulled south looking at out connecting hands.

I felt his fingers trail across my shirt and for the first time I remembered I was still wearing the shirt with some of Edwards sick.

His eyes meet mine again filled with panic at the memory. "It's ok Edward, don't worry."

A panicked sorry came from him then followed by a sob. "Its fine, don't worry, Edward, don't worry." I tried to calm him. I pulled myself into him wrapping my arms difficulty around his neck. "Shhh, Edward, don't worry." His breathing was erratic.

I continued to keep my head resting on his chest as I looked up at him, moving my hand to stroke his cheek once again. "Edward, breathe, please." I plead with him looking into his eyes, his not meeting mine anymore. I pulled at his jaw making him look at me, his eyes eventually giving in and looking down.

We paused for a split second before I placed a small chaste kiss on his lips making him talk a small gasp in surprise.

Our lips parted and I rested my head back down on his chest hearing his breathing and his heart rate go back to normal, my evidence in front of me on the small heart monitor.

I slid the rest of my body up beside Edward and felt him relax as I played with is hair, as I manoeuvred my arm at the top of his head and my other hand stroking his cheek. His eyes fluttered closed and he began to rest again with an arm resting on my side as he fell asleep.

* * *

About ten minutes had passed and Edward seemed to be sleeping soundly but I continued to stroke his cheek and play at his hair. I didn't want anything to disturb him. It must have taken a lot out of him and I knew he would need rest..

I heard the door open and close with a soft click as I heard gentle footsteps coming towards the bed. I didn't care who it was, or what it may have looked like. My only concern was Edward.

I felt a hand being place on my shoulder and it was then I turned to see who it was. It was Carlisle. Being the doctor I was only happy to move for him, to let him in to asses Edward. Anyone else and I don't think I would have moved.

I moved up gently and slowly as Carlisle held onto my hand helping me to my feet.

"He was panicking." I shrugged at him trying to explain why my arms had been wrapped around his son.

He gave a tight smile as he nodded as if he had expected it. "His head will be a little confused right now." He whispered to me. "Can I speak with you out side?"

I nodded in agreement and followed him out of the room; giving Edward's sleeping body one last glance before I walked out the door.

"Alice tells me that Edward has been quite rude to you since you met."

I pulled my lip in between my teeth chewing on it wondering where he was taking the conversation. "Yeh a little, Alice told me that's just his way. But he seems ok about me now." I give a small smile as I looked through the little window on his door.

"About that, Edward won't remember that, they very rarely do after an attack. I don't want you to be upset if he doesn't remember." He told me.

"He wont remember any off it?" I suppose the drug that they must have given him would have been strong.

"Probably not. An attack can cause mental changes; his character may be a little different right now." I tried to take in his words. "A lot of factors can cause him to change so don't be surprised if you get your usual Edward tomorrow, ok?"

I couldn't understand him, he was saying to me that this wasn't Edward, that whoever I was talking to would be gone and that the rude Edward would be back tomorrow not remembering anything.

"I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear. I'm sure that you would want an easy life with Edward but truth of matter is he is who he is because it's his defence mechanism. I don't know if you know that there adopted?" He asked, though it would make sense as they do seem too young to have kids in college.

I shook my head answering no. "There parents died when they were young and had no other family. We adopted them, many refusing because of Edwards's genetic condition. That doesn't really matter, the point is Alice and Emmett both refer to us as there mother and father, Edward doesn't, he used to when he was young but doesn't anymore. He fights people back except Emmett and Alice. His relationship is very close with her, perhaps a little unhealthy for Alice though. She seems to almost stand in for Esme since Edward try's to keep her at a distance."

"Alice told me not to take it personally."

"She's right. He just wants to protect himself. He thinks that when he has a bad patch that people would want nothing to do with him so he doesn't even try."

I felt like I could cry, I knew he was keeping people at a distance but I never imagined this was the reason. "And just now, is he going through a bad patch?" I asked hopeful that he would get better and at least talk to me.

"Honestly, I don't know. It's so hard to tell with him now because he likes to be that person, not to be horrible, I'm sure, just so people don't see the changes. Alice said that he had been drinking and not eating properly. College would be increasing his anxiety levels and Jasper also said that he didn't sleep much on his first night. These are all major factors at keeping him as balanced as well as we can. He is fighting against it knowing the effects. In a way it's almost like self-harm."

I stood there in shock; he was struggling with the changes so this was the way he was dealing with it.

"I really couldn't tell you if it was because of stress at starting college, that he didn't want to or couldn't eat or sleep. But I do intend to find out. As for the alcohol, I suspect he wanted to just try it to feel more… normal. He's never drank before so he would have been clueless about its effects on him. But it was definitely the reason he's in here today."

I looked back through the small window, Edward was still asleep. I looked at him resting, hoping that when I came back tomorrow that it was still the same boy I had just left.

* * *

_Time_

_Lots and lots of time._

Jasper and I sat in the waiting room, not really saying much. He had seen my face when I got back to the waiting room and knew I needed some peace. He did ask how Edward was though. I told him he looked better and he never asked any more questions.

I don't really know what we were waiting for. I suppose our new friends, just being there for them. Jasper seen Edward for a little while, though he was still asleep so he never got to see the Edward I had. I didn't tell him anything that Carlisle had said but his words played through my head in the silent waiting room. I sat there for at least three hours just looking at the one poster reminding me to let them know if I was pregnant before having an x-ray with a little cartoon baby on its knees in the womb, pleading, hands clasped, to there mother to remember about them.

Jasper told me it was time to go home. I knew he was right, I had to get some sleep and eat something. The only thing I had all day was several sugary cups of coffee that Jasper force fed me.

I made it back to my room with no Alice as she headed home with her family. Lying down on my bed I looked up to the ceiling feeling tired but knew that my mind was just way too hyped after my talk with Carlisle to be able to get any sleep. I wished he could have given me some of the drugs they gave to Edward.

I heard a knock on my door and I shouted for them to come in knowing it would be Jasper. He was in the same situation as me, waking up in the morning alone to our first day of college. He opened the door standing in the door way for a moment before coming in.

"Your stuff…I don't know what's yours and what's Edward's but I knew this was yours." He handed me my mobile.

I had totally forgotten all about it. Honestly I didn't even think about anyone that might have been trying to contact me. I flipped it open seeing six missed calls, four from Jake and two from Charlie.

I looked at the time with the clock reading the back of half ten. I knew that he may be sleeping but the fact I hadn't called him back would most likely mean that he was still up, worried about me. The same would go for Jake.

"Listen, I'll let you get some rest but I'll come get you at eight ok?"

I gave him a tight smile, not even looking at him, my eyes still on Jakes name and number on my phones screen. I heard him close the door behind him and I caught a moment before I called Jake.

He picked up almost instantly

"Hi…" I greeted him. This was my first mistake.

"Bella, are you ok?" His voice panicked because of my tone and more importantly I never gave him out usual "Hey."

"I'm fine, sorry, I left my cell."

"Where were you?"

"The hospital." To emotionally drained to talk, I only gave him short answers. I really couldn't be bothered speaking at all.

"Wait, what, are you ok." Jakes mind going into overdrive knowing the accidents I manage to get myself into.

"I'm fine, it was Edward."

"The guy with the attitude problem." I flinched at his words making it sound all so simple.

"Yes." Was all I gave.

"Is he ok?" he did seem at least concerned. My tone probably concerning him more.

"He should be. Listen, I need sleep." I yawned.

"Of course. Just call me if you need me."

"Ok."

"And Bells, good luck for tomorrow." I could have laughed. It all seemed so trivial now.

"Night Jake." I ended the call.

I called Charlie right after my call with Jake. He was worried too. He never asked much, he knew that I wasn't hurt and he was happy with that.

I got ready for bed and settled as much as I could into my bed, begging for sleep to come to me. Every time I closed my eyes though the only thing I seemed to see was Edwards's eyes rolling back into his head, showing only the white, the tension pulling his head back making his neck stretch.

I knew he was ok, that given a week or two he would be back to normal but the images still haunted me. I tossed and turned a hundred times more than my first night. At least then I had Alice, right now I had no one, no one to talk to and no one to just hold me in there arms for a little bit of comfort.

I felt selfish for how I felt knowing that Edward would be feeling a lot worse than me right now. He was lying in some hospital bed with not a single home comfort. All he had was the stiff starched bed sheets keeping him warm.

Looking at the clock the red glow showed it was almost two in the morning when I heard a small knock on the door. I knew who it was and called for Jasper to come in. I hadn't even left my room never mind locked the door.

He walked in, changed into to a t-shirt and pyjama bottoms, closing he door with no sound.

"I thought if I was awake, you would be awake. Right again." He raised his eyebrows with a half smug look. I only let out a little laugh as I fidgeted with a thread on my bed cover. "Ok, I don't have any nail varnish." He raised his shoulders then letting them drop, "or even a pint of ice cream for that matter." He walked to the end of my bed taking a seat. "But I do have ears and I do have a shoulder."

I shifted up in my bed sitting facing him as he moved further up.

"I just…I just can't sleep." I was honest.

"No shit." He was deadpan. "I'm here if you want to talk, Bella."

And so I talked, I talked and talked and talked some more. He sat there taking in all my words and giving me a tight hug as I cried when I told him I though he was going to die.

He really was great, Alice and him deserved to be happy together. I changed the subject to him and we talked for a little about that. We chatted until about six in the morning before we decided we should at least get some sleep before having to get up. He slipped into Alice's bed making both our nights sleep that little bit more restful knowing the other was there.

* * *

**_A/N: About the EPOV issue - I have done an EPOV from when he first seen Bella. I'm not wanting to upset the lay of the pages so if you would like to read it - review and let me know and I will send it to you. I liked doing it so think I will be doing another one soon but my main concern is the actual story first. _**

**_And of please - help my ego out here - I havent had a review for the last two chapters! just give me some love if your liking the story!_**

**_Oh hoped you liked the Bella/Jasper scenes!! - once again let me know!_**

**_xx_**


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Ok so thank you to everyone that reviewed - it really did mean the world - so please dont stop!**_

_**It has gave me a bit of get up and go when I began I was feeling I had no readers.**_

_**Big big hugs to you all!!!**_

* * *

**Chapter 6**

The alarm went off and hour and a half later with the pair of us groaning at the thought of the long day of standing around while course instructors sent us to the wrong place trying to sort out the mass amounts of timetables and everything that goes along with this general boring day. We should be excited with the thought of starting college but we just couldn't.

"Alright?" Jasper looked across at me as I let my hand fish around for the off button on the alarm and my face wanting to hide back into my pillow.

"Yeh." I gave back a little half heartedly

"I can't believe were college students." rubbing his eyes.

"I can't believe Alice and Edward aren't here." After the past couple of days we some how became dependant on one another, we were all in the same boat. It had felt nice not to feel so alone.

Sitting up he let out a yawn. "I'm going for as shower, make it half eight?" as he looked at the clock obviously not to bothered about being sharp anymore.

"Yeh, I'm heading too." I let him know pulling at my folded towel on my work desk.

With that we went out separate ways getting ready and meeting an hour later.

* * *

We pulled up at the main entrance together in Jaspers car looking up to the mass of, already lost, newbie students.

Alice had called me earlier to let me know that Carlisle had already spoken to the head and there course leaders telling them that they would be in to register in a couple of days and Edward in a couple of weeks. He had also passed our names on too and we were allowed to leave after registration, missing orientation because of shock.

I suppose you could say that.

We held our directions in our hands, each going a different way from the other and we parted with the promise to call the other once we had finished. I was done within half an hour, my course leader, pushing me through the crowed of pissed off teenagers looking at me wondering why I had the special treatment.

_This was a good start _

I found my way over to Jasper standing with him in a comfortable silence until he was done and we headed back to our dorm.

"I can't believe I made such a mess." I apologised as I dropped to my knees on the boys' room floor beginning to sort through our belongings.

"Yeh I thought you might want to deal with it." He shrugged looking away slight embarrassed at my tampons and contraception littering his bedroom floor.

"Sorry, Jazz." I scooped it all off the floor putting it into one drawer so I could sort through it later.

"You had other things on your mind." His head peered into one of the cupboards, trying not to looking at me. I had to laugh, he was such a boy.

He threw down and empty backpack on his bed, one that I had asked for in that car when I suggested that Edward might want the clothes he took with him to college, his usual clothes, not something that his family might have had to rush out and buy.

I stood there looking into the full wardrobe not wanting to go through his belongings. I knew it never made much sense, it was only clothes but it still felt wrong.

"What should we pack?" he looked down at me.

I backed down onto Jaspers unmade bed that he had abandoned in the middle of the night. "I don't know. You pick, you're a guy."

"Jeans?" he questioned, I nodded as he pulled out half a dozen pairs.

"I don't think he will need all them, how bout some joggers?" peeking around him wondering if he had any.

He pulled out four pairs. I tried not to shake my head. Who did this boys packing, that's what I wanted to know.

Half of this stuff would struggle to fit in the bag never mind what else we needed to put in.

I picked up a two pairs of joggers and a pair of jeans; it was only to dress him until he told someone what he wanted. Jasper looked at me as if I was crazy.

"He's in hospital, he doesn't need to look sharp." I gave out flatly.

"There's hot nurses." He reminds me and I could only laugh as I pushed him out the road.

"T-shirts." I tell him as I pull out a few along with a hooded jumper and a zip up.

I turned around looking at him as I bit my bottom lip feeling all shy to ask.

"What?" he asked looking at me as if I was mad.

"Can you look for his underwear?" I already knew he was a boxer's man from when I had found him in bed but I really didn't like the idea of raking through his smalls.

"Move." He ordered giving me a push and rolling his eyes.

The bag was quickly packed and I asked him to stop at a shop getting a few essentials I though he would need.

With his clothes in one hand and a bag of goodies and essential in the other we were set.

I looked forward to seeing him, to see if he was feeling any better and to see his face and not see it in any pain or panic.

"Bella." Alice jumped at me giving me a tight hug and then moving on to Jasper as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I'm just nipping down to get some breakfast, Em and Rose are already down. Do you two want to come?"

I paused, hesitant to go, I just want to go and see Edward to settle my head and the gnawing feeling in my gut.

"I'll come down, Bella can you give the stuff to Edward?" Japer gave me a knowing look; he knew that's all I really wanted.

"You brought stuff?" Alice asked confused.

"Yeh, Bella thought it would be a good idea if we brought some of his clothes from his room and a few extra things he might need."

She smiled at me. "Thanks, we had just been talking about that. Rose was going to go shopping but that saves her the bother." She looked up to Jasper. "Ok, let's get breakfast."

I was slightly envious of Jasper for that, I had only been running on a cereal bar all morning but my gut would only take real food once my mind was settled.

I walked up to Edwards's room that I had left him in last night noticing Carlisle dressed down talking to another doctor. I gave three taps before walking in.

"Bella." Esme greeted me as I walked in getting up to hug me.

"Hi." I let out a little nervously looking up at Edward who gave me a brief glance as Esme sat back down.

He didn't look back at me; in fact he looked everywhere, except me.

He was looking better though so my gut relaxed in the knowledge.

"I thought you might need some stuff so we packed a bag and got a few things you might need." I held up the two bags as my evidence.

"Aww, honey, thank you. We were just making a list." she smiled before squeezing Edwards's hand.

His eyes never looked back at me with his body becoming more agitated.

"Are you ok?" Esme leaned in closer to her son sorting a pillow behind him.

"Can…Can you get her out of here"

She gave a smile telling me to stay as my heart dropped.

"Edward, she came to visit you and she brought you, your things."

He shook his head firmly "No, get her out." He told the floor.

"Edward…" she tried to reason.

"I said get her out!" he yelled, giving me a fright, I jumped back slightly.

My eyes watered over feeling rejected.

"Bella, maybe come back in a little while. He's just a little tired."

I knew he would be but this wasn't the cause for his out burst, this was because he had some unknown problem with me. Carlisle was right, he wasn't the same boy whose cheek I sat and stroked until he fell asleep the night before, this was the real Edward Cullen.

I gave a silent nod and ran out of the room heading for the bathroom almost running into Carlisle in the process.

After I calmed myself down and shed a few tears in shock I headed out back to the waiting room, waiting. We had brought Jaspers car and right now there was no way of me getting back to my room without him

Not long had passed before the four came back from the canteen full of cheerful chat.

"Bella?" Emmett called "Had enough of my brother already." He joked, not realizing it was Edward who had enough of me. I gave a tight smile as Rose said a quick hi with the two of them continuing walking down the corridor as Jasper and Alice stopped.

"Hey, can I get a ride home?" I asked Jasper nonchalant.

"Already?" he asked surprised "I thought you would want to hang around a bit?" he eyed me sceptically, knowing full well how I was feeing about Edward.

"You can't go yet, come on." Alice pulled at my hand trying to tug me out my seat.

I gave a false smile trying to shake her off "Come on." She gave again tugging hard at my arm. For a tiny girl she did have some strength in her.

She knew something was wrong when my backside lifted out the chair and I tugged back down into it holding onto the arm.

"What's going on here?" she raised her left eyebrow at me.

"Nothing, I just have something's to do, we did just register at college."

"Bella…?" she knew there was more, of course she did. She always seemed to know these things.

"Edward doesn't want to see me."

"What?" her brows furrowing forward along with Jaspers. "But you saved his life; he can't just not want to see you."

"Alice, he's tired, it's been tough on him…it's fine." I lied giving a shrug feeling deflated.

"No it bloody well isn't. Someone does that, you don't just tell them to go away. You kiss there ass for the rest of your days grateful that they helped you out."

"He just needs some time." Reason –I try it.

I stood up picking up my jacket with the intentions of heading for home.

Alice had different intentions.

She pulled at my hand dragging me forward. "You and Jasper will come in and join us because you are friends." I tug back halting her.

"No." I give firmly. "You didn't see him, he doesn't need the stress."

"Screw that, he's in a hospital."

"Alice…" I try to fight but it's too late, before I know it I'm being pulled into the room with Esme looking worried and Emmett and Rose looking lost.

"Edward, why don't you want to see Bella, she did just save your miserable ass." Her tone was icy and it scared me a little.

"What's going on here?" Emmett asked looking between the two of us.

"Bella…" Esme began.

"I know, I'm sorry, I tried to go home." I apologized to her.

Carlisle walked up behind me "What's going on here?" his words matching Emmett's.

"That's what I want to know." Alice said "Edward? You have been nothing but nasty to her since the moment you met her. Now your acting like this after all she did for you." His face cringed slightly at that one.

"I think we should leave this until he's feeling up to it." Esme defended him.

"No, I think Alice is right, we need to talk about your behaviour, son."

"Carlisle…" Edward whispered out. His tone pleading to be left alone.

"Edward it's not going to be ignored this time, not only are you horrible to everyone you meet, you're putting yourself in danger with you actions." Carlisle seemed that he had had enough with Edward also.

"I think I should go…" I tried to get away after a few moment of silence. This wasn't my place.

"Bella, you're not leaving, not until he says sorry." Alice looked broken, the boy she looked out for was deviating her right now.

I swallowed hard looking at Edward as he glanced away from me.

"You know what, why don't we give him a chance to talk about it with her in private and then we can talk about the rest of it when he's up for taking us all on." Emmett suggested.

"Carlisle?" Esme, questioned.

"Edward?" Carlisle looked as his son. Edward let out a sigh before giving a small nod

"We'll give you some time." Carlisle agreed as the rest of them got up to leave.

I stood for a moment before I took a couple more steps into the room. I don't know if I should start or not.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I have done something to upset you. Tell me what and I'll try to make it up to you." I nervously ran a hand through my hair before looking down at my hands picking at a nail.

He lay there trying to pull himself away form me by looking at the ticking clock on the wall.

I moved in further resting my hands at the bottom of his bed before giving a nervous scratch at the back of my neck turning my eye's to the clock also.

"You know this might go a lot easier if you talked," I let out flatly. "But I suppose you don't really want to talk to me." I finished.

He let out another sigh before pulling hair out of his eyes. "It's not that." he whispered as my eyes snapped in his direction.

He was silent again "Edward?" I looked at him wondering if he was going to finish off.

"They told me."

"Told you what?" I asked confused.

"What happened."

"And?" still confused.

"I had a fit." He got out from between clenched teeth.

"So…" unsure of what the problem was.

He licked his lips, "I had a fit."

"Edward, I really don't know what the problem is, ok maybe you were scared but so was I."

"You were scared?" he looked at me questing me.

"I didn't know what was happening to you."

"Uugh, I had a fit." He let out firmly reminding me.

"I know, I was there." My tone matching his.

I didn't know what he was getting at, he was confusing he hell out of me, why couldn't he just get it out already, it was just going to take longer for us to fight it out like this.

"What is your problem?" I raised my voice getting annoyed.

"For Christ sake, I pissed myself." He spat while looking at me in the eye before he broke away his look squeezing the bridge of his nose trying to release the pent up stress.

So that was why I was kicked out. I understood now that he didn't want to see me, he was embarrassed. Though honestly, he had no reason to feel like that. It was the least of my worries at the time.

"Is that what this is about?" I made my way to the side of his bed pulling his hand away from his face, his eyes trying to avoid mine "You think I care about that?"

"It doesn't normally happen to people like me."

"People like you?" I question

"People."

"Edward…I don't care, I wont tell anyone and I'll never mention it again."

"That's what you say."

"This isn't high school, grow up."

"Me, grow up? This coming fro the girl that tried to block me from getting through a door."

"I was only trying to get to know you, don't be such a dick, Edward."

"This is why I don't talk to anyone."

"So you can be a loner all your days." You could see him flinch, it struck a cord and I was happy something did.

"Piss off, leave me alone."

"I tried to make conversation, call the police, ok maybe when you tried to say you were sorry I was a bit mean but when I tried to apologies you were a total ass"

I was fizzing with anger, I don't know how this all got so confusing about _not_ talking. It was ridiculous.

"I was the ass?"

"Yeh, and you still are, you can't even have me in the same room, never mind thank me for saving your sorry ass."

"Thank you for coming into my room and delving into my private business."

"Stop. It."

"Stop what?" he asked totally not getting any of this.

"Your crappy self protection, you know people can just talk and still live, it's not going to kill you. I helped you when you needed it, what bad do you think will come of this?"

"You laughing at me." he said it, he never meant to, I could tell the way his mouth clamped down after it slipped out but he did say it.

"Edward I'm not laughing at you. I was worried about you." I let my hand brush against his cheek but you think it had the volts of an electric fence running through it the way he snapped his head away.

I grabbed hold of his chin, making him look at me "I'm not here to cause you any bother. Alice is my friend; we should at least be nice to one another for her, least when she's around." He gave a small nod "God and here was I up all night worried that something was going to happen to you, your giving me hell but a totally different hell from yesterday." I gave a tight smiled trying to ease the tension.

"I'm sorry, I am. It's just not, normal." He shrugged "I just didn't want it to be following me around for the rest of college.

"It wont." I promised him with a small reassuring smile, a silent moment passing between us.

"I remember your voice." I looked at him confused. "It must have been after it, you kept talking to me. I can't really remember what you said but I remember hearing you and you kissed my hand." He gave a smile at me. A small barrier coming down. "I felt it."

"Do you remember last night? When you were talking to me?" I was hopeful that he still had that memory somewhere but he shook his head looking confused.

"What did I say?"

"Not a lot, just thank you and you worried a little, you had seen I still had a little sick on me."

His eyes screwed shut with a small apologetic smile "The throwing up part I remember, sorry."

I let out a little laugh, "It's only a little bit sick, I have a feeling I'll get Alice doing it to me sometime soon the way she knocks back the tequila."

"Anything else from last night?"

I shook my head "No, that was it." I couldn't tell him about how I stroked his cheek or played with his hair, I sure as hell couldn't tell him about the small kiss I gave him to try and calm him. I was too worried about his reaction. "You were tired and fell asleep." I smiled down at him. "So, friends?" I ask.

He shook his head. "Sorry, but you can find better friends than me, we can be pleasant enough in passing but I don't want to mess you around with my attitude, you helped me, you don't need to put up with my crap to."

I was a little hurt buy this. I knew that he would try to be nice to me but that was only when Alice was going to be around. He didn't want to keep the act up when he didn't have to.

_I understood _

This is who he was.

_He couldn't change. _

_He was never going to be that boy from last night again._

* * *

I understood it.

I did. Really, I did.

It didn't mean that I had to like it. In the few times when I had seen Edward with his shield down, he seemed like a good person but it was Carlisle that told me he would fight against. I was sad really; he kept himself pulled back from everyone that loved him and any one that wanted to get to know him so they wouldn't have to put up with any of the bad when it came.

After our little talk on the Monday I left him, he and his family needed to work things out. He wasn't getting away with it by them anymore. Alice stood firm on this one as I felt her.

Jasper drove me back where I drew the curtains and crawled into bed trying to catch up on the sleep I missed. Jazz had offered to stay with me if I wanted but he needed the sleep, and his own bed, just as much as I did.

I pulled at my jeans and socks climbing into bed with just my t-shirt on. I was too tired to care right now.

I woke up about four hours later when Jake called me. It was exactly what I needed. He had seemed to slip out my mind a little the past couple of days with all that had happened but as soon as I heard that worried 'Hey.' I felt a flood of emotion needing him.

We talked a lot, I told him about everything that happened and he worried. I told him not to. His tone only made me miss him more and all I wanted was him to hold me, for him to need me like I needed him.

The next day I made my first class and I did love it but it was just too much to deal with, my body clock was still all over the place with my funny sleeping hours. I made it in to see Edward and he gave a small nod, everyone watchful of his reaction towards me. We never spoke to one another directly.

The Wednesday was more of the same but class was worse, I was still struggling to sleep, Edwards face full of pain haunting me. I knew he was ok but I still struggled. Seeing him out of bed and stretched out on a big chair definitely made me happy.

Thursday I woke up with only a couple of hours sleep and I knew that I would never be able to concentrate in class. So I did what I needed to do, I packed a bag and headed back home for a long weekend, seeing exactly who I needed to see, Jake.

* * *

It was sometime around the back of midday, I was sat in my truck looking to the tail of traffic in front of me. There had been some accident not much further up the road from the Forks turn off so I was waiting – pretty impatiently - for it to clear.

I turned on the radio; my head didn't have too much driving to concentrate on right now so I turned up the volume trying to block the rambling thoughts in my head.

Edward

Edward

Edward

It was all I could think about. I didn't know if it was with everything else happening, moving to Seattle and what not, that it just seemed to rattle in my head at not having much else to do.

I had hoped that I would be concentrating on some study right now but I had only made it to two of my classes and they hadn't given us anything but more book recommendations.

I let my hand root along the floor for the pile of information I had gotten from the college. My hand brushed along knocking an empty coke can – gross – some balled up tissue – grosser. My fingers swept along feeling the pages of paper below my tips. I pulled at the paper only to find the book I had checked out of the library on Saturday, Vanity Fair.

I hadn't actually managed to start reading it since I got it but I guessed in my annoyance on Saturday I had thrown it to the floor before driving back to the dorm. I hadn't been back in my truck since.

I snapped my head back up at the sound of a horn from behind me seeing that the traffic was slow, but now free flowing.

I picked up speed taking my turn off for Fork's and relaxing knowing that I would be home in about thirty minutes.

Unlocking the front door I head straight to my room feeling exhausted, it was almost one and with Charlie not expecting me he wont be back home until some time after six no doubt, if even that early. Pulling out my phone I call Jake. He's on lunch at school but still tells me he's on his way, taking the rest of the day off to come and a see me. After talking to him I let my heavy lids fall and I'm out like a light.

* * *

I woke up with a fright from Jake kissing my lips, pulling me into him with him lying stretched out beside me on my bed.

"Hey." his beautiful white smile brightening my day. "You look just like this hot chick that used to live here."

I let out a little laugh finally relaxing and feeling like I'm home. "Oh yeh, did you break into her bedroom too?"

"Only when she asked nicely. She would always be begging me to come sneaking in, in the middle of the night."

"That sounds rather…impure."

"There was nothing pure about the things I could do to her." His lips crashing into mine in a heated kiss before pulling me further into him.

"Show me." I whispered into his ear.

He let out a low grow rolling on top of me, pushing me further into the mattress with his heated lips becoming almost crazed.

He pulled back from me sitting on his heels with me below him, him straddling me. "We shouldn't be doing this."

Suddenly he's all shy? I looked at him knowing I needed it. "Why?"

"Charlie doesn't know your home, what if he sees the truck and comes rushing in catching us."

"Jake, relax we can lock the door, besides I think Charlie knows were a little beyond hand holding." I pull at his strong muscular arm trying to get him to come to me. "Your car is out side, he won't just come crashing through my door." I try to settle him.

He looked at me slightly apprehensive. He knows Charlie loves him as if he was the son he never had. Charlie had only ever been over the moon about our relationship. Well except the one time he found out Jake had taught me how to ride a motorcycle. He almost never lived through that one.

Honestly, if Charlie was to drive past right now and see both our cars he would drive on giving us time to ourselves because the one thing Charlie was sure of, we would always need each other.

He did worry we would rush too young and want to marry. I always knew he had the fear of seeing either me or Jake in the pain he felt when him and my mum split. They were first love but first love doesn't always last. Charlie relaxed with the knowledge of my reservations on getting married young anyway. I had seen all of Charlie pain every time he saw my mum.

"Please." I pouted at him. My mind focusing on the sensation of our body's colliding. "I need it?" I silently begged with my eyes knowing this is what I needed; I needed it to sweep my mind away from the past six day. To make me forget about it all and pretend for just a little while I had never left Forks.

"Need it?" he looked at me accusingly as if I had offended him.

"I need you." I corrected as I pulled on his hand, his body giving in covering mine and our lips meeting.

* * *

_**A/N: Ok so this is where real life sucks, I have things to do so this will be my last up date for a good few days. Sorry. I have work and friends that I havent seen in a long time - but chapter 7 has been started so i have at least done something - I think also I may have a little wk away to get caught up with my other stories again once I have posted the next chapter. **_

_**But DO NOT worry - I dont leave jobs half done!! anything of concern I would leave as a post as a A/N. I do not plan to leave you high and dry - There is nothing that bugs me more than half finished stories!! This was the story I had always wanted to do for twilight so I look forward to continuing it.**_

_**So yeh one more thing before I leave you for a while - I want to do another EPOV - now I want to know what you want me to do - the library scene or the scene in the hospital when him and Bell sort of argued in this chapter - let me know please. **_

_**Ohh another thing - Yes i know I'm annoying as hell but I have a community now for Edward/Bella stories - they are the best of my faves, the crem de la crem of written perfection so give them a go while I'm off gallovanting!!**_

**_As always - please let me know what you think and if you have any qestions or thoughts - do not hesitate to get in touch!!_**

**_xx_**


	7. Chapter 7

**_A/N: First of all to the ppl that reviewd and are lookinf for EPOV - It has been done but its pretty big so I'm trying to post it seperetly - but my computer hates me and all the twi clips I have on my computer and isnt allowing me to load a 'new story' thing on this. It keeps crashing the net. Ahhhhh. I will fight to get it up. and let you know of not I'll just do what i said and mail you it but it is like about 6 pages! _**

**_More info after the chapter!! Enjoy!!! _**

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Chapter 7

Jakes arms gripped around my waist holding me into him with his chest against my back, radiating the heat of his sculpted abdomen. We had the covers slung low at our waists and for the first time in days I felt…normal.

He leaned in kissing my ear as one of his hands reached to mine, entwining our fingers together. "This has killed me and it hasn't even been a week. I think your right. I'll leave school."

I let out a little laugh because I knew he was joking. He was serious in his words but I knew that he would never do it, nor would I want him to.

"I say we lock the door and never leave." Letting go of his hand and turning to face him, resting my hand in his hair.

"Now that's a plan." He kissed my lips before looking into my eyes serious for a moment. "You know, if you did ask me, I'd come to Seattle like you asked me at the bus station. I would do it if you needed me."

"I love you," I pecked his lips. "But if you get any crazy ideas to screw up our happy little future, I'll kick you ass." I joked as he pulled me closer to him.

It was the plan, our future; we would stick out all the madness of not getting to see one another for the next year because our future was already set. After that it was the fight with our careers and then wedded bliss – though I still struggle with that thought – and someday our own little Black/Swan family.

I let him pull me into him again, his beautiful tanned torso against my pale chest. He always looks so much prettier than me. It always made me laugh.

Jakes tone was still serous. "I know, but there are other options you know. It's been a hard week and you seemed to be so busy this week and you didn't even go to class."

"I know but I just had to make sure he was ok, you know? It was just to settle my mind." His tone was still questionable of Edward. I didn't dare to explain the how or whys of anything Edward. That was something between Edward and I. But in his tone I could hear a slight strangle of jealousy that I had been seeing another guy even if it was only platonic.

Jake thought I had been at the hospital more than I actually had; the truth was I just needed a little time to myself. I loved talking to Jake but it was me just being me and needing space.

"Yeh well least he's fine and you don't need to bother with him anymore." Jake finished finitely. I gave him it; he didn't want to think of me and Edward becoming friends after our introduction.

"Why are we even talking about this, I came here to see you." I let my smile widen at his beautiful eyes come to life when I spoke about us.

"I'm so glad you did. No doubt I'll have detention on Monday but they can have me, cause then, I won't have anyone to distract me." he kissed my nose.

I wiggled my body close into him loving the feeling of him wrap his legs around my ankles. "Play with me?" I asked him with my eyes peering up through my lashes.

He placed a hungry kiss on my cheek making me squeal with laughter.

* * *

We lay in a sweaty daze wrapped up in one another once again as my phone went off.

I squirmed over Jake trying to reach my bag as he held on to me jokingly trying to stop me.

"Quit it." I slapped his hands back.

"And I thought you had came to spend time with me." he slapped my back side playfully

"Alice." I called into my phone.

"_What happed to you? Jasper told me you went home?"_ Her worried voice on the other end.

"Yeh, sorry I never said to you. I just needed to get away for a bit." Jakes hand running up my arm.

"_Are you ok?" _

"Yeh, I'm fine, just needed a bit of home time, you know."

"_Yeh. It will be good for you_." She could sense that I had an uneasy time of sleep this past week.

"How is Edward, are they letting him out tomorrow?"

"_He's fine. The usual, it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes. They said since dad would be home he could get out today. He should be out in a couple of hours once they finish with the meds."_ You could hear her relax at the though of him going home and it was what I needed for me to put the week behind me and enjoy my time with Jake and Charlie.

"That's good. Tell him I was asking for him and say hi to the rest of them for me to."

"_When do you get back?" _

"I'll be back to the dorm sometime Sunday lunchtime. I need to try and get things sorted. It just slid down by the waist this week."

"_Ok, I'll see you then, I'll be in when you get back."_ I was happy with that. I could have the Sunday night nerves that I was supposed to have. We were both still pretty much in the same boat.

"Bye Alice."

"Did they think you did a Houdini on them?" Jake asked with a small laugh.

"Just a little. I'm pretty sure she was worried I wasn't coming back." I let out a little smile at the thought. "So do you want to stay for dinner?" I kissed his lips.

"Is it you or Charlie cooking?"

"Me" I roll my eyes as if there is any other way.

"Then how can I refuse."

* * *

Jake helped me cook, well when I say help I mean reach up to the high shelves and that's about it. There is only one other person that can cook worse than Charlie, and that's Jake. I don't even let him help beyond him getting me the ingredients because there is just no help for him, he would always be a terrible cook.

So he helped by getting the ingredients from the high shelves and we just talked as he wrapped his arms around me.

"So, do you think Billy will go mad at you for breaking out of school early?"

"No I think he will be fine about it since it was to see you. I think he's just happy that I haven't already left and drove down to Seattle."

"Does he think I'm trying to corrupt you into joining me?" I give him a small smile.

"No it's, it's just been harder than I thought it would be." He gives out honestly in a small voice. That voice always worries me. "He keeps telling me to use it to get my head into my books so I have a better chance when I finish shcool."

I put down the knife on the counter and turn to face him wrapping my arms around his neck. "You know it's not always going to be as hard. Give it a couple of weeks and you'll be happy for the peace and hanging out with the guys in the garage.

"Do you believe that?" he asked sceptically

"No." I give out meekly. "But if I keep thinking it I hope I will." He shook his head with a small laugh. "I hope that I get enough work to do that I am too distracted to notice."

"Your mad." He tells me.

"Mad for you." I cup his cheek rubbing my thumb along his face.

I have a flash of doing it to Edward in the hospital and it knocks me for six. I don't know why but it just felt wrong. I had used it to calm Edward and now I used it on Jake feeling intimate.

I had done it to Jake many a time before. But after doing to it to another man I felt like I had violated it. I turned back to the knife cutting at the chicken feeling his arms wrap around me tight once again hoping he had never sensed my uneasiness.

It was ridiculous I knew it. It was just a little gesture but it felt like it was ruined. Perhaps it was still just all too fresh in my mind. I would never dare tell Jake what happened that night in the hospital. He wouldn't like it. It would just up set him.

He kissed at my shoulder and pulled away to sit at the table as we hear the front door open.

"Bella?" Charlie called from the front door.

"In here dad." I called back as he joined us. "Dinner isn't ready yet. I didn't expect you back so early.

"I didn't expect you back." He walked up giving me a small one armed hug with a peck on the cheek. "Jake." Jake gave him a nod.

"Yeh well, you know, I just needed to come home." I shrugged.

"Bella?" He called, his voice full of concern

I turned to him placing down the knife as I knew he needed more. He was worried why I was back and if I would go back.

"I just need to get something out the car." Jake shifted uneasily out the kitchen knowing it would be best if he gave us a moment.

Charlie sat down on the seat as I nervously played with my fingers and took a seat.

"So you going to tell me why your back?" He looked at me worried. "You worried about college?"

I shook my head. "No it's not that, I haven't actually really been there." I shrugged again. Charlie looked at me worried about to speak. "No I like it but just after Sunday a just felt a little out of synch. I just needed to come home and see you both and relax. I'm leaving here Sunday morning so I'm organise for Monday"

You could see the look in his eyes he was still worried. "So it's not because you're missing Jake?" he looked slightly confused.

"I do miss Jake, but don't worry I've not quit college to come back home." I let a light laugh out at the thought. "I'm just here to…see my family after a long week."

Charlie nodded; he understood "So, this boy, he gave you a bit of a fright?"

I smiled at him "You have no idea. But he will be back home now so he is fine. It just wasn't something I expected."

"But you did good, helping him out like that." his hand reaching my shoulder giving a reassuring smile.

"But I came home to see you too and make sure that you are well fed. I bet you have been down at that dinner every night since I have left." I changed the subject.

He looked guilty

"Dad." I scald him. "We'll don't worry, I have plenty of vegetables for you tonight." He scrunched up his nose "You do know you are like a child sometimes."

"Be nice. So you got anything planned for when your home?"

I stood up getting back to the diner as the atmosphere relaxed. "Not yet. I think I'll just lay low, do you have any plans?"

"Fishing, but I'll cancel Billy now you're here."

"No don't do that. We can spend time together before you go don't blow off Billy. I know what you two are like. Go have fun like the kid I know you are." I laughed at him as he seemed to agree.

"Jake." I called, hearing him come back in a few moments ago but still giving us space.

"Yeh." Walking back through to the kitchen.

"Could you do me a big favour?" I gave him the biggest smile I could, luring him closer to me.

"Anything for you?" his lips grazing my cheek, Charlie coughed reminding us he was still here.

"Can you set the table?" His face fell then his eyes rolled before muttering a 'fine'. Charlie just looked at me in amusement knowing I could twist him around my little finger.

* * *

After diner Jake never stayed long. He knew that Charlie would want some time with me before he left for the fishing and that once Charlie was gone that he'd have me all to him self practically.

I looked at the television screen trying to take in the football game but football had never been my thing. He would be better with Jakes company after all. So I Just sat there not really taking in what was on the screen.

"Now that was a save." I heard Charlie's tone, happy and excited.

"Hmmm." I gave not really knowing what he was taking about or the fact that I hadn't even actually seen the 'save'.

"You're pretty quiet there? How you holding up?" He asked concerned.

"I'm fine. Just a little tired. It was a long drive." And along with almost no sleep last night. I'm exhausted.

"You should go to bed, catch up on sleep. We can get a DVD or something for tomorrow night."

"Yeh, ok. I'll see you in the morning Dad."

"Night Bella." He called to me as I headed for the stairs.

I made my way to my room and began getting ready for bed. I had left my phone on my bed and looked down to check it. It had a text from Jake.

"_Just let me know if you need me to come over. I love you. x"_

I send a reply back letting him know I was shattered and that I would see him the next day. I really only did need my bed right then. I was so done in from lack of sleep.

I got into bed shut my eyes and that was me – I was out like a light.

* * *

I woke up, looking out the window to see the day bright, too bright for the end of September in Forks in the morning. I turned to my clock. I was the back of twelve. I had slept for over fourteen hours. I could believe it.

I picked up my phone with the intent to call Charlie and ask why he hadn't said goodbye this morning instead of leaving me sleep in.

Looking at the phone I had three text messages. One from Jake, obviously, one from Rosalie and one from Jasper. It was nice to hear from Rose and Japer. They both asked me if I was ok and that they hoped to see me on Sunday. It gave me a warm feeling that they were concerned about me when I went home. I texted them both back letting them know I was fine and that I would see them when I got back.

Jakes text was saying that he was back at school, that Billy had made him go but he would see me as soon as it was over.

I still had another four hours until he would be her so I set about giving the house a clean and doing the washing I brought with me. We had washing machines in the dorm but I may as well do it here. I brought it because I knew at some point I would have nothing to do.

With the house cleaned and washing, washed, I sorted through the few of my remaining belongings picking out a few things I would now have space for in my truck on the way back.

I heard the floor creek behind me and I knew it was Jake as he pulled me into him from behind, wrapping his arms around me tight and kissing my ear.

"Someone looks like that have been a busy bee." He commented as he dug around a box full of things I had planned to take back with me to Seattle.

"We'll I thought I might as well try and take more of my things down." I slapped his hand out before he had the whole lot out of the box and all over my bed.

As I tucked in more things the pulled the box from below my hands placing it on the floor as I turned to look at him

"Later." He told me as he pulled me closer kissing me deeply and falling on top of me on the bed. He used his arms to hold himself up, so not to squash me completely, not that I would have complained.

I felt his fingers roam the piece of skin between my jeans and my shirt. His warm hands caressing my sides before they made there way slowly up my stomach, reaching higher.

"So is this what you have planned for me all weekend?" I ask with a knowing grin.

"You bet your ass; well I suppose I could let you out the house for a little." His nose pressing up the side of my face as he kisses the side of my mouth.

I let my hands wonder below the surface of his shirt pulling it up his back. He sits up and lifts it up over his head revealing his muscular chest that makes me weak at the knees. I let my hand roam across it, feeling the definition.

His fingers struggles, but manages my buttons on my shirt as he opens it up exposing me in my bra. "You're gorgeous, anyone ever tell you that?" he whispered into my ear.

I feel his hand on my bra covered chest and his warm fingers slowly trail down reaching for the button of my jeans as I reach for his belt.

* * *

It was Friday evening as me and Charlie sat in front of the television with the DVD he picked for us. I had been watching it with some interest but like last week, I had the excitement building up inside of me for starting school. I know it was stupid, considering I had actually already started but it felt like a false start and that this week was going to be it fitting into place. Not just for me but for the rest of us as well.

Come Sunday I would be sitting in my room getting organised with Alice for our first real day there. Thinking about it right now I feel the excitement of starting but without the nervousness of being worried who my roommate would be and I had already made some friends. This week was going to be a lot better than the last. I knew it would.

"You ok there kiddo?" Charlie brought me back to the real world as I focused on the TV screen before him

"Yeh, I was just thinking that it will be like starting college again this week without any of the bad bits."

"What like having to give first aid?" he let out a small amused laugh.

I gave a little laugh back "No, I was thinking that I already get on well with my roommate and also that I have made friends too. I don't have to worry about that bit."

"I suppose you don't. I'm sure this week you will fit right in, especially since you have those other kids to hang around with. Jake said that Alice's older brother and girlfriend were really nice."

"Yeh, there all really good people, Edward's roommate Jasper is also great, he was really good this week." I think back to Jasper and without him I don't know how I would have got through the rest of the week, without him staying up and listening to me I would have gone insane.

"Yeh, by the sounds of it that Japer will have a lot to deal with, with Edward." He told me, confusing me.

"How do you mean dad?" I asked curiously.

"Well just what Jake said about the kid, that he's a bit…obnoxious?" He shrugged. "He said he had an attitude problem and was worried if you were going to have to put up with him if you became friendly with Alice."

I couldn't believe that Jake would come back and tell Charlie that. Why would he say that about anyone? "Jake doesn't even know him. I can't believe he would say that about someone after two minutes." I defended.

I defended.

Yeh I had defended Edward. Ok so we might not be friends with his say so but it wasn't for Jake to go around talking about him like that when he knows nothing about him. I didn't want him talking like that when even I didn't know what was with Edward.

"Ok no need to get ratty. I was just saying that he would be hard to put up with." Charlie defended himself.

That was the conversation over.

* * *

I lay out on my bed waiting for Jake. I knew he would be here soon as Billy had not long picked up Charlie to go fishing. Sitting up I finished readying myself as I heard him call for me from the bottom of the stairs letting me know he was here as he made his way up to my bedroom.

"Hey." He kissed me on the lips, his hand pulling me into him, holding onto my neck.

"Hey." I breathed out trying to catch my breath back.

"How are you today?" he asked as he threw himself out on my just made bed.

"Fine, you?" I asked sitting beside him, crawling into his corner as he wrapped his arms around me pulling me down with him in to the bed.

"All the better for seeing you but hell this is our last night." His tone was sad.

I reached up kissing his lips enjoying what I could.

"Did you speak to Charlie about Edward…you know about what he was like." I don't know why I asked it. I just hade to know why he would tell Charlie

"Yeh how." She shrugged.

"Why, why did you have to tell him that?" I asked feeling annoyed he told him what happened.

"He asked me what they were like, he was worried about you."

"So you told Charlie all about him. What was that going to do?"

"He was an ass. I just told him because he asked Bella." I felt my self get angry at that.

"It wasn't your place, you know nothing about him." I sat up looking at him

"And you do?"

"Not really but you shouldn't have spoken about him." Perhaps Edward was right to keep everyone away at arms length if no one was going to give you a second chance, to Jake he had been written off as the ass he thought he was."

"What does it matter what I said to Charlie, the guy is a dick." Jake's voice rose as mines did as he sat up too.

"You don't know anything about him. You don't get to talk about people like that." I was firm, loud and had well passed the mark of conversation, this was an argument.

"Bella I don't know why you're defending him, I'm guessing because you helped him. But even though you helped him it doesn't change the fact that he's a total ass hole. He should have –"

I cut him off standing up. "I know he should have been nicer but that's just him ok. You don't even know anything about him. You, you just go running off to Charlie telling him that you're worried because I'm friendly with his sister."

"Yeh, why should you have to put up with him?" That was me, I was pissed. He felt like people had to just put up with him. That's how Edward must think people feel. Jake is standing here proving Edward right and it was so wrong.

"I don't put up with him; he could have been a friend. Why do you have to see the bad in people? Did you ever think starting college was hard for him?"

"Come on Bella, it's not hard to be nice, to say hello. He was just looking for attention; he's just an obnoxious prick."

"Don't say that Jacob. Leave him alone."

"Why are we even arguing about this guy? I don't like him. End of." He stood up looking down on me. I hated the way he was looking at me, he knew it too. I had some how crossed the line and now was coming the fall out. "I'm out of here, I really don't want to talk about this any more." He turned for my door going through it and slamming it closed behind him. I heard the front door close also before I heard the rabbit start up and drive away.

What have I done? I caused a stupid row over someone that doesn't even want to be my friend. I wouldn't be surprised if Edward thought I had the same opinion as Jake and that why he didn't want to be friends, he probably thought I was just saying it to make life easier for Alice.

Though I can't believe that Jake would be so horrible about some one he doesn't know. Edward has done nothing to him. Ok I suppose I could understand Jake, Edward ignored us and that's all Jake seen of him, how he was to Alice. But even she said it was a condition. Jake just can't score him off and not like him for that. He can't.

I sat there for two hours thinking over our argument. I really didn't know who was wrong on this one. Jake doesn't have the information like I do, he never spoke to Carlisle. I know Edward wants to keep a distance because that's who he is but I will see him around with Alice. It just seems to me that Edward is part of the Alice package. That's fine with me as long as we can be nice enough to one another.

Jake just doesn't understand, maybe I should tell him, but I really don't know anything. It was all just part of his 'condition'. I could tell Jake what I know about it but it's unfair to Edward. He's made his decision of who he is and what's known. Perhaps it's a little hypocritical of me to be as harsh to Jake for not liking someone when Edward doesn't want to be friends because of what I'll think of him, when her starts his supposed 'crap'.

I look out at the wet miserable Forks day and feel a shiver. No Jake to wrap his arms around me and warm me up. I'm wrong, I know I am. Jake is allowed his own opinion of who ever he wants. I just doesn't seem fair to make it when he doesn't know the facts. I don't want to go back to Seattle not working this out. I couldn't do it. I don't even know when I'll see him next and were arguing. We promised we wouldn't let this year get in between us. And I don't plan on letting it.

* * *

I rattle my fist off the front door and stand and waiting for it to open. No answer. His car is sitting outside the garage so he must be around so I try seeing if he's working on what ever project he's working on this week and head for the garage.

He's not to be seen anywhere. I see the motorbikes sitting out, well mine at least. He must have gone out on it on his own. I pull at mine and fight to get it through the garage. Jake usually does this for me not wanting me to hurt myself. Tough if I do.

I swing my leg over and start it easing the accelerator before taking off into the direction that I know he would have headed. The tyres roll through the damp mud and grass sliding slightly below me but I manage to hold it steady as I pick up speed. Before I know it I see Jake in the distance, standing over his motorbike with his arms crossed and his face like thunder. He's not cooled down much I'm guessing.

I pull up to him slowing down and pulling the front tyre to my right so not to run in to him. As I do this the wheel slides below the wet dirt and grass making me slide and fall on to my side on the bike.

"Bella." Jakes worried voice calls as he jumps to help me. "Are you ok"

"Still talking to me then?" I ask with a small dig wiping my hands as he pulls at the bike.

"I'll always talk to you." His tone was flat.

"That's why you went slamming out my bedroom door." I looked at him as I found my feet as he sat up the motorbike.

"Did you come here for a reason or just to argue some more?" he turns his back to me paying some kinda fake attention to his bike.

"Jake, don't turn around, I came her to apologise ok. I was wrong. I shouldn't have said what I said. I just think that you don't really know him to judge him."

"Yeh I don't know him and neither do you so stop defending him, you helped him like you would a stranger in the street. End of."

"I know him, i…I…It doesn't matter ok. Can we please just not argue because I love you and I don't want to be wasting time apart when we get to be together." I reach to him and wrap my arms around his waist feeling his warm heat – any shiver long gone now.

"Do you love me?" He asks

"Of course I do, you know I do." How could he ever question me.

A smug smile spreading across his lips. "Prove it."

I reach up kissing him letting my hands wander up to his neck before I let my fingers run through his raven hair pulling him down to me.

He reaches down grabbing the backs of my thighs and lifting me up, making me wrap my legs around his waist. I must be getting dirt on him but it's the least of my worries as he holds me into him his tongue toying with mine.

Our passionate clinch gets more and more heated as we pull and grab each other wanting to be even closer to one another. He settles me down back on my feet, his warmth leaving me as I catch my breath.

"Let's get back to the house." The argument is over and forgotten. I give a small nod getting on the bike as I hear Jake staring his engine and speeding off in front of me.

No one is worth arguing with Jake. I refuse to waist any more of the little time I have with him as I get seated on my bike and start up the engine following Jakes retreating form back to home.

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**_A/N: _**

**_Second- I have made a trailer for this - the link to it is on my page - I'm impressed with how it turned out (thanks to christina) and it does contain some big spoilers to the story so be warned._**

**_Third - thank for all the reviews -I will try and get back to you but i have been busy and any time I had was on the vid or the story and the EPOV!! please keep them comming becuse it was them that made me continue with this chapter - it lackied some magic I think but I really think thats because there is no Edward in it._**

**_I will let you know if I get EPOV up if not I WILL send it out in a mail to everyone!_**

**_Please let me know what you think!!!! _**

**_xx_**


	8. EPOV: Hospital Scene

**_A/n: Ok ppl - I'm so sorry that I havent been able to post this out - Major issues with size -this is pretty big - its almost a normal chapter. My computer wouldnt let me create another 'book' without crashing so I have been trying to figure out what to do with it- It's slightly out of sync cos the last chapter showed Bella in forks and not the hosp. _**

**_But here it is EPOV - you dont need to read it if you dont want too. It's not needed for the story its just shows you edwards mind a little better. I think lol! I dont know if i'm gettin him over properly but I hope I am. Anyways - chapter 8 is on the way to the Beta's - Yes ppl I have a beta!!! _**

**_*Christina, Christina, my little Christina* - words to that effect (the sweetest thing lol), Christina will be helping me polish of my story a little better. So this is for her - it's completly unbeta'ed by the way incase you were worried lol._**

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**EPOV - Hospital Scene**

"Alice…" I heard Bella's voice cry out with almost fear in it. My pixie sister was dragging her through my room door. Alice was obviously aware of earlier on, I guess.

"Edward, why don't you want to see Bella, she did just save your miserable ass." Alice's tone with me was the one when she was thoroughly pissed off with me. To be honest it wasn't as if I didn't deserve it. I did just kick her new friend out my room. I'm a pathetic ass hole for trying to avoid her.

"What's going on here?" Emmett was just wondering what the hell was going on.

"Bella…" I heard my mum call out to Bella. I could tell by her tone all she was worried about was Bella upsetting me more. She had only just let it go about why I didn't want her in here in the first place.

"I know, I'm sorry, I tried to go home." She's apologizing for Alice Dragging her in here after I got rid of her. I should be apologising or the very least, Alice, for bringing her in her back in to face me again. She really can't be apologizing. Just let her go already, don't make me face her.

I see my dad coming in and know this is going to start off everything. I could see the look he gave me earlier. It was a warning that I'm running out of time for acting the selfish bastard I am. "What's going on here?" he asked.

"That's what I want to know." Alice jumped in of course. "Edward? You have been nothing but nasty to her since the moment you met her. Now your acting like this after all she did for you." I knew I had been horrible to her, first the toe incident then in the library. To be honest I couldn't be nice to her because _she_ was _too_ nice. I couldn't let her look at me with a smile and want to start conversation because I don't think I would ever want to stop.

"I think we should leave this until he's feeling up to it." I hear my mum trying to help me get out of it, letting my behaviour slid because that what she does, she try's to protect me, usually by giving Alice hell at the same time. It's not really fair to Alice; she trails behind me apologizing for me continusly. Though when it's bad I don't even feel myself really being bad. I know I'm doing it but it just doesn't seem to notice the effect until it's been said and done.

"No, I think Alice is right, we need to talk about your behaviour, son." Christ, I knew it. Time is up.

"Carlisle…" I really didn't want to do this not here not now. It was like an intervention. They were going to get me talk about what's going on in my head when in reality I don't know myself I have dug so deep into it I cant remember what way is the up anymore.

"Edward it's not going to be ignored this time, not only are you horrible to everyone you meet, you're putting yourself in danger with you actions." He was out for blood and worse of all he wanted to know why I had those drinks – three drinks that's all I had. Three tiny measures. I was use to the pain when it comes. I though it would just be like that. I knew I was lacking sleep and any food but I'm young I should get to do these things. I shouldn't have to worry if I don't get at least seven hours rest. I shouldn't have to worry that I got caught up reading that I forgot to eat. I'm a fucking college student and I can't lead the life.

I can't do all nighters, I cant go on with just eating any food or little of it. I definitely can't drink. I learned that one pretty damn quick.

"I think I should go…" She was leaving and I couldn't blame her for not wanting to be here anymore, not after she had gone to the bother of getting my clothes and me throwing it back in her face.

"Bella, you're not leaving, not until he says sorry." Alice looked at me, she looked so sad, I can believe I'm doing this to her again. I remember in the street when I was drunk, she was right, she has no one because of me. I push even her friends away. No one can put up with me or wants anything to do with me when they find out the truth or realize what I'm like.

I look into her beautiful brown eyes and force my look away.

"You know what, why don't we give him a chance to talk about it with her in private and then we can talk about the rest of it when he's up for taking us all on." God Emmett, why did you have to suggest that – I'm in a hospital bed, I can't escape.

My mum is worried about it when I hear her question my dad." Carlisle?"

"Edward?" Carlisle looked at me hoping for me to make a start at fixing this. I some how nod agreeing. The words wouldn't come out but something in me was pushing.

"We'll give you some time." Dad chased them away before I could argue.

She stood there looking at me and walked in a few steps. She looked nervous, most likely waiting for me to snap at her again. I suppose it worked her not wanting to be near me.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I have done something to upset you. Tell me what and I'll try to make it up to you." She wouldn't get it, she had don't nothing wrong it was me that should be making it up to her. Me and my state. She must have thought I was disgusting and some kind of freak.

I tried to pretend she wasn't there; I just kept looking at the clock hoping she would go away.

I could feel her touch the end of my bed, resting her hands on it. I was trying to focus on the clock but I could see her nervously twitch out my phoriphrial vision.

"You know this might go a lot easier if you talked," She sounded annoyed "But I suppose you don't really want to talk to me." A small sigh. Was this her giving in already?

"It's not that." I told her and with that I felt her eyes come landing right back on me.

"Edward?" She was questioning me, looking for more.

"They told me." I felt the shame fill through me.

"Told you what?" she sounded a little confused

"What happened." She must know what I'm talking about. Like she hasn't already told the rest of them. Probably kept conversation going between her and Jasper. A good laugh at my expense.

"And?" She was either clueless or she was trying to get me to say it.

"I had a fit." I gritted out. My jaw not even unclenching as I said the words.

"So…"

"I had a fit." The look of confusion written on her face.

"Edward, I really don't know what the problem is, ok maybe you were scared but so was I." Scared wasn't even the word to describe it. I thought the pain was going to kill me. I remembered the flood of relief flood through me as she came crashing through my room door.

"You were scared?" I asked, she had seemed so calm. Worried but still calm. I remember trying to focus on her thinking I was dying and she was some angel in disguise.

"I didn't know what was happening to you." Her eyes looked down to the bottom of my bed her tone was sad.

"Uugh, I had a fit." For some reason I snapped. I couldn't let her see me with my guard down. It would only be used at my expense. It's one of life's lessons.

"I know, I was there." She snapped back at me like I had done to her. She couldn't keep up the nice all the time. She was getting pissed. I just really wished she would leave. I didn't want to do this it was to hard and after everything that happened I was going to crumble.

"What is your problem?" She asked me accusingly. As if she couldn't see the reason I didn't want her here.

"For Christ sake, I pissed myself." It came rushing out my mouth before I had time to even try and stop it. I couldn't believe it. Then she gave this look of realization. Like it all made sense, like she had just found the answere to the meaning of life. Fuck.

"Is that what this is about?" Her voice was soft and sweet and full of concern. She rushed to my side pulling my hand away from my face. "You think I care about that?"

"It doesn't normally happen to people like me." I let out shamefully. And honestly it didn't. It must have been the alcohol that had caused it. I was to out of it when asleep and when it happened I hadn't been to the bathroom and well, shit, it just happened. And she had to be there for it.

"People like you?" she asked.

"People." I told her knowing I meant everyone, anyone. People not like me. People that didn't have this crap to deal with. People don't piss there selves just like that. It just me.

"Edward…I don't care, I wont tell anyone and I'll never mention it again." She seemed sincere in her words. But I knew she would have already told someone.

"That's what you say." She may be beautiful and clever and nice but she's still human. There is something inbuilt for her to want to use it as a piece of gossip to tell people about the weirdo she knows that lives across the hall from her.

"This isn't high school, grow up." She yelled at me. And like I didn't need reminding that I had managed to leave that hell hole.

"Me, grow up?" I take any shot at her that I can. I think about her acting like a kid and not letting me in the door. I didn't even speak to her that night. All she had wanted to do was start conversation or figure out what makes me tick like I do. People are always curious. It was the deal that I was starting over at college. I would only tell the people I wanted the people I trusted. That way I wouldn't be telling anyone.

"I was only trying to get to know you, don't be such a dick, Edward." She just called me a dick. I have to say, the pitiful bastard in a hospital bed doesn't get past her. She does have some back bone and won't be walked over. I'm quite impressed but still annoyed.

"This is why I don't talk to anyone." I grunt. She did just all me a dick. It's always the same people just think I'm a dick. They leave me be and tell everyone else what I'm like. But Bella, she I'll flash the gun in front of your eyes instead of behind your back.

"So you can be a loner all your days." She spat at me.

"Piss off, leave me alone." I had had enough of her. She had back bone and a load of guts to go along with it. She was just pressing at me for a response.

"I tried to make conversation, call the police, ok maybe when you tried to say you were sorry I was a bit mean but when I tried to apologies you were a total ass"

She calls me the ass for starting this. All I did was try to get by without them all and all there crap.

"I was the ass?"

"Yeh, and you still are, you can't even have me in the same room, never mind thank me for saving your sorry ass."

"Thank you for coming into my room and delving into my private business." I know it was a low swing after all she had done for me but I couldn't let the incident allow her to get closer to me, not anymore than she had already tried.

"Stop. It." Her tone was harsh and sanppy

"Stop what?" I asked as if I knew what she was talking about.

"Your crappy self protection, you know people can just talk and still live, it's not going to kill you. I helped you when you needed it, what bad do you think will come of this?"

"You laughing at me." I dint mean for it to come out. It just came out. I hoped that she didn't hear me. She was reading me like a book and I hated that she could. But I knew I was right she must have been laughing at me. It's just not normal.

"Edward I'm not laughing at you. I was worried about you." Her hand cupped my cheek and I could feel the electricity run between us so I pulled back not allowing myself to enjoy the sensation even though I wanted to, I was just to dangerous to let myself get close like that.

She pulled back at my chin, making me meet her eyes. "I'm not here to cause you any bother. Alice is my friend; we should at least be nice to one another for her, least when she's around." I nodded, it was all I could do I was hypnotized by her chocolate orbs. "God and here was I up all night worried that something was going to happen to you, your giving me hell but a totally different hell from yesterday." She treid to lighten the atmosphere with her change of tone but all I could concentrate on was that she was up all night worrying about me. Was she being honest. I struggled to tell with her joking tone.

I made myself come back to reality to answer her "I'm sorry, I am. It's just not, normal. I just didn't want it to be following me around for the rest of college." I told her feeling worried.

"It wont." She treid to reassure and I had to trust her, belive that she was being honest with me and honestly, this was the first person besides my family I had to put my trust in.

A moment passed as I looked in her eyes before I spoke "I remember your voice." She looked confused. "It must have been after it, you kept talking to me. I can't really remember what you said but I remember hearing you and you kissed my hand. I felt it" I don't know why but she had given me something, a promise and I just wanted her to know that I was truly thankful for what she did for me even if I couldn't show it.

"Do you remember last night? When you were talking to me?" She asked and I knew I couldn't admit to it. It could take us to another level of comfort or any solid ground could break between us. The small kiss she had given me on my lips and the feeling it gave me. I made me feel week but strong at the same time. It was a small peck but meant everything when I was struggling with reality. It was also my first kiss, ok not really a kiss but it was to me. No one ever wanted to kiss me and I couldn't blame them. I just pretend to look confused. I had the feeling that she didn't want me to know she had kissed me.

"What did I say?" It was a chance for her to let me know if she wanted. If not I would just forget that it happened.

"Not a lot, just thank you and you worried a little, you had seen I still had a little sick on me."

I closed my eyes at the memory. I was embarrassed that I had been sick on her but was use to it throwing up during attacks. It was fairly normal for me these days. "The throwing up part I remember, sorry."

A small warm laugh came from her "It's only a little bit sick, I have a feeling I'll get Alice doing it to me sometime soon the way she knocks back the tequila."

"Anything else from last night?" I pressed her one last time before I let go of the memory like she must have done.

She shook her head with her long brown hair swaying around her face. "No, that was it. You were tired and fell asleep." She gave a small smile and I let the memory go, she didn't want me to remember. "So, friends?" she asked.

"Sorry, but you can find better friends than me, we can be pleasant enough in passing but I don't want to mess you around with my attitude, you helped me, you don't need to put up with my crap to." She had made her decision and knew that we couldn't be friends. I would put her through hell that she didn't deserve and really she wasn't completely honest with me so I knew I couldn't trust her completely. I had already had to put enough trust in her than I had felt comfortable with.

We would simply co-exist for the sake of Alice and that was it. I could see that Alice had formed a good bond with Bella and I wasn't going to ruin it this time for her. Alice deserved to have one good friend.

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**_So did you like??? Please let me know what you thought and if you are liking my Edward??_**

**_fd xx_**


	9. Chapter 8

_**A/N: Thank you to everone that read and reviewed the EPOV. I wasnt right sure if I was getting him right but you seem to like. Sorry the chapters arent up as fast. Life. This is for Christina, my new Beta!! Yay! So happy to have her waving her magic wand over it and polishing it of, making it sparkle more than Edward on a sunny day!! Huggles hunni! luv you 3 xx**_

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**Chapter 8**

It was the back of three before I pulled up outside my dorm. I pulled on the hand break looking up at the red stone that welcomed me back to my new home. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder and picking up my box of tricks from my bedroom I slid from the cabin of the truck on to the damp ground of the pavement before closing my truck door. We were now into October and the cold damp air was proof of it.

I walked up the three flights of stairs and without even bothering to look for my key first, I attempted to open it – Alice did say she would be in.

Alice was definitely in – and Jasper – in a passionate clinch on her bed.

"Oh sorry," I averted my gaze as I threw my box onto my bed and the pair jumped apart.

"Bella." Alice sprang towards me, throwing her arms around me.

"I'll just leave you to it." Jasper interrupted as he tried to slide out the door unnoticed.

"It's fine. I'll leave you to have some privacy." I didn't know exactly where to but I knew I would be needing food soon anyway.

"No it's ok, he can go." Alice waved him off as we laughed at her antics. "I didn't think you would be early." She looked at the clock before her face turned back to mine looking sheepish.

"Having fun were we?" I asked as Japer's laugh got louder as he left, closing the door behind him. I, was in fact, late. "I was going to say sorry I was late but I guess you were having too much fun to notice." I teased her some more.

Her pixie features lit up at the sheer thought of god knows what. Me guessing, a rather heavy petting session. She gave a shrug and threw herself back onto her bed. "So why are you so late?" she eyed me suspiciously.

"Jake." I rolled my eyes at the thought of my gorgeous boyfriend. "He didn't want me to leave…ever." I shook my head.

"So it was a good weekend then?" she asked.

"Yeah, except for getting into a stupid argument with him." I let out a puff of air, blowing my fringe out of an eye at the thought.

"Trouble in paradise already? What were you arguing about?"

I couldn't tell her, I don't even know why I had mentioned it. It was stupid. Really stupid to get into an argument trying to defend someone when said person doesn't even want to talk to you in the first place. I shrugged.

"Nothing important." I threw my self back into my bed covers and pillow, relishing the warmth of my room from the cold I had just felt outside. "So…Jasper?" I pushed, hopeful that she would let the argument thing go.

"Well …we're kinda a thing now." She beamed with excitement.

"That's great. How did that happen?" I really was happy for the pair of them. They both deserved one another.

"Well, apparently someone told him to grow a pair and ask me out if that's what he really wanted." She winked knowingly to me.

"I think that person is really smart." I joked.

"Thanks, he did say he's worried still, especially with Edward but what you gonna do."

"It will work out the way it's meant to. If Jasper is to die a gory young death, well Edward is obviously the key to that outcome." I laughed as Alice's face dropped, her mouth wide open.

"You don't think Edward would?" She asked herself more than me.

"I'm just playing; Edward and Jasper have some weird thing going on somehow. They will do the obligatory conversation about ass kicking and then slap each other on the back I'm sure. It's the way of nature with the male species."

"Yeah, Edward really isn't the violent type. I mean I've seen him give back when someone has tried to beat him up, but that's not in his nature."

"Edward got beat up?" I asked surprised. I knew what he was like but I didn't think anyone would start on him.

"Well they would try, but he can hold his own when needed, and Emmett was never too far behind most of our school days to step in. Last year there was no Emmett so he did have to learn how to handle himself when it happened."

"Why would anyone want to hurt him?"

"Cause he's Edward. He's a rude shit that pushed past and pissed off a lot of jocks. Plus his condition always made him an easy candidate for name calling. The stress of it would make him ill often. Not that he would ever let anyone see it but I knew. He knew I knew, that's why we're like how we are." She picked at one of her chipped nails.

"So his condition, everyone knew about it?" I pushed trying not to seem as interested as I was. I don't know what made me feel like I needed to know so much; I wasn't one for gossip and passing it along. I just needed to know the reason he was in so much pain. I wanted to be prepared in case I seen him like that again. So I could help him.

"Yeah. It was something we were all tested at birth for. It's genetic, our mother's father had it so it was routine to check us. The chance of one of us having it was almost non-existent but…"

You could see the look of realization on her face that she felt like she had said too much. She swallowed hard before changing the subject. "So you looking forward to starting for real tomorrow." And it was forgotten. Well for Alice at least.

* * *

I ran across the campus late looking for my lecture room, I suddenly couldn't remember where it was from my brief look around campus last week. All morning I had been running late. Very late. I heard the alarm go off and ignored it. I felt Alice shake me and I waved her away. I heard her _shout_ that she was leaving with Jasper, for him to help her find her class. I was still in bed at the back of eight.

I still couldn't sleep right, apart from my first night home I hadn't really slept properly. I'm sure I had only slept so well on the Thursday back home because I was absolutely done in, I couldn't bare the thought of another week like last. Perhaps this wasn't home after all. Maybe it was like an allergic reaction trying to force me back to Forks where I belonged. Jake was a little antsy on Sunday morning to say the least with the fact I kept waking him up as I rolled around unsettled on Saturday night.

So I was running to my first official lecture and I was late. _Great start_. I almost fell through the door as the others snapped there heads up in my direction. I felt my self turn red with the shame of being last one in.

"Bella." I heard my name being called and my eyes met with Mike Newton.

He was in my Corridor a door down. I had seen him in passing in the corridor last week and seen him in one of my other lectures. He had recognized me and stopped to talk, introducing himself. He seemed nice enough, though he was a little too keen on the hash front. Most times I'd seen him, he had a joint in his hand, smoking away. A complete stoner to say the least, but I took his invite and sat down beside him, not feeling quite as embarrassed as I had done only a few moments ago. Everyone was now looking and the waving stoner. I liked the kid already for taking the heat off me.

I met up with Alice, Jasper, Rose and Emmett for dinner later that night, getting caught up in all the new stories we had to tell one another about our first real day at college. The conversation seemed to flow like it had done last week; nothing was out of place with that. But something was. It was then I noticed the vacant seat across from me and I remembered I had no Edward in front of me.

"Have any of you heard from Edward today?" I asked the group, feeling like he was missing out on something, not that he would be sharing, or even listening.

"Yeah he's fine. He will be starting on Monday. Dad says he's still not talking much though." Emmett told me, I gave a small nod.

"Yeah he texted me saying he will be back on Sunday night." Jasper added.

"He texted you?" Alice and Rose asked in unison.

"Yeah, why?" Jasper asked confused looking at the three surprised sets of eyes on him.

"He just doesn't unless it's important." Alice shrugged but the look on her face was slightly sad. Perhaps that it was because he texted Jasper and not her.

"I'm sure he was just making sure the room was safe." I teased lightening the situation as Alice threw a fry at me.

"We haven't told him yet." She nervously played with the food on her plate.

"Don't worry honey he wont mind." Rose placed a comforting hand on Alice's. "If he does, well it will just be one more thing for him to bitch about, and for you two to ignore."

"She's right; if he steps out of line on this one I'll kick his ass myself." Emmett added.

Men – there was always so much ass kicking talk involved.

"So who has the most homework already?" Emmett asked, changing the subject as we began the great debate – I had none so far, and was thankful. I could at least get to sleep without worrying about a deadline.

* * *

Both didn't last long.

My sleep or my lack of homework.

By Wednesday night I sat at my work desk staring blankly at the empty sheet of paper in front of me, shattered with severe lack of sleep. Meanwhile Alice was no doubt wrapped up in the arms of Jasper in the middle of a snogging session, like the previous two nights.

I turned my stiff neck, trying to loosen it from the work of nothing. I had actually no reason to complain of working hard because I had done nothing but stare at the blank sheet for the past two hours, just like the night previously. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt so insignificant right now. I was one of the top students in my English class but sitting here I felt I had the knowledge of a turnip. My mind would not focus.

So I called Jake.

"Hey." His low tone answered the phone and I felt my neck relax.

"Hey." I answered back, getting up from my seat and lying out on my bed. "How are you?" I asked, as my heavy head began to relax into the soft pillow.

"Good, and how is my hot college chick?" Jake had only just realized he was going out with a college student on Monday.

He was seriously amused with this. Not only did his friends struggle to find girlfriends and he didn't, I was in college. I didn't understand it but I think it was something to do with more experience, though to be honest Jake and I were on the same level when it came to experience, we had only been with each other, we didn't need to go off and find someone else to know what we had was good.

"I'm good, how is my corrupted high school boy?" I joked back. I could hear the sigh at the thought of me corrupting him and the obvious difference of high school and college. He only liked this joke when it was one way – his way.

"I'm fine." He yawned, making me yawn. I was jealous, he would slip off to bed soon and I'd be up all night again no doubt.

"What are you up to tonight?" he asked, he was still waiting for me to be running out the door constantly on pub crawls and missing class because I was hung over. I think he looked forward to the so called student social life than I did.

"Nothing, just trying to work on this paper. I still haven't started." I let out a little frustrated as I gripped at the front of my hair.

"Still no luck? Go out and have some fun. I'm sure that will help." Yeah, help give me a massive hangover.

"I think I'll pass. I have the weekend. I think we have something planned for then. There is a band playing at the union."

"That's it, get out and have fun. Just not too much without me." He replied, his cocky side coming out. But he knew it was true. "I cant believe I don't get to see you though. When you coming home next?" he asked. Honestly I had no clue. I really didn't.

"I'm not sure yet. Sorry. But you know you should come here one weekend." I tried to make it up to him.

"Yeah, we will get something sorted once your settled in." he promised.

We talked until Jake told me he needed his bed and hung up. I got back to sitting at my desk watching the minutes tick by so slowly as nothing seemed to enter my head. I switched on my laptop finding any excuse to keep me occupied, and told myself I was doing research.

Research is what you could call it. I looked up anything I could on the information I had for Edward, but I couldn't find anything. I read all about Epilepsy but knew it didn't fit. It was missing too many of his symptoms. It had to be something else.

It was getting to me. I needed to know. I didn't want to tell anyone I just needed to understand. Edward came into my mind more than a few times with the need to know. I knew I should respect his privacy, leave him alone and let it go. I had to. They did say it was rare for him to be so ill, that it most likely wouldn't happen again for a while. I could only hope they were right.

I closed the window and switched on my music player letting the calm music sooth me, relax me. I moved back to my bed and changed before climbing under the covers trying to let my little 'research' leave my head.

* * *

It was Friday morning and I was officially in hell.

"Come on Bella, get up." Alice's voice was firm and almost angry. I was a little scared of this Alice.

"I'm not feeling well." I tried to argue. She looked at me suspiciously, sitting down next to me on the edge of my bed as she placed a cool hand on my forehead.

"Is it any surprise? You haven't had a decent nights sleep since I don't know when." Her eyes look concerned but there was something else there too, I didn't know if she believed me or not, but right now I was feeling like crap. "I should call my dad." She added.

"No Alice, I have just struggled with sleep its fine. I just need to get settled in a little more. I miss Jake and Charlie, that's all. You have everyone around you still." Ok, I knew it was a low blow, but I had to let her realize that her starting college with everyone she knew around her and me starting college with no one, was different. "I didn't mean that to sound bad, but I just don't have my family like you do."

She nodded with a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, here I've been leaving you alone all week spending time with Jasper-"

"No don't say that, I have been busy with college work, It's not that. I'm glad you two are together and having fun. All I need is a little more sleep I'll be fine in a little bit, I just feel a bit yuck cause I'm so tired."

"Are you sure?" I nodded agreeing. "Really?" Her voice a little sad and low.

"I'm just tired, now go to class, I'll have a little more sleep and I'll be fine ok?" I raised my left eyebrow at her.

"Fine, ok. So you do still want to come out tonight?" she asked a little surprised.

"Yes, I'll be fine after some sleep." I tell her.

"Maybe I should get my dad to give you just a quick check."

"Alice." I tell her as a no.

"Fine." She rolls her eyes as she stands up grabbing her books. "I'll see you later. Do you want me to bring you anything?"

"No I'll be fine, I'll be ready once you finish classes and then we can all go for food."

"Ok, but let me know if you want or need anything, just call me. Ok?" I give another nod as she leaves the room letting me slip onto another disturbed sleep.

I wake up with Alice gently shaking me with her hand on my forehead again. I open my eyes adjusting to the light and see her with Carlisle behind her.

She jumped in before I have time to speak. "Ok, I didn't call him, he was passing through." She looked up at her father before looking at me again. "Really." She promises.

"I'm fine, really Doctor Cullen, I just need some sleep." I sat up adjusting myself in my bed feeling more than a little embarrassed. I look over at the clock and notice that Alice only left for class over an hour and a half ago. She must be missing class for this.

"It's Carlisle and it will only take me a second to give you a quick check." His words were soft and smooth and you could understand any patient agreeing to him with a voice like butter.

"Go on Bella, please, if your ok then you can come out." She pushed.

"And If I don't get checked?" I eye her questionably, the idea she will tie me to my bed to keep me in if I don't.

"You don't get to come out with us." Bingo. Knew that was going to be her bargaining chip. Damn pixie.

I let out a loud groan and she squealed with delight at getting one over on me.

"Alice if you could give us a moment please?" Carlisle asks his daughter as she gives a nod and slips out the door. "So Alice says you haven't been sleeping well." I give a small nod as he takes a seat next to me on my bed where moments ago Alice had sat. "Do you know when it started or was it when you moved into your dorm?" he asked as his cold 'doctor hands' touched my face pulling gently at my eyes, peering into them with a small torch that he seemed to make appear out of thin air.

The thing was, I knew when the lack of sleep began. I could not forget it. It had been ever since I had found Edward. Not that I was going to admit that to his father. I shrugged not giving him anything.

"Was it perhaps after you found Edward?" His eyes peered at me from his peripheral view, looking over at me for my reaction discreetly. I shrugged again. I don't think I could tell him in actual words any lies even if I tried.

He looked into my eyes obviously sensing my unease at the subject. "You know if it was after that, it would be perfectly normal, the stress that was put on you when you found him was as bad for you as it would have been for Edward." I don't believe that. How could what I felt ever compare to how Edward managed to deal with his attack.

"Have you had any nightmares since you found Edward?" I still tried to lie. I didn't want Edward to find out that every time I tried to sleep I pictured his face. Whatever way he took it – it wasn't going to be fun for me.

"I had one yeah." I tell him. I remember one strong, vivid, and I could feel the panic that I had felt at the time. That was the only real one. I had others, well I say others, I don't know if it was my own mind playing it through my head or my subconscious state, dreaming. My lack of sleep lately had made it difficult to tell the difference.

"And you have been struggling to sleep since then?" He asked again, this time looking right at me. I couldn't lie, something about the whole family made it impossible to lie to them, they were too full off kindness to ever deserve nothing but the truth.

"Yeah." I let out in a meek whisper.

"You know Bella, it's perfectly normal for this, It would have caused shock. I suggest that you give it a few more weeks, your brain sometimes just needs a little time to work things out properly, like re-organizing. But if it doesn't, your still normal. You may just be the kind of person who needs to talk things through." I didn't like where this was headed. "People are all different." He reminded me.

"So I'm fine?" I asked.

"You're normal and healthy, just a little tired. That will settle down as your head deals with it in its own time." He gives out a little laugh. "Promise me that if it hasn't settled down in a few weeks that you will come back and let me know. I'll let Alice know that you are well enough for going out tonight if you do." I had to laugh, he knew that I couldn't lie and I promised him that I would follow through if I did struggle.

"Ok, promise." I nod with a wide smile.

He headed for the door, placing his hand on the handle, "Bella, you really are fine, you just need to settle in a little bit more and give your head time to come back down from the shock."

I nodded strongly, taking in his words with my smile. I knew then and there that it wouldn't be a problem for long, I just had that feeling. I just needed to get used to my life without Jake and Charlie by my side.

* * *

After Carlisle had left me I managed to get some more sleep – still disturbed – but it was sleep. I felt a little fresher after it and my shower. Alice was right now with Jasper in his room, making out I'm guessing, while I finished getting ready before dinner.

I gave myself one last quick glance in the mirror running a hand through my hair trying to fix it. It would have to do. Swinging the door open I saw Edward leaning against the wall opposite my door. I paused for a moment looking over him shocked. I hadn't expected him to be here.

"Edward." I called his name as I threw my arms around his neck to hug him, glad to see him standing on his feet and looking well again.

He pushed me off him firmly and quickly before scolding me of my actions. "Christ, don't touch me like that Bella." His tone was sharp and cold and he didn't even bother to meet my eyes.

"I'm…I'm sorry. I just didn't expect you to be standing there and looking good." I smiled at him as his eyes quickly met mine before he looked back out the stained glass window on the end wall.

"Well I am, and lets just get back to normal." He told me flatly. I felt his words sting a little, but realized that nothing had changed at all.

I gave a small apologetic nod feeling my face burn at getting told off like a kid. "Are Alice and Jasper in there?" I asked pointing my index finger at his door. He gave a small nod.

"What are they doing?" I asked carefully, not sure that he had been told of the quickly progressing relationship.

"I don't want to even think about that one." He shrugged.

"So you know?" I eyed him cautiously. I didn't know if he was just going on their general flirty behavior before he had ended up in the hospital.

"Yeah, they told me this morning when I got back." So Carlisle had been here with Edward. Why had no one told me that he was back already though?

I nodded. "So how are you feeling?" I asked, curious that he really was back to normal.

"Can we just not talk." He grunted as he banged on the door, with the other two quickly emerging.

"You're ready and looking a bit better." Alice jumped up in front of my face inspecting my red tired eyes. "A couple of good nights sleep and you will be back to normal."

Edward looked at me, wondering what she was talking about, but he never asked. He never spoke.

"Yeah, I know, I just need to get to sleep in the first place." I gave a small smile as she linked her arm through mine and the four of us carrying along the corridor.

* * *

"Edward." Rose greeted as she wrapped her arms around him, happy to see him. He froze up like a piece of marble and pulled back at the contact, the full time his hands in his pockets. You could tell this was him trying, since she was family, not legally but she was in spirit.

"Rose." He gave a small nod back as he took a seat as soon as there contact had been broken.

We all sat back down at our places, Rose and Emmett together with Jasper and Alice across from them and Edward across from me. Somehow we always sat like this, I had never noticed until Monday when Edward was missing. The dinner had gone just like Monday. Edward didn't have much input and kept quiet all meal but somehow it made our group fit together. We felt complete.

After dinner we continued to the student union for the band we had planned to see.

"Ok so if we lose one another we just head home after it ok?" Alice nodded to everyone giving Jasper a look. The girl was fly, we all knew exactly what they had planned to do. Accidentally 'lose' us and not see them for the rest of the night. I knew I would be in great company with Em and Rose at least, even if Edward never spoke to me all night.

"Ok guys so what we drinking?" Emmett slapped his hands together eager to get stuck into the spirit of the night. He never thought about his words when he said them.

Edward threw him a dirty look before turning his back to us and disappearing into the crowd.

"Shit." Emmett placed a hand over his shocked face. "I didn't even think."

Rose tried to ease his guilt "Don't worry, he has to learn what he can and can't do." she pulled herself into him close trying to make him feel better.

"Emmett, forget about it. He'll be back." Alice promised him.

As he looked glumly at his wallet in his hand "Drinks?" he asked a little bit down trodden.

* * *

Alice's promise was wrong. Edward didn't come back. And once she and Jasper got 'lost' neither did they. It was Emmett, Rose and me for most of the night, right until the end at least. I had some how managed to lose Rose and Emmett on the way back from the bathroom and now I was looking to face the walk back home alone.

* * *

A/N: What did you think? like wher eits going? Wise Idea for Bella to head home herself??

Please review and let me know. Also check the trailer I have for this on my YT account - link is on my page!! and More videos too!!

fd xx


	10. Chapter 9

**_A/N: I dont have much to say other than...I'm ashamed, so, so, so ashamed! This chapter is perfection with all the help my lil Christina put into this. She worked her ass off and made it look and sound good and make sence!! So I would just like you to all know that she deserves soooooo much credit for this cos she's made it so much feckin better!! Seriously!! _**

**_Anyways - Enjoy!_**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

I walked out into the cold air, the night black except the glow of the lights surrounding the union. I pulled my jacket closer to me as I began my way back home through the dispersing crowd.

All around me were groups of friends and couples drifting further away from me, all going their own way home after their night out. I headed off of the main street, and up a side street. It was small, quiet, and gently lit by a few lights running down it's length.

I knew it was not the wisest decision to make, but I had already tried to get hold of everyone. Alice and Jasper's mobiles seemed to be switched off - surprise, surprise – and Rose had left hers at home. I stupidly still hadn't gotten Emmett or Edwards's numbers. Though I don't even think Edward would have picked up his phone if I tried him anyway.

I paused for second and looked around me sensing something wasn't right, that I wasn't entirely alone at this moment. As I started walking again I heard a small shuffling sound nearby. I stopped yet again, quickly feeling uneasy.

"Bella," I heard him call. I watched the towering figure walk out of the dark before giving me a sly smile. "You know you really shouldn't be walking home on your own."

I nodded knowing he was right, and gave him a small smile. "Everyone else got distracted," I told him foolishly.

"Ah, so they wouldn't even notice if someone kidnapped you. Come on I'll walk you home."

He put an arm around my shoulders, and I felt weak to his strength, and at that moment I knew it really was a bad move to walk home alone. I gripped onto the pepper spray in my pocket.

"Listen James," I began speaking to one of Emmett's friends. They were in the same course and we had been introduced briefly at the bar the other week. "… I'm not far. I'll be fine. You live just up the next row don't you," I reminded him that it was way out of his way.

"I suppose your right." I felt my tense muscles ease. "I say you come back to mine. You can call and wait for a cab. You can't keep walking home yourself." His strong grip tightened as he pulled me in the direction we had just walked, and I began to panic and wonder how I would fight him off.

I began rushing my words out. "No really, its not far, I'll be fine if I just walk …"

"Bella?"

I was interrupted with a loud, almost angry voice. I looked up to see who had shouted at me, but I already knew. Looking up the street about twenty feet away was Edward. Relief flooded me. I don't know why, I knew I couldn't be certain of trusting either, but I knew who I would rather take my chances with.

"Eddy," James called out in a fun tone. "Bella is just coming along with me now, but we will catch you later."

"It's fine James," his honey voice was intimidating. "_I__'__ll _see to it that she gets home in one piece." He eyed him up.

"It's fine dude, she would rather get a cab I'm sure." James gave a smile that sent a shiver of disgust down my spine.

"She can walk."

Edward was firm as he walked up grabbing hold of my arm as James's still hung around my neck from the other side. In one quick swift and slightly sore movement, Edward snapped me out from James, and held me close to his body. I could see his eyes glare over my head at James giving him one final warning to back away.

"Yeah, I better be catching up with Victoria anyway. I'll see you around Bella." He inched closer to my ear before he headed back down the street.

Edward and I stood still as he watched to make sure that he had left before he began to speak. "What the hell were you thinking walking home alone," He shouted in a low voice.

"I … I was-" I was cut off.

"Don't give me it. That was stupid. Do you know what would have happened if I wasn't there right now," he spat at me, but I was determined to stay strong.

I could look after myself just fine. "I have pepper spray," I told him, adamant that I wasn't going to feel intimidated by him or James.

"And if he fought that out your hand," he eyed me questioningly.

"I would have been Just fine Edward," I give with a deep sigh.

"That's what you looked like … just fine. With him dragging you back to his." He sneered at me. "Move," he told me as he pointed his head in the direction of the dorms.

I struggled to keep up with him, he seemed to race through the streets walking back home. "Will you slow down, I'm getting tired," I complained to him. It was him that was only just out of the hospital.

"It will do you good for the next time you need to run away from your rapist." He was cold and harsh and he never let up on his speed. I began to tail back slightly before I felt him grab hold of my wrist and pull at me to keep up with his speed. "If you wanted to take a stroll you should have went home with Alice."

"After you went stomping away," I could play his game too. "Alice and Jasper left. Then I lost Emmett and Rose at the end, but they were going the other way anyway."

He stopped sharp on his tracks turning around as I crashed into his chest before looking up to him towering above me.

"Emmett and Rosalie would have made sure you got home fine." His tone was accusing. "Alice and Jasper would have made sure you got home too if they had realized. _I__'__m_ making sure you get home ok" His harsh tone softened as he looked down at me and I could see the streetlight bounce in his eyes. I gave a small understanding nod at what he was saying. That everyone was looking out for me and would make sure that I'm safe first, even Edward.

* * *

We walked in silence the rest of the journey home. All the while, Edward still seeming angry with me. We walked up into the building quietly before I gave a whispered goodnight, with nothing in response from Edward; I slipped into my dark room.

I quietly took off my jacket, blindly placing it on the back of the door before looking for my pajamas with my hands. I lifted off my sweater, leaving only my little vest top as I heard a knock to the door giving me a fright. I leaped to the door quickly opening it, craning my neck around the door, to find Edward standing there. I looked at him blankly, wondering what he wanted. Alice no doubt.

"Yeah," I questioned him after a moment of looking at one another.

"Alice kicked me out." He looked down at the floor.

"What," I asked whispering, and slightly confused.

"Alice and Jasper are being … friendly." He rolled his eyes to his door.

I straightened myself up opening the door before switching on the light to find Alice's perfectly made bed. Minus Alice. He let out a little laugh, no doubt at my stupidity of realizing she wasn't in my room.

He looked at me once again. "She said I was able to come here, that you wouldn't be sleeping." He shrugged.

It all snapped in my head, making sense, he was to come over while they did, well what ever they were doing.

"She said she would be back soon," He pushed with a slightly annoyed tone etched in his words.

"Yeah, sorry." I opened the door wide letting him in as he slid by before taking a seat on Alice's bed. "So did you enjoy the band," I asked nonchalantly as I took a seat on my bed facing him. He shrugged and lay down before placing his headphones in his ears, and turning on his mp3 player.

Guessing he wasn't one for small conversation I decided to turn on my laptop, check my mail, or do anything as long as I didn't look sad as I sat there.

I opened up a document looking at the little I had managed to write for my first assessment, and picked up a book looking for a reference to add to what I had already written, backing up my argument.

"Brave New World." Edwards's voice startled me and snapped my head out from my book.

I held the pages in my hand inspecting the cover looking at the words printed on the cover. I nodded my head. "Yes."

"Have you homework already," he asked sitting up.

"Yeah, only this just now, but it as a start." I offer a small smile.

"I have missed a week of lectures," He tells more to himself than me.

"You will get caught up." I shrug looking back to the pages.

"It's just so typical. I'm already behind cause of …" he takes a deep sigh "... this ..." he trials off almost sadly

"Don't stress about it, it's not good for you," I remind him.

"And what do you know about it?" He suddenly jumps defensively.

"Nothing, but you can't do anything about it until Monday so there is no point worrying about it. Though, why are you back early? I thought you would be back on Sunday." I hadn't expected to see him earlier, and Alice had been too occupied to let me know anything.

"What, so I have an extra two days of listening to Carlisle and Esme tell me what to do?" He ran a hand through the front of his hair almost pulling it out. "Besides, if I wasn't here god only knows what would have happened to you," he trails off.

"I would have been fine Edward," I remind him firmly as I let my eyes go back to my book.

"I know that guy and I've heard stories. Em doesn't even like him he just puts up with him when he sees him out to save any bother."

I close my book and want to know. "What stories," I eye him skeptically.

"Don't give me that look, the guy is scum, take it from me. Just don't walk by yourself like that again. Keep yourself safe. You're not in Forks anymore, this is a big city and there are a lot worse people out there than me."

"There's nothing wrong with you. An attitude problem, yes, but you're not the bad guy." My attention is completely on him now, my assignment forgotten about.

"You don't know me," he lets out with a small smirk.

"I think I know you better than you think," I challenge him.

"Like what?" He folds his arms across his chest and leans against the wall waiting for my response.

"You helped me out earlier even though I didn't need it-"

"Bella, you needed it." He rolls his eyes sounding pissed off.

"Wait, I'm speaking. You didn't have to do it, but you did. You have an attitude problem that is made up for self defense, for some reason you don't want others close to you. You have a fear of people getting too close. I'm not sure why." Though I do have an idea that it's related to his past, bad days at high school perhaps.

"Anything else," he asks annoyed.

"Yes, you try to disconnect yourself from your parents, perhaps because you're adopted-"

"Did Alice tell you that?" That was it. He didn't like people to know. You could tell he didn't like the fact I knew.

"Does it really matter? It matters that you call them by their names instead of 'mum and dad'. They try with you, and you just keep pushing them away. I saw it in the hospital."

His jaw was tight with his teeth clenched as he looked up at me with his head tilted down. He should be intimidating, but after tonight he couldn't be. Not to me at least.

"I think I've had enough of listening to your shit for one night." And with that he placed his headphones back into his ears and never spoke.

When Alice came back half an hour later he flew past her not speaking to any one as he left with a face full of anger.

* * *

"So what did you say to him," Alice asked me some what amused. She was talking about Edward, and the mood that he had been in since he left our room last night.

Alice, Jasper, and I were currently making our way through a very late breakfast. Okay, so it was really lunch time. Edward had refused to come, and stayed holed up in his room avoiding Alice and I.

"Yeah, he didn't even speak to me last night. I was worried in case it was to do with me and Alice, but he told me it didn't this morning," Jasper added.

I rubbed my temple trying to sort through the conversation we had last night. Perhaps I was out of line, but it was him that had pushed for my answers.

"I lost everyone last night, and was walking home alone when I met James-"

"Oh god, are your okay," Alice asked worried and concerned. You could clearly see the change in her face at the mention of James's name.

"I would have handled it fine, but Edward showed up, and literally dragged me back home."

"I don't mean to sound rude Bella, but you would never be fine with him around." Alice looked me in the eye. "Good thing Edward came when he did even if he did act like a prick. He wouldn't hurt you, not like James could anyway." She shrugged looking down at her plate.

"She's right. I saw him last week. It was during the day in the canteen, and he had a girl practically pinned up against a wall even though it was packed full with customers," Jasper tells me.

I shake the thought of what could have been out of my head "Anyway, we were talking about it, and I called him on it … saying that he didn't have to, and that he's not the guy that he likes people to think he is."

"That is true, but he only ever shows it to me or Em on the very rare occasion. He's never going to be that person with anyone else Bella, sorry. I know he is keeping you back, but its not going to change, I wish it would, but it's just not going to." She looked sad as Jasper ran his thumb across her cheek comforting her, but you could see it was thinking about Edward and him keeping himself from everyone for good that made her sad.

I knew she was right; there was something in me that wanted to be able to connect to Edward. I felt that I had somehow, but he kept fighting it. He wouldn't't let it happen again, and I wanted it back.

I don't know why I did; I only knew that I wanted him in my life a little more than he was. I wasn't sure if it was compassion I had for him after hearing about him from Carlisle, or the fact that he did always seem so alone. I just didn't want him to be like that. The look Alice wore I felt.

After out breakfast/lunch Alice and I headed out to the shops while Jasper went to the library to catch up on some studying. He had spent so much time with Alice he needed to really get his in head in the books for the afternoon. So I was in the shopping mall with Alice, having some quality 'girl time' as she liked to call it.

"So I heard there planning a ball for end of the Christmas term. I thought we could go and try on some dresses." Alice bounced on her toes as she led me into the dress section of another huge shop.

"Really?" I hadn't heard anything about it. "I didn't think there would be anything planned like that. Though don't you think it's a little early to go shopping for a dress," I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No. It's never too early. Have I taught you nothing," she joked. "I need to get the best dress ever so I look gorgeous for Jasper." You could see the love lust look in her eyes. It was sweet, but a little much after just eating.

"Alice, you always look gorgeous. Though, are you sure that you will still be with Jasper," I asked carefully.

She never flinched at my question; she only pulled me closer with a wide grin. "We're going to be together forever. I just know it." She shrugged pulling herself back from me, and to a dark blue dress. "This would be perfect for you for the ball." She held it against me as I pulled away.

"I don't think so Alice, one - I'm not going, and two - I don't have the money to buy this dress."

She looked down biting on her lip. The dress was beautiful, but it deserved someone as beautiful as Alice to be wearing it. Not me.

"You have to go Bella. It will be a way to finish off the year." She put the dress back on the rail, and followed behind me as I pretended to look through the dresses.

"I'm not going. It will be filled with couples with their lips locked, and I'll be alone with Jake back home," I tell her honestly.

"You won't be alone. We will all go as a group. I know that Rose and Emmett are planning to go to it." She elbowed me playfully trying to convince me.

"Great another couple." I roll my eyes. It's bad enough having no Jake, but then to have them all flaunt there cheery couple-ness in front of me would be too much.

"What about this one," Alice asks as she holds the dress in front of her, examining herself in the mirror.

"It's nice," I tell her. It really is gorgeous. Jasper would be knocked on his back with Alice wearing it.

"We'll leave it for now, but I will be getting you to that ball." She gives me a knowing smirk as she grabs my hand, and we head for the exit.

"You look like there is something on your mind. Are you worried about last night," She asks me gently.

"Why would I be worried about Edward," I let out flatly trying not to think of our conversation last night.

"I didn't mean Edward. I meant James, you know, did you panic?"

Of course she was talking about James. "Sorry. I was a little, but I would have been fine. I would have gotten away from him. Edward was just over reacting."

We made our way through the mall stopping for a milkshake, and taking a seat. "He was worried. He wouldn't want anything happening to you. We have all been there before, and it was a lot to cope with. Even Edward struggled."

"What do you mean?" I was confused now. I really didn't know what she was talking about, or where she was going with this conversation.

"In high school Rose was attacked. She was only sixteen at the time when it happened. Somehow she managed to get herself to our house after it. She had ran all the way.

When she got there it was Edward that answered the door to her. She was in tears, and could barely control herself. She was a wreck. She clung to the first piece of safety, Edward, as she broke down.

He called for Emmett, but his gut reaction wasn't what she needed. Emmett calmed down after a short while and he took care of her, but before that she only clung to Edward. She didn't have the strength to break away from him. In the end Emmett peeled her arms off him and carried her up the stairs before calling the police."

I sat there stunned. I would never have thought something so tragic could have happened to Rosalie. She seemed so strong. But I knew from the story what Alice was getting at, and now I could understand the anger Edward would have felt. Having seen Rose so distraught, and me just walking into god knows what. I just never thought.

"Was she okay? Like, how did she handle it? Is she okay now," I ask Alice, bombarding her with questions.

"She is fine now, but it made her toughen up a little. she's careful of who she lets around her, especially with men. It was hell for her at first. There was a trial, and it broke both her and Emmett. They went their separate ways for a few weeks, though she was still always around, him supporting her. They took it slowly, starting again and things just blossomed. I can't think of any memory of Em without Rose in it since I was thirteen."

I really couldn't believe all of this. She was tough. I'd seen it in her. She would look like she was watching out for us constantly, usually with Emmett pulling her into him and snapping her out of it. It made sense now I suppose.

* * *

I had only just gotten changed into my pyjamas as I stretched out on top of my bed. After my afternoon of shopping I made it back to my room, and finished off my essay. I had slept like a baby last night for some reason. It must have all caught up with me, and so I passed out into a blissful sleep despite the incident with Edward. My brain had returned back to normal, well for today at least, and I had managed to complete the essay I had sweated over for days. I couldn't believe the change.

I picked up my phone knowing exactly who I was going to call. I hadn't spoken to Jake all day as I had been on the go and when he called earlier. I asked him if I could call him back, worried that I would break my train of thought as I hashed out my essay.

"Hey, my sexy baby." I laughed, he must have been drinking.

"Jake, have you been drinking," I ask.

I wouldn't be surprised. It's not the first time they boys have managed to tap into Sue Clearwater's home brew beer and wine.

"Just a couple, its Saturday remember." He laughed back.

"Yeah, just try and remember what day it is tomorrow when your head is killing you. You know Sue's brew is deadly."

"But it's so good. How come you're not out?" It was a good question.

I had been working hard on my essay, but now I was stuck inside with no one to talk to. I hadn't made many friends here, and after Alice pairing off with Jasper I hadn't spent much time with her at all. I still couldn't be mad though. She always looked so happy.

"They're all out on dates and that. You know, like how you used to spend your Saturday nights before you turned into a drunk," I teased him.

Before I moved here Saturdays were always spent with Jake. There were the odd times we would arrange to see our friends now and then, but it was mostly just us. Charlie was often away on fishing trips with Billy, so Jake and I were free to get up to what ever we wanted.

"I'm just trying to fill my time. You know I miss you Bells. Like I really miss you, its not like last Saturday." He reminded me about our making up after our argument. It was great.

"I know, I-" I was interrupted with the door swinging open.

I jumped up with fright not expecting him to come crashing in like that. "Edward," I called to him as he took his seat on Alice's bead like last night.

"I need to go. I'll call you tomorrow okay," I let out a little rushed, trying to end my conversation before Edward had time to hear it.

"Is Edward there Bella," he asked sounding worried.

"Yeah, I need to go right now. Talk to you later." I snapped my phone shut. I looked over at him for a moment before he spoke.

"Alice and Jasper are back." He shrugged as he opened up his book and began to read.

I sat there looking at him for a few moments, not quite believing he had just come in like that. I felt slightly self conscious at him finding me in my night ware, and felt my body draw back into the corner of my bed. He lay on his back reading through the pages as I began to relax and lay out on my bed.

I chewed on my bottom lip trying to think of any conversation to get him to speak. I looked up and could think of nothing. I didn't know why. There were a million things I wanted to ask him.

_How are you feeling? Why do you keep everyone shut out? Do you feel ok today? What__'__s your favorite book?_ I honestly knew nothing about the boy that sat across from me, and it annoyed the hell out of me. I broke my subtle gaze from him as he closed his book and sat up.

"You're freaking me out the way you keep looking at me," he informed me as I felt my cheeks turn red. I didn't think he could see me.

"Sorry, I … I was just wondering …" I stopped knowing it was useless to ask him anything.

"What's wrong with me," he asked while looking at the floor. I nodded my head. It was one of the many questions I had for him.

"Why do you want to know?"

It was a reasonable question to ask. Why did I want to know? Curiosity, being nosy, worried in case it happened again. I was definitely worried that it might happen again, but I didn't see why it seemed to irritate me so much not knowing.

"I don't know. I suppose because I want to know what was happening to you a little better when you were sick." I played with the cord of my shorts, thankful I actually had them on and not my usual underwear.

"So you mean you think I owe it to tell you, because you helped me?"

I didn't see it like that; I felt like he was twisting my words, trying to say that I could guilt it out of him by helping him. "I didn't mean like that Edward. If you don't want to tell me then its fine."

"I would, but I don't know if I can trust you." He seemed softer, more honest as his eyes lifted up to meet mine.

"I can't make you trust me. If you do, will you tell me," I asked with some hope talking about the future with him, him still in my life.

"I'm starting to, only time will tell." He shrugged, and he stretched out on Alice's bed picking up his book again.

I didn't know what to think of this. Was he somehow beginning to warm to me? And if so, why? I didn't know if I should tell Alice about it. That perhaps her brother isn't as emotionally stunted as she thought. Perhaps he's learned from his hospital visit.

* * *

I showered and got ready for the day ahead. I had slept even more soundly last night if it was at all possible. I whizzed past Alice to the mirror, fixing myself a little. A put a tiny bit of gloss on my lips making me feel pretty brand new.

"This is the Bella I like to see." Alice eyed the tube of gloss in my hand with a smile. "Sleep well," She asked, as if she needed to. I ran a hand through my hair in one last check.

"We going for breakfast soon?" the thought of some pancakes and maple syrup made my mouth water, and was exactly what I needed.

"Yeah, do you want to go and get the guys since … since you're all chirpy?" she laughed fixing herself as I headed out the door in a buzz.

Knocking on the door to the boys' room, I waited before I was met with Edward's face. I smiled at him, remembering our conversation last night.

"You guys good to go," I asked with a chirp – yep I was exactly what Alice said I was – chirpy.

"Someone got some," Jasper teased. Edward glared at him, incase it was any suggestion of us being intimate. I didn't know that that thought would disgust him so much. "What, I meant sleep." He looked at Edward. "I hope you feel bad dude, cause you gave this girl such a fright she hasn't slept properly since."

Why Jasper, why? Why did you have to say that, as if he doesn't already brood enough about nothing.

I kept quiet.

Edward looked at me, waiting for me to confirm or deny it, but I just ordered them along. "Come on guys, we might be ready before Alice for once in our lives," I joked, them all knowing it was usually Alice chasing us out the door.

Alice came out the door with Jasper squeezing past me to put his arm around her shoulder, and kiss her firmly on the lips. I missed Jake.

"Is it true," Edward asked as the other two walked on ahead down the hallway.

"What, the sleeping thing? No." I waved off. "It was just the move." It could have been, I couldn't be sure.

"Bella don't lie," he whispered down low so the others didn't hear.

"I'm not. I moved away from everyone I know. Of course I was struggling to sleep with the change."

Okay, so I was lying. I had looked forward to the change, I relished it. I knew the first night when I slept, and had seen him in my head, that everything had changed. I couldn't not care for him after everything that had happened that day. I just knew that I couldn't tell him though. No matter what, he would react badly.

"So how are you today," I ask with a smile, still feeling the buzz rattle through me.

"Lets just get back to normal Bella," he huffed as he walked away, overtaking Alice and Jasper. Alice giving a small backwards glance as I gave her a fake smile.

Not only did he manage to kill my happy buzz, but he was causing me emotional whiplash to boot.

* * *

**A/N: Ok people so heres the deal - I have gave you a good little slice of Edward and Bella here so I'm kciking all your buts into leaving a little review - jsut anything a little smile face or whatever - just to let me know you like the direction its going and the pace and all that Jazz! **

**I am so greatful for all the adds - seriously I am - I'm just asking for some reviews to go along with them. Big thank you to all the people that have reviewd. Also ppls guesses - Still no one has came at me with the right answere yet. I think I'v got you stumped on this one. Sweet!!**

**Peace people**


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: this chapter has not been beta'ed but hopefully will be replaced with the betaed version.**

**I also have some important news on this story and would like it if you could read the a/n at the end of the story so you will know what will be happening.**

**Enjoy - its all Edward and Bella**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Alice was right. Edward was never going to be _that_ person with _anyone_.

I looked up at him laying out on Alice's bed stretched out with headphones in and his eyes closed. He laid with his legs slightly apart, his right hand, palm up, lying out by his side, his left hand palm down on his torso, absentmindedly rubbing at the fourth button from the bottom of his non-ironed black shirt. His mouth closed, making his lips pucker ever so slightly. His copper hair messed up after running his hand through it countless times.

I knew him, almost. I knew the furrowed look on his face as he read. I knew the slight tapping of his foot when he was listening to an up beat song through his ipod. I knew the frustrated look in his eyes as he studied his book of anatomy. I knew of his happy trail from when he gave a tired stretch one late night. I knew of how he would place his hands palm to palm and place them under his cheek with his closed eyes when he wanted to sleep but was waiting for Alice to arrive back through.

_I knew him_

Almost

It had been two weeks since he had said I was lying to him over my sleep and said for us to get to back to normal. Normal to him was not talking. So we didn't unless we needed to.

He would come into my room if he had been kicked out his own by Alice so she could spend time with Jasper. He would just walk in. I didn't jump in surprise anymore, if I was on the phone I would leave the room without a word and finish it there. If for some reason the door was locked I would open it up after he gave a small knock and he would silently walk past me at the door. Both never talking to the other, it's how he wanted it. It's how he got it.

I looked up at him as I doodled in the corner of my note pad, reading through my class notes. The spiral circle getting larger and larger, never completing itself.

It had been two weeks and I had given him what he wanted. It was only fair that now I could now get something back. I needed something; he made me so…so…curious. I don't know why but he just seemed to interest me. His life, his being, is presence, he just intrigued me.

I threw down my note book to the side of me, no movement from Edward as I looked up at him with his eyes still closed. I rose to my feet and walked over to Alice's bed before sitting down on it with a light thud at his side for his attention to snap to me.

I worked.

"What are you doing?" he jumped with a small fright as he pulled himself up looking at me in surprise.

"Making conversation." I shrug happily. We had all been out earlier and it must be the few drinks at lunchtime that I had that are giving me the encouragement I need.

"I don't do 'making conversation'" he pulled his knees closer to himself, looking almost afraid of me. I knew he wasn't though.

"We'll its time you learned to do something new." I smile at him feeling almost cocky.

"Are you drunk?" He asks with an almost amused look on his face. You can see he is trying to keep his stony complex up and it only encouraged me further.

"I'm reading notes on Shakespeare, what do you think?" I'm not drunk. Just slightly bold.

"Being drunk while reading Hamlet could only help." He let out a small whisper in amassment.

"Did Edward Cullen really crack a joke?" I ask with a raised eyebrow. You could see him relax slightly as his knees eased back down.

"Just don't tell anyone." He seemed serious. "Bella, what do you want?" he asked me after a pregnant pause.

"I just wanted to talk to you. You have spent almost the full fortnight in my room at night but you don't speak to me."

"Yes I do." he tried to argue.

"Not when were alone." I correct.

"We don't need to speak. I… I don't want to speak to you…" He trailed off and I felt hurt at his words. I had never thought he didn't want to talk to me. I thought it was just…him. I didn't think that he put up with my presence only to make Alice happy.

I nodded once, turning my face as I stood up again making my way over to my bed as I lay out on my front on my bed clutching at my pillow, my face facing the wall.

It was unfair that my one place I was able to hide was robbed. I didn't know how to act. I wanted to pull my cover around me and disappear into them. The only thing that was worse than him telling me he didn't want to speak to me was that he was witness to my reaction.

_I needed to hide._

"Bella." I heard him call from behind me. I really wish he would leave. I ignored his words and closed my eyes tightly trying to block him out before I sat up quickly, grabbing hold of my backpack and note book and swiping my jacket off the back of my door as I rushed through it ignoring his calls to me.

I felt mortified. I wanted to cry. I felt a fool. All because of this one boy. Why could my curiosity not stop before I made an idiot of myself?

I pulled on my jacket as I rushed down the three flights of stairs and ran to my truck. I started the engine and reversed out the space and driving past the front of the building, seeing Edward reach the front door as I drove past him speeding slightly.

I was gone. He would never catch my direction if following me is what he had planned. I saw him stand there in only his shirt in my rear-view mirror and drove to my destination.

I looked at the clock reading eight o'clock and I knew I had a couple more hours before the library closed.

I pulled up outside and entered the grand building heading straight for the reading room to begin my study.

The room was empty and it laid half in darkness. The far ends lights had been turned off, most likely knowing that they wouldn't need all the light on as the room would never fill as it got late.

I sat myself down at one of the tables just before the rest of the room vanished into darkness, beginning to unwind as I flicked through the pages of notes and began to write the essay that was due next week.

I tried to keep my mind on the task but it fought with the shame I felt at Edward telling me he didn't want to speak to me. I felt almost tearful. I didn't know what I had done for him to hate me like he did. I tried to appease him by giving him space but it meant nothing to him. The only thing he wanted was for me to keep it up. He didn't want any polite conversation or getting to know one another at all.

I shook the thought of him out my head one last time as I continued to work away on my essay. This was my_ real_ place to hide. I could sit in tears here and no one would see me. I could, but I wasn't going to. Not over something as trivial as Edward Cullen.

I began to flick through my book looking for an extract when I heard him.

"You stupid bitch." His words filled the room as he came storming down the isle before stopping at my table, placing his heavy hands down flatly on the wood.

His eyes glared down at me as I looked up at him, right now he petrified me. You could almost see the steam coming out from his ears. I had no idea that I would have made him this mad. His voice calling me before I left the room was almost sedate.

"Do you have any idea what you have just done?" I let my eyes fall to the desk giving a small shake. I really couldn't think why that trying to talk to him would cause such a drama.

"I was just trying to have a conversation-" I began tryin to explain before he interrupted me.

He grabbed at my notepad, book and notes, gathering them in as I tried to fight them back out of his large hands. His strong arms holding a perfect grip on them mid air as I tried to wrestle them off of him.

"Leave me alone." I argued back pulling on the pages of my book ripping it at its paper spine.

"Move." He growled in my ear. I was going no where with him, especially not like this. He was scaring me and right now I cursed myself for going so far up the back of the room that I wasn't gaining anyone's attention.

"No." I stuttered as I looked misty eyed at my torn spine on the book. The other week he seemed almost heroic, pulling me from the clutches of James. Now, the thought of being pulled by his arms only flashed panic in my mind as I clutched to the ripped paper wad in my hand.

"Bella, you just drove here drunk." He gritted out from behind his clenched teeth.

I looked up at him in shock. _Shit_. I had driven here. I wasn't drunk but the alcohol in me would probably still make me over the limit even though it was about six hours from my last drink. But I had still driven here, I could have been pulled over, I could have lost my license, hell, I could have killed someone. I swallowed and felt pain in my throat at my recklessness.

I sat there open mouthed. I had been caught up with my own embarrassment I had forgotten all about the four drinks I had earlier. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid.

"I'm driving you home and I'm leaving now." His words were quieter but still firm and full of anger. I nodded numbly at him placing my torn book into my bag in a slow daze as he began walking out with the rest of my things still in his hands that I wasn't able to fight off of him. I couldn't care about anything right now; he could keep it for all I cared.

Charlie would kill me if he ever found out. I would have to listen to his drink driving speech for hours, hearing every grizzly detail that would leave me with nightmares.

Slowly I followed Edwards path to out side and I seen his car parked next to my truck with its headlights turned on almost blinding Edward from my sight but I could still see him sit there looking out the windscreen, looking past me with a clenched jaw. I walked up to the passenger door before getting in without a word, head hung low.

He pulled out sharp and drove too fast for the street we were in. "You're going to fast." I mumbled feeling frightened that he was letting his anger control his driving. I may have been careless tonight but it was unintentional. This wasn't.

"I'm a good driver, the street is empty." He shrugged. "Besides, I'm sober." He finished off as I felt his eyes land on me. I flinched at his cold tone and tried to ignore his words until I was in the safety of my own room. He wasn't getting back in there tonight. I didn't care if it would put a spanner in the works for Alice. She would survive one night. Or Edward could find a new place to brood.

We drove through the dark streets as he continued on, driving past our dorm as I looked on. "You missed it." I told him as he continued driving never answering me.

"Edward." I called at him but he ignored my words.

"Edward." I snapped my fingers in front of him, his eyes never losing their focus from the road in front.

"I know, ok, shut up and stay quiet." His tone was harsh and cold. He looked over at me but I kept my eyes on the road in front of me. I wouldn't let him see the effect his words could have on me.

We drove up for another few miles before he turned off and up into a park or something, parking up under trees.

He turned off the engine and his eyes stayed forward looking at a dark trunk of a tree that was barely visible in the night air.

I didn't know what we were doing here, but I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew his reason for his anger and knew that I would never be in any danger of him despite the shady destination.

I turned in my seat looking at him. I knew he was thinking of his words so I didn't press him. We sat there for a good five minutes, me looking at him or glancing around at the surrounding trees.

"I come here when I want to forget that I'm stuck in this over bearing city." He gave a brief glance at my direction before looking out the window again. "I know Forks has a lot of forest surrounding it, thought it might remind you of home a little."

_He knew I missed home _

Everyone knew I missed Jake and Charlie but I had never spoke about missing home, missing the lush green that I once couldn't stand. I missed my family but I missed disappearing into the trees and getting lost in my own world for a little while.

I never spoke; I just continued to look out the window taking in the trees that did remind me of home a little. It was nice, peaceful. And it really did make me feel that I was out of the city.

"I didn't mean to call you…you know what I called you." He struggled out with his shoulders tense as he closed his eyes before opening hem back up again.

"A stupid bitch?" I asked with a slightly pissed off tone looking at him. He flinched at me repeating his words. It was what he called me but I regretted repeating his words as soon as they left my mouth especially when I seen him wince. I wasn't helping him open up any.

"Sorry." He combed his fingers through his hair making a piece of hair fall back down further into his eye. I wanted to brush it away. "I followed you down the stairs hoping that you wouldn't get into your truck, that you would realize…" he looked up at me apologetically.

"How did you know where I would be?" I asked, curious. I thought I would have been safe hiding in the library. I didn't think I had told anyone about it being a haven for me.

He shrugged back in his seat, resting his head back. "Lucky guess, I thought that you might have headed there. I know you like the architecture."

My brows hunched forward as I looked at him wondering how her knew that. It was something else that he knew that he shouldn't. It didn't help with my curiosity with him. It only seemed to make my mind reel more. He obviously paid a lot more attention than he let on.

I chewed on my lip before reaching for the door handle, opening the door and getting out and standing before the bonnet of the car. The air had gotten colder as the first wave of winter began. It was nearing November and the air was freezing. Damp moisture filled the air and clouds of breath filled the space in front of me.

Edwards's door opened too, him joining me as he leaned against the front of his car, both our breaths clouding together.

"I like it." I looked up at the huge trees surrounding me with a small smile. The trees were the same thick bush that kept Forks green even on its greyest day.

We stood there for a moment in silence breathing in the cold air. "Thank you." I whispered out.

"For what?"

"For this, for coming and getting me when I made a mistake, for the trees," I turned to face him with a small smile "for the little bit conversation."

I knew what he had given me. He was trying to give something back as way of an apology. It was his way of an apology from our brief argument in the hospital too. It wasn't something solid that I could keep, something that I could hold or show off. It was his simple words, feelings and insight that I knew no one else had been trusted with from him. Least not the ones he had told me, I was sure.

He gave a small brief smile back and for a tiny second I could see through to the soul that he tried to keep so well hidden. I wanted to hug him, touch him, anything to let him know how much I appreciated it. But I never, I didn't want to ruin the moment we already had.

We stood there, both leaning against the front of the car gazing up to the tops of the trees and I felt a million miles from Seattle, I felt a million miles from Forks as well, Edward had taken me somewhere new and entirely different and I didn't know if I would ever want to go back to either, not right now at least.

"You know, throw some stars in the mix and I think I could handle living in Seattle for the rest of my days." That was something that had been lacking in Seattle, stars. There were too many bright lights and it made them disappear.

"Sorry, too much cloud tonight," he let out a little laugh it fading out into the night along with his cloudy breath before he began again. "You know, it's Esme's birthday next week. You should come home with us for it; she would like to see you again."

"I wouldn't want to intrude." I give a wary smile, thinking he may regret his impulse to make it up to me. That perhaps he was pushing himself further than even _he_ realized.

He shook his head "You wouldn't, after you helped me she thinks your brilliant." he gave another small smile. I could collapse with shock if I didn't know it was out of guilt.

I gave a small nod agreeing before I had even realized it.

I gave a small shiver as a cold breeze blew across me. "Come on, I'll get you back home." He said as he made his way to his door as I followed his lead, making my way to my own side as I warmed up with the heater as he turned on the engine. Edward still only wore his shirt.

"I'll take you to get your car in the morning if you want." He looked at me hesitantly. "Or you could ask Alice…" I didn't know who he would prefer me to pick. I would have thought Alice but the tone in his voice seemed to tell me to pick him.

"Could you..?" I asked gently "You know so we wouldn't have to tell her, she would just worry." I shrugged as if it was nothing. It was, he was only going to drop me off at my car without mentioning it to Alice because she really would worry.

There was a brief conflicting thought that I wouldn't really mind Alice knowing, I could handle her wrath, and she was too bubbly to be angry with anyone. I wanted _Edward_ to take me back in the morning, not Alice and I had no real idea why.

He nodded in agreement as he looked out the turning, checking that the road was clear before driving out on to it. "You know you need to be more careful Bella," I loved the way his voice spoke my name; it was like sugar, sweet but with slight gravel to it. "I'm not always going to be following behind you." His eyes briefly fluttered to mine breaking from the road and back.

I nodded shyly, feeling ridiculous for all the simple choices I have made wrong.

"Jake would kill me if he found out about either." I admitted. The fact that it was Edward that came to my rescue on both accounts would only grate on him more.

"I won't tell anyone, but just be careful."

"Jake is always telling me I'm a disaster, always falling over myself and getting into situations." I shrugged at the countless memories of Jake rolling his eyes at me.

"I wouldn't say you were a disaster, just a magnet for trouble." He gave a shy smile.

"I seen the way guys look at you and it makes me uncomfortable, there drawn to you." He doesn't look at me; instead he keeps his eyes on the road as we drive back to the dorm.

"Guys don't look at me, and are you saying all guys are trouble?" I waved off bouncing a question back at him. I didn't flinch for a second about it making him uncomfortable. He and the rest know only too well what other men are capable off after being witness to Roses breakdown a few years ago.

"I'm just saying watch yourself. Me, Em and Jazz cant keep you safe if were not there." His eyes meet mine again for a brief moment and I'm ready to fight my side. I don't know when he became so protective. Perhaps when he seen me walk straight into danger with James and knew that I struggled with common sense.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm-"

"Fine. Yes, I know. It's what you always say but it's not always the truth, Bella." His tone was a little jagged as he spoke my name, knowing he was right.

I looked out my window not wanting this conversation anymore, not wanting _any_ conversation anymore.

* * *

I heard my room door open and heard the quiet steps of Edward walk in. I suspected he would be in tonight with Alice and Jasper planning the cinema. They must have arrived back home already.

As usual he said no words; I didn't even move to look at him, checking it was him. I knew from the sound of his walk, the smell of something that was only him and the way he was breathing that it was Edward. I could tell it was him even if a dozen guy's came walking through. I would be able to pick him out.

I lay on my stomach with my eyes squeezed closed trying to calm myself. I had only just gotten off the phone to Jake. I had explained to him about last night. About my drink driving. To say he wasn't amused would be an understatement. I think I would have actually got off with it lighter with Charlie if I had told him instead.

I wiped at the tear on my cheek determined not to let it get to me anymore. Not to let Edward see this, for him to pick up on it.

I heard him behind me shuffling around on the bed. I couldn't hear the gentle buzz from the headphones so I guessed he had come with a book instead tonight.

I let my thoughts float back to Jake as I knew Edward was distracted and had reverted back to 'normal' and wasn't talking. It was the first time I had felt grateful for our silence.

I thought of Jakes voice getting deeper as I tried to tell him about my error. I didn't even go into specifics except that it was Edward that had followed me and 'brought me straight back home'. He was mad that I had been so careless, mad that Edward was there and he wasn't. I didn't know if it was jealousy but his words were harsh and we ended up arguing, me telling him I could look after myself. Similar words to Edward the night previous.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe I needed a babysitter, someone following around me picking me up and setting me back down on the right direction.

The conversation ended with us shouting at one another and me slamming my phone closed at his constant berating. I couldn't listen to anymore of it tonight. We would sleep on it and it would be gone in the morning like all our silly arguments. I was positive.

I felt a shudder of emotion rack through me and swallowed a deep breath, more tears fighting to leave my shut eyes. I hated arguing with Jake. It tore me apart.

I heard Edward shift on the bed again and I wiped away one traitor tear that had escaped my watery eyes.

"Are you alright, Bella?" I heard his gentle tone fill the space between us and I nodded into my pillow acknowledging his question.

I never made any other movement or sound. I was too worried that if someone gave me sympathy I would break down like I normally did. It was always my reaction and I hated it.

I unintentionally gasped in a sob making my breath stutter, my face in the pillow not able to mute the sound completely.

I heard him move on the bed once again "Bella?" His tone was questioning but still gentle. I heard his quiet steps padding across the cream carpet, inching closer before I felt the edge of my bed pull down at the side with his weight sitting on it.

He called my name once again, patiently waiting for the response I never gave to him. I only pulled the pillow further into my face, wiping the tears off my cheeks and trying to still my deep breaths. I couldn't let him see me like this. Not after last night.

I felt a gentle grip at my arm and I let his hand stay there, he was trying to be nice I think, I wasn't going to pull away from him.

"Bella?" I heard him whisper by my ear, his breath making my damp cheek tingle.

"Talk to me." I could have laughed at that one. Now he wants to talk. When I try to hide all he seems to do is come seeking me out. I couldn't help it; I sniggered slightly at the irony.

His reaction was to pull at my arm again. He was still gentle, he could obviously feel my arm tense as it wrapped around my chest clutching my heart.

He gave one final pull, pulling me out from my corner in the bedding, opening me up to the room as I tried to close myself back down, hiding my face in my hair and refusing to turn it to meet the rest of turned body.

I sat up almost, the top of my body twisting to him as he still held onto my arm, my knees facing the wall along with my face.

He knew I was upset but I still fought to hide it from him. I didn't want to seem weaker than I already was in his eyes.

His other hand came through my hair, blindly looking for the side of my face to draw me towards him, to make me look at him.

There were no tears, I was sure but my cheeks were damp and hot from the ones I had blotted away. I felt my face being pulled in his direction and I couldn't fight it anymore. My head turned and met his two worried green eyes.

"Are you crying?" he asked softly though it was obvious. His thumb brushed at the wet below my eyes drying them some more.

I gave a weak nod before I gave into the comfort I needed and quickly crashing my face into Edwards's lower torso wrapping my arms around his waist. I didn't even think about my movement, my body reacted on its own away from my mind. Once my mind caught up I waited to be thrown off him, for him to burst into a fit of anger, but it never came.

I felt his hand land on my shoulder and instead of pulling me up, off of him; he rubbed his fingers in circles, soothing me as I felt myself relax into him further.

"Shh." He whispered gently trying to still my emotions. I couldn't help it, with that I felt another wave of tears wrack my body and a deep sob following it. He pulled me in to him more, my face running up against his blue t-shirt, my tears changing patches of the fabric black in the process.

He let my sobs subside before he pulled my face out from his chest, taking his warmth away from me.

"What's happened?" he asked worried looking into my eyes, gently wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb.

"I told Jake about my driving last night." I sobbed out as he broke his gaze away from me.

"Oh." He gave out "I thought you weren't going to tell him?" he looked back at me.

I shook my head knowing that I tell Jake everything. Well almost everything. "I thought I should…could." I corrected myself. I really thought I could have told him without the fireworks but I was wrong. I seemed to be able to tell him everything else that was so trivial. Why did this have such an effect? Nothing bad had come from it.

Jakes words echoed in my head again and if felt my eyes prick up at the sound my breathing stuttered and without another word Edward knew what I needed.

He pulled me back into his chest, his arms that last night scared me felt like the heroic ones that pulled me from James two weeks ago as they locked me into him, safely, secure, protected.

I tried to mute the next sob that came from me into his chest. I could feel his heart where my head lay, against his breast bone, and it should have been uncomfortable, but it wasn't. His grip loosened slightly as he moved my pillows before he pulled me tight back into him once again, bring me down with him on to my bed.

He lay down on his back as he pulled me close into his side with my head resting on his chest. His right arm pulled at he scrunched covers along the wall, wrapping them around me and part of him before he placed his hand into my hair, sweeping his fingers through the shallows of my head at the crown.

I relaxed against him and my breathing slowed, returning to normal and my sobs fading. My eye lids grew heavy and I could feel them drop, I didn't fight against it, I couldn't, I felt to peaceful where I was and I seized it not knowing if I would ever have this form him again.

I lay there against him in a sweet rapture as I fell asleep in his arms.

* * *

**a/n: Ok people, A litle bit to tell you so listen up please so you will all know whats going to be happening with this story.**

**First, my lil Christina will not be beta'in me on the rest of this story!! sooo sad I do know but, I hope she will help me out on the next story I do - I still heart her 3!!!! huggles my little hunni!!**

**I will miss her amazing work but I plan to get this story wrapped up quick - It's not near the end!! dont worry - still a while to go yet but as some of you may know my health isnt the best and so I'm waiting for some big surgery. It could still be a few months untill I get called in but it could be a lot less so I decided I wanted to try and at least get this story fininshed because after the op I'll be in rehab and may not feel like writing for a while (or I may get so bored I churn out a saga of my own lol)**

**Anyway - the plan is for me to update as soon as I have finished writing the chapters without getting them beta'ed - I hope you dont mind too much - I know that she does killer work to my dodgy chapters but like i say I still have a lot of story to go and want to make sure you get to hear it all. I'm sorry if there is people reading and would prefer it to be beta'ed. I would too but like I say - I'm short on time!! **

**I do love this story - it was an idea that came to me as soon as I was reading the saga so had wanted to tell it for months so it does mean a lot and I'm really happy its my most popular story to date. **

**I will also be posting chapter 11 tomorow and 12 on Sunday as they are ready to go. Chapter 14 and 15 are being finished and tided up and I plan to start 16 very soon! like i say I plan update as soon as. **

**But please leave a review for me and let me know what you think of this chapter and I hope you are not too annoyed with me over my decisions and understand.**

**Love to Christina and all my lovely readers! **

**fd xx**

**PS - I will keep you all in the loop about my surgery and all things prior too it.**


	12. Chapter 11

**a/n: thanks to all of my new readers and for all of the add i got of this story last chapter! it really does mean a lot that you are reading and faving it!! **

**Enjoy**

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**Chapter 11**

The next morning I woke with a start at the sound of Alice's hair dryer going. It was a way to wake up I suppose. I wasn't tired, in fact I felt well rested despite the tears I shed before sleeping.

It all suddenly came back to me as I sat up quick looking around for Edward. He wasn't here. Of course he wasn't here. Why would he be? The fact that I had fallen asleep on him last night amazed me as it was. He wouldn't be hanging around waiting for me to wake up.

"Morning" I heard Alice shout from her semi up-side down pose in front of the mirror, blasting the hot air through her hair.

"Morning." I gave back with a small smile before a looked behind her, assessing my almost recovered blotchy face in the mirror.

She turned the dryer off before taking a small seat at the side of my bed. "So did you and my brother fall out again?" she asked is if it bothered her but could tell she was joking.

"Um..uhhh…" I stuttered. I didn't know what to say, he clearly hadn't told her what had happened last night. I shook my head answering her no. "What did he say?"

"Edward? Nothing, he just said you seemed to need your bed and that you fell asleep so he went out a drive. I never saw him last night so I was worried that he was off on some rage." I shook my head again at her, confirming there had been no altercations between Edward and I.

"I was just relaxing in bed," I shrugged. "must have fallen asleep." I told her with my false smile.

I didn't want to go back through discussing my argument with Jake again. Once to Edward was enough. There would be no tears today. I was thankful to Edward that he didn't pass on to Alice what had happened.

"I'm off to get ready for class." I told her as I got out of bed before picking up my clothes and towel and out the door.

Walking into the shower room I looked at my red eyes, they weren't bad; no one would suspect that I had been in tears the night before. My mind went off thinking about Edward and his actions last night. He took me in when I needed a friend, a shoulder. The night before, he told me off for my own good. _Not that I listened to that part much. _I hoped that he was going to at least embrace me like he had Jasper.

Alice was still amazed at how the two got along. Edward was still very quiet when we were all together but Jazz swore blind that when it was the two of them, he spoke. I was happy that he did because I hoped that this was his first step of trusting some one. He said once that he was beginning to trust me; well I hoped once he trust Jasper, others would follow.

Jasper did say that it was the usual guy things they spoke about, computer games, sport, that kind of thing but least he was speaking.

I could see it; he was slowly coming out of his shell a little. It had only been a month since I had met him but he was reaching out, slowly but surely. With the exception of the hospital and the past two nights there wasn't much progress in my direction but I was just going to give him the time he needed.

Getting out the shower I headed back to my room dressed to finish getting ready and make the call I knew I had to.

_Jake_

I needed to talk to him, apologize for my stupidity and closing the phone on him. I'm sure he would have calmed down now. An exchange of I love you's and it would be forgotten about.

Walking into my room I heard Alice's voice "Oh wait, she's right here." Alice handed me my phone as she whispered Jakes name indicating it was him on the phone. Jake calling first, he must be feeling guilty. He's never the one to cave as quick.

I gave Alice a smile and a nod taking my phone from her and headed out to the hall. I let my back rest against the wall as I slid down before we began our apologies.

"Hey." I whispered with a croak in my voice. No tears remember, I mentally kicked my own backside hoping to keep it together and not to make a spectacle of myself to anyone that might walk out and see me.

"Hey." His voice was faint and sorry and he didn't have to say it, I knew already but he did. "I'm sorry, I love you."

"I love you too. Sorry for slamming my phone closed on you." He let a small laugh out at that one.

"Some pair aren't we. I'm sorry, really. I just miss you and your not here. I just want to kiss you and cuddle you. Making up is no fun over the phone." He let out with a disgruntled moan on the phone at our situation.

"Soon." I promised him.

He laughed again "Soon." He let out a yawn and I knew he had been up all night worried about it, about me and about us while I was sound asleep. "Just keep yourself safe."

I sniggered at Edward's matching words. He did worry about me. Edward and Jake both. It was nice to know they cared, even Edward with our unusual relationship.

"Always." I let out with exaggeration and he laughed at my blatant lie.

We had made up and were running later after our long phone conversation. Alice had passed me with Japer to leave for class during my phone call but I hadn't seen Edward all morning. I wanted to thank him. For letting me cry all over him and be a burden to him.

Walking out of my last class I called on Mike, offering him a lift. Though he was a stoner he was smart enough never to smoke and drive. I had seen him walking back to halls a few times, pulling over to give him a lift back; we were going the same direction. He would often joke about trying to get a date from me only to be reminded that I have a boyfriend.

He was a good laugh. I didn't judge him on what he did and we got on.

"So come on Bella, I'll fly you to Paris." This was his current attempt to get me on a date with him. He would fly me to Paris. I had to laugh. I knew he was slightly eccentric and that he most likely didn't even own a passport, never mind actually be able to fly me to Paris.

"When I break up with Jake, you'll be the first I call." I winked at him jokingly before going into my room and getting ready for dinner.

"I'll be waiting by the phone." I heard him call from through the door. I laughed and shook my head at his antics

* * *

I sat in my room alone once again that night, Alice, away out with Jasper to god knows where. I was beginning to really miss her. It just seemed as if we spent almost no time together anymore and I missed the excitement she would rub off on me.

First though I had a bigger problem. Edward. I hadn't seen him all day; he never showed to meet any of us for lunch and not to be seen at all during dinner. I was worried in case he was mad at me for last night but more worried that he was ill because he was hiding out.

I lay on my front on my bed doodling in my notepad wondering just where he had got to. I wanted to text but the conversation from Alice and Emmett earlier said he was fine. He was just studying. They accepted it and left him too it.

My fingers wondered across the keypad wondering weather to text him or not.

I didn't need to.

Seconds later he came in through the door, not hurriedly, not aggressively, just coming in through the door, his manner a lot more chilled than usual. His usually furrowed brows were relaxed and he closed the door behind him, his eyes set on me the full time.

I gave a tight smile as I put my phone down secretly ecstatic he had just walked through that door. I tried to act normal, as if nothing happened last night. Maybe he would keep his serene calmness "Alice and Jasper back?" I asked nonchalantly, knowing the reason this beautiful boy was in my room.

_Did I just call him beautiful?_ I suppose he was.

I shook it off, looking swiftly at my little star I had drawn and back up at him.

He moved down at the edge of my bed, I was already sprawled across it in my front so I struggled to see his face when he spoke "No, I was checking you were ok, you know, after last night." He shrugged and looked across at the wall on the opposite side of the room.

I practically sprang to life at this one. He was in here of his own accord – checking I was ok? I must have been dreaming. I sat up leaning back on my heels.

"I'm fine. Thanks." I bit my lip trying to tame the nervous twitch in me not looking at him. "I'm…Sorry." I met his gorgeous green eyes again. "I shouldn't have done that."

He let out a small sigh "I…" he was quiet for a few moments, collecting his thoughts and I gave him it. "You can speak to me if you want to. If you're upset, you can."

I gave a small nod to him but I wondered if we could only talk if I was upset and that talking in general was still out of the question.

"But are you really ok?" he checked again.

"Yeh I talked to Jake this morning and we got over it." I gave a small smile and it seemed as if his frown came back as he looked down at his lap giving a nod.

"That's good." He gave out in an almost whisper.

"So where have you been all day?" I asked breezily trying to lighten the dark mood that all of a sudden seemed to arrive in the room.

"I thought I would give you space. I didn't want you to panic or worry that I was going to say anything in front of others." He stood up walking over to Alice's bed picking up his book that he had left on the side of Alice's bed side drawers.

"Thanks, but you didn't need to. I never told them but I was worried where you were." I never meant to tell him I was worried but it had already come out.

"Worried?" He looked over at me surprised from over the book he was beginning to read.

I looked back down playing with my hands. "I though you might have been mad at me, you know after last night."

He gave a small laugh and looked back down at his book "You don't need to worry about that, I'll let you use my t-shirt as a Kleenex anytime."

I was in shock, where did this Edward come from. He seemed to be speaking and telling me not to worry about becoming a quivering snotty wreck on him again. With a laugh.

I decided that after our small exchange I could push that little bit further.

"You going to be staying here?" I asked as I pointed to the floor.

"Yeh, they will be back soon anyway and I'll get just kicked out then anyways so I might as well beat them too it." Humour in his tone. He really could be normal when he let that enormous fuck off wall fall down. I liked it.

"I'll be right back." I picked up my purse and headed out the door.

I was back in less than five minutes but I could barely open the door with all the crap I held in it.

Edward looked at me confused as I walked through the door dropping a packet of M&M's on the floor. "Hungry?" He asked with a crooked smile.

I walked over to Alice's bed, silently ordering him to slide along the bed as I dropped all the snacks onto the bed before taking a seat.

"I haven't seen you eat today so I'm double checking." I gave a cheeky smile as I handed him a small packet of powdered doughnuts.

"Bella, I had something-"

"Something? A proper meal?"

He looked down knowing I had rumbled him "No…" he rolled his eyes jokingly at me opening up the doughnuts accepting what I offered him and settling my mind.

* * *

"I still can't believe he asked you." Alice gave with a wide smile as she fought with the zip of her weekend bag.

"So." I shrugged "You asked Jasper." I reminded her.

"Yes. But that's different. I asked him so we could make out." Her smile grew wicked "Though I had planned on asking you too. I just didn't think Edward would have beaten me to the punch." She threw her bag down on the floor dusting her hands off happy that her small battle had been won. She had been at it with that thing for almost ten minutes.

"Whatever." I gave another pathetic shrug as I threw my toothbrush into the front pouch of my backpack.

"It's like a date." I could here her voice teasing but she was also looking for my reaction.

I turned round facing her "Don't say that." I placed my hand on my hip to assert some kind of authority on her. My attempts would never work. "He asked me cos he felt guilty. Not because of anything else so don't embarrasses him by letting him hear you say things like that." I warned her.

She had thrown her self down on the bed mid rant not really listing too much. "Bella, he did ask you to go away for the weekend with him."

"Alice, stop that right now. As a friend, he would have known you were going to ask me anyways. It just made him look better that he asked first." I told her as I sat myself down beside my bag on my bed.

"Ok, I'll say nothing. How come he asked you anyways? What was he feeling guilty about?" Oh crap. I had let that one slip out. That he did it in a moment of guilt and not just in idle chit chat in passing.

"You know what. It really doesn't matter. It was stupid." I hoped she would let it end there.

"Fine." She looked at me sceptically as she stood up checking she had all she needed in her purse as Edward and Jasper walked through the door.

"My lovely ladies." Jasper walked in going straight to Alice giving her a small sweet kiss as me and Edwards eyes met rolling at the awkwardness of being there in there romantic presence.

He picked up her bag off the floor before slinging it over his shoulder with his own in his other hand.

Edward reached for mine "Is this what you're taking?" he checked with me as he picked it up and following Japers actions.

"Edward its fine, I can get it myself." I tried to prise it out of his clutch.

"No, no, no, Bella. The men carry the bags for the Ladies in our family." She raised an eyebrow but some how I knew she was being serious. She wasn't good at lifting luggage and I doubt Esme's equally slender frame could carry much too.

I gave a tight smile to Edward releasing my hand from my bag allowing him to carry it as we headed to the car.

Reaching Edwards silver Volvo Alice and Jasper quickly climbed into the back seat – they weren't separating for the thirty minute car journey apparently – so I buckled up front with Edward. Alice was only too happy to sit in the back petting with Jasper, leaving her mini cooper in the halls car park for the weekend and not drive through the busy Friday night home time traffic.

We turned off the road into an almost invisible private road. There would have been no way I would have found it myself, not even with directions. We drove up the long and bending dirt road before stopping outside an enormous house of glass. It was like a fish bowl but I struggled to see anything inside with the light bouncing off of it. It was gorgeous.

Edward parked out the front of the building as I sat there looking up at the surrounding forest reflecting off of the glass.

"Alice your home is amazing." I didn't know what to say. She let out a little laugh at my gawping. I must have been.

Before I knew it my door was opened with Edward extending a hand to me as Alice and Jasper got out of the cars back doors. Edwards's gesture surely was for his mothers benefit. I couldn't imagine him doing it normally.

I looked around at what surrounded me. It was like nothing I had ever seen before.

A moment later we were greeted at the front door by Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett and Rose drove down themselves straight after class to avoid the traffic as much as they could.

"Bella, it's good to see you again." Esme said immediately wrapping her arms around me tightly.

"Thank you for having me."

"I was so happy Edward asked you. It was time he did something to try and thank you." She raised an eyebrow at him as his head dropped to the ground and I blushed at them still thanking me weeks later after the event.

I wished they could just all forget about it already. I hated any mention of it from Alice, not only did I not like the false image they painted me with as the 'heroin' but every time I would see Edwards face etched in pain in my mind and it made my stomach churn.

Carlisle embraced me in a hug too before we went inside with the men carrying all the bags from the car behind us.

"So Jasper, you're in the room next to Alice. I thought I would make it easy on you two for sneaking around in the middle of the night, you know making as little noise as possible. Just be on your best behaviour." She raised her left eyebrow at them knowing. She wasn't daft at all; she was on top of them and knew exactly just what Alice had planned.

Alice just beamed with a "Thanks mum." Jasper only gave a nod, obviously not wanting deny there planned antics and to lie to the woman.

"Bella, you're the floor above, with Edward. Since he asked you here, he can share his floor with you, he will show you where to go." She nodded at Edward to tell him her word was final and not to even try his act.

This woman was good. She must have toughed up over the years at dealing with Edward and his behaviour.

"Go get settled in and ready for dinner. It will be ready in about an hours time." With one last warm smile she was off to finish dinner.

Edward looked at me as he nodded his head in the direction of the stairs. "Come on."

Alice and Jasper followed us but only up the first flight of stairs. I trailed behind Edward by a few steps as we quietly climbed them. Reaching the top floor it seemed darker. The walls were standard, not long open windows. It was still light and airy but just not as much sunlight getting through.

On getting up to the top floor Edward walked through the first door, me following him into it. It was like his own private lounge. It seemed as if he picked its contents too. There was a huge flat screen TV with games console sitting on the floor with bundles of games and DVD next to it. There was a two seater couch sitting in front of the TV, a darts board on one of the walls. There were also rows of books to that I would be having a look at later on. He sat down his laptop bag as if it belonged on the spot where he placed it, next to the side of the couch.

"Edward this is great." I told him as I let my eyes wonder around.

"Thanks." He moved up beside the back wall with two doors. "Your in here." He opened up the door walking into the good sized room with double bed. It was a light blue colour and the light coming in through the roof made it glow like I was in heaven.

"This is nice." I sat myself on the edge of the bed feeling a bit nervous as he placed down my bag on the bed beside me.

"Come on, I'll show you where I'll be sleeping." He stopped for a moment pausing before shrugging "You know, in case you need me for something." And he continued on to the door that was next to mine, walking into a room almost identical but filled with knick knacks of a teenage boy. "Go out the living room and the door across the way is our bathroom." He gave a small smile as he headed into his room with his bag leaving me standing alone.

I stood outside his room looking around at all that was around me. It was an amazing house and for Edward to have all this to roam around in, I was slightly envious at the peace he must have had growing up. I wondered if it was Edward that had pushed for all of this on the top floor to distance himself further away from his family or that he just liked the silence.

"Bella." I jumped at Edwards's voice coming from behind me leaning around the door frame. "You know…Alice…She might get distracted and I did ask you here so…" you could see his mind pondering on how to get out the words. For some one who didn't speak too much when he did he seemed so eloquent but it always took him time to get the right words out. I think he was so use to giving out crap to people he had to mentally stop himself from being rude. "You can come speak to me anytime." He gave a small smile and disappeared into his room again.

My smile caught up with me after he was gone, and I was glad for it. I couldn't help but beam and him allowing me to talk to him whenever I wanted. I was going to get everything I could out of him this weekend.

I headed back to my room, leaving my door wide open as I unpacked to invite anyone in who passed.

Ten minutes later I heard a knock on my door, I looked up finding Rose walking in "I was sent to check that you hadn't gotten fed up with Edward and tried to push him out the window." I gave a small laugh at that one shaking my head as I examined the top I was going to change into for dinner.

She held her hands up defensively "No one would blame you." She let out almost slowly and clearly as if I was dumb.

"I haven't seen much of you this week Rose, what have you been doing?"

"I think the question is, what have you been doing? Edward inviting you here with him, that's in interesting new development," She eyed me up taking a seat on the bed.

"We'll I don't know..." I sat on the bed beside her "Don't tell Alice this, but we had another bit of a run in. Ok well I did something stupid and he went after me, make sure I was ok but he…well he got a bit mad. He was sorry, so he asked me here, you know he felt kinda guilty or something." I played with the end of my hair feeling slightly nervous about the whole situation.

"What did you do?" she looked at me as if I was crazy.

"Drove after we went for lunch last week.-"

"You didn't." she jumped up.

"It was an accident; I forgot I had the few drink and Edward found me and took me back home." She sat back down beside me.

"He's a sweet guy underneath." I remembered Alice telling me about Rose being raped and realized that maybe she had gotten to see the nice guy deep down inside of him too. I hoped she did.

"So he asked me and I'm here. He seems like he's been trying a little bit harder this week after all that." I shrugged knowing that his change of attitude might have been something to do with me crying on him. After the night I fed him he had still tried to keep his distance but he did speak to me when in my room and it gave me hope that the weekend wasn't going to be a complete disaster.

"Well just be careful ok?" she told me, confusing me as she stood up heading for the door.

"Careful?" I asked surprised at her statement.

"Just don't hurt anyone." She shrugged with a small smile. I had no idea what she was talking about. Was she worried that I would upset Edward? "I'm going to get ready for dinner." And with that she was out the door.

Edward had knocked on my door half an hour later and we wandered down stairs meeting up with the rest of them in the large lounge and gossiping about our week before dinner.

It was around nine when I excused myself from everyone. I was going to call Jake, and check in with him. I hadn't spoken to him all day and last night he seemed a little distracted and was just rambling on telling me how much he missed me. It wasn't a bad thing but he was making me miss him more going on about it.

Going up to my room to retrieve my phone, I pulled it out looking up at the screen. Seven missed calls. They were all from Jake and my mind went into over drive at something happening to Charlie for him to call me so much in such a short space. He had left messages but I didn't bother to check, instead I called him back string away.

"Where the hell are you?" he demanded, my mind froze wondering what was wrong.

"I told you, I was going home with Alice for Esme's birthday." It was what I told him. Why was he surprised?

"You said Sunday?" he huffed deeply.

"Her birthday is Sunday." I told him curtly wondering where his attitude came from. "Where are you?" I asked him confused.

"Half way back to Forks. Why didn't you tell me you were going the whole fucking weekend Bella." His anger was scary and I knew that this argument was going to be a lot worse then the one last week.

"I though I did." I defended.

"No you never, I thought I would come down and surprise you."

"Well I'm surprised." I was just as sharp back with him.

"Don't start, didn't you think that it was strange that you hadn't heard from me today. That I hadn't called. I had driven down as soon as I could to be met with an empty room Bells."

"We'll I'm sorry, what do you want me to do about it. I'll try to get back to the halls and you could drive back." I offered, hoping I would some how manage to get back tonight.

"I'm more than half way home Bella, It would be another two hours. I waited long enough for you. I though I would have had a call or something by now though. Did you not think I might have had something planned for today?"

Today? What was so special about today? I let my mind rattle away before it hit me like a slap to the face. It was out two year anniversary – and he had come down all this way to see me. I couldn't believe it.

"Oh god Jake, I'm so sorry. I forgot." _That_ should have been caught by my brain filter. _Don't tell him you forgot._

"You forgot? You forgot?" He asked twice in surprise.

"Jake…"

"Bella, I don't care, just…Bella, fuck. How could you do this? Have you forgotten about me so much already? I seen you three weeks ago and now you forget me." he was mad but worst of all he was truly upset and it broke my heart knowing it had been me that had caused it.

"I love you" I told him because I knew he needed to hear it. "You said all the crap of this year we would get through. I made a mistake Jake, I made the crap, we'll get through it." I felt like I was pleading. But I knew there was too much pressure here and that we could end up saying the wrong thing so I wouldn't. I would at least try.

"It's been a month and I don't know if I can do this. Bells I love you. I'm not going anywhere but you need to remember me, remember the little things." His voice was broken and crackly on the line and it made me break down and I couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed out. I felt almost empty with the pain I was causing him right now.

"I know you are." He was quiet. "Just…I'll see you soon." It was more of a statement I was sure of. His words were still icy.

"Yes." I told him firmly because I knew I had to. I wanted too but I definitely had too.

"Have a good weekend." he told me with a sarky tone before he cut me off.

I fell to the floor wrapping my arms around my legs letting the tears flow. I struggled with the argument. I never meant to hurt him, I just forgot. I knew I should have remembered but college life was catching up with me and my mind seemed to be concentrated on everything in Seattle.

I let my head rest against the bed as I tried to let the tears subside with the hollow feeling scored into my chest.

I _was_ sorry

But he was too mad to listen. I couldn't blame him though. He must have been devastated to hear I had forgotten all about our anniversary.

I pulled myself off the floor and into my bed, wrapping the covers around me, still dressed. I let the tears take over once again for another weekend and without anyone holding me tight this time, I fell asleep.

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**a/n: ohh more testing times for bella and jake!! **

**please review and let me know what you think!! chapter 12 will be posted 2mo!!**

**peace xx**


	13. Chapter 12

**_a/n: thanks again to all the new readers and of course the ones that have been with me from the start - it means a lot your reading...I'm eternally greatful_**

**_Enjoy_**

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**Chapter 12**

I woke up in darkness looking at the clock. It was the back of three in the morning and I was still dressed in my clothes huddled below the covers.

I got out of bed changing into my long pyjama bottoms and vest top before making my way to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, assessing my red eyes. I turned on the cool tap splashing my face with the water feeling my skin calm down from the sensitivity of wiping my damp face harshly earlier on.

Wandering back through to Edwards's lounge I looked around at his CD collection, which was huge, and then onto his books knowing I couldn't play music at this time of night. I let my finger trail across the spines, inspecting each one, one at a time. He had some of my favourites but there were also a lot of biographies. I did like to read a few of them myself and so settled on 'Heavier than Heaven'.

I stretched out across the couch, my head resting on one end and my feet on the other. It was leather and cold from no one sitting on it along with the cool night air that filled the house. I rubbed at my arms and bare feet trying to put some heat back into them before I opened the book.

I heard Edwards's door open as my eyes shifted over to his frame coming through it.

"I thought I heard you up." He was wearing jogging bottoms that I had packed for him when he was in the hospital along with a hooded top that I also packed.

He wandered over to the couch as I shifted up allowing him to sit beside me. "Yeh I woke up can't get back to sleep." I gave a tight smile knowing too well the reason I couldn't.

He gave one small nod as he sat down stretching his legs out in front of him. "We wondered what happened to you. Alice checked on you and said you were sleeping."

I tried to keep my eyes on the book to be able to lie to him "Yeh I just wasn't feeling well." I shrugged never moving my eyes away.

I saw his fingers at the top of the book, moving it down from my face. I looked up at him with his raised eyebrows, clearly not believing me. Nothing was getting past him.

I sighed before lifting my head up to his. "Me and Jake had an argument." There was no point in lying anymore.

"Another one?" he asked with an apologetic tone. I nodded letting my eyes fall back to the pages but not focusing on the words.

"Yeh, I…I forgot it was our anniversary." I shook my head in shame.

"Ouch." Is all he gave out.

"Yep…" I looked back up at him feeling my eyes water slightly. "It gets worse. He drove to Seattle to see me."

"Oh Bella…" he sounded part sorry for me, knowing I wouldn't be dealing with it too well and part exasperated for Jake I think.

"I know, I know." I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

Edward caught it with the pad of his thumb as he reached over me. "Christ Bella, your feet are freezing." He complained when he brushed past them, he grabbed hold of them and I relished the feeling of his warm hands holding them.

He clutched onto my arm feeling that cold too. "Bella you're freezing all over." He sat forward lifting his hooded top off and handing it to me. "Put this on and get warmed up." He demanded.

"You'll get cold." I told him

He shook his head, "I'm a guy. I'm tough." He gave a crooked smile with his arrogance thrusting the top at me once again.

I slipped it on over my head, feeling Edwards's warmth still on it, it smelled great too. It was huge on me but I immediately felt myself warm up. I was so grateful.

"Thanks." I told him letting myself rub against the lining enjoying the soft texture against my skin.

"No problem." He pulled at my feet again letting his hands warm them up some more.

"I'll be fine." I laughed a little trying to take my feet out from under his hands but his grip only tightened keeping them there.

"Let me make sure you're warmed up. All I need is for you to get hypothermia from my house." He laughed a little too.

I relaxed into the couch enjoying his touch. I felt my self ease a little from the thoughts that were in my mind and began to let them go, letting myself appreciate Edwards company.

We sat in a moment of silence as he concentrated on my feet, making them warm again.

"So, apart from that, have you had an ok time so far?" He asked.

I looked at him thinking for a moment. "Yes. It's been good. I'm glad you asked me..." I smiled.

"But..?" his eyes penetrated mine.

"How did you know there was a but?" I asked with a small chuckle.

He raised his shoulders and dropped them "I can just read you."

I chewed on my lip. I knew if I asked I would probably tip the scales and he would get pissed off at me.

"I was just wondering, you're still so quiet with everyone, why are you talking to me now?"

He just kept looking. I didn't know if he didn't want to answer or if he was just taking his time to find his words again. I just kept my eyes on him willing him to answer me.

"I…I…" he clenched his eyes tight shut and he sat forward, letting go of my feet. I missed his warm touch instantly.

"Don't go." I pleaded quickly, afraid that he was going to leave me sitting here and our relationship back to the start. I jumped along the seat, right next to his spot.

He turned to look at me. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella." His voice was low and husky and it sent a shiver through me. As he spoke he had placed his hand against the outside of my thigh pulling our bodies together.

We both looked down at his touch and he removed his hand as he sat back into the corner of the couch as I let my head rest at the back of the spot I had moved too, our eyes connecting with one another.

He was silent for a few more moments but our eyes continued to bore into one another and I felt the room become thick with some unusual tension. Nothing bad…just different.

"You're different from the rest." His lip turned up at one end but it wasn't a smirk or a snigger, he seemed serious still. "You let me speak. The rest of them don't give me time to get my words out properly."

I nodded letting him continue, he shrugged and looked away swiftly before meeting my eyes again. "The others talk and talk. I can too but sometimes I just like to check my words. Sometimes my head is making me say things I shouldn't be. When my condition gets bad, bad thing come out and I can be fucking horrible. When they push me to get things out I snap too easy and say things I don't mean. You don't push, even when I know the wrong thing _isn't_ going to come out, you seem to give me all the time I need.

I knew that he seemed to struggle with his words and I did give him the time to speak but I would never have thought that he was so self conscious about his words that he closed up around people.

"Jazz, does he do the same?" I asked knowing that they spoke.

"Not like you, he does, but I don't feel I need to be worried about anything I say around him. He's pretty easy going when crap comes out." He gave a small laugh and I joined him.

"My family they put pressure on me, they don't want me to ever have bad times, they know I can't control it but the wish I could. They aren't mean or anything. I think they all just struggle a little with it."

"But you can be mean a lot." It was harsh but I didn't mean it to sound like that though it was the truth.

"Shit, your honest Isabella." He sniggered. "Other people tend to avoid people like me."

"So if you're mean, people will leave you alone?" The question hung in the air but it needed no answer.

Our faces were close as we continued looking at one another and the honesty that Edward was giving was amazing. I placed my hand on his giving him some kind of silent support.

His hand felt like it was getting colder and I let my hand slide up his arm feeling his arms cool too. "Now you're getting cold." I told him off as I reached up to take off his top to give back.

His two hands clamped down on mine. "I'm fine. I'll use this." He reached across me to behind the far end of the couch pulling out a small blue fleece blanket.

I tried rubbing at both his arms as he unravelled it and placed it over his torso and arms.

I held onto each end of the blanket bracing it across him tightly and tucking it under him as I rested my head, uninvited, on his chest hearing his heart race then calm, making sure to warm him up as he did to me earlier.

"Thank you, Edward." I told him feeling myself enjoy my positioning.

"For what?" he asked.

"For making my night better." I gave a small smile to myself not being able to see his face.

I felt him lean forward slightly then his lips pressed against the back of my head as he kissed me softly. My eyes instantly closing and I fell asleep on Edward once again.

* * *

I woke up about eight, the new days light breaking in through the window, greeting me.

My head was on Edwards's lap and his cover only on sitting on the bottom half of his arms and chest now. I sat up gently trying not to disturb him. He looked so peaceful, almost angelic.

I paused for a moment drinking in the vision of him; I don't think I had ever seen him look so content before. The stray piece of hair that seemed to like to hover above his eye was teasing me. I reached for it, combing it back out of his face.

As I let my fingers rake through his hair, his head lifted slowly with a small smile forming on it as he woke up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you…just… that bit of hair likes to get in your eyes." I gave a small smile letting my eyes fall in embarrassment as my cheeks flushed.

"It's fine." He stretched out, cracking his neck out from its stiff position. "I don't mind."

"Oh god, you must be in agony sleeping like that. I'm so sorry. That's my fault for falling asleep on you."

He gave a small head shake. "Na, I'm fine. I slept pretty well actually. Nice and warm." His crooked grin on his face again, he looked up at me from leaning forward stretching out his back another way.

He looked adorable with it on his face.

"I should get ready." I told him but not really wanting to leave the comfort of what we had created. "Can we not tell them about last night?" I asked. "About Jake." I quickly added not wanting him to think I was ashamed of our conversation and sleeping together.

"I wont mention anything about last night." He gave a small smile standing up and I knew that he wasn't meaning only Jake.

With that he went to his room and I headed to the bathroom.

I was still processing Edward and I conversation as I dried my hair. He was so honest and it was so sad to hear. It sounded as if he had never told anyone that before and I could believe it. He was mad with everyone because he felt that they pushed at him, that they made him worse than what he wanted to be.

He knew that he struggled, he tried to deal with that but it was no use. He felt that he was alone in the world so he kept them away with being horrible to them, him not thinking that trying to explain would help.

Once I was ready I joined the others in the kitchen, Edward was already down, taking a lot less time at getting ready than me.

"Bella." Emmett greeted with his usual booming voice pulling me into him under his arm in a small hug. I placed my hand on his torso, taking the hug and he kept me there for a little while before releasing me with the little teasing from Alice suggesting he fancied me, Rose laughing as he protested.

We all knew he didn't. That was Just Emmett for you. He wasn't afraid of contact, a lot like Alice.

"So I was going to take Jasper up by Lafayette creek today." Alice told us. I knew she had planned to take him away, for them to spend time on there own. I didn't mind. Alice had told me about the place she would go to with her family when younger. It was about another hours drive out. They would be gone for most of the day.

I pulled out the seat next to Edward and sat down "Can we go a walk up through the forest?" I asked with a smile and pulling closer into him, feeling more comfortable than usual after talking last night.

"_You_ can go walking wherever you want." He grunted, obviously not wanting too. His chilly ego was back and my other Edward was gone.

Emmett leaned forward and gave the back of his head a hard smack. As I jumped up placing my hand on his head before he had a chance too.

"Hey…" I gave to Emmett. Gently scolding him, not wanting to seem like I was telling him off but that I didn't like to see him do that to his own brother either.

Edward pulled out from my hand quickly glaring at me and my action.

"Bella, he was being a shit to you." Emmett defended, Edward looking at him before back at me. He stepped down off the stool quickly letting it fall with a bang behind him as he quickly left the room in silence.

He was unrecognisable from the Edward I had spoken to not even an hour ago.

It was then I could see it. The pressure he must have felt under there eyes. Instead of slowly allowing himself to explain, they would have been on top of him just like Emmett had been moments before.

They weren't being nasty too him, they just didn't realize what he needed. And with it, Edward was now away on his own no doubt beating himself up about it.

"You can come with us." Rose smiled at me softly, I smiled back but I struggled to fake it and felt the small tight smile change to a frown as they went back to conversation.

I headed up the stairs making an excuse, knocking on Edwards's door and walking straight in knowing he would have ignored the chap.

"Need to get a lock." He mumbled to himself as I walked in.

I walked up to him with my arms crossed over my chest ready to do battle. I wasn't standing for it, not after he had been so truthful to me.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"That was Emmett's usual response." He told me as he lay on his back looking up at the ceiling.

"No, I mean you. What was that all about?"

"Bella, just…just go…Please." He asked.

Before I had time to think I kicked at his feet on the end of the bed gaining his full attention as he sprang up on his bed.

"What the hell?" he asked.

"No, you just don't fob me off. You were rude to me for no reason. You said you talked to me cos I listened so why did I get that?"

He swung his legs around and looked down at his lap as his hands held on to the corner of the mattress. "You did it in front of them."

"And?" I jumped in but I knew that he wasn't going to keep on talking anyway. He was closing up and I wasn't going to allow it.

"If they see us like that, they will ask questions…they will want me to talk to them, but they don't let me talk like you do." he ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

I sat on the bed beside him with a leg under me, facing him, looking him in the eye, wanting more.

He broke our look "They will push for more and…and it will just make me worse." You could see the tension in him as he ran his hands firmly up and down his thighs trying to expel it.

I placed my hand on top of his stopping his motions. He breathed deeply letting himself calm back down as he looked back into my eyes. He didn't seem mad, he seemed sad, almost tearful and it was heartbreaking to see him struggle like this. I wanted to hold him tight, wrap my arms around him and make all he felt, go away.

He looked down at our hands; he had an unrecognisable look on his face. He looked like he couldn't cope with the touch, as if it wasn't real and my hands would disappear. I slid my fingers around his hands, clutching them tightly rubbing my two thumbs across the backs of his hands just like how he had wiped the tear away last night.

Our eyes met once again and he seemed to wince slightly. I pulled his hands closer to me and tightened my hold. His head dropped and his shoulders hunched forward and he looked so lost and broken. It was all I needed to see. I pressed myself off my leg catching myself against him wrapping my arms around his neck and pulled him in close.

He sat for a few moments before he realised I wasn't letting go and I felt his arms wrapping around me too. We pulled one another in tight, Edwards head relaxing into the crook at my neck and shoulder. I could feel his warm breath through my t-shirt and his heart rate bounce across my chest. I let my fingers graze through the ends of his hair on his neck and he let out a sad sounding sigh. We sat like that for a good while until I felt his grip beginning to loosen, his body seeming to be filled up on what it needed.

We broke away, Edward struggling to look at me, perhaps feeling awkward at what we had just experienced. I felt no shame in it; I only hoped it had helped him a little.

His hands fidgeted and he ran the odd hand through his hair. I didn't leave his side.

I waited.

I waited because I knew, I knew that he wanted to speak and he was finding the words once again.

He ran another firm grip through his hair, pulling at the fragile strands. I reached for his hand taking it in between my two smaller ones.

He eased and he looked up at me. "Can I take you somewhere?" he asked

* * *

I struggled to keep up with him as we walked up the dirt track into the forest. He wasn't going particularly fast, it was just some distance. He stopped a few times letting me catch up when I trailed behind.

He hadn't spoken much since his bedroom. He stomped out of the door in front of the others with me behind him. I saw exactly what it was – an act. He kept it up until we were away from view and I could sense him ease into the boy from up stairs once again.

"Much further?" I asked taking in a deep breath.

He paused for a moment, checking his bearings. He looked around before he walked off the track into the forest, no track leading back down to safety. I swallowed nervously at the thought of getting lost but I trusted Edward and knew that he would know where he was going.

"Just another few minutes." He zigzagged through the trees, me continuing following him.

He seemed to stop without warning and I managed to stop myself from banging into him. I swerved to his side taking in what he was looking at.

It was about the size of a football pitch and it was perfect. We walked into the meadow, the grass reaching up to my knees and when the wind blew it swept it in one direction in perfect timing making the long thick blades of grass flicker different shades of green. Through the grass there were a selection of flowers too; most notable were the violet ones. They seemed to be doted about everywhere.

Edward walked into the grass as it dampened his jeans slightly from the morning mist we had earlier.

"This is incredible." I gasped following him into it. The walk was worth it. "It was worth the walk." I told him with a smile.

He smiled back at me; he seemed at ease here, like it was where he belonged.

"To me, this is your library."

It was strange to think that despite them being so close to the city you could still find this. It was as if I was back at Forks and I loved it. It was like the park he had taken me to last week. He had left this and the park was its replacement being stuck in the city and not just the suburbs.

"How can this exist?" I asked still shocked.

"I know, we live right on the edge of town and this is our back garden."

I had to laugh "Come to Forks and you'll see a real town, this is still the city…I think" I laughed at the surreal thought.

He nodded his head to the side knowing I was right. "It's pretty great, right?"

"It's like home, there is a place like this I hide out at too but it doesn't have the flowers." I shrugged.

"Maybe were more alike than I thought." He walked in further, crouching slightly to let his hands run through the dew.

He walked back to me, giving out his hand for me to take. I took it and he pulled me through it.

He walked backwards looking at me and I pulled my hair behind my left ear feeling suddenly very nervous at our new situation.

"No one knows about this. I kept it quiet so I could hide when I needed it." He shrugged, still holding my hand and walking backwards.

He took another step and stumbled slightly on a stray rock and he stopped. I kept walking until I was standing before him.

"Why did you bring me?" I asked. I wasn't sure why he brought me if it was where he liked to go when he wanted to be alone.

"So you will know where I go." He looked down at the grass. "So when I'm lost, you can find me."

I could read his euphemism clearly and it made me want to hold him again. He trusted me with not just his hiding spot but any future difficulties.

I held our joining hands up a little, letting our fingers clasp together, letting him know I knew exactly what he meant.

He gave a shy smile as he reached for my other hand and he pulled on it, bringing me to the forest floor to sit.

He sat with his legs out to the side below him and I did the same, releasing our hands, making sure not to fall over.

He stretched out through the grass on his back and I laughed at his posture and I moved similar, but on to my front, looking down at his face.

"Why did you bring me out here?" there must be another reason. I knew he wanted to speak, I just didn't know what about.

He rolled back onto his side resting his head against his hand. "I trust you." He whispered.

I felt a jolt of butterflies waking up inside me that passed a smile to my face. I was sure what he was going to tell me next. He felt comfortable enough discussing his illness.

I stayed quiet as I waited for him to start. "My disease." He began, breaking his look away from me. "I was born with it. When I was younger I had different issues, I grew out of them to be given others at the same time." He looked back up at me.

"When I was young I was sensitive to sunlight, that's how I live at the top of the house, where it's darker. It would cause pain and I could blister from it. I was lucky, it wasn't too bad, and it didn't leave me with any permanent scars like it could have." I nodded to him.

"As I became a teenager that stopped but with…becoming more of a guy…" He sighed a little, trying to tell me that it happened when he hit puberty. "The other stuff started. It messes with your digestive system and your mind. If I don't eat properly or get enough rest…or drink…" he rolled his eyes at that one. "I can have attacks, like when you saved me. If there bad they can kill you if you don't get help quick enough." He sat up, a little more serious now so I sat up too taking hold of his hand. "That one you helped me with, it was a really bad one."

He struggled to look me in the eye so I squeezed his hand tighter letting him know I understood. "If I get an infection it can happen too. The sick part happens a lot, that's just part of life and so are the pains. I struggle with them but I try not to let it get to me. I'm surprised I never woke you last night throwing up." He gave a tiny laugh and I pulled his hand into me after kissing the back of it. His eyes met mine with some surprise but I didn't let it falter my actions, I felt no embarrassment in comforting him.

"The other part is the mind. It can cause depression, hallucinations, anxiety, paranoia and mental disturbances. When I feel my self slipping in to one of them its hard to let people know, I think I will be fine and the next thing I'm shouting at them over nothing." He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "That's why I gave up. I stopped trying to fight them, instead I went with them, sticking with the attitude all the time so it would get so messed up no one knew if I was just being a total bastard or having a bad episode again. It makes me feel more normal, that even if I'm not a nice person at least I seem more….like everyone else."

"People pushed too quickly and I would try to give them the right answer but they wouldn't give me time, so I would snap, be aggressive. But then you came, and then you gave me time, you let me think. I wasn't use to it. You seem to know when to say the right thing, when I'm still trying to get my words out or when I'm done."

I smiled at him. "Maybe I can read you too?" He smiled back.

"I think you can. Alice can tell me things without words, I know what she is saying to me with a look, but all she ever does is speak, she doesn't let me talk much."

He let out a hard sigh "I don't…I don't mean to make her sound nasty, she's just Alice. I love her but she's always trying to get me to be normal and I'm not…you take me as I am. Do you understand?" he let his free hand pull at his hair and I let my hand reach up to it, taking it like the other.

"I think so" I smiled softly at him.

"I don't want to be horrible to you. You don't deserve any of it." I blushed slightly at his sweet words as I shook my head. "Really, there is something about you, you always put others first. You try to make everyone happy, you worry about them, making sure there ok. You did it on Monday, you fed me food until you were satisfied that nothing bad was going too happened to me." he gave a small laugh and I joined him at the memory of me practically force feeding him.

"I didn't want to see you like that again…" I tried to defend.

"I know, but even though it's not your job, you take it anyway because it's who you are, you look out for everyone, everyone else except yourself." He looked at me in the eye as if being told to take on his words and try looking after myself more.

"Anyway, the disease is called acute intermittent porphyria. They also call it the vampire disease or Dracula's disease." His shoulders hunched forward again and he looked defeated. I knew things were getting harder for him, talking about it but he was doing so good I pushed for him to keep going.

I placed my hands on his shoulders lifting his frame up as he looked me in the eye. I slid my knees further in the damp as I wrapped my arms around him again, recharging him up of the energy he needed. He pulled me into him, his hand running through my hair. He released me and looked back down at his knees, his hands trying to release his anxiety by gripping at his legs. I pulled his hands away again, fed up of seeing him do this to himself, to his body.

He started once again. "So my pale skin and the vampire diseased boy made for a good target at school. I tired to ignore it. I did well but no one wanted to be near me, kids being kids thought I _was_ a vampire." He rolled his eyes.

"It was still a good joke for them when I reached high school but by that point my UV sensitivity had passed but then came the rest of it. I became aggressive and jumping into fights that Em had to save me from, to cowering in classrooms for no one to find me. Last year was hell; there was no Emmett to keep them back so the first week back I ended up in emergency after getting jumped by four guys in my class. That was it, I had to learn quickly and defend myself. If it was one on one I did ok but if it was more I knew I was walking away with more than a black eye."

His shoulders hunched forward again and I knew he was spent. I would not push for anything else. To tell me what he had went through was a lot and he looked paler than normal for it.

I could see his body tremble and I pulled at his face, making him meet my eyes. He was broken and tired. A small tear fell and I stroked it away and replaced it with a kiss. I wrapped my arms around him again and he held on tighter than before. I stroked his hair, soothing him. He had come so far today and the sad part was, it was the first time he talked about it all. He had kept it bottled up for so long.

"We should head back, it's getting dark and I don't want to be losing you here."

We stood up, me taking his hand "You won't ever lose me." I smiled at him.

We took a few steps before he stopped. He picked a flower and placed it in my hair before he took my hand once again and led me out the meadow and back home.

_

* * *

_

**_a/n: ok i beg of you to review and let me know what you think about Edwards disease - like I said at the begining it is real! - thanks to my weird brother looking up strange things online, came across it! he thought this was what Twilight was based on since the vamps are not like dracula and all that jazz. Dont worry ppl he has been corrected - hes watched the twilight film more than me and I'll be dragging his ass to the pics for NM lol. _**

**_so - edwards condition - cheesy, cool, pants, too clecih (or however you spell that word, lol) just let me know - ohh and of course was the bella/edward contact good enough for all you die hard Team Edward lot - I know you have been desperate for more!! _**

**_more reviews - quicker the next post will be - its sitll needing a run over but wont take that long if your nice too me XD_ **

**xx**


	14. Chapter 13

**_a/n: ok thank you soo much for the response to the last chapter. I thought I would be good and get this one up ASAP since you were all so good but - Also I'm going to be mean - I want to reach 100 reviews so the next chappy wont go up till I reach it! - Ohh a know what a cow lol! but please review cos I'll be doing a little happy dance for the rest of the week if you do!!_**

* * *

**_Chapter 13_**

"Bella, dear." Esme greeted me as Edward and I got back from our walk in the forest.

I gave a smile and a small 'hey' as I brushed off the dirt on the mat at the back door before removing the dirt laden trainers.

She looked over at Edward and her smile dropped as she took in Edwards's tired expression. "Edward, are you feeling ok?" she wiped her hands off from the vegetables she was chopping and felt his forehead checking his temperature.

"I'm fine, just tired." He pulled back from her, removing his jacket as she continued to inspect his features with a glaring eye, clearly concerned about his health.

"Maybe you should have a rest before dinner." She told him as he nodded to her with his head hung, trying to avoid both our worried looks.

"Did you have a good time Bella?" she asked with the smile forming on her face again as she moved back to the task she had in hand.

"Yeh, it was really nice, a lot like home. I still can't believe you live so close to the city but still have that. It's incredible."

"Though I suspect it's still quite different from Phoenix, that's where you lived before, right?" Edward moved to the fridge pulling out two cans of coke and passing me one as I continued my conversation with Esme after thanking him.

"Yes. It's a lot different. At first I didn't like it too much, but it kinda grew on me." I popped the can open with my finger as Edward passed through the kitchen door, to I don't know where.

Esme scanned the door and the hall following it before she spoke again. "I hope Edward was well behaved to you Bella, and that you would feel comfortable telling me if he wasn't." she reached over placing a gentle hand on mine.

I smiled and nodded before breaking my gaze from hers, returning it as I spoke. "Edward was fine," I shrugged. "He does ok, really." I didn't want to give her too much information that could make her suspicious of our conversation but didn't want her to think her son was arrogant to me either.

I let her believe it was…civil. That we managed to survive it without any disturbances or her suspecting that he was opening up more than she knew. It was the way Edward wanted it and as long as he kept talking, he could have it.

"It was pretty tiring though. I'm a little tired myself." Playing off of Edwards's worn look from when he came in. "Is Alice and the rest back yet?" I asked. I wanted to see them but not just yet. I wanted to make sure Edward was ok.

On our walk back down he had been silent walking back as he held on to my hand before he let it go as the house came into view. This was his call and we would do it whatever way he wanted.

"There not back yet, perhaps you should make like Edward and have a little rest too." She smiled as she patted my hand in a caring motherly way.

"I think I might. Thank you." I smiled brightly before making my way out the kitchen and up both flights of stairs.

I held onto my can of coke pausing for a moment outside Edwards door pondering on weather he needed space or if I should check on him. He did look so worn out I worried more that he might not be feeling well so decided to check on him.

I gave a small chap with no answer from him; I walked in to find him lying out on his bed like he had been this morning. I took a sip from my can, feeling nervous at the new change our relationship had taken. I walked in slowly as he turned his head a little seeing it was me before returning to how he was.

I placed the can on his bed side drawer as I sat down silently, beside him. I lifted my legs and lay along side him, not talking, as he stayed in the same position.

He didn't seem to bother that I was there beside him, most likely because he knew no one would be coming up to check on us anytime soon. I slid along the bed further, making sure I was on it completely as I felt our two sides brush against one another.

There was a surge of energy transporting between us, our emotions clearly on high alert after all we had spoken about today.

His knuckles brushed against mine once again and I let myself enjoy the sensation as he did it again and again. It was teasing and wondered if he was trying to get a reaction out of me or if it was just simply him toying about.

His fingers reached around my hand as we both continued to look at the ceiling above us and clasped our hands together. He made another movement, making our fingers comb through one another's as we lay there in silence.

The awkward moment passed and I let go of the breath I never realized I was holding. I turned my head to his, him turning to meet me with a small knowing smile.

I gave a small smile back and I gripped onto the top of his arm that I already held, with my free hand puling myself into his side, giving him a small hug at his arm.

He looked back up and I kissed his t-shirt covered shoulder, hoping he was not feeling as worn down had he looked earlier.

He used his other hand to run his fingers through his hair, he wasn't pulling it out like he seemed to normally do but I let go of his arm, catching hold of his hand with my hand and placing it on his chest along with mine on top.

I could still feel the vibe I had gotten off of him on the way back. He was trying to let go of the negative emotion but it had drained him completely earlier that it was a struggle for him to even attempt to feel normal.

We hadn't spoken since we had arrived back home and there was no need. Everything he had wanted to say he did. So I embraced his silence, enjoying it for once. It wasn't the end of things to be talked about but we had made good headway for today and I was proud of him for it.

I squeezed his hand as I rested my head against his shoulder to let him know it as we continued to let the peaceful atmosphere bring some tranquillity back.

* * *

There was a chap on my door and Alice walked straight in sitting on my bed with a wide grin not speaking.

"What's got you so happy?" I asked with her infectious smile rubbing off on me.

"Guess?" She teased.

I rolled my eyes but played along as I pulled up beside her from my position at the top of the bed. "You and Jasper had sex in the back of the car?"

She laughed. "He's not that lucky." She bounced some on the bed.

"Hmmm…you got attacked by a bear and he came and rescued you?" I had no idea what I was to be guessing at, at all."

"Ok, your rubbish at this game." She told me. "He told me he loved me." she let out an ear piercing squeal as she let the moment pass through her bouncing on the spot on the bed grabbing at me, making me join in.

At this moment I felt like the squealing girls I would see at high school and for once let my self enjoy it as I was genuinely happy for her and it wasn't over a pair of new shoes.

"That's great Alice. So do you love him?"

She nodded her head to answer, though to be honest I never needed an answer. I had suspected for the past two weeks now. This girl had fallen head over heels, and hard. It was nice to see that she was getting back what she deserved.

"I'm just worried that Edward will freak out if…you know…I…you know?" she mumbled as she looked down at her hands suddenly shy.

"I don't know what you're talking about Alice." I told her honestly but gently hoping she would just let it out.

She began whispering. "We haven't…you know. I don't want Edward freaking out when we do, you know, if I want to stay the night with him."

"Alice, don't worry. He likes Jasper, they get along. He knows what happens. He will get over it." I assured her as she relaxed.

"Your right, I'm worrying over nothing. When that bridge comes we'll cross it."

"Besides, I think Jasper is a little more scared of Emmett."

You seen her eyes widen at the thought of her even bigger brother and it hit her. "Shit." She gave with a laugh. I had to join her.

* * *

Edward was quiet for the rest of the day, his tone that he showed at breakfast had continued in front of the others, not giving way to any speaking or speculation.

Alice and I sat and spoke as she played with my hair while Rose had me pinned down with a bottle of nail varnish. The two seemed concerned after my disappearance last night and were trying to get it out of me. Emmett and Jasper played pool as Edward sat in the corner on a large arm chair with his legs bending over one of the arms. He was quiet all night and I think he was still letting the day catch up with him.

I refused to give into the girls' torcher and tell them why I had ended up in bed so early. No one except Edward was aware of the shaky ground Jake and I stood on. I knew as soon as I was awake on Monday morning I was missing class and driving straight up there. This had to be talked out. He hadn't called me all day, not even a text and I missed him. My heart ached for him and how he must have been feeling.

"So did you manage to keep up with flash Gordon over there today?" Rose asked with a smile but never looking at me as she concentrated on my pinkie.

I guessed she was referring to Edward, I looked over in his direction and I could see that he had picked up on her question and he rose up his head slightly waiting for my response. I could only see the back of his head but knew he was paying attention to what was going on around him

"He let me catch up with him a few times." I gave a small laugh. "Nothing too bad."

His head relaxed back down at that and he seemed to be happy enough from my response with what I could gather.

Rose's eyes had followed mine as I looked over at Edward; I snapped my head back not wanting to seem too interested when I noticed her look. She looked back at me with a tight smile and I felt confused from the signal she gave me.

"I win," I heard Jaspers smug southern drawl roll out as Emmett let out a defeated sight.

"Edward, you're up next." Jasper told him.

"Not tonight." He replied as he wriggled lower into his chair.

"On you go Ed; you were to play the winner." Emmett chased him.

Edward stood up, his shoulders hunched down, turning to face us, he looked even whiter than earlier on. It was scary. He looked so ill; his forehead was gleaming with sweat. "I said not tonight." Once Emmett took in his appearance it was clear he wasn't feeling well, Emmett nodded as Edward headed out the door.

"He…he looked so ill." I stuttered out in shock.

"I know, he will be fine though, he just needs to lie down and sleep some more maybe." Alice told me, paying more attention to my hair than her brother.

I panicked that he was as ill because I had went to his room and kept him awake, not letting him get the proper rest he needed.

I nodded numbly thinking of him holding my hand when he should have been sleeping. I didn't realize he could get so ill like that.

"You know, I better call Jake. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday." I let out in a daze. "I think I might go to bed myself after it. If that's ok?" I checked not wanting them to feel I was leaving them.

"I think I'm heading soon anyway." Alice answered. Jasper nodded.

"Yeh, come on babe. It's getting late," Rose ordered Emmett.

"Ok, I'll see you in the morning." With that I was free to go and see Edward. Check he was ok again. He had me worried.

I got to the top of our stairs and I heard him being sick in the bathroom. He wasn't wrong when he said it was part of the norm for him, if he had been sick last night as well.

I gave an almost silent knock before I tried the door. It was open and I pushed in, then leaned against the door as I examined his body, flaccid with exhaustion.

"Not now Bella, I don't want you to see me like this." He told me.

I chewed on my lip assessing the situation. I could leave him be and let him deal with it on his own or I could try and help him be a little more comfortable as his body went through this.

I decided the latter.

I shook my head turning on the cold tap and reaching for a clean face cloth, drenching it in the chilly water before wringing it out as he once again threw up in the toilet before sitting back again.

I hunched down on my knees placing it across his forehead, letting it cool him down. "You forget that I've seen worse already." I smiled at him, trying to make this a little easier on him.

He gave a miniscule laugh and tried to shake his head. He was breathless and I placed my hand on his chest and felt his heart race.

"Is that normal?" I asked looking at my hand on his chest.

"Yeh, its part of the deal." He slid down more and closed his eyes. I turned the cloth around the other way letting the cooler side touch his skin. I wiped it down the side of his face and down on to the back of his neck.

He let out a deep staggered breath. I guessed it was helping. "Are you going to be ok?" I asked worried and I knew there was a hint of fear in my voice that I hoped he didn't pick up on.

He opened his eyes slowly looking at me giving a nod "I will be now." His eyes closed again.

After a few more wipes with the cool damp cloth I helped him to his feet and he brushed his teeth and took a drink, he seemed wobbly but the fact he could walk with how he looked amazed me. I held on to his hand as I led him back to his room. I wasn't letting go, despite his try at breaking our contact. I knew he was only worried in case we were seen.

He sat on the bed and he began to get comfortable removing his joggers he had changed into after dinner. "Do you mind if I take these off?" he checked.

I shook my head. "No, of course not." He continued taking them off, now sitting in his boxers and t-shirt. He lay back into the covers of his bed and you knew he was absorbing the cool feel before they warmed up. "Better?" I asked. He nodded and his eyes closed.

I turned to leave him to get to sleep and headed for the door when he called my name out in a low voice.

I turned round instantly, worried there was something wrong. He lifted himself up on his elbows and looked at me with his crooked grin but a little worn on him right now. "You don't need to look so worried." He teased. "I was going to ask if you wanted to stay for a little."

I thought about it for a second. "I better let you get to sleep. I already made you ill because I kept you up when you should have had a nap."

"You made me sick alright. But not because I never slept."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "I was worried that you were going to say something earlier, it let my nerves get the better of me."

"I said I wouldn't. Really Edward, I wont" Worried that he thought he couldn't trust me.

"I know. I know that now." He let his body drop back down into the mattress as he patted the spot next to him, inviting me across.

I took the invitation.

I walked over to his bed and got in it like I had before dinner, lying out beside him again.

"You sure you're ok?" I checked again, still worried and still feeling guilty that it was me that made him worried and ill.

"I'm fine Bella." He rolled over onto his side placing a hand below his head. I turned to face him "Stop worrying, you're driving me mad with that frown on your head." He smiled gently as he reached up and let his finger slide in the grove of my forehead.

I let his touch relax me and it smoothed out, Edward removing his hand once again and I missed his warm soothing sensation.

"Are you tired?" I asked because I knew he was.

"Yes." He let out in a whisper; I knew he didn't want to lie so he hoped I didn't hear him. "But I don't want you to go just yet."

"I'll stay till you fall asleep." I promised, knowing he would be asleep before me.

He nodded and his eyes closed.

He fell asleep not long after but I stayed some more, watching him sleep, his chest rising and falling as his partial opened lips took in the air he needed.

I heard a small beep from my phone and once I managed to assure myself he would be fine I pulled myself away from him and his bed and floated back to mine before checking it.

'_I love you. x'_

It was Jake but It was late and as much as I wanted to call him back I worried I would wake up Edward so I sent a message back.

'_I love you, I miss you. x'_

* * *

The alarm rang next to my bed and my hand reached from my balled position hitting it off.

It was Monday and it was seven in the morning.

I had to go back to Forks, I had to get to LaPush and see Jake, make sure we were ok. He said he loved me on Saturday and I knew he did. But I still had to make things right because they still weren't.

Yesterday had been a busy day. We had all spent the day together with Esme and Carlisle celebrating her birthday. It was great but Rose kept me close to her side talking about that damn Christmas ball that Alice had been trying to talk me into going. Apparently I _had_ to go. Now Rosalie was on my back about it I was sure there would be no escaping it but I was still fighting it out with them. We left after a late lunch and back through the Sunday traffic back to halls.

Alice had decided that she needed to talk some more about her and Jaspers situation of the exchange of 'I love you's' She should have been happy, and she was but there was too much worry of things to come after the exchange for her to enjoy it.

She had explained that she had never really had a proper boyfriend before, she had the odd date but being the sister of Edward and Emmett Cullen was a disability to her on the boy front at high school.

"_Alice, if he's the right guy for you he'll give you all the time in the word." I told her as I slurped on my iced vanilla milk._

"_I'm not worried about it so much, I want too; I'm just worried this will change everything when it seems all so perfect."_

"_Well wait until you don't feel like that. It's only been four weeks. You have already moved pretty quickly." Pretty quick was an understatement. It took me four months of being together to tell Jake that I loved him though I was sure I had actually loved him from the moment we had met._

"_What about you and Jake, you're perfect, when did things happen for you?" she asked then drinking down her strawberry shake._

"_We didn't rush things too much. I was just turned sixteen and he was only fifteen." I reminded her that he was younger._

_She sniggered. "What, did that stop you?" she seemed amused. I stayed quiet. _

"_It did?" she asked surprised. "Did the passion not get out of control at any time and you know…?" her eyebrows were knitted together at my silent revelation. "What about heat of the moment and all that Bella?" she asked sounding as if I had just killed romance with my own bare hands._

"_My dads a cop." I reminded her. "We waited until he was sixteen." I shrugged._

"_God and here I thought you had been at it from the word go." She sounded deflated but she was still joking. _

"_What have you been letting Jasper touch all the bases?" I asked with a laugh._

"_He's been close to a home run _so_ many times." She let out a heated sigh and I laughed as her eyes rolled to the back of her head at the thought._

"_It's the passion, you can't deny it." She told me as she shrugged._

I was happy she felt so comfortable, love was different for everyone. Some it was that thing that just took its own time growing.

I let myself forget about everyone else's relationships and thought about my own.

I was going to go home and make everything all right with Jake and me.

Driving up I made record time arriving at twelve, trying to get all the minutes I could with him. I wanted to hold him, kiss him and for him to tell me everything was alright.

Opening my front door I headed for my bedroom and gave him a text telling him I was home and for him to come see me. He texted back saying yes, he would be there when he could. I smiled and lay out on my bed waiting.

I waited, and waited and waited even more. It was four in the afternoon and it had been almost four hours since I had texted him and he still wasn't here.

I waited some more and it reached five. I began to grow nervous, I wanted to speak to him before I seen Charlie but I didn't think it was going to happen.

At half five Charlie had arrived in early from work. "Bells." I heard him call from the bottom of the stairs.

"Yeh dad, I came for a little visit." I walked down the stairs and he wasn't around. I found him through in the kitchen with his head in the fridge. I hadn't made him anything to eat or myself for that matter. All day.

"Sorry, I lost track of time, I can make you something?" I smiled trying to get past him at the fridge.

"Don't be silly, I can feed myself, besides, I'm heading to Billy's. I was just getting the beer; he has some of Sue's fish fry."

I didn't need to worry about him at all; he obviously had a good little thing going since I had left for Seattle.

"I think you might want to come with me? Talk to Jake?" his tone was gentle and I knew he knew all about it.

"Billy tell you?" I asked him.

"Yeh," he sighed "Billy said he was pretty upset."

I looked down at my hands, distracting myself with a corner or chipped purple nail varnish not wanting that look of disappointment from Charlie.

"I'm changing my shirt, I'll be leaving in five, you should come." I knew it was more of a command, that even he knew this would take some fixing and the sooner I started the quicker we could try to forget about it.

We arrived up at LaPush half an hour later. Charlie letting himself in the door that opened to the kitchen.

"Well, well if it's not the city girl?" Billy teased but there was no menace behind his words and I reached in to give him a hug as I seen Jakes face go from warm to cold as he seen me.

This was going to be a lot more work than I thought.

I walked up to Jake and his eyes fell to the floor, I heard Charlie and Billy mumble something about giving us time before they vanished to the small living room past the kitchen.

It didn't matter; Jake was quick on his feet and pushed past me and out the house.

I followed after him and he headed to his garage. I called after him three times on the way and he ignored my calls.

"Talk to me." I demanded as I followed him inside the garage, closing the one open door.

"Why?" he asked. And I didn't know what to say, why should he talk to me?

"Where were you today?" I asked, I waited hours for him and he never showed.

"Not a nice feeling is it Bells, not knowing where the other is?" He seemed to smirk as if he was amused he had managed to upset me.

"You did it on purpose." I walked up to him, slapping my hands heavily of his chest. And I did it again.

I was mad. I was upset, but I wouldn't let it show. He wanted it and he wasn't getting it. He wasn't getting tears.

"What I did was an accident, you did this on purpose." I raised my voice.

"Lets just say I _forgot _about you and we can call it quits" he still had the amused look on his face and it made me want to claw at him, make him feel the physical pain that he was causing my heart right at that moment with his words.

"You smug bastard." I slapped him on the chest again, harder, and again.

He grabbed hold of my wrists stopping me from doing it again. I looked at him in the eye and wondered where my Jake was. This was the pissed Jake, the one I didn't like. It was like he changed into something else.

"You're a bastard." I told him as I broke my look away, my voice low and I tried not to let any emotion show.

"And you forgot about me." his tone was as low as mine but his emotion sang through his words and I knew I had done more damage than I had thought.

I fought my wrists out of his grip and stumbled back a few steps before I sat down on the cold concrete floor.

My heart called for him, the tears beginning to flow out my eyes and I hated that I couldn't control any part of this.

"You promised it wouldn't change anything." I reminded him of the promise he made on my first day in Seattle, the day I moved down.

There was silence in the air. He stood there next to the rabbit, the car we had so many great times in. The car that kept all our secrets.

I loved him, he loved me. It wasn't going to destroy us. He promised, we promised. I needed him, he was mine and he was my family.

He stood tall and quiet, you could see the pain in his face too, if only he would give in, know I was sorry.

"You promised." The words were only a hushed mumble but he heard them.

"You forgot." And it was true. It was me who was wrong. Not him.

He stepped forward and crouched down in front of me. "I love you." I told him honestly with a sob. "I'm sorry."

He stayed in his crouched position looking of past my head, not meeting my eyes. I reached for him; pulling at his t-shirt and making him lose his balance into to me, making him land on me.

I pulled him in closer with his shirt and reached my arms around his neck making our lips meet.

He broke away "Don't you want to be with me?" I asked him.

"You know I do." he hovered above me as I leaned on my elbows.

"Well we need to get past this, let it go and keep moving. I'm sorry, but I need you to forgive me."

"Bella you know I forgave you the moment I texted you, I'm just upset."

I nodded, understanding as I chewed my lip before reaching up to kiss him again and pulled him down with me.

I parted my legs, letting him rest in between me as we tried to get closer on the cold floor. I reached for the hem of his t-shirt and began to lift it over his head. "Wait." He ordered. "Not here."

I smiled at him. "Let's just go with the passion." I remembered my conversation with Alice. I pulled him into me again savouring the kisses I got from him. I could taste the orange from the juice he drank when I came in, it was sweet but you could still taste a little bit of bitter in there too.

I reached for his top once again, pulling it off of him, him finally going with the passion between us.

"Wait." _Perhaps not completely_, I thought as he broke away once again.

He stood up pulling out a couple of blankets out of the car, placing them on the floor. He sat down, pulling me on top of him. "I don't want you getting cold." He smiled and I smiled back at his worried thought about me.

He began pulling at the bottom of my jeans, opening them up as he lay down taking me with him as I felt his hand slide down the front of my jeans going exactly where I knew they would. His fingers touching me the way they always did.

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_**a/n: **Ducks for cover ** Please dont hate me!! **_

_**like I said I have a story - it not written out but I know where its going - just bare with me!!! **_

_**Review and let me know what you think.**_


	15. Chapter 14

_**A/N:ok thanks to all those who reviewed and especially to ddgs17 who was crazy enough to review every chapter so it would be enough - this is for you my dear and also for sweetdreams82 - cos her review was so on the money - I hope my reply didnt scare you lol!! I actually checked incase I had accidnetly UD the wrong chapter and put up the one I was working on lol. **_

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**Chapter 14**

I had left Forks at the back of ten and I had pulled up outside my halls the back of one in the morning.

Jake and I never spoke much. After we made love we went back to the house and ate. He had held me and he had kissed me but he never told me that everything was going to be alright and I needed it. I needed him to tell me that all the shit we would get through, all the fall outs and the crossed wires would be worth what we would get in the end.

_But he never did_

He told me nothing else that would ease my mind.

I shut off the engine and walked in the direction of the steps to get into the building.

I seen a figure move in the shadow of the steps and my heart raced before they pushed themselves into the light revealing them.

"Jasper, you scared the crap out of me." I clutched onto my slowing heart.

"Sorry Bella, just couldn't sleep." He shrugged.

I sat down on the step beside him giving his shoulder s nudge with mine. "What's up?" I asked; I could see there was something on his mind. It wouldn't be unusual for Edward to be out at this time but it was for Jazz.

"It doesn't matter." He gave a tiny shake of the head. The look on his face indicated, clearly, it did.

"Come on Jazz, talk to me. I know something isn't right." I stretched out a little on the step showing him I wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

"You should get to bed; you have done a lot of driving."

"Your not my mother, now spit it out already." I was firm but I gave a light tone to soften the punch.

"Alice…does she talk to you about me?" he asked

I sat up again thinking of his question, of course she did, all girls did it. "Yeh, nothing bad just, you know…" I shrugged off.

"Does she want to break up with me?" he asked out of nowhere.

"What? Are you serous, no. Why would you ask that?" I didn't understand where he was coming from.

"She was a little funny." You could see him think back and try putting into words how to explain it. "She wasn't Alice, she was pretty keen on getting out of my room when I, well when I…" he gestured with his eyes.

"Ahhh." I let out, it made sense now, Alice was still clearly having some difficulties on how there relationship would change when they became intimate.

"What, tell me?" he knew I had the answer.

"Jasper, don't take this the wrong way but, she's just a little worried about how things will change." He looked at me blankly. "She thinks that it might upset the dynamics of your relationship if you go there." I indicated to the side with my head.

"She doesn't want to be with me?" he asked still a little confused.

"No. No…she does. She really does, she just thinks it will mess it up or something. You just need to speak to her about it."

"She thinks I'm going to dump her or something after it?" he asked a little hurt.

"No I don't think that, just that-. Jasper I don't know exactly. All I know is that she really does love you and she does want to be with you, she's just worried that it's all going to go wrong I think."

"So she really does love me." his smile coming back to his face.

"She really does, she just doesn't want to lose you." I patted him of the knee, reassuring him.

"She really loves me." he told himself and the boy seemed ecstatic at the response I had given him.

I gave a small laugh "Just talk it out with her, but yeh, she really does love you."

There was a moment of silence between us as I took in the dark night being filled with Jaspers wide smile. He looked like the cat that had got the cream.

"So did I miss much today?" I asked bringing conversation back.

"Not much, pretty quiet day today." He was quiet again.

"Though, you did miss Edward speaking at dinner without being prompted?" Of course the day I'm not here he actually talks to them and I miss it. I still had much more than them but I would have liked to have been witness to him speaking without Emmett or Alice dragging it out if him.

"Really? What did he say?" I was interested but thought that whatever he said would have been relevant to the current topic and wasn't too bothered.

"He asked where you were." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Interesting top floor was it?" he asked referring to where Edward and I had slept when at Esme and Carlisle's home.

"Funny." I gave him dead paned. He wasn't getting anything out of me.

"But you two are getting along better now? He must have talked to you at some point." Jasper asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Jasper, he asked me to go cos he felt guilty. We had a few words over books and music and that was about it." We did have a few words about books and music in the past.

"Ok but be careful, I think he likes you, why else would he have asked you?"

"Cos he felt-" I was cut off by Jasper.

"Guilty, yes I know. But upsetting people isn't something he's too worried about. What makes you special?"

"I'm not special." I huffed. I wasn't, far from it to Edward but unlike the rest, I didn't interrupt him or speed him along. That's all it was. Nothing else, the only difference was I gave him time to think his words out.

"We'll he did ask you, that's all I'm saying." He shrugged defensively.

"Jasper just let it go. Please. My day has already been crap enough." I held onto my composure in front of him.

"Things not good with Jake?" I'm guessing Alice had told the rest where I had gotten to.

"Better, but not great." I shrugged while playing with a stray stone between my feet, my eyes on it constantly.

"Keep at it, don't let it go to waist because of one silly mistake." He told me.

"Tell Jake that." I mumbled below my breath.

"Come on." Jasper stood up holding out his hand to take mine, helping me to my feet before releasing it again as I stood up.

We continued on our way up the stairs before separating at the corridor, slipping into our own rooms.

* * *

**Two weeks later**

"So what exactly is this for again?" I asked as I felt her hand below my left breast, scoring a measuring tape with a pen.

"I need real people sizes." She shrugged. "I keep measuring things for me and the models but we have to do another body shape."

"Alice, were practically the same size." I reminded her before she pulled the tape around my waist.

"Just do it ok? I need to make sure I get my grade." She scribbled down some numbers before she began to measure around my hips.

"Why not do it to someone in your class?" I asked.

"Because, you, my friend, will have an Alice Cullen original and will look great." She gave with a smirk.

"Oh, ok. What you making me?"

"hmmmm, not sure yet. Something..." She picked up her tape with the sheet of numbers and filled it into her bag. Some times I felt I would never understand some of the things that went through that girls head. "I need to go and see Em, I'll be back in a later, kay?"

I nodded as I threw myself onto my bed. This was meant to be a night that we did something together and here I was in my room alone.

We had a few catch ups over the past couple of weeks but her and Jasper had became even more inseparable since…well since things progressed. Alice Cullen was no longer an innocent. To be honest it seemed like she never had been with the stories she kept trying to tell me. They were more loved up than ever.

Edward had gotten the same raw end of the deal as me. He spent less time with Jasper and more time with me. Some how I just knew I didn't equate to Jazz but I tried to keep him entertained all the same. Edward and I relationship had gotten better. I had found out a little more about him, the real him and not just his disease. He was as Alice put it 'clever as fuck' and you could tell once he spoke. He could tell you about anything, he was musical too, playing the piano and guitar. Despite his protests of saying he wasn't very good I doubted it severely. The boy could do anything he put his mind too.

So our little friendship continued in silence. I felt ridiculous about it but he was adamant it stayed as it was. At any suggestion otherwise he would clam up and would be lost on me for the rest of the night so after that I decided he would do it in his own time when he was ready. I knew it would come, I was just impatient of when.

We had been civil to one another in front of the others, Edward even commenting in conversation with the others at lunch or wherever. You could see Alice come alive every time he did it. It was like he was coming back from the dead for her. It was sad that she was still missing out on so much.

But right now I was alone and not even Edward with a half assed conversation to keep me company.

I picked up my back pack, heading for the library deciding to finish off my essay that was due next week. I knew it was a little sad for a Friday night but I wasn't doing anything else just now.

I ran out to my truck in the pouring rain and headed off.

It was two hours later when I looked at my watch. It was ten o'clock and I was being chased out, I picked up my things after managing to complete the essay and headed back on my way to my truck. The librarian gave me a small wave as she drove out of the car park leaving my truck, the only vehicle left in the car park.

I turned the engine and was met with a small rattle coming from the engine before it stopped. I tried again, getting much the same response. I let out a small scream as I tried once again to be met with the same sound.

I let my head fall onto the steering wheel; defeated, lifting my head back up looking out into the wet miserable November night I realized.

I was going to have to walk back – _in the rain_.

I had a brief thought about calling one of them for help but Edward and Jasper were together playing computer games and Alice still hadn't called me after deserting me earlier. I knew it wasn't really all that far I could walk it in ten minutes, five if I went at the speed I knew I surely would be doing in the rain.

I jumped out the truck leaving anything unimportant behind and headed for halls as quick as I could.

I went crashing into the building quite literally, skidding on the wet flooring with my fast heavy footing and fell to my knees, luckily with no one seeing. I stood back up and continued on my journey to my room up the three flights of stairs. And bursting in through the door,

I was met with a shocked Edward. His pencil that he held in between his lips fell and he took in my drowned rat appearance.

"Holy shit Bella, what happened?" he asked as I reached for a towel, squeezing the excess water out my hair.

"My truck broke down." I told him with chattering teeth as I began swiftly removing my jacket, Edward now standing up helping me out of it.

I was beyond cold. My whole body was numb with the rain that felt like snow. It was a cold night, a struggle making it to your car warm never mind all the way back home.

"Why didn't you call me?" he asked his tone a little annoyed.

"You were meant to be with Jazz. What happened to that one anyways?" I asked as I changed the conversation.

"He's with Alice since she couldn't find you but don't try changing the subject, what have I told you about walking on your own. You should have called me." I let out a small shiver as he wrapped his hands around mine, trying to put heat into me. "Fuck, your stone cold." he told me rubbing them furiously.

I pulled my hands out of his grip, stripping my damp sweater off me. "Avert your gaze." I told him and he turned to face the wall. "Really Bella, you should have called me." he told me once again as I pulled the damp jeans off of my legs.

They were soaking and as much as I knew it would have been a good idea to get in to a warm shower, I was too cold to look out my towel and get along there, I needed heat and I need it now. I pulled up the covers getting in with only my t-shirt and underwear on.

"Ok, you can look." I called from my duvet ball.

He turned round looking at me. "You should go for a hot shower." he sounded exasperated as if everything I done was annoying him.

Worried that it may start something and knowing that at times he could still be a little flighty. "I'm so cold I just need anything right now." I explained my emergency.

He stepped forward placing his warm hand on my cheek, I basked in the contact and let out a content sigh. "Jesus Bella…" he sighed too but it was a lot different from the pleasurable one I had given.

"Move." He ordered. I looked up to him standing above me jutting his head.

I looked at him confused but said nothing. "Move over, you'll get hypothermia with your temperature if you don't get warmed up." He joked or at least I hoped he was.

I still struggled with his order though. He lifted up the edge of my covers before giving me a harsh move, sliding me across the other side of the bed as he climbed in with me.

"I…I only have underwear on." Trying to warn him about lack of bottoms going on below the covers.

"I'll try and control myself." His voice was deadpan as he wrapped an arm around my waist pulling me back over the bed and into him.

He was a little rough

But he was warm.

I felt slightly awkward at the contact but knew he was really just worried about me. His hands rubbed against my back as I let myself be pulled into him loving the warmth my body needed so much.

His hand slid down the side of me, careful not to touch any place intimate or close to intimate as I felt his touch land back down on my knee as he began to rub at the bottom of my legs and feet, thankful that I had at least shaved my legs earlier.

I laughed a little.

"What?" he asked as he continued rubbing.

"Could you imagine the look on their faces I they walked in right now." I laughed again only a bit louder.

"Bella, I'm trying to save you from hypothermia, get a hold." He was still annoyed with me, I could tell. He wasn't playing at all tonight.

"I was only saying." I rolled my eyes at him into his chest, letting my cheek press up against his heart.

He let go of my feet and straightened the both of us out, pulling me back into him once again.

"I need to get my truck fixed." I told him from no where.

"Rose will look at it in the morning." Wait, Rose?

"Rose?" I mumbled into his chest, I was a little surprised by this one.

"Yeh, she's into fixing up cars." He shrugged

I lifted my head up, meeting his eyes. "Really?" The tone of surprise obvious when I spoke.

He let out a small snigger. "Yeh, really." He placed his hand on the back of my head, pulling me into his chest once again. He left his hand placed there and I felt almost fragile at the way he held me. It was nice.

He began small strokes through my hair as I continued to absorb his heat. I was so thankful to him.

I let myself get comfortable against him. "Looking forward to tomorrow night?" I asked him about our plans of going out on Saturday night as another shiver ran through me.

He pulled me in closer if it was possible and began rubbing his hand at my side again trying to create heat in me. "It should be good. I heard some of there music on myspace the other night." He told me but you could tell he wasn't concentrating on his words and that he was off somewhere else in his mind.

I felt myself push into him closer, taking any spare warmth he had and his other arm tightened across my shoulder, with his arm across the width of my back, supporting me.

The atmosphere had changed, but it was still pleasant. Edward was quiet and had no real interest in talking right now so I never pressed him.

I could still feel his hand rubbing at my side but it was gentle now, almost as if he was soothing me. I don't think he had realized but his hand began to wander down my side slightly. My heart rate rose, I felt weary of his hand. No other man had touched me like that other than Jake. It was intimate but he was trying to warm me up. He wasn't trying it on.

His hand stopped but to be replaced with his finger. It trailed down my side and ran along my hip bone and back up. It was slow and gentle and I knew then he had no idea he was doing it.

He copied the move again, starting at the bottom of my rib cage, his warm fingers sliding over my cooler skin. My shirt had shifted up from his rubbing and I could feel my abdomen against the t-shirt he wore.

His fingers trailed down from my rib cage; slowly it was as if he was trying to tease me. His warm fingers trailing my skin and reaching my hip bone once again. His finger hit the bone and continued for a moment along the side of the top of my underwear.

I felt a knot forming in my stomach and my breathing stuttered. I tried to contain the thought of pushing further into him or hoping his hand would continue back along the line, continuing right along this time.

I shook my head at myself, slapping me back to reality at the thought of letting anyone else touch me other than Jake.

It should have been uncomfortable but the moment he touched me I began wondering what another's touch would be like. Would it be different or would it be the same.

It didn't feel like it would be the same.

"Edward." I called to him, pulling my face from his chest and he snapped back to the present and out of the little daze he was in.

"Sorry, was thinking there." He gave his head a small shake and looked down at me. I directed my eyes to his position, he couldn't see because of the duvet that covered our questionable position but he could feel where his hands were and in his moment of realization he jumped up in the bed and taking away his warmth and my knot.

"Shit, I…Bella. I didn't realize. I wasn't being funny." You could see him blush slightly and I would have of laughed if it wasn't for the look of shame that covered his features.

He stumbled out from below the covers and I reached for his arm. I clutched my hands around his wrist. "Edward its fine, I know you never meant it."

He pulled his hand back, determined to get out of my grasp as he looked down at the floor. "I crossed a line. I need to go."

I held on tighter. "Its fine, you were just warming me up." I cringed internally at my word choice. After where his hand had been it sounded sleazy.

I tried again "You were just helping me like any gentleman would do." I gave a small shrug and tried to lighten up the situation with my tone and look but I was no good.

His face was still hard, his jaw was set tight and his eyes narrowed. He felt as if he had done something wrong and he wasn't going to be easy on himself for it.

"Let me go." He almost shouted at me and the look in his eyes worried me, but they didn't scare me. I dropped his hand and he went racing out the door with a bang as the door slammed shut behind him.

I threw myself back into my bed wondering just exactly what happened.

* * *

When Edward left I didn't know when I would see him again. His avoidance tactics worked impeccably when he chose to do so and it wasn't as if I knew he would be heading to class. It was Saturday. We were all going to a gig tonight but he could drop out at the last minute if he wanted too. I just hoped it wouldn't be too long before I seen him again.

I knew he never meant to touch me like he did. If I was honest it was a little inappropriate but it wasn't bad. His touch was soft and gentle. His long finger trailing my skin sent a wave of something I had never felt before. It was intoxicating but I knew it was wrong to ever think about it again.

_I had a boyfriend_

Jake would be furious that he warmed me up, not to mention his touch, even if it was unintentional.

I looked out the window to see more of the rain that soaked me last night. I reached for my umbrella as Alice came rushing into the room closing the door behind her with a smile on her face that told me she was about to ask me for something.

"What do you want?" I asked in a sigh. I couldn't be bothered playing games when I had to try and talk to Edward.

Her smile dimmed but it didn't go away completely but I still felt guilty at my snap. "How did you know I wanted something?" she asked in an amused tone.

"That smile, come on I need to try and see about my truck." I huffed as I waved my hand for her to continue.

"Edward and Rose are already dealing with it." Her smile grew wider. "But yeh I had something to ask you. I was wondering-"

"Wait? Edward is dealing with my truck?" I asked surprised.

She nodded with a strange look in her eyes. She obviously noticed that I questioned Edward and not Rose.

"I was wondering-" I cut her off again.

"He needs my keys." I told her matter of fact.

"I gave them to him when your lazy arse was still passed out in bed." Her brows bunched together.

"Ohh." Was all I gave to her as I sat down on my bed.

"So…I was wondering-" I looked up at her.

"I could have called Jake." I added a little more aggressively than I intended.

"Yeh, get him to travel all that way down when your still on shaky ground." She huffed as she threw herself back down on her bed.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "He would have…" I protested, knowing he really would have, even if he was still slightly off with me. We just needed to work through it. We would be Jake and Bella in no time. He loved me and that was it.

"Bella, it's getting fixed, it doesn't matter. What matter is what I need to ask you, now only if your-"

"Maybe I should call him, you know, he does love me and maybe it would make him feel slightly better if he knew I still needed him even though were still so far apart."

"Jesus, Bella. Stop going on about yourself, that's my card, now listen I need to ask you something important."

I perhaps was going on a little, ok, I knew I was going on a little but I had to sort Jake and I out and I seen this as an in but Edward, bloody Edward, had jumped in and taken it away. Why did he have to do that?

That boy was always so concerned about me walking alone and my safety. Of course he was going to make sure that I had my truck back. He wouldn't like it if I did another walk back from the library. That, I was positive of.

She snapped her fingers in front of my face from her leaning forward pose on her bed. "Bella." She snapped.

"Hmmm, sorry. What did you say?"

"Bella." She huffed. "I was asking if it's ok if Edward stays in here tonight," she shrugged. "You know, so I could spend the night with Jasper..." She began to blush slightly. I had never seen this girl blush about anything.

"What?" I asked feeling confused.

"Edward. Sleep here. Me and Jasper. Naughty business." She smirked as I covered my ears.

"Ewww." I moaned. "I told you to stop telling me things like that. But yeh Edward can stay." I shrugged.

I shrugged

_I shrugged_

Then the penny dropped

Edward Cullen was going to be spending the night in this very room with me all night - alone.

No matter what had happened last night he wasn't getting away from me this time to run. I was going to find out why he acted the way he did last night.

* * *

We stood listening to the band play in the bar. They were pretty good. I looked around spotting Alice and Jasper. Jasper had Alice in front of him, his arms wrapped around her chest securely with her hands resting on his forearms. They looked so comfortable together, like they were there own complete jigsaw.

Turning I seen Emmett and Rosalie in a similar stance, both leaning into one another, not looking at each other but still completely in there own little world.

I looked around for Edward and couldn't find him. He had left us. I wasn't too surprised by that, he had been dodging me all day. He had managed to get hold of my trucks keys and get it fixed and returned without ever facing me.

No wonder Alice struggled with her emotions over him. I don't know how I would cope if I had a sibling that could avoid me as if I had the plague.

He was like a modern day Houdini and he didn't care whose feelings he hurt in the process.

I headed to the bathroom on my own, which was surprisingly empty, and looked myself in the mirror.

I scolded myself over the words in my head.

He was being difficult. But I couldn't fault him for it. It was who he was and for some reason I knew that this wasn't his act. This was for real and that he had no control over it.

I slouched down onto the floor and thought about what to do. I wanted something out of him. Last night he wasn't as relaxed as he usually is, he was firm and matter-of-fact. It was only when he detached himself from our conversation that he 'crossed a line' as he put it.

I walked out of the restroom determined to get back to my room, the band suddenly held no interest for me now. I headed in the direction that I had left Alice and on my way I seen Edward sat at the bar with a bottle of water in his hand. He was still here.

I walked up to him, thinking on my feet. "You enjoying this?" I asked.

H shrugged as his eyes concentrated on peeling the label of the bottle in his hand.

"I'm not feeling too great, could you take me back home?" my best sick voice I could give.

His eyes looked up at me and he looked around before he reached up touching my forehead. It was hot, but so was everyone else's in this place.

"Really Edward, worried in case someone sees you talking to me?" my tone was flat and short.

"You don't understand." He told me flippantly.

I didn't understand? I was about the only one who could. Okay, granted I really couldn't understand fully but I was the best chance he had. "Don't give me that," I huffed. "Now are you going to drop me off home or will I walk?" I raised my left eyebrow at him knowing his answer.

I had won this round. He would never let me walk home alone.

He stood up and headed for the door as I pulled at his arm. "I'm just going to tell Alice ok?"

He nodded and headed for the door and out to his car to wait for me.

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**_a/n: please let me know what you think - do you think bella and edward are crossing the line yet? what do you think will happen next? Review!! xx_**

**_peace_**


	16. Chapter 15

**_a/n: Holy moly!! keep up with the reviewing people - this is out earlyer to say thank you to everyone that has reviewed today - I am so shocked - really you have no idea! I didnt think anyone would be all to interested in my story but you keep telling me to continue, so coninue I will. I just want to thank you ALL - all the readers for making me one happy chick!!_**

**_Keep up the reviews_**

**_Enjoy!_**

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**Chapter 15**

By the time we reached halls I was terrified. Not of Edward, but his driving. He was crazy.

I opened my eyes, aware that he had now stopped the car and my eyes landed on the red stone that let me know I was home and safe.

He hadn't spoken the whole journey and I didn't attempt conversation. There would be plenty of time for that when I got him in my room.

He knew all about Alice and Jaspers little arrangement tonight and heard Emmett tell him he was to agree and not drag his heels or Emmett would be dragging him into a shallow grave. I wasn't meant to hear it, but I did and I noticed the look that showed that Edward wanted to fight him on this one but something in him seemed to be stopping him.

We climbed the three flights of stairs and I silently wished that the building had a lift for just tonight. The tension between Edward and me was thick and I would have liked if our small journey could go just that little quicker.

"I'll see you soon?" I asked Edward knowing he would be coming into my room to sleep. He didn't look at me he just gave a tiny nod as he looked down at the door handle of his own room door.

I wanted to reach out and grab his hand, ask him why he was so quiet and off with me. But I was sure I already knew the answer to that one so I didn't. I would talk to him about it when he came to my room.

I walked into mine, the room freezing. I closed the curtains and began to get changed for bed. I was careful to pick out decent pyjamas, shorts and vest instead of the usual underwear I wore. I didn't want to scar the boy.

I wandered along the empty hall to the bathroom; most of the students must have been out still as it was so quiet. I liked it, it was slightly horror film esque but I knew there was no Freddy Crouger in the shower stall waiting on me. I brushed my teeth and cleaned my face before making my way back to my room.

Getting into my room I reached for the cold covers and got under waiting for them to heat up and for me to heat up along with them. I sat up in bed waiting for him, he would be in soon surely, he wouldn't make this moment for Alice even more awkward by needing to be kicked out of the room.

A small chap on the door moments later let me know he was outside. I called for him to come in and he did. He was changed into a navy t-shirt and grey joggers. Silently he closed the door and without a word or a look, made his way to Alice's bed as I watched him.

Reaching for the light on Alice's side he turned it off and got under the covers then removed his jogging bottoms. He glared at me questioningly as his eyes flickered from me to my lit lamp. I looked back at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Turn it off." He ordered me.

I looked at him for a moment before I spoke. "I'm not going to sleep yet." My pose stayed and I continued to look across at him and him at me.

"I need sleep." His tone was off and I wasn't surprised but I did panic that I may have been causing him harm keeping him awake.

But I had to try.

I had to try and get whatever it was that was eating him up because I knew with the looks he gave me and the words he groaned, or lack of, that something wasn't right.

I got out of bed and headed for Alice's. I reached the soft covers and sat down, Edward, surprisingly moving his legs, letting me sit down easier.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, I kept my tone gentle as I knew charging at him would only close him off more.

He rubbed at his face with his two hands and his eyes did look tired, I began to worry again about any effect this could be causing him but I bet it was that worry that let him get away with most things in life. I wouldn't lie down to it so easy, the avoidance he managed so well. He didn't need to be up in the morning he could sleep all day if he needed too.

I was being a little hard assed and I knew it.

"I need sleep." He told me again as he looked at me blankly.

"I know, so tell me what's going on and I'll let you have it." I bargained and hoped he wouldn't get to mad at my demand.

Of course he did. "Just go away, you don't know anything." He huffed as he tried to pull the covers back over him.

I got onto my knees on the bed and pulled them back off him. My legs were straddling his and I knew it would piss him off after his tone he gave.

He jumped back up in surprise at my new positioning and grabbed at my waist with his hands lifting me off of him and back on the floor before he swiftly hid below the covers again.

Okay so he was pretty strong too.

I let out an agitated groan and went back to my original position on the bed and he kicked me.

_He kicked me._

I couldn't believe it, it wasn't hard or sore, he was just trying to shove me away but it was childish and I wasn't going to give up just yet.

Pulling at the covers again he sat up straight in bed, daring me to do it again.

_So I did._

"Bella, fuck off." He spat. There was nothing joking or teasing about it. He was firm and he was angry.

"No, not until you tell me what's going on. I know there's something. I can read you." I crawled a space closer towards him again and hoped I would be lifted off again.

"Well read this." And the bastard flipped me off. _Really._

"Edward come on, stop acting the dick. Just talk to me. Is this it, one of your moods or what ever you call it?" I didn't really want to call it what it was. I still struggled with the thought of his mind changing like it did.

He looked at me a little narrow eyed "Bella…" he tried to argue.

"Edward, how are you ever going to deal with this if you won't change your actions? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your days, closing everyone out. You began to talk to me now your closing me off. Why?" I demanded.

He ran his hand through his hair pulling at the strands for about the hundredth time tonight. I reached along taking his hand and removed it from his hair. "Please." I begged and I worried he would hear the crack in my voice.

"You don't get it, just leave me alone." He pulled his hand back but his look had softened and looked sad.

"Just answer me this?" I asked and he looked at me allowing me to continue. "Is it a hard time you're having just now?" He knew what I meant by 'hard time'.

He looked away and nodded his head 'yes' with a look of a broken man.

"I'm only asking that you let me help, talk to me, shout at me if you need to, just let it out. I can see you're trying to keep it in."

His head hung lower if possible and I reached his face with my hand pulling him to me, like the night he did it to me. The night when it was bad for me, he didn't give up; he fought me on it and made it easier.

I would try to make his easier

His eyes were shining like glass and I could see the trouble he was having. I moved closer to him and he didn't react so I moved slightly closer again.

"What is making you feel like this?" I asked in a quiet voice hoping not to scare him off.

"I…" he sighed deep and began again "I don't know, it just comes and goes when it wants too." He looked back up at me. "I could feel it yesterday but you distracted me for a little, it just seemed to go away you know…?" I shook my head 'no'.

I didn't know what he meant at all. I needed him to explain more. Help me understand.

"You need to tell me Edward." I pushed him gently.

"I could feel it starting, I was getting agitated, my mind clouding over, darker…" he stopped and I placed my hand on his arm willing him on. "You came in soaking and my mind was distracted, I…" he closed his eyes and let his head fall to his chest with a small groan.

"It doesn't matter." He shrugged and he began pulling at the covers.

I reached in closer to him. "Yes it does, tell me." I whispered to him.

The change in him was unusual. He rushed out from the covers and stood tall on the carpet, his two hands resting at the back of his head. Walking over to the curtains he opened them slightly looking out to the moon.

Following him I placed my hand on his back, to let him know that I had it, no matter what would come from his mouth, because this wasn't really him at all.

He cringed away from my touch as soon as I placed it there and he swung round, his face in mine. "I said it doesn't matter, leave me the hell alone." He yelled at me, his breath in my face.

I knew I still couldn't give up. I would try all night if I had too.

I placed my hands on his face and held him there though he didn't seem to fight me this time; it was almost as if he was absorbing my energy from me. His eyes closed and his breath stuttered.

"Listen, I know you don't like this part of you, but it's still you. I'm here for all of it. You can talk to me. You told me all about it because you trust me. Don't stop trusting me. Don't let this get the better of you. Fight through it."

I reached forward and kissed his forehead because I knew that if he seen me being loving to this side of him that surely he would know he could trust me for any part of it.

"Your soul, it's too good to hide." I told him with all the honesty in me as I smiled at him softly and he stood back up straight looking down at me.

I knew there was really someone spectacular under all of what he gave out. I had seen it piece by piece and I was damned if it was going to stay that way.

I reached up and clasped my arms around his neck cuddling him tightly.

"Your cold again." He told me and I laughed a little.

"I'll survive." My grip getting tighter and stroking the end of his hair.

I felt my feet being lifted off the ground, Edward lifting me by his grip around my waist and he carried me to my bed.

Reaching it he placed me in it and returned the covers up to my chin and he turned to go back to his.

"Edward." I called on him as I patted the space beside me on the bed inviting him to lie down with me.

He hesitated on his feet for a moment before he pulled back the covers, pulling me into him and warming me up as he lay down beside me.

I lay like I did the day before and rested my head on his chest, his heart rate calm and steady. It was soothing.

"So…" I began. "Are you going to tell me what happened yesterday?" I asked carefully with my head still on his chest.

He was silent for a moment before beginning. "You distracted me for a little yesterday." Another pause but I kept quiet. "When I see you like that I was worried that something had happened to you or that you would freeze. My mind just seemed…to concentrate on you. When I began to heat you up I could feel it rise again, the cloud drawing over me again, but then something happened and I dazed out. I don't mean to speak out of term but feeling someone like that, close, it just unwound me, and my mind seemed to clear."

I tried to look up at him in that moment but he held my head close to his chest that I couldn't. I knew it was on purpose so I let him. I wondered if I was having the same effect on him right now.

"I swear to you Bella, I never meant to touch you like I did…you know my hand…" I knew what he was referring too, his touch on my waist. "It just happened." And I could hear his apology in his tone. I nodded my head into his chest letting him know I understood.

"Can I ask if it's helping, you know us like this, just now?" I hoped.

"It is, though it's hard to let it go when I'm talking about it." He combed his fingers through my hair.

"But you need to talk about it too. You can't keep it in the way you do." I was firm.

"I know, but if no one gets me when I feel normal, they can't be disappointed when I'm like this."

"You know you're not as bad as bad as you think you are, I mean if this is it bad I can handle it." I shrugged.

"But that's it, it can get worse." He pulled me in closer to him and I wondered if it was to try and make him forget and weather he even noticed he was doing it.

I fought out of his hold to look him in the eyes, pulling at his jaw for him to meet mine. "We'll, I can handle that too." I told him firmly and without hesitation.

He gave a small soft smile and he kissed my temple before mumbling. "I really hope you can."

I looked into his green orbs and there sparkle had faded, he really was getting tired and I wasn't going to press him much further. The emotional drain on his body was heavy and like I seen when at his home it exhausted him.

His eyes fluttered closed as his muscles twitched in his back and arms and I knew he was beginning to fall asleep.

"Edward." I whispered to him. His beautiful green eyes being unveiled again by his black lashes.

"You know, when you feel like you need to talk, or even let off steam, I am here, I always will be. You can talk to me about anything. How you're feeling, just talk. Please." I begged him and only prayed he would take note of my words."

He gave a silent yes with the nod of his head and his eyes fluttered shut once again. I knew he was going to fall asleep but after what he told me, if being close to someone calmed him he could stay with me and hopefully sleep soundly.

His breath deepened and I knew he was out for the night. We had made some progress but it would have to wait till morning to see if he took any heed at my words.

Once again I let myself drift off to sleep in Edwards's arms.

* * *

I woke the next again morning to be met with Edwards's eyes. It seemed as if he had been watching me sleep. Most likely I had been mumbling in my sleep once again and I had been keeping him amused.

As soon as he realized though his head turned as if he had been caught out, I let out a small yawn, capturing it in my hand before acknowledging him.

He got out my bed almost instantly, making me miss the contact we had shared all night as I let out a little groan, unintentionally, at his action and he peered over his shoulder as he reached for his jogging bottoms as he crawled back under Alice's covers for heat.

"You okay?" I asked him from my bed, pulling his side of the covers into me, Edward nodding in response.

I chewed on my lip wanting conversation to carry on but it was clear he didn't want too do so, so I respected him and stayed quiet. I let my eyes wander to the clock and noticed it was the back of twelve. We had slept beyond late.

Standing up I looked out my towel and clothes for the day as I left Edward facing the wall still wrapped up in Alice's bed covers as I silently slipped out the door without a word.

By the time I got back Edward was now sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he looked up seeing it was me who had came through the door.

"Alice and Jasper are away for lunch." I told him. I had passed the pair in the hall as I left and said I would pass it along letting Edward know it was safe to return to his room.

He nodded again.

"Not talking today?" I asked with a small laugh.

Quickly standing "Not that it's any of your damn business, but no." he grunted as he raced through the door slamming it behind him.

I could only roll my eyes at his dramatics. I knew this could be all I got from him for a while so I wouldn't let it affect me. This wasn't really him.

It was what I kept reminding myself anyway. This wasn't Edward, maybe to others, but not to me. I knew differently. I wasn't going to let him deal with it this way but for now I would leave it until a more suitable time.

* * *

**December 1st**

By the time Thursday had come Edwards's dark cloud had passed, luckily.

Wednesday had been the day it rolled over and you could see him coming back to us once again. It was the first time I had heard him speak since his words on Sunday and left my room.

Walking into the canteen, I was met with only Edward. He smiled as I pulled up into the seat across from him. "Hey." I gave cautiously, still looking out for any turn in his emotions.

"Hey." He gave back with a small smile. It made me curious. It was as if he was holding a secret.

"Do you know where the rest are?" I asked looking over to the door and lunch queue in case I had missed them come in.

"They will be here in a minute." His goofy grin never changing.

Eyeing him up suspiciously "Am I missing something?"

He let out a little laugh and my heart fluttered at the sound. "You won't be missing anything." He told me quizzically.

I was completely bamboozled by his words. I raised an eyebrow at him and he laughed again as he bit into one of his fries.

I pinched one off his plate and he stole one off of mine. The sweet and genuine Edward was back and I had missed him terribly. The relief I felt within me as he joked about. I knew as soon as the others arrived he would be quiet but outside of my bedroom this was the biggest positive reaction to normal behaviour I had received from him.

His eyes left mine and his smile faded as the other four came walking in and straight to our table.

I turned around greeting them feeling giddy from my banter with Edward.

Alice threw herself down beside me and Rose next to Edward, the two seeming to zoom in on me. "So Cinderella, were determined to get you to that ball so instead of buying expensive dresses…I made you something perfect…and original." She winked. I was in shock. She had made me a dress so she could corner me into going to the ball.

Now I understood Edwards's words.

"Huh?" I asked feeling confused. Surely Alice wouldn't _really_ make me a dress so she would get me to this damn ball.

She stood up unrolling a dress from a bag and held it before her.

_Shit_

She _really_ would make a dress so she could get me to that damn ball.

"Alice…" I whined.

"Come on Bella, you need to go. You can't not go." She told me firmly as she shook the dress in front of me.

It really was gorgeous. How the hell she could make something as perfect as this I would never know. It was a midnight blue colour with silver sequence stitched onto one of the sides at the right hand side of the top half. It was low but not too low with a halter back finish. The delicate satin and top layer of chiffon was perfect. The dress would end below my knees not showing too much luckily.

I looked at the dress and as much as I didn't want to go, I couldn't knock back Alice's gift. I knew it would crush her.

"Come on its next week, everyone is going to it." Rose added.

"Everyone?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yep, everyone, everyone who knows what's good for them." She smirked at me.

"But you will all be couple-y." I tried to reason my way out of it as I bit down deep on my lip.

"We're going as a group." Jasper put in with a questionable look, clearly under some kind of order from Alice to back her up.

"But you know that's not going to happen. It's all romantic and all that and you will get caught up with it and I'll be in a corner on my own."

Emmett of course laughed; most likely knowing I was right on this one.

Alice looked crestfallen and it pulled at my heart. I was already meant to be leaving to head back home for the holidays on the Wednesday, along with everyone else who wasn't going to the stupid damn ball.

"I'm meant to be going home on the Wednesday." I tried.

"Your driving home, you can go a day later." Alice pleaded.

"But I don't have a date." I argued. She knew that I couldn't ask a guy out on a date because of Jake, and I knew she would never push for me to do so.

I heard a sigh come from Edward. "Bella, I'll be your date."

All five heads snapped towards him in surprise.

"You know…for Alice, to make her happy." He looked over at his sister as she jumped out of her chair and running around to him throwing her arms around his neck.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." she let out with a squeal.

He did it.

He had pushed through his usual silence to say he would go to the ball.

With me.

_The boy picks his moments. _

I rubbed my face taking in his words and Alice's excitement. I really couldn't say no now. It would be like dumping a sack of kittens into a river. Just cruel. I thought for a moment in silence.

Edward had agreed to be my date in front of everyone. I couldn't just say no, he took a leap doing that for both Alice and me and rejecting his offer would do more harm than good.

I smiled and nodded accepting his offer. "For Alice." I backed him up.

I knew if it was anyone else other than me he would never agree to it so that thought alone gave me a small glow knowing that he was willing to put himself through the pain of it just to help me through it too.

I smiled and hoped he could read how thankful I was to him and that he had just made my day – and Alice's.

Without him I would have been miserable for the next week knowing I would have to go alone to this stupid party.

I still struggled with the thought but with Edward by my side I could get through it.

**

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**

**a/n: of course I ask you all to please review - give me a good shock that my doc will wonder what the hell happend to my heart lol.**

**Annnnnnnnnnnd - what do you think will happen next and what do you think will happen when they go home for the holidays?? Answeres on a postcard ppl!!**

** ohh and P.S. - I know this is like a thousand words shorter than norm but they next chappy makes up for it - and let me tell you its a chapter you wont want to miss!!**


	17. Chapter 16

**_a/n: What's that? You want some drama? You got it!!_**

**_Watch out for EPOV near the end._**

**_Enjoy..._**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

"…I need to go…I'm sorry." I told him. "If I don't go now it will break Alice's heart after she went to all trouble to making the dress for me." The vision of the midnight blue chiffon waved through my head.

He gave a small laugh at my rushed stutter. "Bells, it's fine. Don't worry. It's only one extra day." but I could hear the silent groan in his voice that it would be yet another day before we would see each other.

"I'm sorry…" I told him once again and let the deep sigh that I held in follow it out. I couldn't help not sigh. One, for letting him down again and coming home a day late – and two, the fact that Edward Cullen was going as my date – though I did happen to "forget" to mention that particular point to Jake.

I had mentioned we were going as a group, which we were, just that Edward would be my date also.

"I'll see you on Thursday. We have plenty of time when you're back for the holidays" he tried to calm me but all I could think of was the tiny – and rather insignificant – fact that I never told him Edward and I were going together.

I nodded to myself, taking in his words, he was right. I would see him on Thursday and I would have almost an entire month with him.

Things still hadn't smoothed down completely after I had forgotten our anniversary but after the holidays, we would be back on track and we would be half way through our year of separation. Once the New Year was in I would be counting down the days until he was able to move to Seattle with me.

I lay down on the bed, kicking off my chucks, and biting down on the sleeve of my jacket, fighting myself out of it single handed as I listened to Jake tell me what he had planned for the holidays.

I smiled to myself in the plush of my bed thinking of being home with him for the holidays. It would be great. I had missed him so much. Everyone was great and a great distraction but I still always felt the void in my heart at not seeing Jacobs smile everyday.

Alice came in with a wide smile on her face, though honestly, she had that smile on her face all the time. She was lucky, Jasper lived around an hour away so they would still be able to see each other pretty easily through the holidays and Jasper had even planned to stay with her for some of the time too.

"I need to go right now." I told him a little reluctantly.

"That's cool, so do I. I have to study." He reminded me. His mid-term exams were still running and he would still be at school for another week after I got home. It didn't matter though. I would help him study, as long as we were together.

"I love you." I reminded him and he reminded me he loved me too.

I hung up, ending our conversation before I looked over to Alice. "Good last day?" I asked.

"It was pretty quiet, I don't see why you even made me go." Her groan was playful.

"Because you need to for a decent attendance record." I reminded her.

"As long as I pass they wont care." She threw herself on the bed beside her tote – she refused a back pack – and played with her black spikes.

Something was coming, she had that look again.

"So…" I tried not to roll my eyes at her opening words.

"So…" I mocked.

"Can…Edward…Stay here?" she let out slowly, clearly testing the water.

She knew that I really didn't mind Edward staying last weekend, despite his cold tone that had followed him around for most of the time.

She jumped in again with a few more points before I had time to make any decisions. "You know, I wont see Jasper for a good week." Her lips pouted sadly at that thought. "I just want us to have a couple of good nights together before we go home."

I couldn't argue with that, I knew how it felt.

Jake and I' separation wasn't something we could avoid. Alice and Jaspers could be.

I nodded in agreement and without hesitation because my heart had suffered enough, I didn't want Alice to suffer at all if I could help it.

Besides, Edward and I had been getting along better than ever since he agreed to be my date. We had become allies of sorts, both trying to fight the cold war against Alice's tyrant ways, we would joke.

He knew what his dominating sister could be like and sympathised with the torcher she had planned for me for going to this ball.

It involved curling tongs and vast quantities of make up. I shuddered at the thought.

She jumped up from her bed and pounced on top of me, flattening me on my back on my bed. "Thank you." she squealed in my ear and at some god awful high decibel.

I put my finger into my ear at an attempt to dull the ringing. "No problem." I told her getting back up trying to contain my laugh.

"So you looking forward to the ball?" she asked the loaded question. She knew I still felt like I was being dragged away for my execution (actually, my execution would be less painful.) at the thought of the ball but after her and Rose making the dress, and loaning me her 'ruin these and I'll kill you' shoes I couldn't say no.

And if I was honest, I wasn't dreading it quite so much now that I had my silent sidekick partnering me. Edward and I would coach each other through it, me trying to help him be a little more sociable and Edward trying to help me be…well... a little more sociable too.

That suddenly gave me a nervous thought. Would we both be on level ground with our social skills on this one? Perhaps Edward wasn't really as anti-social as I thought; perhaps I was the one who was socially inept.

I let the question wash over me. Who really cared?

It was a damn ball, I hated the thought of Alice using me as her life size Barbie but I would shut up and put up because at the end of the day, she had gone out of her way for me and more finally – I was her friend.

It was _only_ a damn ball. I could handle it to make her happy.

* * *

I lay on my front on my bed looking down at the lines and lines of writing in front of me.

Some how my love for English felt so mundane as I looked down at the black and blue scribbles that was my hand writing.

I did love it; I had just overdosed a little on it.

I heard Edward come in and with a soft click, closed the door behind him.

Kneeling down on to my bed he copied my posture and looked down at the same scribbles.

"You know Swan, all work and no play makes you pretty boring." He gently shouldered my shoulder and pulled at the pages before me.

"I thought if I made a start I would have more time when I got home." I had been hopeful, thinking I would make some decent headway before I went back to Forks for the holiday so I would have more time with Jake and Charlie.

I gave up and closed my note book over into the current book I was reading, lifting it over Edward and letting it drop to the floor behind him.

Edward's current position didn't even faze me anymore. I knew he felt comfortable with me and that even in his wave of depression last week he felt at ease enough to sleep next to me too.

I liked it too, I missed Jake but I also missed the others, there was Sam, Jared, Paul and a few others that Jake was close with and me also. It wasn't unusual for me to joke about with them, ok perhaps not share a bed with, but I felt comfortable taking in and using Edwards's testosterone presence as my fix.

I lay on my side taking in Edward next to me. "Just because you got most of your homework finished last night…" I teased him but it was true. He had been so on top of his work load he had almost nothing to do over the holidays except study what he had already done.

"Jealous?" He joked flatly.

I was jealous; he didn't even need to really study either. He absorbed everything like a sponge that he was told and read, and the information never seemed to escape him.

"So what you got planned for the holidays?" I asked him, fixing my pillow behind me.

He rolled on to his side too, facing me, folding my other pillow below his head as he relaxed into it. "Family, shopping-"

"Shopping?" I asked a little surprised.

"I still haven't done my shopping..." He looked a little sheepish at his admition.

"I'm not surprised, I haven't either." I admitted with a bit of an embarrassed laugh.

"Though I doubt you will have anyone dragging you out on Boxing Day for round two."

"Ohh that pixi." I laughed hard at the thought of Alice demanding him to go with her for the sales. My guess would be to hold the bags of all the clothes she would buy.

"Wait, what, she actually manages to get you to do that that you listen to her when the rest of the time you just try to ignore her?" I laughed even harder, trust Edward to manage to be so unbelievably cold to people but still carry around there shopping for them.

"I can't leave her; she would end up breaking or something..." He gave an aggravated sigh but I knew he was joking.

"What about Emmett?" I asked.

"He's to busy running after Rosalie." An amused smile braking out across his face.

"Maybe you will be left redundant this year, you know, Jasper falling into your place." He could only hope.

"I wish, she will still make me even if she somehow manages to talk Jasper into it too, the poor sod, he won't even see it coming." You can see a glow from Edward talking about them like this; I know that he secretly misses it.

His charade seems to be everlasting except when it comes to me.

Our laughter dies out into the air.

"What about you, what do you have planned for the holidays?" he asks intently.

"I'll be figuring out what to cook this year. All those men are useless." I refer to Charlie, Jake and Billy's culinary skills

"You shouldn't be doing all that cooking." he seems almost concerned. "To be honest I'm surprised they let you near a stove."

I laugh again and then give him a hard shove with my hand, making him wobble at the edge of the bed but I don't manage to make him fall. _Damn it._

"I like it, besides I'll know what they have eaten instead of more pizza and take away."

"You're such a mother hen." He teases again.

"Hey, what happened to the quiet Edward that doesn't talk, suddenly I'm missing him." I muse and he gives my shoulder a gentle shove like I did with him moment before.

"You know, I'm going to miss this." His tone was still light but he was a little more serious. "I'll have no one to talk too."

"You can talk to you family." I remind him that despite what he may think, they are there for him.

"Anyway, you can call me or text me too." I place my hand firmly on his arm "Remember that you can call me if you need to talk, to talk about anything, ok?"

He nods his head in agreement. "I know," he tells me curtly, he's embarrassed and he doesn't want tot talk about it. "But…thanks." You can see his cheeks flush a rose slightly.

I play it down and tell him "that's what friends are for." With a small shrug.

A shy smile played on his lips and he scoots in closer to me wrapping an arm around my waist and my face going into the top of his chest, his chin resting on my head.

I breathe him in and it's intoxicating. He does smell fine. His heat is radiating through me once again, warming me.

It feels like every time I'm near him I'm cold and he comes and warms me up, his strong arms taking me in to him.

I can't help but enjoy it.

His thumb strokes a small patch on my back where his hand rested before his grip tightens on me, his hand then running through the end of my hair.

His true nature of wanting to nurture comes out whenever his guard slips or for the few moments he actually lets it down.

The feeling of betrayal rakes over me at Alice and Emmett, I feel like I'm taking these precious moments away from them by keeping them to myself but I couldn't tell them, not unless Edward allowed it. I could never put him into that position.

I make a silent vow with myself to push for him to open to them more once I get back from after the holidays.

He needs his family; he needs someone constant and solid, fear fills me with what will happen at the end of the school year when everything will change for us once again.

This wont be able to continue.

From our silent hug I lifted my head up out from under his chin, my lips almost grazing off of his as Edward lowered his head down to look at me.

For a second there was a moment.

A pause.

A flash of some other emotion that filled me.

I looked up into his eyes, his breath heavy on my parted lips and a look of something unknowing in his eye.

His hot breath continued to hit off of my lips in waves. I could taste the peppermint from him, from the gum he chewed in the back of his mouth and I unintentionally lick my lips. My action making Edward gaze down at them before returning his eyes to mine.

My breath hitched and I have no idea why, I suddenly felt like I have jeopardized my kinship with him and any progress we have made by my sudden movement, all the time his peppermint still flooding my senses.

I swallowed hard at the compromise I have caused and let my eyes fall and try to slide further away from him but his grip on me is as tight as ever and I look up at him, silently pleading for him to release me and pray that I don't cause upset.

As I pulled away back against the cold brick wall, Edward stood up, pacing briefly before he sat himself down on Alice's bed and look across at me.

There is an urge to try and fix whatever the change in us was, for me to have Edward as I had him. Looking into his eyes across the room I see confusion at whatever mess I had managed to cause to make him feel so uncomfortable.

When he was close I could see everything, the look in his eye was different when I lay in his arms. He seemed content almost, comfortable.

That was before I managed to wash it away and replace it with this look.

I was glad when he lowered his eyes, I felt less guilty, that I had compromised us.

_Us_

What was there event to compromise? Would I miss Edward if he was to revert to how thing used to be. I knew I would. He had been so good to me, the illuminating power he possessed that I got to see on the rare occasion. I didn't want to say goodbye to it. He was my friend.

What I worked for, I got.

I wasn't going to let it fade back into the black.

I stood up and casually, 'jokingly' messed his hair on passing.

"Back in a sec." I told him, and I was out on my way to the bathroom praying for normalcy on my return.

* * *

The unbalance of last night seemed to fade. Not quite completely, but it did fade, allowing Edward and I to talk briefly before both of us turning out the lights and having a rather early night in comparison to our usual late night.

Waking up in the morning, Edward was gone. He had slept uneasy in Alice's bed and I had seen him stir in his sleep throughout the night, he seemed almost distressed but I let him be. There didn't seem to be any pain expressed on his face so felt that it wasn't my place to ask him how he was in the middle of the night at an uneasy sleep.

The now though, I had Alice and the menacing looking curling tong in my hair. It was looking pretty nice actually but she had managed to give my ear a small burn.

The burn was hot and the skin still continued to sting but I wouldn't let Alice see it so she continued on in her own little word unaware of my internal flinching every time she picked up the next section to curl.

"You know Bella, your going to look beautiful, you really should try harder." Rosalie's words didn't mean to sound like an offence and I nodded not even taking in her word. She was applying blush to my cheeks, as if it was needed. I tried to hide my red cheeks, not enhance them but it did look good. It was more of a warm glow rather than sheer embarrassment that usually covered them.

She took a step back assessing my face, and with another gentle stroke to my face with the blusher brush, looked settled.

"I'm such an artist." Rose's smug tone talked to herself and Alice and I gave a quiet laugh.

"The hair is almost done." Alice told me as she held on to the hot device that had my hair wrapped around it.

Alice and Rose were both ready and standing in there gowns for the evening. Rose wore a long white dress with her hair cascading down her back in similar curls to me. She looked like a Greek goddess. I could never look as good as she did.

Alice, well she wore a green strapless dress with a raw silk over lay making her look like Tinker Bell but without the wings. She also looked gorgeous. It was perfect for her elf like size. You could imagine small children wanting to dress up like the fairy princess, her hair remained in its usual spikes but the slim matching hair band set off her outfit perfectly.

Jasper was one lucky guy, Emmett too for that matter. The must surely pinch themselves everyday.

I know I did just having them as friends.

"So after the ball Emmett has two crates of beer in the jeep for the party." Rose told us.

After the ball the remaining students that were staying in our dorm was coming back and having one last party before heading home, hung-over no doubt, tomorrow.

I was looking forward to having one last night with them together before we headed home for the holidays. I knew I would miss them all terribly.

"Ok, so you're done." Alice told me as she let her fingers gently pull at some of the few curls, adjusting them.

I stood up and quickly changed into my dress, letting the material sit perfectly on my shape. The two girls had done an amazing job. I still couldn't believe that they would go out of there way so much for me. Looking into the mirror Rose gave a small wolf whistle and my cheeks roared with heat once again.

I reached over the two of them giving them both a hug at the same time trying to show my gratitude.

"Really guys, it's perfect. Thanks for making my life a living hell and dragging me out with you." I joked.

"No problem Bella, that's what we're here for, _to annoy the hell out of you_." Rose elbowed me as Alice handed me her shoes I was to wear.

I struggled to keep my balance in the heels but they did set off the dress perfectly with the silver satin that covered them.

"Ok now all we need is some men." Alice told me as we reached for our purses and Alice picking up her camera too.

We walked across the hallway, Alice walking straight in with Rose and me following her in.

The boys sat there in silence stunned. No wonder the two girls really were magnificent. The boys were too, they all stood dressed in there suits looking smarter than I have ever seen them before. The three of them were so handsome.

Edward walked up to me with a shy smile looking down at my appearance and said nothing.

The other two guys roared, cheered and twirled the girls. The two of them basking in the praise from there loves.

"Ok, come on guys, we need to get some pictures taken. Let's go outside to do it." Alice ordered us out.

Once we were outside Alice lined us up taking pictures of us all. She took group ones, ones with Rose and all the boys, me and all the boys. We had all jumped in several times taking the camera off of her so she could be in them too.

"Ok now we need all the couples." Rose piped up. I felt slightly hesitant at her words but comfortable with us being snapped together. It would be a good memory of the night.

Rose and Emmett were the first couple to be taking then followed by Alice and Jasper."

It was Edward and I' turn and Alice groaned at his lack of contact.

"Shit Edward, just put your arms around her fucking waist, she wont break." She yelped out half joking and half serious.

His grip grew tighter, what I was use to and he gave a wide smile as I looked up at him and he down at me and I worried if the smile was fake, that he still harboured the awkwardness of last night as Alice flashed with the camera

His smile softened and I could tell it was genuine. He motioned to Alice with his head and I looked forward as we posed for the camera.

"Where is the flower Bella?" Alice asked me.

Flower? I had no idea what she was on about.

"Sorry Alice…" Edward starred "I left it up the stairs." He sighed.

"Well go and get it then." She told him firmly.

"I'll only be a sec either that or I'll never hear the end of it from her." He mumbled into my ear, his warm peppermint breath back in my presence causing me to shiver.

He was gone, back into the building as the rest of us stood there.

"Me and Em will just head the now but see you guys there." Rose informed us, a little impatient to get to the ball as they started in the direction of Emmett's Jeep.

"Hey, wait up." Alice called to Rose before turning to me. "Is it ok if we just go on ahead with them?" she asked a little hesitantly.

"Sure, we'll catch you in there, get us a table." I really didn't mind that it would only be Edward and I travelling to it alone. He seemed to be a little more open than usual so it would be good to take advantage if it and have a conversation.

She gave a smile before linking her hand through Jaspers arm as they caught up with the other two.

I stood outside the building myself, it was dark cold and it looked like there could be some rain on the way.

I suddenly felt excited; I was looking forward to the ball. I would never have thought it but it really was a good way to finish off the year.

We would all miss one another in the holidays so one last party was exactly what we needed.

Edward and the rest had only been gone a few minutes but I was beginning to curse the three flights of stairs to our rooms. I was dying to get into the car and warmed up, if only Edward had left me his car keys.

I shivered on the spot and thought about the shiver Edward had caused. It wasn't like the one I felt just now. It was much more…pleasurable.

"Bella." I heard a voice shout my name and my head whipped around at the dimly lit entrance.

It was Mike.

"Hey Mike." I greeted him and thankful for the little company.

"Wow, Bella…your breaking my heart here." He joked clutching his chest making us both laugh.

He took my hand and twirled me under his arm taking in my appearance and making me blush furiously.

I stopped in font of him with a smile only to jump with fright at the door being banged closed behind me.

It was Edward.

"So you're not going tonight?" I asked Mike a little disappointed. It would have been good if he was there too.

"No, it's not really my kinda thing; I'm up for the party though." He added with a grin. "I'm just going to get some food to make." Mikes cooking was legendary in the Halls, not because how it tasted but he smell the boy could make in the tiny kitchen on our floor. It was too close to our and we would smell the burning every time.

Edward stood in silence as he waited for Mike to leave; he never did talk to him despite Mike greeting him every time in passing.

Mike left us too it and walked into the night as Edward pulled at my wrist and beginning to tie my flower around it in silence.

Something was off.

"Edward it's too tight, it's hurting." I told him as he pulled at the ribbon around my wrist.

He didn't apologize. He just continued to fix it but I did notice that he eased on his grip.

An awkward moment passed in silence before he spoke again, still fidgeting with the ribbon.

"Why him?" I heard him whisper out. It was so low and scratchy; if the wind had blown, his words would have been carried away by it.

Why who? I wasn't sure what he was talking about but his tone made my eyes snap up to his but he didn't meet my look, he continued to play around with the ribbon and flower, perfecting it's position.

"What?" I asked in surprise.

"Why him, you know if you were going to go after someone else, why him? Are you into him?" he snapped to the flower.

"Mike?" My pitch high in shock at the assumption. "Are you serious?" I pulled my arm out of his grip causing him to look up at me.

He was silent for a moment and his eyes shifted to the ground again.

"Edward…" he still refused to speak and we both stayed rooted to our spots.

His look was sad, angry and a little heart broken, at least that was what he was doing to mine. How could he accuse me of going after someone else when I had a boyfriend?

"Forget it. We should get moving…" he took a step in the direction of his car before I grabbed hold of his arm pulling him back to me.

"No Edward, what was that about?" I asked because I really had no idea where it came from.

"It doesn't matter." His words were whispered and tinged with anger.

"It matters to me. Tell me..." my hand gripping his arm tighter.

"I said leave it."

"I said no." I shouted. "Tell me now." I practically stamped my food of the paving.

He was silent for a second before he erupted. "Why him, huh? Why would you have to go after some one like him?" he shouted back.

"I'm not after him." I argued back. I wasn't having Edward start rumours that weren't true. Mike was a friend and nothing else.

"Don't lie Bella, I seen you twirling around for him, showing off. I just want to know if you were going to go after someone else why him, why not someone like me?" his voice shouted out and froze up after he realized what he was saying.

He tensed up placing his hand in his pockets and staring at the ground.

I was caught off guard with his revelation and stood in shock looking at him, praying that he would only just look at me.

I was his friend, hell I was barely that. He only spoke to me because I let him talk.

I was the one that wanted more, I was the one that wanted to be friends, he was the one that said we couldn't. Why was he saying this now?

I felt confused and I needed Edward to explain what he meant, was he jealous of Mike and that we got along?

Was he jealous of Jasper and Emmett too? What about Alice and Rose?

I didn't understand. What the hell was he trying to tell me here?

"Edward, what are you talking about?" I tried to keep my tone normal but my nerves showed.

"It doesn't matter…" he told me.

I reached forward clutching at his hand and he jumped back from me, shaking me off as if I had some mutating disease on me. His eyes darkened over and that cloud he spoke of suddenly came right over him again.

"Edward…" I reached for his arm this time praying for him to stay with me. Not to let the other side take hold of him in this moment because I really needed _my_ Edward right now.

"Leave me alone, go and whore it around with your buddy Mike, I'm sure he could warm you up better."

Tears pricked at my eyes, he was going for cheap shots and taking my happy memories of us and running them.

I trusted him when he had wrapped his arms around me, when I let him get in my bed as we talked. I was trying to help him. Be there for him, a friend.

Was he thinking of it as something else, I didn't think he ever thought of me as like that. Compared to the beauty of Rose and Alice I was in the shadow and no one noticed me.

"That's what you think of me?" I felt the first tear escape and I hated myself at that moment for allowing it to happen. "You think this is what I do, that I try and get every guy into my bed?"

"It's sounding like that Bella. Have I bored you already, looking for the next bit of entertainment for the next term?"

"Mike is a friend, the same as I thought you were."

"So is that a yes to trying to get him into your bed too?" He seemed disgusted by me and in that moment I felt dirty, that I had betrayed him, and that Edward and I' secret was exactly that – a dirty little secret.

I turned on my heels and headed back into the dorm racing up the stairs finally allowing the tears to fall freely.

I felt exhausted as I ran up the steps letting my heart sob out its tears but I wouldn't slow down, not for fear of Edward.

I heard him call my name as I continued on my way before stopping letting him catch up with me outside my room.

"You know I thought you were my friend, I thought I could trust you," I shouted before I softened. "You let me think I was helping you but all the time you were taking advantage-"

"I was taking advantage! You screwed me over; you led me on thinking I could trust you. What is it? Laughing behind my back with my family fun for you?"

"You are a dick Edward. I have not told a soul a word about anything, I was there, I listened to you, I was foolish enough to come and think I could speak to you too." I pointed my finger in his chest.

I really did, I felt I was becoming to grow closer to Edward, even more so than Alice with all the time and secrets we had kept between us.

"I wanted you and you have to want Mike, fucking Mike of all people." He shouted at me.

"I don't want him, I and certainly don't want you. I have some one and you're just too pissed off that for the first time in your life you can't bully or shout your way to get something. That you can't just demand me." I spat at him as opened my door walking in. "And if I had wanted someone else, I would want someone half fucking normal for a start." Slamming the door closed behind me leaving Edward in the hallway.

"Burn in hell, Bella." He screamed at me from thought the door.

I knew it was a low blow but he was going all out so, so was I. He let himself get carried away with his anger. I _knew_ he struggled with it but he could have tried to contain it. It was his issues over Mike that had started it.

He had basically called me a slut. I was thankful that the halls were empty and no one else heard our screaming match.

I threw myself down on my bed and I let the tears wrack me. I was in agony with them and the struggle was too much. I couldn't breathe properly. I opened the window letting the fresh air into my lungs before I got too cold and closed it again.

I picked up my mobile to call a frantic Alice at the sound of my voice. I assured her it wasn't as bad as it was and that she was to have a good night that I just needed to go to bed and sleep.

I let the tears continue solid for another half hour as I lay out in my bed, my dress still on with my MP3 in the hope that if Edward decided to have round two, I wouldn't hear him.

I let myself fall asleep like that; I was too tired to care about anything else right now.

* * *

**EPOV**

**Two hours later**

I couldn't believe it happened.

I couldn't believe the words that came out of my fucking mouth.

I couldn't believe I could accuse her of the things I did.

I paced the floor in my damn shirt and trousers of the suit that Alice made me buy for this stupid thing. All so I could take Bella to the ball. I didn't want to go, Bella didn't want to go, but if she had to do it for Alice, it was the least I could do. I knew what my sister could be like and Bella would be forgotten all about, for Jasper.

I squeezed the bridge of my nose praying to ease the tension from my body but it would never fucking work. Not now.

I had screwed up and I had done it superbly.

I seen her twirl under Mikes arm while he eye fucked her and she smiled at him for it.

_Smiled._

Was she into him, I knew they got along, but I couldn't believe I let my jealousy screw up our night. It was meant to be a good night. I could hold her as we danced and our conversation would have gone unnoticed by the others and it would have been my chance to feel like we had really grew together.

I could smell the smoke from the kitchen with Mike and his damn munchies. I could only be thankful for the student who managed to tamper with the fire alarm in this old building – it sure as hell beat having to drag my ass outside in the middle of the night.

I should go along there and hit him, or something. But it's not even his fault, he doesn't even have a clue what happed. It was all in my head.

I just couldn't bare the thought of someone like him touching her; it was bad enough that she had _that_ boyfriend of hers.

She made a mistake with him and he pulls it out and uses it to bend her, to get her to drive off to him begging for forgiveness.

He should have taken that she was sorry, because there was not one bad bone in her body, not one that would have caused her to try and inflict pain.

Though to be fair she did give good tonight. But it wasn't anything that I didn't deserve. I had caused her to cry. I made her.

When I walked into her crying after Jake and she had fallen out all I wanted to do was to try and make it better for her to just have that smile on her face again. Take out whatever had caused the pain I seen in her eyes. Even if it was Jake.

She had done the same for me in hospital. She held on to me like I held on to her.

I threw myself back into my bed with the vision of Bella in her dress, she looked breath taking, she always did, but that dress…

I tried to let the vision of her go, forget about her. It was all done for now. I thought I could be her friend, what the fuck were anyway?

I wanted her and told her so. All she did was shout at me telling me I couldn't have her. That she had _him_.

I can't believe she said I was taking advantage of her, _me_ taking advantage. It was her that let me think I could go to her, her that wrapped her arms around me. Not even forgetting it was fucking her that kissed me in the hospital.

She sat there innocent and believing that she was right.

Maybe she was

Maybe I was the one who was wrong – was it wrong of me to want something else, for me to feel more than I did.

She has him, I know that, but she let me be in her bed with her, it was bloody me who warmed her up and helped get her car fixed and she could ignore what she needed too when I was acting the dick. We fitted.

Least I thought we were fitting.

I seen a cloud of black pass at the side of my feet with the smoke getting stronger.

What the hell had Mike done this time?

I shot up quickly reaching for the handle and quickly pulling away from the heat that came from it. It wasn't boiling but what was on the other side had me worried.

I opened the door quickly with a cloud of black pushing through as I began to choke.

I ducked to the floor looking above me as flames spread into my room on the ceiling that I had been looking up at moments ago.

I looked back out to the hall and it was black with smoke but could see flames lick along Mike's room wall and passing along onto Bella's room.

I looked up from the floor at the door in front of me. The one she slammed only a couple of hours ago.

It was still closed.

My heart raced and my only thought was Bella.

* * *

**_**runs and hides, screaming 'please review' **_**

**_a/n: EEK! Really, who seen that one comming? I'm sorry to leave you like that - but please leave a review telling me what you think and if you liked. - Sorry but having them go to the ball together was just too cliche for me!! They were never going to the ball together._**

**_peace _**

**_xx_**


	18. Chapter 17

**_a/n: thanks to all that reviewed and especilty to the ppl that I couldnt reply too - you comments mean a lot so thank you! also MonicaGreen - girl your right on the money with your comment about Jake - lol please dont kill me - She is the only one to relize Jake still has another two story months to go. But you will have sooo much Edward and Bella so dont worry. _**

**_Also this chapter is still EPOV - no change back to Bella yet._**

**_Enjoy_**

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* * *

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**Chapter 17**

**EPOV**

I lifted my self off the floor hesitantly. I didn't know what I was waiting on.

Fear, perhaps.

Fear of how I would find her, fear of her being hurt in this.

I choked on the smoke, feeling it fill my lungs and knew that if I didn't try to get rid of it somehow neither of us was getting out of here alive.

Walking to the end wall I crashed my hand thorough the old stained glass window twice, taking in all the clean air I could manage before letting my mind focus.

I moved quickly to the door snapping myself back to reality. I had to try and help her.

I tried turning the door handle but it was no use, it was locked. She must have been asleep not to notice the smoke and it could only be worse on her side if it wasn't already alight with fire.

I could feel the heat and panic build simultaneously and I shouldered the door in an attempt to open it. I failed.

I stood back before taking all the energy I had in me and slammed my foot against the door, wincing in pain that my bare foot felt and the shock that travelled through my leg but it didn't slow me down any.

The door flew open and more black smoke filled my lungs, I coughed it out trying to hold my breath before I stepped in.

I stood in shock at the wall that was on fire, it had came through from Mikes room and within seconds I seen Alice's bed burst into flames from along the wall.

I looked down at the carpet and knew it was going to go any second.

I turned to find Bella slumped on her bed, it looked like she had tried to move but the smoke must have become too much for her.

I pulled at her, lifting her, hooking my arm below her legs and holding her top half close to me before I made it out of the room as fast as I could.

I moved to the window, holding her there for a few seconds, letting her get fresh air and praying she was still alive, that she wasn't already gone.

I heard roars and cracks coming from along the hall knowing that I needed to get out of here right now as flames licked out of Mikes door and the wooden panel lighting up with fire.

There was no way I could get in to there; I couldn't save him and Bella. At least if I cut my losses just now I could have Bella safe.

I fled along the hall knowing what I had to do.

I struggled to breath with my lungs stinging and I ran along the corridor and down the first light of stairs.

I stopped with Bella in my arms and I tried to wake her, I needed her to open her eyes, for me to know she was ok, that she was still alive.

"Bella." I shook her hard in my arms and her eyes momentarily flickered open then closed, I called her again with much the same reaction.

The smoke didn't seem to manage to reach the stairs too much yet and I took my chance to try and go back for Mike.

Placing her down on the stairs I kissed the back of her hand and promised I would be right back.

Running into the hall again I was thrown to my feet with flames that burst out of Mike's room and more of the smoke I couldn't help but choke on.

I tried to keep to the floor, as I crawled along to the room door. It wasn't there anymore; it had collapsed into lit rubble into the hall and in the room. I looked around trying to find him but the fire burned at my eyes and it was no use.

The hall way was entirely filled with the smoke and the tiredness that overcame me indicated I didn't have time to stay.

I ran back out into the stairs with the flames following me all the way out but they seemed to stop with the fire door I swung closed behind me.

I raced down the first flight and found Bella exactly as I had left her but had to get her out quick. The fire was bound to get through the doors soon and the smoke had already begun to fill the stairwell.

I held her close to me once again as I raced down the remaining two flights of stairs before breaking out the main entrance and into the parking lot.

It was freezing but my body relished it cooling down from the adrenalin and the fire.

I had nothing to keep Bella warm with so I sat down and held onto her as tight as I could, her only wearing the dress that Alice and Rose had made for her, everything else that belonged to her was up in flames, it would all just be ash by now.

I rubbed at her arms as I tried to keep the heat in her, save her from freezing.

I held her close and could hear her shallow breaths and thanked god that she was still alive.

Looking up to the building I seen the flames empty out the glass of the window in me and Jaspers room along with the room next to that and the one next to that. The fire would have completely consumed our section and nothing was getting out of there alive anymore.

I could only think of Mike and with that I pulled Bella closer, trying to warm up her bare feet.

At least I had managed to get her out alive.

* * *

People had swarmed us within minutes but I refused to acknowledge any of them. No one could help Bella until an ambulance arrived so I wasn't letting go of her. Though there was some couple who had given us there coats that I returned them to them as soon as the paramedics looked over us and was loading Bella in.

Everything was a haze, the fire-fighters, the paramedics even the gawping crowd that surrounded us. I just couldn't focus on anything but Bella. I kept my fingers on her pulse points keeping a steady eye on her heart rate hoping that the smoke that had filled her lungs hadn't don't too much damage.

I held on to her hand the entire journey to the hospital, directing them to Seattle Grace knowing I could get my father if he was in, if not that they would call for him.

I brushed her knuckles with my thumb and let my lips graze over the surface behind them. She looked so small lying out in the stretcher with that horrible looking oxygen mask across her face.

"Sir, we need you to keep it on." The paramedic took my hand placing my own mask at my mouth and nose.

I was fine; it wasn't me who was laying there unconscious.

"You need to help her." My tone was shaky and aggravated but the woman placed a hand on my shoulder and in that moment I felt like all my energy had left me that I couldn't fight anymore.

Honestly I wanted to cry, I wanted to crawl up in that stretcher beside Bella and hold her close, never letting her go.

I let my head rest against her side and I played with the end of her hair, the perfect curls that Alice had done for her for the ball, the ball she never went to because of me. Because of me she was in this condition.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just…" I spoke in a whisper to her hoping she could hear me but I knew she couldn't.

I could feel the hurt that I caused her and the hurt that I felt seeing her lying like this.

It was my fault, all of it.

I couldn't let the tears take over just now. I had to be there to pick up the pieces; I had to be there for Bella when she woke up. Though I doubt she would want to even see me again.

I gripped onto her hand tighter knowing this maybe the last time I got to hold her close. Not because anything was going to happen to her but because she might never want to see me again.

We reached the hospital and they took her away from me, pulling her into a room and trying to drag me off in the opposite direction.

"No, I'm fine. I just need to see if she is ok." I tried to shake off the doctor.

"Come on it will only take a moment." she assured me as she pulled me by my elbow into a room of my own.

"I really am fine. I need to know how she is." I was agitated and the adrenalin was still coursing through my body with them taking her away from me. I felt nervous of what they were doing to her.

She sat me down on the bed "You can help us with giving me all the information you can about her, ok?" she was calm and collected and it was surreal after everything that had happened.

"Name?" she started.

"Bella Swan." I told her

"Yes, we know, you told the paramedics, but we need to know _your_ name. The driver said that your dad works here, will we call him?" she asked

"Edward Cullen, my father-"

"Your Carlisle's son?" she looked up at me surprised and I only nodded.

"He's not here, he finished a few hours ago but I'll call him for you ok?" I nodded again.

"Edward, are you feeling ok? I know about your condition, is everything ok with that?" her tone was concerned and she had obviously heard about my last visit to the ER.

I gave another meek nod in response.

"Ok, well to be on the safe side we will give you some antibiotics along with your IV and you need to keep this on." She told me as she placed the mask back at my face.

"But I need to see Bella." My tone was desperate and I only hoped it would have an effect on her.

"Edward, you need to lie down just now but once she is ready and so are you, I'll get you a wheelchair, ok."

I knew it was the best she could offer; I would be in here for the night, possibly the night after that too if the smoke had any real effect on my condition.

"I'll call your dad." She quickly pulled at the blanket and reached for another that was folded on the chair. It was good to begin to feel warm again. My feet were like blocks of ice. "I'll be right back." And with that she was gone.

I lay out in the bed feeling my lids get heavy with the smoke that still consumed me. I breathed in deeply knowing that doctor wouldn't let me move from here unless I showed her I was better than when I came in.

* * *

I don't know how long time had passed but a nurse had came in and put in my IV line and was gone, the bags beginning to pour into my veins.

I was groggy and a little dazed as my adrenalin levels came crashing back down.

"Edward?" I heard my dad call and my mother rushing to my side pulling at my hand.

"Mum." I was thankful so see her, I felt like such a little boy in this place and knowing they were both there for me made me feel safe.

But my main concern was Bella, she didn't have any one. I pulled at my mask, trying to explain. "Bella, you need to go to her, she doesn't have anyone."

"Bella's here?" she asked surprised.

I nodded my throat dry and scratchy from coughing.

At that moment my doctor walked back in as my dad read through my chart.

"Where's Bella?" my mother immediately asked the doctor, worried for her.

"She is in exam room three but she still hasn't woken up. I think it may be a while."

"What did you do for her?" My dad asked worried also.

"There is some damage to the lungs, not permanent but we gave her some antibiotics after we suctioned her lungs." I felt my body recoil thinking about the procedure. It involved a long tube being pushed down into your lungs with a strong suction clearing out the lungs of anything that didn't belong. I was glad she was unconscious for it at least. It was the only benefit to her state.

"You need to go to her," my mothers gaze returning to me as she swept my hair out of my face. "Don't let her be alone."

She nodded and slowly and hesitantly began to leave my room in order to find Bella.

"You need to call her dad." I began with my father.

He placed a strong hand on my shoulder as I tried to sit up. "Don't worry son, I'll take care of it. You need to rest just now."

I lay back down knowing her was right. If I didn't rest I wouldn't get to see her.

* * *

It had been a couple of hours and she was yet to wake up. I rolled the wheels of the wheelchair closer to her bed taking her hand in mine. She laid out in a blue gown, the nurse having removed her dress earlier.

She looked completely fragile and I knew that I could never see her in this state again.

It ate at me, seeing her like this and there was no one else to blame but me.

"Bella come on, I know your just being lazy, wake up." I tried to joke with her but the emotions that filled me were too much to handle and suddenly I felt tears fall from my eyes.

I wiped them away with the back of my hand scolding myself.

I heard the door open behind me and the light click of heels let me know it was Alice.

The others had arrived an hour earlier once my father called them asking for them to come to the hospital.

To say they were in shock was an understatement. None of us had managed a conversation. Alice only wrapped her arms around me hugging me knowing I was lucky.

"Edward…" her voice was quite and gentle. "You should go for a shower; you need to get that smoke off you. Dad gave me some scrubs for you to change into."

I nodded as she placed the garments on the end of the bed, my eyes never leaving Bella.

"I'll keep an eye one her, don't worry, she will be fine." I could feel Alice's arms around my neck as she cuddled me and I placed a hand on her forearms.

I moved out from my position, standing out of the wheelchair that had been used as a precaution and picked up the blue scrubs that matched Bella's gown.

"I'll only be a minute." I told her and she nodded keeping her eye on Bella.

I gave one long backwards look and then left.

After the shower I sat myself down for a moment in an empty seat in the ER, the place was still pretty busy but there was a low hum from it, it was almost silent.

Then I heard it. The screams of a woman telling someone they had gotten it wrong, that it couldn't be her baby, not her little boy.

I knew immediately it was Mike Newton's mother.

Mum had found me and wrapped her arms around me knowing how lucky I was that I got out alive and Bella too.

The woman came out of the room eventually; her face was red and was washed by a flood of tears. My stomach gnawed at the thought of the loss she must be feeling. I couldn't begin to contemplate how she must be feeling.

The woman stopped before me and I lifted my eyes up slowly, now noticing mum was in tears also.

"I heard what you done." I began to panic at the hatred this woman must felt for me. Not helping her son out.

"I…I'm sorry, I did try but I couldn't..." my words trailed off thinking about the heat and the clouds of smoke I was met with when I tried to go back for Mike.

"Sorry…" she trailed off. "You saved a young girl from that fire and a mother from what I'm going through." She stuttered on her words struggling with her breathing "Don't ever be sorry for that."

She placed a hand on my face and another wave of tears wracked her as she ran off down the corridor with her husband in pursuit.

My mum pulled me into her side and wrapped her arms around me again and I let her comfort me. She stroked at the side of my hair, soothing me, the tension never actually leaving me.

She was tiny in comparison to me but her strength she held was stronger than I could ever have.

"Bella is going to be alright, isn't she?" I asked like the small child I felt. I had assumed that she would be fine, that she just needed to wake up; I never thought for a moment that she might not. That she had inhaled too much smoke.

"She will be fine, and she has you to thank for that."

I sat up surprised "Thank…I was the one that almost killed her. I should have kept my mouth shut and taken her to the ball like I was supposed too."

"Edward, you can look at it anyway you want but the truth is you got her out of there. You can't hold it against yourself like that." her tone was sweet and soft and full of compassion.

I blocked out her words. What did she know; she knew nothing of what happened between us tonight.

I stood up and made my way back to Bella's room once again not wanting to be separated from her.

Alice was still holding vigil at her bedside.

"Can I have some time alone with her?" I asked in a whisper, my voice was crooked anyway.

Alice looked up at me and the look on her face could have haunted me. But she only nodded standing up, letting me take her seat as she began to leave the room.

"You know this isn't your fault. I can see that you're blaming yourself. I know what you did earlier wasn't right but this here, this is _you_, _you_ helped her."

I closed my eyes and let my head rest against her bed as Alice left.

I still couldn't help feel it was my entire fault though. She should have never have been there in the first place, it was me who made her stay and that thought wouldn't leave me.

I felt a small stir next to my head and I sat up straight hoping that she was beginning to wake up.

She stirred a little more and her face contorted with pain, it seemed as if she was having a bad sleep.

"Bella…" I shook her gently trying to bring her back to reality and get her out of the dream she was having. "Bella…" I called her again just as quietly.

She let out a big cough and kept going. She wheezed for air trying to fight the mask off but I stood up to keep it in place knowing it was exactly what she needed.

Her chesty coughs calmed and her exhausted body slumped back down with her eyes slowly opening.

"Bella…" I tried again and her eyes focused on me and I smiled at her feeling like she had come back from the dead.

She pulled at her mask once again trying to talk. I sat up on the edge of her bed helping her pull it away while she spoke.

"What happened?" her voice was scratchy and dry just like mine but sounding a lot worse after her lungs being suctioned. She spoke in a whisper.

I took her hand, careful of the IV line and held on to her, "There was a fire in the halls." I didn't want to go into to much detail and upset her because I knew it would. She was friends with Mike and despite my jealous outburst that had happened earlier, I knew she only thought of him as a friend, the same as she thought of me.

"We had a fight." She choked out, her eyes wondering off to the side, her mind trying to remember what happened.

I only nodded in apology for my behaviour. It was shocking.

"Alice and Jasper?" she asked, unaware that it was only the three of us in the halls when it happened.

"There fine, they were at the ball." She nodded understanding.

"I should get my dad or a doctor. Let them check over you-"

"No, don't leave me. Please don't leave me." she rushed out in a whisper with panic, griping tighter to my hand not letting me go. A hard cough followed and I helped her sit up allowing it to leave her lungs easier.

Her weak body leaned into me and I let her rest against me, pulling her in close to my side as she gasped for air. I placed her oxygen mask back on her face as she tried to fight it off.

"You need it Bella, keep it on." And she nodded again.

"Was there anyone else in the fire?" she asked the question I had been dreading. I couldn't lie to her but I don't want to tell the truth, but it was all I had.

I began with a nod, hoping that would be enough.

She looked at me expectantly, waiting for more. I swallowed hard by accident and her face altered at knowing it wasn't good.

"Please…" she begged me because she knew I didn't want to have to tell her.

"Mike was in his room-" I started.

"But he's ok right, he's going to be ok?" she asked with worry.

I couldn't look her in the eye but she cupped my face pulling me to her. "He…He died Bella."

A cry came from the back of her throat as she crashed her face into my chest. "Bella, I'm so sorry…I tried but it was too late for him." The images of his room door haunting me for the hundredth time tonight.

She nodded as she let out a sob into my chest, I could feel the tears transferring through the thin scrubs I wore.

Her breath was ragged and gasping as she began to choke again. I rubbed at her back gently patting it to release any of the dust she took in during the fire.

I readjusted her mask again, making sure she got all the air possible as I began to lay her back in her bed.

Her hand griped on to the side of my top and she didn't want to let go.

"Bella…about earlier." I was worried to even bring it up but I needed to make her realize I never meant what I said. "I'm sorry, I just let it get away from me-"

"Shh, please don't talk about it. Forget it, I know you didn't mean it and I never meant what I said either. After this, it's all so stupid. Please don't talk about it again."

I nodded numbly at her. I felt like I had been relived of my behaviour but it still wasn't enough to take away the guilt of her being in here when she should only be getting back from the ball.

"You should get checked over." I tried to see how she would respond as the tears continued to fall from her eyes.

"You said you wouldn't leave me, please, don't leave me alone." She pulled at my top, pulling me closer to her and I couldn't refuse her.

"I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to, ok." I brushed a few of her tears away as she nodded.

I slid along her side, leaning back into the bed with her, pulling her into me as she cried.

Her body shook violently as I combed my fingers through her curls; trying to sooth her like my mother tried to sooth me.

She was still alone, she had us but she never had her family and she needed Charlie and as much as I hate to admit it she needed Jake.

It was them she loved.

Her head rested on my chest and I reached forward giving a comforting kiss to her forehead. I could have kept my lips there all night, feeling her safe and not the panic of weather she was alive or dead that I had earlier.

I thought about the role reversals of the last time we were in the hospital – the night she comforted me. I accidentally let out a small snigger at the thought. The irony of the situation.

"What?" she asked into my chest and I felt her warm breath through the scrubs.

"I was just remembering that night I was in the hospital and you were hugging me. It's like we switched positions." I pulled her tight once again, making sure she was still safe that it wasn't some messed up dream.

"You remember that?" she asked through a sob as she looked up at me all doe eyed and childlike. "You said you didn't."

I shrugged knowing she was right but I wouldn't let it interrupt our quiet moment.

"I suppose I was worried, that if you thought I remembered that…I don't know. You would want to know how I was. I only wanted to keep you away from me then." I said honestly.

"And now?" she asked.

"Now I'm glad your alive and _I_ get to check that _your_ ok." My hand began combing the back of her hair again.

"It's not nice is it, not knowing if someone is going to be ok. Feeling that worry." She was quiet with her words and it seemed as if she was getting sleepy again.

"No, but we were both lucky."

"I'm lucky thanks to you, I remember you pulling me out, wakening me on the stairs. If it wasn't for you…I'd be like Mike…" her scratchy voice is full of sorrow and with it another stream of tears came and I could only hold her through the grief and sit with her until her family arrived.

I felt angry with myself. "It was my fault you were there in the first place."

"Stop it Edward, it wasn't and anyway it's in the past."

Neither of us spoke for a good five minuets, Bella was the first one to break the comfortable silence.

"I'm so tired." She told me with a yawn then a cough.

"Get some rest, it will be good for you." she nodded into my chest.

"Just promise you won't leave me."

She was like a little girl needing reassurance but underneath I knew that she was tougher than she gave herself credit for, most of the time she seemed so sure of herself, she just needed to see that right now.

I listened to her breath deepen and I knew she had fall back asleep. It was what she needed, after everything that happened tonight and then to hear about Mike. When she fell asleep the tears were still wet on her cheeks and I gently brushed them away for her.

I thought when she woke up she would never want to see me again but after her life was in danger because of me, she just wanted to forget all about it.

I was glad that it didn't continue on but everything else that we had been arguing about was out in the air, she would remember me finally admitting feelings for her but now she seemed to dismiss them along with all the rest of the bad of the night.

Her face buried into my chest as she got comfortable in her sleep and I couldn't think I wasn't deserving of this moment, that it should be him comforting her.

I tucked a stray curl of hair behind her ear and kissed her once again on he forehead. It was gentle and my extra moment that I lingered went unnoticed by anyone.

I relaxed back into the soft pillow and let sleep overtake me as I struggled to keep awake from the smoke inhalation.

* * *

I was woken up a small time later by my dad gently shaking me, obviously trying not to disturb Bella in the process.

I opened my eyes to be met with Carlisle, Jake and who I took a guess at, was Charlie.

Jakes face looked a picture when I looked over at him, he clearly wasn't impressed to see his girlfriend curled up into the side of another guy but I knew on this account, he couldn't say anything.

I gently sat up, careful not to waken Bella as I placed her head back down onto the pillow that was used by me.

I staggered onto my feet, with Carlisle helping me. My body was still exhausted and I tried to hold on to the stirring cough in my chest.

I nodded respectfully to Charlie while Jake glared at my scrubs before his eyes moved to Bella and her gown.

"You must be Edward." Charlie held out his hand for me to shake. I took it because without this man there would be no Bella. I was automatically eternally grateful to the man for that, and the fact he had cared for her so well despite her hard childhood with divorced parents.

As I took his hand he pulled me into him and hugged me, thanking me. "I heard what you did kid, and it would have taken guts, I cant thank you enough."

His face looked like it was tear stained, his obvious heartbreak at the thought of anything happening to his daughter.

"I did what I could." My head hung low with a thought of Mike in my head.

"We'll I think you did more than that." he added.

Jake stood quiet, never speaking.

"Edward, you should get back to your bed, get some more oxygen and antibiotics and fluid through your canuler." He referred to the plastic sticking out my hand that would take my IV lines once again.

They should have kept them running but knowing I would need a shower they let me keep it off for a while.

I nodded in agreement silently following him out with one last look at Bella before I left leaving her with the people she needed.

I reached my family waiting in my room with Alice and Rosalie coming up to me together hugging.

Jasper was told he was staying at my parents' house with the rest of them. Emmett and Rose were also staying the night; my mother didn't want to be separated from either of them.

"I'll see you in the morning." My mum told me as she wiped my hair out my face once again.

"We'll all be back." Jasper told me with a smile and I nodded at him as Emmett patted me on the back and then taking me in griping hug.

"Make sure you get some rest, and keep an eye on Bella." He ordered me.

I climbed into the covers still wearing my scrubs and I thought about the comfortable joggers and t-shirt I would have worn instead but now they didn't exist. The only thing that got out of that fire was Bella and I and the clothes we wore.

"Make sure you bring some clothes for Bella." I reminded Alice but she was already on top of it and gave a tight smile in response to me.

They all left the room in silence except my father who was about to reconnect my IV lines for the night.

"You know, the night of your attack, when you were in hospital, I found Bella over you just the same way you were as you slept. She didn't want you to panic or worry. Seems quite fitting that you do the same for her. You both look out for one another."

I wasn't right sure if it was a question or a statement so I just let my eyes close as he finished off what he was doing.

"Try and get some sleep son." With that he patted my leg in reassurance as he switched off the main light before closing the door behind him leaving me alone.

* * *

**a/m: me again please con I have som more lovely reviews - i got less than I thought I would for the last chapter and worried that I may have put some of you off. please let me know you are still reaind and the new commers - let me know what you think please.**

**peace **

**xx**


	19. Chapter 18

_**a/n: I know, I know! Where have I been? Lol. Sorry for not being as quick as usual. Bit done in and I have also been pretty busy. Ok I'm not entirely happy with this chappy but I'm posting it cos I'm desperate to get on to the next chapter. Let me know what you think though. I got 20 reviews last chapter – new record- and would love to see that happen again – even if you don't love it let me know what you think.**_

_**This is for Larissa cos her review gave me the kick I needed to finish it and she was sooo nice. I hope my words are good as your dream. Thank you.**_

* * *

**Chapter 18**

**BPOV**

I could hear the faint, almost inaudible hiss off the oxygen thorough the mask and the silent mumbles as I woke up once again. Opening my eyes, they focused on the set in front of me, the same brown as mine. The lines at the edge of his eyes were more prominent with the worry he radiated out across the room.

The brown was warm, it was home but I couldn't help notice they weren't the sparking emerald I had looked into not long before I fell asleep.

"Dad." I croaked out. My throat was agonizing and rough. I needed water to help wash away the charcoal taste and to ease the burn.

"Bella" he quickly stood up from his seat kissing my cheek and I felt the rub of his moustache against my skin. It felt just exactly when I was younger from one of the few times I had gone to stay with him and me falling or injuring myself some how.

He would kiss the sore better then kiss my cheek, joking that they might need to cut off that particular injured limb. I would laugh at him knowing he was kidding and skip back off doing whatever I was doing with no tears.

Suddenly I felt a large warm hand on my leg and I knew who it was instantly.

_Jake_

I peered over Charlie to see Jake with his wide smile on his face, no doubt happy to see me awake. I gave a tight smile back, relived he was here.

"Do you want anything Bell? Charlie asked me as he swept away one of my messed up curls to the side. I felt Jake sit on the edge of my bed, eager to get closer with my thought much the same.

"Water, please." I shifted below the simple bed covers and Charlie reached for me helping me up as Jake gently pulled at my hand.

Charlie passed me the plastic tumbler and I drank it down quickly feeling parched. He asked if I wanted more and I shook my head answering no feeling the glassful swirl in my empty stomach.

"You had us all worried there Bell." I heard the tone in Charlie's voice imagining the telephone call he must have received.

"Who called you?" I asked.

"Carlisle, Edwards father. He said that you would be fine, that you just needed to sleep, but that was a long two hour drive." He rubbed his hand through his short curls.

"It takes over three hours to get here." I remind him.

"Yeh well when you have lights flashing, folk tend to get out of your way." He grinned.

"Nothing to do with the speeding at all, was it Charlie?" Jake added making me laugh a little.

"Hey kid, don't be getting me into trouble." He looked over to Jake and back to me with his smile still there. "I had to tell him." He motioned to Jake. "Could you imagine if I hadn't?"

I raised an eyebrow in response as I looked back to Jake knowing Charlie would be in the bad books for a long time if he didn't tell him.

I lay back down in my bed still feeling exhausted. Looking around I seen no trace of Edward. He was gone.

"Where did Edward go?" I asked feeling uneasy, unsure if they had found me sleeping on him or what.

"He needed his bed Bells." Charlie told me, his tone was a lot more soft and quiet. "He had a hard night, the boy deserves his rest." His eyes glazed over as he reached for my hand squeezing it once again.

I wanted to make sure he was ok. Check that he wasn't just bluffing earlier. He had looked tired and I knew that he needed his rest even more than me but I still couldn't help but want to see him with my own eyes just to make sure.

It was ridiculous, we were in a hospital. There would be no better place for him if anything were to happen.

I nodded understanding and he pulled his hand away. "I should find the doc or someone; make sure you're as good as you look." Though I knew I must have looked terrible, I could still see black dust on my arms from where the hospital gown didn't cover. Then there was the smell.

I smelt just like the smoke that had woken me in my hazy daze, when I could feel and see the heat start on the wall. I tried to fight it but it was too much so I felt my self slump down and said a last goodbye to everyone and apologized to Edward, all in my head in my final seconds of clarity before the black smoke became too much.

Charlie left Jake and me alone and as soon as he was gone Jake had pressed his lips firmly on to mine.

I couldn't respond, I was still in shock and feeling lethargic. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him slightly uncomfortably. He just wanted to be close to me and me to him but I just didn't want to be next to him when I was like this. But still I relished in the contact that was a little more brutal than the cradling Edward had given.

He sat back down in Charlie's seat and pulled it closer to me. He placed a soothing hand on my cheek and I looked in to his big brown puppy dog eyes and gave a tight smile.

I wanted to tell him how I felt, that everything that we had argued was so trivial now. That he was all that mattered, not some damn date on the calendar. That we were still together fighting through this year of separation.

But I couldn't.

He couldn't understand. He didn't feel the heat of the fire, the choke of the smoke wrap around my neck and fill my lungs, he didn't see the faces and here the thoughts of everyone I loved. He didn't feel that need to try and fight for his life or fight for mine like Edward had, or to even know the loss of a friend.

"I love you, Bella. I'm sorry, all the stupid argument, lets just forget about it. As long as were still together." He shook his head slightly in thought. For a moment I thought he could understand. See how I was feeling through all of this. "The argument and all of it let just forget it…The fire, forget it ever happened."

For some unknown reason as close as I felt to him, on _this_, he would never understand.

He wasn't part of it.

I couldn't just turn it off and forget.

* * *

Charlie and Jake had left not long after the doctor had looked me over. She was impressed with me and was sure by morning I would be fit enough for home, along with more antibiotics for my lungs.

I dazed in the dark for a while thinking about everything. About Mike, about Jake, about Edward and about everything else that continued to rattle around my mind.

I still couldn't believe Mike was gone. He meant no harm to anyone and now suddenly for no reason he wasn't here.

I could feel another wave of tears gathering up inside of me. I felt the least deserving of anyone to make it out alive. I still tried to comprehend why I was allowed to live but he wasn't.

The tears took over and tired me out before I fell back asleep.

When morning came I woke up with the vision of flames behind my eyelids and I trembled in fear before I opened my eyes seeing the light shining through my window and for the first time I could see the dust on my skin clearly. I felt dirty and needed to wash but I was still connected to my IV.

I looked up wondering just how they had managed to get me changed with this in my arm.

I pulled off my mask feeling free of its awful smell and took in the smell of bleach – I really didn't know what was better but the hospital smell didn't burn as much, though I did also have the haunting smell of smoke follow me.

The doctor walked in again with a smile. "You're awake?" she asked in surprise.

I nodded and shyly looked at the back of my hand. "Would you be able to take this out…you know so I could have a shower…".

She walked over to me, messing around with little squares around the tube stopping its flow before she disconnected it from the back on my hand. "You still have fluids and antibiotics to get but once you have had them you can get it out, but you can shower with this in, don't worry." The little cylinders poked out of the back of my hand, it was secured down with medical tape and I could feel it move inside my hand ever so slightly. It was uncomfortable but I was able to put up with it, as long as no blood came from it.

Before she left she gave me an examination and told me a nurse would be along to help me just in case anything happened. I nodded agreeing knowing it would be the only way.

The nurse arrived and helped me run the shower before she left me in my bathroom to get stripped and washed. I was thankful she never pushed to stay in the room with me.

She had also left a clean gown out for me to change into and I cringed having to put it on with dirty underwear.

Coming out of the bathroom she was kind enough to give me another to wear like a dressing gown and not have my backside on show. I could have hugged her.

When I was showered and reconnected to my IV I lay back out on my bed feeling exhausted from my task and my constant coughing. My stomach muscles hurt, I coughed so much.

Lying on my bed I flicked through the channels on television but nothing could help my minds thoughts. Now, I was physically clean of the fire, but I still wasn't mentally. I replayed the few seconds of waking up and the fear that drowned me over and over again. I couldn't escape the thoughts of the flames before I thought I was going to die.

They didn't want to leave me.

I heard a small chap on the door and I sat up expectantly as Edward's head peered round the edge of the door. I immediately felt relaxed.

He walked in, his body seeming exhausted from carrying him and he sat down on the furthest away chair.

I wanted him closer, if only to inspect he was really ok.

We sat in silence for a moment and I felt awkward in this moment, in the light our usual casualness had seemed to disappear; it was as if the daylight sobered us up.

I didn't know how our relationship would continue the way it had. Everything had changed despite my asking to forget all about it. But I would try, try to make it normal.

Whatever normal was.

I looked over at him and he seemed tired but he was sitting up and his forehead wasn't doused in sweat and his face seemed its normal ivory tone so I took it that he was healthy, I knew I was still tired so I guessed we were on a similar playing field physically.

"Thank you." The words came out still horse from the back of my throat. I don't know what else to say. I could never say it enough. He saved my life.

"Are you going to be alright?" he asked. I knew what he was asking, the dark marks below both our eyes indicated to one another that we had little sleep. He knew.

I nodded because I knew I would be. I would get through this after a good nights rest. Mikes death would take longer but I would get through that too.

I swallowed hard, unsure of my thoughts.

He stood up and came to sit on the edge of my bed. He was still dressed in the blue scrubs he wore last night.

"You know, you can call me, if you need to talk." He told me words that mirrored mine only two nights pervious.

I nodded again giving a tight smile and he smiled back.

I needed time away from him, I needed to clear my mind of last night and unfortunately that also included him.

He looked at me knowing, like he knew what was really going through my head and I hated it. I hated the fact he knew I had a bad nights sleep and that I dreamed about the fire.

I also knew he would be the only one that would understand but with everything that had been said, I couldn't lean on him.

The door suddenly burst open and I felt relief that there was company. Alice had come barging in through the door with carrier bags in her hand and a smile on her face. Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Rose and Jasper all came in flowing behind her.

"Knew you would be hiding out here." She smiled at her brother as she handed him two of the bags. "Some clothes for you but we can go shopping for more once you're up for it." Her smile softened and I could see the worry she had for her brother once again.

He looked inside the bags and nodded slowly on to her in response.

"Maybe you want to get ready, you can go home soon." She told him as he looked back up at her in surprise before looking up at his father, Carlisle nodding in response to his silent question on weather he could really go home.

"You too Bella." Carlisle told me with a warm smile.

Edward Jumped down from the bed with a short glance towards me before mumbling "I'm just going to…" pointing to the door and continuing on out it to get changed.

"Bella, these are for you. We still had your measurements so these should fit perfectly." She winked and I had a sudden vision of my blue dress and I wondered where it was.

She handed me three bags, one filled with yoga bottoms, a t-shirt and hooded top, one with trainers and another holding a warm jacket. I would need this so not to freeze in the harsh December cold. There was also underwear.

"Thanks Alice." I was truly grateful. "I'll be back in a sec." I told the group as I headed in the direction of the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath in. I was relived to be getting home; it was exactly what I needed. I needed to spend time with those who mattered.

Once I was changed I walked out, but my room was empty now. I looked at he door wondering where they had all went and suddenly I felt alone again.

Just then a nurse walked in with papers to be signed and a plastic bag in hand. "Look at you up and ready. You look better from the last time I seen you." she smiled; she was older, mid fifties perhaps, peppered hair and quite round but not too heavy.

I didn't recognise her despite her recognising me.

She spoke guessing I was lost. "I seen you come in last night, I was just heading home, but it's good to see you awake. How you feeling?"

"Fine." I whispered out on my sore throat and then finished with another chesty cough.

She laughed a little. "You sound not too bad. Just keep coughing, get it all out." She placed the papers on to the table that sat at the end of my bed.

"You need to sign these; it's your discharge papers." I looked across the table feeling like I was being kicked out and there was still no Jake or Charlie to pick me up. "These are you belongings too." She held the bag up before placing it on the table. "Don't worry, were not kicking you out, take your time, the doctor still has to come to write out your prescription anyway. Lie down and relax. I tell you though, that boyfriend of yours was worried about you." I thought of Jake worrying and felt bad.

She walked over to me and without stopping her current flow of topic began to remove the cylinders from the back on my hand as she spoke.

"The night shift said he kept harassing them all through the night, calling the nurses every half hour…" she let out a sigh.

I couldn't believe he had kept calling thought the night. My heart tightened with him being worried. "…Got to say though, he seems like a good boy. Brave. To save you from that fire like that." she shook her head and looked away in thought.

"Edward?" I asked in surprise.

"Who else?" she asked confused. "Oh I see... he's not the boyfriend…" her tone was motherly, like she had a child just like me at home. "We'll the kid seemed real worried..." She shrugged.

Of course it was Edward. It's _always_ Edward, _always_ worrying about me.

"Anyway miss, I'll leave these with you, the doctor should be along soon." She smiled with a twinkle and was back out the door.

I stood there a little shocked before I walked up to the table and signed the papers. I opened the bag to find my dress folded up and Alice's shoes. There was something along with it, caught in one of the straps. Lifting it up it was the flower Edward had given me, the one that he tied around my wrist.

I held it up looking at it. It was still perfect except for a little smoke residue that seemed to wipe off. Out of everything that had burned, everything that had been destroyed, this small delicate flower had made it out undamaged. I placed it carefully back into the bag amazed at its survival. Placing the bag down I went and lay back down on the bed.

I played with the cord of my hooded top, my mind not actually focusing on it. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised with his concern. It almost didn't faze me when I realized it was Edward that had been so worried. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, it was almost expected.

Our friendship had grown closer over the past month at a phenomenal rate.

_He trusted me._

He trusted me with hearing everything, he trusted me knowing the facts, he trusted me when his depression over shadowed.

I had never thought once to stop and think about the implications of what was happening and I didn't know why I hadn't seen it coming.

The argument was true, I had led him on, perhaps not intentionally, but something in me had pressed so hard for me to get to know him, to let go of common sense, to make him like me and I didn't know where it had came from. I felt like I could have him sleep next to me, like it was natural. It never felt odd or strange. It was comforting to me too. I just wanted to be closer to him for some unknown reason. There was bound to be fall out from it. But it just wasn't like me.

I was pretty cautious on almost every aspect of my life, I had acted more of a mother than Renee and when I arrived at Charlie's my roll never altered. I was still the one that cleaned the house and cooked the dinner.

The facts I knew were that I did feel close to him, perhaps more than I had realized. Edwards's attraction must have surely have been cosmetic. He had a daft little crush on me because he it was the first time he felt like he could talk to someone and was seeing it for more than it really was.

I didn't want to loose his friendship, not by any means. I wanted us to be able to grow from this road block and carry on as we had.

What I was to him, he was too me. I could go to him, lean on him when I needed a shoulder but right now I had to let the last night's events settle down before there could be any moving forward. We needed time apart after being together so much.

There was a knock as Charlie and Jake walked in. "Looking good, Bells." My dad commented, as I sat up swinging my legs around the edge of the hospital bed. I smiled tightly at them my mind still feeling a million miles away.

"Guess you don't need these?" Jake held up bags from cloths shops and pang of guilt washed through me at accepting Alice's buys earlier.

"I think I could still do with them," I replied back to him thinking about my lack of clothing and well everything else.

His face flinched at the realization that I didn't actually have anything.

There was another knock on this door this time, Alice once again walking in with Esme and Carlisle.

"I was wondering if we could have a moment to talk." Carlisle spoke wit ha gentle smile warning me that it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.

"Sure, come on in." Charlie spoke, offering them the two seats.

They declined and remained standing as he began speaking with Charlie. "Alice brought it to our attention that Bella," he turned to me. "That you might want to attend…attend Mike's funeral..." His tone was quiet on the last few words.

I looked at Alice and she smiled at me encouraging me. I knew I wanted to, he was my friend. I nodded in response.

Alice broke in "I thought that perhaps I could come and pick you up and you could stay with us for a few days." Her tone was also quiet and it made me feel nervy, Alice's tone only ever seemed happy with the odd exception of Edward pissing her off.

"That sounds like and idea." I agreed eventually.

"Rose will take care of your truck; she will get a new key if you need a replacement."

I nodded again knowing that the spare had been long lost before I had ever been given the truck.

"We could you know…maybe do some shopping." This time she walked up to me and wrapped her arm around my waist pulling me in to her. I knew this wasn't her usual attempt to get me on a shopping trip but to help me get the things we would need.

"Maybe we could go and replace our text books and that..." She was trying no to worry me with the thought of her hurricane like shopping abilities, instead trying to relax me and for me to look beyond the present. I squeezed at her waist tighter offering her a small smile and another nod.

"We will call you as soon as we know the details but you know you're all more than welcome to come." Esme offered.

"That's awful kind of you but I think Bella would be best doing this on her own, you know, let the kids bond a little after losing there friend." Charlie replied.

I looked up to Charlie and it was if as if he knew what was needed. I knew we would all need to reflect on this alone but also that we would have to rebuild together. I wasn't the only one that had suffered. The loss off all there personal possession would have impact too as well as the loss of Mike; though I was the closets one to him he was still our neighbouring roomy and often talked to the others.

As I looked over at Charlie I could swear I seen Jake glower at him from behind his back.

I knew he wouldn't be happy with the thought of me spending more time away out of the little we had, but it was needed.

A short time after they left to check on Edward the doctor arrived with my prescription and I was free to go home.

"So do you just want to head straight back home Bella?" My dad asked looking around the room nervously.

There was no where else for me to go. "Might as well, its kinda light packing for me." as I held up my jacked and grimaced at my own joke.

Jake put his arm around me pulling me into his side soothing my thoughts.

We headed to say goodbye to the others and ran into them on the way so we headed for the door together.

Jake walked by my side with his strong arm wrapped around me the whole walk as I had fleeting words with the others. I really didn't know what to say. All of our thoughts were on Mike.

"So, I'll come and pick you up soon Bella." Alice ran her hand down my arm trying to comfort me, my quite attitude no doubt worrying her.

I nodded with a small smile, "I'll see you all then."

Edward was silent through our entire journey to the entrance. No one seemed able to get him to speak but no one thought that this was unusual.

I wished I knew what he was thinking, to hear his tone of voice and at least have some idea but there was nothing. I didn't want to leave him like this. We never managed to talk properly before now, we had missed our chance earlier and now I didn't know when the next time would be when I seen him. I was somewhat satisfied with knowing it would be soon at least.

"See you soon Bella," Esme told me giving me a tight hug followed by the others, I was in a daze and after it continued to walk back to the car following Charlie.

My thoughts on Edward and I realized he didn't say goodbye to me and neither had I. He had backed away from the group when Esme embraced me and in my numb state I never focused.

I turned around quickly, looking to find the group but couldn't see them.

"You ok?" Jake asked as I whipped below his arm trying to angle my neck around the car park.

I nodded. "I'll be right back." I told them both, my eyes on Charlie and then moving to Jake. "Just wait here."

I quickly cut across the car park in search for the large group, looking out for any sign of Alice's or Emmett's vehicles but I couldn't see them. I turned round the edge of the building into the staff car park and found them there.

"Wait." I shouted across the space and there heads turned in my direction.

I felt the smoke's effects tighten my lungs as I rushed over to them.

I stood in front of them, nervous and suddenly wondering what the hell I was doing here. "I just want to say thank you…Again." as I turned my gaze to Edward I felt nervous and my fingers twitched..

Before I knew it I suddenly felt my self pull into him and wrap my arms around his neck not wanting to let go as I felt his arms tightened around my waist in response.

"Thank you." I whispered into his ear one more time and his grip grew tighter.

I pulled back letting my hand rest at the sides of his face. Reaching on my toes I kissed him on the cheek with the others watching. Some of them were looking bewildered at our display, others, understanding our unusual bond. There was no words from there mouths. I knew there wouldn't be.

I turned to leave feeling a little more relaxed, he was still _my_ Edward. His firm grip around my waist seemed to promise me that he was still there despite his silence.

I turned around quickly calling to them. "I'll see you all soon."

I heard another round of goodbyes behind me as I continued on back to Jake and Charlie and headed for Forks

* * *

**Please leave some love. More Edward and Bella soon!**


	20. Chapter 19

_**a/n: ok so I know normally writers have a play list that inspires them but I don't but there is one song that I think fits this story quite well. I have heard it on my mp3 a couple of times and it has made me think of my story. It's a song called the 'Special two' by Missy Higgins. If you haven't heard it before go and listen after you have read.**_

_**And seriously – the responses I get from you all is just amazing. I still can't believe you all want to keep reading. I am so grateful to you all. You are making my job a lot easier with the inspiration you give me to get back and write the next chapter. Thank you from the bottom of my dodgy little heart.**_

_**Think we could reach over 200 reviews for this chappy?? I hope so!!**_

_**Enjoy!!**_

* * *

**Chapter 19**

It had been six days since I had said goodbye to them all that day in the car park. Six days since I had been in Seattle, six days since I had felt Edward pull me tight into him and six days since reality came around and slapped me on the face.

I had thought that getting away from Edward would be for the best. Our time apart would ease the tension that had built from our argument on the night of the fire. I thought that the distance would give us time to reflect on what happened that night but instead it only made me feel more isolated. Jake and Charlie couldn't understand it so I had no one to talk to about it with.

Edward was the only one who was there, who had went through it with me. He could understand my flinching at a match lighting, the stares I would give to Billy's log fire and the visions that would haunt me.

I looked down at my phone with his number on the screen once again. I hadn't contacted him since I had been away. I wasn't sure if he for some reason was able to cope better at handling this than me and I didn't want to be the one to make him think he was abnormal if he managed to put this behind him.

I closed my phone and placed it down on my side table. Alice would be here soon and I needed to pack. There wasn't much for me to pack though except my toiletries and the few clothes that I had bought in Port Angeles on the way back from hospital.

Jake had been studying hard all the time I was here, but not for lack of trying to get out of it but I wouldn't have him suffer because of me. He had to get the best marks possible so when he wasn't at school or studying, he was with me, tryin to get him to study more.

He complained about me leaving again so soon but he said he understood why I had to go. When we were together we were mostly silent. We would hold each other close and I would thank god I was lucky for Edward that I had this chance to crawl into his arms once again.

Making love was different, it was slower, gentler and there seemed to be something else but I don't know what. I'm sure it would change back to how it usually was after things had gone back to normal.

I knew I would miss him but I would only be gone a couple of nights and then I would be back. After the funeral I could learn to put it behind me and move on the way I had struggled to do so.

Perhaps getting back to Seattle would be good for me, realizing that I still had the rest of my life to continue back there after the holidays. I would also be able to talk to Edward and I was sure he would be a little more understanding of how I was feeling.

Hearing the front door ring and I rushed down the stairs to answer it knowing it would be Alice.

Opening the front door I seen my little pixie with her usual wide smile and suddenly I relaxed knowing I was heading back to the place I knew I needed to be.

"You got here alright then?" I asked as I directed her in the door.

"Yeh it was easy enough. The directions you gave me were good." She reached in hugging me.

There was a quite moment between us before she spoke again.

"So…How are you holding up?" She rubbed my arm in that sympathetic way she did and I felt myself relax even more.

I nodded answering her, letting her know I was ok but the look on her face let me know I wasn't as a good an actress as I thought I was.

"You know its going to be hard. You need more time. Edward-"

"Edward?" I jumped into her sentence desperate to know how he was.

"Yeh, its been hard on him too. He's been even more of a nightmare to live with since it happened. He's…Well he's just closed right down. He feels it's his fault that Mike died."

Since being back home we had learned that the fire was caused by a "cigarette" in Mikes room. They think he must have fallen asleep with it in his hand and that is how it started. It was nothing to do with Edward at all.

"But its not." I told her.

"I know that, you know that, everyone knows that but Edward just wont listen." She shrugged her shoulders, giving up with the argument she must have had with him.

"Are you ready?" she asked suddenly changing the conversation.

"I just need to go grab my bag and I'll be right back."

"Can I see your room?" she asked with excitement.

I gave a small laugh at her look "Sure, come on." We headed up the stairs before we set off.

* * *

**EPOV**

"Edward." I felt the kicking at my feet and ignored it. "Edward." His snappy tone was getting worse and I knew that at some time they were all going to snap and give me hell for how I had been acting.

I didn't want to talk to them, any of them.

The past six day had been shit to say the least. The image of the flaming door was all I could see. Well that and Bella.

Alice was on her way from picking her up right now and there was in internal battle of wanting to see her and not wanting to see her.

I didn't know what would happen when I seen her, would I feel more guilt at the fact it was my fault that she ended up in the fire in the first place or just relief that she was still alive, still with us.

"Mum he's just ignoring us again." Emmett's voice called through to the kitchen alerting her to the current situation.

I looked up at him as he looked back down at me on my spot on the sofa.

My mum walking in looked thoroughly harassed as she dried her hands on a dish towel. "Edward can you just please snap out of it. I have had enough of this from you."

I moved my eyes back to the screen trying to ignore her.

"Edward," She snapped at me as she bent down pulling the plug from the wall.

"I was watching that Esme." I shouted at her.

"Edward I don't give a damn. Now look at me and listen." I refused to meet her eyes. I had been such a complete dick and I knew if I looked in to her eyes right at this moment I was fucked. She let out a deep sigh "Fine, you can still listen, now Bella will be here with Alice any moment and I don't want you upsetting her with your antics."

I let out a snigger at her thinking that I would take any of this out on Bella. If anything it would be her that should be doing it to me.

"I'm serious Edward; upset her and your digging your own grave." I saw her flinch at the words that came out of her mouth without realization.

I stood up and headed for the stairs. "Maybe you can throw me in the ground with Mike and save me a job." I spat at her on passing.

"Oh no you don't." Emmett yelled as he grabbed me by the back of the collar dragging me backward. "You do not ever speak to her like that again. You hear me?"

By this time he had grabbed my left arm and pulled me around to face him but I avoided his eyes. I could hardly look at myself in the mirror never mind others.

"Emmett put him down." My mum ordered with worry in her voice.

"No, not until he learns. I want you to apologize now."

I fought to get out his grip but his arms were to strong against me.

"Fuck off Emmett," I growled as I fought back against him trying to swing at his face with my right hand.

This was my first mistake, thinking I could take on my _big_ brother. He was the one that used to fight for me and here was I trying to take him on.

When my hand missed his face and scuffed off the top of his shoulder he knew there was strength behind it and if I had been lucky to hit him it would have been a sore one. With this he pulled at my t-shirt pulling me in closer to him and made his own fist in retaliation.

Mum shouting in the background seemed inaudible as we fought it out between ourselves.

I tried to wriggle out of his grasp knowing what was coming but some how he had lost his grip and I felt backward with a hard smack to the head onto the wooding flooring.

He stood above me but continued looking straight ahead in surprise.

Looking over to the door I saw a surprised Bella and a somewhat expecting Alice beside her looking between Emmett and myself.

"Bella, sorry you had to see that." my mother rushed over to her hugging her before I stood up under Emmett's glaring eye and sulked off back to my room leaving them to get back on with things.

I couldn't believe she had been witness to me and Emmett's fight. I was embarrassed. Not the fact I was about to get my arse kicked but more the fact that I was fighting.

I was above starting fights but here I was causing them, not just physically but I was doing it with my mum, my dad, Alice and Emmett. Even Rose and I had come to locker heads during the past week more than once. It was pathetic as I was and I couldn't feel the need to better myself from it.

They didn't deserve it but I deserved what I got and more.

Climbing the two flights of stairs I reached my room and slammed the door closed behind me before diving my face into my pillow.

I lay in my bed pitying myself for another hour before Alice came up to let me know dinner was ready. She never spoke to me except to tell me that and to warn me that I was to keep my behaviour in line, just like everyone else had been telling me all week.

Walking into the dining room I was met with my fathers glare that let me know he had been updated on earlier events and wasn't happy about it.

I raised an eyebrow at him challenging him to say something to me but he never, he was trying to keep the peace while Bella was here and I was glad that he didn't after my eyes landed on her.

I hadn't even noticed her until I sat down in front of her. She was staring down at her plate and she was completely silent and still. Her eyes were dark and I knew she hadn't slept much this week though I couldn't say I was surprised. My sleeping pattern was all over the place also.

My mother was sick with worry over anything happening to me because of it.

Bella continued to look down in silence, almost ignoring her surroundings. She only looked up when Alice spoke directly to her and her eyes only focused on her.

I must have scared the shit out of her after seeing me fight with Emmett. She would be silent with him too, I knew she didn't like the fact that he would try to pull me into line and seeing us so physical earlier could have been the cause for her muted stance.

A small smile crept across her lips as Alice spoke with animation. It was a tight smile, forced but it wasn't her that was stopping it, it was her conscience, her guilt that she should not be so happy with the funeral the next day.

With her attention back at her plate I cleared my throat causing her to look up.

She looked like how I felt.

I wanted to reach across and pull her into me. Make her glow like she usually did. To make her smile or to cause that awkward look on her face when she was trying to remain serious but couldn't hide the laugh she was containing. The look she would have, biting on to her bottom lip trying to reign in its activity, holding on to her composure.

The Bella sitting in front of me was a shell. Her eyes were empty apart from the sadness reflecting in them. Below her eyes they were dark like the morning in the hospital. They hadn't gotten any better despite her reassurance that day telling me she would be fine.

She thought she would. She had convinced herself she would be because when she spoke she was sure of herself, adamant that she would be _fine_.

But she wasn't. And neither was I.

* * *

After dinner I retreated back to my room and didn't emerge for the rest of the night. Bella was in the room next to Alice so I didn't even see her in passing and she never came up to see me, thought I was perhaps the last person she wanted to see.

Looking in the mirror I ran a hand through my hair trying to smooth it down slightly before I began my attempts on my tie.

It was black along with the suit I wore and looked more than fitting for the funeral I was about to attend.

The tie was a knotted mess and I scolded myself for never actually learning how to tie one.

Walking down the stairs and into the empty living room I stopped at another mirror trying to fix it.

Bella walked in with a simple black pinafore on with black tights and small black heels that I was sure belonged to Alice.

She looked nice and well turned out. If only her face could match it. She was still beautiful but the tired empty eyes and the paler than normal complextion would have anyone worried. Her eyes looked like they were about to spring with tears any moment and I couldn't help but want to pull her into me, but I didn't.

Our eyes met in the mirror and she slowly walked over to me and began adjusting my tie.

She never spoke. I had only heard her speak a little at the dinner table and worried if this was what she had been like all week and was it only me that had been so vocal with there family.

"Thanks." I told her and her eyes looked up to meet mine once again before she pulled back inspecting my tie and nodded to her self or to me – I wasn't really sure.

"You know it will get be-" I began before I was interrupted.

"Bella there you are." Alice walked into the room before pulling onto her arm. "I have a coat that will be perfect for you. It will keep you warm." Alice smiled to her pulling her up the stairs and away from me.

Alice was no doubt worried that I was about to start with her and was getting her out of my line of fire as soon as she could though Bella would never be in it. I could never speak to her like I had the rest of my family, least not intentionally. My disease's effects were another matter and something I struggled to hold even when I knew it was coming.

Not long after they were back along with the rest of my family and Jasper and Rosalie. It was time to say our goodbyes to Mike and I couldn't help my anxiety kick start for the second time today.

"I'll be back." I mumbled as I fled into the nearest bathroom to retch the empty contents of my stomach. I could feel it hard on my gut and with my stomach empty it caused bile to come up and out my mouth, making me burn from the inside.

I clutched the side of the toilet bowl with my hands and feeling my stomach muscles spasm in reaction. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead and I pulled at my collar and tie needing the release and the cool air.

I slumped back against the wall in my expensive designer suit and thought about not going. I knew my family would never make me go especially if this was the effect but I wanted to go. I felt I needed to go. To try and almost put right all of the things I had said about Mike and Bella that night, that despite what I had said and that I couldn't save him I had still respected him.

I caught my breath and wiped the sweat off of my forehead with the back of my hand before attempting to stand up. I felt dizzy and jaded but wouldn't allow it to stop me attending.

I cleaned myself up and made it back out to the others with my mums' ever worrying eyes back on me.

She stood in front of me as I struggled to stay standing, swaying from side to side. "You know Edward, you don't have to go-" she told me as she brushed away a piece of hair from my face.

I recoiled back from her touch. "I'm fine." I grunted at her waiting for the others to move.

She tried again "I'm only saying if you're not up to-"

"I said I was fine." I barked at her louder than necessary and it caused her to jump slightly making me immediately regret my reaction to her.

She swallowed hard and nodded signalling for the others to head out the door.

It was then I felt her, her warm arm wrapping its self around mine. I looked down in surprise to see Bella let me use her as a support, to keep me steady on my feet.

She never looked up at me; instead she kept her eyes on Alice's back.

I could feel everyone else notice our posture. They were surprised, probable mostly due to the fact I wasn't fighting her off.

They were no doubt thinking I was taking heed of there words from yesterday but in reality I couldn't have let go of her if I tried.

I could feel her cooler temperature though my suit jacket in comparison to the heat I radiated after my throwing up.

Reaching up to me she straightened my tie once again before leading me out of the front door and to the car.

* * *

It was a cold afternoon and the chill from the wind made my bones ache. There was over fifty people there, mostly students from college paying there respects. I was positive that not many knew him well but well enough that they felt they wanted to go to pay tribute to him.

The eight of us stood along in a row observing the ceremony. Bella stood two along from me, she was shielded away from me by Alice and Jasper. Jasper held his arms around Alice's shoulders and held her close with Bella on the end, her tears flowing freely from her eyes despite her self trying to keep her composure.

It was probably what she needed most, the tears. To allow them to flow out of her taking all of her pent up emotion from that night with them.

I wanted to go to her, hold her into me and assure her she was ok, that she was allowed to cry.

She wiped a tear harshly at her face and you could see her trying to stop them once again.

Once the service was over she walked over to Mrs Newton to speak. The womans gaze didn't seem to want to break away from the hole in the ground but when Bella introduced herself she turned to face her.

I couldn't hear what they were saying exactly, there was too many other surrounding voices. I could see Bella's back but I could still see her face from the angel she stood.

I could hear my family talk behind me as I watched on as the woman took Bella's hands into her own before she reached up and touched her cheek just like she had done to me that night in the hospital.

Bella's tears began once again and I wanted to go to her, to help her stand like she helped me. Her legs seemed weak as her hands continued to tremble as Mrs Newton released her hand gently.

Walking over I nodded to Mikes mother.

"Edward." She greeted me. "I'm glad you came. Mike would have wanted that." I didn't know if I could believe that. In all my time at in halls I hade never attempted conversation with him despite him always being approaching and friendly towards me.

But Mrs Newton didn't need to hear that and especially not today. So I gave a whispered "Thank you." as I caught a shaking Bella's hand in mine and tried to sooth her.

Mrs Newton only gave a small smile at our joined hands before she excused herself with tears in her eyes.

Bella didn't look at me again and I could understand the discomfort she would have being next to me and the casket in the grave next to us but she gave out an almost silent thanks to the hand I had taken.

"Come on, let's go home." I gently pulled her in the direction of my family and our friends as we headed back to my home.

* * *

Our day was quiet after that, I felt lighter that it was over with but we still all sat back in reflection of the day it had been.

At some point after dinner and not speaking the entire day I drifted off back to my room with Mike and Bella on my mind.

I knew that the fire that was caused had been Mike's fault but that wasn't to say that I still couldn't have saved him. I had heard my dad tell me dozens of times that it would have been to late for him when I had noticed the smoke but I couldn't believe it. There was still a chance I could have done something.

His argument was that I did. I had saved Bella and if I had tried to save Mike it would have been likely that it would have been Bella that was buried today instead.

Either way I seemed to lose.

Lying out on my bed I noticed my dress, I was wearing my suit trousers with my shirt open and bare feet. My mind flashed back to the almost identical image if myself of last week and in my frustration I pulled at the shirt, ripping it slightly as I took it off.

The trousers were still on but the removal of my shirt had made me a little more comfortable.

I lay there for another few hours. No one disturbed me once and I heard everyone go to bed for the night.

No one had spoke of Bella taking my arm or me taking Bella's hand and I hoped they would realize that with the situation our contact was perhaps inevitable instead of something already existing.

Looking at the clock it read half one in the morning. I couldn't sleep so there was no point in even trying anymore.

A small knock coming from the door made my eyes look over to it but no one came in.

It was silent for another few moment before I heard the small rasp to the door again.

"Come in?" I called out feeling slightly confused that they hadn't barged in already.

The door crept open with Bella appearing around the corner before slowly walking in wearing her pyjamas.

"I…I hope I didn't wake you." she shuffled on her feet nervously as I sat up taking in her presence. She had obviously been rolling round her bed for the past couple of hours going by her hair.

"I'm awake." I told her as I patted the spot in front of where I sat up in my bed.

She walked over slowly again, uncertain that she should be here.

"How are you?" I asked gently.

She shrugged "Fine." As she sat down on the edge of my bed.

I rested my hand on her arm and she looked at me, meeting my gaze. "_I_ asked you how you are?" and the look in her eyes told me she understood what I was asking. I didn't want her mandatory response that she gave out to everyone else. I wanted the truth.

Her eyes blinked a few times as they glazed over as she looked down and nodded. "I'll be fine."

I slid along closer to her placing a reassuring hand on her knee. "I didn't ask that Bella, I asked how you are."

She looked back up at me before giving a tight smile as a stay tear slid down her face. "Not so good." She told me with honesty.

I wiped at the stray tear on her cheek. "You know if you need to let more tears out, you can. No one will think any less of you. You don't have to be so strong all the time."

She nodded again and more tears fell from her eyes along with a stuttered sob that she tried to stop.

I pulled her in close to me smelling the light floral and lavender that always seemed to follow her and combed her hair with my fingers as she let more tears come out.

She pulled her head back slightly as she continued to sob her apologies.

"Shhh Bella, it's ok, really." I let my grip tighten to let her know she was ok.

"But it isn't. All I can think about is Mike and the fire." She sobbed more.

"What do you expect? It's going to be hard but you just need to let it out. I know it doesn't seem likely just now but it will get easier." I promised her.

"Do you see it too?" she asked unsure. "the fire, the smoke?"

I cupped her cheek and drew her in closer and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead fore I spoke. "Yeh, all the time, I cant sleep without seeing you or Mike. I feel like I let him down…like I let you down..." I trailed off into the air.

"You never let me down." She pulled back at me looking surprised. "and you couldn't save Mike either. You did what you could."

I sighed "But if it wasn't for me…you should have never have been in there in the first place."

"But we were and it was no ones fault because I decided not to go to the ball-"

"But it was _my_ fault. You didn't go because of _me_." I was firm with my words knowing that they were true and no matter how many times she or anyone else disagreed it was always the same. She went back into her room because _I_ had upset her. That would never change.

She shifted on to her knees to look me in the eye, matching me, challenging me. Her voice was still soft when she spoke though but it was pleading "Listen Edward, don't say that, I said at the hospital we were to forget the argument. My mind cant take this never mind you blaming yourself. It was a shitty accident and we got caught up in it with bad luck but we survived. _I_ survived, because of _you_."

She leaned in resting her forehead on mine as she thumbed my cheek in soothing strokes.

The internal battle I knew I would have would continue for a while yet in my head but in this moment I could see she had a point. It was a shitty accident and I should be grateful that we both survived. No mater if we were there or not Mike was never going to make it out alive.

I sighed scrunching my eyes closed but relaxed under her touch and the small breaths I could feel on my face from her.

I opened my eyes and could see the trails where the tears had ran down.

Reaching up I stroked her cheek with my thumb again, drying her face gently.

Her skin was flushed and her eyes sparkled with the moisture that rested in them. Her chocolate eyes looked into mine and I felt weak at all the thoughts in my head that had told me I could stay close to her without getting close to her physically.

I was wrong and I knew it but something inside of me knew I couldn't keep away from her, that I couldn't let go of the thought of kissing her. I needed her and right now she needed me, and so I would use it as my pawn as wrong as it was of me.

I let my other hand glide up to her cheek, holding her face between my hands in front of me with her sweet breath continuing to flow over me.

Her eyes changed along with the atmosphere and I could feel the gnawing at in my gut wondering if this was right or wrong. If this would push her further away or bring her closer.

I didn't know and I didn't care. In that second all I thought about was what I needed.

I reached in, my lips touching hers. She never pulled away so I pressed further, my lips pressing against hers more firmly as I let my tongue slide along her bottom lip begging her to let me in, for her to respond.

I thought she wasn't going to until I began to slowly pull away before she joined our lips once again, pushing her self up on her knees connecting our mouths completely.

Her eyes had closed and so I let mine close as well as I let my tongue glide back to her mouth once again. Her tongue slipped out, slipping into my mouth and her taste was so much better than her breath.

Our kiss became more heated as I pushed her back onto her heels thinking control as both out hands reached for one another's hair and out mouths battled it out.

She broke away moments later, shock written all over her face.

I expected a slap or something but she gave no reaction as we caught our breaths.

She sat like that for a few more moments as we looked into one another's eyes both waiting for something from the other.

I began to make amends. "Bella-"

At that she jumped up from her position on the bed. "Have you eaten anything since dinner?" She was trying to change the subject, forget it ever happened.

"I…I…Bella-" I tried.

"Thought as much, come on, I'll make you something." She told me firmly and I knew I had to go with what she was saying. She didn't want me to mention the kiss.

Her tone was chirpy but it was also fake as fuck. I could see through her charade perfectly but I would let her have it, if only just for tonight.

I was still lucky I hadn't been slapped yet and that she was obviously not wanting to screw up our friendship over it.

"You'll get cold." I told her as I reached for a hooded top from the floor and handed it to her.

"Thanks." She mumbled shyly but still took it from me. "You should put something on too." She nodded to my bare torso and I reached for the t-shirt that lay on the floor that I had wore the day before. It was still stretched at the front after Emmett pulling it.

She smiled her fake smile again and I almost shivered in horror of the fake tone she gave again. I wanted my Bella back, the one that was never fake, the one that was always a little too honest for her own good. But I wouldn't take back the kiss. Never, because what I felt form that was not self gratification, but the truth and honesty that she refused to give me just now.

It was my hope.

* * *

_**a/n: Finally, finally a kiss!! Lol hands up who would have began to read this story if they knew they were going to have to wait 19 bloody chapters for a real kiss!! I'm sorry it has taken so long but I hope it was worth the wait.**_

_**As for Bella - Denial isnt only a river in Egypy!!**_

_**Please, I beg you all, all the new and older readers tell me was it worth it and was it good enough.**_


	21. Chapter 20

**a/n: thanks to all the readers and reviewers! I love you all so much I wish I could let you know how much it means to me – but it's a big friggin number lol.**

* * *

**Chapter 20**

**BPOV**

"Sweet or savoury?" I tried to ask as nonchalant as possible. I gave him a wide smile that I was sure he could see straight thought as I walked around the other side of the breakfast bar.

"Bella…" I could hear the questioning tone in his voice and I couldn't listen to what ever would come out of his mouth with that tone.

"…I could make you some French toast if you want." I turned around from him, trying to avoid looking in to his emerald pools. "…pan in here?" I asked still trying to keep my composure.

I could hear him sigh and prayed he decided to give up on the topic. I thought he had already done so but with the awkward walk down stairs I was sure he was about to try and clear the air. I had to try and forget about it.

_He kissed me._

But that wasn't even the worst part._ I_ had kissed _him _back.

I tried to keep my nervous breath under control. Stop myself from panicking as I felt my self ramble. "…I haven't made French toast in ages. I would make it all the time for Jake…" I let the words disappear into the air, my mind not even realizing what it was saying in its panic.

I could see Edward look down at the counter from his stool on the opposite side, cringing away at the mention of my boyfriends' name. It wasn't on purpose. Least I didn't think it was. Perhaps some defence mechanism, reminding the both of us about Jake.

I turned on gas, letting the pan heat up as I switched up the egg before dipping the bread into it and placing it in the pan.

I mumbled on for another five minutes solid as I worked with the obligatory "hmmm" from Edward, helping me at least pretend that we were having a normal conversation.

I just knew I couldn't think about it. Not one second of it. Ever.

Edward moved continuously in his seat, obviously uncomfortable as me at the change in atmosphere.

I knew when I asked him to forget about our argument on the night of the fire that he couldn't switch off feelings if he had any, but really, I didn't think they were real. I though it was nothing, spur of the moment, a dot of jealousy that had came from some small episode of depression, or behaviour change.

I didn't think for one moment that _my_ Edward held those feelings.

_Not for me._

"…so I'll just get the books at the same time." I finished my sentence and I knew he wasn't really listening to me. "It will be a nightmare driving in the Saturday traffic but I'll make it home eventually." I shrugged.

Edward slid a piece of toast into the ketchup with his fork before mindlessly slowly trailing it around his plate before he stopped and looked up at me. "Wait, you're not going home tomorrow?" He asked surprised and his brows furrowed forward looking at me.

He hadn't been down stairs when Alice and I decided to make arrangements for a real shopping trip. Helping me get everything I need.

"I'm staying an extra day." My voice was low and whispered like I was trying to not admit to it.

His face was surprised but he looked more fed up than anything else. He let his fork drop and it landed on the plate making a loud noise causing me to jump a little.

"I've had enough." He told me but I knew what his words meant. I was trying to pretend that it didn't happen and he wanted to talk and acknowledge that it did.

He had had _enough_ of me.

I stood up off my stool making me stand right in front of him. Even though I was trying to pretend it never happened, I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want to get back into that strange bed all on my own again.

"I can make you something else…sweet?" I tried to keep him from leaving.

I wanted him to stay with me. I didn't want him to leave me like he left me in the hospital as I slept.

He was the only other one that could understand.

I knew I didn't want to acknowledge the kiss and it was wrong of me but I couldn't say the words out loud and think of us like that.

I had always wondered what it would be like to kiss another boy. I had kissed others but not people who I genuinely cared about. Those were boys from when I was young and playing silly dare games with. Jake and Edward were something else completely from the boys in Phoenix.

And now standing in front of Edward I could see him and Jake were completely different from one another too.

"I think I should be going to bed." He stood up from his seat and stood up in front of me, our chests centimetres apart from one another.

His green eyes looked down at me and I asked him silently to stay. Not to leave me. I held my stance in the little space we had continued to look him back in the eyes.

It was different, the Kiss.

It was completely different.

I knew the second our lips touched it would be. There was just something there.

When he reached in I didn't know what to do but as soon as he began to pull away I needed to know, needed to see how it really felt.

I had wondered if being with others would be different from Jake and if the kiss was anything to go bye it defiantly would be different.

I just didn't know if it would be better.

Edward had almost rushed it, like he had only a one tiny moment to prove himself.

Jake had always been so slow, but our entire relationship had been slow, we grew up together. We had learned and knew everything about the other before there was any physical contact – even kissing had taken us so long.

The first proper date Jake and I had gone on he kissed me on the cheek on my front porch, goodnight. My dad would have been happy with that but I wanted more and eventually… I got it.

Edward and I weren't even seeing one another and he had made a move.

A _move_ was all this really was.

_Wasn't it?_

My mind had never felt so confused in its life.

Jake was my life, my plan. I had to shake any notion of Edward and his kiss out of my head.

He continued to look down at me almost expectant, though it was me who was blocking the way.

"Bella…" his eyes traced the path behind me as he silently asked to get past me from the corner I had seemed to have him in between the stool and the counter and myself.

"I don't want you to go." I let my eyes drop at my admition.

He never spoke or attempted to move so after a few heartbeats I looked back up at him, his look still unchanged.

He continued to look down at me before he ran a hand through his hair and I suddenly found myself reaching up for his hand and pulling it out of his hair.

"You always do that." he told me in a low caramel sound,

I raised an eyebrow at him in confusion before he averted his gaze to our touching hands.

I let his hand drop and quickly let my hand fall down by my side feeling my cheeks heat.

"I'm sorry; I just don't like to see you take your frustration out on yourself." I told him. "Especially your hair." I tried to smirk to lighten the mood but he continued to look at me and the serious look in his eyes told me he wasn't up for games.

"So you do know I'm frustrated." He told me flatly as he looked away from me has hand raking through his hair once again and I flinched, stopping myself from removing it a second time.

I looked down to the floor pretending it wasn't happening.

Swallowing hard I looked back up at him; his fed up look never changing. I was going to have to speak to him about it.

"Ok, listen. We're friend Edward and I don't want to lose you as a friend. You kissed me-"

He interrupted me "And you kissed me back." He told me with out missing a beat.

"…but I think we should put it in the past and move on." I tried ignoring his words as I finished my sentence. "I have a boyfriend." I reminded him as the guilt swirled in my stomach thinking of his face.

He would be broken hearted if he knew that I didn't fight him off. It would kill him, that I kissed him back. I had to forget about it.

He stood there still in his corner, never pushing past me even though I knew he could.

"Can I ask you a question?" He sat back down in his stool; our eyes now level with one another.

I nodded answering yes and held my breath for whatever he was going to say.

He looked down at his knees and rubbed his forehead with his first three fingers and then looked up at me again.

I felt nervous, worried what he was going to ask. Suddenly I didn't want him to ask anything, not even my name.

"Did you enjoy it?" You could see him fight with the snigger that tried to cross his face but it wasn't one with humour. He was pulling _me_ up for it, for me kissing him back.

I closed my eyes and turned my head. I didn't want to have this discussion with him. He wasn't getting his answer.

I pulled away from my spot and moved to the safety of the other side of the breakfast bar where I picked up the pan and placed it in the sink along with our plates.

He sat there watching me; still waiting for a response. I could feel his intense eyes stare into my back and heard him sigh.

The atmosphere was thick and I could barely stand it.

I turned around and met his eyes once again. "Well?" he asked.

"Edward we're not talking about this. I want my friend back, stop this. Stop it now." I tried to warn him as I fought to keep my voice firm, inside I was shaking.

He stood up and I took a step back, my back into the counter next to the sink. I though for a moment he was coming to me but he gave me one last look before he turned around and silently walked out of the kitchen and into the dark.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and let my body slide down the unit. I felt drained, my body was swarming with anxiety and I couldn't believe the event of the night.

I went to him wanting to talk. He was the only one who had some idea of how I was feeling and after the stress of today's funeral I needed him.

Talking to him had helped; he made me feel stronger, that I wasn't weak for any of the tears I shed.

I could feel more bubbling under the surface and my breath stuttered out as the tears finally made there way down my face.

I needed him again, for him to give me a hug and tell me it was going to be ok but he was gone and I didn't know whose fault it had been.

It was him who had kissed me but somehow it was me I blamed for it in the first place.

He had told me he had feelings but I didn't believe him. I was stupid and naive to tell him to forget about it. I hadn't seen this coming but I never honestly expected him to ever kiss me.

But I had kissed him too.

More tears fell down my face and I stood up making my way up the first flight of stairs. Standing at the bottom of the second one I looked up knowing he would be there, lying in his bed.

I looked back down the hall and seen the door of the room I was staying in. taking a deep breath and letting it go I headed in the direction I knew I had to go to.

* * *

Looking at the clock it read quarter to four. I let out a sigh into my pillow and tried once again to block the thoughts in my head.

I wiped at my damp cheeks, though the tears were slowing.

Why did he have to kiss me? Why did he ever have to tell me anything, about his feelings?

I knew I had made the right choice to stay away form his room but somewhere deep it felt wrong.

I picked up my phone and let my fingers trace the buttons. I couldn't call Jake. It was his last exam tomorrow and even if he didn't have it, he couldn't comfort me and talk to me like Edward could.

I put it back down on the side table and pulled my covers up tight to below my chin and tried to sleep.

Not even the tears I had shed could get me to fall over into a slumber.

I tried for a few more moment before I threw the covers off me once again.

I climbed out of my bed and made my way to the door before creeping along the dark empty corridor and up the second flight of stairs.

I knew how wrong this was. To go to him when I couldn't even be honest with him but I knew I needed something that no one else could give me so I felt myself slip and go to him.

I only hopped he wouldn't ask me about the kiss again.

The reason I couldn't answer him was because I had enjoyed the kiss, as wrong as it was of me too admit it to even myself.

But I had Jake, I loved Jake. There was no other for me. It had already been planned out. He was my life.

I crept onto the top stair and looked through the lounge area and I could see his closed door.

I paused for a moment knowing I should just go back down to my bed and stay there but by the time I had finished the visual in my head I was standing outside Edwards's bedroom.

I rubbed at my cheeks again, the tears some how never ending.

I didn't knock this time as I walked in and whispered his name out into the dark.

I could see him in his bed. The light from the window on the roof let the moonlight shine through and the silver glow illuminated his sleeping figure.

He must be exhausted. His throwing up this morning had taken it out of him and I couldn't stop myself from letting him rest against me knowing he would be shaky and tired from it.

I padded across the plush carpet before I stopped in hesitation once again at the side of his bed.

He was sleeping soundly and I didn't want to disturb him but I somehow knew that even after how he had left me in the kitchen he would still be accepting of me into his room.

I gingerly picked up the edge of his covers and slid myself along beside him as I reached out for him, wakening him up.

"Please…Just be my friend just now." I begged him with a new wave of tears beginning.

His arms wrapped around my waist and I felt him pull me closer into him, into his chest and I could feel myself beginning to relax in his war embrace.

After stroking away a piece of stray hair he wrapped his arm securely around my waist again as he reached and kissed my temple before whispering, promising me, I was going to be ok.

Nodding silently into his chest I let my tears fall into the space between us as I began to fall asleep finally feeling I was in the right place.

* * *

EPOV

I felt a gentle hand on my arm and pulled her closer into me, breathing in deep and taking in her scent that was laced slightly by mine with the night in my bed.

I felt the gentle touch again on my arm but her soft hands seemed harsher and callused.

Opening my eyes I was met with Emmett's and a big fucking surprised look across his face.

I looked beside me seeing that Bella still lay beside me and that I really had pulled her in closer to me.

My heart stopped and began to think of every excuse under the bloody sun to explain this one.

I released her and with my movement she began to stir and a cough from Emmett startling her back to the land of the living as she jumped up, no doubt sensing it coming from her other side of where I lay beside her.

She looked up at Emmett guiltily, as if she had been caught out and she wearily glanced over at me as I sat up beside her.

"Little sleepover was it?" Emmett asked with a stupid amused grin on his face and I could feel Bella cringe.

"Em-" I began.

"It's not what it looks like?" he finished for me. "Yeh well I guessed that, thankfully you two are still dressed." He shrugged.

"Emmett..." Bella began and her breathing seemed fast, like she was gasping for air. "Could you not tell anyone? I…I just had a really bad dream and came to talk to Edward about it…" she lied. "I must have fallen asleep on him and he must have just let me be." she glanced at me silently asking for me to back her up.

I nodded agreeing as he glanced back and forth between us nodding with his arms folded across his chest.

Bella stood out from the bed covers before silently creeping past Emmett and whispering thanks to him.

I let my gaze follow her out wondering how she was. She would have been mortified no doubt. I wanted to go after her and check she was ok. So I did, giving in to the wanting by body always seemed to crave of her.

"Wait right here." I told Emmett as I jumped out from below the covers and quickly chased after her, catching up with her at the top of the stairs.

I let my hand grab hold of her wrist and she stilled. "Are you ok?" I asked in a low whisper.

She nodded, her back to me, she never turned to meet my eyes. "Just make sure he doesn't say anything, please." She seemed embarrassed and I let go of her hand unsure of weather it was because of me or because she had lied saying she had a nightmare. Either way I didn't like it.

She continued on down the stairs as I turned round and walked back to my room knowing I had Emmett to face.

I could only imagine what would be going through his head.

Walking in through my door I walked past him throwing myself onto my bed. "It's half seven Em, what do you want?" I stretched out knowing there was no point of going to bed now, I would never sleep until I had spoke to Emmett and knew he would keep quiet.

"I heard dad leave for work and thought you might be up for a morning run, we haven't had one in months."

I knew he was right, we hadn't. We would tend to go for them when he lived at home but after he moved out we had only managed a few, mostly in parks around Seattle if I had stayed at there apartment.

I sat back up and nodded, reaching for my jogging bottoms that were out on the floor.

"So…." He put into the air and I knew it was my invitation to start talking.

"She was upset; I let her talk for a little bit then she fell asleep. End of. And please, for her sake, don't tell anyone." I snapped at him hoping that he would convey my serious attitude. I was positive he wouldn't say anything to anyone, even Rose. He was good at things like that.

"I was just checking. So-"

"No, there is nothing going on. You want to know why she was here." I stood up pulling my joggers around my waist. "She was asking me if I seen it too, if when I closed my eyes I seen the fire."

His face dropped slightly and I felt bad for making him assume there was anything else going on, even if there had been.

He nodded slowly "I won't tell anyone, I promise. But just remember it might not be me who walks in next time."

I Shook my head firmly "There wont be a next time." I could almost hear the conviction in my voice.

* * *

I could feel the icy grass crunch below my feet as I struggled to catch up with Emmett.

I had the energy from the food but the three odd hour's sleep I had was beginning to catch up with me and I struggled along behind him.

"Come on Ed, your making it too easy for me." Emmett called to me as he jogged up the hill backwards before he turned again and began to race up.

I slowed down even more struggling with my breath and leaned forward letting my hand rest on my knees.

Emmett's form began back down the hill to me seeing my struggle. "Hey, you ok?" He was worried, as usual. I couldn't even seem to scratch my own backside without worry coming from one of them.

I spat to the ground feeling the cold air tighten my chest and I nodded. "I'll be fine." I grunted at being treated like a baby.

"You don't look it." He told me.

I could only imagine my crouched position struggling for air but I was going to keep going. "Just out of practice. You know, city living."

I stood up straight and he laughed a little. "Want to head back?" he asked carefully.

"No, we haven't gotten to the end of the path yet." I nodded up the steep hill.

"Ok but remember it's not only your funeral, mum will kill me if anything happens to you out here."

I laughed a little knowing how right he was. "Fine, walk the rest and run back down?"

"That's sounding better; don't want to end up in the back of another ambulance quite so soon. We'll leave the hat trick for another time." He patted me on the back.

As much as I grunted and growled at my family I had always liked my runs with Emmett. We were usually silent; if he did speak I usually gave him hell and being away from prying (mothers) eyes he gave it back sometimes too. But the odd time it would be like this and after him catching Bella in my bed, I prayed that giving my nicer mood would swing his silence.

We both began our walk up the grassy route in silence.

"Can I ask something? Bella…-" He began to fill the silent forest with his question.

I groaned internally at the though of him mentioning her name again.

"What about her?" I asked with the groan making its way out.

"You were cuddling into her bro, I'm only asking is all." He looked over at me as I keep my eyes down.

"Nothing is going on. I told you already." I let a small sigh escape, not at my waning impatiens with my brother but at the thought of Bella.

"I know that, I was just wondering, if…if you were wanting something to happen?"

I laughed a little knowing my thoughts and feelings about her.

"You know, it would be understandable, you saved her from a burning building, I could see where feelings could come kicking in on that one." He shrugged.

"No, were…were not even friends." I struggled with what exactly we were. I suppose we were friends, least that's what Bella called us. For me it was something else. More than friends, but less at the same time it seemed. We didn't have a name to slap across our relationship. It was what it was. "She was upset, that's why she came to me. If it was you that had saved her in the fire she would have went to you."

"Oh Christ, I'd love to see Rosie's face with her joining us in bed." He laughed hard and I joined him picturing Rosalie's face like how I woke up to Emmett's this morning.

"Yeh well I don't share a bed with anyone." I reminded him still laughing.

"But she does. Don't forget that. He's not here but he wouldn't be happy with what I seen earlier." As if I needed reminding from Emmett too.

"It was innocent." I tried to protest knowing I was lying. Well half lying, it really was innocent it was just my thoughts and actions that weren't entirely saintly. "Just please keep it between us. No one needs to know her night was that crap. She was embarrassed enough at her tears." I pulled hard on his heart strings to secure his silence.

"She was crying?" he asked a little shocked.

"Yeh, she's a little shaken up, I don't think the funeral was too good for her." I shrugged being honest with my thoughts.

"Well as long as you know that, and that it isn't your problem. She goes home tomorrow and it's back to her crying on her boyfriends shoulder."

I wanted to punch him for that one. It wasn't a swipe at me but it sure a hell felt like it.

I didn't like the thought of her going to him and speaking about it, it felt private, like it belonged to us and only us. But if I really thought about it, it's seemed like she hadn't actually spoken to anyone about it.

By the time we had finished our conversation we had made it up to the top of the path way and I was gearing myself up for running back down the hill. I felt like I needed to run my thoughts out my system properly. Run Bella out of my mind if only for a few minutes.

On the count of three Emmett and I began to run down the step hill, fast. It was like we were little boys again without a care in the world as we cut around one another trying to put the other off. He gave me a push out the way, trying to get me to fall but I kept my balance and pushed him back as we both laughed and joked about.

In no time we had made it back to the house as we crashed through the door together still laughing.

"I win." I proclaimed first as I almost fell to my knees with Emmett crashing in behind me.

"You win, are you kidding, It was me. You couldn't even manage up the hill." He slapped my back.

"Morning boys?" Alice's voice pulled us out of our little world and my eyes were met with Bella's.

"Morning sis," Emmett spoke as he walked up to her, hugging her around the waist and his sweaty shirt rubbing against her.

"Get away from me, you stink." She wriggled about, trying to free himself.

"Put her down, Em." Rosalie's voice came from the door connecting to the hall way, she sounded exasperated but it was all in jest.

"Enjoy your run?" Rose asked me and I nodded in response as Emmett threw a bottle of water in my direction.

"Yeh, next time you should all join us." Emmett told them.

"I don't think so; the only thing I like to break is dollar bills, not sweat, Em. Besides were already going to get our cardio with shopping." Alice practically twirled around in a circle at that thought as she smiled across at him.

"I'm sure you would be up for it Bella, I'm sure you could manage an early morning wake up call." He smiled over at her as she shifted uncomfortably at his words.

I just glared at him, knowing if he said another word out of line I was going after him, despite the inevitable arse kicking he would give me.

He met my eyes and his smile dropped and he knew that he better keep quiet and not push either one of us.

"So what are you two up too today?" Rose asked Emmett and me.

I just shrugged, I had nothing planned, Emmett copied my actions and I just knew we would end up spending the day playing the play station.

* * *

Like I thought, Emmett and I spent the entire day in front of the television with computer games.

It had been a long quiet day and after we got back form our run the girls had headed to the mall, hell bent on getting Bella to buy everything.

They had arrived back a little after nine and I hadn't spoken to any of them since. I could hear Alice begging for Bella to try on all her new clothes again, the two of them walking to Alice's room as I came out of the bathroom.

I could hear Bella give a small nervous laugh at the thought and knew she would fight against her as hard as she could. She would no doubt blush furiously like she always did when any one complimented her.

Stretching out in my bed I reached for my lamp switching it off and plunging my room into darkness, I settled below the covers tired from my early morning. It was the back of midnight and had heard everyone turn in about half an hour ago.

Lying in my bed I could smell Bella from the pillow she used and thought about last night.

I really shouldn't have kissed her but I just had too, her lips were in front of me and I just couldn't resist my urge. Thought now I didn't know where we stood. I hadn't been able to talk to her since I stopped her on the stair this morning and I couldn't help but think she was avoiding me.

Fair enough, Alice and the others may have asked questions if she was seen coming up to my room so could understand that part.

Trying to fight her image out of my head, I gave up and finally drifted off to sleep and no doubt dreaming of her once again.

I felt a gentle pull at my shoulder and pulled away from the touch, rolling onto my front, my body not wanting to waken up just yet.

"Edward." I heard her whisper and with it I turned around to find a hovering Bella at the side of my bed.

My eyes squinted in the dark, adjusting to her figure in front of me before I looked over at the clock on the side drawer.

_3:23_

No wonder I was still tired, it was the middle of the night.

I looked back up at her and without a word lifted my covers up and silently invited her in beside me.

She slid along the mattress moving close to me before she stopped. She was nervous. She didn't seem too upset but she was reeking of anxiety.

I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her into my chest, letting my chin rest on the top of her head as she rested her cheek against my chest.

"Do you want to talk about it?" It was a pretty open question but it seemed as if she needed too talk about something.

She nodded into my chest but never spoke.

A few silent moments passed before I decided to say something. She wasn't getting anywhere fast.

"You know Bella; you kinda need to speak if you want to talk about it." I sighed a little at my own impatience.

She nodded again before she pulled her face off of my chest and looked up to me.

She seemed lost and I tightened my grip on her waist letting her know I was ready to listen to whatever she had to say.

She chewed down on her lip nervously before I let my index finger reach out and pull it out from her grip.

She smiled softly at that one and my heart lifted.

"I..." She sighed and sat up, crossing her legs in front of me. I sat up a little too taking note of the serious look on her face. "Edward, why did you do it why did you kiss me?"

I looked at her surprised by her words. I shifted up further and thought carefully before I spoke, as usual, she gave me all the time I needed.

"I wanted too." I told her honestly.

"No Edward. That isn't an answer." She groaned. I didn't know what she was looking for on this one. "Why, were friend, friends don't do that."

I looked away from her for a moment and tried to keep the creeping smile off of my face. "And what if I don't want to just be your friend?"

Ok, now she looked shocked. "What if I want to do it again?" I asked her.

"You cant, I have a boyfriend." She reminded me, as if I really needed it.

"Yeh but what if you didn't, would you want me to do it again." I sat forward placing my weight into my right arm leaning into her slightly.

"I do though Edward." Her voice getting hostile. "And I love him," she was very matter of fact and wondered if the kiss had more effect on her than she would ever let on. Weather she really did enjoy it.

She shuffled in her spot, now sitting on her legs. She was getting uncomfortable with the topic of conversation that she started but for some reason she was still here and it was her that came to me, her that came into my bed.

"So did you?" I asked her. She looked at me blankly. I shifted forward once again moving into her space. "Did you enjoy it?" confirmed, asking the question she avoided last night.

She shifted her weigh once again her discomfort as clear as day.

She still wasn't answering me and I could feel my frustration grow but I would fight it, I wouldn't let it win. It would only give her the excuse to run away or fight me. I needed to stay calm for both our sakes.

"It's only a question Bella; did you enjoy it?" I asked her slowly

She swallowed hard and her eyes looked down to her knees.

In her moment of distraction I reached forward and kissed her on the lips. I held her head and she tried to pull away but I wouldn't let go. I trailed my tongue across her lips and she continued to fight me off of her. She was shaking her head out of my grasp so I gave up. Willing to accept that despite her being in my bed, it wasn't me who she wanted.

I released her from my grip and she pulled back into her position before she reached forward and slapped me hard across the face.

She hit me a sore fucking one as well, I could feel the heat and tingle in my cheek and she looked at me in the eye no doubt pretty fucking happy at her own reaction and rejection she had given me.

A few moments passed as she caught her breath and we glared at one another after hurting each other, me no doubt physically forcing myself on her and her for slapping me in retaliation.

She looked a little shaken and I berated myself for not thinking it though when I had kept my composure cool for so long before it.

Before I knew what was happening I seen her coming towards me once again but this time it was her lips that provided the impact.

She was kissing me.

She was fucking kissing me right back.

Without hesitation I cupped her cheek in my palm and responded. I granted her tongue the entrance it seemed to want as she pushed at my closed mouth forcefully.

I tasted her once again and I let my mouth consume her in a frenzied pace.

I don't know how long it would last and if I would ever have it again so I took all I could get.

I let my fingers comb through her hair, tugging at it slightly, bringing her closer into me.

It was that point I needed more of her. I let my hand fall from her hair and let them slide down her back. I could feel the bare skin of her shoulders before the material covered the rest of her quite modestly.

I pulled at the material wanting to put my hand other places and all the time my mind wondering why the fuck she wasn't trying to stop this.

I reached the bottom of her back and rested my hands at the top of her backside, refrain from completely abusing her.

She clearly wasn't thinking straight and as much as I wanted her, on top of me, below me, all the hell over me I would try to keep some composure some real perspective.

She was going to hate me by the time this was over but it was something I had to deal with because I knew this had quite simply made my life better.

* * *

_**a/n: Ok thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter – I beg of you to keep at it because it helped me get this chapter out a lot faster than I thought – I have been viding again.**_

_**I have made a new vid for this story – it shows Edward and Bella's blossoming relationship and a quite fitting song I think. So please go and check it out and let me know what you think. There is a link to it on my FF homepage.**_

_**Please remember to leave me some love**_

_**They keep my all human twilight world turning!!**_


	22. Chapter 21

_**a/n: ooh I have had one crazy week of it - and nothing of great interest either. Anyway her is chapter 21 – not my finest but it's needed!! Yes – you all know what those words mean – Jake!! Sorry!! And thank you so much for the reviews – I didn't get back to a lot of people, there was issues on FF with that but I hope to get back to you all next chapter so please leave some love.**_

* * *

**Chapter 21**

I could feel his warm fingers brush along my cheek, his body pressed into the back of mine with is arm wrapped from under me holding me securely in my place next to him.

"You sleeping all night?" he joked in a hushed tone.

I wriggled myself further in to his front and smiled. "If some one would let me." I joked back.

"Be nice, I only just got you back." He pulled at me, turning me around to face him before he kissed my lips.

"So, what have you got planned for me tonight?" his voice was husky as he whispered not too quietly in my ear.

"A night in front of the television with no touching." Charlie added in as he walked down the stairs dressed in a suit.

I jumped back around to see him look over at us as he played about with a tie.

"Don't you look handsome." I told him going to him and helping him fix it.

"Come on Charlie, you know I'm a total gent." Jacob joked back with him, squirming slightly at knowing how Charlie can be protective of me.

"Yeh, sure, I believe you." his thick brows rose, not too believing.

I laughed at the banter between the two and it made me feel at home, like I knew that I needed to be here after the past couple of confusing days.

_I had kissed Edward Cullen._

I still couldn't believe it. It was me, all my doing and nothing could take away that fact.

I had spent the entire drive trying to think of a plausible excuse for my actions but there wasn't one. Not one I could think of anyway.

I pulled at Charlie's jacket, straightening it up a little. "You look good, I'm sure you'll have a good night."

"Aww hell are you kidding, this is only an excuse for Sue to keep herself busy. She thought planning a Christmas party would be a great idea." He groaned.

Sue's husband had passed in the summer with a heart attack and not long after it began planning for Christmas. I hadn't even left for college when she began to take action and Charlie had heard every detail of it since, it was to be for the people of Forks and the surrounding area. The chief of police 'just had to go' according to Sue.

So here he was, all suited and booted and face full of thunder. It was pretty amusing actually. I would have to speak to Sue and find out just exactly she had been able to talk him in to it.

"Least my dad will be there." Jake tried to make him feel better knowing exactly just how much he would be dreading it.

"Yeh, but I still have the legs to dance." He let out flatly and, quite frankly a little shockingly.

Jake sniggered at his wrong joke. "Well, that one your just gonna have to suck up and deal with."

I would love to hear anyone's boyfriend speak the way Jake did to Charlie and get away with it but too Charlie, he was like a son and expected some typically ballsy teenage boy behaviour from him.

I knew that he actually loved it.

"Go – have fun." I commanded.

"Yeh, I'm going, you two – no nonsense." He eyed Jake as I sat down beside him, him wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Of course, as always." He told him as he placed a chaste kiss on my cheek and I tried to hold in a laugh.

Charlie was gone and out the door and I began to relax into Jake's warm arms trying to put the memories of the early hours of this morning out my head, trying to stop them from ever appearing again.

"So, what do you suggest?" He asked with his head turning down and around to meet mine. I knew from the tone in his voice what he wanted to do.

I shrugged not wanting to do anything. I just wanted to lay there in his arms and try and feel normal. Normal was coming back and I was happy to let it. I didn't want to think about _him_, I didn't want that though of me kissing him in my head anymore.

I didn't have anyone to blame and as wrong of me as I knew, I couldn't tell Jake either.

I had to think of it as a reckless moment that happened due to what had happened to us, the fact that he was the only one that understood the feelings in me at the moment.

I felt Jake nudge me, snapping me from my thoughts. "Can we just watch some telly?" I asked him, my voice quiet and shy.

He gave me a small smile and pulled me back with him in to the couch as he passed me the remote. "Since it's you," he kissed my head. ""You get to pick."

I smiled even though he couldn't see me because I felt myself come back to him a little more. And I knew I wanted that. I wanted Jake. Not Edward.

* * *

I lay haphazardly across his top half whit his arm wrapped around me. I tried to let my mind focus on the screen in front letting my mind settle.

I felt Jakes hand move through my hair and his fingers began to play with the strands.

_I felt his hand pull at me close, griping on to my hair; it was panicked and furious as I felt him give in to my kiss, though he didn't put up a fight. I could still feel my hand sting from the slap I had given him seconds before but he still wanted to kiss me._

I felt my self heat up and the room began to feel smaller. I shifted in Jakes arms and his hand fell to my shoulder stilling my unsettled moves.

_I felt his hand slide onto my shoulder and his bed warm hands warmed me up as they slid down and grasping at my back. _

_I still kissed him, as if I needed it. As if I needed him _

_But what I needed was proof; to be proven wrong that there wasn't anything to the kiss the previous night, that there wasn't anything other than curiosity there._

_His tongue was soft and gentle but the pace was fast and desperate as if he had been starved for weeks and was now being fed._

Jakes hand settled down on to my waist, his large hands clutching me, pulling my back in to him.

_Edward pulled me at my low waist, his hands resting at the bottom of my back, pulling me into him and I could feel that sculpted abdomen against my own. _

_His grip was harsh and I suddenly felt something else, lower. He needed more, he needed more of me and I couldn't give it to him._

_It snapped me back to reality like I had slapped Edward and my mouth ceased action and I froze up._

_He pulled away looking back into my eyes knowing, knowing that we, that I had done wrong and had dragged him along with me._

_He looked at me knowing it was over that the moment of madness had passed and he had been released._

"_Bella…" he tried to speak but I stopped him by holding my hand up in front of him as my eyes fell down at the shame I felt on myself at using him like this, at treating Jake like this._

_I shook my head softly backing up my action, praying for him not to utter another word, any word to justify or destroy what we had just shared._

_I fought the urge to do it myself. I couldn't justify a single heated second of it._

_But I didn't want to destroy it either, I only wanted for life not to take us here but now that it had I was regretful in everything, the fact that I had came here, came to him in the middle of the night, I had came to him wanting to kiss him, for it to prove to me that friendship was all that existed between us but in the cold light of the moon I knew it was something else._

_But something else that could not be allowed to exist._

_I picked my shaking legs up off of the bed, fighting slightly form Edwards warm hands and off out back the way I had came in._

_I sprinted the whole way and never thought about wakening anyone, my only thought was to get as much distance between Edward and me as possible._

I shifted up and out of Jakes grasp as I stood up moving through to the kitchen silently trying to runaway from my haunting thoughts.

"Bell…" he called from the doorway, he had followed me.

I smiled at him as I absentmindedly ran the cold tap and filling up an upside down tumbler from the draining board.

"Do you want a drink?" I asked him, trying not to look at him.

He shook his head and answered no in response as he walked over to me wrapping his arms behind me again.

"You ok?" He asked me in my ear in a worried voice.

I nodded in silence and kept my eyes forward.

He turned me around before tilting my head up to him. He gave me a small gentle kiss and I felt myself almost melt at his tenderness.

He was always so good to me. And here I was kissing another boy.

"You sure?" he asked checking.

I nodded and I didn't even believe myself.

I was far from ok after Edward had raided through my mind.

"I'm just a little tired." I shrugged.

"You want to go to bed?" I knew he was being sincere and I hated it. I wanted him to want more and for me to take it, but I didn't even know why.

I shook my head in response. "I want you." I reached up pulling him down to me and kissing him hard on the mouth.

I wanted him to take me, to make me forget all about that kiss, for him to give me something else that would blow it out of the water.

He pulled away looking at me hesitantly and a little worried. "Bella, are you ok?" his tone was forceful and serious but it was still low.

I nodded again and reached up to kiss him.

He pulled away not allowing it and I frowned at him. I felt annoyed, I needed what he could give me, I needed him to show me what we had.

"Bells…" he was questioning me, he could see something wasn't right.

"What Jake? What do you want? I seen my friend getting buried two days ago and you're questioning me about wanting to be close to you." I snapped at him and pulled back before turning away from him back facing the window I had been looking out of.

It was the best I could give him to explain my strange actions. He knew that there was something wrong and I could never tell him the truth no matter how much I wanted too.

He sighed behind me and I felt his hands rest on my sides as he kissed my shoulder.

"I was worried about you, ok." He kissed my ear and I let my body roll back into him.

I turned around facing him again and our lips met as let my fingers comb through his hair. I had yet another flash of Edward in my mind, my actions identical but I shook them loose as I tried to think about Jake.

I pulled away and looked up to him, begging for him to have me. I had to ask, he was worried about my actions just now. "Please…I just need you." I promised whole heartedly to him and myself and hoped that it was true. That he was all I would ever need.

He nodded and pulled me up, allowing me to wrap my legs around him as our kisses commenced once again.

He walked me up to my room then lay me on the bed where we made love just like we had a hundred times before.

But this time it was different, this time when we fell into one another after a wave of pleasure it wasn't him I craved more of.

It was Edward and the kiss I had shared with him.

* * *

Jake had fallen asleep with his arms around me, holding me tight and I didn't want to ever leave him, I didn't want to go out into that world where others belonged, I wanted only the two of us, but it was too late. Edward seemed to manage to breakthrough and cloud my mind still, even in the heat of pleasure with the boy I loved.

I pulled myself out from Jakes grasp and reached for my dressing gown and wrapped it around me, keeping me from getting cold as I walked back down the stairs.

All the lights were still on and glancing at the clock reading eleven o'clock I knew Charlie wouldn't be back home for another few hours.

I walked back through to the kitchen and picked up the glass I had used earlier and filled it with water once again but I didn't drink from it.

I leaned back against the sink and my eyes swept across the empty room. I wanted Jake here. Against the sink, on the table or hell even the floor but as always he settled me down on the plush of my bed and laced me in his tender touch.

Jake loved me and I knew he loved to make love to me but I was still his 'little Bella'. He was built like an ox, strong, sturdy and he protected me like a guardian angle. I was, it seemed, too precious for him to let the passion get out of control. He wanted to protect me and keep me safe, up on a pedestal.

But that wasn't me, I wanted more, I needed to know he couldn't keep his hands off me, for him to claw at me desperately, for me to know he couldn't wait and had to have me on top of the table or on the couch.

I needed that. I needed more. I just didn't know how to tell him.

I sat down at the table with the glass of water that I never drank and looked at the floor imagining what could have been.

It seemed ridiculous once I had thought about it long enough. What did I want? Some guy to treat me like crap and use me anyway he wanted.

I wanted Jake I just wanted him to let go a little of his self control, to let us get carried away in the moment just once.

I was ashamed to think of it. Jake had passion; he had passion for life, passion for everything stupid like cliff diving and even passion for me. He just seemed to lose his passion when it actually came to me, to me physically and I hated it.

I felt like I was untouchable and everything I never got from Jake was exactly what I had felt when I had kissed Edward.

I swallowed deep once again at the thought of kissing him, making my self try to kiss him. I had gone to him with that purpose but I couldn't make myself do it.

When he tried kissing me himself, I wanted away from him. I was scared that he had felt it too, that he wanted it also.

As soon as I got away and slapped him I knew it was a mistake. I wanted more. I needed more. I needed confirmation. I needed evidence.

And I got it.

I got how my body reacted to him and I definitely got how his body reacted to me. His tight grip on my hair and then pulling me into him so strongly so…needing and passionately physical.

I shook the notion of out my head. I knew I had to keep fighting them away. I was messing with my future at any thought I allowed to linger in my mind.

I could not have him there anymore.

* * *

It was four days after Christmas and I was messing around the house myself. Charlie was at work and Jake was working on an engine so I took advantage and lay out on my bed, still in my pyjamas and read a book.

It was still relatively early; it must have been around the back of eleven when my phone rang.

Reaching for it I saw Alice's name flash across the screen and felt a flutter of excited butterflies come to the surface.

We had spoken a lot since I had left her that Saturday morning. We always stayed on relatively safe subjects but we had spoken about school and we were both waiting patiently to hear about our new accommodation that the university would have had to look out for us.

"Bella, I need to see you. Can you get down here?" I laughed a little at her mad ramble and the fact she hadn't even said hello. She was buzzing with excitement and I didn't have a clue why.

"Umm, Alice, breathe." I ordered. "Ok, what do you need me for and when?"

She laughed a little at my command and she paced her words down as she began again. "Mum and dad have an idea for accommodation; they are buying an apartment and want you to move in with me."

"What?" I asked in shock. "Why?" I asked not understanding what was going on.

"We'll they thought that we had been through enough without doing the whole halls thing again and well the apartment across the hall from Em and Rose has just went up for sale…"

"So there buying you an apartment?" I was amazed. I knew that they had money but to buy an apartment when we would already be given a room somewhere.

"I know, that's why I need you to come to Seattle. We need to talk it over and make a decision." She told me with an urgent tone.

"When do you want me there?" I asked, jumping at the chance to have an apartment with Alice.

I was excited. In fact excited was an understatement. It would be great the two of us sharing and living together. I could already imagine our perfect synchronicity from our room in halls transferring to an apartment with ease.

"That's the thing Bella; we needed you like an hour ago. So we need you to leave as soon as. Just pack a bag for a few nights and drive straight down – can you do that?"

"Umm..ehh." I struggled trying to think, so I didn't. "I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm leaving just now."

"Ok, call us when you're near or if you get lost ok."

"Ok." I confirmed as I jumped out of bed and picked up the first bag that came to hand and hung up the phone.

I pulled at my clothes from the drawers and cupboards, packing something nice too knowing Alice may drag me out for a night on the town.

Looking down at myself I tied my hair back in a messy bun and headed for a quick shower leaving my hair and releasing it from its bobble once I was washed and dressed.

I made a quick call to my dad who was a little worried about my sudden journey but I think he was a little happy at the prospects of me moving into a proper apartment with Alice. He had never liked the idea of halls but it was what I wanted at the time so he relented, giving me what I wanted.

After that I called Jake. He was taken aback a little but understood that it was important so he let me go without a complaint, most likely knowing it was what I needed. I needed something to look forward to, for going back to school, not the thought of another strange dorm that might be ill fitted with smoke detectors.

I packed my backpack and after my two calls I was on the road headed for Seattle within twenty minutes.

* * *

It was about an hour into my drive when I first though about him. _Edward._

I knew I would see him eventually but it hadn't entered my head with all the thoughts of the apartment. Then the next thought came.

Where would Edward be living?

I knew the apartment was big, it was meant to be a mirror image of Emmett and Rosalie's and there was more than enough space for those two.

Would Alice really leave Edward to halls or an apartment all by himself?

I began to worry at the prospects of sharing with him after what had happened but I shook it from my head, like I did with all my thoughts of him, and continued driving.

I would find out soon enough what Alice's plans were.

I loved the thought of Alice and I having an apartment. It would be great fun. It would be our own little home, if even only for a little while until Jake moved to Seattle to be with me.

I finally reached the Cullen's home with a little help from Alice along the way; I did in fact manage to get lost. I had managed to completely drive past the driveway.

Getting out of the car I felt the little pixie herself crash into my back and pushing me back into my truck.

Turning around I greeted her in a bone crushing hug as I seen Jasper, Esme and Carlisle come out to greet me also. Edward wasn't there.

I prayed that he wasn't here just now.

"That was pretty quick, Bella?" Esme laughed lightly with the sound of soft bells as she hugged me.

"Well I just had to get down hear and see what was happening." I shrugged excitedly with a grin on my face at the apartment prospects.

"Well I suppose we should get in and discuss it. I would like your fathers in put too, I know your eighteen Bella, but I would be a lot happier if he agreed with whatever we decide." Carlisle spoke.

"Trust me, he will be happy at anything that doesn't involve halls, but I'll ask him." I nodded knowing if they were going to be so kind it was the least I could do to show them respect.

"Come on then, let's get this sorted." Jasper added as he threw an arm around me then Alice.

Jasper, was he part of it too?

Once inside and settled, Alice floated away to come back moments later with a scowling Edward.

This was the first time I seen him since I had left his room in the middle of the night almost two weeks ago. He had sent a text but I let my guilt consume me too much and I had deleted it without answering him.

He threw himself down onto the seat furthest away from us, the rest of us sitting at one end of the long dining room table.

"Edward." Esme silently ordered him to edge closer but his reaction was to look away and ignore her.

I felt bad for Esme but she didn't let it deter her. I couldn't tell if this was one of his depressions or if it was only in response to me. I knew that this was his usual behaviour but I didn't know if it was his act or his depression and I needed to know.

I was usually the only one that knew the truth.

"Right." Esme began, sounding a little excited herself. "Alice came to me with this thought and to be honest I like it." She gave a small nod to a beaming Alice. "Alice suggested that since you four," she looked at Alice, Jasper Edward and Me. "became friends, that you could share together."

Shit. Of course it wasn't just going to be Alice and me. I should have known that she wouldn't leave Edward.

I swallowed thickly at the prospects but didn't let it show. I kept smiling even though it wasn't real and I could feel Edward's gaze on me before he shifted around in his seat before standing up and walking to a window in the room.

Alice Jumped in "Edward and Jazz could share a room like in halls and me and you could share a room like we already did." She told me the perfect idea. But after what happened, it didn't seem so perfect now. I nodded with my smile never faltering.

I knew how she and Jaspers relationship had been in halls, with Edward being kicked out of his room and sleeping in Alice's vacant bed. Was this going to happen again?

I knew it would but I had to try and put the thought out of my head.

Carlisle added in "The apartment is bought, we either put you lot into it or we rent it out. We wouldn't charge you rent as long as you keep it in the condition it's in."

It went without saying, and we all nodded enthusiastically except for Edward who was still by the widow.

"Edward?" Carlisle called. He wanted confirmation from him too.

"What?" He asked tiredly and not even turning to face us.

"Are you happy with this idea or want to stay in the dorms that they give you?" Carlisle's tone was flat and he seemed to be growing slightly irate with Edward's actions.

Edward shrugged his shoulders, "Does it matter what I think?" he turned around facing us, facing me. "You always just do what you want anyway."

He turned back to his window.

Alice getting more and more pissed of at her brother too. "Edward, come and talk about it with us. Your part of it, if you want to be." Through really we knew she wouldn't have him go off to hall's himself so if he wasn't agreeing, then it was all going to fall through.

At her request he moved back to the seat he had occupied and nodded, silently agreeing to the new living arrangements.

"Right, so were agreed, Edward and Jasper share and you, Bella share with Alice." Alice gave Japer a sly smile at that one as Esme nodded to herself. "The apartment needs to be redecorated so you will all have a say on that one." Alice bounced in her seat to that one too.

"As for keeping it tidy, you all have to pitch in." Carlisle ordered and Jasper, Alice and I all nodded silently.

* * *

It had been a few hours since we all agreed to share together and like I promised, I had called Charlie and he was happy to agree to the new set up. Although he didn't love the idea that I was going to be sharing with two guys he didn't hate it either. He knew that Alice and Jasper were in a relationship and that it was Edward that saved me from the fire and that was good enough for him.

"So I was thinking about purple for our room?" Alice held up a swatch of fabric.

"Purples cool." I nodded with a smile. I wanted to ask her about the old arrangement of living together. Would she be sneaking off to Jaspers room like before? I kept quiet until it came up.

"We should go help Jazz, Edward will no doubt be giving him hell." We had left the two boys in the dining room to talk about what they wanted but Edward still seemed very subdued when we left them to it.

"Edward? Is he ok?" I asked trying not to rouse suspicion.

"Its Edward," Alice shrugged. "He just loves to act the dick." The words spilled of her lips almost comically but I winced inside wondering if it was anything to do with me.

"What about teal?" Jasper asked Edward as we walked in.

"Teal? You sound gay, stop listening to Alice." He was pretty flat in his tone but there was something a little cold in his words, he was joking with Jasper but his tone suggested that he was being off with him too.

At that he stood up and headed towards us, toward the door. He pushed by knocking at my shoulder without a word.

"Ignore him babe," Alice told Jasper "he's only jealous you know what colour teal is." She had floated over to him and was right now straddling him and began kissing him.

In my moment of awkwardness I told them I was leaving them to it and had headed back out the dining room not sure where to go.

* * *

I had wandered the quiet halls myself. Esme and Carlisle had left and Rose and Emmett were back home at there apartment after Christmas.

I walked the two flights of stairs, to my room. I had been placed next to Edward again as Jasper had filled the room I stayed in from when I stayed after the funeral.

It was quiet but I knew it was where Edward was hiding out, in his room alone. I stopped outside it raising my hand to knock but I stopped.

I wanted to go into him and talk like we did, like we use to but everything had changed, I didn't know if I could have him as my friend anymore.

I hesitated for a few more moments and decided I needed to speak to him, we had to have this all cleared up before we all moved in together.

I walked in, not even knocking and found him lying on his front; he was sleeping with music playing quietly in the background.

Looking down at him he seemed so innocent, I couldn't believe this sleeping boy was the one that could be so sneering when he wanted to be. Even if it was an act.

This was my Edward, the Edward I could talk to the Edward that hugged me and kept me warm.

I looked down at the boy that was himself around me, the boy I missed.

I carefully sat on the bed so not to disturb him and lay down beside him, watching him look so full of piece.

His usual piece of hair hung down low across his eye and before I had even a moment to think about it I had brushed it back letting my fingers comb through his messy copper locks.

He stirred at my movement and I snapped my hand back in shock at myself for doing it and in worry of disturbing him from his sleep.

I nervously clasped my hands together and lay still hoping that he would fall back in to his slumber but it was too late.

He shuffled in his position and began to open his gorgeous green eyes.

Jade staring back at me, so intense and full of fire.

I couldn't for the life of me move, as much as I wanted too, as much as I needed too. I couldn't.

He lay there, both of us looking straight into the other.

This was so stupid of me, and completely reckless. I couldn't understand my actions at all. I couldn't comprehend any part of my mind allowing this but somehow it had.

He quickly reached for my clutched hands and I jumped slightly with fright at his speed.

His grip was tight and his eyes never left mine.

I somehow managed to look away and down at our hands. His grip was still tight and I tried to pull away gently but nothing happened.

I still hadn't thought of anything to say. My mind was drawing blanks and I began to panic. Not at Edward but at the strange power he seemed to have over me.

* * *

_**a/n: Ok I know not one of my better chapters and sorry for lacking Edward – I just know I will get it in the ear but we will have more of him very soon – Just hold tight and of course leave me some love.**_


	23. Chapter 22

_**a/n: sorry these seem to take so long to be coming out now. Not quite a new one every day but there getting a little harder now as the story build up. We had left Bella in Edward bed last time will she still be there!!**_

_**Enjoy – its Edward and Bella overload!!**_

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**EPOV**

I could still see the brown of her eyes as she looked down at our hands touching.

I didn't want to ever let go of her but at the same time I didn't want her here. She had just walked away, she didn't want to hear any of it, she wanted to pretend it never happened. If that's how she wanted it that's how she was going to get it.

I remember seeing her drive away after hugging my family, I stood back from the window and she just left, without coming to say goodbye or anything.

The only good thing to come from it was any suspicion Emmett may have still had after catching her in my bed was now gone.

But now she was back and in the place I never thought I would see her again. My bed.

I tried to keep my breath steady as I looked down at her as she tried to pull her hand free once again and my grip around her hands grew. I was thankful for her tiny hands being able to fit so well in my one.

I had thought about her constantly the past two weeks. One side of me was loathing her and the other part of me longing for her.

She had walked away from me and I struggled to forgive her for it.

Yes, I knew she had a boyfriend. Yes, I knew how wrong of me it was to still want her to stay, and fuck, yes; I knew how wrong of me it was to still want her.

I would take anything from her. Even another slap, as long as she was the one to give it, I would take it.

I had listened into chitchat between Alice, Rose and my mum to find out what had been happening in her life. Was she still with that beast? I presumed so.

So what the hell was she doing back in _my_ bed again?

"Why are you here?" I asked her, her eyes snapping back up to mine. She looked worried, but I knew she wasn't afraid of me. She surely knew I couldn't ever hurt her, no matter how hard she had hurt me.

My tone was a little cold to say the least but that pain I couldn't spare her of. It was all my mind would allow me to give. And well, she was a little deserving of it.

She looked back down to our hands, my hand pressing hers further into the mattress.

"I…I wanted to talk." She seemed nervous.

"About..?" I gripped her even harder and she shifted, Ok now I knew I must have been hurting her slightly but it would be all I do to try and get an answer out of her.

Her eyes looked up at me. "Your hurting me." her eyes seemed to water slightly but it wouldn't be from my grip, I wasn't that hard. She was beginning to panic.

I sat up letting go of her hands and looked away from her.

"Bella, why the hell are you in my room?" I still didn't look at her but I could see her sit up from the corner of my eye.

"I wanted to talk…about moving in."

I snorted and shifted further away, leaning up against my headboard. "What about it?" my tone was flat and I couldn't be bothered with her. I had been trying to sleep.

Anxiety had gotten the better of me after hearing she was on her way and had spent the past three hours prior to her arrival throwing up and once my stomach contents were gone I still dry heaved.

My body was exhausted by her, her, in my mind, over and over, fucking again and again.

"Edward I want us to be friends."

I looked at her as if she was crazy and she paused for a moment thinking.

"I..umm…Edward…What I did was wrong. I shouldn't have kissed you but you shouldn't have kissed me either."

I looked away knowing she was right. "I love Jake." I hated the sound of that guy's name.

"I want us to go back to how we were-"

I cut her off; I didn't want to listen to another of her 'we're friends' speeches. It cut like a damn knife last time. "You never answered me Bella, why are you here? In my bed?" I emphasised my last three words and she shifted uncomfortably.

"Because…Well because I like lying next to you. You look…endearing…when you sleep?"

"Endearing?" I looked back at her disbelieving. "And what, I'm not so endearing when I'm awake?"

"Not always," she sighed "Not just now." She mumbled.

"Bella, you climbed into my bed – while I was sleeping – and expect me to forget what happened last time you were in it." This was shit and even she knew it. She really expected me to go with it. I knew I was close to cracking and it was possible that I would.

But right now I was standing strong and I would keep it going for as long as I could.

She moved to me, placing her hand on my knee. "Please Edward; I'm not saying we go back to how it was, just let's be sociable for Alice."

"So this is all about Alice?" I couldn't believe she would be so vindictive so Alice wouldn't notice any change.

She pulled closer, resting her other hand on my knee. I could feel my stance beginning to crumble with this one. She looked at me all Bambi doe eyes and I slipped a little further.

I closed my eyes and looked away once again.

"I just want us to be civil, and of course I want us to go back to how we were, we were good friends." Her hand squeezed my knee reassuring her more than me I think. "You said you trusted me?" I could hear the pain in her voice as she spoke and another piece of me slipped.

I looked back at her; it was incredulous that she thought anything different. I still trusted her, couldn't she see that was what my problem was.

I wanted to take her hand and tell her, tell her it all but she knew I wanted her. Why else would I have kissed her?

I swallowed and looked at her small hands resting on my leg and it took all the power in me not to reach for her.

Instead I pulled my leg away and shifted further along the bed.

"You know for someone so worried about Alice, she could come crashing through here any second looking for either one of us."

"I don't care." She was firm, a little too firm and it scared me. Bella held all the cards in this. I could see that now. She didn't have anything to lose; it wasn't her that treated her family like I did.

"You should go." But I didn't want her to go.

Shit, this girl had got so deep into my skin I couldn't get her out of me now. All I wanted was more and more.

The kiss was my first mistake, I needed more. When I allowed her to kiss me that was it – game over.

She looked at me, never moving.

"Bella, what do you want form me? You want things to be normal for Alice, then leave, things in Alice's world wont change. She will still see us as she thought we were." I still couldn't look at her.

She moved along the bed closer to me once again. I felt like I was being followed across my own bed.

I drew my knees up to my chest. To that she moved closer, I was slowly being cornered on my own bed and even though it was Bella doing it, I don't like it.

She rested her hands on my knees and I could feel the electricity spark between us.

It was a chance for me to move forward, kiss her and see what happens or try to walk away.

She reached forward and brushed a piece of hair out of my eye. I knew that it always annoyed her and she couldn't help but reach for it.

She let her hand linger in my hair than was more than necessary as she tried to fathom my thoughts. I was still trying to work them out for my self.

She inched closer and reached into hug me. At her action I stood up on my bed and walked past her as I jumped off the mattress onto the carpet.

"You're still doing it Bella." I warned her.

"Doing what, all I want is my friend. Edward..." She sighed and turned to face me, crawling to the edge of my bed.

"You crawl into my bed, you play with my hair and you tried to cuddle me. That's what you're doing." I let out a frustrated sigh. "I wouldn't mind it half as much if you just admitted it. Admit there was something else that made you want to come back and kiss me. Something more than your letting on and something more than just friends." I tried to keep cool and calm but I was beginning to loss patience. She needed to see it for herself or open her eyes up to the reality.

She was silent, looking down at her lap and chewing on her lip. I just wanted to try and separate her teeth to release the poor flesh.

She looked back up at me nodding. _What the hell was she nodding at?_

"I know, ok? I know what happened, I know what I have done and I know that I need to forget about it."

"Forget about it?" Did she want to forget about me?

"I love Jake. I know what we, I did was wrong and I'm sorry. But I want to be your friend."

"So what your saying I was completely wrong, this is not a two way street?" I knew it was working both ways. It wasn't just coming from me surely. The having a boyfriend part I could understand. Jake would never do wrong to her, not like how I could speak to her, like I already had. He would never insinuate things about her like I had done.

"I have…I think a lot of you, I really do and when you kissed me, it confused me. But I'm with Jake. I love him."

I nodded silently. Anything that had happened between us was not enough to rival Jake.

I sat down defeated. She didn't want me. Of course I was never going to be enough for her.

"Edward-" I held up a hand to stop her but she didn't. "I really do care about you. And I know it's more than I should. I worry about that, but I still want us to continue on how we were."

I combed my fingers through my hair and would never have noticed my action if it wasn't for Bella pulling my hand back.

I looked back across at her and I just had to have her one more time. I leaned in slowly and captured her lips in mine. She seen my motions but never tried to stop me.

I pulled away, somewhat satisfied with my chaste kiss and suddenly felt her move back into me.

Her hand reached into my hair, pulling me into her and she slipped her tongue along my lips before I let my own slip out and into her mouth tasting her once again.

I let my hand reach into her hair too, our kiss was slow and….well, loving. I knew by the end of it I would be broken but it was a price I would take for a moment with her.

I pushed forward, pushing her back and before I knew it I was leaning over the top of her, our kiss deep and passionate.

She pulled me into her closer again and I felt my bottom half pull into her.

She wanted this more than she was letting on. I wasn't wrong. She wasn't some actress. I could see through everything she did. She wanted this just as much as I did. She pulled at my hair, fisting it needing more.

I let my hands fall from her hair and gripped onto her waist.

God, I needed air but I knew once we stopped it would be back to reality.

I pressed my lips into her deeper, taking my last everything before I pulled back.

Slowly I released her lip from between my teeth and she looked up at me, hooded eyes filled with lust and I knew she wanted more but the blast of oxygen would have her seeing straight again in no time.

She looked up at me, taken aback and I began to worry. I was expecting another slap, verbal abuse but her silence scared me more.

She continued to look up and her eyes began to glisten with unshed tears.

She pushed me up off of her as she sat up bolt right and caught her breath. She was trembling and it was as if she was afraid.

Afraid of what – I didn't know.

"I'm sorry, I…I should." She looked up at me and my thought of me being broken was wrong. It looked as if I had been the one to break her.

"No…forget about it, I shouldn't have." I shook my head at my stupidity. She was clearly confused enough and here was I making it worse for her.

I had never felt so frustrated and sorry for any one at the same time before in my life.

Her breath stuttered and before I knew it she had raced out of my room door and into the room next to me.

* * *

I had left her to it for the rest of the day. She didn't need to see me after what we did. The guilt seemed to consume her enough before she had even managed to leave my room.

It was stupid to say the least but now it made me even more positive she was hiding from her feelings.

But I didn't know if I was just something that was confusing her more through a hard time with her boyfriend, that I was leading her away from him with the stress of them not being able to see one another.

That thought made me sick. As if I was taking advantage.

I suppose it was all the same in the end. That's how a lot of relationships end, one screwed the other over.

I still wanted her here despite my protests. I want her in my damn bed, right beside me.

She looked a lost at dinner but tried her best to keep up with Alice's jabbering and made noises at al the right times though Alice did notice her change. Bella blamed it on the long drive, that she was tired.

Alice swallowed it without question and said for her to have an early night with the promise of beginning to start on the apartment. Alice was adamant that now we were all agreed it would be best to start straight away.

I turned to look at the clock, reading the red glow and telling me it was almost two.

I was still sitting in the dark and unable to sleep – and I needed it.

I rolled around in my covers a few more times with that kiss from this afternoon playing through my head.

I wanted to do it again but for Bella's sake I wouldn't try it, no matter how much I wanted to.

I still wanted her beside me though. I felt lost that she was in the house sleeping and it wasn't beside me. We always seemed to be drawn to one another at night in this place but she wasn't here, she wasn't next to me and it was entirely my fault for pushing her.

I switched on the light and reached for a book. Surely I could distract my mind for a slither of time, let my mind rest from her running around in it.

I read the first chapter and never took in a single word of it. Throwing it to the side I knew it was useless. I wriggled back down deeper into my covers and thought of all the empty space I still had.

I wondered if Bella was having the same night as I was. I knew her head had been left clouded and that she would struggle to sleep. And then there was the issue of her sleeping here last time with images of the fire.

Was she scared and suffering alone because of me.

I kept blaming it on me because, well I kick started this whole mess. If I hadn't of tried to kiss her she would never have kissed me back.

We would both still be living in denial but we hadn't moved on from that one too much either. We'll Bella was still deep in it.

I had had enough of my thoughts and needed action. I lifted the covers off of me and quietly crept to where I would find her.

Opening up her room door I seen her outline shuffle in the dark no doubt surprised at my arrival in her room.

She never spoke but she sat up, expecting? I couldn't tell.

I walked up to the edge of the bed before I lifted up the covers and silently got under with her.

She didn't speak either; she only pulled into my chest and draped an arm around my waist before resting her head on my torso.

"Friends?" I asked her in a whisper and she nodded in response.

"You know I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to…earlier…" Her arm griped further around my waist and her head pressed further into my chest.

She shook her head into my chest. "I shouldn't have kissed you back. But why do you keep doing it?" she was quiet and sad. You could hear the mental struggle she was having. She reminded me of myself.

"I just wanted to have it one last time." My tone matched hers.

She pulled away with me with an exhausted sigh, rolling on the her back. "I wished you didn't because…" her sentence never finished.

A moment passed and I wanted to know what was at the end of that sentence.

"Because?" I asked her.

She shifted towards me again, keeping her head down and out of sight. "Because…because I wanted it but I don't. This is co confusing to me, all of it. I don't eve know when it started..."

"What started?" I pushed her because not only did I need to know what was going on in her mind, she needed to say it out aloud for her own benefit, listen to what her gut, her heart was telling her.

"This. Us. This whole pile of crap. Did you just tell me about your self because you were interested in me and thought it would get you somewhere?"

"No! Christ Bella that wasn't my plan. I told you because I knew I could trust you. I knew after everything that had happened, how we were with one another, that you weren't just a random stranger, that even though I tried to keep you away from me there was some…pull."

"Pull?"

"Yeh I didn't want you near me from the moment I seen you. I was…I' am'" I sighed in pure frustration of having to dig deep and pull this truth out of me. She always seemed to get the best out of me despite my attempts to stop it but this; this was going to be harder to admit, showing my true feelings. "I' am attracted to you and when I first seen you I felt it instantly and prayed you were the opposite of everything you have showed me. I didn't want you coming in complicating my mind but you showed me nothing but honesty and support. And then you had to go and save my fucking life and kiss me-"

"You knew I kissed you?" She asked surprised.

"I told you in the hospital that it was like switching positions, when we were hugging?" I shrugged.

"Yeh but still… I didn't know you knew about that." she looked back down and stayed there.

"Well you kissed me and I don't know, it done something to me-"

"But you told me you didn't want to be friends, you pushed me away."

"Because it was best for you, look what I have done. I almost got you killed in a fire and I kissed you."

"But I kissed you too." She looked back up at me determined for me not to blame myself for what happened. "And do not blame yourself about the fire ever again. It was not your fault I was there."

I sighed at the thought of this constant argument but let it drop. It wasn't the issue here.

"Bella, fact was I wanted you away from me and you kept seeping into me and it just made me want you more and more. I was happy with friends. I _was_ happy…until something told me it wasn't just me that had more than…_friendly _feelings."

"You think I want to be more than friends with you?"

I gently lifted her up and sat up, gently pressing her out of my way. This was doing my head in. Did she think I was to tell her how she was feeling? Is this how Jake made her feel?

She slid forward sitting side by side to me, not touching but I could feel her eyes linger on me.

"Bella, what do you feel for me? You kissed me."

She nodded; I could feel the movement through the bed. "I guess I liked your company, at first I was intrigued by you, I suppose you could say I felt some kind of _pull_ to you too." She sighed again. "You were in my thoughts a lot. I suppose I can admit that…I thought a lot about you the past two weeks."

"So what are you trying to say?"

"I'm confused. At one side of me there is you, I connect to you, I think I understand you." I nodded silently agreeing. I had never met anyone that had got me like she did. "I feel…content when I cuddle into you, like its natural, that it's not wrong, even though really, it is."

She was quiet for a moment, the both of us thinking her words over. "And what is on the other side of me" I asked in a whispered croak. I really didn't want to here this reality.

"Jake." She whispered out, her tone almost ashamed at everything else she had admitted about me. "We have it all planned out, it was going to be easy but we would manage." I was sure she was telling this to herself rather than me.

"But its not?" I asked.

"No, its been really hard and everything feels…mixed up." She ran her hands through her hair and I reached for one of them pulling it out and kept my hold on it.

"But you still want Jake?" I asked her, the pain of that question shot through my heart.

"I love Jake." She told me simply and I knew it was true, that despite whatever had gone on between us and how mixed up and confused she felt, she was sure she still loved him.

I picked her hand up to my lips and gently kissed the back of her hand. Whatever it was, whatever we had was finished. And like I knew would happen, I didn't get the girl. She belonged to someone else.

Her body shook and I turned to face her, tears making tracks along her pale cheeks.

I wiped one away and then another. "Bella, love, don't cry." My heart couldn't take anymore tonight and I didn't know if I could handle her tears. I understood why she was crying though, she knew what was happening.

"What's going to happen now?" her voice sobbed out and I reached my arm around her back, pulling her into me by her waist and rested my other hand on her cheek turning her to face me.

"Now…we start a new chapter, we try to be how real friends are or we walk away." I told her honestly because I knew for my own sanity I needed a line that I knew I couldn't cross, she had to give me one or we would become an even bigger mess.

Her sobs continued to stutter out. "I want what we have. I don't want it any other way." She told me as she gripped into my side looking me straight in the eye.

"Bella be reasonable, I need to keep my own mind straight."

She sat there looking into my eyes, her brown bored into mine and not a single second of it felt uncomfortable. It took all my strength not to reach and kiss her.

"Kiss me."

"What?" I asked a little surprised at her request, we had just worked through this.

"Kiss me." she ordered again.

I let her go but she clung on to me. I tried to move away from her but she held on too tight. "I think I should go." I said the words and I meant them but I just seemed unable to move. I wanted that kiss, I would have died happily for that kiss but I couldn't kiss her again.

She shifted onto her knees, her grip still strong on the side of my t-shirt in the palm of her hand. Moving in closer to me I knew she was going to do it herself, she was going to try and kiss me. I moved my head down, she couldn't reach my lips now and I felt some small relief and hatred wash over me.

The next thing I felt was her climbing over my knees, straddling me. My hand automatically reached for her, supporting her and I could have slapped my self for it. The want of her was too much when she was this close, my body reacted everywhere, my hands clutched at her backside, helping her ease down onto my legs and my dick twitched at her behaviour. It was rash and not very Bella but she wasn't fighting fair but honestly I didn't know why or what we were fighting now.

"Kiss me." her tone was needing and low. She wasn't trying to seduce me she was trying to still figure this all out in her head. She sounded desperate.

I looked up at her, cursing myself but I would not kiss her.

Her cheeks were still tear stained and more flowed as I met her face. She wrapped her arms around my neck, our chests almost brushing off of one another.

She moved in and reached my lips with her own and I died some more. It was heaven but I knew hell was sure to follow.

Her tongue begged for entrance to my mouth but I refused, well I tried to refuse. Her fingers slid through the back of my hair and I crumbled into a heap, quickly wrapping my arms around her waist, pulling her into me and allowing her into my mouth, tasting her. _Shit_. It was good.

All reason had gone truly flying out the fucking window now. We knew what conclusion we had come to but here we were, not paying a blind bit of notice to it.

My hands slid back to her arse, pulling her closer to me,. I groaned at the sensation of my hard on brush against the area between her legs and before I knew it I had her flipped onto her back, pressing her into the mattress.

I needed more, she was like fucking heroin and I needed more for a decent hit.

Our mouths continued to cross into one another's along with our tongues. She bit onto my lip and a desperate groan came again and I pulled her into me, pulling her legs around me.

The kiss had started tender but had grown to lust filled passion in the matter of moments, Bella seeming as desperate as me.

I kept my hands steady above the material of her bottoms. No matter how desperate I became I would not cross that line. It was the only fucking obvious one for me to see.

Her hands moved from my hair and gripped at the front of my t-shirt trying to get me closer to her, her legs wrapping around my thighs. Her hand slid down and I almost came with the touch of her fingers above the waist of my boxers, she was inches away from my hard on and I knew she had felt it press up against her, in fact she had rubbed herself up against it.

I didn't know how long I was going to last with our heated touching but I didn't want to stop, and I knew I couldn't orgasm with her. It was just so bloody wrong.

My breathing struggled and we both panted, completely ignoring the fact we were desperate for air. Neither one of us was willing to stop.

I suddenly felt her fingers brush the inside waist band of my boxers and I froze.

This was a kiss, ok a pretty damn heated kiss but I wouldn't take it any further, I wouldn't allow either one of us to touch the other like that.

She still kissed against me, her hand pulling the material further away from my skin and at that I jumped up from her and stood at the side of the bed.

"Wha…Whe…Where are you going?" she rushed out desperate as she sat up surprised.

"We need a line and we need to draw it out now. That can't happen again and you can't touch me like that?"

"Like what?" she asked and she looked genuinely confused.

"You were going into my boxers, you hand was…" I let out a loud agitated sigh because I just couldn't let my thoughts go there. "Friends we agreed."

She looked down and she was ashamed and I felt like crap for making her realize she was wrong. "I'm sorry…" she whispered out so quiet I could barley hear her.

"What do you want, because going with that, you want something more?" She needed to think this through on her own.

She shrugged "I don't know what I want, all I know was I didn't want it to stop." She hid her face in her hands.

"Friends Bella, Friends." I reminded her and with that I walked out the room without another word or look.

* * *

_**a/n: lol anyone a little turned on? Was my luke warm lemons good enough? They will be getting hotter.**_

_**Oh bella bella bella what do you think she wants? She can't seem to let go of Edward at all but she is still so positive she loves Jake!!**_

_**Please let me know what you think. They help me out so so much.**_

_**Let's get the reviews to 300 please!! I would be happy dancing for the next week – well along with trying to type up the next chapter.**_


	24. Chapter 23

_**a/n: I can only thank you all for the support you are all giving me on this story – the reviews are amazing. Please don't stop. Thank you so much I never, ever expected this reaction – at all!! xx**_

**_I didn't think I would get this out as soon but it was pouring out of me but now my head hurts lol - my poor abused eyes at this coputer screen._**

* * *

**Chapter 23**

**BPOV**

I walked down the isle following Alice behind as she pushed the trolley with the six containers of paint that I knew was going to be too much for just our room. "Alice, really, we won't need all that." I tried to reason.

"We take it and if we don't need it we can return what we never opened." She shrugged not even looking back at me as she made her way to the end of the isle before turning into the next.

She disappeared around the corner and I quickened my footing to catch up with her. I was being dragged around some large store stocking up on what we needed to decorate the flat and Alice had been driving me insane for the last hour though we had only actually been in the shop for twenty minutes.

She knocked on my door before coming straight in with a cup of black sugary coffee at seven this morning and after my late night altercation with Edward, it was the last thing I needed. But I knew it had to be done.

In my tired daze my head looked around at all the dangling lights above me now and Alice began to fill the peaceful silence again. "So I thought if we talked the guys into helping us do our room first we could help them with theirs after it then onto the rest of the apartment."

It made sense but I thought I would wind her up a little. "And why not do their room first?" I shrugged feigning nonchalance.

She turned to look at me and the look in her eye told me not to stir. She knew instantly I was trying to get I rise out of her. It made me laugh but I kept it inside. "Our room is being done first." She told me matter-of-fact. "Besides it saves Edward from hiding away on his own if I ask him to help. He's been off for so long, sometimes we see a little bit of something and we know he's still there but it seems like this time he's… gone." Her tone was sad and sorry and I hated myself for all I knew and all I couldn't tell her.

"Has he said anything to you about it?" she turned to look at me.

I was shocked she had asked me this. Why would she suspect anything had gone on

between us? Was our silent friendship not so silent?

"Why would I know anything?" I asked with surprised tone set in my voice and I could hear the lie in it.

"We'll I thought he might have spoken to you, you know in the hospital or after the funeral," she shrugged. "He seemed like…like, I don't know, like he needed you there a little, you know, to help him through it."

We reached the end of the light isle and turned on to bedding and she continued talking. "That night in the hospital, you should have seen him Bella, he was so sorry, all he kept doing was blaming himself for it, you could literally see him tear himself apart inside at it."

She turned to look at me, "You know, he never left your side once, all he did was worry about you. Mum said he ordered her to stay with you until he could see you." her eyes fell back to the trolley in front of her. "Then the funeral, the way you helped him stand when he was weak." She shrugged again.

I was surprised that she hadn't spotted what was going on from our behaviour on these two occasions alone. It was a wake up call that we had let our judgement lapse on what the outside was noticing. I assumed that they would see us and think nothing else of it because of the extreme circumstances but it felt like we had been watched below a microscope. I didn't know if this was their reaction because of how Edward would normally act due to his illness.

Either way it scared the shit out of me. If Edward was ever going to talk to me again we needed to be more careful. Though I breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn't mentioned anything else such as the fact he had asked me to the ball.

I struggled with my next lie, unsure exactly what she knew, especially with Emmett walking in on us both but Edward was positive that he wouldn't say anything.

I felt like I was getting deeper in to the quicksand so I did all I could do. Lied. Again.

"Well I spoke to him after the funeral." I shrugged as if it was nothing and Alice perking up instantly needing to know more. "But that was it, he still holds up his walls around me too." I looked her in the eye and quickly looked away with my own guilt consuming me that I had actually managed it.

"Did he say anything to you?" she asked desperately.

"No. He just listened; well I think he just put up with me." I tried to lighten the tone and pretend to show her that he was still just as ignorant with me as he was with her.

I hated myself for it.

"Well I don't know what's going on in his head but I thought if he spent some time with us decorating it would help, it seems to have all started after the fire. I suppose it's to be expected though, right?"

I nodded to her know really sure of what I was agreeing to.

"Bella…" She stopped the gliding trolley and turned to face me. "You have been coping ok since the fire, haven't you?" She looked genuinely worried for me, it was the same look she held when I would see her looking at Edward when he was sullen and was oblivious to the rest of the world around him, though this seemed like the time he was more aware than anything else. To me at least.

"I'm fine," I lied, but really, I was. I had coped well after the fire, except the dreams but they were to be expected weren't they. My slight trauma I had felt after finding Edward was the same, I struggled with dreams of him and eventually they washed away. It would happen again, it was my minds way of sorting through the event. Just like Carlisle had said.

The dreams were fading; I had felt that after my last visit. When I had slept next to Edward after the funeral things had seemed to slow down and not be so frenzied, the dream didn't even haunt me that night as I curled into Edward, and have been rare since.

"I'm sure Edward will be too, he probably just needs a little more time to adjust after it with his illness."

I noticed the word I used,_ illness_, it was all I could use to make sure that they never knew I knew all about him but I worried at my last sentence, perhaps showing more knowledge in a few doubtful words than I should have.

I was beginning to feel this whole day was a lie. Everything I said was premeditated so not to rouse suspicion and I worried that it was killing my friendship with Alice even though it didn't show.

She had become my best friend so quickly but everything I said lately was usually a lie or some connection to another. I hated it and I hated the thought of not speaking to her like I did. I wanted to lean on her and for me to talk about the doubts I was feeling but they involved Edward so I couldn't. She couldn't know that the kindship existed.

I certainly couldn't tell her about last night.

Thinking about it I had no one to talk to about it with. It was me and Edward on our own with this on.

I couldn't even talk to Rosalie about it and somehow I felt like she would judge me less for it.

* * *

Luckily for me, being dragged through the store was pretty quick. Alice had a plan and I was part of it.

She wanted me to spend time alone with Edward, _if only she knew_, and try to talk to him. She thought I was the ideal candidate for the job and extracting any information from him as we had been on the same burning boat all of a few weeks ago and hoped that if the fire had been cause for the change that he would eventually speak.

"Listen guys I need to go to and check the delivery of the beds and furniture." Alice faked.

This was it. Her set up of Edward and I being alone together, though it just so happened it would also leave Edward and I to finish off the painting in our room.

"Jazz, you can come with, sweetie." She had jumped down from the ladder and practically into Jaspers arms. It made me jealous of what I did and didn't have.

Edward's back never turned from me, he just simply kept painting his wall that he had been given.

"We should be back in an hour or so two; I can just vision this being a total nightmare." Alice informed as she grabbed Jasper out the door with her, the two giving a quick goodbye as they left and only me responding to them.

I heard the front door slam closed behind them and knew we were safe to talk and be normal. I kept my eyes on Edward but he never turned or attempted to talk even though he had the chance too.

"Edward..?" I quietly enquired but he kept his back to me ignoring me. I knew he would have heard me.

I walked up to him resting my hand on his lower back and he pulled his roller off the wall and froze.

"Edward..?" I asked the same as last time but still he never spoke.

His head leaned back slightly in response but it was all I was getting.

I pulled in closer to him, trying to rest my forehead on his back but he swiftly moved from under me and faced me.

"Friends…" is all he gave me and he sounded tired as I felt.

I nodded agreeing to his word but I sill moved in closer to him again.

"We need to talk." I told him a little hesitantly.

"We do." he agreed.

"Alice-" I began.

"Alice, what does Alice have to do with any of this?" his look had changed. His face had been cold but now he looked angry.

"She wanted me to talk to you, she thinks your gone." I tried to tell him

"Gone?" he asked a little confused and he backed away from me and a little closer to the wet wall.

"She says that after the fire she hasn't seen anything from you that sometimes you are, well…" I struggled to find better choice of my words but it still comes out "..normal."

"I'm not normal enough because I almost died in a fire." His grip on the roller loosened and I heard it fall onto the dust sheets below us making a light thud.

"I didn't mean it like that, Edward." I tried to apologise for what I said. Perhaps it came out a little too harsh.

"No, Alice should be more fucking patient, what was she expecting from me. To high five her?" He was pissed but it wasn't at me.

"Wait, she is worried about you, she was worried about me too. She said that you were worried in the hospital and also mentioned us, how we were on the day of the funeral."

"Did she say about you being in my bed?" He quickly asked.

I shook my head answering no. "She doesn't know about that." he relaxed a little more at that information.

"She just seen that we had…leaned on one another and thought I might be best to try and speak to you about it." I shrugged looking at the paint on my socks.

"Did you tell her that my strange behaviour might have something to do with you, kissing me?" he was sarky and cold.

I bit my lip tryin to get the right words out this time. "I…You know I would never tell her anything that has went on with us." I struggled to get out. It was part fear for him deciding not to trust me and part fear that Alice would hate me for all I had kept from her.

Before I knew it he had pulled me into him and had his lips on mine. I struggled to fight him off, knowing this couldn't happen again. I had let ourselves get carried away too far last night.

He broke away with my fight but he still griped on tight to the top of my arms and looked down at me.

This was insane, all I wanted to do was to kiss him back again but the way he left and the tone last night had brought me back to reality. We couldn't have this.

"Will you stop." I snapped at him.

"You mean like you stopped." He eyed me knowingly. "Besides, you're not going to tell anyone…and neither am I."

He was challenging me here, he thought after last night he could call the shots but the truth was, it was him that could go to Alice and tell her all that had happened, it was him that could call Jake and tell him I had been kissing him and trying to take more.

I was trapped in a huge lie and he was the one that with a few simple words could bring it all out into the light and expose me.

"Edward we are friends." I tried to let him see. I hoped we were still friends and no matter what he could hold over me I still want to be near him.

"And you want more." He was sure of himself and almost cocky. I hated it but I couldn't deny anything after what had happened last night in my bed.

I had felt him, wanting, and it only caused me to want as well. If it hadn't been for Edwards reasoning at the right time god knows what would have happened.

All I knew was I wanted it.

"Come on, we have a couple of hours to roll around on the floor if you want." His grip tightening once again as he pulled me into him kissing me again. This wasn't Edward.

_This Wasn't Edward._

I hadn't seen it before now, but now it was clear as day. _This_ wasn't Edward.

I wriggled in his hands trying to free myself. I didn't want to be next to this stranger.

"Edward let go of me." I ordered him, shouting. "This isn't you." I barked.

Suddenly I felt myself fall to the floor, hitting it hard as I had pulled away from Edward.

He had let go of me and I had ended up on the floor smacking my back off it but when I looked up it was the expressionless face that worried me more than anything else.

He began pacing the floor his breath becoming irate. I sat in shock looking up at him and the change in him from a few seconds ago. He had been push and demanding. He had also been cool and collected but this was completely different from how I had argued with him.

He pulled at his hair harshly and rough and I stayed rooted to the floor in shock at his transformation.

"Edward?" I asked slowly. I was worried now.

"Why do you say that?" he mumbled so low I could hardly hear him.

"Say what?" I didn't know what he was talking about.

"Say that, that it isn't me. I thought you were the one that understood me." he sounded broken. I couldn't believe what I said would have such an effect.

I stood up jumping to my feet and grabbed hold of his arm.

I was about to speak before he jumped in. "This is me Bella, I'm still here." He didn't look at me but his shaky tone had caused a huge lump in my throat.

I pulled him around by the arm then gently reached for his cheek, pulling his face to mine. He looked devastated.

"I'm still here." He told me again in a whisper and I felt a wet tear slide down my cheek at his words.

I nodded. "I know Edward." Honestly though I didn't know what I was talking about.

"You don't though, I felt me challenge you and you thought it was someone else."

"Isn't it?" I asked gently because I didn't really know.

"No!" his voice pitched in a high note. "I was pushing you but it was something in me making it come out, but I wouldn't ever let it hurt you or make you do anything."

I looked in to his eyes that were cast away from me and he was a different person from who I had just argued with but he was telling me it was still the same person.

I reached for his hand and tugged on it gently. "Edward, tell me what you mean." I asked slowly as he automatically followed me to the floor to sit.

He sat down and his eyes were still kept cast away from mine. I wanted to snap his jaw up to mine and make him look into my eyes.

"Edward, tell me please…" I pled wit him.

He still remained unresponsive to me and I was beginning to worry. I pulled at his chin gently and his jade eyes finally reached mine. "You said you trusted me." I reminded him. It was a low move but I was desperate for him to tell me. I knew he needed to talk even if he didn't want to.

"You said it wasn't me," is voice was croaky and it made my heart tighten, hating myself.

I placed a hand on his cheek willing him to continue. "It's still me; you think I can't see what I'm doing? I'm trying to fight it. I know I'm horrible but it's still me." This time the lone tear came from Edward and it was the then my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I wiped it away before I reached around him, holding him tightly and closely to me. I was stupid to think my words never had effect on him. He fought so hard to hide everything that I never seen it but when his defences were down he was exposed like an open wound or like newborn. Susceptible and defenceless.

"I didn't mean it like that." I whispered into his ear because I never. I meant that I knew his words were his own but that he wasn't trying to hurt me on purpose. Though I had to admit, I never though once about him trying to stop his words and feeling useless to stopping them when he was like that, which he must have obviously felt like.

He sat there silent, his arms wrapped around me and it felt just exactly like it had done that day in the middle of his meadow.

He needed energy to give him life again.

I pulled at him as I lay on the floor and he rested his head against my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist. I cradled his shoulder with one arm and my other reached into the ends of his hair stroking through the bronze mess.

We lay like that in the empty room with the exception of a few paint pots and brushes. It was quiet and all I could hear was his breathing return to normal.

It was all I wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry." He whispered into my chest and I could feel his warm breath penetrate though the fabric of my top.

He moved his face so he was looking up at me and I met his eyes, seeing Edward.

It was Edward who looked back. He was calm but still resentful to himself. I could feel it. He resented the way his body would betray him, how his mind would react but all through it he was still him, this version, another version, even the shittiest version of him was still him.

My Edward.

All of him.

Every single edition.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I should have seen that you were still there, that it was still affecting you, how could I not?" I asked rhetorically.

"Because I never told you." he hugged at my waist tighter. "Besides, it wasn't that I was talking about. I'm sorry for talking to you the way I did. It is just too hard to fight some times. I didn't mean to kiss you either."

I paused for a moment wondering to hold my tongue, to keep quiet and let the situation die down but I needed to know.

"Edward, you said that it's still you, so why did you try to kiss me?"

A small sigh came from him before he spoke. "I said…I said that it's still me and well…I still wanted to kiss you." his face lowered down and further into my chest but I knew he was only trying to hide and was getting no gratification from it, he would be embarrassed when he realized.

I didn't know what to respond to that. He was being honest but I couldn't tell him that I wanted him to kiss me back either.

"I mean you did fight me off this time…" he thought I didn't want him.

Did I want him? I didn't know myself. It was like how he had said. It was a pull; there was a force in him that I just couldn't seem to fight even though I knew it was wrong.

I consumed my guilt a little too quickly and seemed to bask in the knowledge that he wanted me too.

"Only because of the way you were acting." I jumped in with my words and cursed myself at my stupidity. He believed that I didn't want him and here was me arguing that I only fought him off because of his attitude that worried me.

He sat up and placed a palm by the side of my head, leaning on it for support as he looked down at me.

"So you still want to kiss me?" He seemed nervous, obviously worried by rejection at his honesty.

So I was honest with him. "Yes…" I whispered out and full of shame and guilt. I looked away and he pulled my chin up with the index finger of his free hand and our eyes met again.

"Bella, your confusing the shit out of me?"

"I know." I agreed.

His hand brushed up against the side of my jaw before his long fingers slid down my neck and back up through my hair at the nape of my neck.

He looked hesitant but continued with his touch and I was helpless against him.

I wanted it, I wanted more and the thought scared the hell out of me.

I could feel my own breath deepen with anticipation of his hands in my hair and kept my eyes focused on his.

He moved so slowly and a fleet of butterflies came to life in my stomach. I don't think I had anticipated a touch so much in all my life.

His lips eventually met mine and his soft touch was sweet and innocent.

He still seemed unsure. Perhaps he was waiting for me to fight him off again.

But I couldn't. I couldn't – even if I tried.

The butterflies increased more as I felt his braced arm move down with his body as if he was getting comfortable, to keep kissing me.

His tongue slowly came out only to be met with my impatient tongue.

I let out a small groan as he retracted his before he came back with more determination.

I could feel myself come undone at his kiss alone and griped at his shirt, pulling him into me wanting him closer.

At his angular position I took advantage and slid one of my legs below him letting him slide in between my legs unashamedly. I had to have him closer.

I could feel myself body getting ready for him but knew it would go no further than what we had just now.

It was a kiss.

It's all it was.

I kept telling myself that.

And I believed it.

I felt his hand that was in my hair slide down my side gently; he didn't grab hold of me, but let his fingers trail down my side. He was trembling. Was he scared of what he was getting into?

I pulled always from him, assessing his eyes to see if they matched his fingers.

He looked back and was silent for a moment as I looked at him. "Did…did I do something wrong?" he sounded child like and insecure.

"Are you ok?" I was worried. I didn't want this to have any adverse affects on him and his condition. As selfish as I was being right now I wouldn't have him suffer because of me.

He nodded silently and I took hold of his trembling hand and kissed his palm.

"I'm sorry…I shouldn't have ever put you into this position." I apologised and sat up on my elbows below him.

"Bella, I put myself into this position, today and at the very beginning." His words were soft but firm. "I'm, I'm just a little worried." His head dropped and rested on my shoulder, hiding himself from me.

"What are you worried about?" Of course he was worried. We both seemed hell bent on dragging one another into this.

He lifted his head back up but looked off to the side, where his head had only just rested.

I touched his cheek and he automatically turned to face me, knowing what I wanted.

"What will happen…between us." He closed his eyes and let out a groan as he bowed his head back down. "I've never been in this position before."

"And you think I have?" I asked a little too loudly but I was shocked at his words.

He flinched slightly at my tone and he eventually looked back up at me. "No, not that position." He looked sighed again "This position." He glanced down between us.

Oh.

I hadn't thought about it but now it had been said, I couldn't say I was too surprised. He tried to purposely scare everyone away.

"Edward…were…It's…Were not having sex." I told him with a sharp tongue.

I was not going to be sleeping with him. This was a kiss. A very, very wrong kiss but…God I didn't even know what we were doing, never mind thinking.

All I knew was that I was not sleeping with him.

"I never said we were." He snapped back at me in the same tone I had given him. "I was just…" he sat back on his heels between my legs and looked down at his lap. "I was just trying to say that I hadn't been in this position before, not this position." He eyed my slightly bent and parted legs.

I felt self-conscious at how I was laying. Out in front of him, waiting. It was so wrong my mind couldn't even contemplate it.

I sat up facing him but he was still sitting between my legs.

I reached out and touched him. "How far have you went with a girl?" It wasn't what was needing to be addressed here but somehow I needed to know. I wanted to know who else he had touched, who else had he put his hand on. It made me jealous thinking about it and I didn't know why. These girls weren't in the picture or I would surely have seen them already.

"This is as far I have been with a girl." He told me, not looking at me.

"Edward, its nothing to be ashamed of." I placed my hand on his jaw and his sad eyes met mine. I hated that look in his eyes.

"When was the first time you kissed a girl?" I asked. Knowing that the cocky side in him had managed to push for a kiss at some point.

His eyes looked back down again as he spoke. "The first girl that kissed me was," he paused for a nervous moment "it was when I was in hospital last, she kissed me on the lips and that was it." He let out a painful sigh and his body seemed to collapse into its self. I held on to him letting his head rest against my stomach.

Who had kissed him when he was in hospital?

The penny dropped. It was me. I had kissed him on the lips trying to calm him down.

I combed my fingers through his hair. "Edward, was it me that kissed you?" I had to double check.

He nodded yes into my stomach and I tried to pull him up, to see his face.

He sat back up but still didn't meet my eyes.

"Edward." I fought with him to meet my eyes. I needed to see them to talk to him. "It doesn't matter when you do it ok, any of it. You do it when you feel comfortable, when you want to and not when you're pushed. Don't be ashamed of it, ok?" I was firm on my last sentence.

I let my fingers comb through his hair again and brushed my thumb across his cheek.

His head cocked to the side embracing the touch my fingers gave and he slowly looked back up at me.

His growing smile was small and crooked and shy but it was honest.

He reached forward for my lips once again and I felt his arms wrap around my waist grip at me tightly as he slid me up on to his knees and I could feel the small growing smile on my lips grow under his kiss.

Our kissed deepened and our tongues battled it out between one another's mouths as my fingers grew more needing and raked through his hair harder and harder.

I wanted him; I needed him, all of him, every single part of him.

He was who he was.

And I couldn't let go.

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_**a/n: Is Bella still in deep denial or is she starting to resurface do you think? How far will she go with Edward before things get even messier?**_

_**As always thanks so much for all the adds and reviews but please – keep them up! I need them. If you're new to the story please let me know you're enjoying it. xx**_


	25. Chapter 24

_**a/n: Ok people I screwed up major in my own love life so to make me feel better I typed this out in one go! Impress? I bloody am. But now I have no date! **_

* * *

**Chapter 24**

**BPOV**

Honestly..? I didn't know what I was doing.

Lying in my bed I cried for the boy I loved and the boy.., the boy I cared about? Why was I risking my future for a few moment of fun? Did my mind need the adrenalin to run through it, course through my veins and act against every moral that I stood for.

I still couldn't understand it.

I loved Jake.

I did. I knew I did.

He was, is, my future.

He is everything I have known for the past two years and made my life liveable when I moved back to Forks. Without him I don't know where I would be, where I would stand in this world. But it would most likely be alone.

I could feel the tears heat my cheeks in the dark and thought about the boy in the room next to me. _Edward_. I didn't know what I was doing to him and I knew it wasn't fair but my body and mind constantly betrayed me and I give in, gave myself up to him wanting more and more.

The night was late again and still I wasn't sleeping. I wanted to lie along side Edward; it always felt safe next to him in this house and well really at the dorms too. I liked his warmth, his touch and the way he held me in his sleep. It seemed as if he was keeping me safe, his arms always around my waist. If I wasn't lying flush against him he curved around my body tangling us both into a tight ball of wool.

I wanted that just now. I needed it.

Jake's face fluttered through my mind and I thought about everything I was doing and everything I forgot about when I was with Edward. I was forgetting about Jake. How could I let that happen? How could I go back and face him after what I had done.

_Lie?_

It seemed and felt like the norm for me these days. Everything was a lie.

I lied to Alice. _No Alice, he just wouldn't open up, I tried to get him to talk, I did._

I lied to Jake. _I can't make it home for New Year; you know how Alice is…_

Well that one wasn't as much of a lie as it was shifting the blame. Alice did want me here for New Year, but she was a little more understanding than I would have Jake believe.

But the truth was I wanted to be with Jake too, for us both to bring in the New Year together. It was going to be a big year for us with moving in together and all that. I wanted it to start with him and continue with him.

I felt another wave of tears threatening and I hid my face into my pillow, muffling the sob that echoed from my hollow heart.

This was bad. But all I still wanted was to go to him. To go to Edward.

I had sat on his knee this after noon for around an hour kissing him, our lips in perfect synch and our hand in unison, both combing through the others hair.

It made me feel something, something I hadn't felt before. And I still didn't know what it was.

His admission at his innocence was eye opening. I suppose when he had told me he hadn't been with anyone before, that he was still a virgin, I wasn't too surprised. I would have been too no doubt if it wasn't for Jake coming into my life, the two of us giving our selves to one another.

But Edward never being kissed, that was…not, strange, that would imply it was bad. It was different. I would have least expected one of the girls at his school to try and have kissed him, he was perfection, his strong cheek bones, angular nose and masculine chin, he _is _perfection. It was as if the gods themselves had carved him from stone.

I had seen other girls look at him in the past but they must have sensed his attitude and stayed away. He was closed off and arrogant in general, never mind if you attempted eye contact or speaking. And that was a good day. It was as if they feared him, that they knew better than to get too close.

But I was the first girl to kiss him.

He had been the first to kiss me, in our way, in the way we did…like it was needed.

The time I had kissed him he was frightened, scared and I was trying to pacify him, ease him from worry but I took his choice away in the process. Would he have ever have tried to kiss me if it wasn't for me kissing him in the hospital?

Would he have ever of wanted me?

Before I knew what I was doing I was outside Edwards's door and gently easing it open hoping not to disturb him if he was sleeping.

"Bella?" I heard his low smooth voice carry over to me and as quick as the sound had travelled to me, I travelled to him.

**EPOV**

I couldn't sleep without her here. I wanted her here, beside me. I felt normal with her, aside our conversation this afternoon, she did actually get me. Better than anyone I had known and when she was with me it made all the rest of people's misunderstandings and misguided thoughts disappear.

It was almost three in the morning when I looked over at the clock. She obviously wasn't coming through tonight and I fought the urge to go and see her. I figured she had enough to think about without me intruding. She needed space and she needed time and I would have given her an oceans parting between us and the rest of forever if she asked me too.

I felt ashamed this afternoon, that I wasn't enough for her. I knew I wasn't enough for her but having to explain she was the first girl I had kissed was embarrassing beyond belief.

I wanted the world to open up and swallow me whole and she took it in her stride, as if it was normal. She told me to hold no shame for it and pressed that only when comfortable should I do it. Kissing, holding, sex. She was meaning it all.

So I reached out for her, held on to her waist and brought her to me and kissed her and my body craved for more.

My body was still craving more. She said that we wouldn't have sex and I thought about this. Was that until Jake was gone and out of the picture, our cosy threesome would never sit right in the frame on top of the mantel piece. He would be gone soon enough. Bella couldn't lie to herself anymore. Not after today.

I heard the low long swoosh of the door moving above the thick carpet and straight away knew it was Bella but I still called for her.

I needed to call her name, for her to come to me. She was standing at the side of my bed and reached for her hand pulling her below the covers with me.

I felt a smile on my face as I pulled her on top of me before I rolled her over onto her back, our feet, body and head's completely covered by the covers.

My lips reached for hers and I found them quickly in the dark as I so desperately clung to her sides.

I rested my knees at either side of her and leaned down to her as she arched her back in response.

My promise to my self not to touch her below her clothes was gone. It washed away with all the sand my wall had turned in to at the mercy of this girl below me. I didn't want it anyway. Not if this is what I was missing.

I slid my fingers below the surface of her pyjama vest top and felt the warmer skin. I let my four fingers run along to the edge of her side before I stopped and grasped hold of her bare hip that was partly covered with her bottoms.

Her hand reached for my hair and ran her fingers through it. I let go of the thought and the laugh at the irony that she hated to see me do it to myself, but for her to do it, it was fine.

"I didn't think you were coming through." I groaned out onto her slightly parted lips as she caught her breath.

"I didn't know if I should?" Her voice was low but not just because of trying to keep quiet. There was something else there.

I reached for the lamp next to my bed and the room lit up along with Bella's face. It was sad though, she had been crying, her eyes were red and her cheeks were still flushed and slightly damp. I brushed a thumb across her cheek and her eyes closed as she still lay below me.

"Have you been crying?" I knew she had, and I could already guess the reason she had been crying too. She was feeling guilty.

I slid my arm below her neck and pulled her up into me and rolled her back over so she was now resting her head on my chest.

She looked up, sad and lost and I hated to be part of the reason that look was on her face.

She nodded as another tear came out from the corner of her eye and she battled it away.

"You know, it will get better." I told her; sure of my words that when things settle she would feel differently, when there was no guilt to feel.

"When will it get better, when will it ever get better?" she asked as she griped onto me tighter.

I didn't have the answer to this. I knew it would be hard on her, moving on and changing. "When you tell him." I whispered my words.

"Tell him!" she jumped up onto her knees shouting the words out. I jumped up and cupped her mouth with my hand and her awareness of the situation came back as I removed it. "Tell him?" she asked. "I can't tell him, this, this would kill him. I can tell him."

"You're not going to tell him, tell him that you have moved on or…something?" I asked surprised.

"No! Why would I do that?" she whisper shrieked.

"So…For us to be..." the words just would leave me. "You don't want me." I asked and I could feel my heart break from the realization.

"Edward…" she sounded like she was pleading. "We're just not meant to be like that. I'm with Jake. That's how it is. How the plan is."

"The plan?"

"Jake and I.., we have it planned out. Our life."

I shifted further back into my pillows. "So…what am I?" I knew I didn't want to hear that fucking answer.

She looked down at her hands thinking. "I don't know what this is. It's a mess." Her last sentence was firm and we both knew it was. This was a gigantic fuck off mess and she had every intention of leaving me to drown in it.

"Bella." I reached for her hand. "I asked what am I. What am I to you?"

She cringed at the thought, I didn't know if it was guilt for me or guilt for Jake. "You're special." She told me.

My mood darkened there and then, I could feel the dark could escalate towards me and there was noting I could do to stop it. "Special?" I spat. Was she taking the fucking piss?

"No, wait Edward, not like that." I pushed forward and on to my knees grabbing her with both hands at the top of her arms.

"Special." I could fell the cartoon steam rolling off of me but I had no way of stopping it. She wriggled in my hands but she wasn't strong enough against me. She never would be.

"Edward, let me explain." She was begging but I didn't care.

I could only think about the thought that it wasn't me, after everything it still wasn't me. I wasn't good enough for her, even when I knew that already, even when I told my self that. I had still seen something, some kind of hope but she had just pulled it out from under me in one swoop.

Before I knew it I had lifted her off the bed and cast her weaker body to the flood in a heap where the tears poured for me to see. I looked down at her and nothing she could say in this moment would change what had happened.

She couldn't take this back and she couldn't climb onto my knee and expect it to magically disappear. None of her words I wanted to hear. I wanted nothing from her in this moment.

My breath panted out of control and the anger was soon to follow. I needed her gone. Not just for my own sake but for hers also. I gave her one final warning.

"Get. Out. Now."

**BPOV**

As I ran below the safety of my own covers I heard it. It was loud and it was frightening.

The sound was coming from Edwards's room but I couldn't be sure what he was doing. All I could hear was banging.

It was furniture, it was all of his possessions, it was him losing control. Because of me.

I heard the others run upstairs and into Edwards's room then Carlisle's voice.

He was…calm. It was eerie, as if he had been here before. I wouldn't be surprised if he had been. Just not with me being the cause.

Climbing from my safety I needed to hear what was being said. I moved towards the door and opened it a crack so I could hear.

It was still useless mumbles. I could hear the others shifting the furniture back around. I was sure.

There was a faint mumble from Edward; he said it was a nightmare. That he freaked out.

I didn't know if it was a plausible cover story but going by Edward anything was possible and plausible.

I swallowed hard at the pain I had caused him and the worry I would be putting on to his family.

The next thing I seen was Alice peeking back at me through the crack in the door. I stood back knowing I had been caught trying to hear what was being said.

She came in and wrapped her arms around me tight, hugging me letting me know I was safe.

"It's ok. Edward just freaked out a little from a nightmare he had. He won't hurt anyone."

I nodded into her neck knowing he must have wanted to hurt me.

She pulled away and looked me in the eye. "Hey, don't look so worried. You have shared a room with him before, you know this isn't normal."

I knew this wasn't normal because I was sure no one had pushed him to the edge like I had done.

"You can sleep in my bed with me, ok?" She took my hand and pulled me through the door into the small lounge and stopped outside Edwards's door.

I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see the room and I didn't want to see Edward. I wasn't scared of him; I was worried that I would see beyond what they could.

I could see what they didn't and this time I didn't want look at it. I had broken him.

"See, he's fine." Alice chirped as she brought me to the door frame.

"Sorry to waken you Bella, Edward had a bit of a bad dream." Esme Added as she picked up a few CD cases.

I heard Edward mutter something about a fucking nightmare but no one asked him to repeat it.

I looked around the room. There wasn't much damage; most had been fixed by Esme Carlisle and Jasper.

I looked at Edward and he was a heap on the floor with is back against the side of the bed. He didn't look at me. I wanted him to; I needed to see how he was. I knew not well but I needed to see into his eyes.

He could never forgive me. And I would never forgive myself.

I wanted to go to the broken boy and wrap my arms around him but his family was here and most importantly, I had just taken that right away.

"Bella don't worry so much, look at him, he will be fine." Looking at him he didn't look fine. Was Alice just trying to relax me or was she blind to the vision in front of her.

She pulled on my arm "Come on, let's get some ice cream and leave them to it."

She pulled me away from the only place I wanted to be and all my fight had left me and so I followed. It didn't matter anyway. Even if I could have fought to stay here there would be questions asked and Edward to face. I was better off going with her before I caused anymore damage.

* * *

Two hours had passed and Alice had tried her best to break my mind form the sight I had seen from Edwards's room.

I let her pretend I was fine with it as we got below the bed covers in her room and talked.

There was an itch in me to see Edward. I needed to see that he was ok but I knew it was safer to keep away. I wouldn't approach him at all. The ball was in his court now.

"Alice, you know what I don't mind about Edward." I told her with honesty. It was my fault and I trusted Edward completely. Despite what he had done to his room I knew he would never hurt me. I knew it. I felt the way he touched me softly and even when he was in a mood or depression there was no malice in threatening tones in both his words and touch.

Tonight when he told me to get out was the most threatened I had felt from him and the shock of him putting me on the floor in the manor he did was a surprise but it wasn't violent, it wasn't sore, he just simply moved me from his bed, from being near him.

He was sending me packing.

"I think I'll just go back up to my own bed." I shrugged. "It feels more like mine." I pretended for the bed I didn't actually like too much but it was closer to Edward.

I could see the pain I could be putting him in but I promised myself I would leave him to be. He would come to me if he wanted to.

She agreed with hesitation and was back on my way climbing the second flight of stairs shortly after.

Reaching the lounge I looked between the two doors. Mine and his. I didn't want to be alone in there, not after everything that happened but I knew I couldn't go to Edward either.

Looking at the small two seat couch I walked over to it and balled myself into one of the ends as I placed the small fleece blanket over me to keep me warm.

It wasn't as comfortable as the time I had slept with Edward on it but nothing seemed to be as comfortable without Edward.

Lying like that I felt the long night take its toll and eventually I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up a while later as I felt the familiar arms below me. Looking up it was Edward.

I piece of me died with happiness at the sight of him willing to hold me.

I feigned sleep until I could understand where he was taking me and inhaled his smell and buried my head into his chest further.

We walked thought my room door and he headed in the direction of my bed. I didn't want to be in there, not without him. Could he not see why I was sleeping in the couch?

I stirred in his arms as he place me into my covers and placed them up to my chin.

"Edward?" I could hear my voice. It was unsure.

"Bella, go back to sleep. It's early. Have a lie in." he ordered.

I sat back up reaching for his hand but he snapped it back before I had a chance to get a hold of it.

"I want to explain, about what I said earlier." He ignored me as he walked towards the door.

"Please." I called in vein, begging him to listen to me.

"Bella, whatever this was, it's over. It's a fucking nasty cycle and I'm done. I don't want part of whatever mess is going on in your head."

It was a verbal punch in the gut but I took it, I deserved it. Besides I wasn't finished with him yet.

He sloped out the room in silence and left me to sleep, if it would ever come.

* * *

The last day of the year felt like the worse. Edward was black and his mood was seeping through onto all of us.

Last nights incident had clearly been a bigger struggle for his family in the cold light of day than the dark of night.

The four or us had all started late and worked in silence as we painted the apartment working on the boy's room then moving on to the living room.

Once we had spent several pain staking hours we retreated back to the Cullen's house and began to get ready to bring in the New Year.

Alice had loaned me a dress. It was a simple black shift dress that she dressed with accessories. I wasn't keen on the bangles but apparently they were "needed" to make the out fit. She had then forced a pair of black high heels on to me and finally she was happy.

I took it, all of it and I let her cover me in all the make up and hair spray she wanted because she needed an escape from last night and I needed a way to help release some of the guilt I carried keeping all of this a secret from her.

The Cullen's were having a lavish party with a load of hospital staff and other people of high ranking careers. It was a world away from Forks and the job I had of working at the local out door shop.

Some how I didn't think any of these people had to worry about money for college. It made me slightly anxious around them.

Emmett and Rose were there too. They had been away to stay with Rosalie's family for a few days and had gotten back this afternoon to help with the party and had been informed of Edward out burst in the middle of the night.

I felt so ashamed that he was blaming it on himself to cover up for me.

The party sailed along nicely and the rest of them mingled in along with the professionals. I had made several attempts to make conversation but I felt a flush of shyness dowse me and began to glow like a beacon as I tried.

I hated parties like this. Making my way I headed for the garage in the attempt of some quiet and to help cool down. The house was to warm for my liking with all these people around. My friends were here but I missed it when it was only us.

Slipping out the back door in the kitchen into the garage I was startled by the voice that came from some corner.

"Looking for me?" the honey voice was low and I yarned to see its owner.

"No, I…I came for air. Honestly. I didn't mean to disturb you." I apologised profusely and reached back for the door handle intent on leaving him in peace.

"Wait." He called and I froze.

I turned and he stood up highlighting himself in the dim light. He walked forward with his shirt opened at the top and his jacket wide open too. He looked beautiful. He looked like he belonged in an Armani ad or something.

Walking towards me he held an open beer bottle in his hand and he took a drink.

My stomach knotted instantly.

"Edward what are you doing." I tried to reach for the bottle but he held his hand high and out of my reach. "Please, just give it to me." I pleaded as grabbed hold of him trying to pull him down so I could reach it.

He gently shook me off and lowered his hand and went to take another drink. I reached for it instantly but he was quicker and it was back up in the air and out of my reach once again.

"Don't do this to them, not again. Remember what happened last time."

He nodded as he looked off to the said then turned back to look at me.

"You kissed me." he was talking about in the hospital.

"Is that what you think will happen again Edward. Drink yourself unconscious and I'll kiss you. Is that what you want?"

"I want you to kiss me; I want you to want me."

"Edward you know I want you." I tried to reach for the bottle that had lowered as we spoke but it was again, up in the air. "Stop it, stop this now." I ordered him and his response was to take another deep gulp from the bottle.

"How much have you had?" I asked him

He held the bottle up into the light. And shrugged. "About half a bottle." He took another drink. "Don't worry, I'm not drunk."

He wasn't but I didn't know how long it was going to last.

"Edward you need to stop. Don't do this to your sister or the rest of your family and friends that love you so much."

"I'm just having a drink." He was smug and I hated it. He was still in perfect control right now but I didn't know what to do for the best.

"Because that worked out so well for you last time didn't it?" I shouted.

"You want me but I'm not good enough so why should it matter to you."

"You are good enough but I have already planed out a life with someone else."

"Screw the fucking plan, Bella. Admit it, I give you something he can't. And fuck knows what that is if I haven't even gotten into you underwear."

"Is that what you want? To get into my underwear?" I couldn't believe he would go there.

"No! I was…I was just saying."

"Give me the beer Edward."

"No." he was firm.

"Give it to me." He held it in his hand right in front of his chest willing me to get it from him. I knew it was his game but if it stopped him from drinking it I would play along.

Walking up to him I grabbed hold of the bottle and he grabbed hold of me. He held me around the waist as soon as my hands held his bottle secure.

His right hand slid up my back and held my neck as he held me close to him; I could feel his nose press into my hair.

"I'm sorry for last night." My voice was shaky and my grip tightened on the bottle.

"I wanted to explain better, I didn't mean it the way it came out. You're something I have never had in my life before and I don't know what that is. I just don't want you not in my life."

He nodded in my hair as he kissed the top of my head.

"Are you ok, you know after what happened?" I asked nervously.

"I shouldn't have let my self get so angry but I…I just don't want to stop this. I don't want to stop ever kissing you."

He reached for the bottle in my hand and my grip grew tighter. "I'm not going to drink it. I promise."

I took his word and handed him the bottle and he placed it down on to the floor.

Standing back up he held me close again. "Can I kiss you?"

My response was to kiss him. Our lips meeting and parting taking in one another.

His air, his taste, his need were all embedded in me in this moment. But still I wanted more. I wanted every cell in his body to know it was me that was touching him because every cell in me knew it was him.

His hand slid slowly down over my backside and I felt his fingers at the hem of my skirt and my knees actually weakened. They buckled at his touch and yearning for him flooded me.

His tongue glided in and out of my mouth and his kisses turned chase as he worked his way to my jaw line.

He turned us around and laid me against the hood of the back car that was next to me, resting me against the cold metal of the front of the car.

I gasped but it didn't deter him and I was thankful. A second of normalcy and my idiotic euphoria would leave me in this stark reality.

His hands slid down my thighs as I felt his kisses on my neck and I stretched my head back lapping them up.

I didn't want him to ever stop.

I grabbed him by the collar pulling him up to me and I wriggled below him wanting him closer to me.

Painfully slow his hands slid up the hem of my skirt revealing more and more of my bare pale legs and he prized them gently apart resting himself in between me.

The material of my underwear brushed up against me as he did and it took everything in me not to climax there on top of the car.

He slid me down into him again and I gripped his arms letting out a groan.

I wanted him right there and then. The party was forgotten in my head and it was only filled with Edward.

_Nothing else mattered_.

His hands grabbed mine and held me them above my head, the cold car touching more of my skin.

For him being a virgin there was nothing innocent about his movements. He seemed like he knew what he was doing.

His hand let go of mine and he once again gripped onto my waist, purposely rubbing me against him. He knew what he was doing and he only continued with more vigour when I let the moan I had tried to keep in, out.

It was undeniable. Whatever was going on between us mentally it passed on through physically.

His hands slid up my dress and he boldly reached the sides of my underwear and began to pull them away from me.

His rule of no touching was well and truly smashed as I felt the lacy material that Alice had made me buy, pass down over my knees and to god knows where. And I didn't care.

I felt the cold from the car against my back, arms and legs and the heat from Edward on my front and centre with his furious lips back on mine.

His hands cruised along the tops of my legs and my centre, he seemed a little lost so I took them and brought them back over my head as I sank a heel into one of the firm tyres and continued the touch I needed to take me over the edge.

He brought one of his hands into the low of my arch and brought us closer together and the firm brush against my clit brought me over the end as I came right on top of the car, below Edward with a moan that I tried to silence.

Edward was keen on lavishing attention on me there but I couldn't take it anymore. I wriggled away from him slightly as I looked up into his green eyes.

It had to be the best sexual experience of my life. The orgasm had ripped through me as if I had been on edge with him all day.

His lips lingered gently on the tip of my nose as I caught my breath back.

He continued to look into my eyes with us still bent over the car. His smile was devilish and I couldn't help but kiss his lips with a crooked grin like that.

He stood up and helped me up to my feet and I adjusted my dress.

He reached for my underwear and bottle of beer as I checked my self over and he took a step back.

The door swung open an Edward took another step back and placed my underwear in his pocket.

"What are you doing in here?" Alice asked as Rosalie looked on.

"I came out to cool down and found him out here." I shrugged trying to act as normal as possible.

"Edward, are you drinking?" Alice asked with a frown.

"A…I…We'll it's just a beer. It can't be that bad." Shit this was bad.

"We were sharing it. I said he could have it if we split it and see," I pointed to the bottle. "Not even half empty." I hoped to god that he would be ok.

She looked sceptical so I took the bottle from him and took a drink though I still didn't think she believed me.

"Take some of your tablet before bed, ok." She ordered her brother with a deathly glare.

He nodded and she smiled. "Come, on were going to miss all the fun if we stay here. It's almost time."

Hot on her heels we headed and met with the rest of the party and brought in the New Year, me, without underwear and Edward wearing a smile that I vowed wouldn't leave him.

* * *

_**a/n: ok the lemons are getting a little bit warmer. I know I kind of skipped over time here but I needed these events to happen now.**_

_**Everything has a purpose on when it happens.**_

_**Please let me know what you think. Do you hate it?**_

_**Oh and also there will be no violence directed towards Bella in this story from Edward I don't condone that but Edwards breaking point was needed for further along the story!**_

_**Peace xx**_


	26. Chapter 25

_**a/n: hehehehehehehehe- Enjoy!! *giggles and skips off like a school girl***_

* * *

**Chapter 25**

**EPOV**

Lying back on the cold tiles of the bathroom I could feel the tense muscle of my stomach relax once again.

I had thrown up three times in the last ten minutes, but I guess that's what happened when I attempt to drink alcohol. It was my own fault for being so stupid and selfish.

I had told Bella I had just opened it but she couldn't see the other already empty bottle along with another three full ones in the corner of the garage where I had been sitting. I had every suspicion if she had known I had more than I had said she would have dragged my arse to my dad and I didn't really need any sort of look from him, especially after he looked worried at me in the middle of the night in the middle of my messed up room.

I shouldn't have let that happen either but I felt like the hulk and I had to just throw something around, destroy anything, anything just to let the anger out. Bella must have shit herself hearing the noise but when she stood at my door I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look at her because she wasn't leaving him and I couldn't look at her because I knew she deserved to stay with someone that wasn't me.

But she was back, not on purpose though. She had been purposely avoiding me since we woke up and being forced to paint the apartment together there was a silent awkwardness in the room. Alice and Jasper would no doubt see it as the result of last night and nothing else. They were blind to anything going on between us, luckily.

I heard the bathroom door open behind me and looking up from the tiles I seen Bella come in. I wasn't too surprised with the look of worry she wore. She seemed to wear it a lot of the time we were together alone. Especially since the fire.

"Bella, I'll be fine." I knew she was only checking up on me, settling her own mind but I hated her to see me like this, like an invalid. I was tall and strong but in my bouts I felt weak and frail and I didn't want her to ever think of me like that, an angry bollchy bastard, fine, but not weak and frail.

"Don't tell me to go away." She reached for a face cloth and soaked it in cold water before wringing it out. "I was the one that found you after you drank last time remember." She came down to the floor and picked up my head and rested it on her knees.

Closing my eyes at her worrying unnecessarily about me, again. I was fine. Felt like crap, but I would be fine. I was still sober. I felt the cool wet cloth against my face and relaxed further into her support. She was still wearing her dress and I still had her underwear. I tried to fight the smirk surfacing on my face. It was a good distraction from how I was feeling.

"What's that look on your face for?" she asked curiously.

I shrugged. "Just thinking... You know."

"No, I don't. Tell me." she opened up my shirt a little further and swept the cloth across the top of my chest and it was all that I needed right now.

I placed my hand on top of hers stilling her movements. "That feels better." My voice was croaky and my throat was sore but looking up to her eyes I felt like I was floating.

"Good." Is all she whispered out as we stayed like that for a few more moments.

Helping me to my feet I wobbled but her grip around my waist helped as I brushed my teeth. Standing in front of the mirror I would think I was dreaming of her touch if it wasn't for her arms wrapped around me, apart from them I couldn't see anymore of her, she could hide behind me perfectly.

Her head rested against my back and for a moment I wondered who was really using who for support here.

Rinsing my mouth and wiping my face I placed my hand on hers and she moved her hands back to my sides as she walked behind me. No doubt with a worried crease marking her forehead again.

The party was over and the guests were gone along with the high heels Bella had worn. I kind of missed them. She looked beautiful tonight, classy and elegant, even as I pulled up her dress on top of my dads BMW.

She helped me into my room and I threw myself back against the headboard easing the rest of me up on top of my bed.

I patted the bed at both sides of me and at my invitation Bella began to climb over my legs. I stopped her half way so she was straddling my legs as my hands rested on her bare legs.

The smirk began to play on my lips again and her head leaned to her left looking at me, trying to figure out why it was on my face again.

"Ok, come on what's with the smirk." She asked a little impatient.

I could only smile more and leaned forward into her ear. "I still have your underwear." I whispered.

Her hands instantly snapped to her face, hiding her embarrassment. I pulled her hands back away desperate to see the red glow I had given her.

Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were closed with her head trying to shy away down into her chest.

I laughed at her pose and that I managed to get this reaction from her after she had been so open to me earlier.

"Come on you can't be embarrassed. I think it's pretty hot."

"Well I don't." she said with a little bit of a serious tone to her voice. "I feel so ashamed."

I reached around her neck, lacing my fingers through her hair. "You looked so free, how can you be ashamed of that."

She pulled her self off of the top of me and lay down at my side with her arms guarding her, crossed over her chest. "That isn't me; I don't normally act like that."

I reached to her cheek and rested the same palm onto it. "You looked beautiful. Maybe it is you." I kissed her nose and her rigid frame seemed to relax a little.

I looked her in the eyes. "Is it because it was with me that you're ashamed?" I felt hurt but I could blame her if it was.

"No! Well…yes a little, just I have never felt like that and did that before, not before you." she shrugged.

Was this the reason she was becoming drawn to me, was she never really satisfied with anyone else?

"What do you mean?" I had to ask.

She shuffled on my bed and looked up at the ceiling, obviously embarrassed with what ever was going to come from her mouth. "I.." She bit deep on her lip and a released it with my fingers before she tried again. "I haven't done that before, it feels wrong-"

I snorted at her words. "No, wait Edward. It feels wrong because I haven't done it before, I haven't been able to loose control like that but it felt so right at the same time." I nodded understanding.

"You liked it?" I asked still slightly worried.

"Even with everything in my head telling me I shouldn't have, I did. But it just isn't me." she looked away looking defeated.

"Who says it isn't, who said it's wrong for you. Maybe you just never knew. I never knew it could feel so good seeing you like that." I reached and kissed her lips because it was true.

She sighed into my mouth and the sound made me pull her into me closer, deepening our kiss.

I pulled away and taunted in her ear. "I still have your underwear." This time, although she still seemed embarrassed, it was just so typical Bella, she did laugh and hide her face into my chest. The sound was music to my ears as I ran my fingers through her thick chestnut hair and kissed the top of her head.

She pulled away looking up at me. "Can I get them back?" She asked with almost a straight face - almost. The corner of her lip that she was fighting to stay down didn't go unnoticed by me. I knew she was playing about too.

"Nope." I told her, popping my p. "There mine now."

She laughed again and burred her face into my chest and wrapped her arms around my neck before she reached up and kissed me again on the lips.

I couldn't hide the smile she had given me if my life depended on it.

I rolled her onto her back, placing my hand on her stomach; she seemed tiny below my big hands. I rand my hand slowly down and I could feel there was no replacement underwear below the dress. The thought made me hard.

Breaking away from the kiss I placed small pecks on the tip and bridge of her nose seeing the small almost invisible freckles that lay there. I looked into her eyes and I knew whatever had happened earlier, however physical and unusual for Bella and myself, it wasn't the only link that connected us. There was a tie of emotion that had been there from the very start, no matter how many times I tired to ignore it.

Looking at her lips they were full and so kissable. The bottom lip slightly fuller than the top but all the more inviting. I trailed my index finger across it, from one corner of her mouth to the other. "You really are perfect, you know that." I heard my voice come out low and husky and flinched with embarrassment that I wasn't able to cover up just how much I desired her.

She shifted further up my bed, resting her head against the board, covering her face with hands and hair. She really couldn't take a compliment. She shushed me and shook her head.

I rolled myself onto her, now me looking up at her. I smiled at her before I reached up and kissed her again. Slipping my hand below her back I pulled her closer and rested on my elbow. With my free hand I slid it down her side, stopping only when I got to the bottom of her dress.

"I love this dress on you." I told her honestly. "You look so beautiful tonight."

She squirmed again. "Stop it'" she blushed again pushing at my shoulder gently.

I gripped on to her thigh where the dress ended. "And I know you don't have any underwear on." I wound her up. And she shuffled below me again.

She was doing things to me. Fucking great things but I didn't want to push her when she already felt bad of herself.

Imaging being embarrassed at enjoying her pleasure. It was like telling a kid he couldn't smile on Christmas day.

She shouldn't feel ashamed of what she did, not if she enjoyed it.

The reasoning behind her feelings wasn't completely lost on me but right now this was about the two of us and even despite _him,_ she was ashamed to have enjoyed it because of how it was, not because of anyone else.

She placed a hand on top of mine and we both looked down at her touch. I was happy for it to stay there forever if she would allow it.

I let my thumb rub the inside of her thigh below the dress feeling her warm skin, the warm skin that not to long ago was rubbing against my sides.

The thought made my dick harden and it wasn't lost on Bella either.

He eyes glazed over with something I couldn't recognize but it wasn't sorrow. It was something good.

Holding her leg I pulled on it trying to wrap her around my side but the taught material stopped me.

Looking up at her I looked into her eyes seeking permission as I let my hand slide up her leg, taking the dress with me.

She never stopped me but you could see the small doubt pass through her mind so I stopped. Like I said I want going to push her.

Griping my hand reassuringly, my eyes racing from our hands back to her brown orbs double checking. She wanted me to continue.

Sliding her dress back up I stopped just as my thumb brushed along the line of hair under the dress.

She flinched slightly as my thumb grazed her centre but relaxed with a chaste kiss.

She was pushing herself. She was struggling with right and wrong and I wasn't helping. I just had to try. I didn't want anything from her, I only wanted her closer. I was certain of that. I would not push her beyond her limits.

Even though she had pushed me past mine in the past, they were two entirely different situations.

I lifted her leg up and instantly she wrapped it around me below my backside. Shifting I removed my hand from below her back and did the same with that one. Her dress moving up a little easier from the other side and her legs locking against me, pressing her centre into me.

My face rested in front of hers as I took her lips and let my tongue search her mouth.

I had never felts so sexually frustrated and content at the same time in my life before and knew without Bella I would never have felt it.

My hands gripped the top backs of her legs and it was everything in me to stop me from rubbing myself against her.

I let one of my index fingers reach out and at it found her warm and wet. She gasped in shock at the contact and my finger retreated instantly before it tried again.

She had gasped in shock but I needed to feel her again. I had never felt _anyone_ before.

She squirmed again, and again my fingers ceased this time, never starting again.

"Sorry…" I gave in a low whisper. I was feeling ashamed now, now I was pushing her. "I…I was just curious."

Her fingers reached for my hair, her both hands raking through it deep. She smiled shyly at me but she seemed happy. "Its fine, really it is. I just didn't expect it." She stumbled out her breathing in shallow gasps.

Even though I'm assuming she had only been with one person in her life she was still miles ahead of me in experience and I couldn't help but hate that thought, that I didn't know how to please her.

"You don't mind?" I asked carefully, eyeing her up.

She shook her head in response and I released my index finger again.

Again she gasped but it was smaller, it wasn't of shock this time it was just in response to the sensation.

I let my finger trail over her and I could hear her faint breath stuttering on occasion. But I wanted more.

Extending my other index finger I worked with both and her breath continued to stutter lightly. I wouldn't even have noticed it if I wasn't as close.

I felt frustrated that I still wasn't doing it right. My body betrayed me and showed exactly how much this was getting to me with the deep sigh I gave.

"Hey, what's the matter?" she asked as her hand slid from my hair and rested on my cheek.

I closed my eyes in defeated and lowered my head. "Edward…" I could hear her concerned whispers but I still didn't want to face her.

"I…I just can't do it, not like earlier." I shrugged still not facing her.

"Earlier?" she asked confused.

"Yeh, on the car." I was forced to look at her as she drew my chin up to her face.

She laughed a little but you could tell she never meant harm by it. She never meant to let it come out. I tried to lift myself off of her, to get away from the shame.

"Your not going anywhere." She ordered me as her legs gripped tighter around my waist.

"Edward it's not always about that, ok? You don't always need that response. I was enjoying it."

"But it was doing nothing for you." I reminded her.

She shook her head firmly. "It was, it just wasn't like last time, it was different."

"Bad you mean." I told her.

She sighed and pushed me up off her and onto my knees while she still kept a hold of me with her legs around me, stopping me from running away like she knew I was trying to do.

She rested herself on top of my knees and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Edward, it wasn't bad. Really you're just not sure how to touch a girl properly."

I snorted and turned away from her, looking up at the window in the roof.

She slapped at my shoulder hard and my attention came back to her. "From what I hear, every guy has this problem, even after being with people for years. Why should you get to come straight into the game and know exactly what to do?" She challenged me and from the look in her eye she wanted an answer.

I shrugged.

"Take your time, its meant to be fun remember." She smiled softly and I couldn't help but kiss her back.

Breaking away I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. I couldn't look her in the eye for my next request. "Will…will you show me?"

"What how to touch me?" She asked clearly shocked but she wasn't disgusted which I worried she would be.

I nodded against her.

"I…I..I don't know how to, I haven't done that before?" She stumbled out hurriedly.

"You haven't… touched yourself before?" I wasn't believing this one, she surly had in the past, it was only human nature.

"No," she said a little meekly. "I just haven't showed anyone how too before."

I pulled away from her and smiled. This was something, a first that she had never done with _him_. I wanted it, I wanted to take it and make it mine before there was anyone that could take it away from us, from Bella and me.

"It's a first for both of us." I tried to encourage her not to be nervous. I was beginning to relax at my own inexperience as Bella fought with her own self doubt.

She bit her lip and gave a small nod.

I didn't know if I was pushing her into this or if it was just the nudge she needed. She didn't protest so I took it.

She pulled me back onto the bed with her in a kiss, we lay like we had been, her legs still wrapped around me.

I couldn't help it, I needed something, some reaction from her and I rubbed the front of my trousers up against her and she let out a little moan. It was all the encouragement I needed.

My hands slid around the back of her thighs once again and I extended my fingers reaching out for her.

Pulling my hands away and breaking her kiss she shook her head. "Easy, I thought I was showing you." she was faking her own self confidence but if it was what she needed to do I wouldn't challenge her.

She took my hands and at the same time she released me from her grip around my waist.

Wait isn't this going backwards?

I wanted closer, not further.

She pulled her leg over to the side of me, beside her other one, closing he legs off to me. I felt deflated at the scene.

I just wanted to go back to how it was earlier, on top of the car.

She laughed lightly at the expression on my face and caressed my cheek with her thumb. "I thought you wanted to see how I touched myself."

_Holy hell_. I could have exploded at her words. I wanted her more.

"This is how I do it." She shrugged shyly explaining herself.

She got me lying on my side and she inched back into me, my chest and surely my noticeable hard on against her back.

She ground deeper into me but I was sure it was just to tease me. I practically growled at her in response. She wasn't helping.

Reaching back she took my right hand and held it firmly, our fingers running along with one another's.

If I thought I was going to explode earlier I had another thing coming for her next move.

She pulled my hand and placed it directly above her centre. It was warm and she was wet. She glided her hand and mine up gently and slowly before she reached down further and did the same again.

I close my eyes tight and breathed deeply all the time thinking about college, about Biology.

_Fuck,_ Wrong subject.

Think about anything else, anything else but fucking that.

It was no use because as I searched for a safe subject she spoke.

"Is that ok?" she asked unsure.

"Shouldn't it be me asking you that?" I sniggered in her ear and she rubbed against me again and I ached more for her.

"Its gooooood" She stretched out as I got cocky and reached further down.

"Was that good?" I teased in her ear.

"Uh-huh." She practically groaned out.

_So far: liking my first lesson._

She took her hand again and traced over the soft I had just brushed and she groaned again. And again.

Was this a new find to her too?

She rubbed against me again and I fought with ever ounce in me to control it. Not to come right here and now.

She held my index finger alone from the rest. "Here." She breathed out and I felt a small firm ball below my finger. I pressed down on it further only causing a 'fuck' from both Bella and me as she backed into me again.

I laughed slightly. "I know what that is." I whispered into her ear and she laughed too. Thank god I was a med student. Least I had textbook knowledge.

I let my hand wonder around the surrounding area, tracing it, learning it.

She let my hand run free for a moment and she seemed to enjoy it, she let out a few other small groans that I had caused, all by my self. I knew the grin on my face was entirely at my own pride and Bella's pleasure.

She took hold of my hand once again and my fingers trailed further down and she let go, allowing me to explore myself.

I followed the fold of skin back up to where my hand had been and then ran it back down to where she had rested it. Reaching further down my finger slipped into an indent. I knew what this was too.

I pressed further down and Bella jolted against me. I left her and gripped at her hip, holding her still. "You're killing me when you do that." I panted out.

She rubbed herself against me again and I pulled her firmly up against me before I released her instantly.

I loved the sensation but I didn't want to lose control.

"Stop it." I ordered being serious.

She turned her head enough so she could see me. "Come on; don't leave me alone on this one."

She rubbed herself against me again and I needed to release. "I'm not going to last." I gripped at her hip again as I rested my forehead on her shoulder trying to shield myself from her eyes. I didn't want to come in my underwear after a few minutes.

"You don't need to. Just go with it." She told me in my ear.

I felt her back against me again and I headed for the spot that gave me the biggest reaction out of her.

If I was going to let go, so was she.

I reached for her again, reaching for her pussy. She was wet and my fingers glided down the centre of her perfectly.

My finger circled her hole getting closer and closer before I felt the tight entrance. I pushed against it firmly and she backed into me and grinded intentionally.

Fuck she really was making this hard for me.

She rolled her backside up and down my crotch and I tried to concentrate on her and not let my hand grip back onto her hip like my instincts were telling me to do.

I pressed further in and she gasped again. I wanted more from her tough. The little gasps and moans weren't enough.

I let my thumb glide back up in her slick and found her clit and she wriggled in desperation against it and against me.

There was a deep moan and I was satisfied that I was getting somewhere with her now.

I knew it wasn't all about big moans and screaming but this showed me that I was doing something right, that she liked how it felt.

Her hand reached up behind me, reaching for the hair at the back of my neck and the sensation was magnified a hundred compared to her usual sensual touch there.

My breath stuttered and she continued to rub against me. I couldn't take it. It was too much and I knew I was going to come.

Removing my hand from her I placed it on to her hip and grabbed onto her hip with a grip that was to tight for me to have put upon her but I couldn't let go.

I felt the snap inside me and my body stuttered into her back, pulling her in as she continued to rub against me and play with my hair.

My face fell into her hair and I breathed her in as my body flinched automatically as it came down from its high.

I eventually stilled and so did Bella and my flaccid arm draped across her waist and my face still in her hair.

She must have seemed disgusted at me like this wearing my clothes still but I was oddly euphoric.

Turning around she tilted my face up to hers. I felt almost perverse for what had happened but she was smiling wickedly at me.

"Did you enjoy it?" she asked, her tone quiet no doubt at the look on my face.

I nodded and she smiled again before she reached up and kissed me and wrapped her arms around me.

"Well don't look like that then." She told me after she broke away from our kiss.

"But I'm still dressed…" I tried to explain.

"So." She shrugged. "if you enjoyed it, does it matter?" I guess she had a point and finally the euphoric smile caught up with me and my body.

"It was great." I mumbled into her hair as I cradled the back of her head and held her close to me.

I didn't want to ever let go of her. Not now, not ever.

"But you didn't…." I tried to let her fill in the blank herself.

She managed it "It's not about that, its fun and it was. Besides you managed it perfectly earlier." She smiled a smug smile at me and the glow from her I seen again.

Christ she was gorgeous. I just wanted to consume her in every way possible. I just wanted to make her mine.

"Well think you can handle some more fun?" I ask raising my eyebrows to her and she gave out a small nervous laugh but I knew she was willing.

Leaning down I whispered into her ear. "Turn around."

The lesson wasn't quite over yet…

* * *

_**a/n: ok so on lemony goodness if you liked, leave a review – I am still trying to learn the whole decent lemon writing thing just now so any pointers or suggestions welcome – ohh and also any dirty words – that preferably don't sound too dirty. And I hate the C-word so it won't be getting used at all!! Lol.**_

**_I know it wasnt as long as normal but the last one was and like i said I will be going back to things that happend in the last chapter._**

_**Now please please please review. It can be anonyms too if your shy – not that many of you seem to be… lol**_

**_peace _**

**_xx_**


	27. Chapter 26

**a/n: what the fudge – I know, where have I been – been busy, sorry! Enjoy! **

* * *

**Chapter 26**

Waking up early I let my eyes adjust in the dark. It's dark but its early morning. Too early for anyone else to be up after last nights party.

_January the 1__st__._

It's mean to be the day of new beginnings and new paths but lying here I don't feel like I have anything new to start. I have already lost all the paths and right directions granted to me at the beginning of a new year. I feel like I can only try to swim through murky water and pray to god that I eventually reach dry land.

Feeling Edward's arm around me I slip out from under him and quietly tip toe out the room so not to disturb him.

Making it to my room I crumple onto my bed still dressed in Alice's dress and with the make up she put on me all smudged.

I know what happened with perfect clarity last night but it still doesn't feel like its real, that is was some mixed up dream trying to lead me to confusion but the confusion has already washed over me and I can only sit there thinking about what we did. What I did.

When I was with him last night in the garage something took over me, some deep seeded impulse that I couldn't let go of. I succumbed to my own selfish wanting; that I had only just begun to realize the depth it held in me. The depth Edward held in me.

I ran recklessly into it with no thought to anyone else but myself.

And certainly not Jake.

How could I do this to someone who loves me so much, who has such high hopes in our future together? How could I do that to him?

My head felt fuzzy and beyond baffled.

I had brought Edward into this mess to when I should have known better of his fragile state.

He was getting better, he was, but it was only with me. He held himself away from his family just as much as he used to and the promise I had made to myself, for him to connect with his family had somewhat dissolved.

I didn't want them to be any part of our new found world. It was ours and when the moon was out we enjoyed it, keeping it hidden from everyone else in the veil of darkness.

I pulled at my hair and felt my legs getting colder. I was still in this damn dress and I was still without underwear.

I felt nothing but a common whore. Who was I to go around taking what I could off of him and sneaking away as he slept.

He deserved better, so much better than I was giving him.

There was a devil and angel on each shoulder each pulling me in opposite directions.

The devil telling me to take what I want, screw the consequences, and when we were together and in the dark, there was not another person existing except Edward and I. No one else to think or worry about. Not until the cold light of day that was.

The angel on the other side shook there head disapproving of what I was doing, trying to lead me to the right thing, to _do_ the right thing. Stay with the boy that has loved me for the past two years, stay with the one that knows all my history.

But when I was with Edward he knew everything else about me without words. He didn't know my history like Jake but what happened in the past, was in the past. I didn't need to fret or worry about that anymore. My worry was for the future and Jake never truly sensed what I wanted, what I needed, in more ways than one.

He was my best friend, but was he still my lover, the boy who I waited up for at night to come sneaking into my room.

I loved him. I truly did, but I couldn't help but think there had been some massive change in my feelings and emotions to do the things I did last night.

I pulled the dress off and felt more ashamed at myself as I stood in only my bra. My underwear was gone and I could still feel his touch from between my legs.

I had three glasses of Champagne all night; I surly couldn't have been drunk. I wasn't, but perhaps it made me a little bolder than I should have been, maybe the few drinks had given me the confidence to take what I needed.

But that was still no excuse. I had only one glass when I had found Edward in the garage. My actions _couldn't_ have been fuelled by alcohol.

I changed into my clothes for the day and pulled my hair back as I set about washing my face in the bathroom. I needed the grime and makeup off my face.

After that I headed to the kitchen and stared into space thinking about it. About last night.

_Did I enjoy it?_

I had, I relished every moment of it at the time it was only when I woke and realized my actions felt wrong.

_Did I truly love Jake if I was able to do this to him? _

I truly love Jake, I couldn't think of my existence without him.

_But was it still the same love I had for him that I carried?_

I honestly didn't know. He was my future, he was my plan.

I couldn't think to when I had become so disillusioned by reality. Did I really see my life like that, some plan or grand scheme?

That wasn't who we were but why had we become that couple.

It didn't sit right and it sure as hell didn't feel right the more I thought about it.

What was it about Edward that I couldn't stay away, even when I tried, why was it that we somehow kept ending up in front of one another time after time?

_Fate?_

Was this how it was supposed to go?

"I didn't think anyone else would be up." I jumped at Rosalie's voice as she walked in behind me.

She laughed a little at my fright and apologised.

"I woke up, couldn't get back to sleep." My tone was tired, just like how I felt.

"Want some breakfast, rice crispies?" She had headed for the cupboard and waved the box in front of me and I nodded, accepting.

She poured two bowls as I continued to look into space, she was talking but my mind just couldn't register on anything she was saying.

"Bella?" She called with a sharp tone finally pulling me from my trance.

I looked up at her waiting. "You ok?" She asked concerned as she sat at the breakfast bar beside me.

"Sorry, still just a little tired I guess." I shrugged of as I watched the little puffed rice float along the top of the milk.

"So what were you and Edward talking about in the garage last night?" So typical Rose, always straight to the point. I liked her honesty; least I knew she had it in her unlike me.

I thought quickly. "I was just trying to get him to talk, you know like Alice had asked." Lifting up a spoonful of cereal I put it in my mouth and swallowed it down.

"Did you get very far?" she looked at me as she spoke but my eyes were still trained on my bowl though I could see her from the side of my eye, watching my response.

"Not really, I think he is still just needing to take his time on it." I hoped this would stop his family from pushing on him too far after I was gone.

"You know, if there is anything that _you're_ worried about, you can talk to me."

I turned to look at her and shook my head. "Nothing to worry about." I gave another fake smile as I turned to my bowl knowing I had just lied to another one of my friends.

""Sure…" she spoke in to the air quietly. "But you know, if, whenever."

I was sure there were other things she wanted to add to that last sentence and I was sure she suspected that Edward spoke to me more than what was known but she never asked.

"Do you love Emmett?" I asked from no where. It was honestly not something I had wanted to ask her but it just came out of my mouth.

She had loved Emmett like I had loved Jake. But they seemed different, sure of one another.

She laughed a small nervous laugh. "Of course, what made you ask that?"

"I was just wondering if first loves are forever." I shrugged looking down at the soggy cereal.

"Some people I suppose. Emmett and I have been through so much and I wouldn't be here without him."

It was the same thought and reasoning I had. Why should I be feeling conflicted with Edward?

"But I suppose sometimes you just grow apart or things change. People change; we go off to uni and become these other stronger people. Sometimes the person that held us afloat all that time isn't really needed, we can swim on our own, you know." She shrugged.

"Yeh." I think I understood her.

"Do you think you will always need Emmett to keep you afloat?" I asked carefully.

She shook her head positive of herself. "No, I don't need him to keep me afloat, I can take care of myself just fine. But I know without him something is missing, he doesn't complete me, I complete myself, he just…oh I don't know, he kinda gives me a nice top coat, helping hold all the pieces together, and when I cracked, he was strong enough to help the rest of me keep together."

I liked her words. She was right. Jake had kept me afloat but I was sure I cold have survived without him but now I had cracked I really didn't think he was going to be strong enough to hold me together not when it would mean I chip him too in the process.

"So you and Jake not so good..?" she treaded carefully and it took all of my effort not to break down and tell her the full story.

I shook my head no. "I don't know what happened, Things just-"

"Changed?" she finished for me. "I know, I've seen it before and I'll see it again. But you can't live in the past forever. Sometimes we grow apart and that's how it's meant to be."

"But we had a plan." I squeak out my reasoning.

"So did Emmett and me, but things happen and we can change our minds. We're still together but our plans changed together. And I'm kind of glad they did." She smiles and elbows me gently. "I wouldn't have met you and you wouldn't have become such a great friend. I can't imagine my life differently now."

"What were your plans?" I asked.

"We were going to go travelling, elope and live out happily in the sun for the rest of our days, opening up a bar and having babies. But Emmett needed to be here for Edward and his family and I needed to be the top coat for him. It was never a doubt in my mind that I was to stay with him."

"Do you not hate that it was Edward and his family that stopped you?" how could she just give up her dreams like that?

"No, there my family too and I could see the difficulties they would have and us packing off wouldn't help matters, though they did still try to encourage us to go. But we love them; we would do anything for them, besides plans change for all the right reasons. Were both really happy we changed our minds. This is home, where I can come and get fed with Esme's great cooking and Carlisle who fusses over us at the sign of a tickily cough.

"Life without Alice would be, well, boring and Edward," She shrugged. "I love him as if he was my own stroppy brother. He's been good to me over the years despite what he might give out and I wouldn't want to leave him, he needs a good love that will look after him right and until then I like to keep an eye on him." She winked at me as if she knew, as If she could read me and I turned back to look at the squelchy mess in the bowl.

"Thanks." I tell her honestly because it's the first time in a while I have felt calm about the decisions I have to make.

"Staying with Em was right for me but Jake might not be right for you. But just promise me you will think about it first, that you don't do anything too rash."

I nodded but knew it was too late to take back anything 'too rash' and I hadn't really thought about it at all. It was time to take a step back and get away from Edward and really think about what I was doing with my life and who I was doing it with.

Rose got up from her stool and placed her bowl in the sink along with mine as I continued to think about my decision.

"Bella?" I turned to look at her. "You know you can call me anytime your home if you need to speak, I'm here for you." she placed her hand gently on my shoulder comforting me. I knew I didn't need to ask her too keep quiet about our conversation; she wouldn't discuss it unless she was really worried about me.

Her fingers slipped away and she was out the kitchen again and I was once again left to think about my fate.

* * *

Packing up my stuff in the room I had been sleeping, well more actually just storing my clothes, I heard a knock. Turning I seen Edward walk through the door with a shy grin on his face.

It wasn't the look I wanted to see. He looked happy and I was just about to take that all away from him. I gave him a tight smile back and looked back down to the pair of jeans in my hand and folded them up.

I felt him come up from behind me and knew that if he was taking the risk to get this close, then no one was about. I felt his hand ease down my sides and rest on my hips.

I had to do it; I had to do it now before things got any further out of control.

I pulled away and turned to him, keeping my eyes on the indigo material the full time.

I could feel him tense up, he was expecting this, I wondered. His energy had changed around him and I didn't even need to look up at him to know it.

"Don't say it, Bella." He pleaded and I had to look up, look into his eyes. I had caused this mess and it was time I started to own up to it.

"Last night…" I began.

"It was amazing." He finished. He moved close to me resting his hands on my arms and rested his forehead on mine.

I nodded agreeing. It was amazing, amazing but also very, very wrong. Wrong of me.

"Then don't say it." He pleaded again.

"I have to; I have to admit it was wrong. That it shouldn't have happened-"

He let go of me and turned around walking to the wall and placing his palms up against the wall with his head bowed down.

I didn't want to do this. I had to explain my reasoning. What I was doing, what I had to do for not just me and him but for Jake too because as much as he tried to ignore the fact I had a boyfriend, he still existed. I was still with Jacob.

I tossed the jeans on to the bed before I walked up behind him. I couldn't have him lose it, not again. I couldn't live with myself if I caused that again. I had to try and talk to him. Be rational and calm and try for him to understand the position I have got myself into and what I need to do.

"Edward…" I didn't know where to start. It was such a big hole and I was in deep.

"Are you breaking up with him?" I didn't know how to answer that question. I didn't know.

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore." I tried to explain.

He dropped his hands and straightened his back before he turned to face me.

"Are you finished with us?" he asked. What were we? Were we even an us?

He still seemed calm somewhat but I could see his struggle. He was fighting the demon inside him either that or he had just lost his fight and that thought made me ache. Ache to touch him and tell him everything was going to be fine. But I didn't know if it ever would be and I didn't want to make false promises.

I placed my hand on his face and thumbed his cheek like I knew he liked and his head swayed into my hand, taking my touch and his eyes closed.

"I don't know what we are but what we did last night was wrong, wrong of me. I need to sort out my head for myself before I do anything." I told him gently as I could while being firm.

"What does that mean?" His eyes opened up taking me in and he pulled away from my hand.

"It means I need to go home and think about what I did and see the reason behind it and…I don't know, I suppose try and figure out where to go after that."

He ran his hands though his hair, aggravated and stressed. I could see the internal pain all over him. It killed me that I had done it.

"So what you mean is your going to go home and pretend it never happened and carry on with him." His tone was aggressive but it was whispered so not to attract attention from down stairs.

"Edward I love him, I do. I can't lie to you." I was positive that he was the one person that I couldn't lie to, the one person that seen my truth no matter how ugly. "I just need to work it out."

"You need to work it out?" he asked incredulously.

"Do you know what its like, to have the though in your head of this person you have become, that if people knew the truth they would hate you. That I lie to my friends every single day and break every moral I had." I could feel the tears prick my eyes but I would not cry, I would not take any release from this. It was all my fault.

"And you don't think I feel guilty? You don't think that I don't feel like I'm betraying my family. I've done it for years." He raised his voice.

"Edward you have done it for years to your family with out my involvement. You make me do these things that I don't want to do."

"You certainly didn't take too much encouragement when you were losing your underwear last night." he bit back.

He bit back hard. Could he not understand what I was saying?

"Edward you make me do all these things. You don't physically make me but everything else about you does. It's like when your there, the rest of the world switches off and all that's there is you and it's all I want. I can't stop, I'm drawn to you and I find myself trying to get closer to you without others noticing and when I lie in this damn bed." I point to the bed behind me. "All I can ever think about is you. Especially when you're not there."

He leaned down into my face, anger in his eyes. "Well own up to it Bella, do what's right instead of stringing him along." He was still so sure of himself. His cocky attitude was grating when it cam out and I prayed for a moment of a sympathetic Edward.

"I love him Edward. I love Jake." I shouted at him.

"No you don't." he told me firmly and I was scared in case it was the truth. "Do you really think for one moment you would have come to me if you were happy with him, that if your really loved him you would have done what we did last night."

I closed my eyes at the thought and I swiftly brushed away the tear that escaped my eyes.

"Wake up, you might love him, but you're not _in_ love with him. Not any more." His cocky attitude was still there but I wasn't sure if it was arrogance or that it was the simple fact he thought he was positive in what he said.

His words stung as he said them and the simple realization of his words hit me hard.

Was that really it? Would that be how everyone else saw it? I doubted it. I would still be known as the girl that screwed over her boyfriend. People thinking god knows what.

"What am I to you?" he asked as I sat back down into the bed. I felt drained.

"You know what you are to me." He knew and though I couldn't find the right words to describe what he meant to me, how much he meant to me, we both knew it was strong.

"I don't. I need you to tell me. I need to hear the words."

"You know." I said firmly and he shook his head. The words, I still didn't know.

He shook his head and walked up to me and met my lips. He kissed me chastely but firm as he pushed me back on to the bed.

His strong weight above me pushed me down, further into the mattress and I didn't want to even try and stop him.

His tongue began to break into my mouth and I let him. I needed to feel some warmth from him.

My hands slid into his hair and I could feel the strands trail through my fingers, soft and smooth.

His hands reached below me, lifting me further across the mattress and closer into him.

It had to stop and as powerless as I felt I had to battle with him and myself from letting his go on any further.

I pressed at his shoulder but still not letting go if his lips. I pushed him further and further but all the time our lips still connected and he fought against the pressure on his shoulders to stay with me.

He finally broke away from my mouth and let his right hand cup my cheek. "I'm not giving up." He told me firmly as his intense gaze looked down at me. "I need to hear those words, I need you to do what's right but I'm never going to give up. I'll fight you on it every day, every hour if I have to. You belong with me." His words sent a shiver down my spine at his determination and because I knew he would. He wasn't going to stop trying and I could only pray that I had the strength in me to fight against him.

He kissed my lips firmly once again then got up off me and walked back out the door without a second hesitating look in my direction.

He wasn't messing around on this one.

* * *

I was zipping my bag closed and the only thing that was in my head was Edward. He seemed so positive of himself and that he wasn't going to stop.

I knew I could stop it by telling Alice or one of the others but I still could never do that to him. I couldn't allow myself to take away that trust from him because as much as it scared me that he seemed sure he wasn't going to stop trying, he still needed someone, someone that could support him when his world was dark.

I would always be there for him on that. I felt he had some need for me to be there for him.

There was another knock on my door and I prayed it wasn't Edward again. It was Alice.

The small pixie came bounding into the room in her normal ball of energy and for a brief second I had forgot about everything in my life except the great friend that bounced in front of me.

"So I have a favour to ask." Her smile was huge but slightly nervous and she seemed like she couldn't stand still for a second.

Reaching for my hand she grabbed me and threw herself down on the bed taking me with her.

"Spill." I told her with a smile of my own.

"Ok, well you know when we move into the apartment. We'll I was wondering if it was still ok that you know me and Jasper shared a room."

I looked blankly at her and she continued at my silence. "I would still have all my things in our room just that I would share with Jasper at night. Mum and dad would freak if they found out we were actually sharing full time and it seems you and Edward get on a bit better now." She shrugged. "I mean he was _actually_ talking to you last night in the garage." She gushed at the thought of her brother being sociable.

I could feel my brows furrow forward in confusion. "So where would Edward sleep?" I asked trying to confirm the thought in my head.

"Beside you of course." She said simply as if I was completely daft. Of course he would be. It was as if he planed it himself.

"So I'll be roommates with Edward?" I asked trying not to let the disgruntled surprise show.

"Sort of. I mean I'll still get ready and that in our room, it's just more of a sleeping thing. Like in the dorms." She shrugged again and I swallowed hard trying not to show the panic in me.

"It is alright?" She asked a little downtrodden. I had just rained on her parade and she could see it all over my face.

"Of course, it just won't be the same." I shrugged "But I understand that you two want to be together, so it's fine by me." I smiled at her and as devastated as I was that we wouldn't be sharing, my mind was in over drive at what this would mean for Edward and me.

"I'll make sure we still have plenty of time together and I'll make sure Edward is nice to you." she laughed out the last sentence and I sincerely hoped that she could.

* * *

On my drive back home I thought about what I had actually done last night. I had crossed that invisible line well and truly.

The entire experience was new and amazing. It really was. I didn't want it to end. My mind struggled at the beginning after what had happened in the garage but as soon as I was sitting on his legs we were in our usual conversation any thought of the rest of the world truly was gone.

There was another connection, not just physical but sensual too. While we fooled around I felt a bomb of butterflies explode in my stomach and they stayed there the entire time.

I didn't want them to ever leave me, but when they did the realization of what had happened sunk in deep.

I was a cheater, but I didn't feel like I was somehow. It was as if it was another person lived inside of me when around Edward, someone I felt comfortable being but not comfortable at the lengths they would go to for self gratification.

I truly despised myself for that thought and anything I had done that could hurt Jacob. My heart was growing heavy at my actions and all I wanted to do was go back to the summer when it was only me and Jake and Edward was someone I had never heard of.

How could my life change so much in six months. From Jake being the only guy in my world to struggling with my feelings for him and another boy, another guy that had been so negative towards me. What was in my mind accepting this in the first place?

I knew that he had difficulties in the beginning but even his cold words and looks only encouraged me more. I wanted better understanding of him, he had fascinated me and I didn't know if it was still some crazy fascination I had that let him control my mind and body like he did.

Even in the hours before I left I was collecting my bags and Edward had so kindly offered to help me get them. I could have rolled my eyes at his seemingly kind offer. As soon as we retreated up the two floors he had backed me up against the wall with a furious kiss that I reciprocated briefly before I fought him off, remembering just exactly who I was.

His words and action were only warm as I tried not to look at him. He lifted my chin carefully and told me in the softest voice that he still wouldn't stop, that he wouldn't give up.

I had grabbed my bag quickly and left him with the other as I bolted back down stairs to the safety of the others and my mind fought with the chance I had just given up.

He wasn't helping. I needed to go home and I needed to think about what this was all meaning. He was just causing more pain to my heart.

* * *

Pulling up into the drive of my house the front door was swung open and Jake practically sprinted out the front door.

Jumping out of my truck he grabbed me into his arms tight and kissed my lips hard and placed me on my spot before breaking away with Charlie coughing at our interaction.

"Finally, your home. He's been like an excited little pup all day." Charlie grumbled light-heartedly.

I looked back up at Jake and his smile was wide and knowing. "You left so quick, I never got a proper goodbye. And Happy New Year." He kissed me again holding my head in between his large worm hands.

He pulled away and I cursed myself for ever doing anything bad to this boy, for ever hurting him even if he didn't know it.

He loved me and I loved him. What I had gotten into with Edward was a mess. My words had been right. I knew there was something deep for him but there was also something deep with the boy that stood right in front of me and I felt totally ashamed.

Could you love two people at the same time?

I mentally smacked myself at the use of the word love with Edward. I didn't love Edward did I? Of course not.. I cared for him. I had cared because he felt secure enough around me to let down his guard and as much as I violated that, he had still shown his true self and I couldn't help but be amazed at the boy he showed to me.

Jakes firm hug snapped me back to him as he lifted me up and whirled me around on the spot.

I laughed at his antics. He was always such a kid at heart. He placed me back down on my feet again before taking my hand and dragging me into the house.

* * *

_**a/n: ok this was coming out in little dribs and drabs so I'm not entirely happy with it – sorry for lack of Edward but he will be back! Like you didn't already know.**_

_**Please let me know what you liked and what you didn't – do you think Bella's mind is working away too much – do you think she over thinks or what? Anything you don't like or like, please let me know. I can only try for better if I know my faults – but please don't be too mean lol – I know I'm not a pro.**_

_**Lets try and get the reviews up to 400 Please – I will be dancing in the streets if I manage that one – reviews were down a bit for last chapter and its freaking me out that I'm going down hill so let me know if you think my game is slipping or your getting fed up or bored. xx**_


	28. NO UD, BUT PLZ READ!

Just a little second of your time…?

Ok people so I have been happy dancing around the block all day with the crazy amazing reviews you all sent me.

The were all great – perfect constructive criticisms and not a glint of malice in one of them. You really do rock! I can't thank you enough. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

So this is the deal – I knew I accidentally fluffed the time line slightly – but only slightly – this is an Edward/Bella story but it did come with a warning at the beginning for all the Jakeage.

But I have caught myself in a bit of a loop. I used to be thinking of advance chapters as I wrote but I started writing them so fast and then life got busy it was coming out without thinking of direction all too much. So I'm going to take about a week and get it back on track cos I was pretty proud of it and I DO NOT want to let any of you down and palm you off with some crappy ending.

I have always seen the "shit hit the fan" scenes, so to speak and I know exactly where I'm going with them but it's the time in between I need to write properly and not some rubbish.

The story still has a little bit to go yet. There will be everything in it and there will be lemons too. Though I will try to keep it well written. I don't want anything too OTT and nasty!

I will try to post as soon as, but only when I feel like I have some decent direction but it wont take _too_ long. I already have a plan ticking in my head and I'm about to begin once I finish this.

One more thing…..

I know I'm often curious when I read FF's and wonder about the writer. Silly thing about the story, about them, something they might have said in a a/n or that…

So I was thinking of a 'Ask the writer' video and posting it on my YT account – It wont stay up forever – But I will tell you when it goes up and it will be up for a couple of weeks.

Yes…You will see my face XD… as scary as it is.

So I put to you. _What _do_ you want to ask me??_

Ask me anything you want!! PLease ask me somthing, I love replying to my reviews - which i will do again and try an answere any questons you had from the last chapter - and love contact with anyone that is interested in my story.

I don't know how many will be interested – or if anyone is interested at all – if not, it's cool. I thought it would just be something fun I could do for you all as I fix the story.

If you have a question, leave it in the comments or mail me or YT me. My links are on my FF homepage.

I will be back soon with more chapters for you!!

Fairytail Dreamer

Xx

PS – please don't hate me!

ohh another thing - Robsten - holding hands - Ahhhh, rumbled I'd say lol - And.. I'll delete this crappy post when I'm ready with the next chapter. xx


	29. Chapter 27

**_a/n: ok i know i havent got around to everyones reviews - I have been ill, sorry. I will try to get back to you all asap. As for the vid, I'll post it for the next UD which should be real soon! this isnt perfect but it starts to get better towards the end (;D wonder why) my next chapter i look forward to posting too, its not finished yet though but i'm happy with it so far._**

**_I'd like to thank everyone that is comming to this story...still, I keep geting new readers almost everyday and I'm glad you are adding me. Please leave a little review and let me know what you think - i have well over 400 reviews so i'm soo happy. I really do have the best readers, you were all so supportive to my Aurthor post and it means the world you are willing to wait on me._ **

* * *

**Chapter27**

**EPOV**

Looking up out at the window I could see nothing but black. There wasn't even a single star in the sky. I had gotten no sleep at all and looking at the glowing clock it only made me feel as if I was being taunted. The big bright red numbers glowed in the dark reminding me of everyone else that would be sleeping, Bella sleeping. And it wasn't next to me.

_6:34_

I gave up hope of sleep, it was a new day now and the apartment still had things to be finished with. Getting up pulled on my jogging bottoms, hoodie and my trainers and headed straight for my car.

The air was freezing as I stepped outside but I turned on the heaters, letting the car fill with the warm air as I pulled out the long drive headed in the direction of the apartment.

I walked in around forty minutes later, the roads had been quiet and my frustrated mind couldn't help but force the pedal down to the floor more than it should have.

I thought about her again. I couldn't help it. She was all I thought about when I walked in here. I could only think about what Alice had talked to me about. For her and Jasper to stay together at night, meaning Bella and I would be sharing together too.

I did it for Alice, of course. I had been such a dick to her, more so than usual, and everyone else lately I had to try to make it up to her.

Christ knows what would happen between Bella and me now though.

She left me after the most incredible night of my life and I woke up to the empty bed wondering when she had left me. Granted it was a wise idea for her to go through to her room in case we got caught being with one another but she didn't even say goodbye. She left me as I slept.

When I walked through to her room the next morning and tried to touch her I knew it was all over. That she regretted it, regretted what she done and I felt like the prick because I felt I had pushed for her to do it.

She was due back tomorrow night and I couldn't help the acidic feeling in my gut. I wanted to see her but I knew it was going to hurt like hell, especially after I had tried so hard to keep hold of her last time, kissing her up against the wall.

Working through what was needing to be done in the apartment I had let three hours pass by without even noticing, my mind working automatically and my subconscious thinking of Bella constantly. I could still feel her on my skin, her body against mine. I wanted it back.

Shortly later I heard Alice and Japer arrive in the door calling on me but I never answered them though they found me after a few minutes of checking the apartment.

"Christ Edward, just shout that you're in ok." Alice huffed as she pulled off her jacket and placed it in the corner. I was hunched across some of my belongings trying to sort them into the drawers and cupboards that had arrived the day before.

I still never answered her; I just continued doing what I was doing.

"Edward." Jazz greeted and I looked up at him briefly to see the arched brow raised in some kind of concern.

I ignored that too. I was shattered, I had hardly slept at all the past few days and hadn't slept at all last night, they should be thankful I wasn't biting their heads off.

"I was thinking we could finish off the bedrooms first, and then finish off the living room, it means we would only need to finish painting the kitchen tomorrow and then were sorted." Alice bounced on her seat and Jasper wrapped an arm around her waist.

I gave a small growl at him; all signs of PDA were now getting on my nerves. Why should they get away with rubbing it in others faces.

Jasper looked at me with his brows furrow forward. "Something climb up your arse today?" he asked not even batting an eyelid.

"Jasper." Alice scolded him but it wasn't much, her tone was too soft to show that she was annoyed at his words.

"What, come on, I take it all the time from him. Something must have rattled his cage this week." He told her as she curled into his side some more.

I was staying quiet.

Alice pulled away from him before she knelt down beside me, her hand brushing my forehead.

I hated seeing Alice like this; she always looked more like a concerned mother to a new born rather than the sister to a dickhead.

"You're a bit warm." She told me as if I didn't already know that, that's what happens when you lift half a dozen boxes up two flights of stairs.

I continued doing what I was doing and only shrugged in response to her.

She sat there for a few more moments watching me but I never looked back at her. I wanted to hug her and tell her not to worry, that I was fine but something inside of me wasn't letting it happen, a part of me seemed to enjoy seeing her worried. It was sick and I hated it but I couldn't fight it.

The three of us went around sorting out me and Jasper things in silence. They didn't push for me to talk even though they kept asking questions and got no response.

It was just before dinner time when Alice went to call Bella. She wanted her opinion on their room and wanted to know so it would be finished by tonight.

Walking back into the girls room Alice looked a little shocked but I tried to not look at her.

"Babe, what's the matter?" Jasper asked and my ears pricked up as I struggled not to look up at her again.

"It's Jake's dad, he's in the hospital. Charlie had to bring him home from a fishing trip because he wasn't feeling well."

My eyes flickered up to see her glassy eyes. Alice was always one for getting too involved. If she seen someone cry, she would cry. Going by the look on her face and the tone in her voice, Bella would be the exact same.

We knew Bella was close to Jake's dad, that she thought of him as a second dad almost. If anything was to happen to her family, Bella would be lost.

"What is it?" Jake asked what I was begging to know.

"Pneumonia. They said he's not doing to good."

My chest felt tight at the thought of her being so worried about him, I had seen that look in her eyes before and I was never a good look on her.

I wanted to call her, speak to her myself and see that she was coping ok. She had her family around her but it still didn't settle me. I wanted to be there for her.

"You ok Edward?" Alice asked and brought me back to reality. I had stood statue still thinking about her and it had obviously drawn some attention.

I nodded with my eyes trained to the floor not wanting to see Alice's face.

Silently I picked up my hooded top and pulled it over me before I left the apartment and ignored Alice's calls.

I wanted to see Bella; _I had to at least speak to her._

Leaving the apartment I headed for the park. It was dark and there would be hardly anyone around and I needed some kind of escape from the apartment or else Jasper and Alice would begin to see right through me.

Pulling up under the thick of tress I held onto my mobile trying to decide weather or not to call her. I hadn't called her before, ever but now that she was so far away from me I knew I wouldn't see her for about another thirty hours and I couldn't go that long.

I needed to hear her voice.

I studied my phone for what felt like hours before I finally found some nerve to make the call.

It rang.

Rang again

Again

And again.

I didn't even know if she would have her phone on her if she was in the hospital. I felt nervous at the thought of her sad eyes.

I was about to give up hope and hang up when I heard her broken voice call my name.

"Edward..?" She whispered. No wonder Alice looked like she did if this was what she had heard. Her voice was shaky and choked and you could tell she had been crying.

"Are you ok?" My voice wasn't up to scratch either when I heard her. It was a needed whisper and it no doubt showed my desperation to check that she was ok.

"I'm fine." She said and that told me that she was anything but.

"Alice told us what's happening. How is he?" My real concern was Bella but knew if he was getting better she would be feeling better, that her broken voice would begin to fix.

"We still don't know yet. I don't know what to do. I'm not doing any good here." She rushed it out and sounded panicked. How could she ever think she wasn't doing any good, her dad and Jake would need her.

"Bella, calm down." She sounded nothing like her usually sure self.

"Edward…" She cried my voice down the line and my heart stopped. She had never sounded so helpless in all her life.

I was growing frantic in my seat and shifted uncomfortably about. "Bella, are you ok?" I asked again.

"No." she sobbed down the line. I was in too deep to deal with her like this. I couldn't be near her and what use was I to her when I was so far away.

"I miss you." she sobbed hard again as the air left my lungs. _She missed me?_

"I miss you too." I promised.

I wondered just exactly where Jake was at this moment and why she was being so honest now.

She was silent on the phone and all I could hear was her shallow breaths down the line and I felt myself calm with the gentle pattern.

"Are you coming back tomorrow?" It was probably the last thought in her mind but I needed to know, though I couldn't have been surprised if she stayed home as long as she could now.

"I need to." She told me almost quizzically. She really didn't need to, she was meant to be coming down so we could settle in just before school started but we had a few days until that.

The line went quiet once again and I didn't want to break it. She was obviously having a difficult time of it.

"I don't want to go." She whispered out and I had no idea what she was talking about.

"What, you don't want to go to college?" It felt like she was having another conversation with someone.

"No. I don't want to hang up." I thought hard about what was going through her mind. This wasn't her; her day was obviously taking its toll on her mind.

"Bella, you don't have too." I could have sat on the phone with her in silence all night if she wanted me too.

"I need to go; I need to be…" her voice sobbed again. "I need to be there for Jake."

It wasn't what I wanted to hear but I understood it. I nodded to myself accepting her words even though it pained me.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I didn't want to say goodbye. "Call me if you need to."

"Ok." She whispered before the line went dead.

The conversation was as strange and had me worried for Bella. What had been going through her mind as she spoke? She sounded as if she was broken. It scared the shit out of me. All I wanted was to see her and hold her but I had to hold off until she got back tomorrow.

Driving back to my mum and dads home I walked in a daze to my room. I never returned to the apartment. After the phone call I didn't want to do anything.

"Edward, did something happen? Are you ok?" My mum appeared at my side as soon as I was in the front door; I gave a meek nod in response as I continued on my way to my room.

Reaching it I stripped my jogging bottoms and hoddie off before I climbed below the covers and remembering her words. _I miss you_.

* * *

I woke up at half three in the morning after falling asleep almost instantly after getting back in from the park.

My missing sleep seemed to be catching up with me and I felt slightly better but knew I needed to get some food into my system if I wanted to keep myself healthy so I headed for the kitchen.

Pulling out bread, I reached for the peanut butter and jam and made a sandwich. I was beginning to feel my hands tremble at the lack of food I had during the day, if it wasn't for the decent sleep I would have no doubt be feeling a lot worse.

Hearing a small squeak on the floor, I clutched at my chest, trying not to have a heart attack. It was Jasper, standing right at the breakfast bar and I had been so lost in my own head I hadn't even noticed him.

"Chill, its only me." he told me with a smirk as she sat down, my heart trying to recover still.

"Make some noise next time." I warned and he laughed a little. _Prick_.

"What happened to you earlier?" he asked as he reached for my sandwich and stole it away from me.

"I just made that." I grunted.

He shrugged as he took a large bite. "Make yourself another one."

I swear to god I don't know how I had never strung him up before. Been tempted many a time but never actually done it.

Its how we worked, I pissed him off and it didn't even faze him but he did always get me back, the difference with me, it pissed me off immensely but I let it slide… eventually.

Talking with his mouth full. "Earlier?" He prompted again.

"What about it?" I began making sandwich number two.

"You just walked out, Alice tried calling you but there was no answer then she tried here and you weren't in.-"

"So what, I went away out and she couldn't get me." Like it was anything to do with them.

"You have been a total ass since…I don't know, since after the party. Did something happen?"

I couldn't have him knowing anything. Nothing at all.

I thought quickly how to get myself out of it.

"And don't think of some bull shit excuse either." He warned me.

"I'm fine." I grunted not liking his attitude.

He nodded to himself, his brain ticking.

"Something is going on, why did you leave like that after Alice told you about Bella, Are you still into her?"

"I'm not into Bella." I lied. "I've never been into her, let it rest, you have been asking me that since we started college."

"Only because of the way you look at her."

"Fuck off Jazz; I don't look at her anyway."

"Well just remember she has a boyfriend, they seem pretty committed." And at that I had to snort even though I never meant it.

"Something to tell?" he looked at me accusingly.

Since when the hell had he been paying such close attention to the way I was around her?

"I see it Edward, you need to back away, she isn't interested in you."

That he didn't know. He didn't know anything else except that he had caught me looking at her a few times and that she was with Jake.

He didn't know that she crept into my bed that she would cuddle into me, that she actually listened to what I said. She knew me and I knew her a lot more than anyone would ever know.

I wanted her back with me. It wasn't going to happen over night but in time I would make her see. She seemed to be realizing all by herself already tonight on the phone.

That call still haunted me.

He sighed at my silence. "Look man, I'm just telling you. She's Bella and well, you're you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" my voice grew louder.

"She's sweet and smart and well you're a bit of a dick. The thing is you do it on purpose, you act this way and I have seen you do it to her. If you ever want a girl like that you have to take a look at yourself."

I was a more than a little surprised at his outburst. He was meant to be my friend. Nothing like the cold hard truth forms your friends eh?

"You agreed to take her to the ball and look how that worked out. You got into some stupid argument with her, upset her and well…what happened that night anyway? The fire distracted us from what happened before." He looked at me waiting.

"It's none of your damn business." I told him flatly as I took a bite out my sandwich.

"Look, I don't know how it works, your head, I know bits, I've seen it and I know that's you but the rest of it you do all by yourself. You think Alice is immune to your constant crap?

"She said that you don't go to her anymore at all, that sometimes she would see you, true and honest but now that she gets nothing. Her heart is breaking because of you."

I swallowed hard at his words. He was completely true. I saved it all for Bella. There wasn't another person who I thought about more than her. The others barely even flickered in my mind anymore now.

He raised his eyebrows, most likely at the look on my face.

"Your family are all there trying and you don't even care."

I did care but I had just pushed through them so much to get to Bella that I didn't see it.

With that he stood up and walked out the kitchen leaving me standing alone with my thoughts to myself once again.

Had I really became so detached?

* * *

Shifting on my feet in the kitchen in the apartment I felt the nerves swell in my stomach. This was the only distraction I seemed to have and even that wasn't doing much good.

Jasper and I had almost finished painting it as Alice flitted about the rest of the flat finishing off little things. We had all been quiet all day, Jasper and I more so than usual. I still didn't like they way he had come at me last night even if it was true.

"Finished." Jasper proudly proclaimed as Alice's attention came through to where we were.

"It looks great guys. I can't believe we got it all done so quickly." She pulled into Jaspers side, holding onto his waist and I felt the need grow in me to hold Bella like that.

It was then when I heard it, the faint rasp on the apartment door. Alice raced off to answer it and I heard a happy screech coming from her. Walking to the door I saw Bella being almost strangled by Alice as she held her in a tight hug.

Her hair was everywhere and I couldn't see her face. I looked at her trying to see her features before a cough coming from Jasper caught my attention, he had his brow rose obviously questioning my look.

Ignoring him I pulled at the strap in Bella's hand. It was a bag almost identical to the one she had the day I first saw her, out in the car park of the dorms. This bag could hold her in it.

Taking the bag I almost buckled with the weight, god knows how she had managed it up theses stairs; she must have been at it for ages.

The mass of brown hair was wiped away from her face and Alice's neck as her eyes looked up at me then to the hand that touched hers. Her fingers still grasped onto the strap and there was a small touch between us.

Her eyes were the glassy ones I had seen on Alice the day before and all I wanted to do was to pick her up and hold her close, away from everyone else.

"How are you doing Bella?" Jasper asked concerned as he reached into her, pushing me out the way and hugging her. I could have hit him for breaking our touch.

She nodded silently on his shoulder as she looked at me before she closed her eyes and relished the hug he gave her.

I wished I could have held her like that right now.

Alice had pushed past Jasper after there hug had ended and pulled Bella through the apartment to the lounge.

Bella sat back into the couch, her worn look putting years on her. She looked so tired.

"How is Billy doing?" Alice asked carefully.

She gave a small nod in response. "Better, a lot better, thanks."

"How's Jake?" she asked.

"He's doing ok, his sisters got there late last night so he will be fine with them and Charlie."

She let out a yawn and apologised for being rude. Like she could ever be rude to us.

"I know I'm just back but I really need my bed, is it ok..?" she pointed in the direction of her and Alice's room.

"Of course, is there anything you want us to get for you, some food maybe?" Jasper asked with a soft smile.

Shaking her head. "No, I'm fine. I just need sleep." Getting off the couch she reached for her bag and I quickly stood, grabbing it before she had the chance too. She smiled thanks to me before walking out of the room.

"This looks really great." She seemed to notice the apartment for the first time as she looked around the room.

"Yeh, Alice had us work pretty hard." I told her as I walked in behind her. "We got it all done."

Placing down her bag at the end of her bed I stood looking at her not knowing what to say to her. There were so many things I wanted to say but everything was stopping me. She was exhausted and she didn't need to hear me.

"I should let you get some rest, just remember that I'm sharing with you tonight…"

I needed to remind her so she wouldn't get a fright at seeing me in the middle of the night in her room, though after the past month she would surly be use to seeing me rather than Alice now.

Pulling off her coat she lay out across the bed and looked like she could have fallen asleep like that.

Heading for the door she called my name and I stopped to look at her.

She said nothing and her eyes looked away from mine. Watching her for a few more moments I silently left her too get changed and to get some sleep.

* * *

It was the back of eleven when I decided it was time for bed. Alice and Jasper had slipped off an hour ago and the rubbish on the television was doing nothing for me. Turning off the tv and lights I headed for my bed, Alice's bed. I still wasn't sure who it really belonged too, all I was sure off was the girl that would be lying in the bed next to me was Bella and it's all I cared about.

I slid out my jeans in the room, trying not to disturb her as I stumbled around in the dark.

"Edward." She whispered out and I froze on the spot.

"It's only me." I let her know.

I could see her shift up in the bed, her silhouette in the dark. I continued stripping off my t-shirt before the room was flooded with a warm glow.

Looking up at her, she shielded her eyes from the glair but still fought with it to see me.

Her hair was a mass of unruly tangles but she still looked beautiful, actually, I think the tangled heap helped.

Her eyes we still the glassy ones I had seen when she had arrived back and they made her look so innocent.

"Sorry." She mumbled, obviously at my undressed state.

I shrugged and quickly climbed under the cold covers of the bed. "How are you doing?" I asked her as I tired to warm up.

Sliding back down into her bed she looked over at me, her brown eyes, tense and lost. "I'm ok." it was the same 'ok' as on the phone last night and I could see straight through it.

Lifting up the corner of my bed covers, I silently invited her to come to me. It was her choice and I wasn't going to push her. Biting on her lip she looked across at the covers and me deciding, inside her head there was a battle, you could see it shining out from her eyes.

Silently she climbed out of her bed and got into mine as she wrapped her arms low down around my waist, her face crashing into my chest. I could feel hot tears pour from her eyes and I gripped at her tighter, letting her know I was here.

After a few moments she pulled her face out from my chest, wiping at her face and my body. "I'm sorry." She sobbed as she wiped at her cheek again.

"Don't worry about it. It's been a hard couple of days for you." She was stressed, of course tears were expected.

She pulled further away from me shaking her head. "It's been hard since I left here..."

Her hands nervously fidgeted as I ran circles across her bare shoulder in her vest top and waited for her to speak again.

"I'm sorry about how I left you. My head is just so confused I didn't know what to do." she sighed.

"…And you do now?" I asked trying to hide any joy in my voice; she was in my bed _again_ after all.

Nodding. "Yes. I know what I want but I know what I need to do, how I need to do it..."

I didn't like the sound of that too much.

"Edward, it you. I realize that now, I do. It always was you."

"But…" I knew it was coming.

"I can't tell Jake just now, I was trying to when I was home. Things were just so different with him. You were right; if I loved him I wouldn't have done that to him. I do still love him; I'm just not in love with him."

I wanted to jump up and down at her admission, tell her that she had made the right choice that we were meant to be together.

I reached down to kiss her on the lips but she quickly pulled back and gently pushed me back with her hand on my chest. I looked at her, questioning her move. It wasn't matching up to what she was saying.

"No, Edward. We can't, not until I have told Jake the truth."

"And when will that be?" my voice accusing, I knew it wasn't going to be soon with his dad in hospital.

"I honestly don't know, when the time is right, he doesn't need it right now. Not with his dad at the moment."

I pulled away from her, rolling onto my back. Was she taking me for a ride again?

"Don't do that, please." She murmured and her arm came crashing around my waist with her head landing on my chest again.

"Do what." I asked more than a little put out by what she was telling me.

"Don't pull your self away from me, you were the one that said I needed to open my eyes, I've done it and now I'm trying to sort this out as best as I can without hurting Jacob."

"He still isn't going to like it weather you tell him just now or when his dad is better." She pulled away from me and slapped a hand down hard across my chest. I could feel the sting almost instantly.

"What the fuck…" Jumping up in my bed to face her. Her face was tear streaked and her eyes were red and swollen.

"Don't tell me when it will be best, his dad is in hospital and he is devastated. I won't tell him just now. You either take it or leave it. I know it's you I want but I refuse to do that to him."

I didn't want to hear it but I knew that all she ever wanted was for no one to get hurt, that's how we had got in so deep in the first place, going too far, because she didn't want to hurt me or him.

"Can I ask something?" I didn't want the answer but I had to know. She nodded encouraging me to ask.

"Were…were you with him when you went…" I didn't need to finish my sentence. She firm head shake answered a loud no to me.

"I…I couldn't do that to you, or him." She shrugged a little. "I couldn't be with him when I would be thinking of you." she admitted a little shyly as her head dropped down looking at her fingers, once again nervously twitching.

Reaching down I kissed her on the lips when she wasn't paying attention. At my move she jumped back quickly looking at me in horror.

"I said no." she told me firmly and my head hung in shame. I was pushing her.

"I needed to. I need you. You are all I need." I reached for her hand combing her fingers through mine and held her hand up, kissing the back of it.

"We still need to talk. Things are only going to happen between us if you agree to a few terms. _I can't be all you need_." She straightened herself up a little and I knew she wasn't messing around.

"Terms?" I questioned, did she think this was some contract, some kind of deal.

"That day when you opened up to me in the forest, it was amazing, it was such a big step for you. I was really proud. But I promise myself that I wasn't going to be the only one to see it, that I would help you-"

"No one else understands, Bella." The fury in my voice evident at the though that she could push me into something.

"Make them understand, you made me understand." She pushed further.

"You listened, you didn't push me or my words, you sat there and took it all in."

"Well don't let them, you have to do this, it's for your own good, you can't keep pushing these people out of your life, they are your family." she clutched our grasped hand with her free one, lending support to her words. "I can't watch you do it to them or yourself anymore."

"But it's me and you." I fought.

"It's not just us, they are there for you, you need to explain to them, maybe get some help-"

"You think I need help." I pulled my hand away from her two.

"You do." she was honest; I could hear it in her voice that she truly thought that this is what I needed. Couldn't she see all I needed was her?

"You are all I need-" I tried to argue again.

Her eyes closed and scrunched, she was getting frustrated at this argument and so was I.

"You can't just need me, I can't be the only one you talk to, it's not fair to me and it's not fair to your family."

"Why cant things just carry on as they were?" Why couldn't they, why did things have to change.

"Because what we were doing was wrong. We can't sneak around behind there backs and you can't only just lean on me."

"You want to tell them that we are together?"

She nodded. "_If _we do get together I can't keep it a secret, I can't lie to them anymore. Alice is my best friend and all I do is lie to her. Our friendship isn't real anymore, its just one big lie after another."

She was asking too much of me here. I knew why she was asking for it but I didn't know if it was something I could give to her as much as I wanted her.

I reached out to touch her, her hip bone peeking out from between her top and shorts. Her skin was snow white, almost as white as mine, and smooth. I gripped onto her and leaned down trying to kiss her again.

"Edward." Her tone was warning.

"I want it; I need to know that you will be true, that I get you if I do this, that it's worth it."

Her eyes fluttered closed and I reached back down to her, my lips grazing off of her soft full lips. It was exactly what I had been craving since she had left me.

I let my tongue trail across her mouth before I let my tongue reach into her mouth, tasting the small hint of toothpaste from when she had brushed her teeth earlier.

I let my hand slide up her side and the other clutching on to her other hip, pulling her into me.

She fought to stay alone, away from me but I had got her on my knee and held on to her too tight but I couldn't help it. I never wanted to let go of her again. Not when she was going to be mine now.

She gave up our battle and relaxed against me, her mouth just as desperate as mine. We took one another in, savouring every single second of her skin burning mine in our needy touch.

Pulling away she looked up at me, her eyes full of shame and guilt once again and I could only look forward to the day that I never seen it in her eyes anymore.

"We can't do that, not again." She told me firmly as she knelt up on the mattress.

I pulled at her arm, bringing her down to me again. I kissed her chastely on the lips.

"I'm not promising anything. Like I said, I'm not giving up and I'm not going to be fighting fair either." I was positive of this. As much as I hated pushing her, she had already admitted it was me she wanted. I wasn't going to give up in that for a single second. I would take all I could get out of her until she was mine.

She wasn't Jake's either anymore now. She was closing that door to the past, slowly but surely, and I would be dead bolting it when she did.

"Your sleeping with me." I ordered her as I pulled her back into my chest and griped my arm around her waist. There was no argument from Bella but if she tried, I would have made it impossible for her, like I said, I wasn't going to be playing fair. Not for a second.

* * *

**_A/n: still liking where the story is going? Please leave me a little review and let me know what you think! it would mean a lot. How do you see there relationship going now?_**

**_Ohh as for new moon - I havent seen it - maybe next week hopefully! xx_**


	30. Chapter 28

**a/n: thanks for still reading and hello to all the new readers. **

**Enjoy. xx**

* * *

**Chapter 28**

**BPOV**

Splashing cold water into my face I try to waken myself up. Today I need to organise my belongings and make a start at settling in.

Waking up to Edward's tight hold around me wasn't something I was really expecting. It seemed as if he knew I would try to sneak away from him at some point so instead I had to wake him up, allowing him to free me from his iron grip.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be there, to lie with him, I did. I just had to stay focused on what I had sorted out in my head, that Jake was my first priority in this whole mess. I would not have him hurt because of my new relationship, or whatever it was.

Waking up beside Edward I had felt content, safe almost. It wasn't the tight grip he held on me but the simple fact that he that he _had_ held on to me, not letting me go even in his dream state.

When I woke him up he smiled down at me, please with himself, I'm sure, that he held me captive. My plan was to develop our relationship as I tried for him to develop his own with others. We would start a new – friends first.

Our positioning was a little closer than what I wanted but I couldn't seem to fight him on that one, I let my self weaken and slept beside him. I hadn't slept so soundly since the last time I had rested next to him, that night; the night when crossing the line was definitive.

Jake was still very much on my mind though when I woke up. He had been struggling so much with his dad catching pneumonia. Billy had looked so pale and he didn't seem to want to wake up, his body trying to hard to fight against the virus that had pulled him under.

There was a marked improvement which made my decision to come back to Seattle easier, though I had pined for my return to Seattle from the moment I had driven past the city limit sign heading home. Arriving in Forks didn't help too much either. It was different. It was home, it still was but it wasn't _my_ home, it was home to Charlie and Jake and home to my past. Seattle was my present and it was definitely my new home with Edward, Alice, Rose, Jasper and Emmett. They were my new extended family.

I hadn't noticed it before but we had become our own little unit, we seemed infallible as long as we had the others for support, despite the lies I had told and the secrets I kept.

That was another part of the plan – Truth.

It was going to come out, not quite all of it because there wasn't need to create all that pain, especially to Alice, but I would stand for no more of the lies I had created. I would work with Edward and use the promise of a future relationship with him as my bargaining chip. It was obscene to twist him like that, but as his own word went – _I'm not going to fight fair. _

It was for his own good and the promise of a relationship wasn't just something he wanted, I wanted it too. I wanted to be with him. I could see clear now, I wasn't kidding around and I wasn't going to be a pushover either and keep it in the dark. That's how this whole mess began in the first place. Truth is what we, Edward and I needed. We needed to face the consequences of the others reactions if this were to exist for real.

Arriving home I could see that Jake and I no longer existed. The tiny things he would do would grate on me, not because he was annoying me, or even trying, but because I knew I was wrong to be thinking of someone else when he tried so hard to be a good boyfriend.

I had missed him, I missed my friend. He was my best friend for two years and now everything had changed, our relationship and our purpose. Thinking of someone else is not what I would have been doing if everything was meant to be the way it was and after speaking to Rose, I could see the naivety in my thinking, that because we had promised one another for life, that it wasn't necessarily the way it was meant to be.

The promise was made when we were too young and still needed to grow and find something more to the world other than Forks and LaPush.

I had seen beyond that point and knew that I could never go back. Forks would never be the same and neither would my relationship with Jake.

Hearing a knock on the bathroom door I quickly opened it to see Jasper standing there. A smile breaking out when his mind registered my face.

"You look better." Pulling me in close for a tight hug. He was so warm and his arms around me soothed any woes I had in my mind.

"Thanks, I feel it. I had a good sleep." I told him honestly.

Pulling away for me. "Alice and I are going out to the mall, apparently she still need new clothes." He rolled his eyes at the prospect of being dragged around the mall. "Want to come with?" his poor eyes seemed to be pleading for help.

I knew if I went with him it would be less painful on him but I really had to get my stuff sorted, I hated trawling through my bag this morning looking for the clothes I wanted.

"I would but I really need to unpack, sorry."

He shrugged. "Its cool, just watch out for Edward… He's going through a bit of a phase at the moment." He warned me.

I hadn't though of him being in one of his moods last night, he seemed determined, almost arrogant but I never seen him dark or moody. Was he hiding it from me? And how was he managing it?

"Its fine, I'll just avoid him." I lied. I knew it was perfect timing to try and drag it out of him. Whatever was going through his mind.

"Ok, cool. Well were just off the now, Alice is just finishing getting ready. We'll see you later." And with that he was gone and I was back to finish getting ready myself.

* * *

Sitting on the floor I began pulling out my clothes from the gigantic hold all and started to put them past in the drawers and cupboards when Edward walked in before laying out on my bed, pushing my clothes out of his way.

"Do you mind, I'm trying to sort them out." He had successfully managed to rubbish all the stacked piles of t-shirts and jeans I had so far.

"No I don't." he told me as he folded his arms across his chest.

I looked up at him, his smug face was smiling and I wondered if this was what Jasper had been talking about. But he was being playful.

"You know, Jasper warned me that you have been…going through a phase." I waited for his response.

"Yeh, well Jasper doesn't know what he's talking about." He grunted not amused.

"Have you had a falling out?" I asked carefully.

He sat up in the bed to look at me, sitting on the floor. "No, he was just a little too honest with me the other night; I haven't really got over it yet."

He seemed to still be Edward, my Edward. "And you're still taking it out on him?"

"I…When you left…" I knew what he meant, where he was going. I stood up and moved to sit in front of him.

"See this is what I mean, it can't be like this." I told him gently.

"You told me it was over." He argued.

"Yes and you should have been able to talk to them about it, not take it out on them leaving them to wonder what is going on."

"It was your fault." He argued back.

"No, I'm not talking the blame for this. Don't you dare think you can say that." I went to stand up, walk away from him, but he grabbed on to my wrist.

"We'll don't do it again, don't leave me again." He pulled me down by his side on the bed, his hand reaching up from my cheek.

"I'm not, but you have to fix this, fix it all. You need to begin with Jasper."

His brows furrow forward in confusion. "You really expect me to do it?"

"Yes! If you don't, then there will be no us." I didn't want that but I knew it was an incentive to Edward, that he wouldn't give up on us, least I hoped that.

"What I said last night it still stands, all of it. I'm not living like this anymore."

"Tell you what; I'll make amends with Jasper when you dump _him_." He tried to bargain. I wasn't standing for it.

"Jake is something I have to be careful with, you and Jazz's shoulder pat apology is easy."

"You don't know what he said."

"What, what did he say?" I challenged him.

"He said I was a dick, that I was to stay away from you, that you had no interest in me and you were committed with Jake." He sighed, "Pretty much saying I didn't deserve you." He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Fuck, I know I don't deserve you but why did he have to say it. The thought was already in my head."

I was worried what had led Jasper to say those things to him but I was more worried about what I had done to Edwards mind at present.

I reached for him pulling him into me, kissing the side of his face. He did deserve me, he deserved so much more than what he got out of this crappy life. He had been dealt a shit hand and he suffered constantly because of it.

I ran my fingers through his hair trying to sooth him. "Listen, you deserve better than me, but I'm not letting you go because I'm being selfish and I want you. Your right, Jasper doesn't know what he's talking about but it isn't his fault either, we caused this, this is why we need to do things right."

His grip on me tightened and I could feel soft kisses on my neck and jaw from where his head rested in the crook of my neck.

My hand cradled the back of his head and I pushed him into me further, not being able to stop myself from enjoying his kisses. Pushing him into my crook further his kisses became more and more heated.

I leaned my head back, letting him dot my neck with even more kisses.

He lifted me up and on to his knee, my legs wrapping around his waist. We always seemed to fit so well together like this, like the space was created entirely for me.

I rolled my head to the other side allowing him access to the other part of my neck. More and more furious kisses were laced on my neck and my jaw.

Arching my back he held on to me tight, allowing me to wriggle, enjoying it. I could never have enough of his touch, its all that I wanted and all that I would ever want.

He stopped on the one spot on my neck, sucking on it, pulling at it gently with his teeth. I was sure it was going to leave a mark but I couldn't care, I didn't want the sensation to end. My hands were only able to fist his hair more and more, needing him more and more.

I wanted him; I wanted to be with him, for him to be with me.

I sharply pulled away, gasping as I felt his bite on my neck tear away at my action. I had to let reason back in. This wasn't the way I was going to let things happen. I had order I my head and not even Edward Cullen was going to interfere with it, as much as he may try.

"We need to stop this." I told him while I rubbed my neck.

He threw himself back against my pillows, defeated. "It's too late, it will already leave a mark." He shrugged.

Picking up a small mirror on the bedside unit I looked back at the reflection of the beginning to purple mark and shook my head.

"What? It's not as if you didn't enjoy it." He smirked.

"Ok, Edward, we can't do this anymore. We need to behave liked adults." As hard as it was going to be, all I wanted was for him to have me.

"Admit it, you're struggling just as much as I am, you can't stop yourself." He was completely true but I wasn't going to encourage him.

I let out a frustrated sigh at him, he was being awkward but I had to take him, he was still Edward, _my_ Edward.

"Right, I'm sorry. Just lie with me a while. You walked away from me and I thought it was over. I just want to hold you." He asked a little hesitantly.

I looked at him sceptically wondering if it was a trick. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I lay along side him on my bed, pushing all of my clothes on to the floor.

He was true to his word. He held me tight as we talked about us, starting back at college, almost everything except the 'terms' I had given him last night. He avoided that conversation like the plague and I couldn't really blame him. It was going to be a big step for him to take but I would be there for him, holding his had through it, every step of the way.

* * *

"Beeeellaaaaa." I heard the booming voice come from the front door.

Rushing from the living room to the front door Emmett was standing there with Rose, Alice and Jasper.

Crashing into him, he gave me a tight bear hug that could have crushed my puny bones to dust. He eventually let go, after Rosalie stepped in, claiming me for herself in a hug.

I smile at the four brightly, feeling content. I had spoke to Jake not long ago and though his dad had a long way to go, he was out of any real danger though he would still be in the hospital for a while yet, his poor health keeping him there along with the pneumonia.

"So," Jasper began. "We got Chinese so I hope you're hungry."

I nodded enthusiastically, taking the bags from them as they removed there jackets and shoes.

"Edward." I called on him from where I had left him in the living room. We had been watching some reality rubbish but I had been curled up into his side as he played with the ends of my hair. I couldn't actually tell you what was going on in the programme.

"Has he been ok?" Emmett asked concerned.

I shrugged and whispered. "He's Edward." As if it would explain everything.

Taking the bags into the kitchen, Edward followed me through, surprisingly and placed a gentle hand on my back as he pushed past me, reaching above for plates.

I was a little concerned that the others would see but he was standing away from me almost instantly and then I missed his touch.

I hated that we couldn't even be close just now, not even as friends.

"Will we just eat it in the living room?" Alice asked coming to the door. Her six place table going to waist again.

"Yeh, why not." I grabbed hold of the bags of food once again with Edward following behind with plates and cutlery. That wasn't something he would have normally done, he was actually trying.

In the living room we all dove into the masses of hot food. Alice and Jasper curing up on the two seater couch while Emmett's large frame along with Rosalie took up most of the space on the three seater. Edward and I, unattached to one another, unlike the others, sat on the floor.

Conversation stayed light but they did ask how Jake and his dad were doing. I noticed Edward shuffle comfortably at the mention of it. His demeanour was quiet and sullen, typical of him really but there were a few moment when he was part of the conversation, even if it was only a shake of the head.

Going back for seconds I flicked my hair out the way, unintentionally revealing my bare neck.

"What the hell is that?!" Alice shrieked as she jumped down to the floor beside me.

Knowing it was the mark Edward had left on my neck, I tried to hide it.

"Nothing." I mumbled, fussing with my hair around my neck.

"Like hell. Let's see it." Rose added in, joining us on the floor and pulling at my hair.

Trying to wriggle out from below them the pair laughed but I began to panic at the evidence Edward had left me with, that if they ever found out.

Emmett and Jasper laughed too but I could see Edward quiet, in his shell.

"That boy is like a vampire." Alice giggled, now straddling me on the lounge floor. "Look." She declared to the rest.

"She is so right, who knew sweetie pie Jake had it in him. He must be a tiger in bed." Rose laughed hard at the nonsense. They were playing wind-up and I had a missive key in my back.

It didn't feel funny though. It was a mixed bag of emotion. He had marked me in a moment of passion but the others laughed at thinking it was Jake. I wanted to tell them it wasn't, that it was Edward that "had it in him", that it was from the passion that me and Edward had, not Jake.

Alice finally got off me and I hid my neck sitting back down in my place. I felt as if I was mirroring Edward, quiet with my head down.

"He must want you so bad." Rosalie sang out laughing.

"He wants to kiss you." Alice now sang out.

"He wants to bite you." Rose laughed hard.

"Guys…" I didn't know how to stop them.

"He wants to love you." Alice piped in.

"Stop." I said a little more firmly but they still didn't pay much attention.

The joking and teasing continued for a while longer on the matter, all the time I still wanted to tell them it was Edward.

Looking across at him he looked sad, they were joking about Jake but in reality, they were joking about Edward and I could see how incredibly uncomfortable he felt. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, show them that it was him; _that it was him I loved._

The weight of what I had thought didn't have a second in my head before Edward stood up, leaving the room. He didn't even storm out; he just left, left me sitting on the floor alone.

Nobody though anything of it.

I couldn't go after him, as much as I wanted too, it would draw too much attention to us.

Eventually the conversation changed to Emmett beginning some story about this afternoon when Edward came back in to join us again.

"Edward, you need to hear this." Emmett laughed and you could see some form of excitement across Rosalie's face.

Edward sat down on the floor, paying attention to his big brother for a change.

"So this girl just came up to us and was like "You're Edward Cullen's brother aren't you, the boy that saved the girl from our halls?" She was practically gushing; her friend said that you were in her roommates classes. She was Jessica, I don't know who the roommate was." His brows scrunched up trying to think. "Anyway, this Jessica, she kept going on saying you were a total hero and all that." he laughed.

"I swear to god, I thought she was going to give us her number to pass on to you." Rose added.

"You my boy, are going to get some crazy amount of action when you go back to school, the girls will be lining up for a hero." Emmett added. "They will love your brooding too; they will think its part of the game."

"Emmett…" Alice put in lightly, stopping her brother from continuing.

Edwards's stony look hadn't changed much since before he left the room so I couldn't really read his thoughts on it but one thing I didn't think about was the girls that would be attracted to Edward the "hero". Was there going to be girls coming up to him now, was he going to see he could get better than me, better than some confused girl who still had a boyfriend. He wasn't stupid. It was all about time, and I began to think that mine was just about up with Edward.

* * *

Stripping of my t-shirt I stood in my room getting ready for bed. I still hadn't got all of my packing undone thanks to Edward and our extra curricular activates earlier and only just managed to sort the rest of the mess.

Bursting through the door I stood in shock, pulling my top in front of me trying to shield myself from him.

"Sorry." He mumbled as his eyes fell to the floor.

"It's ok, turn around and give me a second." I felt shy and nervous at him seeing me like that, it was surreal. He had touched me before but had never seen me without a top on.

As I changed he shuffled out of his jeans and t-shirt, his back still to me but I couldn't help but look at him, His back was strong, it wasn't as muscular as Jakes but you could see it was lean and strong. His shoulders and arms the same; it looked so natural on him, not bulky.

Before I knew it I had walked the few steps over to him and found my hand reaching out to touch him, my mind completely transfixed on the taught muscle below the skin.

As I touched him, he jumped, surprised by my touch.

"Sorry." I mumbled as I let my hand sweep across the plane of his back, feeling him tense then relax.

I let my fingers stroke across his back for a few more moments taking in all his perfection before he reached for me. His arm stretching over his shoulder and reaching for my hand, gently he pulled it over him, over his shoulder, pulling me into his back before he rested my hand on his chest.

Resting my cheek on his back I could feel his heart beat pulsating through my finger tips. Fast and steady.

I had seen him topless on a few occasions but never really noticed how perfectly build his body was. Whenever he was sick he could look so tired and drained. I would never have thought of him as strong. I knew he had carried me out of the fire but still… it had never crossed my mind.

He was perfection, he was beautiful.

"Your beautiful." I whispered out unintentionally.

Turning around I seen his defined abdomen, just as breath taking as his back. I let my fingers trail from his shoulder, down.

"Not as beautiful as you." he whispered on my lips before he kissed me gently on the lips, his lips needy and his lips all that he kissed with.

He broke away before I could pull away, not that I had much hope of trying in this moment.

His fingers brushed my neck, gingerly touching the mark he had left me with. "Sorry about that, about earlier. I should have known what Alice would have been like if she saw it."

I shrugged, it was done now. The only real concern I had was how Edward felt after the jibes that were supposed to be aimed at Jake.

I moved my hand up to his face, my thumb brushing his cheek and looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry for what they said, about it being Jake."

His eyes looked down to the floor. "They wouldn't ever think I had it in me." his tone was sad and low.

"They don't know you like I do, you have got so much more going on than you let them see, you need to show them it."

His eyes were still trained to the floor. "Look at me." I pleaded softly.

His green eyes looked back down at me, soft and worn looking.

"I seen what you did tonight," he had been trying and the sparkle in Alice's eye shone at it. "You just need to keep at it."

"It's hard." His eyes darted to the floor before they came back to me. "I don't know if I can do it, I've been alone for so long now." He sighed a little and his eyes closed shut it his own frustration.

I stroked his cheek trying to ease him. "But your not alone, not anymore, you have me. I'm going to be here for as long as you need me." the though of Emmett's words playing in my mind at the attention Edward would receive once we were back at school.

_He might not need me for too much longer._

"I'm always going to need you." he seemed to promise it too me but I knew I couldn't argue about my own self doubt of him needing me when he was going to be struggling so much. I had to put that to the side and forget about it. While in Seattle, Edward was my main concern. He needed someone strong he could lean against when all this became too much for him.

He smiled softly at me as he ran a hand through my hair, combing it back. I wish I could drag him out, just like this, for the whole world to see. They were all missing so much, it was tragic.

"We'll you need to try, for me." I bargained carefully, "I want to show you to the world as mine someday. I want to show you off, who you are."

"I'm already yours." Reaching forward he kissed my forehead.

"I…I just want your family to get to see what I see, I know that you want it too, you miss them."

He nodded softly as he pulled me into him and I felt him rest his chin on my head with his arms holding me tight. I didn't want to ever move.

Shifting to look down at me, "Will you sleep next to me again tonight." His vulnerability crystal clear even in the dim light. "...please." his honey tones soft and mesmerizing. I couldn't say no.

Taking hold of his hand I stepped back the few spots to my bed before I felt my heels hit the base.

Holding onto my hand as he helped me into bed he then pulled the covers up around me before he broke away, walking around the other side and climbing in beside me, pulling me into him, my chest against his chest. His arm wrapped around me securely like he did the night before and he reached forward kissing my cheek softly.

The tension between us was undeniable. I knew he surely felt it too. My need to be closer to him still wasn't met despite how close he held me.

I could feel this breath on me, on my lips but he still didn't attempt to kiss me.

I was torn at this one; on one hand I wanted him too, for us to stop fighting our obvious feelings. But on the other hand was Jake, this alone wasn't fair to him, us being so close together but I was thankful that he didn't try, for Jakes sake.

I reached for his hand, entwining his fingers with mine, gazing down at his long fingers. He was born to be a doctor, his fingers gentle and caring. They were designed for taking care of delicate people.

"You know I want us to be together soon." He told me.

I looked up at him confused. "Not someday…soon-day?" he smiled softly and I laughed a little. "I don't want to wait forever – even though I would – I want you all to myself, now, properly."

I rolled my eyes at him; sex on the brain was it?

"Hey don't give me that look; you know I never meant it like that."

"What, so you're a mind reader now?" I teased.

"No…If I was I would be in your head all the time, learning everything about you."

"You don't want to know everything about me." I tried to nervously laugh off. I was feeling strangely vulnerable in this moment.

"Nothing would make me ever turn away from you." his emerald eyes pierced into my soul. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted everything with him. "Just promise me you will never leave me again." He pulled our hands up to his mouth, kissing the back of mine.

"I'll never leave you, I couldn't live without you. Not anymore." My chest felt tight and I felt tearful at the truth in my own words. I knew I meant every single word of them. This was it. I was in too deep but I knew that I never wanted out.

Edward broke our hands and wiped at my cheek, wiping a tear that I never actually imagined coming out or even realizing it did.

The look he gave, the tension in the air. It was painful and glorious all at the same time and I knew I couldn't live without this feeling ever again. I couldn't live without Edward by my side.

I had fallen in love with this boy and no one else would _ever _compare.

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_**a/n: Ohh ok please leave a little review!!! Thanks to all who did last chapter and for letting me know you are all still enjoying the story.**_

_**Ok people my little vid I promised is up on YT – just click my YT page link of my FF page and you will be able to see it. I do apologise in advance. I have a crazy thick Scottish accent that may be hard to understand but I tried to be clear as much as poss. xx**_


	31. Chapter 29

a/n: A kinda important AN at the end, please read. But for this moment, Enjoy!! xx

* * *

**Chapter 29**

**BPOV**

It was Sunday, the night before we began back at school from after the holidays.

Creeping through the darkness on my tip toes I tried to keep silent so not to wake anyone. Getting a bottle of water out from the fridge I made my way back to my room as silent as I had come.

"I just feel that something isn't right, like she's hiding something. He's been acting…well not like Edward." She sighed as I froze on the spot outside Alice and Jaspers room.

"She said he wasn't talking but there seems to be something going on between them." Creeping closer to the door I listened in, worried about what was being said and weather or not I was on the road to being found out.

"I spoke to him last week." Jasper began. "I think he has a big time crush on her and that's how he doesn't mind her. He was adamant he didn't though. I told him to back off."

I guess this was in response to Edward moving forward. Not only the other night had he acted like he was almost involved with the conversation, earlier he had walked into the living room and sat down in the seat next to me. Nothing to strange there you might think. We'll I was stretched out across the two seats and he lifted my legs before sitting down and placing them on his knee and continuing to hold on to my feet, resting them in his lap before obliviously rubbing them.

Our contact was a little more than what Alice was use to seeing, never mind receiving.

"But he just touched her and held on to her." She replied sounding a little pissed, no doubt jealous. This wasn't what I wanted her to feel like. I had no Idea Edward would jump forward so quick on this one.

"Yeh…cause he likes her." Jasper added sounding a little exasperated.

"But if he would touch her like that, is he talking to her too. They are sharing a room…" Alice continued.

What was I to do now? I had been pressing Edward to move forward and at the first sign of progression Alice was already thinking he was talking to me.

We had to try and take smaller steps, this was too obvious, and we needed it to be so that it slowly bled through into normal living, preferably with more interaction to his family and not only just me.

"Alice, it's Bella, she would tell you something like that."

I swallowed hard, I was meant to tell her things like that, she had asked for me too and here I was, still not telling the truth. I knew if I did though there was a possibility of losing Edward, not just me losing him, but his family losing him, Edward retreating into himself in an even tighter twisted world.

"Your right…I just was surprised to see it. There must be some kind of bond he must feel towards her after the fire. Him holding onto her like that…I don't know, he mustn't mind it being her. He did save her life."

"Exactly." Jasper finished, happy that it had passed with I think.

Slipping back into my room I placed down my bottle of water before slipping into bed beside Edward. He had made me promise him that if he kept trying, I would share my bed with him. Turning him down wasn't an option, as much as I wanted too for Jakes sake, until things were truly finished with, I couldn't not sleep next to Edward. I needed this contact just as much as he did.

"Edward." I whispered into his ear trying to wake him up. I felt guilty at doing it because he really needed sleep. His anxiety was sky high at the thought of going back to college, it was even worse with the though of people coming up to him – Emmett convincing him, they would. He needed his rest right now but blind panic was in me. I needed to try and get him to stop moving forward so fast.

It wasn't fair that I was now asking him to do this after he had been trying so hard but I didn't want him to panic if Alice began asking questions with her suspicions.

"Edward." I whispered again while I gently shook him.

"Hmmmm." Is all he gave as he shifted forward, pulling me back into him. I couldn't see his face in the dark but knew he was still in sleep mode and wasn't concentrating.

"Wake up. I need to speak to you." I tried to peel away from him, letting him know it was important.

"What is it?" I could here his voice laced with his sleep making it gruff.

Shifting up I switched on the lamp next to my bed.

"Christ Bella." He complained about the bright light as he tried to shield his eyes in my chest as he wrapped his arms back around me again.

"Edward." I let out for the third time now and I was beginning to sound a little whiny.

"What." He let out frustrated, I could feel the words breath through my top.

"It's Alice." I began.

"What?" He lifted his head up in a panic looking up at me in the eye while squinting away from the light beside me.

"I heard her speaking, she thinks that you are speaking to me, like…I…I don't know really, but she is suspicious of us after earlier. I heard her talk to Jasper just now."

"What do you mean?" He asked shifting up a little himself, his gaze still squint. I wanted to kiss him.

"I think she thinks like we talk, she said we share a room."

"We share a bed." He mumbled to himself.

"Exactly. What if she gets suspicious, or even catches us together." I was trying to let him see where I was going with this without pointing it out.

"We give her the same excuse as we did the time Emmett caught us." He shuffled back down again, intent on going back to sleep.

"Edward-"

"What is it Bella?" He asked getting annoyed.

I swallowed hard at the thought of this. "Maybe…maybe we should cool things down a little, take it back a step or two." I was asking him the opposite of what I had been begging of him.

He sat up taking notice "What do you mean take it back a step?"

"Just for us to be careful, maybe not as much contact." I shrugged.

"Is this all because I put your feet on my lap earlier?" He asked a bit dumbfounded as he rubbed at his eyes before his fingers raked across his scalp.

"Yeh, she is picking up on it."

"Isn't that the idea?" he asked.

"Well…yeh. But it wasn't to make her suspicious."

"Bella, why did you wake me up at this time of night to tell me this?"

"M…Maybe we should sleep separately. You know, just in case she catches us." I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible so not to offend him, so not for him to think I didn't want him nett to me. I did.

His jaw set and you could see the look in his eyes change. I had upset him.

"You know what Bella; if you don't want this, just tell me." I hated my name to be mixed with malice, especially coming form Edward. I never though I would hear it from him.

I froze for a moment, thinking of Edward in front of me and Alice in the room up the hall."

"Fine." He gritted out before throwing back the covers and climbing out.

"I don't mean it like that, you know that right?" He was quiet as he lifted up the covers of his bed and climbed in. "Right?" I whispered across to him.

He never looked back at me; he only turned his back to me.

"Edward..?" I called on him gently. I wanted him here right next to me but Alice was my concern.

"I'm only worried about Alice coming in and catching us. She won't expect us to be so close so she won't think of knocking…" I tried to reason with his back but it was finished with. Edward was now ignoring me.

Switching off the light I slouched back into my bed covers, my body and mind missing the boy that should be right beside me.

* * *

**EPOV**

She lay there sound asleep. She looked so peaceful like that but I couldn't forget what she had told me last night.

Did she not want me anymore? What had I done? Was I too much for her, had she realized her life was better off with Jake instead of me?

"Keys." I grunted towards her resting frame.

It was early. A lot earlier than I had planned on getting up at but I had to get out of here, I couldn't be in this room with her for a second longer than needed.

"Keys." I shouted again and finally wakening her up.

"What?" she asked wearily as she stretched and gave a yawn.

"Keys, have you seen them." I flitted all around the room making as much noise possible.

"I don't know, did you check-" she stopped and sat up looking at me.

"What are you doing?" she asked a little taken back at me ready to leave I guessed.

"Looking for my keys." I reminded her curtly.

"I…I thought-"

"What did you think this time Bella?" I couldn't be bothered with her childish games anymore. She didn't want me.

She reached out for me as I knelt down onto my knees checking below the bed and I swerved away from her touch. It would kill me if I had her near me like that again.

She wasn't doing it again.

Could she not just be honest with me once, just tell me to fuck off or something instead of dancing around some crap excuse that "Alice might catch us." I was done.

"Edward." God I wished she would just stop saying my name. "I thought we could have had breakfast together, I know Alice is across campus today and Jasper is dropping her off so they are leaving early."

"Well there still asleep." I told her. "She definitely won't catch us this morning now." I shrugged, mocking her. I hated myself right now.

"I was just worried that she would want to know everything. Emmett is one thing but Alice…you know I'm right on this one."

She was right but I wasn't going to admit that to her. She had kicked me out of her bed in the middle of the night. Did she realize how much of a prick I felt right now? That even though she had promised me we could stay together in the only time we had, she had taken it away.

I continued to try and ignore her as I looked for my car keys to drive my arse out of here. "Keys." I mumbled to myself as I found them in the pocket of yesterday's jeans.

She crawled forward to the end of her bed and grabbed hold of my hand. "Please don't go just now. We can talk about this once they are gone." She pleaded and her brown eyes sparkled with moisture filling the surface.

"I need to go." I lied. She knew I was lying too, she already knew I had a late start this term on Monday mornings, I even reminded her last night when I tried to fight my urges to kiss her, though it was clear she was fighting just as hard as me.

"No you don't. You don't even have class till ten." Shit, she remembered. Of course she did, this was Bella, nothing got past her, not even me.

"I forgot I had something important to do." I lied.

"Like what?" she was challenging me.

"Getting away from you." I huffed and yanked my hand away from her hold, jerking her arm and body.

Without another word I walked away out of the room, out of the apartment and out away from Bella.

Ok so I knew I was a total arse, but didn't she want me taking a step back.

I was going to be talking a long backwards stroll from now.

* * *

Getting out of class I made my way back to my car but was stopped by some girl getting in my way.

"You're Edward Right?" It wasn't the first time I had heard it today. I usually gave a nod in response as I walked past, hearing them whisper from behind me.

The whole damn place knew about the fire. They knew about me, about Bella and all about Mike.

The tension grew in my stomach all day as I continued to hear conversation about me from the other students. I knocked back my medication trying to ease my body back down.

A few hours before the fire not one of this lot would have been able to pick me out of a line up but suddenly everyone knew who I was.

Like I had done all day I nodded meekly and tried to continue on my way. But she had other ideas.

She reached out, her fingers trailing across my stomach as I walked past her Freezing on the spot I looked down at her giving me her best 'come hither' smile and I felt strangely repulsed. She moved in front of me blocking my path.

Honestly, most girls repulsed me; I knew there was bad in a few, real bad, so much so that it didn't want the bother of looking for any of the nice girls in case I stumbled into one. This one here – she was bad. I could tell it a mile off. I had spent most of my adolescence watching others, there movements, reactions.

She was trying to portray a fake innocence but I knew from the smaller, more subtle signs of what she was really like.

"My friend is in your class, Angela." She smiled at me again.

I nodded knowing almost of who she was talking about. The girl Angela had always seemed pretty nice, why would she hang around with someone like this.

"Was it scary…the fire I mean?" she asked giving faux concern.

I looked at her not knowing what to say. I shrugged.

"Your so brave." She bit down on her lip. Not the cute nervous way Bella did, but as if she was trying to be seductive, like she was trying to tempt me.

I wanted away from this girl now.

"Edward." I heard Bella call to me and my eyes looked up searching for her.

She was rushing towards me and I still didn't want to speak to her.

I looked back down at the girl in front of me. "Sorry, what did you say your name was?" I smiled at her.

"Edward." Bella called from beside me, trying to gain my attention.

"It's Jessica." She gushed. "You know, maybe you would like to go for a drink sometime?" She asked.

It was the last thing I ever wanted but I played along, if only to work it up in front of Bella.

She sighed. "No, he doesn't, sorry." Bella jumped in answering the question for me.

"Excuse me. Just ignore her." I told Jessica as I ignored the glare from Bella.

"Isn't she the girl you rescued?" Jessica asked confused.

"Yes, she got a little attached." I shrugged still trying my best to ignore Bella standing right beside me.

"Screw you Edward, we are talking now." _Now_ she was being public. What would Alice think if she caught wind of this? Grabbing hold of my arm she pulled me away from Jessica but I stayed rooted to the spot.

"I'm busy right now. Maybe you should run along and try and find my little sister." I knew I was being a dick but every word of last night still spiked into my skin like shards of glass. I wanted her to suffer.

But I really didn't either but I couldn't help but play the arse hole card right now.

She sighed turning to Jennifer, or whoever she was "I'm sorry but he has a condition, it makes him an ass hole. Not good boyfriend material at _all_."

Bella pulled me away from the girl and wasn't stopping until we were out of ear shot.

"How dare you tell her about me like that." I yelled at her.

"Please, like she thought I would have been serious. What are you doing with her anyway?" She crossed her arms expecting an answer.

"Talking." I told her curtly.

"You don't talk." She reminded me flatly.

"Maybe I do, maybe I just don't want to talk to you anymore." I shrugged.

Her face changed at the realization of what I said. What would happen to us if I didn't speak to her again, what would happen to _me_ if I didn't speak to her again.

I couldn't. I would find away to be with her again, she said it was about Alice, well if it was about Alice I would use every dirty trick to break her and make her mine to prove herself.

Reaching forward I leaned in to kiss her, out in the open, out in the public. I wasn't taking a step back, I was taking a huge leap forward and I wanted it.

I wanted to see her reaction; I wanted to see if she would kiss me back, if she still wanted me.

She pulled away from me instantly as our lips touched.

"You don't want to be with me." I told her simply.

"Of course I do. But that was public." She looked up at me, her eyes flashing with intensity. "What if some one saw us?"

"Screw it, kiss me now or it's over. I have been pushing forward since the moment I got you back and now you're telling me to back away. I'm not some little lap dog. We were meant to be showing we were friends but now your pushing me away again." I sighed.

"Kiss me." I ordered.

She looked down at her feet. She wasn't going to do it.

Rising onto her tip toes she reached forward kissing me quickly on the cheek.

"This isn't finished." She told me as she quickly walked away from me.

* * *

For the rest of the day I went around doing my best to ignore her. She wanted it like this.

She had tried to get m attention a few times but every time I would give her a sharp comment and push past her.

Alice was witness to one of these outbursts so I was pretty sure Bella's worries about Alice being suspicious were now extinguished.

She placed a hand on the back of my arm, alerting me to her behind me once again.

I recoiled my arm back before glairing at her from over my shoulder.

"Don't be like this." She hissed in a whisper.

Matching her tone so the others wouldn't hear. "This is how you wanted it." I reminded her.

She reached for my arm again and I pulled away from her touch again. I was only doing what she was asking.

"We will talk about this later." She warned me before stomping out the room.

Finally I decided it was time for bed. Alice, Jasper and Bella had all headed about an hour before. Bella, I'm sure had been expecting me to follow her through.

Walking into the room she placed down her book on her bedside drawers and looked up at me, waiting for something.

I began peeling off my jeans and then moved onto my shirt, opening the buttons one by one.

"Edward…" she whispered out my name looking up at me.

I looked back at her, expecting her to begin her rant.

She pulled back her bed covers, inviting me in beside her but I headed straight to my own bed. I wasn't just going to crawl in beside her.

"Can we just talk, please." She was pleading and I hated to hear her sounding in despair.

"You said everything you needed to last night." I shrugged climbing further into the covers.

Getting out of her bed she moved over to me, pulling back my bed cover and climbing in.

"Alice might see us." I huffed mocking her excuse.

"Will you just stop already? I panicked last night, you would have too if you heard what I had heard." She lay with her arms crossed, not even attempting to get closer to me.

"Well what is it to be Bella, do we keep this going on or do you want out."

"You know I want to be with you, you…you know all of this."

"Yeh but you kicked me out your bed sounding the exact opposite last night."

She turned to me, her hand reaching out to me, touching my bare shoulder.

I flinched away from her again.

"I'm sorry, lets just forget it happened ok, we keep moving forward, even if Alice does get suspicious ok." She didn't sound happy at the thought and I didn't really want it either but I knew if we began to go backwards I may never get her as mine.

That's what this was all about, me getting to have her.

"And what about the girl..?" Who?

"What girl?" I asked not knowing who she was talking about.

"The one from earlier, you know outside your class." Her voice was scratchy

"Jessica? You're worried about her?" I was in total shock, was she jealous?

"She asked you out." She shrugged.

Rolling onto my side to see her properly, to look into her beautiful brown eyes "You think I want her?" I asked disbelieving.

She shrugged silently again.

"Are you jealous?" I couldn't help the smile on my face at that one.

"Don't laugh." She huffed and looked away from me.

"Bella, you should know by now that you are it for me. But am I it for you?" I questioned her.

"You know you are." She protested.

"Then kiss me." I challenged her again; this time there was on one around, no one to see us.

"You know I can't, not until I have spoken to Jake."

I grunted at the mention of him.

I rolled over on top of her, keeping my weight off of her. She looked surprised as I was sure she would be.

I reached down and gently pulled at her thigh, parting her legs and resting myself in-between her.

She gasped at the movement, making me go hard for her. She looked so beautiful below me. This is how she was meant to look.

I pulled at her leg gently again, bringing it up by my side, feeling her soft flesh against my hip, though my boxers. She was warm in contrast to my cool skin that was only beginning to heat up again.

I was going to push her because I deserved something back from her after the last day. I needed her to prove me right, that she did want me too.

"Who is it you want? Me or him?" I asked her.

"You know who I want…"

"Then prove it." I ordered her. I felt like such a prick making her bend her morals but we hard already broken them before.

I pulled at her leg, bringing her close to me and she let out a gasp in surprise as I pushed myself against her centre. We were still dressed but she would no doubt feel the strain in my boxers against her. How much I wanted her.

She looked up at me not sure what to do. "Prove it." I whispered into her ear before I moved onto her lips and kissing her.

She didn't protest and it was relatively small, chaste kiss.

She moved her head away and I sat back on my heels still in front of her.

"I want you but you need to prove you're not stringing me along."

"You know I'm not. I want you; I want to be with you."

She might have wanted me but I had already fallen in love with her. I stood to lose out the most here; I needed this from her to prove to myself she wasn't going to break me.

I slid up her vest slowly, just to below her breast. I placed a hand across her stomach. She looked so small against my large hands. Her tiny petite waist could almost be crossed with the span of my hand.

I pressed into her gently before my fingers slowly trailed down, reaching the waist band of her bed underwear.

I wanted to pull them away from her.

I could hear her shallow breaths stutter at my contact. Was she worried that I was going to make her do something she didn't want to do.

I didn't care.

I let my fingers hook on to the sides of her underwear and slid them down by about a centimetre. I could hear her breaths get more panicked.

I pulled away my hands not wanting to force myself on to her.

"Can I kiss you?" I begged. I needed something from her so bad. If she didn't give me it, I was going to be taking it.

She silently nodded and I pushed myself into her parted legs again before my mouth reached hers.

Our lips met, my mouth hungry for hers. I pulled at her waist, pulling her into me again and her grasped onto my hair bringing me even deeper into her mouth.

My tongue was harsh a and needy as I pushed through into her mouth, tasting her sweet breath tangle with mine.

She seemed just as wanting of this kiss. She would fight me on this daily but now she had let that drop for this moment she was just as desperate for this as I was.

I loved the sensation of her hands in my hair. I wanted to feel her need me like this all the time.

I pulled at her other leg, wrapping them both around me, our lips never losing contact for a second.

I reached behind her, pulling her up with me, on to my knee.

I had to chance it. I wasn't going to stop until she stopped me.

I pulled at the hem of her vest pulling it up over her chest. Our kiss broke only for a second as it went up over her head.

She was on my knee with only her underwear on. I grew harder by the second at the thought.

I had to break away from her, I needed to see her. I could only hope that she didn't panic when I did.

Breaking away from her mouth I smiled gently at her, trying to relax her.

My eyes moved down seeing her breasts for the first time. Her body was stunning.

I could see her blush and pull away from me slightly but I couldn't lose her, not now.

I pulled her back into me and whispered into her ear. "I will never want anyone else." I told her honestly.

I caught her biting on her lip nervously again. It was the sweet cute way only she could do it.

I smiled at her before reaching in to kiss her again.

I hadn't lied; she really was the only one I would ever want. I knew if she ever left me I would be lost and have no one again. She was the only one for me. The only one that could seem to understand me.

I gripped at her waist, gently placing her back down on the bed in front of me.

I kissed her lips and trailed down her jaw line and down her neck.

I licked the little purple mark that was still on her skin from the other day. I was sorry for marking her but I somehow wanted to do it again but I couldn't chance the others seeing it again. They would find out.

I lay kisses down her and reached her chest, her two marvellous pink peaks inviting me in.

Taking one into my mouth I felt her jump in surprise. I placed my hand down firmly on her stomach, relaxing her.

I let my tongue roll over her nipple before gently sucking on it.

I wanted more.

I moved onto the other, giving it just as much adoration as the other.

I continued my kisses in a trail down her navel before I hesitated as I reached her underwear.

Hooking my fingers below the material I looked up at her for sign of protest and when I began to pull them away she jumped up onto her elbows.

I silently pleaded for her to let me to continue.

Her brown bore into my eyes but I sat, waiting for permission.

Her breath quickened and she threw herself back down onto the bed. I could see her hands fist and relax, obviously trying to ease the doubt.

She wasn't coping with this. And it wasn't fair for me to push her like this.

I let go of her underwear and slid back up her body until I was in front of her again.

She didn't look at me.

Gently pulling at her cheek I managed to get her to direct her eyes at me and rested my forehead on hers.

"I'm not forcing you into something you don't want." I tried to ease her, show her that I wasn't bullying her past her limits as much as I wanted too.

"I…I want to." Her eyes falling from mine again, her voice barely a whisper.

I kissed her lips gently and she came back at me with more need, her legs pulling up at my sides.

I practically growled at her, feeling her heat closer to me. I needed more.

I let my fingers push down on her stomach and going below the waist line of her underwear, touching her.

I tried to think of the way she showed me just over a week ago, letting my fingers gravitate closer to where she was damp.

I brushed past her clit and her automatic reaction was to buck forward into my hand, her body wanting more of the contact.

I needed more of her. I needed to be with her. To show her exactly how much I loved her.

It wasn't a doubt in my mind, this is what this was. Love.

It was the only reason I could be so greedy of someone else, someone else's body. I had to have her like my mind already had her. My mind was completely consumed.

I bit her lip gently pulling at it before letting it go and crashing my tongue back into her mouth once again.

My hands began to pull away the material once again with nervous hands.

She reached down to my boxers and pulled at the material, mimicking my actions. Her hands seeming to shake just as much as mine. We were both nervous as hell and it made me relax a little knowing I was going into this with the same anxiety as her.

Shuffling out of the small pieces of material I hovered above her naked as she was.

My erection was strained and pressing against her but there was little I could do if it was making her concerned.

She looked down between us nervously, her biting on her bottom lip again and I removed it with the gentle touch of my index finger.

Reaching for her hand, I clasped them together and resting them at the side of her head.

"Are you ok?" I whispered to her and my voice trembling.

I was nervous as hell, I was getting to be with the girl of my life but she was breaking her own rules and no doubt breaking everything that she and _him_ stood for.

She was going to become mine and then he would have nothing of her. I wasn't ever going to let go of her then.

She nodded in response.

"Are…are you sure?" I had to double check; as much as it killed me to I couldn't not check. She was my only priority in life. She was becoming the only reason for my existence. If I didn't get to have her I couldn't think of living without her. I couldn't go back to the empty shell of a life I had lived for years. Not after she had pulled me from it and gave me the rest of the world.

"I want you, I want this." Her voice was still unsure and I hated myself.

I let my eyes fall away from her face. I couldn't do it. Not like this.

She knew what I was thinking without me even having to say anything, just like always.

"I want to be with you now. Don't let your mind question it, ever." Her free hand reached up to my face and stroked at my cheek the way only she did. The way only she would ever be allowed.

She reached forward kissing me and I knew she was being honest.

Parting I breathed for a moment. "Are you…you know. On anything?" I asked carefully. I still didn't want to assume that this was going to happen.

She nodded gently looking away and I brought her back t me with my free hand before I reached down between us, feeling her, seeing if she was ready.

I still couldn't believe she was letting me have her, wholly and completely.

I parted her legs further and slid the tip of me along her centre, my body really feeling her for the first time.

I looked into her eyes the whole time needing to see her reassurance, that this was ok and to see any doubt that may rise in her.

"Edward…" she called into my ear griping at the back of my hair. She was pleading with me to give her more.

Slowly I entered her, feeling her warmth surround me and relishing every single part and second of it.

I fitted here but she was a little tight and she shuffled almost uncomfortably below me.

"Are you ok?" I check again.

She smiled at me gently and her eyes sparkled. "I am now." Her voice was soft and promising.

She squeezed onto our clasped hands and I reached down and kissed her on the mouth.

I rocked gently back and forth, Bella rocking in time with me as she wrapped her legs tightly, secure around me, pulling me into her even further.

I wasn't going to last long. It was my first time and there was nothing that could slow me down. I was filled with nerves and her motions struck at me constantly.

I didn't want her to stop, I just knew I wasn't going to last.

She lay below me, looking intently in my eyes, he breasts moving along with the rhythm we had both created. She was divine. She was sending me over the edge and I couldn't hold on.

The key tightened, the sensation over bearing but still perfection.

Moving in and out of her I tried to last.

The coil wound up as tight as it could go, snapped releasing me as I came inside her as I kissed her hard on the lips.

I collapsed down onto her, my weight no doubt crushing her. I was spent.

It was amazing. Nothing compared to what I had felt when I had released myself, alone.

I knew that that I hadn't been able to satisfy her yet again. "Sorry." I mumbled out.

She let out the tiniest whispered laugh in my ear sending a shiver down my spine. "I love being with you. I…I'm glad it was me. That you picked me."

I looked at her, her features turning pink, even the swell of her chest.

I loved being with her too; I loved her, anything I ever got from her I would love, even the bad. It was wrong to admit that but I couldn't think of anything that would make me not want to be with her.

But she was wrong. She had given herself up to me. there was no one else for me but there was other options for her.

I had her; she had given herself to me. She wasn't his any more. The words of separation between them would be just a formality now.

I tried to shift off of her, my arms couldn't take my own weigh right now and I was squashing her. As great as it felt I had to get off of her.

I began to pull away but her grip of me tightened. "No, stay there." She ordered me.

I couldn't argue wit her.

Kissing her forehead I lay on top of her with her tight grip never giving up on me.

I was ruined now, no one could offer what Bella gave to me. She was what I needed and all I would ever want.

* * *

_**a/n: ok people – I beg of you – please review and let me know what you think – do you like EPOV or BPOV better? What you think of the lemons I had a drop in reviews last chapter and I was surprised. I was really happy with that chapter too. So please let me know if you like or even if you don't. **_

_**Also – I have to say it – I'm deeply in love with this Edward – would you like to have more of him?**_

_**This story is slowly but surly coming to an end but I have thought of a little spin off from this if you would be interested? Anyone want to see a prologue? **_

_**It would be Bella and Edward, a little further into the future – no Jake, people!!! Lol. It wouldn't be as long but it would show you Edward and Bella dealing with his condition and new strains in life.**_

_**Let me know if you would be interested. There would be the usual dark and moody Edward but him in his shining moments too. **_

_**Please let me know ok!! **_

_**Fd xx**_


	32. Chapter 30

**_a/n: Prolouge is at the end of this chapter so please read and let me know if you are interested in the story. And thank you all for the reviews - a new record - I'm amazed - want to try another record? please please review!!_**

* * *

**Chapter 30**

**EPOV**

Stretching my arm out I found the bed empty, Bella was gone.

My stomach dropped at the thought of her leaving me yet again. All she seemed to do was run away from me.

I looked at the clock that flashed the back of five. She couldn't have gone far.

I looked for my boxers and shirt, putting them back on I went to look for her. The kitchen light was on and I headed straight for her.

She was sitting dazed, looking at her hands and hadn't notice me standing at the door. Tapping lightly on the door, her attention shot to me as I walked in walking straight to her.

I didn't want her to have any regrets but clearly she did. Of course she did, she had crossed so many lines and this was the final one. There was no silly mistake about it, no curious feelings. She had been with me and she wanted it. _I hoped_.

"Are you alright?" I asked crouching down and kissing her temple.

She nodded silently. Guilt no doubt getting to her.

Was it a mistake? For her?

It wasn't for me. It could never be.

"Can't you sleep?" I asked gently, looking up at her slightly from my crouched position.

She nodded silently again. I took it as a no.

Reaching for her hand, her attention came back to me. "Your scaring me here, do…do you regret it?" I couldn't help the tone in my voice, the fear showing through.

"I'm sorry…" my heart was cracking; did she wish she could take it back? "I…I just had to think, but I _don't_ regret it." She smiled soft at me and the cracks began to fill up again.

I let my eyes close with relief and felt her hand on my face, cupping my cheek. She was cold.

"Your cold." I told her. "Come back to bed and we can talk there."

I took hold of her hand and she followed behind me, her free hand grasping onto my shirt. It was the most secure I had felt in years. _She was holding on to me._

Pulling back the covers she climbed in and I followed in behind her, pulling her in as close as I could get her, warming her up.

Her skin had been so warm, flushed and pink the last time I had seen her before we – I had fallen asleep.

I rubbed at her shoulder gently, tracing circles on it. I loved her soft skin below my harsh dry hands, she seemed so delicate.

"What were you thinking about?" I tried; I didn't want her thinking she was ever alone. I had been alone for so long I never wanted her to feel like how I had.

She shrugged and I knew it was about _him_.

"Jake?" I asked carefully.

She nodded silently before sighing and beginning "I need to tell him, I just feel I can't just now, you know." I knew she didn't want to tell him at this time, he had been struggling and from what I had heard Bella speak of to the rest, the guy really did have it hard just now.

If it was me in his shoes, going through that _and_ losing Bella, I would be devastated. I don't think I would survive. But at the same time I wanted him gone. She was mine now and I hated the thought that he might think of her as his. She didn't belong to him anymore; she had given herself to me, body, soul and mind.

I wanted her to be mine but I also knew if she was still "seeing" him that she couldn't make us go public. It was the only reason I didn't push for her too hard to tell him. I didn't want anyone to know about our own little world. I didn't want to have to let anyone else in.

"I'm sorry…" she shook her head. "I shouldn't be saying this to you. It's not fair."

"Bella, if you need to talk about anything, you know you can come to me, right?" I hope she realized that I would always be here for her, just like she had been there for me. "It's me and you. This is how we do it, if we can't be honest with everyone else just yet, at least we can be honest with one another."

I reached down capturing her lips on mine and she didn't hesitate to kiss me back, her tongue slipping into my mouth first, seeming almost needy. I took all of her in, her taste, her soft lips against mine. I loved all of it. She broke away hesitantly.

"You know Edward, I care so much about you." she kissed me chastely once the lips. She cared for me, couldn't she see that I had fallen in love with her. "I…I don't want to ever let you go." If she couldn't say the words I wanted to hear I would take what she had given me.

"I won't ever be letting go of you." It was the truth, I would never be able to let go of her.

I pulled her in close and we fell asleep, lying tangled with one another until we had to part for the day ahead.

* * *

BPOV

It had been three weeks since my life had changed. I seen red, the day Edward spoke to Jessica as I had went to meet him to try to sort out the confusion surrounding Alice's suspicion.

Seeing _her_ stand there, and him talk back, it made me feel something I hadn't before. For the first time I was on the receiving end of how Edward must feel as I battled with my decision over him and Jake. And I hated it.

I knew then, that feeling, the gnawing in my gut, the shallow breaths of panic. That's what it felt when you thought your whole life was about to slip away from you.

Then I seen it, the fact that he had done it purposely, I could see it in his eyes, he wasn't interested, he was playing games.

I seen it the moment I looked into his eyes but the feeling of the possibility of losing him had already passed through me and I knew I couldn't lose him. I needed him just like he told me he needed me.

We made love that night. It was slow and perfect; his intense jade green eyes bore into mine as we connected with one another like never before. This wasn't just about some lust filled attraction there was more to it than that and the feeling of needing to separate myself from Jake grew and grew.

The lines between right and wrong blurred uncontrollably as tension between Edward and I grew to fever pitch.

Sharing the same bed and sharing longing moment for one another was a nightmare but perfect at the same time. I wanted to be with him again but the feeling of doing wrong to Jake was heavy on me, I tried to stop but the lines were crossed on a few occasions.

Right now I was on the phone to Jake. I still spoke to him almost everyday; he was busy with his dad so was never suspicious at my contact beginning to lag. He needed to speak to someone and Edward never pushed me on it, to stop it. He knew I was already his and calling Jake was simply a formality and reassurance that my friend was ok, that he was coping with all that was on his plate.

Jake had it hard. There was no doubt about it. Billy had been home for a week now and needed to be cared for by Jake. Charlie stopped by a lot trying to help him out. His sisters were there too sometimes but they had jobs and one was having a baby. She couldn't help her dad out like the others could. So mostly it was Jake and Billy, Jake trying to get caught up with school work whenever he could.

"…he's doing better; he's wheeling himself around a lot more now. Like all the time." Jake explained as I sat on top of my bed, ready for bed.

"That's good. You know you will be fine with school, you will be able to get back and caught up properly, soon." I tried to cheer him up.

He sounded exhausted on the phone and I could hear him yawn out every few minutes.

Edward walked into the room and I turned around at him, giving him a small smile as he set about looking through a pile of books on the floor and I turned back.

"Yeh, hopefully." Jake spoke. "You know I really need to go to bed."

"Ok, I'll speak to you later." I promised.

"I love you." he told me.

"I love you too." I replied back automatically. I hadn't even thought about the words I said.

Not until I heard the loud thud on the floor.

I heard the books fall behind me and knew instantly what I had done. I should never have said those words in front of Edward. Ever.

Closing the phone, I turned to look at him, his face scowling at me. I swallowed hard at the guilt I felt.

"Edward…" I tried to begin.

How did I explain this one? How did I explain that I still loved Jake but that I didn't love him like I loved Edward? But I had never told Edward I loved him. I had never explained to him that he was the one I was _in_ love with. I had said it a million other ways but never those words and he had never said it to me either.

"You told him you loved him?" he asked incredulously in a small whisper. My heart broke for him.

"I didn't mean it like that…" I tried to explain. "You know it's you I picked." I fought.

"You said you loved him. Do you?" his tone was sharp but still a whisper.

"I…I … Of course I do, he's been my life for two years. You know I picked you." I could never lie to Edward. He knew that.

"But he doesn't." He argued back. "He thinks you are still together."

I reached for him, trying to sooth him; show him it was him that I loved. I couldn't say the words just now. They would be forced. I wanted to tell Edward I loved him when we were together for real.

He flinched away from my hand. "Don't touch me." he gritted out between his teeth.

"Edward, don't. Don't do this too me." I pleaded as I reached out grabbing hold of the front of his shirt.

"You love him." He spoke more to himself.

"Not like that, not anymore." He tried to fight my hand away but I gripped harder with the other.

I could see his inner demon trying to escape, him trying to hold onto his own soul. He was struggling with everything his body was feeling.

"Don't go away. Stay here." I begged him as he pushed at my shoulders trying to get me away from him.

I wouldn't give up. I could never give up on him.

"You think it's that easy." He spat. "Why did you have to say it?" he shouted and I thanked god Alice and Jasper were out for the night, that we were alone.

He continued to push me away but I fought against him, never letting go of his shirt. My body constantly being jerked back and forth as he tried to shake me off but I wouldn't give up.

"I want you!" I shouted back.

"So what is it, you want me but you love him?" His voice was aggressive.

"I'm not saying it, not just to please you. You know how I feel. I'm not giving you up." I wasn't going to tell him I loved him when he was like this. I wouldn't be bullied into telling him. I wanted to tell him when it felt right to me.

Pulling me into him he turned me around, pushing me into the wall. "How _do_ you feel about me?" he asked almost viciously in my ear.

"I care for you." I stuttered out in panic.

He scoffed.

"I need you." I promised.

He rolled his eyes.

"I know that when I wake up beside you that you make my day complete before its even began."

He looked down at the floor.

"I know that my life would be hell if I ever had to live it without you."

He took a deep breath in and exhaled his eyes still on the floor.

I reached for him, pulling his eyes to mine. "I know what I feel for you is something I have never felt for anyone else, that I feel scared when you go quiet, that I might lose you. I feel home when you hold me close, I feel that no matter what I do in life, as long as you're next to me I know I will survive, that I couldn't survive without you."

His eyes nervously blinked as he looked back down at the floor before he looked back up at me.

Instantly he held me in a searing kiss that shot right through me and knotted in my stomach.

His lips tasted sweet, his tongue rolled into my mouth, letting me consume even more of him.

My shoulders were pressed further into the wall before I felt my self shift up against it. Edward picked me up and wrapped my legs around him, the pressure of his body against my chest, against my lungs. I almost gasped for air, almost. I didn't feel the need for it as much as I felt the need for Edward.

He broke away and his breath drowned my lips, the warm moisture battering off of them like tiny waves. He was panting against me.

"Promise me that you won't leave me; promise me that it's me you pick." He mumbled against my mouth in desperation.

"I promise, you know you are all I want. I'll never leave you." it was honest and true. The words made my heart ache at the need for him to hear those words, that he still thought it was possible that he could still lose me.

I kissed him hard in desperation. I hade never kissed Jake as passionately before, then again Jake had never seemed as wanting of me. Edward consumed me, all of me and he did it with the same desperation I gave him.

I let my fingers grip through his hair, pulling his mouth fervently towards mine. I needed him right now and I could tell he needed me.

That blurred line was about to be crossed again. And I didn't care.

"I want you so bad, Bella." He whispered into my ear before his tongue traced the shell of my ear sending a shiver through me and causing me to grip even harder at him.

He rubbed himself against me, the feeling and the knowledge of him wanting me so badly would never tire on me.

"Have me." I encouraged on his lips as I searched for them to kiss again.

The next moment I felt myself gently bounce off the soft mattress of the bed we shared, the bed we made love in the few times we had consummated our relationship.

His body pressed me further down as he lay across me, making no effort to keep his weight off of me. He knew I liked the weight of him on me, it made him seem more real. That without it, it was just a dream.

His fingers slid into my bed shorts seeking me out. His touch of my body had never been questioned. After our first night of me showing him of how to touch me he never needed to be directed.

He liked to do his own thing sometimes but it was nothing but perfection. He said it was because he was meant for me, that we were synched together.

It seemed to be true enough. I only wished he could keep that thought in his mind. He only verbalized it when he was sure of himself and arrogant. Most of the time his anxiety and self doubt got in the way of the thought and I had to remind him.

I felt his hand run over my centre, teasing me.

A finger entering me, pleasing me.

I moaned out at the touch of his fingers, how he could control me with them.

I let out another content moan as he gently teased his thumb against my clit.

I was so glad the house was empty. I had to control my sounds on a few occasions with pillows.

"Edward…." I begged.

He knew what I wanted, that I wanted him.

He pulled desperately at my bottoms and me at his jeans before he entered me, hungry for the contact as much as I was.

"I'll only ever want you." he groaned into my ear as I felt him inside me.

"You don't get to have anyone else." I bit back. He was mine. No one else would ever get him now.

* * *

"Bella." He gasped out in a panic searching the covers for me.

"I'm right here, Edward." I hated how I had managed to install such great insecurity in him from running away from him. I wouldn't run away from him, not anymore but the panic had been in his voice and in his eyes almost every time we had been together and I had not been by his side when he woke up.

I had tried to explain that it wasn't him, that some times I just had to think.

Each time I was with him was heaven but hell would come crashing in at the thought of what I was doing to Jake.

After tonight I knew what I had to do.

Looking across at Edward in the dark I could see him shift under the covers wanting me to return to him. I knew he was looking across at me.

"I need to go home this weekend, I need to tell Jake." My head bowed in the dark at my own shame of everything I had done to him and he didn't know. It had been us two against the world for so long I felt like a traitor for turning my back on him and falling in love with Edward. I knew if he knew the truth it would be what he thought of me as well.

"Are you ready for that?" he asked. I could hear the panic in his voice; it wasn't at the prospects of ending things with Jake. I knew he wanted that more than anything, it was at the prospects of us telling the others about our relationship.

I got up from my seat in the corner and climbed below the covers with Edward.

Reaching his cheek with my hand I thumbed the apple lovingly. I adored this boy so much and all I wanted was for it to be easy and natural with us. For us to be public so I could show my affection to the world.

I kissed his lips chastely and swiftly trying to keep hold of my train of though, not to lose it with Edward again. He loved to distract me and avoid the talk of progressing our relationship and telling his family.

We had been public together a few times.

I couldn't forget the first time he kissed me so openly in broad daylight in the park. We skipped class one day and headed to where no one would know us. We strolled through the park, under the trees and he kissed me. He smiled taking my hand and we continued like that for an hour. Old couples smiled at us as he showed affection towards me.

"I'm ready for it. Are you?"

He shook his head gently and I could see the tiny speck of light disappear from his eyes as he closed them.

"But you have been doing so good." I encouraged.

He had been good. Alice was shocked daily by his trying. He was speaking a lot more now. He avoided any questioning about feelings but would speak about what was on the television and his thoughts on dinner and such.

Jasper and Emmett even went out one night to the bar and he went with them. He even had his one beer again since there had been no ill effects of it at New Year. Though I had learned he had lied and he had actually had two bottles before I caught him that night.

He had told me he didn't feel it was necessary to drink and did worry in case that there was any more bad side effects of it but that if he sat with the bottle in front of him he felt more normal.

I promised him he was never anything but normal to me. People were all different and this was who he was. I didn't want him any other way.

If I took one little piece of him away, he wouldn't be Edward. He wouldn't be the boy who I fell in love with. I took him in, all of him, the good and the bad, the same as he took me.

"I don't want to just yet…." He groaned slightly. He wasn't angry with me; he was just infuriated at himself for not being ready for the world to judge us.

"We don't have to, not yet not if you don't want too. I'll never force you into it, you know that right?" He nodded into my hand. He seemed like such a weary lost boy when he would talk about his progression. He couldn't see it himself but he was becoming so good around his family again.

"I…I just need to end things with him…." He knew I was talking about Jake. "I can't go on any longer than this. I can't keep tainting what we have."

He reached for my cheek, mirroring my actions.

"You need to do it. I don't want you going up there alone but I know I have to let you do it or…" he sighed.

"Its only you I want." I promised.

"I wish you would stop saying it like that." he grunted a little.

"What, don't you want me to want you."

"I want you to be honest." He knew I loved him, I had all but said it earlier. It was the words he needed to hear but I wasn't compromising them, those three words were the only thing that wasn't tainted in this mess. I would tell him when I had finished things officially.

"Its how you say it to me." I reminded him.

"It is only you I want." He huffed "I want you so much."

I giggled lightly, he had the same difficulty as me but he couldn't admit it. He couldn't say the words either. He knew what they meant.

"Don't laugh at me." he growled. He was in a huff, his mood was changing but I would still ever let go of him. Even when he was like this.

"I'm not laughing at you." I protested as I wrapped my arm around his waist and rested my head against his chest.

He pulled away, away from me and the contact.

"Hey, where are you going?" I sighed pulling myself into him again.

"I need you away from me." His mood had shifted so quickly but I wouldn't let it deter me, I wouldn't let it change me like it changed him.

"Oh shove off, I know you want me." It wasn't cocky, just sure. I leaned up and kissed him on the lips as he wriggled out of my touch but I wasn't letting him escape. His grey cloud had come over him and I knew that letting go of him would play on his mind even more, he would see it as I didn't want him.

It was a hard game of mind reading but I was learning the rules fast.

He wriggled some more.

"Edward…" I sighed gently, letting him know he should give up.

"What the fuck are you even doing anyway? Go back home to _him_." He spat but I knew he didn't mean it.

I could feel the pricks of tears in my eyes but I wouldn't let him see he was getting to me. He would love to play on it just now and berate himself constantly later for it. He was so good at tearing himself down after it; I wouldn't give him more reason to pick at his own mind.

He pushed at my shoulder like he did earlier but now I had no shirt to grab hold of.

"Just piss off Bella." He tried again.

I could have slapped him; I hated the dark tone in his voice. It made me question weather he really wanted rid of me or if it was just another attack, his brain changing into another person temporarily.

"Will you just be quiet and hold me." I told him off as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

I reached for his lips, kissing him again.

Taking his hand I looked into his eyes. "Please…" I placed it on my hip and held my hand over his for a few moments before he seemed to stop fighting against me though his scowl on his face showed me he had done anything but settle.

I reached for his cheek, gently stroking my thumb against his strong jaw line. He seemed so lost.

"I know your still in there, I'm not leaving you. Not ever, ok." I remembered the time he told me that he felt like he got trapped inside this other person and he could see out, well I wanted him to know I was still waiting on him, no matter how long it took or how horrible this other Edward could get. The only thing I reminded myself was that the boy I loved was still in there, trapped. I had to stay strong for him.

I could feel him relax somewhat, something in his mind knew I was staying by his side and that he should give up fighting against me for the time being. I knew it wouldn't be the last time I fought him like this though.

Eventually he tired and fell asleep. I watched him for a little while, finally his mind giving him time to rest.

My Edward wasn't seen for the rest of the night but I knew I would see him again soon. In the morning I hoped. If not, perhaps in a couple of days. I knew this is what it would be like with him everyday, not sure what you would be getting but the good stuff was _too good_. I couldn't let that go, even with all the crap he could throw at me.

Eventually I let my eyes close, and drifted of to sleep as I held onto him tight and his hand still resting on my hip.

* * *

When the morning came I could feel Edward shift out from below me turning off the alarm and kissing me on the cheek before he headed for the bathroom.

He would reset the alarm for me and leave me to rest a little longer. It was Friday and this term I had a lie in on a Friday mornings, only needing to be at my only class today for twelve.

I heard the usual morning rumble from around the house, Alice coming in to get a few of her things. She still had the majority of her belongings in the room in worry her parents would come round and rumble her sleeping arrangements with Jasper. Edward and I weren't the only ones that weren't entirely truthful to Esme and Carlisle.

I heard the door close behind them and found myself drifting off to sleep once again.

I woke a short time later.

Kisses were being peppered across my face. Soft and sweet.

I opened my eyes to see Edward pulling back from me with a soft smile on his face.

"Morning beautiful." He greeted me as leaned down once again capturing my lips.

"Morning." I yawned, covering my mouth. "What's with the surprise?" I asked.

Edward had class just now and should have been halfway across the city, not here next to me. But I wasn't complaining.

"I skipped class." He shrugged nonchalantly. "I wanted to say thank you." his voice turned a little more serious.

"What for?" I had no idea what he was talking about.

"For the middle of the night, for me being…being such a-"

I cut in. "Edward, you were fine." He was trying to apologise for his grey cloud in the middle of the night.

"No I wasn't. I was horrible. I know what I said. Thank you for staying with me…For not hitting me." he laughed lightly.

"I was tempted." I grinned up at him and he laughed a little more.

That wide open smile lit up his face and he looked breath taking, this was the Edward I wanted the world to see.

I reached for his hair, running my fingers through the soft strands.

"I wouldn't blame you." he still smiled as he lay down beside me wrapping his arms around me, the way he refused last night.

I looked at the clock, it was only nine. I still had a few hours until I had to be at my class.

"So any ideas of how to thank me properly?" I raised my eyebrow so he knew exactly what I was asking of him.

The flat _was_ empty.

"I have a few," he sniggered. "But they might corrupt you." I bit my lip stopping myself from laughing out loud. I was pretty sure that despite his lack of experience that he could still corrupt me.

Every time he touched me he seemed so wonton. I loved it.

He rolled me onto my back kissing me along my jaw line and down the column of my neck. I giggled like a school girl at the sensation. I didn't want him to ever stop.

He kissed lower and lower until he was stopped by my vest top. Grabbing hold of the hem he quickly peeled it off of me before he took my right nipple into his mouth, his tongue teasing me.

He shifted in between my legs, I could feel him hard, he wanted me and I wanted him.

I wrapped my legs tight around him as I blindly fought to find the hem of his t-shirt. Finding it I pulled it up over his head leaving him topless, the same as me.

He reached up and sighed into my hair, it made me only want him more.

He pulled away from me, looking into my eyes. I bit onto my lip and his finger reached out releasing it like he always did.

"Are you sure?" He asked me, he knew from the struggle I had last night that it was a battle I would continue to have with myself until I had separated from Jake officially.

But I had to have him. I needed Edward and right now I had to have him more than ever. He had came back to apologise for how he was last night and I wanted him to know his moods would never alter my feelings for him, that I would always love him.

We battled our tongues; we battled our hands in reach for one another's flesh below our clothes until finally we rocked in unison.

He held me so close and so tight. He was so loving.

We made love slowly and tender, our eyes looking straight into each other's. The passion fuelled us but last nights grey cloud had slowed him down. He wanted to show me exactly what I meant to him to stay with him the way I did. He told me so a million times as we rolled together.

He thanked me profusely until I quietened him with a reassuring kiss.

There was no thought for anyone else just now. This was about us and the fact we had got over another hurdle.

We climaxed together, stars shot across my vision and I crumpled into a heap, Edward keeping a tight hold of me all the time though.

It was perfect; it was the words we never said out aloud, it was what we were. _Love._

My eyes fluttered as I relaxed against Edward's chest as we talked to one another.

"I need to get in a shower; I can't go smelling of sex." I told him as he laughed hard.

"Maybe I should join you, I mean; I can't smell of sex either. That would have Alice asking a few questions." I laughed along with him.

I let my fingers graze across his chest knowing I should really move but having no desire to do so. I didn't want to ever leave this little bubble.

It was perfect.

I heard the front door close shut and jumped up, looking at Edward, him looking as surprised as I'm sure my face was. Who had arrived home early? Alice and Jasper were in class by now.

I began to panic as I heard a voice talk.

"Alice." Edward whispered. His breath, shallow in panic.

I nodded but the rest of me still frozen in fear.

Then another voice. I listened hard looking for the tone to match Jaspers. It didn't.

"Jake!" I whispered out in blind panic, my heart beat racing away a million beats a minute.

Edward quickly reached for his boxers and pulled them on before springing to the other side of the bed getting his t-shirt.

I looked for my vest and shorts but couldn't seem to find them in the covers.

Edward was only beginning to get his t-shirt on when the door swung open.

_Jacob._

I could see Edward's face fall into his hands and run them up through his hair.

_Time had run out, we were caught._

I sat there wide eyed and guilty as hell. I held on to the sheet, my nails digging into the material hoping this was all some kind of bad dream.

He looked down at me his eyes open just like mine. His whole face mirrored mine. You could see the tension build in his arms. His fist griping on to the door handle, trying to free some of the anger that no doubt swam through his veins.

I was regretful, I was ashamed, I was penitent.

But I wasn't sorry.

His eyes filled me with sorrow at everything that had happened, everything I had done, everything he was seeing.

But I wasn't sorry.

I could never try or ever would be sorry for _any_ part of it.

* * *

_**a/n: Ohhh mammy!! Who saw that one coming? Ok so we are back to where we started in the first chapter. Ok I know it should still be a couple more weeks to go but come on, who cares. They have been rumbled!!!! Lol.**_

_**Tell me what you think – oh and bonus! Quite a few of you want to see the spin off from this so I give you the prologue. Its also posted as a story all of its own so go add if you want to read it after this finishes – I think I have about another 7 chapters to go of this story – but don't quote me! This started of as a 20 chap story in my mind. Hmmm ok so I get carried away a bit. Shoot me! **_

**Baby Blues **

Prologue

BPOV

I rubbed at my face and then looked back at myself in the mirror. My heart was racing. What was I to do?

I chewed on my nail, the anxiety getting to me. You would think it would be something I was use to by now. Edward's surrounded me often enough and I handled it.

But this was something different. It was my anxiety and I knew I was going to have a whole new battle on my hands with his with this.

I looked down at the little plastic stick.

_Positive._

Positive

My legs gave way and I fell to the floor.

It was unexpected. It certainly hadn't been planned.

I hadn't even given s seconds thought to how it would effect me. My worry was Edward.

How would he handle this? His emotions still gave me whip lash. Even after all these years together.

He could break me with his cruel words in seconds. And that was over nothing. How was he going to react to his piece of news.

How was Edward supposed to handle a baby when he acted like on himself forty percent of the time?

I had to tell him, as much as I wanted to put it off, it would only make thins worse. I wanted to run and tell Alice or Rose but I knew I had to tell him first. His reaction would not be good if he ever found out he was second to hear the news.

"Bella, will you hurry the hell up." He rattled the bathroom door and I rolled my eyes at him.

"I'll just be a minute." I promised.

Reaching for the handle I knew what I had to do. It was bound to be emotional carnage but he had to know.

_He had to know. _

I was just worried what reaction I would get out of him today.

* * *

_**a/n: Ok I know this sounds a little cheesy – but you all know me – I hate cheese!! This will show you Edwards's life change from the comfort it is wit him and Bella. **_

_**There is bound to be more mood swings from him rather than Bella. How will they cope?**_

_**Please let me know what you think.**_


	33. Chapter 31

A/n: didn't want to leave you hanging too long so here it is. I did this all today!

_**Thank you all for your support on this story and the support you have given me for the sequel to this – many of you are already on board.**_

* * *

**Chapter 31**

**BPOV**

My breath stuttered in my lungs. I couldn't breath. Jake was standing right in front of me.

There was noting that could stop the hurt he must have felt now.

I bowed my head, away from his eyes as he looked down at me in silence.

"What the hell is going on here?" he asked, the whisper almost inaudible.

I swallowed hard, looking back up at him, my heart in my throat, bouncing rapidly.

I never answered him and Edward only stood still with his back to what was going on.

"I said what the hell is going on here?" He shouted this time, making me jump. I was scared.

"Are you naked?" he strode forward lunging at the covers that hid my nudity.

He pulled at them, trying to fight them out of my hand. He wanted to shame me. He knew I had nothing on below the surface. My face told him so.

"Leave her alone." Edward defended me, trying to block Jake away from me with his arm.

I still couldn't speak.

"You screw my girlfriend and you tell_ me_ to leave her alone." Jake spat as he moved into Edwards face.

"Hey guys, everythin…" Alice had walked into the room and the look on her face made my heart stop.

"Wha…What's going on?" she asked confused, her brow furrow forward.

"Your brother fucked my girlfriend." Jake confirmed loud and clear.

I closed my eyes begging to wake up from the nightmare.

"Alice, just go just now." Edward ordered.

"No!" she defied him staying rooted to the spot. "Edward, what's going on? You and Bella didn't…" you could hear she wanted him to deny it. Edward turned back around, the tension most likely becoming too much for him.

"Bella..?" her tone asking for me to tell her it wasn't true.

My head hung low. I couldn't take this.

"You selfish bitch." Jake spat at me as he came down into my face and grabbed at the covers once again.

I held on tight, this was enough I didn't need him to pull the covers away from me, not in front of Alice.

"I said leave her alone." Edward was quickly in front of me again. Shielding me.

"Bella..?" Alice's voice called again, still not believing.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could mumble out and I knew it could never be enough.

Jakes attention quickly shot to Edward. "So you think you can just go around screwing other guys girlfriends." He backed Edward up against the wall as he grabbed on to his t-shirt, his head bouncing off the concrete walls.

Alice screamed 'no' at the action, jumping forward.

I jumped up pulling the covers around me. "Jake, please stop." I begged, trying to get in front of him.

"You're defending him?" his hands released the t-shirt as he looked at me.

"Just don't hurt him, this isn't his fault." I pulled the covers tighter around me.

"And it's your fault?" he asked. I nodded yes. This was my entire fault.

"You said he didn't speak to you?" Alice added, disbelievingly.

"I know, I'm sorry." My eyes looked down to the floor.

"You bitch." She snapped as she came rushing towards me, taking me down onto the floor with her on top of me.

"Stop it Alice." Edward shouted as he pulled her off of me.

She fought against him but he wouldn't let her near me.

Tears began to pour from out my eyes at the realization of everything that was happening. I had tried to protect everyone and now the people I cared about were all hurting.

They hated me.

Alice settled when she realized fighting against Edward was never going to work.

"Both of you out." Edward ordered.

"You think you can tell me what to do?" Jake squared up to Edward once again this hand fisting.

I jumped back to my feet to step in between them.

"Back away Bella," Jake warned.

"No, you don't get to hurt him." I pleaded, reaching for him to see another way other than violence.

I cried. "Please Jake, don't hurt him."

I knew how strong Jake was. I didn't know if Edward would get out of this unscathed.

"Alice, out now." Edward called to her. He wouldn't want her to see this if Jake did try to pummel him.

"No." she shouted back.

"Alice…" he gritted out.

"Jake, give me a second. We can talk about this ok." I pleaded.

"You think I'm hanging around to talk?" he shouted in my face.

He pushed me out the way and I stumbled back down on to the mattress.

Jake's fist quickly met with Edwards face. I jumped up instantly, stopping him from getting in any more punches.

Edward had fallen back into the wall and slumped down. A small trickle of blood coming from his nose.

Alice pulled on Jake's arm, worried for her own brother.

He shook her off before walking backwards.

"I can't believe you did this to me." he hissed at me and walked through the bedroom door followed by a loud bang of the front door closing.

Alice looked towards me and Edward as I blotted the blood on his face with the covers that were wrapped around me.

"Alice." He struggled to breath, the wind knocked out of him. "Go just now, give me a few minutes."

"I don't think-" she began.

"Alice, just a few minutes, let Bella get some clothes on for Christ sake." He tried to shout but he never had the air in him to do so.

Alice quietly left the room leaving the two of us alone.

"I'm so sorry." I cried some more as I gently continued to wipe.

His hand rested on mine, stopping me.

"Everyone will know now." He confirmed and I gave a small nod.

"Alice will want to know everything." He sighed and I stood up, helping him to his feet.

"I need to talk to Jake." I mumbled. I had to talk to him; he needed to know what had happened. It was the least he deserved.

"Jake?" Edward questioned and I nodded.

"He needs to know what happened." I explained as I quickly reached for underwear out of the drawer.

"Just now?" he asked surprised.

"Yes. I need to explain." I picked up my dirty jeans off the floor and quickly placing them on.

"Don't go just now." He reached for my hand pulling me towards him.

I let my cheek rest against his t-shirt as he wrapped his arms around me.

"I need to go." Tears still blinded me.

"No, stay with me, don't go just yet. Alice is outside." He tried to reason.

"I know but I need to go to him." I argued back as I broke away putting on my shirt and reaching for my coat.

"Bella, don't leave me, not alone." I could hear the begging in his voice. I was stuck between a wall and a hard place.

_I had to explain to Jake_, it was what he deserved at the very least.

"I have too." I buttoned up my jacket.

"Bella..." He begged again and my heart broke.

"Edward, please don't make me choose, not like this." He reached for my hand.

"I love you." I stopped and the air left me. _He loved me._ I knew he did but here he was standing in front of me telling me, begging me.

I closed my eyes and more tears fell. I nodded at his words and pulled my hand away.

"I need to talk to Jake, I'm sorry."

I seen the heartbreak I had caused him as I left the room and putting on my vans.

I hated myself for getting in so deep. I did love him and I wanted to stay with him but I knew I had to do what was right at this very moment.

"Where the hell do you think your going?" Alice snapped as I entered the hall.

"I…I'm sorry you had to find out like this Alice-"

"Find out what?" she snapped again, looking at me then towards Edward who stood at the bedroom door.

"I need to talk to Jake. Maybe Edward can tell you?" I looked back at him but his eyes were on the floor. He couldn't look at me now and I couldn't blame him. I was leaving him out to dry.

"I want _you_ to tell me Bella, you were meant to be my friend."

I pushed past her, ignoring her words. I had to get to Jake.

I hated the whole thing, leaving Edward the way I was, I was feeding him to the lions.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled to the two of them as I walked out the door and headed towards my truck.

* * *

I drove solid the entire journey to LaPush. I didn't even know if Jake had headed home but I had to try, he would come here eventually.

My phone beeped and rang almost constantly as I drove.

It was everyone. Edward, Alice, Rose, Emmett and Jasper.

They must have known everything by now.

Pulling up outside Jakes I rattled on the door.

Billy answered and it was the first time I had seen him from when he was unconscious at the hospital.

"Billy." I sighed; I was surprised to see him.

"Not now Bella." He warned. Jake must have been back.

"Please, I need to talk to him." The tears filling my eyes again.

"Not just now-"

His words went on deaf ears because I pushed past him knowing Jake was here. I had to try and talk to him. Even if he shouted at me I needed to explain.

"Bella…" Billy called from the door as I ran in the direction of Jakes room.

Opening the door I found Jake in tears himself. The pain that I had caused him.

"Get out." He whispered as he wiped the tears away.

"No. I have to explain Jake. I can never tell you how sorry I am." I pulled up at the side of his bed and carefully sat down as he glared at me.

"Please…" I begged for him to let me explain.

"I know I haven't been there for you Bella, that my mind has been busy but did you really need to go to someone else, to go to him." I knew Jake had never liked Edward, he had never accepted him from the moment Edward came stomping in to my dorm room on my first day in Seattle.

"It wasn't like that…" I sighed. How could he ever understand?

"So, what? It was just a fuck thing?" I recoiled at his harsh tone and the fact that he thought that's what Edward was to me, some fuck.

I shook my head.

"So what is it Bella, please explain. I'm just dying to hear how I caught you naked with him this morning." His voice was full of hate and I couldn't blame him at all.

"I…I don't know. It just got so crazy." I tried to begin.

"It was a mistake." He jumped in. "Bella tell me it was a mistake and we will try to get through this." He rubbed at his eyes furiously and I crawled over the bed to him, he needed some kind of comfort.

"Jake, I'm so sorry-"

"Tell me it was a mistake, that you still love me and we will get through this." His eyes looked deep into mine and I knew that's all he wanted. He would try to forgive me if I still loved him.

"I still love you, I always will Jake. It's just different now." I tried my best to explain the change I felt.

"You still want me though Bella, right, you still want me?" he tried to kiss me and I pulled away from him.

He pushed forward again kissing me on the lips hard and desperate. He needed me to tell him it was a mistake but it wasn't. I had made love to Edward knowing exactly what I was doing.

It was time to admit it.

I pulled away from him shaking my head. "It wasn't a mistake."

"You fucked him on purpose?" he spat and I cringed away from him. "Was it just the once?" he asked,

I shook my head.

"How many times Bella?"

I shrugged. "A couple." It had been six times. I had counted every time we had been together.

"How many times?" he shouted. He knew I was lying.

"Six times." I caught my face in my hands and let the tears fall.

"How long has this been going on?" he stood up and I could feel the anger radiate from him.

I shrugged again not wanting to answer.

"How long Bella." He swiped at a picture frame with a picture of the two of us. When we were happy and when he was all I thought about. When he was the only plan in my world. Before Edward came.

The frame crashed down to the floor, the glass cracking.

"I don't know Jake." I really didn't know.

Was it when I first seen him, the time I cried into Edwards chest. The time we walked into the meadow together, the first time we kissed.

When did it start? It felt like Edward had consumed my world from the second we had met.

"Ok, easy question. When was the first time you screwed him?" his arms were crossed over, defending himself, protecting him from my words of truth.

I swallowed hard. "Three weeks ago." I croaked out.

He sighed loud. "Did anything happen before then?" He asked, his calmness scaring me.

"He kissed me." I told him.

"_He_ kissed you?" he clarified.

I nodded. "Then I kissed him back." I had to be honest. I couldn't let Edward take the fall for my actions.

"When?" he paced the floor and my nerves curled in my stomach.

I swallowed hard. "The night of Mike's funeral."

"This is when this all started?" he asked needing to know exactly.

I shook my head again. It was when he kissed me first but I knew things had been in both our heads for longer weather we had admitted it or not.

"The fire? Why were you in there? You were meant to be at the ball. Why were you with him?"

I shifted uncomfortably. "I was going with Edward, we were both kind of rail roaded into it but we fell out and I went back to my room and he went to his.

He looked at me suspiciously "What did you fall out about?" He asked curious.

"Jake…" I pleaded. He didn't need to know this.

"Tell me Bella." He pushed.

"He thought I was interested in Mike, we had been joking around and Edward didn't like it."

"He wanted you, Edward wanted you." he guessed and I nodded confirming.

"I didn't know he had feelings for me until then. I promise." And it was true. I thought Edward put up with me like he had told me he did for Alice's sake.

"Did you have feelings for him?"

I shrugged again. "I don't know, I guess I cared about him, after his attack I worried about him."

"From the first week of college?" he spat in shock.

"You wanted the truth." I reminded him. "I only worried about him, the same as I would do for anyone with his condition."

"You know what's wrong with him?" he asked surprised. He knew there was something wrong with him, he just didn't know what.

"Yes, that weekend I went to his parents he…he told me."

He never asked what was wrong with him. He didn't care to know.

"So now what? You go back to him and life is great, you forget all about me."

"Jake I still want you in my life, you're my best friend." It was the truth.

"You think you still get me in your life, after this? Are you kidding me?"

I stood up, reaching out for him.

He turned away from me. "Go Bella. I don't want to see you ever again."

"Jake…" I pleaded gripping hold of his t-shirt and leaning into his back. "Please…" I could feel more tears prickling in my eyes but I didn't deserve to shed them.

"Bella, go." He whispered out, his heart demolished.

"Jake. I never ever meant for you to get hurt in this. I didn't want you to find out like this." My breath stuttered as I held back the tears. "I really do still love you."

I reached forward kissing his shoulder as the tears began to fall from my eyes as I left his room. My last image of Jake was his back. It was all I deserved.

I walked past Billy in tears and apologised to him and for to Jake. I hoped that Billy would accept my words and pass them on to Jake; though to be honest I don't think he would have.

"Just tell him I'm sorry, that I never meant to hurt him like this."

He nodded mutely at me as he waited for me to leave.

I ran for my truck and sped all the way back to Forks. I now had to explain to Charlie what I had done to the boy he thought of as a son.

* * *

"Bells." Charlie's vice called out as he entered the house.

I lay out on the couch, on my front, crying into the cushion. The tears wracked my body ferociously and I couldn't seem to stop them.

"Bella." Charlie called as he rushed to my side, kneeling down beside me.

I couldn't speak.

"Shhhh." He tried to sooth me but I knew how hard he managed with emotion like this. I had broken Jakes heart but at the same time I had broken my own.

"What happened? I got a call form Billy and then I see you like this. What happened?" he asked again disbelieving what was happening.

"It was all my fault. I…I.." tried to get out the words.

"I cheated." I gasped, finally getting the truth out to the one person who had to love me. He had to love me but he also loved Jake and I hated the position I put him in. Jake and Billy was his family too.

"You what?" he looked at me not quite believing.

"I cheated on Jake." The words were out and they were very much real.

"When?" He asked confused.

"What time?" I cried more tears knowing exactly how wrong of me it was to do what I did but some how at the time I thought it was acceptable.

How could I have been so wrong? I had become one of those people. The type of person I had never dreamt of becoming a couple of months ago.

"Who, Bella?" Charlie's tone was still sweet and gentle. His hand stroked my back trying to soothe my tears.

"Edward, Alice's Brother."

"The guy Jake thinks is an ass?" he asked surprised.

"He's not dad. He just has it hard." Why was I trying to argue this one just now?

_Because I loved him and I would defend him until the end._

"What happened?" He asked gently.

"I don't know, it just kind of spun out of control and then Jake caught us this morning."

He let out a long deep sigh and I knew he was torn. "You know Bella; you're not the person I thought you were."

"I'm not even the person I thought I was." Tears fell from my eyes and sobbed uncontrollably. My head hurt so bad.

"Do you still love me?" I turned to him because I need to know he still thought of me as his, that I was still his daughter.

"Of course I do Bells." He reached forward and kissed my forehead. And I needed that. I needed that kiss from him. "You made a mistake, a pretty big one but it was a mistake."

I shook my head, telling him no. It wasn't a mistake. "I love him."

"I know, you and him were always meant to be. That boy adores you, he just needs time-"

"No. Not Jake. I love Edward. It wasn't a mistake. I love Edward."

He looked at me surprised. A moment passing as he took in my words "Does this boy want to be with you or is he just messing you around. You need to think abo-"

"He loves me too." I interrupted him. He needed to know the truth. "He told me."

Charlie nodded to himself taking in my words.

"I know what I did to Jake was unforgivable and I am sorry but I don't want him, not anymore. It's Edward."

He sighed as he shifted to sit down on the floor.

"Bella you have to think really hard about what you want."

"I want Edward." I confirmed stubbornly. "I love Jake; I'm just no in love with him, not anymore."

Charlie's face fell. He knew how Jake would be feeling right now and he knew it wouldn't be good.

"Bella, I don't know anything about Edward other than he led you astray."

"No don't blame him." I sobbed. "He didn't. It was me that did it to him."

"You led some city boy astray?" he asked disbelieving.

"Edward…he's different." I shrugged. How did I explain Edward to him when Jake had already got in there months ago and painted a bad picture of him.

"He's different?" he echoed my words and I felt like he was mocking me.

"He is." I argued back.

"Why did you keep it from Jake so long if you're so sure about him?" it was fair for him to ask. And I knew my answer was some what acceptable.

"I tried to tell him before I went back to college but then Billy was in hospital. He just didn't need it then."

He nodded accepting my answer.

"Are you going to try and talk to Jake again?" he asked.

I shook my head, no. "He doesn't want to see me ever again. I can't blame him at all." Though I really did want to try to talk to him again.

"And you're sure about this boy, Edward?"

"I love him. I want to be with him for the rest of my life." I held on strong to my words. I meant every one of them.

"You said that about Jake." He reminded me.

"It's different, so different." I closed my eyes and felt Edward and what he did to me.

He bowed his head and sighed. "Bella, you're a big girl now. You need to do what you think is right…" he shrugged. "if its Edward you want…"

I nodded knowing what he was saying. He was accepting my decision, as much as it pained him.

I reached up and hugged him. "Thank you." I whispered into his ear and kissed his cheek.

I stood up wiping the tears away from my face.

"Bella, you know… you know if you get it wrong, its ok. I won't think any less off you, you will still always be my little girl. Don't forget that."

I nodded and gave him a small smile for his words.

"I need to go back. I can't let Edward deal with this on his own."

"No one else knew?" he asked.

"No." I admitted with guilt. "Alice might never talk to me again." Again I could feel the tears build up at the friendships I would have destroyed.

He rose to his feet nodding. "Go and sort it out. I'll let you know how Jake is doing."

He knew I would want to know, even without asking. "Thank you."

I reached and hugged him close again. I felt like the little girl I used to be when he hugged me like this. He always held on so tight.

"I love you." I promised him with more small tears in my eyes and I leaned in again and kissed him once more.

"I love you too Bells."

"I need to go, I'll call you later."

He nodded and I quickly headed out the door and on my way to Seattle again.

I was going to be with Edward now.

* * *

I reached Seattle about eight at night. I was exhausted with all the tears I had shed and the driving I had done but I needed to fight this last battle.

Jake hadn't wanted to speak to me and Charlie had been surprisingly understanding. I knew it would work on him and also his friendship with Billy for a long time but he had my back when I needed him to have it most. He knew I needed to come back here and settle this. Staying in Forks would have been just too painful and I really needed to see Edward.

Pulling my keys out of my pocket I tried to turn them in the door.

It wouldn't turn.

Someone had put the deadbolt on.

I knocked hard looking for an answer. I never got one. I banged again knowing someone must be in.

Was Edward locking me out after I left him to Alice earlier? I couldn't blame him.

I banged hard on the solid wood door. "Edward." I called through it, shouting for him. I needed him.

There was no answer but I heard noise behind the door. "Edward." I banged my palm against it, the sting rising.

I needed to see him, see he was ok. I didn't like to go too long without seeing his face. It was the only real indicator of how he was actually feeling.

"Edward." I began to sob again. He told me he loved me. Why wouldn't he open up the door to me?

The tears began to slide down my cheeks again when the door opened.

_Alice._

"He doesn't want to see you." she yelped at me. She threw a black bag of clothes at me, most of them falling out into the hall. "And you don't live here anymore either."

"Alice, please." I begged. "I never meant for you to get hurt in all of this.

"You lied. You lied to me. You lied to my damn face. You were meant to be my best friend." Her eyes shone with the tears she refused to let fall.

"I'm sorry. Really I am please. Let me explain. Let me and Edward tell you what happened." Had he not tried to reason with her?

"You keep away from my brother. He doesn't need someone like you." She spat at me before she kicked the bag of clothing to the floor. "Take your shit with you too." She added.

I heard the door open behind me. I didn't even look. I didn't know who I would be facing. Emmett or Rose. I had lied to both of them as well.

I tried to push past her. "Edward." I called on him. I needed to see him, for him to help me explain.

"Get away. He said he doesn't wan to see you. Now fuck off."

"Edward." I tired to get past her again.

She pushed against me in a hissy fit of slapping and scratching, both of us tumbling to the floor.

"I said stay away from him." She yelled at me as we rolled on the floor, her pulling my hair.

I felt hands wrap around my waist trying to pull me away from her but Alice was relentless in her quest for pay back.

"Where am I to go?" I shouted as I tried to shield myself from her slaps the hands around my wait struggling to control me.

"Try a brothel." Alice spat.

I was yanked away and thrown into the corner.

"Alice, stop. You had your say." It was Rose. It was her that had helped pull me away from Alice.

"I need to talk to Edward." I begged Rosalie.

"Shhhhh." She was short and curt as she looked down at me before looking back at Alice.

"Go Alice, go think about what really went on before you start fights."

"You're taking her side?" she snapped.

"I'm on no ones side until I know the truth." She was short with her too. "Go inside Alice." She pointed my little vicious pixie back into her apartment, Alice slamming the door closed as she went.

I rubbed at my face feeling a small scratch on my face. It was the least I deserved and luck I didn't come out worse with the anger that had been in her.

Looking down to the floor I slumped forward on my knees and began to pick up my things.

The tears fell down my face at what had happened.

Alice really did hate me and not only that I was now homeless too and not even a glimpse of Edward to survive off of.

Rose knelt down beside me helping pick up my things.

"You can stay with us." She told me, a little warmer than what she had been.

"Thanks." Is all I could croak out.

She reached forward wiping a tear away from my face. She was being so nice but I knew she still didn't know what side of the fence to stand on.

Picking up my stuff I shuffled in behind Rose into her apartment.

"Are you sure Emmett wont mind?" I checked.

"Probably." She smiled softly at me. "If you can put up with him though you can stay."

I smiled back at her.

"I just wanted to see Edward." I sighed as I sat down at the breakfast bar.

"Coffee? Or something stronger?" She asked

"Do you have anything stronger?" I needed it.

She gave a light laugh as she lifted out a bottle of Vodka.

"That's more like it." I tired to joke.

"Edward isn't even in the apartment. He went home to his parents, that's where Emmett an Jasper are. There trying to talk to him. Alice…Alice is just hurt. She still doesn't know what went on."

"And you do?" I asked, I needed to know if Emmett had talked to her, if she knew how Edward was.

She shook her head, no. "But I do know Edward; he has a way of things… I just know that whatever went on it wasn't all your doing. Even if Alice wants to believe it."

She poured me a Vodka and lemonade out and I drank it down quick. She quirked an eyebrow at me and poured another. This one I went a little slower with.

"Will Alice ever forgive me?" I asked with some hope.

"I really don't know about that Bella." She sighed. "You were here first real friend…she caught you in bed with her brother." She shook her head not believing the scenario herself.

"I love him." I told her honestly.

"I know you do, to do what you did…the feelings must have been strong, I know that's not the kind of person you are."

I looked at the glass, half of it gone already.

Half full.

It's how my life felt not knowing how Edward was.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to fix this." I felt so deflated. "I just need to talk to Edward." I mumbled to myself.

"You want to tell me what happened."

I shrugged feeling weary. "It just happened."

"When did it start?" She asked as she settled on the seat beside me.

"I really don't know. I suppose he just took a hold of me since we met."

"Then all that time together with Alice and Japer alone?" I nodded; she seemed to understand how it grew.

"Then the fire, the way he stayed with me in the hospital." I let out a long sigh. It had been staring right in front of me the whole time. Why hadn't I seen it sooner? Why did it take this long?

"Have you been…I don't know, like a couple for long?"

"I tried to kid myself that it was Jake I wanted but something happened."

"New Year?" she guessed. It was her that I had spoken too when I was confused. It was her that helped me see what I wanted. What I truly wanted.

"I should have kept my mouth closed." She mumbled to herself.

"No! I'm glad you didn't. You let me see what I needed to see." This was not her fault.

The front door rattled and Emmett's booming voice called for Rose.

"In the kitchen sweetie." She gave me a tight smile as a warning that she was unsure what was about to come next.

She reached for my free hand squeezing it, reassuring me.

"What is she doing here?" he asked stunned.

"She needs a place to stay." She told him sharply.

He sighed, clearly not amused at me as his new flatmate.

"Emmett…" Rose warned him.

"Rosie go and see Edward, see what she has done to him." It was a punch to the gut; I never wanted Edward to suffer, as selfish as it was I would rather see them all suffer if it meant Edward was still strong.

"Is he ok?" I asked because it was the only thought that my mind would process.

"No." he told me frankly.

"You can go see him tomorrow." Rose told me, rubbing my back, trying to sooth my worry.

"No she can't." Emmett jumped in.

"Em, Edward is a big boy; he got himself into this just as much as Bella did. They need to speak."

Emmett grunted as he sat down across from me at the breakfast bar.

"I'll drive you." Rose added while glaring down Emmett.

I didn't want them to be fighting over me. This was the last thing I wanted, more heart ache.

"Bella," He begun. "You messed up my family-"

"Hey!" Rose jumped in.

"Wait, let me explain. Alice watched out for him constantly, her whole life and when she asked someone she thought she could trust to help her out, you lied to her. Alice is mad because he got close to _you_; he's mad because you left him alone earlier, after he put all his trust in you."

"He said that?" I jumped off my stool. I had to see him.

"Sit down Bella." He asked nicely so I did because I really did care for Emmett.

"Give him tonight, just let him fight it out on his own, his mood-"

"He needs someone to stay with him, I need to be-"

"Stop." Emmett demanded. "He's dealing with things like he used to, before you." it felt like a dig but I let him continue.

"He needs time without you, to think what he really wants. I know he must trust you implicitly to let you get as close as you did. But you did leave him when he needed you."

I swallowed hard. It was the truth.

"He said that you tried to get him to open up to us?" he looked at me to confirm.

I nodded. "I wanted to try and help you with him."

He nodded. "So you're the reason for the new Edward." He smiled a little at the though of his brother.

"I love you, all of you." I looked between Rose and Em. "And I'm in love with Edward."

Rose took hold of my hand and wiped at my face again, my tears making there comeback.

"I'm not going to lie to you Bella, he's hurting real bad right now." I bowed my head in shame at ever hurting Edward. "Give him some space. All he's had is you; he needs to think this through on his own, at least tonight. He needs to do this for himself. He will phone you if he wants to talk."

_Phone – of course. He tried to call earlier._

"He tried to call me on my way to Forks." I jumped up; happy he had tried to call me.

Emmett shook his head. "Bella, don't do it, wait for him. You might not like what comes out his mouth just now."

Edward was no doubt being swirled by the greyest cloud ever and I could do nothing to help him.

"Please…" he begged.

"Bella, listen to him, he has seen him. Give him the night. I swear I will take you over there first thing."

"Promise." I pleaded.

"I promise." She swore

"I'll even come. I'm on Edwards side here, I only want what's best for him and if its you, then fair enough." With that he reached over and squeezed my hand along with Rosalie's.

I would give him the night. I only hoped he would make it thought it.

* * *

_**a/n: ok ok ok! Don't kill me just yet – Edward POV of this day is on the way next. Man I worked my arse off like a maniac trying to do this today – and I had been out with friends too – I hated that I left you dangling.**_

_**Please please please – let me know what you think.**_

_**xx**_


	34. Chapter 32

_**a/n: I love you all so much I don't think you could imagine how grateful I am to you all. Your response to the past chapters has been astounding and so many different reactions. I love them all and have so much respect for everyone's opinion on the way things have been handled. I wanted to write something that made people think and you have all been doing that and telling me. I never expected the interest I have had – as of now when I write this I have had over 400 hits on my last chapter and its been 18 hours since I posted it. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for you all reading this.**_

_**I know your all dying for it that's why I battled with it since I woke up - Enjoy**_

* * *

**Chapter 32**

**EPOV**

I couldn't believe she had just walked out the door and left me here, standing with Alice. Did she not see I needed her, and she went chasing after her fucking boyfriend?

This was the way it was, the way it was always going to be.

She was never _ever_ going to pick me. It was him all along.

"Edward?" Alice snapped at me, looking for me to tell her everything.

Bella really had fucking sold me out on his one.

I rolled my eyes at her before I turned heading back into my room, Bella's room, our room.

"Edward, answer me right now." She demanded as she followed me through.

I wiped at my nose, blood still coming from it. _Fuck it hurt_.

He was right. Who was I to go around screwing his girlfriend? She obviously didn't want me.

I begged for her to stay. I told her I loved her and still she left me.

"Edward." Alice hissed again.

"Alice, please…" I let my face fall into my hands and raked my fingers through my hair. I wanted to pull it out.

I was just a game to Bella but I still loved her, I still wanted her.

"I want to know exactly what's been going on." Alice pushed at my shoulder and I stumbled back, not expecting it.

"Open your eyes. You seen what was going on." I shouted exasperated at my sister. Why did she really need to know this shit right now?

"You and Bella…" did she need me to spell it out for her.

"We were screwing, just like Jake said." I groaned and collapsed back on to the bed. I could still smell Bella on the sheets. All of an hour ago I had been inside her and she griped onto my shoulders as if she never wanted to let go.

I looked up at her silence. Alice was looking like a goldfish, her moth unsure of what to ask next.

"How long?" she asked.

"Long enough." I shrugged; she didn't need to know any of this. She was only pissed because she had been left out the loop, like I had begged Bella to keep quiet.

"I..I…She...she must have used you." Alice not believing I could have any part of this. I don't know what that said about me. What she really thought about me.

"Bella…" I laughed because it was funny. "She couldn't use me."

She _had_ used me but I had lay down and asked for it.

I reached for my phone out of my pocket. I needed to talk to her. I needed her to tell me she was coming back.

"Who are you calling?" Alice asked as it rang a few times.

I looked up at my sister and she knew who I was trying to talk to.

She snapped my phone from my hand closing it shut.

"Alice, give me my damn phone." I didn't want Bella to get Alice.

"No, you tell me what happened." She demanded.

"It's none of your business." Reaching for my jeans I pulled them on before I reached for my socks and trainers.

I had to get out of here. Alice would never leave me alone.

I wanted to hide out and be left alone.

I grabbed my phone out of her hand and found the keys to the Volvo.

"Edward, it was her wasn't it. The reason you don't talk to me anymore."

This is what it was to Alice. She saw Bella as a threat, that I didn't feel the need to lean on Alice like I did.

It wasn't a conscious decision, it just happened. Bella was…she was like my other half. That it was her job to listen and take all the crap she did. Alice had put up with it because I had stuck to her over the years, she was my twin and I felt a strange sense of loyalty to Alice because she _had _been the one to put up with crap.

I nodded looking down to the floor. "I love her." It was the truth.

Even if Bella didn't love me back I couldn't stop my feelings for her. Maybe Alice would sense I needed space until my mind could think clear again.

"You love her?" she asked not believing a word.

"Alice, I can't explain it, not just now. I need to go."

She latched on to my arm disagreeing, she wanted me to sit here and explain everything.

"NO." she shouted.

I shook her off my arm. "Alice leave me." a dark cloud was coming and I needed to be away from everyone for it.

Fighting to the front door I ran down the stairs escaping from Alice, leaving her with tears in her eyes at me walking away form her.

* * *

I didn't know where to go. Everything seemed to have a trace of Bella around it but if I was honest, it was what I wanted.

I drove to the park, under the trees where I took her that night I pulled her from the library after she had driven there drunk.

I leaned forward against the steering wheel, resting my forehead against it. It was cold and I only wore my t-shirt after I had run out the apartment so quick.

I looked down at my phone. Bella hadn't tried to call me back.

Where the hell was she? Had she chased him all the way home?

I looked out at the park, people wandering around with smiles on there faces. It wasn't that long ago that I had a smile on my face here. Holding onto Bella's hand, kissing her openly in public. I had loved it. We had been in our own little world the entire time.

Why the hell had she done this to me?

I gripped at the steering wheel wanting to tear it off.

My phone began to ring and I picked it up desperately needing to see if it was Bella.

It was Jasper and I thought about ignoring it but eventually I opened it, answering him.

"Jazz…" my voice was low and he no doubt could hear that I didn't want to speak.

"_Edward, what's going on?"_ Alice had obviously been quick off the mark to call him.

"Ask Alice." I sighed. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened but they were all going to find out. Jasper was the only one that wouldn't berate me for it.

"_Is it true? You were in bed with Bella?"_ Jasper was straight to the point.

"Yes." I sighed. I didn't know why I was sighing. I wasn't sighing when I was desperate for Bella this morning.

"_Jake caught you?"_ he asked checking.

"Jazz can we not do this just now." I really didn't want to talk about it this very second and definitely not over a mobile phone.

"_Where are you?"_ he asked carefully.

"Hiding form Alice." I shot back quickly and I heard him give a small laugh at the other end of the phone.

"_Wise idea, man. She is spitting."_ Like I didn't already know.

"_Will you talk to me?"_ he asked.

"Later." I promised. "But I'm not going back to the apartment." I didn't want to be there for another moment if Bella wasn't with me. That entire place was filled with longing looks and guarded touches. It was everything Bella and I had been. All we ever would be.

"_Are you going back to your mums?"_ He asked.

"Yeh, I better head there, no doubt Alice will be on the phone to them soon." Alice would have everyone on red alert. She was worse than any mother. I pitted any kids she would have.

"_Hate to break it to you but they know too."_ He let out across the phone knowing I needed to know. Of course Alice had already told them.

"Well I'll be driving there in a bit." I didn't know if I would be up to talking, or if I really even wanted to talk but I knew I would get no peace until someone had checked up on me, Jazz was the best option.

"_I'll drag Em too. He seems pissed. He said something about catching you two in bed before."_ Fuck, how cold I forget that. I hadn't been with Bella then but he would see it as I lie.

"Fine." I muttered because I knew Emmett would want to kick my arse until he knew the truth on that one.

I ended my phone call and looked back out at the evergreen trees. The only thing that seemed to stay the same through this whole mess.

I knew I had to go home soon. It would take an hour's drive and mum would no doubt be going mad with worry.

I just wanted Bella back.

My heart felt like a black hole with the way she had left me. She had promised me she was mine. Why didn't she just stay with me?

I smacked the wheel in frustration before shifting into reverse and heading for my parents.

I had them to face now.

* * *

An hour later I pulled up outside the house. I wanted to go back and hide under another rock but I knew I had to see her.

She was on the porch in her stalking bare feet. It was too cold for her to be out without shoes on but she had obviously rushed to see me when I pulled up.

Her face was full of worry and she didn't look as youthful as she usually did. She looked like she had been put through the ringer by her son.

I made my way to her and as soon as I did she crashed in to me wrapping her arms around me tightly.

It's what I needed. I needed Bella to do this for me but have my mother do it was helping too.

I couldn't believe it when _this _was my breaking point. My mind fighting with its self arguing that it should be Bella. But Bella wasn't here.

Tears streamed down my cheeks at her abandoning me and me having to seek comfort from someone else.

"Edward…" She whispered into me. She felt sorry for me.

I shook my head at her, I didn't want her to take on my pain and I knew she was doing that.

Pulling away she looked up to me and wiped at my face like I was still the little boy that would come running crying to when I hurt myself. But I hadn't been that boy in such a long time. I had pulled myself away form her when I was still an age to receive it and now here I was, eighteen and towering over her and still needing it.

The only time I could think I had been venerable around her was the past two visits to the hospital and even then I still held her back after I had settled.

How was I to settle after this?

My heart and life felt like it had been demolished.

"Come on, let's go inside." She clasped at my hand and pulled me along with her as she made her way to the living room.

"Sit." She gently demanded and I did what I was told.

Once I sat down I tried to wipe at my face. I felt like a baby. I must have been making a right spectacle of myself.

"I knew it would happen someday, and I knew it would hit you hard." What was she talking about? I looked at her waiting for her continue.

"Don't feel ashamed." She pulled my hands away from my face.

She was telling me not to feel ashamed of my feelings or the tears they caused.

"She left me." she already knew who I was talking about. Alice would have told her everything. _Fucking pixie._

"Are you sure she left you?" she asked.

Was she crazy – had Alice not told her that she had left hot on the heels of Jake.

"She…you were both caught out. You both did wrong but she had to think about his feelings too."

I looked at her confused. "What the fuck does it matter, he caught us. Why would she go after him unless she wanted him back?

"Edward it's called taking responsibility. And don't fucking swear at me."

I laughed gently as she cursed back at me. She was trying to get me to listen but she knew she couldn't pull me down any further or she wouldn't be able to control me. I would fight back and not listen and I could already feel myself on the edge, she was trying to keep me from going under. It was amazing I had stayed a float so long.

"Bella isn't the kind of girl to do this on purpose. She must have cared for you to do what she did. To be with you." I snorted.

"Well I think she cares." She told me flatly before she rolled her eyes at me. "What you both did was wrong; she is trying to fix it or at least control the damage."

"Trying to sweeten him up more like." I bit in.

"Maybe she is. I don't know. And neither do you." she was right. Bella had promised me she wouldn't leave me, was she only trying to sort though this mess. The point was though that she left me when I begged her not to.

That's what this was about. I asked for her to stay and she went after _him_.

"I told her I loved her and begged for her to stay. She didn't." I gasped needing air.

"Edward, calm down. You are getting too worked up, you will make yourself ill." I knew she was right and I stopped for a moment trying to concentrate on my breathing.

"Have you had anything to eat today?" she checked,

"I don't want anything." I couldn't think about eating. Not when I was in so much pain.

"You should have-"

"I told you I don't want anything." I shouted back, she jumped slightly startled my by tone.

She sat forward and clasped her hands thinking. "You need to go up stairs and rest." She broke her hands apart and placed one of them on my knee. "Bella will be back, you just need to wait until she dose before you think too much of this. I know it's almost impossible to not let your mind run away with thoughts but you need to try, not unless you want to put yourself into hospital."

I looked back at her, was this the advice I had come for? Why wasn't she telling me Bella was some tramp that I needed out of my life.

"Alice…" I began.

But she interrupted me. "Alice is hurt, you used to go to her but now you go to Bella, I understand that, Alice doesn't. As much as I love my daughter it's not healthy for her to look after you the way she does. She is your sister; she needs to act like one. Protective, fine. Aggressive, its not acceptable." She was sure of her words.

"There must have been a strong connection between you and Bella, be it the fire that caused it I don't know, but you leaned in to her and she accepted you, she accepted you enough that she put her relationship in jeopardy. It doesn't seem like Bella would be the person to just do that. She cares for you too. I seen it in the way she looks at you and the way she let you lean on her that day of the funeral. I seen it, I just didn't realize it went this deep. This far…"

"I love her." I admitted again in a whisper.

"I know you do. Give her time to get things sorted; she is only trying to take reasonability. You need to do the same thing and you all need to grow up."

I snorted again, who was she to tell me I was to grow up.

"I'm telling you, nothing good will come of this if you don't all take a look at your self's and see the mess you have made and the hurt you have cause. You need to ask how you caused it in the first place."

I looked at her not knowing the answer. Was I supposed to know?

She sighed. "Christ, I really didn't do a good enough job." Was that a dig at me or her? "Edward you were all lying and keeping secrets. Why didn't you tell us you felt like you could talk to her?"

I shrugged. "It would hurt Alice." It sounded more like a question.

"No, wrong answer, you kept yourself in a little bubble all your life and you pulled her in with you. I bet she tried to get you to talk to us."

I nodded; Bella always wanted me to speak with my family. My mother was always been so sharp at what she knew even though most of the time she never said it.

Mum let out a laugh at that one. "You wanted to stay in your little bubble because it was safe, you dragged her in with you because you weren't brave enough to grow a pair and own up to what was really going on." Christ she was giving me it today. "You cared about her but not enough to admit it."

"Yes I do." I argued. Who was she to tell me how much I cared about Bella.

I had been waiting on Bella, it wasn't just me.

"You both needed to admit to it as soon as you knew what was going on. I don't know what Bella was thinking through this but I do know that you would have kept her quiet on it, you would have pushed for it to remain a secret, not even a romantic relationship but any kind of friendship." She was right again. Mothers really did know everything.

_Fuck me_

I looked at her suspiciously "I know how that mind of yours works more than you know." She told me while quirking an eyebrow. "The same as I know you were sharing a room with Bella because Alice was sharing with Jasper. I'm not stupid. I was a teenager myself. Am I right?"

I had to nod yes because she was spot on. Really how did she know this? I pitted her if she knew how Alice's mind worked.

"I knew that was Alice's plan all along as soon as I mentioned the apartment." She shrugged. "I think you should go for a lie down. You need some rest and Emmett is coming round in a while with Jasper. I told Alice she was to stay home. You don't need her right now. She needs to calm down on this one. It's ridiculous. You should have heard her on the phone." She stood up wiping her hands down her trousers as if she had taken care of business.

"I'll make you some food-"

I gasped about to argue.

"And you will eat it." She told me firmly.

I nodded solemnly, I wasn't about to argue with her. She was on my side. _I think._

I made my way slowly up the stairs to my room. It was going to be filled with thoughts of Bella too; I couldn't seem to escape her. She had touched everything in my life. Even my bed.

_Especially my bed._

I didn't know if I felt any better after talking to my mother or not. She was telling me to wait, to wait for Bella. She believed she was righting her wrongs. Weather that was righting her wrongs to stay with Jake or to come back to me, it was yet to be seen.

I collapsed down on my bed and the first memory that came to me was our last night together on this bed. Me touching her, my hand in her warmth.

The thought of it made me go hard and it wasn't really what I needed to be thinking about right now.

She had let me touch her and now she had pulled herself so far away I didn't even know where the hell she was.

I let my head rest on the pillow, my mind never seeming to stop. It only thought about one thing.

_Bella_

_Bella _

_Bella_

My eyes began to flutter closed. I was exhausted. It had taken it out of me.

My mum fluttered in leaving food and a drink before telling me to get some of it eaten and stroking my cheek. She let me rest though and left it sitting on my bedside drawers.

I had screwed her over major as the child from hell and here she was, still by my side. She was a damn saint.

I didn't know how I ever thought it was possible to live with out them, my family. Even Alice, as much as she gave me a sore head all she did was try to look out for me.

I knew the issue she was going to have as soon as she asked me earlier. She thought that Bella had come in taken her place. But my mum was right, she was my sister, she had gripped on to tight trying to be the mother and now she was jealous.

I knew I had caused it being so dependant on her from a young age but I felt she was all I had. We had shared a womb together, she had been with me from the very beginning but now I had not only messed myself up I had messed up Alice.

I eventually fell asleep, my body getting the rest I needed.

* * *

I had been dreaming of Bella when I felt it. Emmett shaking me awake.

He stood above me with his arms folded, he looked menacing but I knew he couldn't hurt a fly, and more importantly, mum would kill him if he started a fight.

Jasper was by his side with his arms folded too. I laughed at the pair, the only real relief I had felt all day.

"What the hell is this?" I asked, trying to wake up. "An intervention?"

"What the hell has been going on?" Emmett asked, no humour at all. I was instantly weight down by him and his presence. It wasn't how I usually felt around him.

I sat up shifting on my bed as Japer sat down on the bed and slid along, resting his back against the wall, waiting for me to begin.

"Alice not told you?" I asked surprised.

"Yeh but I want to hear it from you, all of it, the truth." Emmett grunted

I swallowed hard. He looked pissed. Jasper was just waiting to hear my side; He looked pissed as well, no doubt at the fact I hadn't taken heed to his words of keeping back from Bella.

I sat forward and sighed. "I didn't lie to you." I knew he would be thinking it. "That morning you found her in my bed she had been upset, I _had_ kissed her the night before but she ignored it, she only stayed in my bed because she really was scared to sleep alone." I looked down at the duvet. Emmett's glare was intense but he was listening.

"So what happened after that?" he asked.

I shrugged. "She came back the next night and kissed me. Once she came back to help with the apartment things just got intense."

"So you had already been with her when I warned you off her?" Jasper asked a little surprised.

"Not like how it was today." I shrugged. "We hadn't done that," they must have known I was meaning I hadn't slept with her.

I thought about the way we had kissed, the time on the floor in the apartment, me pushing against her when she was unsure. I thought I had been pushing her into the right decision. Had I bullied her into it, had my mind got that confused?

But her kiss, it told me everything. She needed me as much has I needed her. I was sure.

I closed my eyes and thought hard.

"I had kissed her, she had kissed me. When she came home to the apartment….things changed."

"You slept with her?" Emmett muttered.

"No, it wasn't sex. It was sex…but now she was mine." She _was_ mine. She told me that. She was only with Jake because she struggled to tell him when his dad was ill.

She told me she was going to break up with him this weekend. She was going to drive home and tell him tomorrow but he caught us.

"Edward…" Jasper began, sounding weary at my answer. He didn't believe me.

"Don't give me that, I know what I'm saying. She told me she was going to finish with Jake; she was supposed to do it tomorrow. She promised." I could feel myself become upset. "She said she wouldn't leave me." I muttered to myself but they would have heard.

Was she really going to tell him like she told me or was there another reason going to come up?

I struggled for air again. I felt sick.

Was she leading me on, was she ever really going to tell him.

She promised me, she stood by me, wrapped her arms around me.

I didn't know what to believe, her words or my insecurities.

"Do you know where she is?" I quickly looked from one to the other. Both shaking there heads no.

She still hadn't called me. If it was me she picked why hadn't she call me back.

The bile rose in my gut and I ran to the bathroom throwing up nothing but the traces of enzymes that lined my stomach.

I lay back on the tile for a moment before I got up and brushed my teeth, the whole time fighting against the feeling of needing to do it again.

Eventually I made it back to my room.

"Ed, this isn't right. You can't let the worry effect you like this, you can't depend on someone so much to stick by your side constantly easing your fears that they will always be there." I knew it was true but my mind wouldn't allow me to process my thoughts as rationally. Maybe I had to have it given to me constantly, the reassurance.

_Maybe I needed to stand on my own two feet. _

If Bella did come back was I going to do to her what I did to Alice? Was I going to mess with her mind too much too.

"What did she say to you before she left?" Jasper asked calmly. He seemed to sooth me, somewhat. He always had that effect on people though. It wasn't just me but it was definitely appreciated right now.

I though hard about what she had said. "She told me she had to talk to Jake." It was all she could say. "I begged her not to go and she told me not to make her choose." What did she mean buy that?

"You know she would have to talk to Jake, she couldn't just let him go." Emmett tried to reason.

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "You do know though that there is a chance she won't come back to you."

"She said it was me." I argued.

"And I really hope it is, she has done something to you, she's woke you up."

I sniggered. "She told me we couldn't be together unless I tried with you lot, that I had to open up to you."

"She's good. I'll give her that." he mumbled. "But you need to be prepared; you need to think about what you will do if she doesn't want you, that she wants Jake"

"I wont survive." I was sure of it.

"Edward don't say things like that, it's not fair to any one, especially not Bella, don't put that on her."

He thought I was talking about ending it, offing with myself but I was talking about the damage it would do to me. I might be here but I wouldn't even a speck of the old crap me. I had seen too much from her to even attempt to be that person again. That took work. Without Bella I just _couldn't _work. Not anymore.

"I still can't believe things were going on when I told you to stay way from her. Why didn't you tell me?" Jasper asked.

"You would have told me the same thing, to stay away form her." I was exasperated with this.

"You should have told me what was happening, I thought we were friends. It's that shit you need to tell us about." Emmett nodded agreeing with Jazz.

I closed up, I couldn't go to them, they never gave me time to speak. They were always on top of me.

I fought against the frustration. "Bella was the only one that would listen to me. This is how this started." I shouted.

I didn't know what I was doing or if I was ever going to get my point across.

"You are always fucking on top of me, you don't let me speak, you don't let me get the shit out when I need to, Bella does. She listened to every fucking word that you wouldn't."

I pointed to Emmett. "You are straight onto me when I make a screw up; you give me no time to fix it. I know the shit that comes out of my mouth and I hate it. You slap me up the back of the head like some misbehaving puppy. Alice dances all around me but she never lets me speak. You all want me to be so fucking normal but you never give me a chance to be, to try to be."

Emmett looked shocked and hurt. I knew none of them would like the truth but it was all coming out now. I might as well go for it.

"Bella makes me normal, she doesn't let me get away with the shit I shouldn't but she doesn't tear me apart for my mistakes either."

"She gets it from me too, I give her shit daily. The whole fucking reason we were caught was because she had been so good to me the night before. I fought against her spouting shit in her ear that she didn't deserve but she held onto me knowing I really needed her then."

I was totally exposed now. They knew how we worked, what I got from her, what she gave me, what I was lacking form all of them.

_She loved me._

The voice in my head was screaming it at me but still sell doubt suffocated me.

I needed a clear line in this. I needed to know that Jake was gone for good before I would ever truly believe she loved me and was mine.

It wasn't that I didn't trust her, I didn't trust myself.

"I skipped class to thank her…and fuck we got carried away." I raked my hair furiously.

"We got caught." I spat, feeling like there wasn't enough air in my lungs.

"I don't even know where she is." The upset clear in my voice as it shook. All I wanted was to see Bella, for her to tell me she was still mine. I needed that as wrong and unhealthy as it sounded it was only one simple thing I needed.

"Dude…" Emmett gasped in shock. "You need to get your own mind sorted before you can even be with her, if that's what she wants."

I nodded agreeing with him because I knew he was right. My whole life I thought I was dependant on no one but somewhere in my head I knew I had Alice if I really need someone and now I lived off of Bella.

She was the best thing for me, I was sure of it. I had just let it reach a whole other level never truly knowing if I was ever really going to get to have her.

This would have never of spun out of control like it had if it wasn't for the competition I had with Jake for her affections. I would have loved her all the same, there was no doubt in my mind about that, but the jealousy I had felt at Jake for her being his and also the jealousy I had felt that night of the fire when she had spoke to Mike.

It was all about competition and I knew that life with either one of them would be far easier for her than anything I could offer her.

"You should get some rest." Emmett began. "And think about what you want and what you need to do."

"I want Bella." I told him firmly.

He nodded again. "And I really do hope she wants you, but you need to be prepared. I don't say it to be mean. I say it cause I don't want to see your life fall apart over a girl."

"It's Bella." I told him as if it explained everything.

"I know. And she obviously has been good for you but she was just caught in bed with you by her boyfriend. You might find she needs to think some things over too."

Why was he trying to put doubt in my head? _Bella would be back._

_Wouldn't she?_

_

* * *

_

_**a/n: Edwards head is more than a little all over the place here – and its meant to be – the poor boy doesn't know weather he's coming or going just now.**_

_**Ok so I'm like dying after this; I think I need a couple of days to chill before I post again. I'm done in. I really wouldn't have actually survived this chapter if it wasn't for my little music breaks – the main song that kept this going was 'Skinny love' by Bon Iver. Go listen I think its pretty good EPOV from this chapter.**_

_**Ohh and please review!! I need all the inspiration I can get I am sooo zapped! **_


	35. Chapter 33

_**a/n: Yeh I know what I said but I drank way too much coffee yesterday and i was rattling for hours – I had to do something!! Enjoy**_

* * *

**Chapter 33**

**BPOV**

It was the back of five and I still wasn't sleeping. I needed to see Edward; the feeling in my gut was screaming at me to ignore Emmett and go over to see him. I was desperate too. But out of the respect I needed to show his family I would sit on my hands.

Alice was pissed beyond belief, I had never expected that reaction from her and I wasn't right sure how the others would react around me, never mind Edward.

But I needed to see him.

I climbed into the shower, creating as much noise as humanly possible in the hope I would wake the others and maybe head around there early.

My plan worked and with Emmett muttering threats of duck taping me to the couch, we were on our way and I felt my heart leap into my throat once again.

I could have cried sitting in the back, frustration getting to me. I wanted to crash into Emmett's seat and put my foot down. He was going fast but not fast enough, though I really don't think the jeep could have moved along any quicker.

It was almost seven by the time we pulled up outside the house and my nerves were getting to me.

Emmett gave me little to go by except he knew Edward wanted to see me. He seemed scared of the ground he walked on. I didn't know if it was Edward he was worried about or if it was the thought that I was going to hurt him. I didn't want to think too much about it to be honest.

"Mum." Emmett called out as we walked in the front door.

I looked around the foyer waiting to see Edward. I wouldn't be surprised if he was still sleeping. I just knew I couldn't, not without him.

Esme was at the top of the stairs in minutes in her dressing gown.

She rushed down he stairs but looked at me as if I wasn't real. What she must have thought of me.

Rose rubbed my arm encouraging me forward. I was scared in case Esme hated me.

But after a moment she reached over to me and hugged me before she pulled back and smiled at me softly.

"Someone needs to see you." I nodded knowing how much I needed to see them too.

It was painful, all I wanted to do was run up to his room and jump into his arms. But I needed to wait, I needed to be asked or told. I wasn't deserving of running to him like I had. I didn't know if I had caused too much damage.

"Ed." Emmett called out louder than he had called his mother. "Someone is here to see you."

I looked at Emmett in surprise and felt myself go red with embarrassment. Was he that sure Edward wanted to see me, that he thought he would come to me?

Before I knew it I heard footsteps thundering down from the top of the house and then around the corner at the top of the first flight of stairs. He paused for a brief second, maybe doubt, before he continued down the last flight of stairs.

He rushed up to me, my face crashing into his chest as he cupped the back of my head and rested his other hand on my lower back. The impact of his speed sent us back into the wall but I felt nothing but my bottom hit off it as his hands protected me from contact.

I tried to look up at him but he kissed down on the top of my head before he pulled me into him even tighter.

He surrounded me, completed me and I knew there was no doubt in my mind that I was for him.

He gasped my name into my hair as he kissed me again and again, moving his face into my hair. He called my name a few more times but I felt no shame at the boy who held onto me, not even with his mother standing right behind him.

He eventually pulled away and I could see his face properly. He was tired, dark purple marks below his eyes from lack of sleep and a small bruise from where Jake had hit him.

"You look tired." I reached up to his face, letting my thumb rub gently against his cheek.

He shook it off, ignoring my concerns.

His lips came crashing into mine and I could kiss him. I could do it and not feel guilty for the love I showed him, I could do it in front of others and not be concerned about getting caught.

It felt like I was free.

A cough from Emmett broke our spell and we were suddenly back in the real world once again with the music to face.

Edward kissed the top of my head once more before taking hold of my hand and turning around to face them.

Turning around Carlisle had appeared to have joined us too. His hair was damp.

Esme looked pleased, Rose smiled wildly at me and Emmett looked a little concerned as did Carlisle.

"So…" Carlisle began. "I think you two need some time alone but we _do_ need to talk." He directed his look at Edward.

"I hope you will join us for that chat later Bella. You're clearly a lot more of an important roll in Edwards's life than we ever thought." I gripped onto Edward side wanting to hide. I wanted to be there for Edward, of course I did but I worried that I might not be the most popular person there.

I nodded agreeing. "Of course I will." I smiled too but only because Edwards grip on my hand tightened. He wanted me there with him.

"Anyone for coffee?" Esme asked casually, as if nothing had happened or was out of place.

"I know I need it, someone kept rattling around the apartment last night." Emmett joked as he fake glared at me.

I had done my best to be a nuisance in the hope I would be where I needed to be, where I was, in Edwards arms.

"I'll take one too." Rosalie practically sang, no doubt happy at the outcome too.

"Not for us. We…we need to…" he gestured to the roof and the rest nodded knowing we needed more than a moment.

Edward dragged me up the two flights of stairs and straight into his room before slamming the door closed and pressing me up against it.

He held tight onto my waist, pressing himself into me, resting his forehead against mine. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.

I reached for his hair, running my hands thought the bronze mess.

_I was his and he was mine._

He had yet to kiss me again, his green intense eyes were too busy taking me all in.

"Your really here?" he asked disbelieving.

I bit my lip and nodded. Where else could I be.

He traced the scratch on my face, looking at me suspiciously. "Did he do that?" he asked with an edge to his voice.

"Shhh, calm down." I tried to sooth him, as I shook my head. "Alice kinda came at me again. I can't really blame her." I shook it off as I heard a low feral growl come from his chest.

"Easy." I warned. We had hurt people, we didn't have a right to judge them on there feelings. Alice was hurt; I understood that, this was her way of dealing with it. I was sure she would calm down eventually. I hoped.

His lips leaned down kissing my cheek and the small scratch on my face before he moved onto my lips. He seemed as hungry for me as I was for him.

His tongue pushed into my mouth but I happily accepted it. It was all I could think about last night.

He trailed my lip before gently biting down on it and teasing me. His arrogant smile breaking out knowing the effect he must have had on me.

He pulled away before placing another small kiss on my lips and I closed my eyes taking in his touch.

"I love you." I breathed out against his mouth desperate for him to say the words back, like he had told me yesterday. I needed to hear them without guilt.

He was silent and I opened my eyes to find a different Edward. This one scowled down at me.

He stepped back hesitantly and fear built up in me. Where was he going? Didn't he know he wasn't to let go of me, we were free now, I never wanted him to be away from me ever again.

He walked back until is legs hit off the bed and threw himself out on top of it.

I rushed over to him immediately, jumping over him, blanketing him and reaching for his lips.

"Bella…" he sighed. I didn't like that tone. It wasn't a good tone.

He moved his head away from my mouth.

"I love you." I told him as if it told him everything. I hoped it did.

He nodded. "I told you that too and you walked away from me. You left me." he sat up and I fell away from him but fought to get close to him again, I wrapped my arms around his neck and straddled his thighs.

"I'm sorry." I gasped. I really was. I had to end things with Jake; it was the only way I could move forward with Edward. "I had to go."

"No, you didn't." he told me flatly. "I thought you had left me, you promised…"

"I never left you, I just had to do what was right." I was sure it was the right thing but putting any self doubt into his mind was the one thing I tried never to do.

"I called you and I never heard from you all day." His tone was broken and I reached for his lips in desperation while my grip tightened.

He fell back in to the soft bed and I weighed myself down around his neck. I pushed my lips on to his and he quickly gave up any fight and took mine.

Rolling me onto my back I felt him press himself into me, he wanted me still. I wrapped my legs tightly around him. I wasn't ever going to let him go. I pushed myself further into him pushing myself against the bed.

I kissed him hard, biting onto his lip, teasing him like he had teased me.

Another growl came from him and he sat up, pulling me with him, my teeth still holding on tight.

His hands shifted below the material of my t-shirt and I could feel his fingers digging in deep to my flesh. It was sore but I still needed more.

I squeezed my legs together and he grunted at my movement as he slapped his hands on the tops of my legs and pulled me in even closer to him.

His tongue twirled in my mouth. He tasted so good I didn't think I could ever get enough.

He broke away and I whispered the words again. "I love you."

I was desperate to hear them back. He had told me yesterday and I had wanted to stay with him but part of me felt like it was his bargaining chip. That if he said it I had to stay with him.

I wanted to hear it when I had righted my wrongs with Jacob and I was with no one else but Edward. I still had things to right with others but all that was truly important was right in front of me.

Jake had been dealt with. He was now officially in my past.

He stopped for a moment again at my words. He didn't seem to accept them.

"Do you really? Or are you saying that to make this easier." He was questioning me? My love for him? Did he not realize the only reason I went after Jake was so that I could be with him properly. I was his. I was Edwards.

"I'm yours. I'm staying, I'm never leaving you again and I love you." Every single word I meant with my heart and soul.

There was never anyone else for me. Jake had never even been meant for me.

He nodded taking in my words but he wasn't accepting them, I could see it in his eye.

"Edward…" I begged him; he had to take my words. He had too. My heart was breaking at the doubt in his eyes.

"I picked you." I reassured.

"Did you?" he asked me, he looked at me questioning me.

"Yes!" I shouted at him. He needed to get this into his head.

Before I knew it I was swiped off his knee and on the other side of the bed with Edward pacing in front of me. His anger was rising and I had seen that look in him before. It was the same look he had before he trashed his room.

I shifted onto my knees crawling forward to the edge of the bed reaching out for him.

I was trying to reel him in, in more ways than one.

"Edward, look at me." I reached out my hand willing for him to accept it.

He continued to pace, pulling at his hair furiously.

"Edward look at me now." I demanded with a shout.

His head snapped up at me in surprise. I wasn't letting him get away with pulling himself away from me. Not when I had waited so long to get back to him.

He only stood, he never moved. I sprinted to stand in front of him, letting my fingers rake the end on his hair on his nape of his neck.

"I love you." I told him and he sighed and looked back down. I tilted his head until he would look at me again. "I love you; I'm here in front of you begging for you to take me as yours. So tell me you love me too because I know you do. You're just being too damn stubborn for your own good. You know I had to fix the mess." He scoffed, his eyes darting away from me temporarily.

I sighed. "I had to clear up the mess I made, you helped me make it-"

"You're blaming me?" he jumped in.

"No. I'm not blaming you." I wasn't. "You saw the mess though. You couldn't expect me to come to you and leave it behind like that."

"So you ran off to him…"

"Fuck Edward. Stop it. I did something wrong and I tried to fix it."

"By running off to him? But he didn't want you did he?" he gritted.

"I told him it was you; it was you that I was in love with, that I was sorry for the pain I caused him. That you kissed me and I kissed you back, that we had made love six times. I told him what he didn't want to hear. He wanted us to get through it. He thought you were a mistake."

"Was I?" Why, when I was standing right in front of him begging him to take me was he doubting me? He knew I loved him.

"No. You were never _ever_ a mistake. You are the only right thing I have done in my entire life. I can't breathe without you and I can't sleep without you." I gripped onto his hand willing him to see. "I can't be without you." I could feel tears in my eyes but he wouldn't break me. His stubborn arse wouldn't do this to me. He needed to listen.

He stood there in silence as I pleaded with him. "Please just listen to me. You know its true stop being like this."

"When I asked you to stay with me you went after him, you chased him, checking he was ok, you left me with all the shit and Alice." His voice was loud and I knew he still couldn't accept my words. I had made a mistake. I hadn't explained to Edward why I had to go and he still couldn't see I had to step up to what I had done before I could move on with him.

"Edward, please… Yon need to forgive me, you have too…" I could feel the tears trying to escape but I wouldn't let them out. "It's like the story. I'm like Becky," I tried to get his mind to think back to the discussion we had about the story we had spoke about. The first time he really spoke to me, he must remember it. Alice said he could relate to Becky because he made mistakes like she did. She never meant to hurt anyone but she caused pain. Like her I had caused him pain but I never for a second wanted to cause him hurt. I made a mistake. I left him when he really needed me and I knew it was the one mistake I would never make again if he let me be with him.

"I made a mistake. I'm only human but I'm here and I'm sorry for the hurt but you have to forgive me. I love you. I thought I was doing what was right for you. For us. Please forgive me." I was begging him and I would have got down on my knees for him if he asked. Traitor tears made there way down my face and I hated myself for not being strong enough for him, for not being what he needed.

"Yeh well in the end she ends up with no one." He spat.

He shifted and looked away from me, his eyes brimming with distain and his own tears. Why couldn't he see what I would do for him?

I had let my double life go on for too long and now he couldn't believe me, he couldn't trust me. He was the only person who really knew me at all.

"Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you don't love me. Maybe I _was_ meant for Jake." I shrugged and began to walk past him. He was on the edge and he may have snapped but I needed something out of him, something more than the disbelief I was getting from him.

"NO!" He yelled. With a deep snarl coming from him as he yanked at my hand before I was harshly pressed up against the wall.

"You don't love me, you don't want me." I challenged him. He knew what I was saying was to get a reaction out of him. He was smart and he knew exactly what I was doing but he still couldn't seem to stop it from getting to him. He was being challenged on his thoughts and his feelings and he didn't like it.

"Yes I do." he bit back fiercely in my face.

"No. You. Don't." I argued back more tears falling and me trying desperately to stop them.

"You're a bitch." He was almost gone from me but I knew he was still in there. He needed to fight his way out. He needed to come back to me. He needed to see the truth, the truth he already knew but that his own self worth refused him to acknowledge so easily.

"Is that why you don't love me?" I asked.

I pushed him further not knowing if it was going to end badly or not, weather his room would end up trashed again or if he would find away to control the feelings in his veins.

"Stop it. Fucking stop it already. I love you. You know I do. You know I love you." heatedly he pushed me into the wall further, his lips on mine in desperation, giving me the love I had questioned him of. I felt it. I knew it was there. I had felt it from him every time he had kissed me but now he admitted it and he had came back to me.

He pulled at my legs hastily and I wrapped them around him, around my waist and I could feel him against me.

I pulled him in closer as he kissed down the collar of my neck and onto my collar bone.

The want I had for him was indescribable. The love and the passion I felt it those small kisses alone.

I bit down gently on his shoulder before he snapped it away from me with a hiss. He liked it.

He turned around, his hands cupping my backside and walked over to the bed before he placed me down and covered himself over me kissing me furiously.

"I love you." he murmured into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.

This was the boy that greeted at the front door earlier.

* * *

**EPOV**

She looked like an angel as she slept in my arms. We had both been exhausted but with my exhaustion and lack of food, I had let the beast out and began to lose control.

I wouldn't take Bella's words even though she was ramming them down my throat. Something in me just couldn't accept them.

She tried and she fought and she took me on. The full time she never faltered, even when she told me maybe she had got it wrong, that maybe it was Jake. I could see what she was doing.

Nothing else was stopping me in and she was too scared to try and hold me down anymore.

It made me feel sick that she would have been afraid at my actions. She had seen the damage I had done to my room before and I only prayed she knew I could never harm in her any way, not even the monster in me could do that to her.

Her perfect lips puckered and silently pleaded for me to kiss them. Swooping down to her mouth I gently kissed her trying my best not to wake her.

A small smile broke on her lips but her eyes still didn't open. "I love you." she told me again for the hundredth time since she had executed the monster.

"I love you." I whispered back down to her.

She giggled like a little girl and it made my heart explode. "I know you do." she told me a little cockily as she opened her eyes.

"Oh yeh, well, how much do I love you?" I pulled her further in to me.

"More than what's good for you." she laughed as she rested her hand on my cheek.

She was probably right but I didn't care. I loved her and she was mine. The world made sense again.

Her brown eyes sparkled with a new intensity and only now could I see the weight that she had carried around for so long. Her mind had been constantly confused but now it was clear now and so were her brown orbs.

"How are you feeling?" she asked carefully. She knew exactly why I had lost it. I hadn't managed any sleep at all last night and the nap I had the day before had not been restful, it had been filled with images of Bella, as great as it was, it hadn't gave my body what it needed. The small blissful sleep we had together after out heavy petting session was just what I needed, besides Bella that is.

"I feel perfect." I moved in closer rubbing my nose against her cheek.

"Ready for some food?" it was something else I had been lacking. My mothers sandwich had only got a couple of bites out of it and that's because she almost force fed me it after Emmett and Jasper left.

I nodded knowing I didn't want to move but that she would only worry more if I didn't eat. I felt invincible with her next to me. Food had nothing on her.

I also didn't want to go down the stairs. I had heard Alice and Jasper arrive a short time ago and the sight of the scratch on Bella's face infuriated me.

Alice had no right to go at her, especially not like that.

My sister had always been her own person but to act out in violence against the girl I loved, I couldn't tolerate it. I wouldn't tolerate it.

"Come on then Romeo." She joked as she pulled on my hand, pulling me off the bed behind her.

My body's automatic response was to follow her. There was no where else I wanted to be but by her side.

She walked ahead of me knowing exactly the direction we were headed for. I let my arms wrap around her waist and my chin rest on her shoulder as I walked behind her.

We heard the voices coming from the kitchen and her footing faltered; she hesitated at the sound of the little pixies voice.

I squeezed my arms around her tightly, reassuring her she was safe.

It was ironic that she was able to take me on, I was a good half a foot taller than her but my sister who was smaller than her, she was scared of. But then again I had never attacked Bella like she had. She was too fiery for her own good sometimes but Jasper seemed to be able to relax her. Of course, the one time his girlfriend does go after Bella he's nowhere near her, instead he was trying to console me.

"It's ok." I promised into her ear.

She bit down on her lip, her walking coming to a stand still. Spinning around in my arms she faced me, needing more reassurance.

I placed my hand at the base of her neck, her heart beating rapidly below the surface.

"Easy." I whispered into her ear like she had tried to calm me this morning.

I kissed her lips chastely easing her a little.

I pulled her into my side, protecting her from what she was scared off as I headed in the direction we had been walking in.

Walking in, the room change to a deathly silence and Bella gripped at my side harder.

I squeezed her shoulder and kissed her temple dragging her further into the room. She had no reason to hide. Alice was the one that owed her an apology.

"Were just getting food." I told the room but kept my eyes on my mothers.

"I'll make you something." She jumped up on her feet. She always wanted to be there for us, looking after us. No one could say we ever went without love.

"It's fine, she knows what I like?" I joked as if I was expecting Bella to make me food, I pulled on her shoulder teasing her and she let out a small laugh. I would happily be the one to run around after Bella for the rest of my days.

I heard a tut come from my sister.

"Something to say Alice?" I asked, glaring at my sister.

"No." she gave me flatly.

"What about an apology to my girlfriend for scratching her face?" She would apologise for it or else I wouldn't forgive her and her outburst.

Ok so I hadn't actually checked with Bella and what we were but she was mine. She told me that so I suppose she was my girlfriend now. She smiled up at me a little nervously and I could only smile back, the grin on my face was uncontrollable.

Alice stumbled on her words as she tried to discreetly check Bella's face out and her words came out no where near as vicious as she most likely planned. "Well she was someone else's girlfriend yesterday."

Bella recoiled below my arms once again.

"Yes, well she is my girlfriend now. And you still owe her an apology. Anyone else got anything to say on the matter?"

Everyone else just shook there head and approved, well… except Emmett, he quirked an eyebrow.

"Something to say Em?" I challenged.

He thought for a moment. "I have nothing against you two, Bella you know I love you like a sister, I really do." he began to struggle with his words. "I…I just worry. You know, you are too caught up in one another. All each of you wanted last night was the other and without each other, you got no sleep at all." He sounded a little deflated and a little worried.

"You drove me insane Bella…" he sighed deeply, he was actually concerned about us. "You banged your way around our apartment until you got your way."

"I wanted to see him." She tried to argue, a tiny knowing smile on her face. "I needed to see that he was ok." She explained before she looked back up at me.

"Wait? Why was she in your apartment?" I asked Emmett before eyeballing Alice.

"I kicked her out." She told me flatly as if Bella had meant nothing to her.

"You what?" I asked not believing. Bella was made homeless because of this.

"Edward," Bella placed a hand on my chest. "It doesn't matter. Keep calm ok." She was pleading with me and I was calm. I was pissed off but I was still calm.

"She is back in with me as soon as we leave hear." I ordered, this wasn't up for discussion, not until Alice grew up. "And she's still sharing with me." I added.

Alice glared at me as if I had let her secret out. "Oh piss off Alice, she already has your number marked, she knows you and Jazz have been shacking up in the same room." Mum knew everything.

Jaspers head fell. I didn't mean for this to affect him. "Sorry Jazz." I mumbled because I truly was.

"Yes, I do." Mum confirmed, and quite smugly too.

I sniggered at my mothers face, she had managed to keep my head relatively straight yesterday and she was still here next to me and she had been right about it all.

"Alice, you still haven't apologised." I reminded her.

"Oh come on, it was a silly little fight." She huffed.

"I had to pull you off her in the morning as well." I shouted a little louder than needed.

All eyes were one her.

"She was naked." She argued back.

"Wait, what?" Rose jumped in trying not to laugh. This was getting ridiculous.

"She was naked." Alice huffed again. "He… I don't even want to know, he got his arse covered and I seen them…the bed all messed up." She shivered in disgust at the thought of me and Bella being intimate.

Rose laughed, Emmett rolling his eyes at his girlfriend.

"So you have an issue because it's Bella or because you caught them at it?" Rose asked trying to make sense of the situation and Alice's anger. But I really could have done without the comments in front of my parents.

"Both." She fumed.

"So your jealous because Edward goes to Bella now?" they all seen it, my dad was just confirming it.

"No." Alice huffily protested. She wasn't doing a good enough job.

Jasper wrapped an arm around her, easing her and protecting her from the suspicious looks they all were giving her.

"She took advantage of him." I sniggered because as messed up and as complicated as things got Bella would have never purposely taken advantage of me. That wasn't the kind of person she was. We both got lost and confused.

"Edward and Bella got close when you spent time with Japer. How could you be mad at her for that?" My mum reasoned.

Alice thought hard about it. She was the reason we had spent so much time together.

"Alice your behaviour is childish, grow up and admit that you don't like the fact that Edward has someone else in his life other than you. Bella is good for him, we can see that as clear as day."

"She was meant to be my best friend." She argued back.

"Really Alice?" Rose added in rhetorically. "You can see that they are happy." she pointed at us and I pulled Bella in tighter showing her we really were.

"Yeh and I watched her run after her other boyfriend, the boyfriend she went out with yesterday." She sounded sad and I could see she was worried about me.

"I would never hurt Edward." Bella protested, I could see it the way she looked into my eyes she never would. "We're meant to be together. You don't know how different it feels." She gripped onto my hand tighter. "Alice, if your issues are that you are worried about what I will do to Edward, I will spend my whole life proving myself to you. If that's what it takes." She nodded knowing she really would do that for me.

"Bella…" I tried to stop her before she weighed herself down with crazy promises but she stopped me.

"Please Edward…" she spoke. "I love him, I know I messed up and I hurt you and I hurt Edward and that I hurt Jake, but you could never know how bad I felt keeping this from you. I had no one but Edward to talk to and I couldn't, not about Jake. That wouldn't be fair but I promise you I will never keep anything like that from you again. I promise all of you. I'm sorry"

My mum smiled softly at her and reached for her hand, cupping it in her own. "I know sweetie. You don't need to prove yourself. You already have done that."

She looked across the counter at my sister. "Alice you still have to apologise, you're being petty and I know your upset but this is too far. She is your best friend. She gives to you what she gives to Edward and if you're worried about competition, you're not the girl I raised." Alice looked down at her hands in Japers.

She looked sad and lost and a girl that had lost her best friend. _She didn't need to lose her._

She nodded her head before looking up at Bella. "I'm really sorry if I hurt you Bella, I didn't mean to scratch you. I just got a little crazy." She rolled her eyes at her own actions, she was embarrassed. "I'm glad if anyone is to be with Edward that it's you. I can see you care about him." She sighed. "Fuck knows how you can put up with him though." It was meant in jest and we all let out a small laugh.

_How the fuck did she put up with me?_

Bella turned around before I had even time to think about that one too much. "Because he's perfect and I love him." She smirked up at me. "And he's just so handsome..." She teased before my lips could reach hers to quieten her.

The room had gone quiet as she reached into kiss me but I was only too happy to show Bella off as mine and for her to openly kiss me. It had been hidden for so long and now we were finally together, properly, with my family's blessing.

My dad clearing his throat brought the attention back on him and I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist as I looked to him.

"I'm glad we have managed to fix some things out but the real issue need to be addressed here. Edward we still have to talk about you and what you have been doing and how you have been living, for years."

I nodded knowing what I had reviled and that I still had a long way to go until I felt comfortable as I should around my family. Bella was right, she couldn't be the only one I leaned on, I needed a better back up with my condition and with her by my side I was maybe yet to see even better days.

* * *

_**a/n: ok I really will be having a couple of days away this time – I have work, meeting friends and out at the weekend.**_

_**So what you think of the chapter then? There is still a little more to go but really not much at all – I think it may be two more chapters then the epilogue. I'll be so sad when it's over but I will have Baby Blues to move on to.**_


	36. Chapter 34

**a/n: thanks to all the reviewers and new readers – I cant believe the amount of adds I got for last chapter! **

* * *

**Chapter 34**

**BPOV**

Our hands sat on top of the large mahogany table in the dinging room, clasped together. Call it what you will, our united front, two halves of a whole, ying and yang. Me and Edward.

His pale skin seemed to shimmer with perfection below the crystal chandelier. It was snow white and not a flaw lay on him.

The look on his face showed that he was fed up; His family squabbled about who was right and who was wrong. What was right and what was wrong. That _I _was right and that _I_ was wrong.

I squeezed at the flesh between my fingers and his godly green eyes flickered in my direction. I smiled softly at him in an attempt to comfort him.

"Can we just…" Carlisle attempted from the top end of the table, still all that could be heard was the squawking from everyone else.

Edwards head rolled back resting against the tall back of the chair he sat on, his eyes closing. Giving up.

Could no one see what they were _still_ doing?

I could see it now, why he hid away for so long, for so many years. As much as his family loved and cared for him they never did what was right because they all though that _they_ were right.

They pushed and babbled above one another and interrupting each other constantly. Edward couldn't push like they did, he struggled to get his bit in never mind interrupt this chaos.

Stress showed on his face, his head filling with their words and their well rehearsed arguments.

He gripped on to my hand but not for reassurance, he was trying to expel his stress.

I heard him sigh. _No one else did._

His eyes opened and his eyes gazed there faces. He stopped at Carlisle's. He was looking for an in as well. He was like Edward, not his condition; he was just a little more sedate than the rest.

The grip got tighter on my hand and I held in the squeak that wanted out. That just wouldn't help the situation.

"HAS ANYONE LISTEIEND TO A DAMN WORD I HAVE SAID." Edward roared out and I almost fell off my seat with surprise.

Every head at the table snapped towards him, stunned into silence.

He leaned forward easing the grip on my hand. "You said I needed to talk, tell you how it is. This _is_ how it is." He looked around the table, giving accusing glares. "All. The. time."

He leaned his forearm along the table, looking down at the wood before he looked up to begin again. "You asked me to talk, I'm here to talk but no one is still wanting to listen-"

"We do wa-" Esme jumped in, Edward holding up a hand stopping her almost instantly.

He pulled at our joined hands, bringing it across his chest and pulling me in closer to his side, hiding his face into my hair. He was trying to gain some inner strength like the way I would help him, when I would hold him close and tight, letting him take what he needed.

I leaned in to his side, resting the side of my head against the front of his as the others watched. After a silent moment he pulled away from my hair and looked back out to his family. They were all there, even Rosalie and Jasper.

"I…I just need you to listen." He whispered out to them. He sounded tired and I knew he still needed more sleep than what we had got earlier.

They all sat there in silence, waiting.

"Bella…she listens." He smiled down at me, I smiled back encouraging him. "She gives me time, she seemed to know instantly that I couldn't get the words out in one go and I just need a little longer."

I let my thumb stroke his hand. He was doing well so far and his family were still listening.

He turned to Emmett. "I know what I said the last night was harsh, Emmett, but it is true. I spit out words…words..." he sighed struggling. He started again. "I-I don't say what I mean and I try to take it back sometime but you…you…jump on me."

Emmett's head bowed down knowing what he meant. I had seen it done dozens of times, sometimes in jest but mostly it was to try and snap him into line. Rose reached for Emmett, his eyes heavy.

"The day I told Bella about my condition you had done it to me and she jumped up to defend me and then I had a go at _her_."

"When did you tell her?" Alice asked carefully and curiously.

"Alice…" Esme chided her daughter for interrupting.

"It's ok." Edward shrugged. He looked nervously down at the table as he picked at the wood with his nail, Esme silently squirming at the damage to her expensive table.

Placing my free hand over his, he stopped and Esme relaxed with a small tight smile in my direction.

He looked back up at his sister. "The weekend we came here for mum's birthday. Something's had happened between us and I felt I was able to tell her…like I said, she listened."

"Something's?" she asked slightly suspiciously.

"Alice, were hear to talk about Edward, not there relationship." Carlisle spoke. "There are entitled to their privacy."

Alice nodded with an apologetic look on her face.

"We just _talked_." Edward confirmed just to ease any suspicion on how long this had been going on.

"Anyway…I was trying to get my mind to fix it, get something better out…correct myself…" He shrugged.

"But I slapped you and you stormed off..." Emmett looked as if he was ashamed of himself.

Edward only nodded as the room went silent.

"Bella, there was mention of Edward…being _mean_ to you too." Carlisle switherd on the word.

I shook my head.

"Bella, don't lie." Edward bit at me and slackened his grip on my hand.

"I'm not. I mean he does get a bit argumentative-" I began.

Edward interrupted. "I gave you absolute shit earlier. Don't lie."

"Wait, give me a second." I tried to hold him off; we needed to discuss this and just explain exactly what Edward felt. "Edward told me once that when he gets really bad that he still sees it, that he is stuck in there, he can't control it but he still has to watch it." I try my best to explain like he did to me. "I just know I have to stick with him, push the truth back into his head when he forgets it."

"When you say he can't control it..?" Was he really asking me if he was physically abusive?

Edward shook his head and broke our joined hands, hiding his face. He knew what he was asking too.

I reached into him, pulling him near me. I knew this conversation could cause upset with him but he had to try, he had to try harder.

"Your doing so good." I tried to reassure him in his ear. "Just a little bit more, ok." I kissed his shoulder but inside I was dying to take him out of this situation and hide away forever. His mind must have been in overdrive and he would be struggling to cope. I needed to make sure he stayed with us and that we never pushed him too far, that we didn't push him under his grey cloud.

He had to learn and he had to try and change but it didn't mean I would like to see the pain it caused him.

"Edward would never hurt me." I told them all loud and clear. It was the only thing I could be sure of from Edward. I couldn't predict how he would react, when his moods would come and when they would go or how sever they would get but I always knew no matter how bad they got, he was still Edward and that he could never raise a hand to me.

Carlisle nodded, knowing not to push further on this subject.

Edwards leg shook under the table, his anxiety peaking. I placed my hand on it trying to still him. He was determined to work through this, he didn't want to be the black sheep of the family any longer but I did worry about what it was doing to him.

"How do you put up with him, I know Alice was joking earlier but…how do you manage it?" Jasper asked.

I squeezed Edwards's knee and was taken aback by Jaspers honesty. "I don't _put up_ with him; I'm in love with him. This is who he is and yes…sometimes it's hard-"

"She loves me." Edward jumped in. "I don't know why she does, but she does and when I fight her back…give her hell she holds on tighter and reassures me more."

"You know she can't constantly reassure you like that forever." Emmett spoke. "She can't be by you're side _all_ the time and there will be times she has to go home…see her family"

I try not to let the worry of that one show. I would have to go home soon and I'm not Charlie's only family. And I hoped I would be able to go there without it playing on Edwards mind.

I knew soon enough I would take Edward to meet Charlie, take him to Forks and show him where I grew up but until that happened I needed to return at some point soon, myself and smooth things over with my dad.

We both sat there quiet – we really hadn't thought about everyone else in our future too much.

"I'll have to learn to cope. I trust her. That's not - _usually_ - a doubt in my head. How we got together was wrong but I pushed at her too, I knew it was wrong but it didn't stop me and I'm glad it never." Edward was sure of what he said, he didn't stumble.

The rest only seemed to nod at the conviction in his voice.

"We will learn to handle these things when they come up, like everyone else does. It's not that alien. He has bad days and good days and when he has a bad day I try to be there for him a little bit more." I added. I needed them to know I was there for him, for the long haul.

"But you know it's not as simple as that." Emmett added. The guy only showed genuine concern for his brothers' wellbeing despite getting it so wrong for so long. Listening to him speaking along with the painful night he kept me from Edward, was for us, for Edward not to depend on me so much, to be so reliant like he had been. He wanted Edward to be stronger and I knew in time with help form his family he would be.

"I know. I know I can't do it all by myself but this is why Edward is trying. He loves you all so much."

Edward seemed to ball up slightly at my words of honesty. He didn't want to seem as needing of them as he really was.

"He doesn't like this life, he misses you-" I tried to say the words he couldn't get out – the ones he tried not to speak of.

"Bella…" he tried to stop me, his voice cracking.

"Edward you need to tell them the truth. Start now." I demand.

He sighed. "She is right; I excluded myself because I felt I didn't fit in. Alice twirls around in circles all day around me not even noticing I'm trying to speak." Alice flinched.

"I don't mean it in a bad way, its just who you are, I love who you are…It's just not who I am. You just need to remember I'm not like you all… I'm not like most people, stop pretending I am. It doesn't make it go away; it just makes _me _want to go away."

He looked exhausted but I had never adored him more. He was so much stronger than he gave himself credit for.

"I don't want this to go on all night. I can see it's draining for you Edward but now we have learned a few things I want to try and do this properly. I know someone you can talk –"

"Therapy!" Edward spat, standing up and knocking the chair back on to the floor. You could see his eyes darken with the thought.

"Edward…" I gripped onto his side, pleading for him not to run out just yet. He couldn't give up so easily. I wouldn't let him run away from this, not now.

"You can go to therapy if you want but over my dead body am I going." He gritted, anger building up.

"Edward, do you want to really give this a go, were all going to be trying. Not just you. Just a few sessions"

Edwards mind ticked, thinking. "Can Bella go?"

Carlisle sighed. "Edward this is about you." he tried to explain.

"Yes and Bella is my life too." He argued.

"You need to go on your own but I think perhaps she may want to talk to Bella too. But only if Bella wants too."

Of course I would go, if it was going to help Edward. "I'll go." I told him quickly.

"Think about it." Esme added, she didn't want me to be pressured.

"I don't need to. Like you said," I looked at Carlisle. "We're all going to be trying."

"But you already have. You brought him back to us, back to life." Esme spoke again.

"I'll go if the therapist wants me to, not Edward." I clarified. I knew Edward would want me there with him all the time but they were right. He really needed to give this a go. If it meant I wasn't to be there, that was the way it had to be.

Edward huffed down at me not amused. "Come on, it's what's best for y_ou_." I tried to explain to him.

"You're what's best for me." he promised, the anger easing to desperation.

"You need to do this." I told him flatly.

He sighed deeply before nodding. I would no doubt hear more of this later but I wouldn't be pushed.

Reaching for his hand he clasped mine as he reached down to correct the chair he had knocked down then pulled me up and into his side.

Rose awed from her seat.

"You know…I…thanks..." He nodded to his family. "I want to get back to the apartment, I hope that's ok, I'm tired."

"Sure, you have had a heavy couple of days." Esme smiled softly at him.

"I'll get Bella's things from you apartment." Edward told Emmett as Alice's head bowed down.

"We can do that tomorrow." I assured. I would be more than happy to sleep in a t-shirt of Edwards.

"I want your things in our room." He muttered.

"About that…" Esme added. God we were going to be strung up for that one.

"Alice, why the hell would you ever think it was a good idea forcing Bella to share with your brother?"

"She never complained." she huffed.

"Yeh, now we know why..." Rose muttered breaking her silence and rolling her eyes.

"It shouldn't have happened."

I would have never thought about sharing but now I couldn't imagine living without Edward by my side. It was right and it felt natural. Even before things had happened between us, having him near me had always felt so perfect.

Edward shrugged. "It's too late now, we're sharing. It's always been me and Bella's room. It's not changing."

Esme only nodded understanding. "Go home, get settled in and have a good rest. Both of you."

With that we said our goodbyes and headed back to our home, to our room.

* * *

"Come to bed." Edward begged me from lying on his back.

Our room was filled with my clothes all over the floor. Alice hadn't managed to get everything into the one black back but she had managed to pull them all of there hangers and out there drawers, lacing the floor with them. Every pair of underwear too.

"Ohh. I like these ones." Edward called while picking up a strip of black lace with amusement from his position on the bed.

"Three guesses who made me buy them?" I cocked an eyebrow up at him, knowing he would know.

"Did I mention my love for the little pixie?" He added sarcastically and rolled his eyes at his mixed feeling for his sister at the moment.

"Come on, get into bed." He shuffled below the covers.

"Edward look at all my stuff." I fanned my hands out to the room.

"Okay. Fine." He huffed as he pulled himself out the bed. "I'll help."

He bent down and broke into more laugher. "Black ok, red…Really?" In his hand was another tiny item of underwear that Alice had made me purchase. "I have nothing against the colour; I just didn't think it was your thing."

"Well maybe you don't know me as well as you thought you did." I teased with a chaste kiss as I snapped the lace out of his hand.

"I think I know you pretty well." In his next action I found myself turned around and my back pressed against his chest with his right hand sliding down my shirt covered navel, teasing around the top of the material of my jeans.

I bit my lip trying to keep in the moan of having his hands anywhere on me. Hours earlier I thought I would never have him near me again.

I tried to slide away to the side, but it only made the material shift and his hands catching my skin. The shock from his touch echoed right through me.

His hand made its way down, managing to open my jeans with one hand.

_What a trick._

My toes curled against the carpet in anticipation. All I wanted was him and now he was mine. Forever.

His hand slipped down the inside of my jeans, inside my underwear. "Do you know how much I want you?" he asked huskily in my ear sending a shiver down my spine and my centre becoming damp.

I bit my lip again, standing on my tip toes trying to inch his hand closer to the spot I needed it to be.

He laughed a little at my attempt "So impatient." He told me.

"Do you know how much _I_ want _you_?" I turned it on him.

"I have an idea, now." I felt his nose skim of the side of my neck, his lips trailing along the top of my shoulder.

I leaned back trying to entice him and I felt him below me. He really did want me.

I pushed further onto my toes hoping to be a little more successful but I felt his mouth being knocked against my shoulder.

He let out a tiny yelp at the contact and I tried my best not to laugh.

"That's what you get…" I teased.

I was turned around and then felt myself bounce across the mattress before he blanketed me with his body, drowning me with his smell and his touch. If I was to die now, I could go happily.

"I love you." I pulled him closer to me, locking him in between my legs and pulling him down towards me, feeling him against my centre, through his jeans and mine.

"I love you so much." He mumbled against my lips before he took my lips, devouring my need along with his own in a breathless kiss.

* * *

**EPOV**

Waking up in the middle of the night she was still here, still with me.

I almost couldn't believe it was her arms wrapped around me after the night before I had been so alone.

In the dark last night the only though in my mind was that my life was over, that she had picked him. But she had been just as desperate to get back to me. I don't know why Emmett thought it was a good idea to try and keep us separated; I only knew that nothing would have us apart again.

She was mine.

She picked me.

_She loved me._

She mumbled in her sleep, something completely inaudible but she seemed happy in what ever land she was in right now. Her hair was scattered across the pillow. Her shiny auburn hair splayed out in a messy perfection.

_Fuck, she was mine._

I couldn't help but think it over and over again. The months I had longed to touch her, the weeks I had waited to tell everyone I wanted her and she wanted me. I had began to think that life and everything else was determined to stop it from happening, that I was only allowed to be a tiny blip in her past.

Her pout called to me as always but I resisted. She was deep in sleep and she was tired. _I_ had tired her out. Instead I placed my lips on her forehead, kissing her softly and smelling the scent of her. The sweet scent of strawberries.

I pulled the covers up over her, covering her delicate but perfect pale skin. She looked glowing against my sickly chalk white skin tone. I slid the covers up, covering her bare back; her bare chest lay flush against mine.

I could have watched her all night. The tiredness would be worth every second.

She let out another strange little sound of joy and I did my best not to laugh. She might have been a world away right now but she was still in mine. She eclipsed every though I had and I every though I would have. She was my world and all I needed. She had been the only one to understand me. Without her coming in to my life and lighting it up from her glow I would still be in darkness and I would still be alone.

I would never be alone now. Not truly, as much as waves of depression and anxiety would still come and pull me under, she would be by the side reaching out and trying to pull me back. She would fight it with me.

I was going to make her life hell. I knew that. I couldn't stop it. But she was willing to be there, forced into a hell she should never have to endure all so she could stand by my side when I tumbled in again, time after time.

* * *

Waking up I felt small kisses being peppered all over my face and her little giggle in my ear. This is how I would want to be woken every morning for the rest of my life.

With my eyes still closed I reached out and grabbed her, throwing her on her back before straddling over her naked frame and blanketing us with the duvet.

Bella only letting out a squeal of delight with more giggling as I reached down to kiss her lips.

Breaking away I whispered in her ear. "Think you can just wake me up, Swan?"

"Something wrong with the way I wake you up? Did you wake up better yesterday?" It was sore to think about it, I hadn't wakened up yesterday, I suffered all night alone.

"I didn't wake because I didn't sleep. I was in hell until Emmett shouted on me."

She reached for my face, cupping my cheek. "I won't let that happen again. I should have ignored him, went to see you." her brow creased and she looked sad again. I had managed to take the joy away from her be reminding her of being apart.

I rubbed at the grove on her forehead and shrugged. "It doesn't matter now, not any of it. I have you here and I won't leave your side again."

A hesitant look marred her face and I needed to know what her thoughts were. "Bella..?" I pushed; she wouldn't try to hide anything from me, not now. She never had done.

"I-I need to go home soon. Talk to Charlie." She shrugged.

"I know." I did. I knew now how hard for her it was to walk away and leave me to try and limit the damage but I also knew that she came back to me as soon as she could, she had left Charlie with all of it out in the open and knowing Bella, she would want to go back to make it up to her dad like she had tried to do with Jake and me. She was always only concerned about how everyone else was feeling.

She bit down on her lip and hesitantly but gently told me. "Alone."

"I know." I confirmed again. "I know what you need to do." I let the back of my index finger trail against her jaw, letting her know not to worry. I wasn't.

I reached down and placed a small kiss on her lips. "I understand that there will be times that you have to go back home-"

"Forks." She interrupted.

I looked at her confused. "What?"

"Home, home is here. Charlie is in Forks." She smiled softly.

I kissed her lips again, firmly and corrected myself. "You need to go back to Forks, to see Charlie." I nodded at my own words and sure of my self I could handle it. I could handle the thought just now but knew there would be days I would struggle, that I would let my self doubt get to me.

"I'll be hear waiting right here for you." I told her with sincerity. "At home." I added with a wide smile. I couldn't believe this is where she felt home, that she would call it that.

"I love you." I told her simply because I could. I could never tell her enough; even telling her everyday for the rest of my life would not be enough to convey what she gave to me, what she did to me.

"I love you too." She promised and I knew she meant every word of it.

"Sooooo." I exaggerated. "What do you want to do today? Make out on the couch in front of Alice or heavy petting in front of Emmett?" I asked almost half serious.

Bella let that sweet laugh of hers out again and I crumbled in to her that little bit more.

"I say we stay here all day and don't get dressed until later tonight then we ask the others to go out with us, hold hands and kiss each other all night in front of them." She shrugged with a wide smile. "Just because we can."

"I like you thinking on the nudity part, I do, but I don't want to face Alice so soon." Couldn't we just stay naked forever? I could never tire of seeing her.

"I know, but maybe we should try, you, to show them you're serious and me….me to show them I'm sorry. I don't want it to be like this forever." That sad look wore on her face again and I couldn't take the pain she felt for her relationship with Alice.

"You know just give it time. Alice is upset; she may be for a while yet." I tried to break it gently to her how stubborn my sister could be. Bella was stubborn but she only stood strong on the things she felt was right, Alice usually stood strong on the things she knew wasn't right but didn't want to be proven wrong.

"Rose likes me; I could talk to Rose if no one else wants to talk to me." She told me quickly.

"Bella, they all love you, they are just…struggling with what is going on." They all did love her. The image of seeing Alice sit by her hospital bedside, vigilant, flashed through my mind and I knew that Alice would get over it, she loved Bella too much to walk away from her, she was hurt but that's because she had never had a friend let her down before but she had also never had a true friend like Bella before. Bella did what she did because I asked her.

"Please…" she begged and I knew I was done for. Nothing could make me refuse that glint in her eyes and he tone in her voice.

I hesitated for a moment. "Fine…But were naked as soon as we get back home." I told her with a smile as her lips crashed into mine.

* * *

Her grip in my hand tightened as we entered the bar. I had called Emmett and the rest with some difficulty and awkwardness but had managed to arrange for them to meet us. The house had been empty all day with Alice and Jasper leaving earlier in the morning.

I pulled her through the crowd, shielding her from the shoulders of others and the eyes of other guys. She was mine and I wasn't letting anyone try and steal her away like I had done to Jake.

Getting closer to our table I pulled her into my side, wrapping an arm around her waist and whispering into her ear. "Just ignore any snide comments, don't let her deter you."

She nodded before she reached my lips and kissed me in the crowded bar, in front of my family and in front of any other man who would have been watching her.

Reaching the table I pulled out Bella's chair as she greeted everyone with a soft and nervous Hello.

_Why were we here again?_

Seeing as the others had bought drinks I headed in the direction of the bar, getting Bella her vodka and lemonade and a cola for myself. I wasn't risking anything tonight. I didn't know if Bella could handle any more stress.

Making my way back to the table I sat down and leaned into Bella and kissed her softly on the cheek as she thanked me.

Alice scoffed before taking a long drink out of her glass.

"I was just saying to Bella, we should plan something for the summer, a holiday." Rose chipped in trying to have a normal conversation. "The six of us, it could be fun after a bit of a crazy year of school."

It had been crazy. My attack before I had even managed to make my first class, the fire and then the truth coming spilling out. I needed a break and Bella deserved one too.

"Sounds good to me." I tried to let my voice carry but it still came out as a nervous mumble.

Bella placed her hand on mine, easing me.

"Where were you thinking?" I tried harder, if only for Bella and her never failing faith in me.

"Don't know." She shrugged. "Alice?" she questioned, determined to get my sister in the conversation. The other three were still silent, Jasper and Emmett only watching our contact in amazement and Alice – well her eyes were everywhere but on me and Bella.

"I don't know if I'm up for that." she replied flatly and Bella took a long drink out of her glass too.

Both of them struggling with the other but needing one another at the same time.

"You will be." Emmett told her curtly and I was surprised at him speaking, clearly defending Bella and I.

The table fell into a dark silence and I shifted in my seat, taking Bella's had in mine and kissing the back of it for the love I had for her and also to try and use it as a distraction to what was going on around me. The energy was pulling me down and I felt like I was beginning to suffocate.

Bella's thoughts were distracted also and I could have been pulling her hand off and she wouldn't have noticed. She was in turmoil at the situation surrounding her.

I had to try and fix this mess somehow.

"Ok, I know we asked you here and that you only came…well; I don't know why you bothered to come if you won't talk." I said.

"I'm trying." Rose huffed.

"I know you are, and thank you, but you're the only one trying here." I told her while looking at Alice.

"I'm not, not trying. I'm just a little…I don't know. Surprised?" Emmett added.

"At what?" we needed to work through this, let them ask there questions.

"It's Bella and you." he waved his hand between us. "What happened? When did it all start? When did she start cheating on her boyfriend for you?"

Bella flinched at his brutal words, she knew what she had done but she still didn't like them to be said like that, as if it was just so easy for her

"I don't mean that in a bad way." He quickly added. "But really? Edward?" He tried to cover the small smile on his face at him thinking this was absurd.

Bella thought and nodded her head gently, "You want to know, I'll tell you. If it was one of you I would want to know as well."

"You don't need to tell him anything." As much as I wanted them to understand I didn't want Bella to be put on the spot and be humiliated at having to explain herself, she had already done that with _him_.

"No Edward, you're trying, so I'm trying. Were friends and I'm not letting this ruin it."

Alice's interest suddenly peaked as she tried to look at Bella from the corner of her eye.

"Things happened between Jake and I. We…I somehow felt myself pull away. I don't know when it began but things just seemed to crumble. Thing with Edward had begun before I even knew it..."

It was the start. We worked our way through it all, what happened, when it happened. My dad was right, they didn't need to know, we were entitled to our privacy but they were our family and friends. The people you go crawling to when your world collapses and they take you by the hand. We never went crawling, and that's what hurt them. When we needed them the most and we both pulled away, they would have been there for us weather they liked what we were doing or not.

We talked about crossing the lines, Alice telling me that I crossed the line the day I tried to heat her up but that she could also understand me being drawn to someone and feeling like you were losing control of yourself with the feelings you had for them. She eased on Bella but her stubborn mindedness wouldn't let it rest. It would take some time before things settled between them.

Jasper seemed a little hurt at the fact I had kept it so well hidden from him and that Bella also never went to him, he thought he was close enough to both of us that any question of doubt in either one of our heads and we would have went to him. He would have been the best option despite how he spoke to me in the kitchen. He was worried what could happen if I pushed, he just didn't realize I already had.

Emmett was easy with his words. Angry that we had lied to him, that I told him it was the first time Bella and I had shared a bed the morning he caught us, but he was gentle. He was happy at what she had done for me, she brought me to life and he could see that. He could never hold a grudge with either one of us with the progress that had been made and also that Bella's plan was to get me here, right where I was sitting, with my family and talking.

Rosalie, well Rose was great. She defended both of us when conversation turned angry and heated but she also stood firmly along with everyone else that we should have been more open about our relationship, even when we were only friends. Rose wouldn't let herself hold a grudge; she had spiralled downwards before with hatred after her attack and refused to let this affect her like it had Alice.

After a long night of talking and clearing some of the air we all headed back home.

I had been so amazed how Bella took there questions and hesitated without doubt. She fought her corner well with some courage.

"You're amazing." I let my lips mumbled against hers before I pressed for a kiss once we were alone in our room.

"You were there standing right beside me." she told me as she broke away as if me being there was her reason for her strength.

"Yeh but you, you took them all on and…put up with Alice." I laughed lightly. The situation between the two was better, not over, just better. Alice at least looked at Bella as she spoke towards the end of the night. It was an improvement.

She nodded. "It might not be the same again, but I'll try." Her gaze landed on the floor and she looked crestfallen at the state of there relationship.

"Hey," I lifter her chin up with my index finger, making her look at me. "We'll get through this; you and Alice will get through this. Time, just give it time." She nodded apprehensively.

Trying to lighten her mood "So what about this naked thing again…" I asked as her smile lit up her face once again looking up at me with the light she always radiated.

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_**a/n: please review. You all forget to when its all happy lol.**_

_**Also I prob wont be back for another week. I am away for the weekend and won't have my laptop with me – I know, feel my pain!!**_

_**I had hoped to have this story tied up before I left but I had a little incident with the toothache and my mind stopped working.**_


	37. Chapter 35

**_a/n: my friend was taken into hospital and i cancelled my weekend away cos i needed to see her. She is ok, not great, but ok. So now I'm home so decided to get the next chappy done. Hope you like. Please let me know what you think - the reviews are getting less and less._**

**_A shout out too hooker81 for all the great reviews you left me. You pushed me over the 700 mark so thank you!!_**

**_Also I was looking at the stas for my E&B vid to this and someone has it on there facebook - thats just sooo cool! thank you - please give me a little shout so i know who you are!_**

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**Chapter 35**

**BPOV**

Four week had moved on but it seemed like Alice still couldn't.

I sat in the kitchen eating breakfast while she moped around in the corner preparing her own. There was some progress, she could now at least be in the same room as me, that happened two weeks ago but she was still yet to form any real conversation. She would string words together when it was anything to do with Edward but that was about the limit.

I felt his hands rest on my shoulders as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head. _Edward_. I pulled back to look up at him, and he reached in kissing me on the lips before wiping away small crumbs at the side of my mouth from my toast.

"Attractive." I mumbled in embarrassment at myself as I looked back down at my plate.

"On you, always." He laughed as he moved over to the unit picking up his car keys.

Alice still stood silent.

"So I'll see you in a couple of days." I told him.

He sat down beside me, his small smile disappearing. "Do you really have to go?" he huffed as he pulled me into him and let his forehead rest on my shoulder.

"Edward…" I warned him, we had been over this a hundred times.

It was time for me to go back to Forks, to see Charlie. I had left it for weeks since it all came pouring out around us, the truth. It was time to go back and explain myself to my dad. It was what he deserved. He didn't expect it, he knew what had happened but I felt it was only right to see him and try for him to understand. Charlie had never used it against me; he hadn't tried to embarrass me at my weakness. He had actually been relatively silent on the whole subject.

"I know." He sighed again into my neck as he placed a chased kiss there. "It will be our first night apart." He reminded me as he rested his chin on the edge of my shoulder.

"It's only a couple of days. Get some study done. And don't forget to call me and let me know how your session went." He was on his way to his fourth therapy session that Carlisle had set up for him. I hadn't been asked along by his therapist yet and Edward was getting annoyed with the matter. He wanted me there, the doctor didn't. I went with the doctors orders.

The sessions had been doing him some good, though Edward didn't see it. He was still just as frustrated but his anxiety and controlling it was getting somewhere and also his speech and directing his words, we all could see it. Edward was just always so blind to his own achievements.

"Like I would forget to call you." his small smile appearing again. "You should come with me." he tried, like he tried every week.

"I'm going to Forks." I reminded him. "Besides, you know the rule." The rule was I would only ever go at the request of the therapist. He had lied to me on the second week and got me at there office only to be told I hadn't actually been asked. He learned the hard way not to try that one again and he wouldn't. It was the first real lie he had told me and it took me three days to forgive him. It was what our relationship was dependant on, truth. We needed it desperately in order to help him, no while lies were allowed.

"So…Will you see anyone when your there." He treaded carefully, his tone soft. He was asking if I was going to see Jake and truth was I didn't know.

"I don't know." I shrugged. "I don't have any plan to; he won't want to see me."

"What if he does?" he asked.

"It's not something you need to worry about." I assured him as much as possible as I let my hand reach up to his cheek, to direct his eyes to mine.

"I know." He was sure when he spoke and a felt some light relief that he wasn't letting his thoughts consume him just now.

"Not getting caught with your knickers at your ankles this week?" Alice mumbled spitefully. Generally she was quiet and never spoke to me but on the odd occasion I would hear some quip come from her. She still found it hard to accept our relationship.

I heard Edward growl at her words. He hated when she would have her bit at me like she did. She was beginning to destroy there relationship. "Ignore her." He told me with a firm chaste kiss.

"You ignore her too." I smiled softly at him not showing how much her words were affecting me. They didn't really affect me too much; my real concern was how they were affecting Edward.

"You need to go." I reminded him as I looked up at the clock.

"Yeh I know. But call me when you get up there safe." He kissed my temple as he stood up and I felt his warmth leave me for the weekend.

"I will." I promised. "I love you." I told him before he bent back down to kiss me on the lips.

Breaking away "I love you too." He told me. A small but sad smile on his face and he was gone and out the door. Our weekend apart had just begun.

Standing up I stood in front of Alice. "You know you're going to make him worse. He is trying so hard and you just keep throwing it away with your digs. I understand I'm not your favourite person, fine, just don't let it affect Edward." Alice stood still on her feet, a little in shock as I began my rant at her.

"You are only making things worse for yourself, can't you see what your doing? He needs you so much but he wont go to you when you keep being like this." The harsh tone in my voice scared even me. "You need to let this go. Ok, don't be my friend anymore. I don't care, not if this is how you are going to act, that wasn't the Alice that I became friends with, that was someone else who looked out for her brother and her friends constantly."

"You took advantage of my brother." She argued back. "You…you lived this secret world with him and told no one. He leaned on you and you got him into bed."

I was surprised she still thought like this. "You think that's how it was, that I kept him away from you. Alice, all I wanted was for him to go to you. He wouldn't let me tell you. Could you imagine me going to you, you would have rushed straight to him and confronted him and he would be right back at the beginning and having no one and never trusting anyone again. Think about it, Alice." I begged for her to see it.

"I wouldn't have confronted him." She told me firmly but I knew she would have.

"_Yes_ you would. You wouldn't have meant harm but you would have."

She stood there silent, thinking my words.

"You still slept with him when you had a boyfriend, you strung him along."

I had to defend myself. I had never meant to do anything like that to Edward. "Maybe I did." I admitted. "Maybe I messed with his head more than I should have let happen but it was messing with my head too. I was with Jake and then Edward came and just turned my life upside down." I sighed thinking about it.

"He came to me and I fell in love with him. I never wanted anyone hurt. I hurt Jake and I hurt you and I can't take it back and I'm sorry that it did but I won't apologise for what happened between me and Edward."

I could feel my eyes glass over and Alice wore the same look. "He's happy, why can't you be?" My voice cracked.

"I am." She told me. "I...I just wish I could have been part of it, that he would have spoke to me too." Her voice was shaky and I could see a flicker of the Alice I loved.

"He did, all his life it's been you that's stood by him, he knows this, he can see that without you he would be even more alone. He knows what you have done for him; he just felt he could talk to me too, about the things he couldn't talk to you about. It's not a competition Alice, you're his sister and he loves you but he loves me too. But if you keep going the way you are he will pull away completely."

"But he's already done that, he goes to you." her voice was a whisper and it was then she broke, the tears began down her face and it killed me to see the pain she had.

"But he still needs you too, he needs us all and he needs you. You can't take that away from him because he has me too. We all need to be there for him and get along. We got caught up in our own thing. You have Jasper, why can't Edward have someone too?"

She moved to the table and sat down thinking. Why couldn't she see that we had what they had? She would speak to Jasper about things that she wouldn't talk about with the others, I had over heard them.

"I know there are things you tell Jasper that you don't tell everyone else, it's how it works."

She nodded agreeing. "But he didn't talk to _anyone _before you." She tried to argue back.

"But he did, he and Jasper got along form the start, he and Rose have some strange connection that's almost invisible, and he tries to be closer to Emmett too. There all just so small you can hardly see them but he's working on making them better. You were the only one that was so strong because you pushed for it a lot more. I don't mean that to sound bad, you pushed him when he needed it but he just felt swamped with all of you, all the time and when it was us alone he felt it was easier to deal with."

"I just…I just wish you would have told me."

"I'm sorry but he made me _promise_. I wanted him to go to you. I felt like I it…it just spun out of control, before I knew it, it turned into this crazy blur after the fire." That's how it happened. I was so blind to my feelings before then.

She nodded silently, taking in my words.

"I'm wrong. I know I am." She told me through her crackled tone, her usual sing song tone completely gone as she wiped tears away. "I'm, I'm just jealous. Its stupid and I can see that but he went to you. I just feel like he doesn't need me anymore." She had held on so tight to Edward, her constant following him around and checking on him over the years. She felt that she should be the reason of this new developing Edward and she felt like she wasn't.

"But he does." I protested. "He just deserves to have what you have with Jasper, you can't be mad at him for that."

She shook he head. "I'm not. Really I'm happy he has it, I thought he never would. I didn't think he would ever let anyone in that far."

"But he did." I pointed out. "If it wasn't for you and all the pushing you gave him in life he might never have been able." She had a huge influence in his life whether she seen it or not. Edward's worry was always his sister too but he knew there had to be a point that it wasn't always put on her. She had been the only one he could depend on in life until college had started. It was now the time that he would grow up from the little boy he had been in high school and he was changing in all the right ways.

She sat and looked at the table; her face was broken and sad. "I just didn't think it would be so soon and not with my best friend."

"I know, but that's how it went and you can't be anything but proud of the changes he's trying to make.

"He's only making those changes cause he wants to please you." she gave out flatly.

"Yeh that's one of the reasons." I knew it was true, I had used it to barging with him, there was no escaping it. "But he wants to be part of the family, he want to feel like he fits in. You had just expected a little too much from him, he isn't like you." I laughed lightly. "No one is like you." I added. "The two of you go from one end of the scale to the other."

Alice nodded knowing it was true and tried to hide the small smile n her face.

"But he loves you and he needs you." I spoke honestly. "And I love you and need you but I won't take this anymore, Alice. I won't let you talk to me like you do and I wont let you do it to Edward. I'll fight you on it if I have to but I refuse to let you hurt him anymore because he is the only one who this is truly affecting." My words were firm.

"I know." She told me. "I'm sorry. I really am." She sighed as she hid her face in her hands. "I don't want to lose you. I really don't and I don't want to make things harder for Edward. You both mean the world to me I just wish I was told and didn't have to walk in on it."

I could understand that. I would never have chosen for her to see us like that. For her to find out as we sneaked about.

"We were going to tell you." I promised.

"I know. I have listened. I just pretend I don't." she looked up and smiled through her tear streaked face.

I laughed a little at her honesty.

"I need to go to Forks and I need to know that you will be there for Edward, that you won't say things. I'm not worried what you say about me but he is honestly about to snap with the way you are acting and if he goes over that edge I'm worried I might not see my boyfriend ever again."

She nodded understanding. She wasn't blind to him; she could surly see the pain he was in over it.

"You don't need to be my friend. Just stop with the petty games and help Edward out a little." I told her firmly.

"I will." She nodded her head. "And I really do still want to try and be friends. You know, maybe start over?" she shrugged questionably as she wiped at the damp on her face.

"I would like that." I reached out and placed my hand over hers.

I knew we still had so much more to go but least it was a start.

"I need to be going. Please, just try to be there for him, I don't want his mind thinking too much about me not being here, I don't want him to worry. Maybe try and take him out with Jazz." I suggested. He would need all the distraction he could get. If he got through this weekend without bother he should manage a little easier in the future. I hoped.

"We'll take care of him, don't worry. Maybe I could talk to him too." She shrugged hopeful.

"Yeh, I think he would like that." I was positive if Alice went to him with all the positivist she usually radiated he would be happy to spend time with her and work on there relationship.

"I need to go." I nodded as I stood up, backing away.

"Thank you Bella." She was thanking me now? I was a little stunned to say the least but I wouldn't knock it. We were moving forward and finally beginning to leave this mess behind once and for all.

I said one final goodbye as I headed out to my truck and got on the road to Forks. Alice was another one knocked off my list, Charlie was next and I was a little hopeful after my chat with Alice that I could at least let my demons rest.

* * *

Pulling up outside my old home I saw his car. It was Jakes. He was here.

I had no idea if he knew I was coming here, if he wanted to see me or was just stopping buy by chance. I didn't know what reception to expect.

Walking in the door I called out for Charlie. I hadn't expected him to be home from work yet and the cruiser wasn't parked outside. Was Jake here by himself?

I swallowed had at the thought that he had came to see me.

There was a shuffle from the kitchen before he burst through to the living room, his face full of thunder.

"Hey." I called to him. Old habits dying hard. It was always the way we greeted one another.

"I was just dropping something off. I was going to leave a note but you can just tell him to click it in like how he took it out. He'll know what to do." he told me curtly without meeting my eyes.

I nodded but he wouldn't have seen me as he looked down at the floor.

"I didn't expect to see you here." I told him a little dumbfounded that he was here when no one else was. He was welcome to, it was just unexpected, it was like he had been avoiding Charlie.

"Ditto." He told me flatly, his eyes still looking down at the flooring.

"I...I came for a visit." I didn't need to mention the reason why I was up here was to explain to Charlie why I had ended up cheating Jake.

He nodded slight as he clenched his fists.

"I was hoping I would see you." I told him honestly. I was hoping too, I just let Edward know if I did, he had nothing to worry about.

"I still don't want to see you." he told me as he finally met my eyes.

I nodded taking in his words. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but it was to be expected.

"I…I just want to try and explain."

"Explain why I caught you in bed with another guy." He bit. I took it. I deserved it.

"I never wanted you to find out like that."

"No you just wanted to keep cheating on me and pretend I never existed."

He was still mad and he had every right to be.

"I wasn't like that. I loved you, I still do. It just changed somewhere."

"And what you love him?"

"Yes I do." I told him softly, he wanted the truth but he cringed at my words.

"And I was just nothing…?" he asked.

"No. You weren't nothing. You know what we had-"

"We had a future." He reminded me about the plans we had made that were all now shattered.

"I know, but things change and in time you will see that we were never meant to be. Not really. We just weren't meant to last." I believed it. He had come into my life and helped me through it but now it was time for us to move on. We had got each other through life, our youth, we grew up and we slowly grew apart.

"You think that's it. That you didn't cause this? He asked full of venom.

"I know what I did was wrong and you will never know how sorry I am but my heart changed…" I could never express the way I truly felt to Jake, it would hurt too much.

"Your heart just changed…Nothing to do with him trying to get you into his bed." Alice was having a go at me earlier of me taking advantage of Edward and now I had Jake tell me it was all Edward. I wasn't and I wasn't standing for it.

"I fell in love with him. We happened because we cared about one another, because we are in love." I practically shouted it at him and the look on his face looked as if I had slapped him.

I couldn't believe I was getting into this again. Like this, so aggressive.

"I'm sorry…" I mumbled, I knew it was the last thing he really needed to hear was that I was in love with someone else.

"You will be, when you go to him and find him in bed with some other girl."

I shook my head at his lies. Edward would never do that to me. I knew deep in my heart he wouldn't. He couldn't.

"Jake, I want us to be friends. You were such a big part-" I was cut off.

"Friend, are you for real, you think we can be friends after this. Bella, our parents aren't even friends anymore." He shouted at me.

Wait, What? What had happened between Charlie and Billy?

"What?" I asked completely perplexed.

"We can't be friends." he grunted.

"No, the other part. Do not take my mistakes out on Charlie, you are his family." Why was he even here if that's what his story was?

"Bella you think the world is just going to keep turning the way it was, it won't. I don't want this to affect them but it has, they will get past it but right now I can't face him and my dad is struggling because Charlie seems to think it's ours to deal with."

"It is ours to deal with, I'm his daughter he can't turn his back on me, don't make him choose like that, it's not fair." Tears filled in my eyes at the thought of Charlie being pushed away because of this. He couldn't do that to me and it wasn't right he had to pick a side. I knew he loved me and Jake but it was me who was his daughter.

"Wait." I could see it now. "You're avoiding Charlie, he gave you some crap excuse for you to come over and you sneak in while he's at work so you don't have to face him." I shook my head in disgust at the treatment he was giving him.

"I cant face him, I'm not asking him to choose, I know I wont win that one and I don't want to. I'm not competing with you for your own dad. I just need some more time."

"When did you see him last?" I asked.

"The day before I went down to Seattle." His eyes fell down to the floor, he didn't like the thought either. "I…I just need more time." He tried to explain.

I nodded. "Just don't let it all go to waist, I can understand that Billy hates me, and that you hate me-"

"That's the thing Bella; we love you, that's what makes it all so…so hard." He sighed. "Charlie and Billy will work it out, but you and I are done. I wasn't lying when I said I didn't want to see you ever again. You took my heart out and tore it apart. I can't forgive you for that, that, I hate you for."

It hurt a lot more than I thought it would have. I could understand the hating me and not wanting to see me, and never forgiving me, I could understand it, but the pain was more than I could bear.

I felt myself fall back into the seat beside me, my legs unsteady and unable to hold me.

"Just tell Charlie I left it for him." He told me as he headed for the front door. "And Bella," I whipped my head up to see him stand at the door. "I really hope you never have to walk in on him like I walked in on you, you deserve it, but I hope it doesn't happen. It's a lot of pain. Remember that." He nodded once and then headed out the door and out of my life.

I sat back on the seat and felt defeated; my small win earlier with Alice had been washed away with the down pour of the end of my life with Jacob Black.

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**EPOV**

I pretended to be locked in interest with whatever was on the television at the moment but my eyes constantly wondered down to my phone in my hands.

"Edward she will call you later. Forget about it just now." Alice piped in.

I had got a text earlier from Bella saying she was at Charlie's but that she was a little caught up with things to call.

I couldn't help the gnawing feeling in my gut at an image of her being caught up with _him_. I shook it from my mind knowing it was ridiculous. I trusted her, she had picked me. I was just letting my anxiety get to me and let my mind wonder off on its own.

"You know what's she's like, she will be making Charlie enough hot dinners to keep him going for the next month." Alice smiled across from the other side of the room in Jaspers lap.

"She has a point." Jasper added with a small laugh.

When I got in earlier Alice had came to me and said that they had spoken, that they were trying to get past it. I found it hard to believe in Alice's sudden change of heart but she told me that it was Bella that had stood up and spoken on the matter first.

She had finally kicked Alice's arse into gear like I knew she could, like she had done to me in the past. I was proud of her.

Alice had tried to get me to leave the apartment with her and Jasper but I refused. I wanted to speak to Bella and I was worried I would miss her call if I was out and never heard my phone ring. So instead Alice has pushed herself upon me with Jasper, along with DVD's and popcorn.

I had no idea what the film was, something about some daft brat thinking it was a good idea to fall in love with a vampire. _Irony_ I think they like to call it.

Alice swore blind she had no idea what it was about and offered to change it. She remembered the days of my taunting as clear as I did. I said it was fine; I had yet to actually focus on one word of what had been said in it.

My eyes were still firmly on my phone.

"Edward I swear if you don't put it down I'll fight it out your hands and throw it out the window. She is busy, she will call you when she can, relax, you know you can trust her." I was a little surprised at Alice's support.

I placed the phone down to my side and tried to forget all about it and watch the movie.

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The movie was over and so was the next one, still no Bella.

I paced around in my room griping at my hair. What the hell had happened to her? I wanted to call her but knew she wanted me to stay strong and wait.

Was this a test? Was she seeing how long I could last before I tried to call her?

My mind was driving me crazy. Too many thoughts pushed it in to over drive.

I heard a light knock on the door and Alice floated in with a small questioning smile.

"She hasn't called me back." I bellowed to her.

"Something must have come up. She wouldn't do that, not to you." Alice moved into me, pulling herself into me, hugging my waist.

I accepted it, it wasn't Bella but I could see she was only trying to help me.

"Why hasn't she called, just even a quick call." I stammered out.

"Maybe her phone died." She tried.

"She packed her charger this morning after she charged it overnight." I told her flatly.

"Maybe it broke." She tried again.

"Or maybe you're right, maybe she's been caught with her knickers at her ankles again."

She smacked at my chest hard, I looked back down at her stunned.

"I was mad, ok, she wont do that, stop it, stop it right now." She hammered her foot down to the ground like a child. "She loves you. I don't know why she hasn't called but I know something must have happened for her not to call, something important."

What was more important than letting me know how she was, ok I could understand her need to speak to Charlie and no doubt her mothering nature she seemed to bestow upon him but this was ridiculous. Surely she would know how I was feeling.

_What the hell was she trying to do to me?_

"I'm going to sleep in with you in my old bed." Alice told me. Did she really think I needed babied that much.

"Alice, I'm fine." I told her coldly but she paid no attention to my icy tone.

"Edward, if I'm here you can talk to me if you need to." I knew I could talk to her. I always had, it had only been the past months that it had shifted to Bella, but now Bella wasn't here.

"I'm fine." I spat. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to even try and think about it. The images in my head were too much and I didn't need to keep thinking about it to keep them there.

She sighed heavily. "Edward…"

"Alice, just don't. Don't try to give her any more excuses." I fell on to my bed, Bella's bed, our bed. It stood for nothing without her.

"I'm not trying. Just don't let it get to you. There must be a reason."

"She's either screwing Jake or some other guy." I told her with a snap.

"Is that what you really think? Is that what you think of her, you think that little of her?" I didn't know what to think anymore, I though Bella knew me better than anyone but clearly, I was wrong.

"I don't know what to think anymore." I told her honestly. "If anything bad had happened to her…" I didn't want to think about it. It would kill me.

"Nothing bad has happened, nothing like that, we would know, Charlie would have called us…" the thought was obviously lingering in Alice's head too. "Wouldn't he?" she asked wearily.

A moment passed between us and Jasper came in.

"Guy's stop it already. She had things to do; she must have got caught up. Give her more time." He told us as Alice went to him and wrapped her arms around him.

I had no one, no one to wrap my arms around. I was cold and alone without her.

I needed to know. I needed to hear her voice.

With the need to be sick and the need for Bella, the need for Bella winning, I picked up my phone and held on to my stomach and went to the last number dialled.

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**_a/n: oh man – where has Bella got to? Any idea?_**

**_What...You didn't think i didn't have one last curveball to throw at you before the end!! Really?! hehe_**

**_Please review!! xx_**


	38. Chapter 36

_**a/n: who's the biggest BRITCH of them all my funny little tasting Clementine! XD!! Yeh…You know who you are! LOL!!**_

**_So this is the final chapter - only the eppy to come after this! Yes I'm sad too!! xx_**

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**Chapter 36**

**EPOV**

"Edward!" I heard her voice call out for me, only it didn't sound like her, not really.

My head snapped up from my phone with her name written across the screen but her voice came from the front door.

Alice and Jasper's heads had snapped up towards my bedroom door too.

"Edward!" She cried out louder this time. Something in her voice cutting through me. I panicked.

Jumping up form the bed I ran past Alice and Jasper and out of my room.

She was there, right in front of me and she looked devastated. I wrapped my arms around her tight, pulling her into me, letting her know she was ok.

Alice and Jasper stood behind me, no doubt surprised at what they seen.

"We'll give you some time." Alice mumbled behind me as she and Jasper shifted past and into there own room.

I kissed the top of Bella's head as she let the tears escape.

She was silent but they flowed out of her, her breath only slightly laboured in the panic that seemed to be inside her.

I pulled her through, into our room and on to our bed. I continued to hold on tight. She still wore her jacket and shoes but she didn't seem to care.

"Bella…" I tried carefully and her grip on my top got tighter.

"Are you ok?" I asked and she nodded softly into my chest.

She seemed so weak and frail in my arms and I had no clue what had made her crumble like she had. She was always so strong and so determined.

I pulled away form her, trying to see her face aging. It was tear streaked and her eyes were red and sore.

"What happened?" I asked with my voice more worried than I wanted to show.

"Us." Her eyes fell to her lap and my stomach churned. "It-it's affected everyone. Charlie. Billy refuses to speak to him." She sobbed out again.

"What do you mean?" I knew what she said but why was it our fault.

I cupped at her face, bringing her eyes up to meet mine.

"Billy. He thinks this is Charlie's fault. He thinks he should have been …been more – I don't know, he thinks Charlie let me away with what I did, he thinks I need to be told off like a child. He didn't like how he let me go back home to you after I followed Jake back. He thinks I should have stayed and tried to apologise more."

"But you said he didn't want to see you." I tried to let her see he was being unreasonable.

"I know, I know what he said. But Billy didn't like it and now he is taking it out against Charlie. Jake won't see him and Billy is pushing him away." She cried into my chest again rolling forward against me.

"It's all my fault. All of it. I killed Charlie's family and now he only has me and I'm here in Seattle."

"Bella, this is not your fault." I tried to sooth her. Why was this happening to her?

"Jake was in the house when I got home and he told me, he was dropping something off, trying to avoid seeing Charlie. When I asked Charlie about it he tried to wave it off but I went up to LaPush to speak to Billy. He hates me. He thinks I'm some slut that screwed his son over. He practically told me it like that."

I felt anger bubble below the surface but I knew it wouldn't help Bella anymore if I lashed out. I had to try to keep control.

Her tears were still quiet but her body trembled with all the pain she was harbouring.

"It wasn't just you Bella, It was me too. Don't blame yourself." I tried. I felt lost on how to deal with her; she had always been the strong one. She had shed tears before but nothing like this. Her heart was breaking for her past.

"This is not your fault Edward, its mine-"

"No!" I interrupted her "We both did this, it isn't one or the others fault, we both did this." I was firm, it wasn't all her fault, I wouldn't have her put this all on her. I had been the one to make the first move. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine.

"He was just so angry. I thought he was mad when I left that day but he was like another person today. Charlie said he will calm down and things will go back to normal but I just can't see it…ever. Jake said he just needs more time but I don't know about Billy."

Her breathing was becoming more erratic and she was warming up. I peeled her jacket off of her and I don't think she even noticed me do it. I reached down pulling her trainers off her feet too and pulled her up onto my chest as we lay out on the bed.

"How is Charlie?" I treaded. She was suffering but she had also left him.

She shook her head against my chest as she thought. "Sue. Sue had followed us back home. She told me to calm down, not to get too carried away. My dad won't let people see it's affecting him, he told me to come back here." She fired her words out quickly and it was hard to keep up.

"Who is Sue?" I asked carefully.

"She's an old friend." She shrugged. "She will look after him, she said they had words at the time and that Charlie is still trying to hold onto there friendship and has been trying to see Jake."

I didn't like the thought of Charlie still wanting to see Jake. I assumed that he was in the past but he had obviously still a very strong bond with the guy. Bella did always speak of them as family. That shouldn't change.

"It's not fair. This isn't Charlie's fault. Why is he being blamed?" She sobbed out.

"I don't know but maybe Jake's right." _God, did I just say that_? "Maybe they just need some time to let things settle. Like you and Alice." I hoped after today she could see brighter days between the two old friends.

"But how could he be like that, how?" I had no idea.

I combed my fingers through the back of her hair trying to relax her. It was late and she had just driven all the way back from an obviously very heated argument. I was a little pissed to say the least that Charlie had sent her home when she was like this.

"Why did you come back so soon? Didn't you want to stay?" I wasn't going to let her drive back to Forks if guilt did decide to consume her but I needed her to think about it, if she really wanted to return home I would drive her.

"He told me I should go to you. He thinks you would have been best for me." I didn't know how to take that. Was Charlie really that accepting of me so soon or was it because he thought it would be what Bella needed?

I guessed he seen just how upset she was and now it was no longer Jake she went running to, he probably seen I was the best option to calm her. I felt happy that he had seen me like that, that he thought I was worthy of looking after her when she was as up set.

We lay on the bed just taking in the night in silence.

I was cursing myself for thinking anything else of Bella now. I knew she wouldn't have done anything to hurt me but I had let my mind get the better of me and I hated myself for letting her down.

She looked like a little china doll in my arms, so breakable and I finally seen what she did for me, she was my Constantine in this hard life and now I needed to step up and be hers as well.

* * *

I swiped gently at the hair that had fallen into her face as she slept. She was exhausted, her body was spent with all the tears she could manage last night and right now she deserved to sleep forever if she wished.

I kissed her nose gently before I got out of bed and pulled on my joggers and padded into the kitchen where Alice was making breakfast with Jasper.

"Morning." Alice greeted me with a tight worried smile. Jasper nodded.

"Morning." I told them back as I pulled out the fresh orange from the fridge.

Alice nervously twitched around on her tip toes as she looked across at me pouring my juice. "You can ask me you know?" I told her knowing exactly what she wanted to ask me.

"How is she?" she let out quickly, gasping.

"She's fine. Upset, but I think give a couple of days…" I shrugged.

"What happened? She was meant to come back on Sunday." She reminded me.

"Well let's just say Billy isn't quite as forgiving as you are. Even to Charlie."

"Charlie?" Jasper asked confused. "What has he got to do with it?"

"Apparently a lot. Billy didn't like how Charlie thought Bella and Jake should deal with it together, he wanted – well I don't know what he really wanted but I think he wanted Charlie to be a bit more_ firm_ with Bella over the whole thing and because he wasn't, there not talking anymore"

"That's crazy. I can understand him being mad but what does it have to do with Charlie." Alice spoke, her words surprising me after the way she had acted.

Jasper let out a small laugh. "This coming form her? My baby is growin' up." he was amused at Alice's change of heart as I was. He was also impressed at the way Bella stood up to her. He didn't like to see them fight.

"Shut up Jazz." She scolded him playfully with a light smack on his arm.

"So she's still sleeping. I'll let her rest. She will need it." I informed them as I began to drink down the juice.

"You want some breakfast?" Alice asked.

"No, I'm fine." I told her.

"Yes he will." Bella's voice called from behind me. Turning around she was stood in her pyjamas rubbing at her still slightly red eyes.

"I kept him up late, he needs it – and more sleep." She informed the other two firmly.

Walking up to me, we wrapped our arms around one another, me pulling her in tight to my side.

Jasper laughed a little before mumbling something about being whipped.

"Leave her; she is only looking out for him." Alice told him off again. "Would you like some, I'm making pancakes." Alice smiled at her and I could have passed out with shock.

"Yes, Please." Bella softly smiled back.

"Edward?" Alice checked again. Bella was right, I hadn't slept much and my late lunch and a bag of popcorn the day before wasn't the best diet. I knew I needed to fuel up more if I wanted to keep well. Bella would have known I would have eaten less without her chasing me and not being there. She always knew these things. It was part of the reason I loved her, at times though it could grate on my last damn nerve, she was usually right and a little sure of herself.

Her brown orbs looked up knowing she was right on this one. She knew I wouldn't have eaten much. "Yeh, Ok." I sighed and Bella smiled and relaxed back into me again.

Sitting down at the table we all dug into the pile of pancakes that Alice and Jasper had made up. And they were exactly what I needed.

"So Edward was telling us about Billy…" Alice was careful but I could have killed her for brining it up after she finally had a real smile on her face.

Her mouth dropped, thinking it over again.

"Alice!" I told her off.

"Sorry, I…I was only wanting to know how she was." She flustered.

"I'm fine, Alice, thanks. Edward, it's ok. Don't worry about it." I felt her hand on my knee reassuring me, soothing me.

"Billy just needs time. He can't turn his back on my dad like that. He can't." I could sense her getting worked up again. Trying to distract her I pulled her into me kissing her on her bare shoulder.

"Well you know we are here for you, all of _us_." Jasper told her, emphasising on the us.

Bella nodded, knowing.

"So any plans today?" I asked Alice and Jasper in the hope of having the apartment alone with Bella.

"We were going to go a drive." Jasper spoke at the same time as Alice informed us they were going shopping.

Bella looked up suspiciously towards them. "You don't have to leave because of me."

"Yes they do." I informed her without missing a beat. I wanted Bella all to myself and what better place than our apartment, alone.

"We're not. You could just use some space. Edward was so worried..." Alice told her.

Bella's face changed instantly realizing. "I never called, oh god, I never called." She pulled into me, wrapping her arms around my neck. "I'm sorry." She must have mumbled it a dozen times as she kissed at my face.

"It's ok." I shrugged. "I mean, please don't do it again. I was worried, but I understand now."

Pulling away she dropped her head in shame "I'm so so sorry."

"Bella, stop. It's fine."

"No, I let you down." She argued.

"Bella…" I was firm with her. She needed to stop. She had been a mess last night. I was impressed she managed to drive back in the state she had worked herself into. I shouldn't be as dependant on her. She shouldn't feel like she did now because she made a tiny error. It wasn't fair that she berated herself because of who _I_ was.

* * *

The apartment was empty and finally I was alone with Bella. She was currently trying to get hold of Charlie but some emergency had come up at the station and he was out at whatever was going on.

"I just need to see he's ok." She huffed down the phone. "Yeh I get that…Just tell him to call me when he can." She slammed her phone closed before making it bounce across the bed with her fiery temper.

I laughed a little at the pout on her face. She was looking like a spoilt brat.

"Don't laugh at me." her tone was serious and I couldn't help the laugh that came from me again.

"I'm sorry, you just need to relax, he's working just now. He will call you back later but this…" I pulled gently at her pouted bottom lip with my thumb. "…won't get you anywhere."

She pulled her bottom lip in with her teeth, biting down on it and I pulled at it again releasing it from its torcher.

"I know, I…I'm just..."

"Pissed off." I finished for her.

She looked up to me with a small smile beginning to form on her lips, we were still dressed in our pyjamas, hers showing off her soft delicate shoulders and collar bone.

"I say, I do my best to distract you…" reaching down I began to kiss along her soft skin of her shoulder, from the far end, moving along closer to her neck. I skimed past the material of her vest and trail kisses along her collar bone before I start for her neck. I held her close, my arms wrapped around her back.

"And how are you going to do that." she tried to pretend that this is having no effect on her but I knew better. Her tone was teasing but sure. Like she often seemed to be.

"I'll show you…" I whispered into her ear and I could feel a small tremble pass through her body as her back rests in my hands.

I gently bit on the lobe of her ear and heard her let out a needy sigh. It took all that's in me to stop from stripping her of all her bed clothes right now.

"Do you like that?" I teased in her ear again.

"Suppose is was nice." She shrugged so nonchalantly. _Teasing bitch_. I mentaly rolled my eyes at her act. She was playing games and I was more than willing to play dirty.

I pulled her up on to my knee, parting her legs to either side of me and let my own legs fold over the edge of the bed. She must surly have felt me needing her thought the thin material of both our pyjamas.

I held at her backside, puling her in closer to me and to make sure she didn't fall before I reached for the hem of her top and pulled it over her head, enjoying the view from her slightly raised seat on my knee. Looking up at her she smiled back down at me.

I took her rose budded nipple and felt her squirm on my lap, rubbing her centre further into me but I didn't think it was intentional. If she started this game she sure as hell was intent to win it.

I let my tongue taste her sweet flesh, teasing the sensitive tip with my teeth as she jolted further into me in responses.

Pulling away form her, her cheeks were pink, she was determined not to fold, her back rigid and straight.

"You liked that." I teased her knowing, her face turning scarlet.

She shook her head defiantly and I took her other nipple into my mouth giving it the same attention I did the other. This time I palmed at her breast, taking the soft but firm flesh and feeling her warm in my hand.

Her hips slid forward slightly, getting closer and I felt her hands go to the bottom of my own t-shirt and begun tugging at it.

Breaking away from her sweet chest, she pulled the shirt over my head, looking up she looked like some goddess waiting to be ravished, her cheeks pink, her chest heaving and her lips begging to be kissed, all that along with her bed hair and I don't think I could have been any harder.

I could make love to her forever.

I had to have her. _Now._

I held on to her waist as I lifted her up to her feet and settled her on the floor.

She looked surprised that I was taking her away from me but I needed only a moment and then she wouldn't be able to get any closer.

I pulled at the material of her bottoms, the soft cotton dropping to the floor in a pool at her ankles. She kicked them away before standing in front of me in only her underwear.

I hooked my fingers and slid down the small black underwear down her legs before she kicked them away also.

Standing in front of me, she was completely naked. I had to have her soon. My body was in agony at the need for her, not the need for even release, but just to have her, be inside of her. Where no one else would _ever_ get to go.

She stood nervously biting on her lip, her self-confidence beginning to diminish at her vulnerable state.

Standing up I held onto her waist and backed her up against the wall.

"Do you know how much I need you." I whispered into her ear as I took hold of her tiny delicate wrists and held them above her head.

She shook her head, her gaze at the floor. I pushed myself against her, my erection pressing against her stomach.

"Bella, look at me." I begged.

Her hooded eyes looked up at me and I had to bend down and take her lips in mine. I needed to feel her mouth against mine, for her to know exactly how much I needed her.

"I love you." I told her against her lips as we broke away our kiss.

"I love you." she smiled at me before a small chaste kiss was placed on my lips.

"I think we need to even up the score a little." She told me looking back down at my bottoms.

I was still half dressed.

"You want them gone, you have to take them off." I teased and her smile got wider.

She tugged on the material hard, taking my boxers along with them, falling to the floor in a heap of grey and navy blue.

My need for her very apparent now.

I took her two hands in my one and replacing them above her head once again, my other hand lightly tracing along the inside of her arm, down, down to her naked torso, over her breast and her navel. Finally my hand reached her centre, the pool of heat between her legs very apparent as I slid a finger along her folds, her body damp and ready for what we both needed.

I teased her more as I inserted a finger inside of her, her body shifting forward into my touch, trying to rub herself against me.

"Do you like that?" I teased one last time. Her hips bucked forward as I let my thumb trace against her clit. Her breath stumbling.

"Edward…" she pleaded and bit on her bottom lip again, her tone was needy and I knew exactly what she wanted but she started this game.

I smiled at her reaction. "Come on Bella, all you need to do is tell me; tell me its doing something for you."

Another stuttered breath as I pressed down inside her.

"Edward…." She gasped louder. Exactly the reason I wanted the apartment to be empty.

"Bella." I challenged her.

"Ok, ok, I need more, you know just how to touch me. Please…" she gasped as she tried to fight her hands out of my one.

I released her, lifting her up against the wall and holding on tight to her by the backs of her thighs as she pressed her back against the wall, her body silently calling out for what it wanted.

I teased her for a few moments with the tip of me, mumbles and cries coming from her before I entered her.

I was quick as I entered her and I pressed her delicate frame against the wall, trying to get all of me into her, filling her completely.

I kissed down on her lips hard, my tongue consuming her like how my bottom half was doing, both sliding in and out of one another. Desperate and wanton.

She gripped hard at my hair pulling my mouth into hers, we were both needing one another and Bella needed some release from the night before and a silent reminder of why we did what we did.

_We fitted._

_We fitted with our minds._

_We fitted with our emotions._

_We fitted with our bodies. _

Right now all three were in overdrive and it was all Bella needed to see to see that what we did, as morally wrong as it was, it was completely right.

She had pulled me out of the depths of despair in my closed of world and I had pushed her to her limits with her emotions but we had both got through it, we both survived thought all the heartache and pain we constantly, but unintentionally inflicted upon one another.

I needed Bella. No one else. Last night showed me that I had to be there for her as much as she had been there for me. It wasn't fair to let her struggle on her own and also having to put up with me. I had so much more to grow but I knew the support I would receive from Bella and my family.

I would become the man she deserved. _I had too_. I knew what would come and what would happen but I needed to try and fight against it and to better myself in every other aspect in my life.

_I needed her..._

_I couldn't live without her…_

_We were meant to be with one another…_

_No other person could come between us. _

Not even first love.

As much as she may still have cared for him, it was **_me_** she picked.

Not, first love…

_**but, True love.**_

* * *

**a/n; please review - Eppy is up next. give me lots of love and i wont hold it hostage for too long - it's written... hehe - I know, I'm mean. You know what to do.**


	39. Epilouge

**a/n: they say all good things come to an end…I just hope there is more good to come around and that you are all standing alongside me.**

**Thank you.**

**xx**

* * *

**Epilogue**

**BPOV**

_**Three and a half years later.**_

Barging through the door I kicked it closed behind me letting out yet another aggravated roar into the room.

It was just so damn frustrating sometimes.

_Edward._

_Of course_

I sighed and bowed my head before I looked back up to the two amused but startled set of eyes.

Alice and Jasper.

"Still not getting anywhere?" She asked gently.

I shook my head looking back at them, under there bed covers. I hadn't even knocked. Luckily they were both dressed in there pyjamas and I hadn't walked in on them at it.

I pushed forward off the door and bounced forward onto the mattress between the two love birds.

We still had the same living arrangement as we did when we had moved in. Alice with Jasper and me with Edward.

It was graduation tomorrow and he refused point blank to try on the suit Esme had tailor made for him.

It was beautiful, a dark navy with almost invisible light blue pinstripe. He would look so handsome in it, if only he would try the bloody thing on.

He didn't want to go to the ceremony tomorrow. He wanted to skip out on it like he had done on his high school one. He couldn't see that it wasn't just a high school year that was graduating, but a larger college one, who had no idea who he was or his condition. He was so self-conscious about it and I could understand it but I didn't want him to miss out on it and regret it later in life.

He had already missed so much of his life in the years he had stayed hidden. He needed to come out from the shadows and shine like he truly deserved too.

"No, he says he's still not going." I told her with a sigh.

"Do you want me to speak to him again?" Jasper offered. It couldn't hurt but I knew Jasper would get no where like last time. Edward was being more than stubborn on this one.

"Let him live with it." Alice told me. "You have tried for two weeks now."

I had. It had been two weeks of this black cloud following us around and I was beginning to sorely miss _my_ Edward.

We had got through darker times and for even longer periods but I still longed for him to come to me. It was me who constantly chased him the past two weeks, taking any touch from him I could get.

I really wanted to cry. I could feel myself holding onto the edge with my fingernails. All I wanted was for us to have this day together, to enjoy it.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled out. I wouldn't shed a tear to them. They had seen it happen before from frustration but I didn't want them to feel guilty at them being able to enjoy the day.

I would hold my head up straight and do this for me. I had worked hard for four years to get here and I wasn't letting Edward ruin it for me.

"Don't be." Alice's slim little fingers combed through the ends of my hair, soothing me.

A few months after it all came out Alice and I finally got back to where we had been, she was my best friend again along with Rosalie and I depended on the two of them implicitly. It was the two of them that would drag me back up on to my feet when I fell down alongside Edward. They knew he needed me and I needed to be strong, so they were there for me when I had no one else to lean on.

Edward had got better but he still constantly suffered and sometimes I would forget the road I needed to pull him along on and would want to wonder off alone but the need, the feeling, it would last momentarily and I knew I could never part from him. I would die without him, even in his darkest days, the days when it seemed we would never see sunlight again, even the days when it seemed like it never ended.

I couldn't ever leave him.

_I wouldn't ever want too._

"I-I should get to bed." I nodded to the two of them and climbed off there bed before telling them good night and making my way back to my room.

Walking into the room Edward stood with his back to me, dressed in the suit. My heart burst with joy and the hope that this would mean he would be there tomorrow.

He turned to face me, his face still wearing the scowl he had worn the past two weeks.

"You look beautiful." I told him and I could hear the croak in my voice. He did, he looked breath taking and the suit fitted him perfectly.

"I was just trying it on." He shrugged. "I need a new one anyway." He told me flatly and a felt a little air leave me.

"So you're not going tomorrow? You don't want to go up and accept your certificate, the certificate you worked so hard for what you need for med school, for the job you're dying to do. To save lives. You want to save lives but you won't do this tiny thing for your self."

I was pushing his buttons and I didn't know what his reaction would be but after two weeks I was giving up on treading carefully.

"I've done what I wanted for myself. I still graduate even if I don't go to the ceremony." He told me as he messed about with the jacket, looking in the mirror, avoiding his own eyes in his reflection.

"But your mum bought you this as a present to wear under your gown. She wants you to stand up there and take the certificate; they will all want to see you." I pushed some more.

"Bella is this about what you want or what I want?" He asked a little impatiently.

"I don't want you to miss out on this like your high school graduation. I don't want you to regret this." I told him honestly.

He was still silent at my words, distracted by the buttons.

I sighed deeply. "Ok, Edward. I want to see you there too. I want to see you graduate and stop being scared of everything around you. No one will say anything. No one knows about your condition."

"I'm not scared." he told me firmly.

I raised an eyebrow at him, suspiciously. "Then why wont you do it, why don't you just go to the ceremony?" I challenged him.

"Because, like you said, it would be for myself and I don't feel the need to go though some ridiculous show of how great everyone is."

I moved up to him, pulling his face to mine and away from the jacket he wouldn't stop playing about with. "Well do it for me. I'm asking you do show me how great you are, show me how good you have done and get up on that ridiculous stage tomorrow and accept that ridiculous piece of paper for ridiculous little old me.

"Your not ridiculous Bella." He told me with a small hint of anger lacing his voice.

"Yes I am, I want to do it, I want to go through the ridiculous show so I must be too."

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. I could see him toppling over that edge any moment but I wouldn't stop. I had to keep trying.

I knew he would come to regret it like he regretted his High school graduation, when he told me I could see the sadness in his eyes at the fact he didn't have the strength to do it. He had strength now; he had us all standing behind him, encouraging him.

"Bella…" he sighed.

"Edward. Do it for me. Please. I'll beg if I have to." I knew it was the words to take effect. He hated the word beg and everything it stood for, especially coming from me.

He turned away form me, harshly pulling the suit off.

"Edward, careful, you will ruin it." I told him as I rushed to help him out of it.

"It doesn't matter, I don't need it."

He was ignoring my words.

This was a first. God he was being so damn stubborn. I wanted to scream again.

"Edward, I'm not joking. I'll get down on my knees if I have too." I was being deadly serious. I wanted this. This one small thing and I knew somewhere deep inside of him, past his anxiety, he wanted this too.

"Bella…"He grunted, his tone harsh.

At his reaction I began to crouch down in front of him but as soon as he seen what I was up to he yanked me straight back up onto my feet.

"Stop it. I don't want to go."

"Well go for me." I argued back. "If you loved me…" I couldn't help the smirk on my face. I was being evil and I knew fine well I was. He had played this card before so for once in my life I was playing it too.

"You're a piece of work you know that." he spat.

"Yes." I told him frankly.

"Why? Why is it so damn important that I go too? I'll watch you." he told me and I knew he would but I wanted him up there with me, for him to feel no disappointment in himself that he didn't manage it even though he deserved it.

"I want to watch you. Why is that so wrong? I want to cheer you on and get to see you have your moment too."

He pulled at his hair, aggravated and I reached for his hands, fighting for him to let go of it. It would be such a cute mess below his mortarboard.

I knocked the thought out my head and had to be serious for a moment.

"I'll ask you once more, think about it." I let a silent moment pass first. "Edward will you go up and collect your certificate tomorrow at the ceremony?"

"No." he told me flatly.

"Ahhhh, why not." I practically stomped my foot at him. "Please, for me?" I asked again.

"You said you wouldn't ask again." He reminded me.

"That's because I thought you would do this one thing for _me_. It's not hard. You only need to walk up, take it and say thank you." I crossed my arms and turned my head away from him.

"Bella, you know I love you but why is this so important to you?" he asked me.

I uncross my arms and looked up at him before I pulled on his hand pulling him onto the mattress with me.

I cup his cheek in my hand and let my thumb brush the apple.

"I know this means something to you too, that you want to do it. Don't be scared of the crowd, please, you will be glad once you do it." I promised him.

His eyes dipped to his lap and back to me. "I just don't want to have them looking at me, there minds thinking that I look too white or-or. I don't know I just don't want them to have there attention on me."

"They won't see you, you know it will only be your family that will be looking at you and cheering you on. Everyone else will just be waiting for whoever they went to see go up."

He thought about it for a moment. "Can I think about it? Sleep on it." He asked.

"Of course you can but really no one will be thinking like that. We're adults and this is our last step before we break into the real world and have to grow up."

He nodded and pulled me into him. I was so thankful it was him needing to touch me. I was longing for his hands to take me into him.

I rested my head against his chest, drained from the past two weeks and there was still nothing decided for sure.

"I think we should get to bed, love." He told me as he reached down kissing my head.

I nodded into him and he stood up, removing the suit trousers.

I climbed into bed and Edward climbed in shortly after me, pulling me into him. He had kept me at a distance for most of the two weeks so I was happy to have him as close to me as humanly possible.

He played with the ends of my hair, twirling it around his fingers.

"You know I love you?" he asked in a whisper in the dark.

"I know, I love you too."

"I'm not doing this to be horrible to you, I'm just scared." I knew it was a lie when he denied it earlier. Getting up on that stage was his only real concern; he didn't really worry about his exams. He knew he was smart enough; he had worried somewhat about them but nothing like this.

"I know." I grasped on tighter to him. "But if you do it you will be happy you did and also the fact that you deserve to go up there."

He sighed a small sigh and placed a firm kiss on my forehead.

"I'll be right there." I promised.

"But not by my side." He added.

"No, but Alice will. I'll be in my seat jumping up and down making an idiot of myself." I laughed lightly because I knew I would be.

It was a massive goal for him and for him to manage it, would make both our days.

"Will you love me less if I can't do it?" he asked carefully.

I sat up reaching for the light to scold him to his face, the bright light blinding both of us.

"Edward Cullen, do you really think so little of me, that I could ever love you less for anything, anything at all?"

"Eh…um…" he looked scared at what to say next.

"I just don't want to disappoint you."

"You won't, but you have to try, telling me a straight no is you not trying. You need to say you will at least get in that seat and try to make your way up to the stage. Try. It's all I'm asking."

He reached up to my lips, placing a small kiss on my mouth. "I'll try." He told me firmly and I jumped forward on top of him attacking him with kisses.

It was all I wanted, for him to at least try.

* * *

Checking myself in the mirror I looked at my reflection wearing the simple dark blue dress.

It was fitted with slim spaghetti straps but Alice toned down the accessories telling me it would be perfect for the ceremony and for going out after it.

I had planned on black trousers and a nice top but Esme bought it as a gift. She liked it, Alice liked it, Rosalie like it, Edward liked it. I lost, hands down.

Alice chirped away in my ear to Rose as she curled away my hair, she said it was needed for the party afterwards.

I shook my head and let her dress me like her Barbie once again, though honestly I was use to it now.

Edward walked in with his suit on, his perfectly ironed shirt below it now too. He fought with the tie in-between his fingers and I reached out for him, inviting him towards me so I could help him

"You look gorgeous." I told him as I smiled up. He was dressed. It was looking promising.

"You too, love." He reached down and kissed my lips gently before scrunching up his face with the sticky gloss on my lips. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I know. It's her fault." I apologised as I signalled to Rose and reached for his hand trying to stop the gloopy substance from transferring onto his suit.

"It makes your lips look kissable." She told us flatly.

"Her lips are much more kissable without that crap on them." He told her as he wiped at my lips gently with his thumbs and me trying to keep my little happy dance in my head at my hero defending me and getting rid of the 'crap' as he called it.

Rose huffed. "I'm just going to have to put it back on."

"No your not." He told her firmly.

She looked a little crestfallen but she would live, it was only the gloss he disposed off.

I began again on Edwards tie after I checked there was no gloss on my hands and knotted it to perfection for him.

Oh god I could have pinned him against the wall if it wasn't for the two old maids behind me.

Who was I kidding; if I did, they would pull out the popcorn and watch. It wasn't surprising Edward seemed…seemed so…entertaining. The things he must have heard between these two growing up. God know what it had done to his sweet virginal mind before I came across them.

I was really only glad that he seemed a little lighter today. I knew it wasn't a promise to be there but it made me feel better that he was going to try and that it didn't seem to pull him down quite as much today. I would have expected him to be worse than he had been for the two weeks, not better. But I wasn't complaining.

Edward gently flicked a curl over my shoulder and ran his finger below the strap of the dress. "You know the things I could do to you right now?" He husked at me. Sometimes he seemed so confident. Even in front of the others.

"Could we watch?" I heard Rose ask with a laugh.

God I had spent too much time with this lot, I knew exactly what would come out from there mouths and when.

"Sure, you can hold the video camera." Edward fired back without missing a beat and Rose bursting into a fit of laughter at his comeback.

I was still amazed at how he had changed. I knew he was a serious person but I also knew he had a sense of humour in there too, the others could finally see it for themselves.

Looking down at my watch I seen it was time we headed. We didn't want to be late. "Guys we should really get going." I looked up towards Edward to gage his reaction.

He nodded a little hesitantly but he was still agreeing.

* * *

Sitting in my seat I looked out over to Edward and Alice. I struggled to see them both. I wouldn't never have found them if it wasn't for Edward continuing to pull at his copper hair in frustration, it shone in the sun before Alice forced his cap back on.

I wished I could have been sitting along side them both but it wasn't only me who sat alone. Jasper sat a few rows behind me alone too. He had been a great friend to both me and especially Edward. The two had bonded and along with Emmett the three of them were just as inseparable as me, Alice and Rosalie. It was good that Edward had them to fall back on to as well as being able to mess about with. Edward with the other two was just one of the guys. He felt normal and he was happy.

I saw my dad shuffle in his seat a little taken aback as Emmett continuously yapped away to him. He would be well entertained though. Em and Charlie got along great with there constant talk of all things sport.

Rose and Emmett still lived across the hall and both were settling into new jobs after there own graduation only last year. They were both just as in love but now they were also engaged. Emmett popped the question the night of there graduation after being together for almost ten years.

A wedding had yet to be planned though, Rose, just happy to have the ring and the promise of a life time together. They truly deserved it. They had came over some hurdles of there own in life.

Rene sat on Charlie's other side next to Phil, happily looking around and waving over to me. She loved Edward and the other two boys, there charm winning her over hook, line and sinker. I hadn't seen much of her over the years but she was happy and I knew I had her to go to if I needed to. She had understood about the whole Jake/Edward situation. She told me sometime the heart just stops being in love. My dad and her were high school sweethearts and I suppose she could understand the change of heart better than anyone.

Rose was on Emmett's other side next to Esme and Carlisle. They both treated me like a daughter. My bond with Esme was strong and I relied on her more than I wanted to. She was always there to help me though the difficult times with Edward and of course any difficult times I had of my own. She was like a second mother, especially with Rene being so far away in Florida.

She and Carlisle were only ever supportive of me and Edward's relationship. They knew I needed him as much as he needed me and that our slightly unhealthy dependency was something that no one could fix. We were happy and so were they.

I couldn't help but think of Jake at this time. He was no longer part of my life at all. It was sad but it was how he wanted it. Jake would sometimes still visit Charlie when he was sure I wasn't going to be around or Edward for that matter.

I heard he got engaged to a girl on the reservation. He never moved away either, he told Charlie that maybe he was only really following me to Seattle, that he was happy to stay where he was born and raised. He had his own business too, his own garage.

I was happy for him, even if I never got to tell him. I still missed him sometimes but I couldn't regret the choices I had made. I got Edward and he was the one for me.

Edward and my dad got along. Nothing spectacular but nothing tragic either. Charlie understood we loved one another and he stood by our choices and our mistakes. He knew Edward would go to great lengths to protect me and it made him happy knowing I was still safe despite being so far away from him.

Charlie never truly understood Edwards's condition but he also never lived with it. He would see Edward one time and he would be happy and the next visit he would be on the knife's edge again. Charlie did question if this was really how I wanted to spend the rest of my life and I answered, with my hand on my heart, that yes, Edward was how I wanted to spend my life and any high or low that he had to offer.

Billy was another matter. The two finally became friends again after more than a year of silence and it was only because Jake had intervened.

Billy and Charlie's relationship was never the same again but there had been the odd fishing trip and game watched on the flat screen. I knew it was a devastating blow for my dad but he assured me that backing me, supporting me, would never be something that could be stopped by any other human. If Billy had an issue with that then he wasn't the man, or the father he thought he was.

I felt some relief with Charlie at his growing 'friendship' with Sue. After Harry passed away and I left they were both alone and they grew closer. She wasn't here today, not that I didn't invite her; she thought it was best for the two of us to spend the time together alone. It just made me hope that Charlie wasn't as alone in the world.

Looking up at the sky I seen the sun shine across the Seattle city line and felt so small entering the now larger real world.

I looked over at Edward, now standing along side Alice in the line for his graduating certificate. He was still here. I couldn't help the smile on my face. He looked over and he smiled back. He looked nervous but his stomach was empty after he threw up before we left the house so I knew the front row was safe.

Hearing Alice's name being called first, I stood to my feet and hollered, cheering her on. She danced across the stage like the fairy she is and her smile wide as she skipped off the end.

The small step he took, the one that meant everything to me and the one that I knew meant everything to him, he managed.

I jumped up screaming his name, making my voice horse with the need to show how proud of him I was.

He reached for his certificate and at it his face broke into its wide smile that lit up his face. _He was proud of himself_.

I felt small tears on my cheeks but I couldn't care, the joy I felt, all his family backing him up just like I said they would.

He stood on the stage, the sun shining down on him, making him shine to everyone like he shone down on me.

He had pulled himself out from the shadows and rose up above it all, past all of our expectations.

I loved him and I knew I would for all of eternity.

He was what made my life liveable.

He was what fed me of the love I needed.

He was my air that filled my lungs and coursed though my veins.

He was my warmth when i was cold.

_He was my sun._

We had suffered so many lows to get here but we were one anothers high, and that's what made it all so worth while.

_Being with the one you love…_

_Under exceptional circumstances that we all have to face…_

_Pushing one another on…_

_Being the hand that helps lift them up when they come crashing down…_

_It would all be so worthless without that person…_

_Without that love…_

_That constant source of forgiveness, adoration, respect, loyalty, delight, affection and intimacy…_

_It would all be nothing…_

_That's why we're here…_

_To treasure every element they give to us and us to them…_

_To that one person you know…_

_That without…_

_Your world just couldn't exist._

* * *

_***fin***_

* * *

**_a/n: ok I could spend forever thanking the people who have helped me thought this. Trust me, all of you reading are at the top of the list. But for a change I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet. I would like to thank Christina for giving me a hand through it and understanding my reasons for then later turning them down. She is a star and I luv her to bits!! Huggles my little hunni!_**

**_Now, I hope you are all ready for the sequel? I am looking forward to it and I hope you all give me the same amazing love and support that you have given me on this. You have all been fantastic and I never expected this kind of support._**

**_So please…I beg…for one last time (or maybe, the first), review and let me know what you though and if the ending was good enough for ya'all!!_**

**_I'll catch you all on Chapter 1 of Baby Blues very soon._**

**_Love to all of you,_**

**_Fairytail Dreamer_**

**_xx_**


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